Jason X
“What’s
happening here?” “Jason fuckin Vorhees, that’s what!”
Jason X. Whooo baby! What a tremendous horror movie. This
movie has
everything that anyone could possibly want with a bad movie. One
phrase: Cyborg Jason in space. How can that premise yield any thing that
isn’t amazing? This movie has it all, horrible one liners, so bad that
even the characters know that they’re bad, a plethora of kills, all in
some obnoxiously impossible way. It’s got robot ass kickin,’ a good
helping of scantily clad young women, it’s in the future, and in space.
Bit of a plot synopsis: Confusing credit montage, cut to dark, sterile
building, “Crystal Lake Research Facility” comes up on the screen. We
learn through a voice over that the government is keeping Jason for
research because he has “an uncanny ability to regenerate.” (Forget Jason
Goes to Hell, it is never explained and it’ll just make your head
hurt.) They’ve convicted him of murder and tried to execute him several
times, firing squad, hanging, gassing, and nothing seemed to work.
Apparently they never tried fire or dismemberment. Anyway they’re about to
freeze him and shove him in storage since he can’t be killed. Well,
some anonymously evil G-man can’t have such a specimen just filed away,
dammit! A creature with the ability to regenerate tissue could be an
invaluable resource for the military. Any whosle, they don’t wanna
freeze him, and they go to check on him, I guess they’re moving him or
something, and he escapes, some killing ensues, and Jason and some
researcher get frozen in gleeful cryogenic shenanigans. Fast forward 500
years
or so. We learn that the earth is uninhabitable, and there is an earth
2. Periodically, archaeological teams venture to said uninhabitable
earth, and gather artifacts. A research team finds the two of them,
and
of course, in the interests of science, takes them to their ship (bound
for earth 2) and unfreezes them. Let me tell you what, I hope to god
that I get frozen and wake-up in the future, cause the future’s lookin’
hot! All of these college age research broads are dressed in these
little tiny outfits, showcasing cleavage, midriffs, and all kinds of skin.
Yes, these research experts conduct autopsies in little tiny belly
shirts, practical in all scientific situations. There is no application
where a miniscule tank top is not practical. (You inferior, “present
day” girls would do well to remember that, the future doesn’t lie!)
Anyway, Jason wakes up and a massacre of the ship and its crew ensues. There are
many, many quality kills in this movie, my favorite of which is Jason
freezing a girl’s head in liquid nitrogen then smashing it to bits on the
counter top. If I hadn’t seen this in the theater, I would’ve rewound
that scene again and again and again. More kills, cheesy lines and
skin then you can shake a stick at, and we still haven’t got to Cyborg
Jason! Jason gets the holy shit kicked out of him by a bitchin’ chick
android. He falls onto this medical nano-machine repair table (it is
explained a little better in the movie) and his broken body is repaired.
Not with just tissue mind you, but metal, glorious metal, and from the
ashes rises “Uber Jason!” (That’s how he is credited, no shit)
I won’t spoil the best scene in the movie, but trust me, even if you
are hating this movie, stick with it. Right near the end comes possibly
the best scene in a cheese ball horror flick. You know what, fuck it,
the best scene ever. Get this movie, and you and your crew will not be
disappointed.
-E-Train