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It's not really blood-red, though:
Blood Red Planet
Starring Jon McBride, John Polonia, and Todd Carpenter Written by John Polonia Directed by Jon McBride and John Polonia American, 2000 I can say with some certainty that Blood Red Planet is the worst movie I've ever seen. There are different flavours of "bad", I know. However, when you look at a movie as a whole, taking things like writing, acting, directing, editing, and visual effects into account, you can prioritize all movies. That's how I can say that this movie is the worst one I've ever seen so far. And you know what? I love this movie. I don't know why I'm drawn to movies that most people can't stand. It's hard to find other people (in person, anyway) who appreciate bad movies the same way I do, so it's a bit isolating to collect and watch these movies, from a hobby standpoint anyway. I've met and known many people, and only one or two of my best friends could even bring themselves to watch movies with me. Blood Red Planet is a movie that very few people can stand watching. Nobody wants to watch it with me. The amateurish production, the microscopic budget, the lame acting and poorly-written dialogue, as well as the corny effects and piss-poor sets all conspire to make this a most undesirable movie. Even I was tired out after watching it and I was weary of movie watching after this one was over. I was so weary that I was compelled to write about it. I knew it would be this bad. That's why I bought it. It was produced, edited, written, and directed by John and Mark Polonia, two brothers from the northeastern U.S. who make some serious cinematic dreck, usually horror or maybe sci-fi. I'm certain that all of their movies are direct-to-video things, perhaps sold to their family and friends, with tiiiiiny budgets. I've seen a few of their movies before (I can't take much more than a few) and I think this is a good example of their work. Let's go through this movie together. It begins innocently enough, with some synthesized music. The entire soundtrack is synthesized. It keeps costs down. However, there's something wrong with the quality of the image right away. The graininess of it betrays the fact that this movie was recorded on a video camera, and not on film stock. The credits, featuring names I've seen only in other Polonia movies, are shown over graphics of some kind, weird lines that move in a somewhat random fashion. You really need to see it for yourself. Eventually the credits end... and we are greeted with a very cheap and fairly small model of what appears to be some sort of base on the moon... at least, I think it's the Moon, judging from the starry sky. I got the strong impression that it was built on a tabletop.  Fig. 1 - The Lunar Base We cut to a goofy man with headphones on, sitting at a computer terminal. It's a tight close-up shot. Long shots would show us the true extent of the various different sets in this film. They're probably corners of the same room. In addition to keeping long shots out of the movie, virtually every single interior set is dimly lit with strange, green or red mood lighting to try and create some sort of creepy feel. Yes, this is the sort of movie we're dealing with. A movie illuminated with Christmas lights. The man is typing, and watching a monitor showing the Moon slipping in front of the Earth in space. The man stares at this for another moment, and types a little more into his standard PC keyboard. There's a jump-cut to a planet or moon that resembles Mars. Space looks really foggy in this shot. The graphics are cheap, Nintendo 64 quality. A red light flashes, and a siren goes off. The man glances at his monitor, at Mars, and calls Earth base, informing us that he is indeed stationed at Lunar Base Six. Earth base calls back through what looks like a standard computer speaker, one of those little ones that comes with a desktop. However, the voice doesn't sound like it's coming out of a radio. It sounds like it's in the next room, talking into a microphone. Also, this person sounds like Napoleon Dynamite. Just hearing this voice as he read his lines made me laugh. The unidentified man in the Lunar base tells Earth base that an unidentified "planetoid" has appeared out of nowhere and is now circling Mars. Okay. All right. We've got planetoids appearing out of nowhere now. Don't expect any good explanations for any of this. We see some more cheesy computer graphics, while Earth base orders the man to scan it and report back. He types a little more. His eyes bug out, and he has some unbelievable news for Earth base. Earth base is eager to hear it. However, before he can report it, a bright light seems to come from Mars and the Lunar base is suddenly enveloped in poorly superimposed special effects, similar in appearance to those we saw in the beginning credits of the film. I shall refer to these squiggly white lines as 'The Cheap Graphics'. The man screams, and we get extremely tight close-ups of the man's teeth and eyes. Yes, he seems to be in some pain. Meanwhile, Earth base rather tepidly asks what's happening. The man screams for another six seconds before The Cheap Graphics apparently destroy the base. We then see Earth enveloped in The Cheap Graphics, as well as strange flashes of light wracking our planet. A spaceship inexplicably flies by. You wouldn't believe the quality of these graphics. I mean, this movie was made in 2000. There was commercially available software that could have rendered better graphics... but such software probably would have blown the budget. But never mind that. We cut to some old, old stock footage of what appears to be a volcanic eruption, with the title "Live Via Satellite" superimposed on the bottom of the screen. We also see a flood or something, and buildings burning and falling. And then, suddenly, we see a photo of a cityscape, with the words "New Los Angeles" and "Earth Time: 0800 hrs." superimposed. In the future, Earth will be in one time zone! A voiceover with apparent nasal problems tells us this: "Earlier this morning, a rogue planetoid appeared from nowhere... and began circling Mars."We then see a man in a strange suit, sitting at a desk in a dark room. He's the anchorman whose been reading to us, and we're watching "EarthBase News." He looks like one of my high school math teachers, and reads with some sort of affectation that's really quite something to hear. I didn't know a movie could be this amateurish. This unnamed anchorman tells us that Lunar Base Six can't be reached, and "freak weather conditions" appeared all over the world at about the time of the appearance of the planetoid.  Fig. 2 - EarthBase News Wait, there's more. The anchorman shrinks down to a corner of the screen, while we're treated to an image of two men in dark turtleneck sweaters. These two guys are the crew of the Omega-1, a spaceship that will take off to find out just what is happening on the Moon. Yes, we're back to another small set as the two men sit down in what could be an editing booth at a TV station. There's some buttons and little TV monitors in front of them. They put headphones on and are ready to blast off into the unknown. We see stock footage of rocket engines taking off, and then cheesy computer graphics of their ship flying past the Moon. The captain calls Earth base (he refers to himself as "Captain Jack"), and that weird Napoleon Dynamite voice answers. They're going to land at the Lunar base in ten minutes. WOW that was a fast flight! There's some crappy dialogue, interspersed with crappy graphics. They come up on the base and land. You know, if your movie has crappy graphics, you shouldn't be featuring them prominently! Anyway, we see some stock footage from one of the Ranger missions to the Moon (they were probes that deliberately crashed into the Moon in the 60's) to indicate that the Omega-1 has landed. Gee, I hope it didn't land like the Rangers did. Captain Jack: "Okay Stewart, get some weapons. We'll enter the docking hallway and then sweep the entire base."Oh God. Docking hallway? For some reason, that sounds so... bad to me... as if there was a lack of talent behind these lines. It wasn't even read very well. Inside the base, our intrepid heroes walk through, accompanied by some appropriately tense music. They wear filter masks over their mouths and noses, plastic goggles over their eyes... and UPSIDE-DOWN WATER BOTTLES ON THEIR BACKS as oxygen tanks. I mean, those squirt bottles are obvious! What were they thinking?! And, as if that wasn't enough, there aren't any hoses or tubes connecting the tanks to their face masks. ARRRGGGGHHH!!! They carry guns and are pacing around slowly, looking around as if there are enemies about. Stewart makes some lame wisecrack and they enter another hallway. Finally, they enter what could be a computer lab at a university. Again, we don't see the set too well. There are a lot of computers around, and the lighting is weird and moody. Captain Jack is featured prominently in this scene, holding his gun, his glasses on underneath his big plastic goggles. I think I was laughing. I really don't remember. Nobody is around, and Captain Jack is worried. They continue searching. Finally, they come across bodies. Bodies with their throats ripped out and bloody mouths and entrails all over the place. Captain Jack calls Earth base, reporting what happened. Napoleon Dynamite claims that the signal is weak, but his dumb-sounding voice is coming in loud and clear. The captain comes to the unexplained conclusion that these wounds were self-inflicted, exactly six seconds after announcing that their causes behind the deaths are unknown. Then Earth base orders them to destroy the base, fly to Mars, and land on the planetoid. Yikes, those are some orders. Stewart: "Great, out of the frying pan and into the fire!"Wow, cut the clichés? This movie is one big cliché! What a stunningly ironic line! In order to destroy the base, Captain Jack places an explosive device on a wall. However, it's painfully obvious that this device is in fact a smoke detector, a common household smoke detector, painted a silvery colour. In order to allay confusion, Captain Jack informs us that this is a bomb, and the two astronauts leave the base.  Fig. 3 - A bomb So they walk down a dark hallway or something. Stewart asks how big the explosion will be, and this humorous passage results: Captain Jack: "Have you ever seen a molecular explosion?"I have two questions. 1. What is a molecular explosion? 2. What is a bathtub fire? I didn't know bathtubs were common places for fires to start. Anyway, we see a little bit more stock footage, and the Omega-1 flies away from the Moon and through space. The base is destroyed in a cheap, tiny-looking explosion that uses stock footage of a real explosion to appear real. Captain Jack announces to Earth base that they will rendezvous with the planetoid in forty-two minutes. WHAT?!?! In forty-two minutes, you will travel from the Moon to Mars? That's a significant fraction of the speed of light! Earth base is pleased, but Captain Jack is worried. Apparently, through some badly read lines, the two crewmates think that they are up against "something unknown" and that this could be a war of some sort. So they fly through space. Then a familiar looking red light flashes and a familiar siren goes off. The crew discovers some sort of flying saucer attacking them. The ship prepares for attack, and in one very quick, cheap, and confusing sequence, two (I think) flying saucers attack the Omega-1 and blow it up. So, are there any protagonists in this movie? News of the destruction of the ship reaches Earth, where that anchorman from before informs us on the current state of the film. "This just in, the Omega-1 has just exploded after lift-off from the Moon base... which has also been destroyed. No word on any survivors. At this very moment, the Omega-2 is readying for launch in hopes that the mystery can be solved... and our planet saved."As he reads this, we see a heroic shot of the larger crew of the Omega-2, which includes a token woman. Everybody gets ready for launch. Again, the shots are fairly tight in nature and restrictive, perhaps to conceal very small sets. The walls are 'decorated' with what appear to be muffin tins. At the helm sitting next to the captain, is John Polonia, one half of the directing team. He's a geeky-looking guy with glasses and a moustache. He looks kind of like Gary "Baba Booey" Dell'Abate from the Howard Stern Show. The other guy is the captain, who happens to be the other director. Perhaps they directed this movie from the bridge. It's a convenient arrangement. Everybody appears to be wearing dark clothes, usually turtlenecks. One guy takes a swig from a bottle that we are to presume contains alcohol. The ship's doctor, whose set actually appears to contain a gurney and some mundane medical equipment, also prepares. We see the ship's computer, which is named 'KAL', and which is comprised of two television monitors, some random looking electric equipment, and many muffin tins glued to the walls around it.  Fig. 4 - KAL Anyway, we watch this for 1 minute and 18 seconds before something happens to break the monotony of the cheesy synthetic music that strangles the soundtrack of the movie. The crew introduces themselves: Captain Sterling (Jon McBride), who appears reminiscent of Captain Dallas in Alien;Anyway, the ship takes off from wherever it is, and the camera shakes indicating it's a rough engine burn. I count six muffin trays in the "bridge", such that it is. Anyway, KAL announces that he's turning on "regular gravity, fifty percent oxygen, and retro stabilizers," before a meeting is called in the rec room. Because of this, we are treated to seeing every crewmember take off their headset, and get up from their station. Frankie takes a drink because he's the movie's alcoholic. The rec room appears to be a plain room with a projector and a screen. We don't see much of the room. All of the crewmembers are packed inside, asking questions of Sterling. The duration of the mission is unknown. Frankie chimes in, noting that the region of space they are heading to is unofficially known as the "Bermuda Triangle of space." Great way to build confidence there. I didn't know there was anything wrong about the region of space around the planet Mars, but never mind. I'm probably wrong about that. Malco notes that twenty-five ships have disappeared in the region. Starr asks if any of this has to do with the planetoid. Sterling passes this sticky question off to KAL, who believes that a hypothetical wormhole in the area somehow sucked in all those missing spaceships, and allowed the planetoid to emerge. Dawson wonders if this could all be the work of some intelligence, and KAL replies that there is a ninety-six percent chance of this. Sterling reports the following: "The Omega-1, our sister ship, was shot down by saucer-shaped crafts [sic]... occupancy unknown."Oh, I know the occupancy! They could hold fifty aliens comfortably, with twenty in the dining car! Anyway, Frankie wonders out loud if this has something to do with the strange weather on Earth. Good gravy, this is like a cinematic version of Connect-The-Dots! KAL replies that there's a 98.325% chance of this. Where'd that number come from? Sterling warns the crew that this could lead to the end of mankind, but is hopeful that humanity can look upon this planetoid as a common enemy and that this will stop the fighting amongst our various races on planet Earth. Sterling dismisses everyone, and everyone leaves with the exception of Doctor Dawson.  Fig. 5 - Doctor Dawson I do believe that this Todd Carpenter, the man playing Dawson, is the worst actor in the world. He's a veritable ham. Even worse, his (lack of) skill is based upon a void of talent and yet is somehow built up to such preposterous proportions that he's given a starring role in a movie! He swaggers up to Sterling, appearing and even sounding drunk. I think he means to be conveying disbelief, but it's certainly not working. He asks Sterling why they're automatically assuming the intelligence to be hostile. Sterling brings up the fact of the millions of people dying on Earth and in space. Dawson's acting gets even worse, as he attempts to show outrage that comes off as drunken stupidity. He makes exaggerated gestures and tries to put some sort of intonation into his voice, but it all adds up to a cringe-worthy performance as he argues with Sterling. Losing the 'argument', he storms off, slapping his forehead and shouting "Idiot!" as he walks away. Just like Napoleon Dynamite! Sterling stares into space for a moment. Time passes, as indicated by quick shots of various crewmembers working away. Captain Sterling and KAL have a conversation. Sterling is worried that Dawson is right, and that they should try communicating with the intelligence. Sterling feels that this is wrong, and this degenerates into a conversation about the nature of human feelings. During the conversation, we see brief effects shots of Sterling through a fish-eye lens effect. The Polonias had the gall to name their computer KAL. Now they're copying the equivalent fish-eye perspective shots from 2001: A Space Odyssey? Wow. Anyway, We learn that Sterling was involved with a project called "Quantum Smart". KAL describes this program: "Quantum Smart: Pregnant mothers were given recombinant DNA treatments to make their unborn children smarter."Whoa! Anyway, the project failed because the children went nuts and killed everyone, having no regard for life. Sterling reasons that high intelligence wipes out feelings like love, hate, compassion, etc, and feels that any intelligence behind the planetoid may be like this. KAL inexplicably agrees. We cut to Dawson's office, the walls covered in muffin tins. Becky Starr is right behind him as he peers into a microscope. She's there simply to ask Dawson why he doesn't like the captain very much. The conversation is quite boring, and drowning in horrible acting on Carpenter's part. However, the doctor feels that Sterling is just a dumb guy who follows orders. Starr disagrees with him throughout the whole scene. Plus, her lines smack of poor writing: "You know, I think you're blinded by your own beliefs and not giving him near enough credit. I sensed your hostility toward him from the very beginning and wondered if there was something deeper... maybe personal."Has she become the narrator of the film? She's talking like one. Anyway, while she verbalizes her apparent thought processes, Dawson is sort of moving his head around, vaguely peering through his microscope. He reaffirms his belief that the aliens may not be hostile, and he really wants to communicate with them. Starr disagrees yet again. Dawson is willing to sacrifice human lives to attempt communication. Dawson: "It's thinking like yours that holds back mankind."She then smacks the table and storms away. What a meaningful conversation. We see Starr again, making another impromptu visit, this time to Frankie. Doesn't she have a job? She's upset at the doctor, and Frankie doesn't like him either. She warns Frankie about his alcohol, and through their heavily scripted conversation, we learn that Sterling lost a recon team in a mission four years earlier, and Frankie says that Sterling "bugged out" and says that this is a suicide mission, calling everyone on board the Omega-2 a "fuck up". He's resigned to what he feels is his fate. Starr doesn't believe that their ship is crewed by rejects. Breaking the monotony, more cheap CG flying saucers attack their ship, and the dynamic theme music of the movie cuts in. The guns deploy on the ship, and a really lame combat sequence takes shape. Dawson exhibits yet more cringe-worthy acting. The saucers approach the ship, and Malco is eager to fire on them, but Sterling insists that they wait for the right moment. See, I think tension is supposed to be building here, but I don't feel anything other than confusion. Why would anyone work with the Polonia brothers in these movies? Anyway, there's a 89 second-long combat sequence, interspersed with CG shots of the saucers attacking the ship, and lame looking explosions. There's a lot of reuse of the same CG shots over and over again, which gets annoying. During the attack, one of the saucers is destroyed, while the other one manages to fly back to the planetoid that looks like Mars and land on its reddish surface. Ahhh, this must be the titular blood red planet. Funny, it's more of a brick brown colour. I thought it was Mars at the start of the movie, but apparently it's not. Anyway, everybody reports in. Nothing is seriously wrong with the ship, but there's a little damage here and there. Unfortunately, KAL reports that a spacewalk will be required to fix some scorched sensors. Oooh, this is familiar, isn't it? Hey, we even get a little 'humour': Malco: "I'll go fix it."Ha ha ha. This is funny. Anyway, it's apparent that John Polonia really wanted to give himself a nice, heroic role in this movie. I HATE MARY SUE!!! We learn that Starr would rather have sex with KAL than with Frankie. So Malco suits up. We see him grab those upside-down plastic water bottles from the wall.  Fig. 6 - Oxygen tanks He also grabs a motorcycle helmet, and then we watch him slowly zip up some sort of coverall. It's like a reverse striptease... ugh. He puts on some rather thin looking gloves, and fits the helmet on. And from this build-up, we cut to Malco, in his 'spacesuit', standing in front of an obvious green screen onto which a starfield is cheaply chroma keyed into. Yeah okay, this is Cable Access television technology here.  Fig. 7 - Malco in space We even hear loud breathing sounds, akin to those heard in the spacewalk scenes from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Anyway, we won't see Malco and the spaceship in the same shot. All we see is either Malco's head and shoulders, or some sort of control panel that looks like the inside of a furnace or a pool heater. For a brief moment, duct tape is visible, perhaps covering up a logo on the prop. Malco goes to work, following KAL's instructions. Malco has an annoying, geeky voice. Or rather, John Polonia has an annoying, geeky voice. Malco finishes up and closes the panel back up again. However, sensors are detecting an object approaching Malco. He says he's getting inside the ship, but keeps asking what kind of object is approaching him. He looks around but sees nothing. Maybe if you turn your head, you'll see it. KAL is unable to identify it. Malco doesn't believe there's anything there, when all of a sudden, a paper maché hand waves in front of his face. Malco is startled, and his reaction made me laugh. Sterling is angry, shouting into his microphone with frustration. Geez, calm down. It's just a silly movie you're in! Stop trying to act like you're fighting for an Oscar award! The goofy hand waves at Malco's visor. We cut to Doctor Dawson, who's examining a dead female corpse, the owner of the weird hand that Malco saw. Malco tells us that he soiled himself. Great, so much for the submarine sandwich I was eating at the time. Dawson is unsure as to where the body came from. We see a weird close up of I don't know what. Dawson tells us that her brain has "digested itself", consumed from the inside out. Sterling: "Was that the cause of death?"Hm. Well, this is some doctor you've got here. Anyhoo, how could a brain digest itself? What exactly consumed it, stomach acid? I'm confused! Anyway, all of this tension is supposed to gear us up for the landing on the uberevil planetoid. We get a somewhat gratuitous 30 second-long shot of the Omega-2 gliding through space. Again, if your CG shots are sub-par, why display them prominently?!  Fig. 8 - The Omega-2 Captain Sterling is sleeping in his bed, but he doesn't look too good. Yes, it's time for the nightmare scene. We see weird, distorted shots of Sterling without a beard, cringing in agony, interspersed with images of the exploding moon base, and stock footage from various NASA missions. In his dream, Sterling screams a retreat order before suddenly waking up. I guess we're just trying to build some background here. So, finally, the ship is approaching the "rogue planetoid". Sterling makes an entry into the ship's log, basically summing up the movie. Down in Doctor Dawson's office, he's looking at what appears to be a pink cloud of theatre fog through his microscope, occasionally saying "Oh my God!" and jotting down numbers. He's amazed by the power that could have done whatever it was he was looking at through his microscope. Okay, I get it. The aliens are powerful and intelligent, and you admire them. OKAY! Sterling and Malco are back on the bridge, three minutes from descent. Everybody is ready. Frankie is obscene, as usual. Sterling plans to land the ship near the crashed saucer. We don't see the ship on descent, just the crew interacting, and more stock footage from the Ranger impact missions to the moon, only tinted red to indicate that they are landing on a red surface. There's a loud crash sound, and this indicates that the ship has landed. Darwin "really, really" wants to go with Sterling and Malco, but Sterling refuses to oblige the doctor, which prompts the doctor to throw a mild tantrum. We get a truly crappy shot of the Omega-2 sitting on the surface of the planet. What it consists of is a cut-out of the Omega-2 pasted to an image from one of the Viking landers of the Martian surface. Because of this, the ship is surrounded by hundreds of what must be massive boulders.  Fig. 9 - On the surface of the planetoid Malco and Sterling walk around, wearing the trademark squirt bottle oxygen tanks, the plastic workshop goggles, and the filter masks. They both wield weapons of some sort. The ground that we can see here looks nothing like the photo of the landed ship. Everything is tinted a salmon-pink colour, and there are no trees or plants around. Malco notes how odd it is for a planetoid to have an atmosphere. Yes, it keeps the budget down. The two head up a ridge to find the saucer. Back aboard, Dawson is performing an autopsy on the woman's corpse, when suddenly, The Cheap Graphics travel through the ship and pause next to the doctor in his office. The actor looks at it the same way he looks at his cue cards, with complete lack of facial emotion. He tries adding intonation to his voice, but it's so bad. Why did you give the hardest lines to the least capable actor?! He thinks the intelligence is trying to communicate with them, and he wants to learn. The special effect speaks to him with that weird Napoleon Dynamite voice. What, couldn't the Polonias spring for a different voice actor to play the alien? Good Gravy.  Fig. 10 - The alien intelligence Anyway, the alien is happy Dawson is willing to help it. It tells Dawson to keep the meeting a secret, and then moves away down the hallway. Dawson is happy... or something. I can't really tell what he's feeling. Yes, his acting is that bad. Back outside, Sterling and Malco walk on the ridge, with a scary alien sky superimposed behind them. It looks like this place was filmed in some undeveloped patch of land. There's a lot of mud around, and pebbles, and little shrubs here and there, along with patches of snow and ice. It looks like a bulldozer had been there recently. They walk, accompanied by tense music. We then get a quick shot of something. It's a mutilated human face, tangled up in a mess of electrical wires (hair, I suppose), and lit with a purplish light. It's steaming, and doesn't look like it's outside. However, it's apparently outside in front of Sterling and Malco.  Fig. 11 - The mutilated face thingy We see a close-up of Malco with that ridiculous attire as he describes what he sees:  Fig. 12 - Malco Malco: "Damn! Bodies! Hundreds of bodies!"We, of course, never see these bodies. We only see their reaction to the bodies. Unless that blue thing was supposed to be bodies. I really don't know. Back aboard, a siren goes off and KAL reports a hatch breach. KAL detects no life forms, and Frankie doesn't take it seriously. Okay, now everybody is gonna die, right? Starr is working at her computer. We get shots of a hallway, along with weird breathing and moaning sounds. A zombie, or something, wearing a space suit, has entered the ship and sneaks up on Doctor Dawson. Oh God, do we have to watch this guy 'act' again?! Dawson opens the curtain and looks around, seeing nothing. He spots some dried mud on the ground, and thinks. Closing the curtain, he's startled by the zombie, which is right there next to him. It's kind of a silly looking zombie, with a goofy mask for a face under the motorcycle helmet. It stands there, flexing its fingers. Dawson is excited to learn the mysteries of the universe, honestly believing this ghoul is a benevolent being. That is so not a normal human reaction. This is crappy writing combined with crappy acting. Dawson tries talking to it, but it doesn't talk and only approaches him, its hands up by its face. Dawson is getting confused. Then the zombie says that it has "nothing to say." Dawson won't give up, asking what he can do for it. Finally, the zombie says, "We want you to die," and strangles Dawson. THANK YOU!! A brief struggle, and all is over. Outside, Malco and Sterling find a corpse outside. We can see the same prop hand we saw earlier in the movie, and the two crewmates theorize about what could have done this. Sterling thinks that it could be an organic parasite... whatever that means. Oh, okay, the most we'll see of this pile of hundreds of bodies is that one prop hand? Sure. The two astronauts continue on. Frankie drinks at his station, while the zombie approaches him from behind. Frankie thinks it's Starr, and is eager to see her again, crediting his "irresistible machoism [sic]." Machoism? Clearly, it wasn't his powers of literacy. The zombie gets closer, and Frankie can smell its apparently putrid smell. He then gets strangled. Sterling and Malco continue on, looking around and hearing strange sounds. Malco is looking down at something, and we again get a brief shot of a mess of wires in a blue light, with that cruddy special effect superimposed. Before Malco can get Sterling to look at it, the special effect is gone. They head off. Aboard the ship, Frankie (who apparently escaped the zombie) runs to the doctor, seeking to contact the captain to warn him about the zombie. However, the doctor spins around with a sword and sprouting a clichéd remark with his typical lack of acting prowess, before slicing Frankie open. I thought the doctor was killed. Meanwhile, Starr works at her computer as something creeps up on her. She asks KAL to call Dawson and Frankie, but they're not answering. KAL then shuts down to recharge his sensors. I feel like I've seen this scene before... in every single other low-grade horror movie I can think of! He switches off, and Starr sees Frankie, who has snuck up on her. He's speaking slowly and calmly, saying that everything is wonderful. Starr is worried. Frankie's face is smeared with blood. Starr: "Oh shit it's you! Where've you been? I was trying to find you, KAL's been ringing for you."He then slices her head open with an axe. We don't see this, but we get a nice close-up of what could be her brains being split open. Outside, Malco and Sterling are staring up at the crashed saucer. It was cheaply superimposed into the overhead shot, like lots of things in this movie. I mean, the script was superimposed onto the actors, and their acting was superimposed into cheap sets, and the cheap sets were superimposed into whatever basement this was filmed in. Anyway, there's a notch in the hull. I thought that this was some mistake in the special effect, but I think it's supposed to be a breach in the hull of the saucer, so Sterling decides to take an incredible risk and enter the alien spacecraft resting on the surface of an alien planetoid. Malco doesn't want to be left alone since it's "creepy" outside. To show us that Sterling is in fact entering the saucer, he walks forward until the superimposed saucer covers him. He doesn't even duck down, or attempt to look as if he's hunkering down to enter a hole in the edge of the saucer. Wait, the worst is still yet to come. Inside, the saucer is dark, and there's a single greenish light illuminating the close-up of Sterling as he waves his gun around and breathes loudly. We watch him slowly pace through a hallway with that ridiculous filter mask on. We get a brief shot of some sort of container that looks like a garbage can, with a lid that flips open and smoke pouring out. Some sort of two-fingered tentacle grasps the edge. So Sterling stalks around for another 25 seconds before stumbling upon the container. He looks inside, and sees what appears to be a chain of sausages, with the two-fingered claw on one end, sitting in the bottom of the container. This thing is enveloped by The Cheap Graphics we see so often in this movie. Sterling finds this unimpressive thing "incredible", immediately coming to the illogical conclusion that this thing is a drone controlling the saucer. He turns away from it briefly, and this is enough time for the thing to leap out of the container and attack Sterling. We see Sterling holding this prop and pretending to struggle with it. It makes a high-pitched beeping sound and flaps its now immobile hand against Sterling's goggles in a laughable shot. Somehow, it falls to the floor, twitching a bit and allowing Sterling to shoot it with his laser gun, completely vaporizing it and leaving no trace. How convenient. Malco waits outside, and again we see a loving shot of him with those squirt bottles on his back, looking around. He hears a distant moaning sort of sound, and he hopes it's the wind. Oh, of course it isn't the wind. It must be the diabolical force behind the planetoid. We get a quick shot of that purplish face entangled in wires. Malco cries out and shoots apparently at random in all directions, his shooting interspersed with distorted shots of that purplish face that is supposed to represent the pile of dead bodies. Really a weird sequence, since the face doesn't even fit in with anything. It's very disjointed. Malco calls out for the captain as he fires, and Sterling rushes out of the saucer. Malco tries telling Sterling that the bodies were coming after him, but Sterling dismisses this as a hallucination. Sterling calls KAL with some communicator device and asks to be put in touch with Frankie, but KAL reports that the ships appears to be deserted. He can't pick up any of the crewmembers. Some inane dialogue follows: Malco: "What did you find in that saauuucer?"John Polonia has an irritating accent, which I've tried to illustrate. Basically, a whiney voice. Anyway, the two men trudge back up a muddy hill. I wish I was there, watching the filming of this movie. I would have seen two adult men in ridiculous costumes, trudging around with their guns in an attempt to look like they were in a war zone. That alone would have been more entertaining than this movie. So, we go back to the Omega-2. Please, can't we keep the movie moving forward? No, we must go backwards. Anyway, Sterling and Malco come upon their dead crew, and leave blankets over their bodies. In a scene with poor sound (ever hear of a BOOM MIKE?!), Sterling realizes that one of the dead bodies from the pile killed the whole crew. KAL feels remorse for not being able to warn the crew, but Sterling tries consoling the computer that it couldn't have helped because the intruder was dead and couldn't be detected. What, does KAL lack cameras that record visual light? And why does KAL feel bad? Isn't it a computer?! Anyway, now KAL is picking up an underground energy reading. Sterling decides to go to this energy source, to get to the bottom of the mystery. KAL is given an order to destroy the ship if Sterling never returns, to destroy the planetoid and prevent it from destroying Earth. Of course, KAL goes through the hokey emotional speech. KAL: "Captain? I'm... I'm..."Back on the bridge, Malco is trying to call Earth base, but they won't answer. Malco says their signal is being jammed. Maybe it's the ten-minute light travel time between Mars and Earth, I don't know. However, they can still receive news from Earth. The weather is getting worse, and we see stock footage of volcanoes and fires and a collapsing bridge. The two remaining crewmen must go to the energy source and destroy whatever it is. So once again, we get to see them suit up and get close-ups of their squeeze bottle oxygen tanks. This is all set to crappy, fast-paced techno mood music. We even get to see them put their filter masks and workshop goggles on, in painful detail. OKAY, GO ALREADY!!! Outside, they walk. Yeah, we've seen this. KAL will monitor them as long as possible. Sterling has a hunch about the energy source, thinking that the planetoid and the animated corpses are being controlled by whatever this energy source is. You know, I think all the dialogue in this movie has made me cringe or squirm. So, they walk while that cruddy music continues on. Walking and walking, guns at the ready. Walking. Walking a bit more. Pacing is important, I think. At least slow the tense music down if nothing is happening. All in all, they walk for 1 minute and 33 seconds of silence. Finally, they get close to the energy source. Sterling lobs a smoke detector, which explodes (in a cheap sequence) and opens up some sort of cavity in the ground. They're going in. As they approach the hole, we see that Malco's squirt bottles aren't even centred on his back. It looks stupid. Sterling reports in to KAL before proceeding into the dark cave. On one of KAL's screens, we can see Sterling's face. How can KAL see them like that? Once inside, Sterling removes his mask and goggles, and Malco does the same. Malco makes a big deal about removing Sterling's oxygen tanks, and here we see that they were attached to Sterling's jacket with double-sided transparent tape. Stop showing us the limitations of your special effects, please! They walk through a cavern with walls that look like they've been coated with Saran Wrap. Again, there's more walking and abnormally heavy breathing despite the fact that they've taken off their masks and tanks. Who is breathing like that? They walk and walk through the same set over and over again in total silence for 1 minute and 42 seconds of complete padding before coming across something. It's another small model of some strange apparatus that vaguely resembles a planetarium projector. Sterling and Malco (pretend to) see the objects and Sterling tells us that it's an engine. The planetoid is a spaceship. They place a few smoke detector bombs onto this engine and proceed towards another tunnel. Remember when I said that the worst was yet to come? Well, it's here. We get a short shot of what appears to be a strange, single eyeball opening and closing again. Through the miracle of cheap special effects, it hypnotizes Malco while Sterling is busy affixing bombs. Malco looks sleepy, and rather weakly conks Sterling over the head with the butt of his laser gun. Sterling falls, unconscious, and Malco drops the gun and stalks forward like a zombie, towards the eyeball. I saw this eyeball, and immediately groaned. I groaned again when I realized that we would never see it and Malco in the same shot. Anyway, Malco shakes his head and snaps out of it. He looks in front of him, and sees the diabolical mastermind, the evil force behind all of these events. What is it, you may ask? IT IS A GOOFY FOAM SOCK PUPPET. Yes, that's right. It has a big toothy mouth and a single eye atop its body. It stands on two legs and has two tentacle-like arms that hang limply at its sides. Malco screams loudly, and the camera advances on him, suggesting that it's eating him. Sterling comes to, and grabs Malco's gun. He gets up and calls out for Malco. The next scene almost made me lose total bladder control. Yes, we see the elaborate sock puppet, chewing on an action figure that's supposed to be Malco. Dubbed in are munching sounds and Malco screaming. I was just laughing and laughing. THIS IS SO BAD, IT'S GREAT!!  Fig. 13 - The alien eating Malco We even see close-ups of Malco, thrashing and screaming for Sterling to save himself. Oh, how selfless of him! I get a real 'Mary Sue' impression from this character. Hey, fake blood even starts bubbling out of Malco's mouth as the foam puppet chews on the action figure. Sterling only stares up in horror as we see rather viscous blood drip down onto Malco's geeky glasses, which have fallen to the ground below. We get some gratuitous shots of blood oozing out of Malco's mouth. Sterling screams up at the monster and tries firing his laser gun at it, but seeing and hearing it fire, I get the strong impression that the gun is a feeble weapon against the monster. The monster groans, but begins speaking. Just seeing the sock puppet in operation is enough to make me laugh. It has the same Napoleon Dynamite-esque voice as Earth base, which doesn't at all surprise me. It explains that it's somehow immune to Sterling's laser gun. Sterling screams at it, really screams, demanding to know why it's doing whatever it is that it's doing. He shows no alarm, fear, or surprise at the sight of this apparently ghastly creature. At least somebody is keeping this movie moving! The creature says that it intends to take Earth from us, and it deploys a gun that will "neutralize" the atmosphere of Earth, whatever that means. The creature then starts strangling Sterling, and he falls to the ground, coughing. KAL is watching all of this. KAL then blows up the ship. The monster rather tamely expresses it's unhappiness at this turn of events, and threatens to drive the planetoid into the Earth. However, Sterling blows up his bombs, disabling the engines. The creature, which stands suspiciously still, sounds a bit upset as he says that the planetoid is about to crash into the Sun. To prove this, we see stock footage of eruptions on the Sun's surface, and we hear sizzling sounds. A solarization-type effect makes everything in the scene appear red and cooking. Sterling utters this line: "Sucks to be you!"Isn't that a song? The creature is confused by Sterling's motivation to do all of this, and through Sterling, humanity's moral superiority to all alien creatures is confirmed. The sock puppet groans and finally falls over, groaning once more before the planetoid explodes in a somewhat anticlimactic explosion. And back on Earth, the anchorman reports that the storms have stopped, after millions have died. He reports that the Omega-2 destroyed the planetoid, destroying itself in the process. Nobody survived. All that we get to see is a message sent by KAL shortly before the ship was destroyed. KAL basically says that this is an opportunity for humanity to band together for a better future. All during the message, we see footage from earlier in the movie and corny graphics. Yada yada yada. The anchor signs off. He's a regular Walter Cronkite. We close with more footage of the Earth and Moon in space, before the credits start rolling. Thankfully, it's
THE END!!!
This is what I like to call an 'inbred movie'. That's a movie that has very few people behind it. In this case, the writer also co-directed and co-starred in it, while the other director was also the main star of the movie. Plus, the voice actor who portrayed Earth Base also played the monster, and the guy who played Stewart voiced KAL as well. This movie had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Every single aspect was bad. The most capable actor was John McBride by far, and that's certainly not saying much. Writing, creature and graphic effects, costumes, sets, sound mixing, lighting, stunts, and anything else you can add to this list, were bad. And I love this movie all the more for it because this was a serious attempt at a sci-fi/horror movie. They put a moral in it and tried making it moody and tense. They tried, and failed on every effort. I mean it. And by the way, throwing in elements ripped off from 2001 won't save your movie. And you know what the real nail in the coffin is? The title is wrong. It's not a planet, it's a planetoid, and it's not blood red. It's more of a brick brown. If you like Nintendo 64 graphics, non-acting, and sock puppets, you'll tolerate Blood Red Planet. If you're a little deranged like I think I may be, you'll actually enjoy it. January 26, 2006 Back to main site? |
