Bloody New Year

E-Train and I picked this one up due to it’s great cover art.  The art on the box (as you can see above) consists of a skeleton like one you would find in a high school science classroom with glass eyes stuck in the sockets and a party hat on it’s head.  E-trigonometry and I thought this was completely brilliant and quickly rented it. 

            It is in the opinion of this writer that Bloody New Year has the potential of being the feel-good movie of 1987 if only I could figure out what the fuck is going on in it.

To explain… The movie starts off with a snazzy song by some band called the Flying Cadillacs that had the E and myself snapping our fingers and tapping our feet as we guzzled down our Natural Light.   During this upbeat number we see images from what looks to be a very mediocre new years eve party from 1959 to 1960.  The credits then end and BAM-BIP-POW!!!! We are then launched into a string of un-comprehendible scenes.  These scenes are pretty much beyond my intellect so I will just throw them at you as they come back to me. 

-Young British teenagers played by 30 year olds swimming

-One British teen/30 year old is the child of Bono and Morrissey

-Teens are at Carnival

-Kooky fun house lit by flash light.  Unable to see what is going on!

-Teens are being chased by ugly carnies (as if most carnies are pretty or something) because they stole a fuse out of one of the rides. 

-Huge chase scene… carnies hanging on a boat attached to the teens/30 year olds’ car. The carnies are thrown off and foiled. 

-All of a sudden 30 year old teens are on a sail boat.

-Sail boat has troubles and the teens bail out even though the boat is not sinking at all. 

-Teens swim to a deserted island.  Five seconds later the teens are all dry. 

-Teens find abandoned hotel…oh, oh it is the hotel where the party was during the credits!! Yay plot secret revealed!

Ummm where was I….  Oh yeah the island is like haunted or something. 

-Ghost lady gets 30 year old a blanket

-Ghosts of Buster Poindexter and Joe Strummer sing a song that sounds like it was written by Big Country. 

-Some British girl says to her boyfriend “I wonder what it’s like doing it on a snooker table.”

-A ghost lady watches two of the 30 year old teens make-out while crying (man, we have all been there before...I mean we have all watched people make-out while crying). 

-A man dressed as a sheik comes out of a movie screen and scratches (yes! Scratches!) some guy to death!

-There are evil fishing nets that fly around and attack!

- A monster made out of a table clothe attacks some of the 30 year olds. 

- Trees outside laugh and make music using synth drums.

- Holy shit!  The fucking carnies are back.  (One carnie looks like Don B.  the other like Gary Neuman).

-Yes the Carnies some how locate them on this island just to get the goddamn fuse back. 

-Don B. carnie gets killed. 

-One carnie does a ninja flip through a window and the other one jumps through a bar mirror.  They are soon killed. 

 At this point my roommate Phil for some reason stated “I think Tron is an excellent movie!”  I don’t know what brought that out of him at that moment, but oh well.  Ok back to this disjointed fucking film. 

 -There is a ghost with an outreached hand…. One of the 30 year old teenagers hits him with a stick and he explodes!!! He just explodes!!!  I had to rewind this scene like seven times to figure out what the hell had just happened.  I stood there in disbelief until Phil physically removed me from in front of the television. 

Umm ok I think I have made my point.   As mentioned before, this movie has serious potential.  It could be a feel good movie for all to enjoy.  But it just makes no fucking sense at all!!

 Here is the deal my dear readers.  If any of you can #1 find this movie and #2 write to me and explain what the fuck is going on I will send you a personal check for 50 bucks!   Now I am serious.  This is not a joke. I am not trying to be witty here.  I need help with this.  I am losing sleep.  I can’t take it.  Someone on this planet has to explain Bloody New Year to me.  I will give you money!! Seriously…50 bucks!!

 -Major Lookhot

Take me back to the film list!!!         Take me home!!!