"The Side Effects"
ACT 1
SCENE A
OPENING CREDITS OVER:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
George is sitting on the sofa, Jerry is on the chair and Kramer is looking through the refrigerator.
GEORGE
Yeah! Can you believe her?
JERRY
You know you would of found some reason to break up with her.
GEORGE
(defeated)
I know.
Kramer grabs an apple, closes the refrigerator door and grabs a seat next to George.
JERRY
What are you talking about?
KRAMER
Shrinkage.
GEORGE
What do you mean you don't have to worry about it?
Every guy worries about it. It's like Superman and Kryptonite,
you get caught with it you're doomed.
KRAMER
I'm immune to it.
GEORGE
Immune? You can't be immune to shrinkage, it's impossible.
KRAMER
I'm telling you I'm immune. I'll prove it to you.
He gets up and leaves.
GEORGE
Who knows maybe he is immune. He's not exactly what you'd call normal.
Kramer returns with THE GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS. He flips it open to a page and gives it to Jerry.
JERRY
Oh my god! Kramer, why didn't you ever mention this before?
KRAMER
Frankly Jerry it's personal.
JERRY
But Kramer there's a picture of you naked in the shower!
How much more personal do you want to get?
GEORGE
What? Let me see.
JERRY
You want to see Kramer naked?
GEORGE
No! I just need to see for myself that there's actual documented
evidence to show that shrinkage can be avoided.
Jerry passes him the book.
KRAMER
No can do.
GEORGE
What!?! Why not?
KRAMER
Because it's not something I can teach you.
GEORGE
Well how come you can do it?
KRAMER
I was born with it.
JERRY/GEORGE
Born with it?
KRAMER
Yeah. It's a birth defect. You see the government wants you to
believe that birth defects are bad, but look at me I'm normal.
JERRY
Yeah, normal. This from the guy who went to a vet
because he had the same cough as a dog.
KRAMER
Laugh all you want Jerry but I'm still immune.
GEORGE
You know you're like a superhero.
JERRY
How is like a superhero?
GEORGE
He's got a super power.
JERRY
What super power? The inability to shrink?
That's not a super power.
INT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
George is perusing the aisles looking for a good movie when he spots an adult section. He heads inside and exits a few seconds later with a tape in his hands.
INT. GEORGE'S APARTMENT - LATER
George walks into his apartment and throws his jacket on the sofa. He takes the tape out of the case and puts it into the VCR. He sits down and the movie starts. We can hear moans, apparently the movie hadn't been fully rewound.
He looks down and realizes that he has an erection.
EXT. MONK'S - ESTABLISHING SHOT - MORNING
INT. MONK'S-MORNING
Jerry and George are eating at a booth in mid conversation.
GEORGE
Well I was going to get the new Woody Allen
movie but then I noticed an adult section.
JERRY
An adult section?
GEORGE
Yeah. So I looked around quickly and then I grabbed a movie.
JERRY
Did it have one of those funny titles? You know when
they take a real movie's title and make it sound dirty?
GEORGE
Yeah, so anyways...
JERRY
(interrupting)
What was it called?
GEORGE
Does it really matter?
JERRY
I'm just interested.
GEORGE
It was called "Slut Wars:The Empire's Got Back".
Can I get back to my story?
No response from Jerry.
JERRY
How do you know? The woman could of looked like a man.
GEORGE
Oh no! Believe me, I know what I saw and what I saw was two men.
JERRY
So what did you do? Did you exchange it?
GEORGE
Are you crazy!?! Do you how embarrassing it is to
exchange a movie let alone an adult one?
JERRY
So you kept it?
GEORGE
Actually I waited until they closed and then
I dropped it in their return slot.
JERRY
So problem averted.
GEORGE
Not exactly.
JERRY
What do you mean?
GEORGE
Well...
JERRY
Well?
GEORGE
You gotta put this in the vault.
JERRY
It's in the vault.
GEORGE
Well, when I noticed what it was I...I...
JERRY
You what?
GEORGE
I noticed that lift off was in effect.
JERRY
Lift off?
GEORGE
(worried)
You don't think that I could be gay, do you?
JERRY
Nah. It was probably just frightened and
tried to detach itself from your body.
GEORGE
This isn't funny Jerry!
JERRY
Relax, it's probably nothing.
GEORGE
I can't be gay. But then again maybe I am. I can
always blame it on my parents lousy upbringing.
I mean I was breast fed until I was seven.
That's gotta do some damage.
JERRY
What are you talking about? You're not gay.
GEORGE
How do you know? This is the second time that
I've been aroused by another man. Remember
that massage? I swear it moved.
JERRY
Well George if you are gay, not that there's
anything wrong with that, just remember one thing.
GEORGE
What's that?
JERRY
I'm straight and I'm not interested.
GEORGE
Oh you're funny. How do you know
you're even my type?
JERRY
Oh, what you've got a type now?
GEORGE
I could.
Jerry looks at his watch.
JERRY
Well I got to go.
GEORGE
It's 'cause I'm gay isn't it?
JERRY
Oh give it up George. You're not gay,
not that there's anything wrong with that.
Jerry gets up, pays his bill and leaves.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
Jerry is looking through the refrigerator while JOHN; a tall, skinny, dark haired man; is sitting on the sofa. Jerry takes out a bottle of Snapple and offers one to John.
JOHN
No thanks.
Jerry closes the refrigerator door and sits down on the other end of the sofa.
Just then Kramer enters with Newman.
NEWMAN
Hello, Jerry.
JERRY
Hello, Newman.
NEWMAN
(noticing John)
Hello, John.
JOHN
Hello, Newman.
JERRY
You two know each other?
JOHN
We're brothers.
JERRY/KRAMER
Brothers?
NEWMAN
Yeah, that's right.
JERRY
But how can that be? I mean look at you Newman. You're fat he's skinny, you're short he's tall, you're an annoying little rat and he's a pleasure.
NEWMAN
I despise him!
JERRY
How can you despise him?
NEWMAN
You want to know why? I'll tell you why. Do you know what he does for a living? He's a dog trainer. Yeah, that's right, a dog trainer. An enemy to all postal employees.
JERRY
Yeah, like you have friends.
NEWMAN
I have friends. I have plenty of friends. Tell him Kramer.
Kramer pauses to think about it for a second.
NEWMAN
I irritate you?
KRAMER
No, not me...everybody else.
NEWMAN
I don't have to take these insults. Come on Kramer let's go.
KRAMER
(to Newman)
I'll catch you later.
JOHN
I should be going too.
JERRY
All right. I'll see you later.
Paul and Newman leave.
KRAMER
Let me ask you something Jerry. Have you ever tried Viagra?
JERRY
No. Why?
KRAMER
I tried one last night. It was great.
JERRY
You what?
KRAMER
Yeah. You know it takes about an hour to work but it's well worth it.
JERRY
Kramer, how can you pay for sex like that?
KRAMER
What are you talking about? I didn't pay for sex. I used my hand.
JERRY
You paid for the Viagra, right?
KRAMER
(realizing)
Oh my god! I'm a...I'm a john.
JERRY
Yeah and don't get me started on the side effects.
KRAMER
(worried)
Side effects?
JERRY
You didn't think about that, did you?
KRAMER
What kind of side effects?
JERRY
Prolonged erections, painful erections, seeing everything in blue, impotence...
KRAMER
Impotence?
JERRY
Yeah. Ironic isn't it?
KRAMER
I'll say.
ACT 2
SCENE F
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - LATER
Jerry is coming out of the bathroom as Kramer, making an un-Kramer-esque entrance, walks in. He's obviously in pain.
KRAMER
I think it's the Viagra Jerry. The side effects must of been delayed because I've been in lift off mode for the last two hours and everyone looks like a Smurf.
JERRY
You better get to the hospital.
KRAMER
I've already been. They don't know what to do.
JERRY
Have you tried taking a cold shower?
KRAMER
It's worth a shot.
As he leaves Elaine and George walk in.
JERRY
What isn't?
She waves it off and heads to the refrigerator. She looks around and takes out an apple.
GEORGE
(to Jerry)
You just had to tell her, didn't you!? I thought you put it in the vault! What d'you do, leave it open!?
JERRY
George, she's asking you if you want a piece of fruit.
ELAINE
What are you talking about?
GEORGE
(said with shifty eyes)
Nothing.
ELAINE
Nothing? What's so important it had to be put in the vault?
GEORGE
(shifty eyes again)
Nothing.
JERRY
Oh, give it up George.
ELAINE
Give what up?
JERRY
He thinks he's gay.
ELAINE
He thinks he's gay? Why would he think that?
JERRY
He hit lift off while watching gay porn.
ELAINE
Lift off?
Jerry gives her you know look.
GEORGE
(embarrassed)
They gave me the wrong tape at the video store.
SCENE G
INT. KRAMER'S BATHTUB - CONTINUOUS
Kramer is taking a shower. As he washes himself he looks down and takes a double take and he falls backwards out of the tub.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
George is sitting in the chair, Elaine is in the bathroom and Jerry is standing near the kitchen table when Kramer comes rushing in wearing only his bathrobe.
KRAMER
So!?! You tell me!
He throws open his bathrobe to show Jerry that all the years of non-shrinkage have caught up with him and shrunk him to the point where you can't even see it anymore. Jerry is so shocked that he stumbles backwards, trips in his own feet and crashes into the table, knocking it and himself to the ground.
KRAMER
What am I doing!? Thanks to you I'm no longer a man.
JERRY
Thanks to me? I didn't tell you to take the Viagra.
KRAMER
The cold shower Jerry. You told me to take a cold shower.
Elaine comes out of the bathroom.
Kramer turns to her and shows her.
She looks at George.
George looks down.
Jerry and Kramer look at George.
GEORGE
(embarrassed)
I gotta go.
He gets up and leaves as fast as he can.
INT BAR - AFTERNOON
George is sitting at the bar in what is obviously a gay bar. There are no women in sight and he seems uncomfortable being there.
A guy, TONY, comes over to George, he seems very interested in him as he sizes him up.
GEORGE
(noticing him)
Oh hi.
TONY
What's your name?
GEORGE
George.
TONY
I'm Tony.
GEORGE
Nice to meet you.
TONY
The pleasure's all mine. What do you say we go back to my place and have some fun.
George looks nervous.
TONY
Yeah, fun.
GEORGE(v.o.)
Well this is it. I've got to do something. Oh my god I can't believe I'm going to do this but I've got to make sure.
TONY
George?
George gets up and grabs Tony's head then plants a kiss on him.
Everybody in the bar stops whatever they were doing as soon as George says this.
GEORGE
I mean I'm straight. I like women, no scratch that, I love women.
TONY
So you don't love men?
GEORGE
No.
TONY
(to the other men in the bar)
He's straight, let's get him!
They all start chasing George as we:
INT. MONK'S - EVENING
Jerry and Elaine are sitting at a booth near the window drinking coffee. There's dirty dishes on the table because they just finished having dinner. The waitress appears and takes away the dishes.
ELAINE
Do you know his last name?
JERRY
He never mentioned it. Why?
ELAINE
Well, Newman's never mentioned his last name.
JERRY
So you think that Newman is his last name?
ELAINE
Could be.
Jerry looks shocked as we:
ANGLE ON GEORGE
His clothes are all ripped and torn, he approaches Jerry and Elaine's booth.
George sits down next to Elaine.
ELAINE
Beat up?
GEORGE
By a groups of straight hating gay men.
JERRY
Straight hating gay men?
GEORGE
I was the victim of straight bashing.
ELAINE
Straight bashing?
JERRY
As opposed to gay bashing?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Well what happened?
GEORGE
Well I was at a gay bar...
JERRY/ELAINE
Huh?
GEORGE
I had to make sure
(beat)
So anyways this guy is hitting on me and when he suggested we go back to his place I knew that I had to do something.
(beat)
So I kissed him.
Jerry and Elaine looked shocked.
JERRY
So what happened?
GEORGE
I was so happy that it didn't move that I yelled out: "It didn't move. It didn't move. Yes, I'm not gay." and as soon as I said that everyone in the bar stopped dead in their tracks. They were like deer caught in a headlight. Then Tony, the guy who was hitting on me, asked me what I meant so I told him that I love women and not men so he all the other gay guys in the bar ran after me and beat me up.
ELAINE
Wow!
GEORGE
You know I'm lucky to be alive.
(beat)
Elaine can I ask you a favor?
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
I want to make sure that I'm one hundred percent straight and I was wondering if...
ELAINE
Forget it George. I'm not sleeping with you.
GEORGE
What, sleep? One kiss. C'mon be a pal.
ELAINE
Forget it. Why don't you go kiss your mother?
GEORGE
Kiss my mother!? Are you sick!? I want it to move, not disappear all together!