Written By Seventeen Year-Olds, Perhaps:

Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders

Starring Vince Murdocco, Robyn Kelly, and Tony Travis
Written by Doug Frisby and Howard T. Ziehm
Directed by Howard T. Ziehm
Canadian, 1989

Another film with the stench of Canadian cinema all over it. Always remember this rule of thumb: Canadian Movies Are Almost Always Bad Movies. Take this waste of celluloid, a movie I do not like. I sat through it for 1 hour and 42 minutes, and was willing to sell my soul so I could get through the film alive. The first Flesh Gordon movie is modestly funny, but this one is most certainly not. For those who haven't seen them, the Flesh Gordon movies are pornographic knockoffs of the Flash Gordon TV serials. I'll briefly skim through it.

We start on Earth, where Flesh Gordon (Vince Murdocco) is kidnapped by a bunch of cheerleaders in revealing outfits who fly in a pink rocketship with the acronym S.C.R.E.W. on the side. Flesh's girlfriend Dale (Robyn Kelly) sees this and hurries to enlist the help of mad scientist Dr. Jerkoff (Tony Travis) to rescue Flesh. Using a chicken sex-powered ship (don't ask), they fly off on Flesh's tail.
The cheerleaders want Flesh for sex purposes because every man on their planet is impotent. It all happened during a game of "codball" that they were cheerleading earlier. Codball is a game using a part of the male anatomy as a hockey stick to bat a ball around. Hey, I'm just as much a victim of this movie as you are. A strange man in an evil black hood referred to as "Evil Presence" showed up at the game, and fired an impotence ray at the codball players, thus ending the game. In the process, the planet's atmosphere was contaminated with impotence radiation that affected all the men living there. The cheerleaders, desperately sex-starved, set off and formed the Society of Cheerleaders for Rehabilitating Erections Worldwide to capture Flesh, who is immune to the impotence radiation. They then proceed to begin an orgy.
Dale and Dr. Jerkoff fly through an "assteroid field", a collection of farting asteroids shaped like their namesake. A flaming meteor threatens to ignite the cloud as they pass through it. They resort to using oversized corks to plug the assteroids. They make it through and land on the cheerleader's home planet, where the cheerleaders have already landed. They track Flesh to the cheerleader's ship, however the Evil Presence attacks and kidnaps Dale, where she is flown away on his airship. Flesh, who escapes the cheerleaders, follows with Dr. Jerkoff. The cheerleaders also join in the chase. The chase ends up on the Evil Presence's home planet, the ice planet, but Flesh doesn't make it that far. They crash back onto the cheerleaders' planet, into a field where an ancient race of amazons is buried. Their large breasts protrude from the ground and form a) large rounded hills stretching all the way to the horizon and b) the groundwork for really awful jokes. A stop-motion gay alien with a large penis on its head chases Flesh and Jerkoff into a tunnel whose nature I cannot go into. After some really gross "humour", Jerkoff and Flesh end up at a bar inside the womb of one of the buried amazons where everyone drinks milk. Large breasts abound.
The Evil Presence tortures Dale and tries using personality-changing machinery on her to try and make her some sort of servant. He has taken the plans for the impotence ray from a scientist who now is frozen in a block of ice aboard the Evil Presence's airship. The Evil Presence has also taken the scientist's wife, an obese woman named Queen Frigid, as his own wife, and the woman never lets the Evil Presence forget about his sexual shortcomings. The Evil Presence plans to spread impotence radiation throughout the universe and transplant Flesh's all-important organ onto himself so that he's the only virile man in the universe.
Flesh and Jerkoff join the lead cheerleader, Robunda Hooters, and walk through the rest of the amazon's digestive system. At the end, they encounter the turd people, a civilization of walking turds who live in the bowels of the amazon. I was crying in pain at this point and struggling to finish my popcorn. The turds, led by Chief Diareahh, seem friendly, but in reality capture Jerkoff, Robunda, and Flesh in order to eat them. However, Jerkoff gives the turds ex-lax gum to chew on, and this triggers a bowel movement that scatters the turd people. Oh, this really is funny shit. So they get away using a rocketship made out of turd. They fly to the ice planet. There, they infiltrate the Evil Presence's ice palace, where he's working on his dastardly plan. The Evil Presence gets his impotence ray up and running, and fires it at the Earth with dreadful consequences for us earthlings. Flesh, Jerkoff, and Robunda try to find Dale but in the process get captured. Flesh nearly loses his manhood, but thanks to a ruse concocted by Jerkoff, everyone escapes. Flesh and Jerkoff proceed to Queen Frigid's quarters, and Flesh has to have sex with her. Just outside, Jerkoff is in a firefight with guns that freeze the victim inside a solid block of ice.
After the sex is over, Flesh learns that the queen's husband, the frozen scientist, created a counterpower to the impotence ray, and it is hidden somewhere in a box that Flesh will have to find. You see, as in all these movies, the evil Queen has become a good guy. Just then, the Evil Presence intrudes, and a fight ensues. It's revealed that the Evil Presence is in fact Emperor Wang the Perverted from the first movie. More people enter the room, and a big fight involving cream pies begins. Jerkoff and Queen Frigid slip away to try and stop the impotence ray, while Flesh and Wang fall through a trapdoor and into a large spider web, spun by a bare-breasted woman (and what woman isn't bare-breasted in this film?) with many legs who captures Wang and allows Flesh to escape with the all-important box, which just happened to have been hidden there. Flesh runs to the impotence ray, which is firing at Earth. Jerkoff and Frigid haven't had any luck with deactivating it. Inside the box is a giant condom, which one of Wang's evil assistants (who has become a semi-good guy) throws over the end of the ray, disabling it and clearing the universe of all its impotence. The cheerleaders rejoice.
Now we're at the end of this godawful film. Queen Frigid and her thawed husband thank Flesh for all he has done. We see a shot of Wang running along the edge of a cliff, laughing dastardly. Flesh, Dale, and Jerkoff fly off in a rocket back to Earth. A message shown just before the credits demands that we not miss the "further adventures of Flesh Gordon!" OH GOD NOOOOO!!!!

THE END!!!

I did not laugh once in this movie. It's supposed to be a comedy, but it's just filled with bad breast jokes, bad scatological jokes, bad sex jokes, bad stop-motion animation, and even bad sound. It wasn't mixed properly, so I had a hell of a time trying to understand what anyone was saying! Movies like this are just bad and shouldn't be watched. Good bad movies are movies that try to be serious but end up ridiculous, like Plan 9. My opinion: Do Not Watch This Movie!

BTW, you know what really irritates me? Our government, in all its wisdom, probably subsidized this nonsense with taxpayer money. Hell, I know for a fact that the Canadian government paid for a soft-core porn film called Bubbles Galore, so is this really a stretch of the imagination?

July 9, 2004

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