Haven't We Met Before?

SCENE:  WYNX, staff meeting

DAVE: Okay, I guess that’s all I have to say.  Just remember that Mr. James is coming by today to make sure getting back Mathew by paying off Andrea was a good thing.  Any final comments?

MATHEW: David, yes I do.  I feel we should rebuild Bill’s smoking lounge.

DAVE: Why?  Bill quit smoking. (Mathew shakes his head and points to Bill who’s lighting a cigarette)

BETH: Oh, Bill I thought you quit those awful things.

(Inhales) BIL: Well, my sweet I guess you thought wrong.  Does anyone else want to join me in becoming friends with these great nicotine sticks?

(Everyone groans and leaves)

OPENING TITLES

SCENE: Dave’s office, Dave and Lisa are fighting for the 5^th time in one week about their break-up

DAVE: It’s not my fault that Andrea came in here.  She was the one who said she frowned upon interoffice romances.  I couldn’t have her find out about us, it was hard enough keeping it from the staff in the beginning.  Besides, you were the one who made friends with her.

LISA: Friends?!  You thought we were friends?  That woman creeped me out from the moment she walked in. 

DAVE:  Well, whatever the ‘bond’ you two shared, I now feel great about breaking up with you, because it gave you loads of free time to hang out with Andrea!!

LISA:  Guess you did!

SCENE:  Outside Dave’s office, Mr. James is knocking on the door for the 4^th time

JIMMY: Kids?  Are you in there?  Everyone said they heard you two yelling some screaming and then nothing.

(Finally Dave’s head pokes out)

DAVE: Hello, Mr. James.  This is kind of hard to say, but Lisa and I are back together.

JIMMY: Well that’s great you two.  Let’s go out to lunch and celebrate.

(Lisa’s head pokes out) Won’t the staff suspect something?

JIMMY: I’ll just tell them I am bored and want to splurge on my best buddies.

(They agree) LISA: Okay sir sure; just let us get our jackets on, ok?

(Jimmy nods)

SCENE: Lionni’s Italian House, Bill is in the bathroom, his back facing the door as Phil Hartman walks in

PHIL: Hello good sir, how are youuuuu? (His eyes see who is at the sink)  Oh my god! You’re Bill McNeal, I love your ‘Real Deal’ show on WNYX.

BILL: Kind sir, there’s no need for flattery.  I’m sure if I met….(he turns around) you!! Oh my gosh!  You’re Phil Hartman.  Sir, I am a fan, you’re SNL work is wonderful.  Would you like to join my WNYX friends and me for lunch?

PHIL: Well thank you kindly.  I’d love too.

(The reach the table)

DAVE: Welcome back Bill, I see you got your cloning machine fixed in your little bathroom visit.

(Mathew is stunned): Wow! Two copies of my favorite person.  (He reaches up to see if Phil is for real)

PHIL: Hands off, spaz!  You know you all remind me of some fellow actors I know. (Goes around the table, pointing and telling) Khandi Alexander, Joe Rogan, Vicki Lewis, Andy Dick, Maura Tierany, Dave Foley and Stephen Root.  How’s about by tomorrow I get a hold of all of them and bring them by WNYX.

JIMMY: Well, Phil I think that sounds great, but could we get back to lunch, I only have 20 minutes before I have to play Hearts with Bill Gates and Ted Turner, and if I’m late I have to also double as butler.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:

SCENE: WNYX, the next day Dave is drinking coffee as Maura walks in

Dave: Hey sweetie.  Having a good morning? (He leans in to kiss her)

Maura: (trying to get away) What are you doing? 

Dave: Lisa, it’s me, Dave your boyfriend.  I thought we always kissed hello before the staff comes in.

Maura: I’m Maura, not Lisa.  I came here cause my friend Phil told me that he wanted to let me and some other people meet the WNYX staff.

(Dave’s really embarrassed): I’m soooo sorry I mistook you for my girlfriend Lisa Miller.  You two really look a lot alike.

Maura: It’s ok.

(They walk away, Dave to his office, Maura to the break room.  She walks backwards, staring at Dave’s backside, and we see doubles of Mathew, Dave, Joe, Catherine, and Beth walk in)

(Knocking on his door) Dave F: Mr. Nelson, are you in there?  Phil said this was your office.

Dave N: (opens the door) Yes, I am Dave Nelson.  Wow!  I’m sorry if I sound fanatic, but you’re Dave Foley, aren’t you? (He nods)  Well, sir I am big fan of your work.  Kids in the Hall is one of my favorite shows.

Dave F: Thank you Dave.  I’ve heard a lot about this radio station, mainly about cat-lover Mathew’s falling spells, but I am sure you help control him. 

Dave N:  Yes, well I try to. (Laughs nervously)  We’re all like family here so I really just think of him as the weird cousin not many people talk about.

Dave F:  (laughs) Would mind if I looked around here awhile?

Dave N: No, go ahead. I’ll show you around if you want me too.

(They began looking around the office and we see the actual Mathew, Lisa, Joe, Catherine, and Beth walk in)

Beth: That girl has the same thing I have on!  The guy on the corner said this outfit was one of a kind! (She points to the girl typing at her desk)

Joe: That dude looks like an alien twin that was sent here to destroy me.  I’ve read about these things. (Points to the guy working on the copier)

Catherine:  Look at that woman’s hair.  I’d love to know where she gets it done. (Points to the woman slapping in Catherine-style the Joe look-alike)

Mathew: That guy is me!  Well, not totally me, I mean he doesn’t have my trademark falling problem. (the guy leans back to stretch from winning Solitaire and his chair gives out and he falls)

Lisa: Hey!  What are we all looking at? (She sees the ‘twins’)  Oh my god!  Phil wasn’t kidding these people look exactly like you all.  I mean, we’ve yet to see my ‘twin.’  You know, I doubt she is even here.

Joe:  Think again, dude.  Your evil alien twin sent here to destroy you is in the break room, look! (Points)

(Lisa is too shocked too move.  Meanwhile, everyone else is trying to talk to his or her ‘twin.’)

 Mathew:  Hi, I’m Mathew.  I love computer Solitaire and cats.  Who are you?

Andy:  I’m Andy I love those things too.  You know, I feel like I’ve met you somewhere before.

Mathew: That’s impossible.  (The two then start doing the same motions at the same time like a mirror image)

Beth:  Hi, I’ve seen you somewhere before I know it.  Two questions, first though.  What is the best thing in the world and do you always wear outfits like this?

Vicki:  Gum and yes.

Beth: Oh my god!  You’re my soul mate! (She hugs her while Joe R. and Joe G. are discussing duct tape and Catherine and Khandi are talking fashion)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

SCENE: still at WNYX, just later in the day and by now all of the staff, except for Lisa has made friends with their actor mirror image

Lisa: I don’t see what the big deal about all these people are.  They are just exact copies of all of us, sort of.

Dave N:  Lisa, stop worrying.  Get to know Maura, she’s really nice once you get to know her.

Lisa: Dave, that’s what we were told about Bill and look what happened.

(Dave smirks and walks off)

Jimmy: So, you’re researching a future movie role?  Cool.  What’s the movie and your part?

Stephen: Well, I can’t say the movie’s name cause they are still thinking of it, but I play a blind radio station owner.  I have been traveling to all sorts of stations lately and I think I am really getting into it.

Jimmy:  That’s great, how about I show you around my station?

Stephen: Sure.  

{Meanwhile, Dave N. has let Dave F. try his hand at radio comedy.  He does pretty well.  Dave N. is now walking into the break room.

Maura: Hey Dave, how are you?

Dave N: Oh, I’m fine.  What are you up to?

Maura: Just working on an interview I am going to air later.

Dave N: Okay cool.  You always look really cute when you do that.

Maura: Oh, thank you D..(She gets stopped as Dave kisses her.)

(5 minutes later, it ends)

Maura: Well, thank you for that, but I need to finish this.

Dave N: Oh, yeah of course.  See you tonight for dinner.

Maura: Yep okay.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

SCENE: WNYX, about an hour till closing time, Dave is walking back to his office

Dave: Hey Lisa, sorry I sort of pounced on you in the break room.  I just wanted to show you I care about us being back together.

Lisa: What are you talking about Dave?

Dave: I kissed you in the break room about 10 minutes ago while you were working on that interview.

Lisa: DAVE!!  That was Maura!  I told you that woman was evil!  She’s trying to steal you from me.  I’m going to go confront her.

Dave: Lisa, you really shouldn’t be yelling at me about that right now.

Lisa: Why? (She pauses for a second and then realizes)  Gosh Dave!  That is a sickness, you need help.

Dave: That isn’t helping. Anyway, you aren’t good at confrontations.

Lisa: (Thinks before answering)  Well, yeah usually I’m not, but this time, it’s personal.  Actually, it’s too personal, I’ll do fine.

(Walking out of the break room, Maura sees Lisa) Oh, hello. You know I never got formally introduced to you.  I’m Maura Tierany.

Lisa: I know who you are, you slut!

Maura: How dare you call me that?  Why are you calling me that anyway?  I’ve done nothing that gives you the right to call me that.

Lisa: You kissed Dave Nelson about fifteen minutes ago didn’t you while you were ‘working on an interview’ in that break room, didn’t you?!?!

Maura: He thought I was Lisa, his girlfriend and I kind of have a crush on him so I just went with it!  I bet you would do the same thing.

Lisa: Actually, I wouldn’t because Dave is my boyfriend anyway!  You’re going down, I’m keeping my Dave away from your skuzzy hands!

(Lisa punches Maura square in the left eye, Maura punches back Lisa’s stomach.  Before long, they are down on the floor in an all out brawl.  Meanwhile, the rest of the staff is coming in with there doubles.)

Catherine: Well, I wonder what this is about?  I hope nothing to do with Dave and Lisa.

Beth: Well, Catherine, it does.  Vicki and I have heard everything, Dave and Lisa—back together, Maura likes and wants Dave, so she tried to steal him.

(Vicki nods and cracks her gum).

Khandi: What’s so special about Dave and Lisa?

Mathew: Oh, Dave Nelson our news director and Lisa Miller, one of our reporters used to date.  They every now and then get back together for like two days at most.

Andy: Sounds like they have an interesting history.

Both Joes: Come on Lisa, kick her butt!  Get Dave back! (Phil and Bill are turned on at the moment)

Jimmy: Hey!  Lisa, what are you doing beating the crap out of one of our guests.

Stephen:  Jimmy, haven’t you been listening to these guys?  Maura tried to steal Dave away from Lisa.  (As 12 of these people are watching the fight Dave Foley is busy doing radio for WNYX, single handed and Dave Nelson is having an extremely serious headache.)

(Coming out of his office) Dave N: Guys, could you please keep it down?  My head hurts and I keep hearing bells.

Bill: Dave, why do you want to worry about your headache?!  Two women are fighting over you in here! 

Dave N: Really?  Well good luck Lisa, I love you. (He blows her a kiss and goes into his office.  Ahh, coffee, how I have missed you. (He downs the mug in one drink)  Dang, I thought that would help my headache.  Oh, well I guess I’m going to try and sleep it off.

(He lays down on his couch and falls asleep, still hearing the bells.  He tosses and turns trying to drown out the sound.  He fails and as he turns over one final turn he wakes up again and isn’t in his office.)

Dave: Whoa!  (He turns over and sees his alarm clock ringing and he turns it off.)  That was one weird dream.

(Everyone, including their ‘twins’ walk in.): Your telling us.

ENDING CREDITS

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