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Disclamer: I don’t own Love Hina or any of it’s characters, nor do I own excel saga, final fantasy, monty python, 8-bit theatre, invader zim, taco bell, or anything else that I may or may not mention or make references to in this fan fic from hell, I also unfortunately do not own the naru-punch but I think I may own the reverse-naru-punch, I don’t know so don’t sue me.


Writers rant: wow I was going to say something here but I completely forgot it. Oh wait…now I remember… DoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoomDoom!

That was fun. Anyhow. This is a kind of self insertion fic which is basicly an excuse to pay out my two bestest friends in America (and me and my cat and my car) while at the same time an attempt to get my mind off of evangelion. Contains yuri and lots of really bad innuendo filled jokes, but no lemons you sick horny bastards! This is also my first attempt to write something in the present tense.

Ok it may end up with lemons but if it does you sure as hell don’t want to read them (*tries to rid mind of image of cats with turtle shells*).



Chapter 1: How the hell did that connect?


News travels fast in the Hinata girl’s dorm, and when anyone gets hurt everyone worries for them (except of course if that person happens to be Keitero: the worlds first piñata capable of attempting to flee), so when a couple of anonymous individuals Keitero just happens to know come over and just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong kendo girl, well you can guess…

Anyhow, while our heroine Motoko is busy obliterating the lecherous two she loses her balance and… TWISTS HER ANKLE!!!!! That would be ok but then Su, being naïve as to what a twisted ankle is attempts to eat her leg. Now Hinata house is without any form of security or other pervert protection. The residents gather, and quickly formulate a plan of action, or rather Shinobu has an idea and everyone else decides that Keitaro should pay the costs.  Shinobu goes to the phone, opens up her wallet and extracts a business card:


Chrono and Jack

                                                -Liturgists         -bounty hunters                -assassins              

-Bodyguards                -purveyors of exotic (and erotic) collectables

                                                we do: Parties, cult events, etc.


She dials in the number.




Across the sea in Australia, in the middle of the city of Brisbane, there is a run down and crappy shop. The inside is a dark room. In the middle of this room are two thrones, containing two shadowy figures. The thrones are made from pieces of scrap metal nailed onto a normal chair frame, but are impressive nonetheless. High upon the head of each throne are initials that can just be read in the dull light: one says DT the other… DT. Purring comes from the small black kitten, which is invisible in the shadows but we know is sitting on the lap of figure on the left.  Off to the side is a girl humming to herself while she sweeps with a broom head attached to one end of a flag-staff. Between the two thrones is a small table with a Rocky and Bullwinkle (not mine) moose phone on it. It rings. Both figures grab for it and wrestle for a few seconds before the big one wins and puts the phone to his ear.

Chrono: Hello? Oh, it’s for you.

                Jack the Buscuit snatches the phone off his partner and puts it to his face.

Jack: Hello? Shinobu! How ya doing? *mutter mutter mutter* A job? *mutter mutter* Body guarding. *mutter mutter mutter mutter* (looks at chrono) Yes. Yes he is. *mutter mutter* O.K. see you soon.

                Jack puts down the phone and stands up, knocking his crappy throne over in the process; Sake (the cat) stays in exactly the same position only vertical.

Jack: We have a job. Body guarding for my friend, Shinobu’s, dorm.

Chrono: Where’s it at?

Jack: Japan.

                The girl stops sweeping and gives flag staff a sharp swing, flinging of the broom head and sending it to land with a crash in a pile of junk at the back.

Pixie: Can I come too?

Chrono: Sure.

                The kitten, Sake, jumps from her hanging position on Jacks legs and races across the room, jumps into the wall and kicks of. She then runs across the other way at top speed, climbs onto Pixie’s head and promptly falls asleep. When you’re a cat this is perfectly acceptable behavior. They all go outside and get into Jack’s crappy excuse for a small blue car. The ignition is turned and the little bomb rattles a lot, lurches forward a few feet, then explodes. The wreck is propelled into the air, over the seas and into Japan, where is lands on the front lawn of the Hinata house.