Motel Hell
Reviewed (10/31/02)
The following is an Email I recieved from Adam Fischer. He is a good friend of yours truly and E-trains. He stumbled across this turd-clutter of a movie at some video store in Manhattan. Not that you can't find this anywhere. There is probably a copy of this waste of blank video tape at every video store in the world. The thing is, nobody fucking rents the goddamn thing. Well with the exception of people like us and Adam. If someone else besides us rent this it is probably by accident. They maybe rented it because the people on the cover looked like a couple of nice folks. I mean look at it. Something about that guy's shit-eatin' grin seems very inviting....even sexy.
Oh yeah I might as well tell you something personal about Adam Fischer so you know what kind of guy were dealing with here. The first tale I will tell is one of injury and defeat. Adam always wanted to be able to do the Kid and Play dance when we were juniors in College. Every time we got drunk he would try it. And every time he would try it he would damn near fucking kill himself. Once we decided to have an eighth grade end of the year dance type party in our front yard at about 2am one summer night. I think the song Ditty by Paperboy was on when Adam decided it was a good idea to take a running start and attempt the Kid and Play dance (this is when one grabs one foot and jumps over it with the other one). This didn't really work out too well. He totally came crashing to the ground dislocating his shoulder and had to wear his arm in a sling for about a month or so. While his arm was in the sling one night he tried the same dance again while being very inebriated. This time he fell and bashed his head on our coffee table. It was an amazing sight. Adam never did get the dance right. I imagine that some night in some high class night club in Manhattan he will again attempt the dance and this time knock all of his teeth out or something. Hopefully he will just try an easier dance like Da' Butt by 80's dance club darlings E.U. next time.
Anyways here is Adam Fischer's review of Motel Hell. Love Major Lookhot
Hey dude what's shaken.
Went to Alantic City over the weekend and played a little Black Jalm it
was pretty nice. anyway I watched a really terrible horror flick over the
weekend called Motel Hell. It was bad, but had great oneliners and an
incredible shocking ending that will leave audiences enchanted if that
have managed to not kill themselves already. below is my brief review of
the fick which you can feel free to stroke that infamous hog of yours to or
whatever it is you do with your porn and your music.
The beginning of the movie suprisingly is not that bad it has a score
over the credits and the film even looks ok (at best) But that all soon
changes my friend, for one thing I learned quick was that Motel Hell was going
to a dark and lonely place where the only word spoken is WHAT!! and the only
action taken is a swift press on the rewind button. Right off the bat
there is a dirty chick who is seemingly rescued from a motorcycle "accident"
I'm thinking great!! Shes gonna need a shower and she is to hurt to wash
her self, yes!!! Things are seemingly looking up, but I only found out
later that the dirt she is covered in was only symbolism for the fact that
this actress sucks balls! The next scene really spinns you for a loop and
leaves you penny-less and drunk (metaphysicaly speaking) There are some
customers there with their two twin daughters, I thinking great when do these
two
ripe young women get their fuck on, but to my dissapointment when they sneak
off to the barn, which again has me undoing my belt in anticipation for
what is about to come they are scared away by a guy wearing a real pigs head
(What!!) Are you kidding me, I don't care how fucken crazy you are,
putting a severed pigs head on your head first of all must smell like a lactos
intolerent guys bedroom after a double cheese pizza and not to mention
salminella. I just kept thinking your dead already pal. Here is
question #1 how do you calm down two scared twin girls? Scare them more,
duh.
(WHAT?!) I now crack beer number 3 from my tall boy pack.
The next scene didn't make much sense to me which could have been a lot
of things maybe it was that a cop comes into the farm house and is
attacked by the crazy bitch but then is let go and there all just friends, or
maybe
I didn't get it because I was beginning to focus more on the beer in my
hand than the movie, or maybe it was D-Time laying face first on my hardwood
floor snoring so fuckin' loud that I couldn't begin to concentrate on
anything else excepting kicking his narcoleptic ass. You decide.
Now
the movie really gets great!! and I started to get drunk. Next you
have a
van rolling down the road carting a pot smoking band, say is that Ivan and
the Terribles??? Man I love them!! There great!!! (two thumbs down with a
fart sound) Ivan and the terribles are just that Terrible, but at least
they smoke weed so all is not lost. Well at least I though it was not lost
untill the movie made a feeble attempt at a joke. with this line by
Ivan ..."Man this red is pretty heavy, we need a place to crash." This line
is immediatly follow by the van hitting a trap in the road and crashing
into the trees. (silly) The rest of the movie is filled with
vocal cord
neck farts, girls getting punched by guys and even a couple of sex freaks
who get theirs, Not to mention an ugly old man who turns down sex with our
very own dirty chick from the beginning because they are not married. What
a
Dick. There are a few tit shots so don't go nodding off just yet.
Finally
the end, the end is great!!! I won't go ruining it for you but just be
ready to laugh and to watch a chainsaw on chainsaw fight with a bloody ending
not to mention a last second meat hook (you will know it when you see
it) so enjoy I hope this movie melts your heart like it did mine.
Talk to ya later
Adrock