The Majorettes
Review 8/5/2002
 

We rented this fuck pile of garbage on the basis that it was written by
John Russo, who co-wrote everybody’s favorite zombie flesh eating
masterpiece, Night of the Living Dead.  Upon further inspection, it was also
revealed that Russo wrote the 30th anniversary addition.  If any of you
unlucky bastard-cunts has had the misfortune of viewing this absolute
crap-fest, where the old movie (great) is spliced with new scenes
(awful, ridiculous and obviously new) then you understand my dismay.  It was
also revealed that the director, William Hinzman, is a bad horror movie
acting vet, (he’s that first zombie in Night of the Living Dead) has a
large cinematography resume, but only two directing credits, this and
Flesheaters, but more on that movie and him later.  We figured,
co-writer, Night of the Living Dead, the senseless slaughter of unsuspecting
teens, the 80’s  bitchin’ skeleton majorette on the cover, and ridiculous
tagline (sis boom blood, you’re dead) what could be bad?  Apparently,
EVERYTHING.

This movie is not just one unwatchable movie, but in fact, it is a
cleverly disguised shit storm of three unwatchable movies.  The plot is all
over the place.  We got a slasher hackin’ up 30-year-old “high school”
majorettes, all involving something with water.  Master detective
fuckbake figures that the killer must want to cleanse them or something, it
wasn’t really all that clear. Movie one: religiously obsessed slasher
film. (By this time, everyone besides me had given up and went out onto
the porch to watch the bar crowd’s antics, but I refuse to be beaten so
easily.)  Later we find out the killer is being blackmailed or
something by one of the majorette’s grandmother’s live in nurse, to kill said
majorette after she turns eighteen so that the nurse can get the huge
inheritance after she kills the grandmother.  Movie two: inheritance
scam.  Breathe, avoid puking. Begin movie 3.  There is also a gang of drug
dealing punks that get involved with a plot that’s as confusing as an
ugly girl with a hot rack. (Want to touch nice tits, but attached to
ugly broad, can’t figure out what’s going on…) They kidnap the majorette
that was supposed to be kidnapped by the killer.  A merry mix-up ensues,
involving the sadistic nurse’s retarded son. A bunch of people die,
including the majorette.  The revenge crazed boyfriend of said majorette
goes on a rampage and kills all the drug dealing punks. But,
unfortunately he does not come out of the television and bestow merciful death on
me after having my brain deep-fried and served in a sampler basket with
jalepeno poppers and cheese sticks by this ungodly form of film
torture.  It took 10 additional Natty lights to wash the putrid taste of
pudding that had been festering in the crisper of that old, broken fridge in
the basement from May 1995 to August 2002 that is this movie out of my
mouth.  I wish I had just pushed stop.

-tv’s E-Train

Take me back to the film list!!!     Take me home!!!