I’m gonna kill Mario Lopez. Hunt him down and murder him and his entire family. I have just experienced another Lopez vehicle, A Crack in the Floor. More like the Crack in my ASS! This movie has some of the worst one-liners ever. Example: "At least when he 69's a chick he won’t get his nose stuck in her pooper." "He said she smokes his beef-joint." This movie smokes my fuckin beef joint. As we were watching it, Looky decided that he needed more bacon with his morning coffee. "Maybe my heart will explode and I won’t have to finish this movie." At this point I wondered if we had any guns in the house. -E-Train

This movie consists of like five different movies.

1. First we have a young child witnessing his mother getting raped and murdered. The child’s facial _expression is one of mild confusion. It is as if he is just watching an episode of Jeopardy. The child then lives underneath some floor boards of this abandoned shack for the next 33 years. Cut to present.

2. A young couple goes into this shack to copulate. We then cut to a crane shot of the shack (a view of the shack from about 300 feet above it. We hear screaming. This is the most ambiguous murder scene in a movie ever. I mean did the girl see a spider in the shack.... or is she actually being killed. We the audience never actually find out.

3. Ok now movie three. Some dipshit sheriff is driving around for like five hours looking for something. We the audience never find out what the fuck he is looking for.

4. There is this gas station where Gary Busey hangs out and kills chickens and other animals. The teens run into Gary and he tells one of the girls to use one of his chicken wings as a suppository to help keep her from vomiting. (Yeah we really cannot make this stuff up folks).

 Ok then the teens are out in the woods. They sit around and tell stories for about five days and people keep almost dying. Mario Lopez is in a wife beater and saying witty lines for awhile. This should be in the recipe for all good horror films. AC Slater in a wife beater....that is really fucking scary. All we need now is Zack Morris with his huge fucking cell phone. Ohhh I just came up with a good sequel for this fucking atrocity. Zack Morris and AC Slater are in the woods with Lisa Turtle. AC just keeps calling Zack "Preppy" while Zack talks to Kelly on his ridiculously monstrous cell phone. Screech has snapped and is lurking in the woods trying to kill them. I guess that Lisa has turned him down for the last time. Well anyways they all keep getting killed and shit until Mr. Belding comes with an assault rifle and goes fucking berserk killing everything in his path. Then there is the big showdown between Screech and Belding. It is a match of wits. Until finally they both end up killing each other. It can be a commentary on how man is just killing each other. Or better yet... it can just be the best episode of Saved by the Fucking Bell ever!!

-Major Lookhot