While looking through old schoolwork I found this letter I wrote. I thought you
might be interested.
Dan Watson
3rd Grade
Ms. Jacimovic
Aug 14,
1990
Dear
Mrs Ward,
As
Principal of Pine Elementary, you might be interested to learn what kind of
“education” certain teachers in this school are conducting. Specifically, what
my third grade class was forced to do last week. No doubt you are familiar with
Jake Steinfeld (of “Body by Jake” fame), and his explosive entrance into the
field of acting with the 1981 hit “Home Sweet Home”. Well, my teacher, Ms
Jacimovic, made us watch this movie last week, and then write letters to Jake
himself, thanking him for starring in this masterpiece. Now, on the surface,
this sounds like a highly educational and constructive undertaking for our
class. However, I am writing you to tell you the truth, a horrible truth which I
myself have uncovered. THIS IS NOT A GOOD MOVIE!!!
Shocked? You should be. I know that a key part of the modern American psyche is
the unalienable truth that “Home Sweet Home” is a tour-de-force of post-silent
filmmaking, verily the film by which movies have been judged for the past 20
years. Yet it is still NOT A GOOD MOVIE!!! We have been brainwashed by Body by
Jake!! His charming grin and chiseled physique, when combined, resonate at a
specific frequency which leaves the viewer open to suggestion. I have been
unaffected, because I am the only person in the nation who has never seen one of
his award winning fitness tapes. A thin premise for a conspiracy? Sure. But try
to concentrate and listen, unbiased, to the film’s premise, and I think you will
find it to be equally thin.
Body by Jake begins the movie by car-jacking the car from National Lampoon’s
Vacation. He then shoots up on “drugs” (through his tongue, no less!! Yee-ouch!)
and runs down an old woman, all the while laughing his horribly dubbed laugh.
Then there’s a bunch of people hanging out at a cabin, possibly for thanksgiving
dinner, although I’m pretty sure the movie itself is about as unsure of this
point as I am. A sleazy be-mustached man is there with his son, a mime who
irritates everyone by playing hot-licks on his guitar with a portable
amp-backpack-thing. Also there is the man’s large-chested
fiancé-lover-wife-whatever. They talk about their need to ‘get it on’ to
disturbing lengths in front of their 5 year old daughter (who was most likely
traumatized by the whole filmmaking process and I now working at a 7-11 after
years of rehab for the massive amounts of heroin required to repress such
memories). There’s also a very uninteresting generic couple, an impressively
annoying impersonator of “if late latin pop sensation Selena was a Chi-Chi’s
employee”, and a man who is ambiguously there “on business”. He makes this very
clear a number of times.
Well, lo and behold Body by Jake comes sneaking around the house, and of course
he has to go on a killing spree. Actually, he watches things from the bushes a
lot more than anything. He watches his gas be siphoned by the ‘stache, who would
have gotten away without any confrontation had his car started properly (the
first of at least three deaths due to cars not starting). He then starts dis-assembling
Jake’s engine, at which point Jake finally acts, and in an amazing moment
squashes the ‘stache by diving onto the hood of the car, while screaming his
only un-dubbed line in the film, “GRRRRAAAHHHH!!!”. He then kills some other
people, and finally kidnaps the latin chick and the mime (who, became the only
likelable character in the film, by being the only one who cares about his
little sister…note to filmmakers: if you ever find a mime being the most
identifiable character in your movie, you have a serious problem). They were
about to get it on, by the way. He kills both of them in very vague and
poorly-lit fashion. Jake then besieges the house, as the bland couple and little
girl are inside, the only survivors. Jake attacks, and gets stabbed through the
spine by the woman, who actually handled the situation quite competently. The
man and woman flee, until they realize that they left the girl inside the house.
The man goes back in, and gets killed by Jake. The woman flees upstairs to hide,
and takes a nap without locking any doors. Jake pursues her, and suddenly it is
the next morning and she wakes up and goes back downstairs (I know this sounds
odd, but that is exactly how it happens). Jake grabs her, and tosses her around
on the driveway until the cops show up, and shoot Jake thrice (twice with a
shotgun). The police found a body on the road miles away, and very logically
decided that “there must be bodies strewn everywhere” at the cabin. They pack up
to leave, and…big surprise ending…Jake’s eyes open! Roll credits!
Now about the end…ok, Jake is still alive. Is he really going to be able to kill
anyone else, or even stand back up? The man has taken repeated shotgun blasts,
and had a knife through his spine. I’m really not all that concerned. And the
police are still right there! Even if Jake managed to tuck his liver and
intestines back in, perform rudimentary spinal repairs, and get back up for more
killing, they’re just going to shoot him again! Oh well. So much for HSH II:
Jake’s Revenge.
So, I hope
that I have made it clear that “Home Sweet Home” is not the intensely
educational film that we are led to believe. Body by Jake is just trying to
achieve some unthinkable goal through brainwashing us all. I think my education
would be better spent with additional recess time, or maybe even an extra-long
session of dodge ball in gym. I hope you will consider all my points.
Sincerely,
Dan
Watson
Shortly
after writing this, I was taken to a room behind the janitors closet by men in
black suits. I awoke in my room the next day with a Body by Jake video next to
me, the lingering taste of sport-shake in my mouth, and a strange urge to ‘bulk
up’
Take me Home!!!