The Granddaddy of Them All: "You've never seen anything like it" Starring Sonny Tufts, Victor Jory, and Marie Windsor Written by Roy Hamilton and Jack Rabin Directed by Arthur Hilton American, 1953 My favourite kind of bad movie, the spaceship trip movie! This is one of them, a real classic, and it spawned many imitators. It's only 64 minutes long so it doesn't get too boring. There are giant spiders on strings, evil lovesick space girls, cheap sets, even cheaper models, and bad acting. The movie was made in a hurry on a low budget, sharing sets with Project Moonbase and spacesuits with Destination Moon. Even better, this movie was originally presented in  It's great! We begin in space. In my copy of the movie, which was taped off the television, the title of the movie has been replaced with 'Rocket To the Moon'. In the corner, it says 'formerly called Cat-Women of the Moon'. Go figure. Perhaps they thought that if they changed the name, they could squeeze more money out of the movie and make it look less silly. In any case, the title was obviously replaced in my copy. We then go back to the original credits. This is a Sonny Tufts film, made after his reputation as a drunken weirdo was established. Also with a role in this film is Elmer Bernstein, who did music for many known movies like The Ten Commandments, The Great Escape, and Airplane! This soundtrack was one of his earlier ones. The cat-women (I assumed) are being played by The Hollywood Cover Girls, which doesn't bode well. Finally, we leave the credits and encounter some pompous, Shatner-like narration over eerie music: "The eternal wonders of space and time, the far away dreams and mysteries of other worlds, other life, the stars, the planets. Man has been face to face with them for centuries, yet is barely able to penetrate their unknown secrets. Some time, some day, the barrier will be pierced. Why must we wait? Why not now?"Why not now? Because I said so! Anyway, we cut to a shot of a very small looking model rocket firing its engines and flying upwards. Were they too cheap to use stock footage of a takeoff? We cut inside to see the rocket's bridge. It appears to be furnished with the sort of desks and swivel chairs that would be found in an office. There are some gauges and controls visible, and a panel of blinking lights on the wall, next to a small window. There also appears to be a magnetic tape reel on the wall, serving some unknown purpose. There are five crewmembers aboard: Laird Grainger (Sonny Tufts) - the commander of the mission;We see the aforementioned crewmembers struggling against the G-forces by grimacing in their lawn chair cots. Then we get to look out the window. The view is stock footage of the Earth, but the view is spinning wildly outside the window, so the rocket has got to be tumbling like mad! It doesn't seem to be, as the office furnishings are stationary. White Sands, which is mission control, calls the rocket over and over again. Don't they know the crew can't reach the radio at the moment? The view outside has changed to a steady starfield. The radio is still talking. We get a shot of the rocket flying horizontally. Slowly, the crew gets up. Kip is relieved, and jumps out of his cot. He orders everybody else up, while Laird slowly rolls out of bed. Kip gives special attention to Helen, since she's only a woman, and all women need help to do the simplest tasks. Sheesh, these movies. She stretches and gets up. By now, everybody is up and milling around, tending their stations. Helen, meanwhile, retrieves a compact and comb from a drawer and begins applying new makeup. I couldn't believe I saw this! We hear a short comment from Walt, and here we establish that Walt is greedy. Laird seems to be a guy who closely follows rules and regs, so he gets status reports from everyone. Laird then insists that this mission is "a scientific expedition, and not a stunt." Meanwhile, Helen is off to the side still applying makeup. When asked if they're on course, she immediately says yes without checking her instruments. She is "quite sure." She then says that she has "the strangest feeling that this has all happened before." Laird looks confused, but this comment gets ignored. What does this comment tell us? She must be an integral element of a MAJOR PLOT POINT!!! Earth calls. Here we learn that the rocket is called 'Rocket Four'. Laird responds, and tells us that they're at the 2000-mile level, traveling at 7 mi/second. He goes on to say that the atom chamber's "temperature density" is unchanged. Huh? Also, the "nitrate pictate acid" they are carrying is in good shape. HUH?! At Helen's urging, the crewmembers are allowed to make brief statements to Earth. They're all normal statements, except for Helen's comment: "Hello Alpha. We're on our way."She says this with a weird, vacant look on her face. Again, this odd behavior is ignored. Then we get to hear some general on Earth congratulate them. This is about time for the Inevitable Meteor Storm.  It's actually not really a storm in this movie. Today, it is just a single asteroid. We briefly cut to a shot of a sparkler in a dark room approaching the camera with a loud whistling sound. I assumed this was a meteor, though why it would be incandescing in open space is beyond me... The crew is oblivious, and are listening to the general talk and talk. The meteor gets closer. Finally, it hits them, and the set shakes. Alarms go off. Apparently, the meteor is embedded in the rear of the rocket. Walt reports that "heat radiation" is increasing. Helen suggests it's a meteor, and that maybe it can be shaken off. We get a shot of the tiny model rocket slowly and erratically turning end-over-end. I couldn't tell much about the state of the rocket or the meteor, since there was no sign of damage done to the model rocket. The crew looks calm. The rocket continues to turn, showing odd bursts of speed in its rotation. Finally, the meteor is dislodged. Laird chastises the crew, saying that if they were paying attention, this wouldn't have happened. He wants to do things by the book. Helen sets them back on course, but Doug can no longer raise Earth over the radio: "I'm trying sir, but there's no pip. I'm afraid I'm out of business."Yeah. Walt notes that there's some nitric acid leaking from or near the atom chamber. The meteor damaged the radio, as well as the tank of acid that they have for no good reason. Laird suggests spraying the acid with water to neutralize it. I was flabbergasted. I do know a little about chemistry. Adding water to acid could only make the situation worse (it would get very hot), and in the end, the acid wouldn't be neutralized with water. Of course, the water has no effect. Laird must subscribe to Aristotle's 'Four Elements' theory of chemistry. Kip, who is the hero, grabs a protective suit and runs off to solve the problem himself, against Laird's wishes. We cut to a new part of the rocket, with some lockers against a corrugated fiberglass or iron wall. Doug and Walt help Kip get into a white radiation suit-like thingy with a separate oxygen supply. The helmet doesn't seal with the rest of the suit, so if any vapors get in there... Walt meanwhile 'struggles' to open a hatch that is meant to be very heavy, but which in reality is made of cardboard or wood. Kip climbs down a ladder into a smoky compartment, while the hatch is closed above him. We watch him struggle and do stuff in this room below. Helen and Laird are on the bridge, waiting tensely. Kip works away, but I couldn't tell what he was doing since the compartment was very smoky. He probably wasn't doing anything. They could have at least put in some knobs and dials so that the actor could look like he was doing stuff. Each time I would start to wonder what he was doing there, a big puff of smoke would rise up and obscure my view. Walt and Doug wait. Kip works, moves around, does something else, works, moves back, works again. Eventually, he resorts to using a fire extinguisher to neutralize the acid. As if carbon dioxide would neutralize acid. Yeeesh! In all fairness, maybe this extinguisher uses limestone, or ammonia. Walt and Doug wait. We see a shot of a gyro controller meter going into the danger zone. Is the ship out of control or something? Finally, the smoke below clears, and the problem is solved. He climbs (or rather, staggers) up the ladder to rejoin the crew. After another fake struggle with the cardboard hatch, Kip emerges and passes out. Rocket exterior shot. Walt and Doug are now working on repairing the radio. Kip is recovering in bed, with Helen sitting at his feet. She encourages him to get up, but he won't. They talk a bit. He tells her to go talk to Laird since she's his girlfriend. I don't know if the space program would send a couple into space on the first Moon mission. It would smack of favouritism, and introduce all sorts of wackiness that just wouldn't do in space, but what do I know? Besides, she says that during this mission, their relationship will be strictly professional. Kip snorts at her claim, since "you can't turn love on and off like a faucet." He sits up, and delivers this cornball line: "Believe me baby, if I ever fell in love with you, I'd chase you across the world, around the Moon, and all the waystations in between."This implies that he's not in love with her, but that he's just lusting. Right? Since he said, "...if I ever fell in love...". No matter. I guess Kip isn't known for his professionalism. Kip tells her to go, and she leaves in a bad mood to talk to Laird about the landing. Walt and Doug fix the viewer, and we see the Moon looking large outside. Laird asks Helen who Alpha is. She doesn't know what he's talking about, nor does she remember mentioning her. He shrugs it off as a "touch of space madness." Gee, do you want insane people on a rocket with you? Throw her out the airlock right now! During their little conversation, the Moon out the window is slowly swaying from side to side. Maybe Laird should keep his eyes on the road. We get a shot of said Moon. Laird suggests Helen choose a landing site. Would this not be done on Earth months in advance? Helen claims to have already picked out a landing spot, a valley on the "Dark Side" of the Moon. Pink Floyd! Laird is surprised, since "all man ever sees is the bright side." This implies the following:
movie's Dark Side = reality's Far Side
Where the Far Side is the half of the Moon that we never see due to it constantly keeping one face pointed our way. Helen claims that this valley cuts across part of the Bright (Near) Side, so it is just visible on photos. She says it's a perfect landing place, though she doesn't quite know why. Laird, being the buffoon he is, goes right along with Helen's plan. Everybody takes his or her stations. It's time to land. We see the Moon getting really close out the window. We see a weird, six-second long shot of the rocket firing its engines yet flying very slowly over the rough lunar surface. Then we watch Laird barking orders as they approach a mountain range. From the scenery shots, it doesn't look like they're heading into a valley. Finally, they land, and everybody thanks Helen. The landing seems very routine for a first lunar mission, with no big words, no 'One Small Step' lines, and no fanfare. Helen in particular is eager to go out and explore. Kip thinks the rocket should be repaired so that, if needs be, they can leave the Moon at a moment's notice. He's assuming something perhaps malevolent lives on the Moon, of all places. He says it's his naval background kicking in and influencing him. I guess the Navy considers the Moon as one big theatre of war. We cut to the crew suiting up. Helen whines, and I mean WHINES, that her boots are heavy. Laird says that they will compensate for the lower gravity on the Moon. I'm not too sure about the validity of that point, but never mind. Laird continues, and says that the dark side is cold, and that they must stay on the dark side, or else get cooked. This implies the following:
movie's Dark Side = reality's Dark Side
After all, both the Far Side and the Near Side get equal amounts of sunshine. This movie is trying to lose me in jargon, but I will remain. Anyway, Helen brings a pack of cigarettes. How quaint. Kip notes how ridiculous that is since they won't burn in the Moon's non-atmosphere. Finally this movie makes sense. Helen feels more "at home" with them. Laird points out that Kip is bringing a gun, and the movie stops making sense. A gun relies on a combustion reaction to propel the bullet, and that can't happen without oxygen. Helen objects to the gun, but Laird says it can't hurt. Is Laird a bozo or what? Meanwhile, Doug and Walt goof around. Walt has a get-rich quick scheme involving stamps being on the Moon. Don't ask. Laird goes out first. We see the base of the rocket, and an elevator that runs down the side to drop off the crew. The set is sort of dark and shadowy. There is heavy use of matte paintings made by Chesley Bonestell, the painter who did mattes for many movies like these, in addition to classic paintings of what other planets might be like. The rest of the crew comes down, and Laird looks around. We see a cliff, the Earth, and a starfield. This initial exploration scene lasts 2 minutes and 3 seconds. The crew assembles, and Laird leads them off. Helen points out a cave she saw in the side of a cliff during landing, and suggests that as a target for exploration. Laird leads them off in single-file. The sets consist of a few foam rocks in the foreground and a painting behind them. It's a lot like a high school production. Wait! It's time for another: 
We get a shot of the sparkler meteor from before, superimposed over the lunar horizon. It's whistling right towards our intrepid explorers. They point and duck, and the meteor flies right over them. Why is it burning up? It slams into a mountain behind them with a flash, leaving no crater. I guess they couldn't get Mr. Bonestell to paint a new background. The crew gets up, looks in the general direction from which the meteor came, then resumes their walk like nothing happened. For 14 seconds, we see the crew walking up to the dividing line between the dark side and the bright side of the Moon. This division is rather sharp. It means that on their side, the sun is completely obscured by the horizon, but a few inches away, the sun has completely lifted itself and is shining brightly. Anyhoo, Laird takes one of Helen's cigarettes and throws it onto the bright side to demonstrate why they must stay on the dark side. The cigarette catches fire! This movie contradicts itself! They walk off, and look ahead to the cave entrance that Helen saw. Kip points out to Laird that there was no way Helen could have seen it during landing. Kip is suspicious, but Laird, in his infinite wisdom, decides to continue on. They enter the cave, and Helen is eager to go deeper and deeper. Kip wants someone to stay at the ship and guard it, but Laird dismisses the idea. Helen walks deeper into the cave, and utters this: "It's exactly as I dreamed it -- or did I? Maybe this is the dream."Yes. Maybe reality is an illusion and this film is my nightmare. I like it when bad movies try to go all metaphysical on me. Anyway, everybody else joins her, and follows her in. They walk and walk. Helen starts whining about her boots again because they feel heavier than they did outside. They spot stalactites hanging from the ceiling of the cave, and come to the conclusion that they are proof of current moisture, which isn't entirely correct. Since there's moisture in the cave, there'd have to be an atmosphere, and gravity to hold it there, which would be why their boots feel heavier. To clinch it, Kip lights a cigarette, and it burns. Everybody is elated, and Doug removes his helmet. His head doesn't explode! He breathes deeply, and everybody takes off their helmets. Walt suggests bottling and selling this air. Walt Walters is starting to sound like Walt Disney. Actually, he's sounding like Michael Eisner, but I'm sure Walt Disney was a good capitalist too. We cut to an image of the shadow of a humanoid head on the cave wall. We'll see more of this through the film. The crewmembers remove their whole spacesuits, and Kip teases Laird about this not being in-the-book. Laird quietly supposes that a "magnetic field on the dark side could exert a gravitational pull... a special one." Uh huh, a special kind of gravity. Like love. Walt supposes that this is a natural decompression chamber. That got me thinking: what's to stop the air from leaving the cavern? Even with a stronger gravity field in the cavern, all of the air would still rush out in a vain attempt to fill the vacuum outside. Helen says that they're near the end of the cave, but when asked how she knows this, she struggles to come up with an explanation. Meanwhile, the crew intelligently decides to leave their spacesuits there in the cave for anyone or anything to take. Kip does bring his gun, though Helen again objects. She expects love and friendship. So begins the spider fight. Large black spiders suspended from strings descend into the cave, landing right in front of Helen. She, of course, screams and runs off. The spider looks ridiculous. It is maybe four feet across, black and hairy, and it has two pairs of fags. It also has a horn on its head. The men rush the spider, stabbing it. It squeals loudly, and Kip shoots it to kill it. Helen has stumbled back away from the spider, only to have another spider land right on top of her. She screams again, it gets jumped, stabbed, and shot. It squeals and dies. The fun lasts a scant 48 seconds. They manage to calm Helen down. She claims that she knew everything except the giant spiders. They let Helen rest on the ground, leaning back against a rock. Kip and Walt go off to guard the spacesuits, while Laird and Doug explore deeper in the cave, thus leaving Helen on her own. We see that shadow of a head on the wall again. We cut back to Helen, and we see behind her a figure in black tights dancing about the rock. This figure, a female one, waves a hand over Helen, and places a white object on Helen's right hand. Helen screams at the touch, and the woman in black runs off. Helen looks at her hand, and sees the object. It is about the size of a quarter, and rests on her palm. She quickly hides it before Laird and Doug return. She tells them that everything is fine, and then she says that she wants to go forward, for "adventure, discovery, knowledge" awaits them at the end of the cave. Everybody else wants to go back. After all, they were only attacked by alien spiders. Kip and Walt appear, and report that the spacesuits are gone. Helen says that they must go forward now, and she seems happy with their situation. They follow her lead. The brave explorers stumble upon a huge cavern at the end of the cave. This cavern has a sky with some fluffy clouds, and some mountains along the horizon. I don't get it, but okay. Helen points out a structure ahead, and we see an obvious painting of a castle-like fortress in the distance on a barren plain. They approach this castle. We cut to a courtyard, with big statues on tall columns around a tiled floor. In the background is a seated Buddha-like statue. The crew walks in, looking around. There are some unlit fire pits around the perimeter of the courtyard, and Laird assumes that since they're unlit and cold, a fire hasn't been in them for centuries. It could have been a few hours. We are to assume that whatever civilization built this is now extinct, though Helen points out that they must have been intelligent. Duh. Doug manages to start a fire in one of the fire pits. Kip asks Helen what else she knows about the Moon, and she says she knows nothing. If I were her, I would drop the act. Kip thinks that she knows who stole the spacesuits, but Laird defends her. Kip seems angry and a bit paranoid, and starts calling out to see if anybody else is around. Meanwhile, Helen leads Doug off to the side of the courtyard, behind a pillar. Doug is walking in front of her, and predictably, a woman in black tights jumps on Doug and takes him down. They wrestle for 19 seconds, while Helen watches and slinks away. Doug calls out for help, but by the time the other men get there, the woman in tights is gone. Doug claims he couldn't get a look at her, which isn't true since at one point in the fight, he looks right up at her! Oh well, they all realize Helen is gone. They shout her name, but no one answers. They rush back to the fire pit when they realize the fire has been put out. They spread out to find Helen. A few women in black jump Kip, but he fires his gun and frightens them off. Doug, who got beaten up by a girl, now wrestles one woman down to the ground, and holds her up so everyone can get a look at her. We get to see her too. She's a young woman with heavy eye makeup and with her hair in a bun. She wears black tights. I assumed this was one of the cat-women, but she didn't look like a cat to me. She stands for a moment, but suddenly she disappears, taking the music on the soundtrack with her. The men are startled by her inexplicable disappearance, and I thought for a moment that it was some major editing flub. Seeing the increasingly hostile environment the men are faced with, Kip takes charge much to Laird's chagrin. Laird and Kip agree to wait one hour for Helen to return. We cut to Helen entering a room. We see some cat-women waiting for her in this lightly furnished room. Their leader, Alpha, greets her, and introduces her associates, Beta and Lambda. There are more, but only these three have speaking roles. Helen isn't sure what's going on, and she doesn't seem terribly impressed to have met extraterrestrials. Alpha explains that Helen is one of them (?), and that she may ask anything. Helen starts asking questions, and we get answers. They can speak English, along with all human languages, though they use thought to communicate with each other, as they did with Helen on the rocket. They taught Helen to be a navigator so she could get on the mission. When asked why they didn't communicate with the men, Beta rather mockingly explains that they "have no use for men." They can't read a man's mind. When they realized that it was the 50's and they weren't going to get an all-female moon mission, they focused on Helen. Of course, no woman could really work her own way aboard a space mission without alien help. Chalk this point up to the decade. Helen asks them why they never visited Earth. Alpha doesn't really answer this question, nor does she ever. She explains that long ago, when her ancestors discovered that the Moon was losing its atmosphere (must have been a REAL long time ago), they committed genocide to lower the population and conserve oxygen. I guess their men were the first to go. However, they found out that this wouldn't do a thing and the atmosphere was still leaking, so now the remaining cat-women need a rocket sent to them that they could take back to Earth for an unspecified reason. Mwahaha! In a badly spliced and edited exchange, Alpha tells Helen vaguely that the men will take care of everything, and that she shouldn't worry about anything. Helen goes on to say that she should care about what happens to the men, but she doesn't. Girl Power! We cut back to the courtyard. An hour has passed, and the men are anxious. Just then, they hear something, and walk off the courtyard, and into a furnished room. There, they meet Helen and all the other cat-women, and Helen again insists that Kip put his gun away. The men are surprised at the cat-women, and Kip asks for their spacesuits. The cat-women admit to having taken them, but promise to return them the next day. If I were there, that act alone would raise a million red flags, but never mind. Helen introduces Alpha, Beta, and Lambda to the men, and Helen explains that they guided her in through the whole trip. We see them eat some food, grown in the Moon's fertile soils, and it tastes good. The men like the girls, and all get comfortable with them except for Kip, who sits off alone in a corner the whole time with his gun, eating his ration food. Doug and Lambda seem to enjoy the other's company, and Lambda explains that she's never seen a man before. Doug apologizes. He must secretly be kissing his lucky stars that he was the first man she had ever seen. If it were Brad Pitt, Doug would never have a chance. Anyhoo, we get a shot of Kip brooding. Then we get a nice, loving glamour shot of a cat-woman standing with a platter of food. The camera pans up from her feet to her face over 11.4 seconds. Kip pouts and throws a bit of garbage on the floor. Alpha, Laird, and Helen talk. Alpha seems interested in the rocket's operation procedures, but Laird is reluctant to say. In exchange, though, Alpha would tell him about how they have complete control over their bodies and minds, i.e., how they can teleport around. Kip broods. Walt and Beta get to talking about gold. Beta scorns it as it's so common. Walt is impressed, and Beta says that there's a cave nearby where the gold hangs loose and where there's more in there than can be brought back to Earth. Walt is enamored, and in exchange for showing him the cave, he'll teach Beta how to run the rocket. She'll supply them two of the spacesuits to get out. He would do all this without Laird's permission. I think he'd be a good CEO. Doug and Lambda talk about dating, and how much Lambda likes the concept. We get a plug for Coca-Cola. They sit close to one another. Here, I was able to predict what would happen to either him or her later in the film. Alpha, Helen, and Laird toast to everlasting friendship, and Alpha suggests that everyone get some sleep. Tomorrow, their spacesuits will be returned. The crewmembers gather. Kip requests to Laird that someone should go back and guard the rocket. It's then that they realize Walt is gone. Kip calls out looking for him, but he's long gone. Helen and Kip argue about the need to even guard the rocket, but Doug volunteers. Kip and Helen continue their argument outside, in the courtyard. He's convinced that everything bad so far is her fault. He then says that she's beautiful and smart, and that if it weren't for Laird, he would be going out with her. I thought he wasn't in love with her. He holds her close, and she resists initially, but then falls into him and looks or sounds relieved about something. Kip thinks she's in pain, and insists that he's "not hurting [Helen] that much." Is that your observation to make, Kip? Anyway, she begs him not to let her go and to hold her close. She confesses that the cat-women are out to kill them and steal the rocketship. They have a power over her that is now apparently broken. She goes on to say that she really liked Kip, but Laird knew more, so the cat-women wanted her with him. If Kip lets go, their power over her will return, so we get these lines: Helen: "Hold on tight!"Doggone. That word should be extracted from the English Language. They kiss, but after that, Helen glances at her right palm. We get a shot of her left palm (I smell a dummy in the editing department,) and the small white circle returning. Apparently, this is a sign of their power over her. It's not an actual object, since it can be blocked. I guess it's a projection of some kind. Helen suddenly looks disgusted, and pushes Kip away. She asks him to keep this event a secret, and that she'll break the news to Laird to spare his feelings. She hastily says that the cat-women won't do anything for a few days, and she leaves Kip in the courtyard. I think it's a bit late for Helen to make excuses and try to save herself from the hole she dug herself into, but never mind. Laird enters the courtyard, and Kip lies, saying that nothing was wrong with Helen, and that everything is okay. Laird is confident and sure that there's a rational explanation for everything. I have a feeling the two of them are thinking 'Sucker!' They both head off to get some sleep, apparently forgetting about Walt. We cut to the rocket. Walt is showing Beta how everything words, and she understands. She takes him off to the cave. We cut back to the courtyard, and the cat-women doing some interpretive dance. This lasts 25 seconds. I believe it is the next morning. The men are asleep, but the sound of music from the courtyard wakes Doug. He leaves the bedroom, and walks to the courtyard. Helen quietly watches him go from her bed. Doug meets Lambda outside, after watching the dance for a moment. Kip wakes up, and wanders outside. We get a 17 second scene of Doug and Lambda staring at each other. 7 seconds of that scene are shared by two cheesy and clichéd face shots of both Lambda and Doug staring longingly at each other, though Doug struck me as looking kind of dumb. They kiss passionately, and Kip watches. Lambda leads Doug outside the courtyard, and presumably outside the castle. Kip goes back to the bedroom, and wakes Helen. He tells her that Doug and Lambda have left together. Helen warns that Lambda is the dangerous one, and that Kip should follow them to save Doug. Kip is surprised at the allegation since Lambda seems to be the nice cat-woman, but he goes off anyway. After he leaves, we see Helen staring at the camera for 7.7 seconds. She can see us!! She gets out of bed, and walks over to Laird, who is asleep in his bed. She stands over him, and makes a motion to suggest that she's going to choke him. We cut to a cave, with Walt looking around. He's amazed by all the gold. Were they awake all night looking at this cave? We get a quick shot of a cat-woman's head shadow. Walt is without a suit. Is this cave pressurized too? Walt walks around, though all we can see is his face. He's astounded, though he looks a touch fearful. Walt: "It's really gold!"Hold on here! "Doug"?! WTF, could Messrs. Rabin and Hamilton not get the characters right, or could this actress not remember her lines? Jeez, even a high school production wouldn't make this mistake. What the hell happened? Someone had to lose a job over this! Yikes. As I was saying, Walt is looking around, but we see a shadow of Beta lifting a dagger. We see Walt get stabbed in the upper left back. He makes an intense grimace, and slowly falls. His face is in the frame for a while. In this 47-second long scene, he spends 11 of those seconds dying. We cut to Kip looking around outside the temple for Doug (not Walt, but the real Doug,) and Lambda. We get a brief shot of the cave matte painting as seen from the lunar surface outside. WTF? Can Kip see the outside of the cave from the inside? Meanwhile, Doug and Lambda kiss again. She tells him the cat-women's plans: Lambda: "Go away, quick, quick."Lambda explains that the cavern too is losing its atmosphere, and in a few years will be as barren as the Bright Side of the Moon. We all know that the Dark Side is more arable, after all. Doug promises to return to the Moon and to Lambda, but she says it will be too late by then. We cut back to the courtyard. I guess Kip abandoned his search for Doug and Lambda, because he finds Helen and Laird there. Laird looks awfully happy. Wasn't she about to strangle him earlier?! OH MY GOD, this movie is KILLING ME!! Kip is confused by what he sees, and asks Helen what the deal is. She explains that she made up all that stuff (the cat-women's intentions) to get him to go away. Then Helen and Laird embrace. I understand that Helen is not herself, but that's not terribly professional behavior for Laird. I guarantee you that that sort of relationship is not an in-the-book one! We cut to Alpha and Beta in a room. Lambda enters, and Beta explains that Alpha is harvesting autopilot information from Laird via Helen. Lambda wakes Alpha from her trance, and she says that a man should be taken back with them. I guess she has Doug in mind. Lambda doesn't want to rule Earth, just live there like a good cat-woman. Alpha questions her attitude and motives. She says that there's no room for love in their lives, and that their mates will be chosen "eugenically", to breed female children that will assume power when they die. Lambda says that she won't go with them, and that she has something that they need. Alpha is angered and demands to know what she has. Lambda refuses to say, and we see Alpha deliver ridiculously fake looking slap to Lambda. Outside, Doug tells Kip about the plot to steal the rocket. Kip doesn't believe him. That means he bought right in to Helen's rebuff. Doug claims that Lambda told him everything, and that as soon as they have enough information about the rocket, they'll leave the Moon. Kip then realizes that Helen really is the cat-women's spy, so he rushes into the bedrooms. He and Doug find Laird giving detailed instructions on rocket operation to Helen. He's writing it all down, though why I really don't know. Kip and Doug confront Laird, who seems innocent and unaware of what's really happening. Helen is mad. Kip presents Lambda's story (or "dope", as he calls it) and the evidence. Then he tells the story of him and Helen in the courtyard the night before. She's getting really mad, and Kip figures out enough to suddenly grab her right hand and cover her palm. She resists initially, but regains self-control. She confesses the following: -She has no love for Laird;Ahh, now I understand Kip's priorities. He doesn't use the opportunity to find out about a plot to take over the world, just to answer his personal questions. Even then, this little display is weird, but not convincing. Oh well, it's just a silly movie. Kip and Helen kiss. Laird grabs Kip and punches him. Helen screams. There's a fight, with Doug trying to break it up. Helen slips off into the courtyard. When the men realize Helen is gone and back under cat-women control, they chase Helen. Lambda finds them, and says that Alpha, Beta, and Helen are off to the rocket. Lambda took two of the spacesuits, so only those three could go. Why couldn't Lambda have taken more suits? This automatically means that Beta brought back Walt's suit along with hers after their prospecting trip. I guess everyone forgot about Walt, and we might as well too. He's not mentioned again. Kip, Doug, and Lambda rush off to get the suits. Laird stands in the courtyard, disillusioned. Doug and Kip get their suits and rush off to chase after the cat-women plus Helen. Lambda teleports ahead of them to try and slow them down, and again she takes the soundtrack away too. We cut to the cave. Lambda meets Alpha and Beta and tries to stall them, but they don't go for it. Lambda then gets forceful, and tries to free Helen from Alpha's control. Beta hits Lambda with a rock, causing her to fall to the ground, while the three ladies continue walking off-camera. Enter Kip and Doug. Kip fires his gun and follows the women off-camera, while Doug crouches down to nurse Lambda. Lambda dies. That must have been some blow. We then hear Kip shouting from off-camera: "Doug! The cat-women are dead! Helen's all right!"The whole while, we see Doug slowly letting go of Lambda. That's the weakest, most unsatisfying ending ever, in the same class of Robot Monster and Monster A-Go Go! We didn't see any part of the climax! ARRGGGHH!! The story now over, we cut to the rocket on the surface. Inside, Laird speaks to the crew, minus Walt who is gone and dead. Laird was apparently speaking to everyone, but we catch him speaking to Doug: "And as for you... what's done is done."Great, how nice. Thanks for the kind words there, Captain Crunch. Doug looks and sounds shaken and sad. They radio Earth, and Earth replies: "What? Who? White Sands to Moon rocket, was that you?!"No, it was one of the multitudes of other Moon rockets calling. Doug says their condition is good, and they've got a long story to tell. We close the film with a shot of the rocket in flight with 'THE END' superimposed.
THE END!!!
Yikes, what a movie. This is really funny. I laughed multiple times through the film at the dialog and the science, and at other times, I stared at my television screen in utter shock and awe of what I saw. That's right, this movie Shocked and Awed me. Lots of classic mistakes, like the 'Walt-Doug' mix-up and the fake slap. Basically, the movie teaches that if you dress a woman in black leotards, do her hair up in a bun, and apply lots of makeup to her eyes, she becomes a Cat-Woman with psychic powers! They didn't even have whiskers or slit-pupils or tails or anything! What was the deal with the rocket's window? First, we saw a wacky shot of the Earth rolling around and around outside at takeoff. Then we saw the Moon slowly swerving from one side to another. Did it ever occur to the special effects crew as they made this movie that this didn't look right? The spiders were great. Just so awful and fake looking. If I could make one of them, I would. Heck, I might even pay good money to purchase the prop. The acting was no worse than what I was expecting, though the writing was over-the-top much of the time and pretty laughable. I guess they just worked with what they had. The visual effects were what I was expecting, and I thought the Moon exterior sets were a bit small looking. Don't get me started on the movie's science. What was acid doing aboard a rocket? If any of it leaked and ate through the hull, it would be lights out for the crew. Neither water nor carbon dioxide can neutralize an acid. Magnetic fields do not cause gravitational fields. The Dark Side and the Far Side of the Moon are two different things, and not interchangeable. If you like choppy editing, women who can't dance too well, or movies that have been retitled, then you might like Cat-Women of the Moon (or whatever it's being called now.) Back to main site? |
