Amanda Marie

*UNTITLED*

You say we've drifted well maybe you have but I know for a fact since I became your friend I have always stayed put and have never left your side.

You have changed too much, it's scary but I can't help you, I can't be your dependant anymore, I can't give you anything you want or need anymore, because nothing I do makes you smile.

Who knows what will make you happy, I thought I use to but I should have known, we were just a phase nothing more, wish I never told you just how much I love you because it only brings more pain, to who? who knows, who cares.

I'm lost in a wave of confusion, knowing I should do something to fix it but scared of doing the wrong thing, crazy that I've already tried every tactic to change the situation and no matter what the knot just gets bigger.

Sometimes I can't sleep, or eat or even handle anything without being fucked up, maybe my phase is just as scary but yours seems worse.

I know your debating the butterflies you get when you kiss someone new but just like the old ones they do disappear, try sleeping with someone it changes everything sometimes you can't even explain it, I wish I was still a virgin, fuck I wish you still were.

I actually get sick to my stomach, when I think about this it's a headache waiting to happen I don't want a headache anymore, I don't want to think, I don't even want to be in love ever again, because it is so not worth the heartache and tears.

The only thing I miss is having a best friend, one that use to be happy, use to smile, use to laugh, but who needs friends, who needs anything.

At least, I got myself, what a waste of time, money + effort why was I so stupid to seduce a 16 year old, you guys are fucked, you don't know a good thing unless it bites you in the ass and even then it's too late, we're gone like we never existed, try being a girl, who wants you to have it all, wants you to experience everything all the finer things in life, it sucks, I hate it, all of it and never will I be used again.

I miss being happy, but nothing is stopping me but myself, I know you don't care, fuck I don't even care myself.

Why can I communicate and show emotions but you can't? I should cut myself and show you just what pain is, but I'm not a head case and neither are you, so let's just keep running it's funner that way anyways right? NO MORE PROBLEMS, NO MORE HEADACHES, NO MORE ANYTHING Life is too short, to kill ants, clean rooms, pay off debts, to ever even care, I hope you dream about me and miss me I hope you lay awake at night and can't sleep because your too busy missing me and thinking of me, the day that happens I'll be gone so far away you may never see me again.

Think you can handle that? I know I'll try it may hurt but pain goes away eventually. Maybe if I don't talk, you'll lose it, maybe then we'll be set free, your bed is getting uncomfortable and I made the fucking thing.

But it's yours it always is cause my choices are not important, my thoughts and feelings mean nothing, and I really don't care if I die or better yet, why don't I just fall off the face of the earth? Could be better on everyone because they wouldn't have to attend a funeral.

I think I'm not in love, I don't think I ever really was, just another lover to pass the time, but Hey peace your not in love anymore so it shouldn't matter. I'm not going to be here anymore anyways, so have a good life and I hope you never forget because we were suppose to meet for a reason, I just haven't figured that reason out yet.

Good Bye .... I'm gone..................July 4th 2002 *AMP*

*GROWING UP*

When did it all change? When did our paths in life come to a fork? Not only are we growing up but why are we becoming someone new? What happened to living spontaniously? Living as if there were no cares in the world, and tommorrow was a continuous of today? Maybe it's me, maybe it's all of you! I met you all for a reason, did I change you or did you change me? I sometimes look in the mirror and don't even recognize who I really am, I'm sorry I care, I'm sorry I come across like I'm brushing you off, I hate to see you hurt and cry, to see you struggle when all I want is for you to have an awesome life, Why must you act as if your the only one alive and somedays wish you weren't? I worry, cause I love, I turn away because I tried but in the end who's the one still holding your hand when everyone has left your side. I hope I've helped you or at least made you smile, I hope you succeed in everything you do, I'm sorry I don't call when you need me, I'm sorry I stay, when you want me to go. I want to live life and be independant, I want to be loved for who I am, I want to be remembered and looked at as one hell of a friend, I want you to have all you've ever dreamed of, I want you to know you are truly not alone, Follow your heart, Follow your soul, Follow your path where ever it may go, Just don't change to much cause I like the way you are, and I don't want to get to know you all over again. May our paths cross again and again, don't change to much my dear sweet friends.

Oct 14th 2002 Amanda Marie

I'm at a point in my life where i'm confused on so many different levels first being work/ career , life , relationships my past its nuts and on top of that doctors are over rated they can't even diagonoise a pain i have on my right side cause i'm a girl they think i'm pregnant funny thing u think every pain a female gets is baby related fuck that i ain't a slut also i'm a little pissed about all the 3 am phone calls i have been receiving from my close guy friends whats wrong with u guys go jerk off or call one of the sluts u hang out with don't call me at 3am when i'm eating a sandwich wanting to know if u can come over there are reasons why i dont give out my address to many people i work to much and its a total love/hate relationship i need to work it grounds me keeps me going but its so not my dream job i gotta get over the fact where i do work i might have the odd day where I will see an ex walk past cause it is a popular area i need a full weekend off schools starting just more steppin stones and things to add to my resume I'm grateful though there's people out there who would love to be where i'm at I'm tossed with a 10 year ago relationship funny how people show up in your life at weird times i feel tested cause I also think i'm fallin for someone i hardly know and that still takes up alot of my time and energy sigh i want to fall in love but i'm scared to even hang out with this person weird for me pickin up complete strangers like strays and take them home cause they need help i start up random conversations with assorted strangers yet when it comes to one outta 6 billion people on this earth I feel like such a chicken with this guy and deep down i have nothing to hide from him i just have no idea how far this attraction thing is going to go between us wonder if it will work if not plan b like i really need or want or have one no life flows and i go with it maybe my past will be more beneficial then i expected or this new beginning is a slow but productive process for which I found a supa funky mang haha y am i so scared oh and i have to move i have never moved so much in my life these last few years i need to get established right quick and vacation time as well for now I work go to school sip my neo citran be happy i'm alive and see what happens with da doctors and the 2 men in my life no offense to my past but I want the newer one to work out more than anything but still I'm scared and unsure where things stand and that's not comfortable i will find that awesome guy one day in my life right now it's all about me haha peace i feel better now

HaHa You so right Gar I really shouldn't have went out with my ex I had alot of fun though and it seriously was well worth it the fun factor alone. I hate the fact he still has feelings for me but like I said I'm not even treading in that water at all. We went out for dinner and a movie and got just wasted at a house party I finally got my money from him and he was really mature tonight it was like goin out with a Best Guy Bud he made sure I got home safe and called to tell me he had a great night. Man I am working like a dog these next 3 weeks if it wasn't for havin Weds Off now to go to my course at Mount Royal which is alot of Frickin Fun I don't think I could really handle working this much. Glad I went out this weekend!!!! Oh and B-Rad we'll find a place Dawg don't you worry, and we'll play pool at the peelers regularly maybe every Sunday Night I think that's against our religion though. I'm so happy I get to move AGAIN and I really wanna be by myself for the first time in my life but I get so lonely I hate bein an only child sometimes it sure affects me now. So with work, school and movin I stopped worrying about Boys!!!!! I see Gar rollin his eyes. Though when I am settled into my house it would be awesome if I had a certain Irish Hooligan named Aar to come tuck me in maybe even stay with me regularly we'll see right now it's all about me HAHA Cuz' I'm #1!!!!! (Your still my LUCKY STAR) Chels make sure to call me I think I work all weekend next one comin up so we will get things done soon. I think I will officially be workin full-time soon with Weds/Fri Off Weds only till Nov 10th after that i hope my weekend will be clear or Thurs/Fri. Well People Your Hott Loves Yous Miss A

Ok so first why when you wanna be single there's always members of the oppisite sex around and then when your lonely and want someone no ones around then when you least expect it and are interested in someone that's interested in you it's not just that person another one or everyone comes around so you now have 2 or more people to deal with. Ok second you persue people for years the minute you don't wanna persue they come around or call u at 3am for a lovely little booty call don't get me wrong I love the attention I have alot of healthy non sexual friendships with members of the opposite sex but it is getting a little crazy i really like one particular person in my life right now and he likes me i have been around for years and have been friends with alot of these people who all of a sudden have a HUGE interest in me lets clear somethin up where were you before when i was lonely and single true I was rarely single but there is a reason we are and still are friends I will never be your 3am girl, girlfriend or wife I may be the girl u have looked at in a different light recently but seriously it's not going no where let's not cross that line and for all the new guys don't just dissappear when I say i'm not interested in a relationship or dating you at the moment maybe if you stick around in the future i may be single or willing then on the other hand I'm always there whether u wanna chill anytime or let me help you pick up chicks or deal with your female situations I have always been the Best Girl Friend and there's reasons for that so please don't change that I loves Yous Plus too when I'm mad at the one I love I still have all of you to run too or have help kick his ass so lets not cross that sexual boundary I am a Lady and your Friend and You would never treat your Sister with Disrespect So I'll still talk dirty to u and make u feel like your number 1 I'm just not some flavor of the week ok and don't worry i'll never tell your woman what your really up to at any given moment peace boyz Lata

I'm fallin so hard and one day when we're together i 'll tell u why you mean more then I ever thought and i pray to god I'll never lose you cause your in my thoughts more and more each day i never felt this way and without you i'd be lost i hope we're as perfect as we have become i miss u i wanna feel u u'll know when we see each other that moment will be the beginning to everything we ever imagined i stopped lookin cause the moment i found u i knew and thats why we're waiting patience will never break us i'll forever be here for u even when we're miles apart i hate u always but i love you more thank you for bein mine

Somethings are good and bad from internet dating. I joined Nexo Aug 26 2004, Searched through pics and found a guy, who looked like someone I knew in High School, so I said Hey thinking it was him. No it wasn't, but we continued to talk. Since Aug 27th- Oct 18th 2004 we talked online through msn or nexo and on the phone. We became close in so many ways, exchanged pics, talked all hours of the night, our friendship/relationship began to grow. From the beginning my initial idea, was being alone for the next 6 months, and just getting my life in order, with out getting close to anyone, until my life was sorted out. Then I would have loved, to include someone to get to know, and start a relationship. Well nope didn't happen, but I managed for almost 2 months, not seeing this guy, who was and still is perfect to me in everyway. He finally told me, Oct 18th, that when I had space in my life for him, to give him a call. Because he couldn't bare to get close to me like that, with out being able to physically see me. Well ya I caved, cause of guilt, and out we ran Oct 19th at 9:30pm to meet at Calgary Zoo for a walk. Now seriously thinking back, I should have just went with what I wanted, and only went to see him when I was ready. Because the walk was good, I barely could look at him, time was ok, but we spend to much time together, rushed everything and anything, and yeah fucked up a good thing. So I gave us 4 days, as breathing room, hoping for the best in the end, nothing more and that helped alot. When we finally talked, we realised everything had to go way slower, we're still friends, but thank goodness we met to slow shit down. Now tonight Oct 26th, I called him urgently, because I had to see him, for I am leaving for T.O. on the 30th, and in my heart had to say Good-Bye. Our lives are both going through, so many transitions. Tonight's meeting was back to me bein a little shy, and yeah, last week did not help at all, to the current situation, but we got to see each other, and now we know how to fix the problem. I'll be in T.O for about a month, he may be in B.C. soon too. We'll continue to get close, and talk on msn, we've slowly become best friends, and we care to much to let each other go. But only time will tell, and space, has become our biggest concern to heal. So if you met someone, especially after a crazy internet dating situation, take it all slow beginning to end, and don't expect anything is right. You may or may not, click right away like you do online. I'm hoping for the best, because this person means the world to me, and our friendship/relationship depends on it. But do have fun, who knows what the future holds internet or not. My situation will be continued, once I'm back, for now I go with my original intentions. But had I not met him, I would have never known. THE END

If 2 strangers decide to meet and they both leave at the same time, what are the chances they'll be getting off at the same ctrain station at the exactly same time? I may have found this out all the hard way or easy way and for that matter i seriously am so neutral at this point my thoughts and feelings are so mixed up I have never felt this way in my life but i know what i'm doing I'm being myself cause what more can i do I thought bein alone would be the best thing for me but sometimes I think theres reasons why i haven't been alone yet i can't believe i can't even look u in the face why, I don't know sometimes when your 4years old u get shy cause u like someone maybe i'm regressing to a familar territory i once knew 16 years ago maybe I just want you to like me for me or i'm scared of rejection really though I know for next time whan I see your face if that ever happens I'll look you in the eyes cause then you'll know I have confidence to see you and I may appriciate looking at your handsome face in the daylight as well as the night time i loved they way you made me laugh and u grabbed my hand that took guts not cause we expected it but because it was innocent and it meant something ya i'll forgive you for grabbing my "shoulder" and givin it a squeeze 5 mins after I finally seen your face and even for makin me feel incredibly self concious when u just had to be a typical male and grab my ass like what the hell but its you so I deep down laugh and forgive you for just trying to "feel things out" I never meant to make us cold or walk clear from the zoo thru china town all through Prince's Island Park and ending up in Kensington it was comfortable laughing with you and bein ourselves it took me a while but i did open up if i could go back the original hello should have been just that and on our interesting night would have went maybe u should have got in the bum cart I might have relaxed a lil don't understand the tension I put up but with all my walls down I caught myself of guard and just hoped to hell you geniunely liked me for me it was not natural and carefree but it was a side of me only you have ever seen scary really sorry hun i still don't understand it myself to go back would be crazy but i just wish i let those walls back down and let you see me for me you made me feel like a lady when you weren't doin manly things and just sayin the stuff you said and the actions you portrayed thats what made me wanna spend more time with you u finally got to see where i use to work and yeah we looked at what movies might be of interest to us or just ourselves one day glad u got warm that was a huge walk but it was something i always wanted to do though on a summer night instead of a winter one glad i really got to share it with you and i mean that i know it was late when we got all spontanious and ran out the door like crazy people hearts racing anticipation and a massive whirlwind of emotions had yet to catch up with us so when we waited reading some gay horoscopes and waiting for the train I always wanted you to come home with me i just was confused of all the events and the fact i could barely look at u in the face something i will and have officially got over take it as a compliment sorry it seemed rude so we sat beside each other talkin about random things comfortable at ease just chillaxin till we got closer to my place maybe we should have called a cab but yet again we walk cause thats what we do and yeah i showed you my life for a moment well a slice of it nothing bug and almost brought mister bunny home too glad u found your way in the morning sometimes its confusing but really it turned out ok u made it home at least sorry i had no food and nothing really to drink i wasn't expecting company and u finally got to see my crappy lil room i hope my bed was comfy and you truly felt comfortable cause i want you to be happy no matter what and really it wasn't that bad well most of it told u clothes would hit the floor maybe all for good reason really don't dwell things happen for a reason and it never went against our wills things may have been a lil awkward maybe not overly u made me feel safe and comfortable rather quick and theres things that put a smile on both our faces may have not been the proper things to do considering the fact of barely knowing someone and knowing them more then normal but they happened maybe next time if it ever happens it will be more comfortable and natural at least we found out and got a feel for things I highly believe things happen for a reason but i'm never going to look at this as a bad thing or what to look forward to at all i truly believe there's more to it and there wil be a day with better things to come that might not let us leave each others minds for life oh well don't worry about your dad and work at least you know they care and the whole 14 hrs was as spontanious as it came and thank goodness for my mom cause yeah i suck with no phone wish you got to meet her hope u enjoyed your sleep i liked bein in your arms though i wasn't really tired trust me if theres another time your arms are the first place i'd love to pass out if not don't feel guilty i'm bein honest nothing is ever expected to come from this just letting you know I'd be willing to really try again an innocent thing died with us sometime between 9:30am and 11:30am but really after havin sometime to think yes everything happens for a reason we got a taste of things not properly but still it's you I did it for both u and I not exactly as i wanted or may want in the future but it was for u cause i cared alot and wanted to give u something i seriously well only wanted for u and i to share now well things may change they might not oh well it happened and now we take it day by day just dont regret it so much it really wasn't perfect but it was u and me....Reality Hit and it hit hard i have no idea where it came from or what the hell happened and I seriously think u have no idea either yea alot to take in with so little time seperating point a to point b but calmly think relax it wasn't that bad really i know now it really wasn't things happen for a reason and now its done maybe next time lessons are learned and yeah what the hell is the rush really mind u don't feel weird get confused or freaked out we are ok and now its day by day i accept it either way i just hope one day there will be more cause I seriously would like to walk down that road with you again if not i'm really ok just bein straight up you know your life and mine are a lil hectic but it ain't nothing we can't conquer or handle either seperate or together there is a rainbow to everything usually and if not well u know as well as i we just gotta keep goin friends or more or nothing at all we'll see this is important and i don't regret a second really in my heart naw not at all now we know for next time take that how ever u want i seriously feel in my heart things will be good and this isn't the end ut if it is I am bein fair and hey at least your heard my side i hope your not an asshole but if you tun your back don't toy just walk away much easier on me thank u if its more and our friendship is gold we'll laugh about this one day and if still this means what we have deep down really wanted things will be good we'll work on things u mean alot and always will and I'd share many more awesome spontanius awkward moments with you your just one of those people no pressure again or guilt i just feel u should really know i had time to think our moment is filed away i won't look back i'll only look forward and still thank God for allowing me to at least meet you u came into my life at a crazy time but u are important and as much as your all indecisive and crazy now i'm letting you know there's always a reason and if u do leave i wish you nothing more then the best if with each day and a much slower honest natural progression this grows my heart will be completely in it friends or more I've always been honest with you and i will continue remember i still have meant every word i have ever said to you and really with out those 14 hrs the tension and headache this had begin to cause wouldn't have been broken and things would have finally gotten alot more clearer just dont lie be honest straight up and open with me about verything theres no more secrets anymore and i'm lookin at that positive if its a negative u really are an ass but i look at you and i feel in my heart your better then that but if not be honest its the least u could do just letting you know either way ok? ok!!! your still more then just a buddy to me and my heart has a space that is totally reserved for you now lets just take baby steps one day at a time and do what we originally planned on doing back to normal mista i feel better u now know i am finally ready to fit u in for real lets just flow one moment at a time relax i truly do hate you baby for real just letting u know now enuff back to normal everything and as confused as u get take this as it is my heart bein honest and true this is the real amanda ok? ok!!!! tension finally breaks and I finally will look into your handsome face and let nature take its course just be straight and real and dont hide nothing. I can take the worst or the best for now what's done is done. (our ctrains will stop at the same time again you know.) till next time we met again goodnight sweet dreams I love you my dearest best friend.