Zombie Cop
“Your Rights are
Hereby Waved”
Where to start with this movie. Well, let’s start with the title,
Zombie Cop. If there are two nouns that I never expected to be paired in
this manner, Zombie and Cop are very high on the list. So, naturally I
was required to rent and see just what the fuck this movie was gonna
bring. Lemme tell you, it brings da mutha-fuckin ruckus. It brings da fuckin
ruckus harder than my cock in the porno section.
Here's a little more on the technical aspects and credits of this
movie, before a mind-numbing synopsis. This is a masterpiece from our
friends down at Tempe Video, and is in fact the reason why Tempe Video has
become so dear to our heart. The movie was filmed, or should I say
taped, in Mogador Ohio. The sets are essentially friends of the
filmmakers’ apartments and houses. Mise en scene? A “Misery” poster.
Let’s get started on the plot. Well, let me back up a bit and start
with the previews, because the fun begins there. The first is for a
titty-riffic slasher film, with none other than the tremendous Linnea
Quigley starring. {Lookhot, I don’t remember the name of this movie, help}
looks to be pretty neato. The next preview is for an incredible flick,
that I cannot find anywhere, Robot Ninja. This movie is about a comic
creator that actually becomes his character, Robot Ninja. In this 6 or
8 minute preview, they equate Robot Ninja and Batman 5 times.
“Everybody’s picking Robot Ninja as the next Batman!” This next bit is
very
important, so listen up noshers. I will pay $10 plus shipping to anyone
who can get me a working copy of Robot Ninja. I don’t give a fuck if
it’s a shitty dub, this movie is that important. As a second prize, I
will mail a personal check for $5 cash money for anyone who can give me
the name, location, and phone number of any video store which has this
movie. (Don’t laugh fuckers, it’s 5 bucks you’ll save on beer and
porno.) That being said, the previews alone made this movie worth the
dollar it cost to rent. But, enough teasing, sally forth into the plot.
Opening scene, close-ups of a face, painted. It is black man with
white marks on his cheeks and chin. He is laughing incessantly.
Apparently, something is really fuckin funny. Like funnier than seeing a
guy
in a clown suit getting a blowjob from a midget, cause that’s how much
this guy laughs. He is preparing something in a bowl, possibly voodoo
related, but it looks like powder and some fake ass blood. (Every time he
grabs something or puts something in the bowl, he laughs.) Then he
lights it on fire. (still laughing) Cut.
There is a domestic disturbance call at 3 am, police detectives
respond. They find that it is the wanted serial killer, Dr. Death, who
along
with the dumbass name, is a voodoo priest. (sort of) He tricks the
deceives to come up into his lair (i.e. somebody’s mother’s townhouse)
and then Dr Death (the same voodoo lookin guy from before) throws the
bowl of paste into “police detective man Gill’s” face, informing him in a
ridiculous accent that he is cursed to walk the earth forever. Dr
Death is shot, the detective is shot, and they both die. Oh yeah, Dr.
Death is such a badass voodoo guy that he has a poster of Misery up in his
room. Whoa, intimidating.
Cut to a non-existent funeral. No, really, there is a shot of a
cemetery, and it pans over to the surviving detective sitting in his car,
with a voice over of a eulogy. Blah Blah Blah, later on police detective
man Gill rises from the grave as a zombie, met by the supposedly dead
Dr. Death. Death informs him of his curse to walk the earth as the
living dead, and so forth.
Gill goes to his partner’s house, partner is surprised. Now comes one
of the best lines in the movie. Gill wants to get Dr. Death, but his
partner says, and I quote: “You can’t go out looking like that.” Gill
is dressed in a modest brown suit, it’s a little dirty, and his face is
paled with blackened eyes. “I’ve got an old cop uniform here, and if
we get something to cover your face and hands,” (here’s the important
part, kids) “you might just look like Joe Average.” The next time we see
Gill, he’s dressed in an old cop uniform, with his face bandaged up
like fuckin Darkman and brown gardening gloves on his hands. What the
fuck kind of Joe Average looks like that? Yeah, that’s just a mummy
lookin’ cop struttin around with a big ass sawed off shotgun, see that
everyday. How many people do you know that dress like that? God, I
can’t
count how many DON’T! Who the fuck is this gonna fool, blind organ
grinders and junkies? Whatever.
In this scene, however, we are introduced to the two best characters in
the movie: Buddy Van Der Car and Skully. These two “toughs” are
robbing a convenient store. These couple of dumb ass, bumbling cunt-cakes
couldn’t rob a cripple if they had a 12 gage and the wheel chair was
broken.
I don’t wanna go too much more into the plot, just be aware that
continuity, both plot-wise and visually is at a premium here. They use it
sparingly. Just so you’re warned, the last oh, 15 or 20 minutes of this
movie are a chase scene, a rather slow chase scene, but a chase scene
nonetheless.
This movie is better than watching a frat boy getting his short and
curlies removed with tweezers. Okay, maybe not THAT good, but right up
there. There is no production value, no money, horrible actors, a
ridiculous plot, and it’s filmed with a video camera. The only thing this
movie doesn’t have is some hot naked girl action. Other than that, if
you can find this one, get it. This movie has spread among our friends
like gonorrhea in a whorehouse. It was so good that I had to tape it
off.
“Hey, cut it out little girl!”
-- Buddy Van Der
Car
-E-Train