(yeah...it's that fucking
awesome!!!)
Premutos: Lord of the Living Dead
(yeah...it's that fucking
awesome!!!)
here she is, miss america
Premutos: Lord of the Living Dead
Right then noshers, I know it’s about fughin time I did this, so here
goes, your anticipation is over:
This is, as previously indicated by our wonderful major, the Zombie
Nosh movie pick of the year. And lemme tell you, it’s a humdinger!
Lets
start off with a checklist, shall we?
German moviemakers? Check
Horrible over dubbing? Check
Ridiculous and completely unintelligible plot? Check
Zombies? Check and how!
Head explosions? Check, 11 of em!
Gore? Check (ever seen Dead Alive?)
Trauma to genitals? Check
The phrase “Suck my dick bitch!” Check
Cover that has nothing to do with the movie? Check
Sally forth into synopsis, and I don’t know how well this is gonna go.
(see above) Premutos: Lord of the Living Dead is the first fallen
angel or something. He seeks to take over the world with an army of the
undead. Then there’s this guy who apparently has lived several lives
that revolve around Premutos: Lord of the Living Dead. There’s a
flashback whenever he hurts himself, then there’s something about Jesus that I
don’t understand. That’s about as much as I can decipher from this
movie. Meurartos: Queen of the Damned makes about as much sense as a
David Lynch movie. But, the fun of this film lies not in the plot, oh no.
It lies in the journey. (and not Journey the band) Here goes:
First of all I must explain the audio of Stigmatos: Guns of the
Naverone. The movie sounds as if it was Mrs. Kennedy’s 11 grade German
project. “Now Johnny, Suzie, Nick and Dave, your final will be to
translate
Bermutos: Lord of the Dance.” This movie literally sounds as if the
dialogue and Foley (for those of you who don’t know, Foley is the sound
effects, glass breaking, footsteps, that sort of thing. These are
recorded after filming) were both done in one long take by three guys and
one girl. All of it. Every character, every voice, every little
rattle
of silver wear, every rustle of fabric, everything, done by four
people. All in one very long take. They didn’t stop and start after
every
scene, they just kept on going. (it also seems as if the female in this
mix is Cameron Diaz, but whatever.
Now, the effects in the movie itself aren’t that bad, especially the
editing. In the scenes where there are heads exploding, the switch from
actor to prop is seamless. The gore is high quality and high volume.
Exmutos: the Lord of the Rings delivers zombie nosh on a level only met
by movies such as Dead Alive and Wild Zero. Lemme explain the most
important scene in the movie:
A little less than halfway through the movie, lookhot and I are
getting a bit mad, the plot makes no sense, and nothing cool has happened at
all. But, being who we are, we kept on keepin’ on, and were rewarded
for our effort in this one scene. The main character has suffered
repeated genital trauma via soccer cleats and is recovering in the privacy
of his room. (lounging, of course, in his underwear) His father
comes
in with a book that he dug up in the back yard. The book has something
to do with the plot, I think it was the history of Johnstamos:
Undisputed King of Beers. Anyway, the box that contained the book also had
a
small jar of what appeared to be mustard. While reading, the character
accidentally dumps this mustard-like substance on his crotch, causing
him intense pain. So he jumps up and holds his crotch, screaming. But
wait, the soundtrack has no screaming, complete silence, save for his
footfalls. This guy is yelling at the top of his lungs and jumping up and
down, and all that we hear is the pitter-patter of his feet. Lookhot
started laughing and got up to rewind the scene, but before he could get
to the remote, the character’s dad throws the mustard out the window,
where it rolls up to a homeless man. He, naturally, drinks it. As he is
spitting it out, his fucking head explodes! For no reason at all, head
blows the fuck up. Beer came out of my nose, and I fell out of my
chair, my stomach seized by intense spasms of laughter. We played the
scene four or five times, dumbfounded.
The movie just gets better and better and better. One last thing: at
the end, metal music plays and a body count runs up the total killed in
this movie, ending at 136!
The movie may be over at this point, leaving you wondering “is there
more?” The answer is a resounding “yes!” After watching the movie,
you
can watch interviews with all the actors and the director in the making
of Lardassos: King of the Jungle. The sound in this segment is even
worse than the movie. The actors talk and talk in German for a while,
giving a few paragraphs of information. The translation: ONE SENTENCE!
What the fuck? We had no idea what the fuck they were talking about
cause their dialog was simplified to one sodding sentence. Dumb.
Anyway, rent this, buy this, suck cock for the money to do so, I don’t
care how you do it, see this fucking movie. Actually right now. Do
it
right now. Leave work or home or wherever you are right now and go get
this movie. Right now, stop reading. Are you still reading this?
Knock it off! Go get this movie! Go! Faster! Stop fucking around! Now!
E-Tramm