If Kobe Didn't Do it... He Should Have
//sports.curb.fluff.d-bag.052604.dooshbag
  • written by Editor-in-Chief D-Bag
NBA Commish David Stern announced his plans to expand the NBDL, so that it acts as a true minor league for the National Basketball League. Well, we here at Dooshbag.org have a better idea for the NBA minor leagues... it's called Prison.

Stern gets a hard-on over international talent but he's goes soft when he sees peeps like Darko Milicic (the Italian dude picked between King James and Melo' last year) keepin' the bench warm. Plus, with the draft dipping younger and younger, what to do teams do with these pokemon playin high schoolers on their roster? Well, Stern suggests using the National Basketball Development League as a minor league system where these young kids and unproven foreign players can get accustomed to the NBA.

But what Stern doesn't realize is that the major problem with the NBA is not under-developed talent.. it's over-developed criminal intent. Allen Iverson spends more time causing riots in a bowling alley than he does in practice. Jason Williams shot his limo driver because he couldn't help him find his fading carreer. Kobe Bryant is either guilty of infidelity or rape... or both. (Either way, he's guilty of being an arrogant prick) The 2003 Trail Blazers have more drug problems then Christopher on Sopranos. Yet Stern is worried about people sitting on the bench? 

Our solution to this PR dillema is a simple one. When a player is drafted, he should be required to spend two years in a minimum security prison in the city of the team that drafted him. At first, this may seem proposterous, but follow us here. Firstly, the player will develop his basketball skills. Everyone knows that after sodomy and shiv-making, basketball is the number one hobby among inmates. Playing "rough-house" with Hell's Angels and members of the Biz-Lat gang is bound to harden a player's physique.

Secondly, a player will learn respect for authority figures. In the NBA, players routinely question referee's decisions and use vulgar language when a call doesn't go their way. In prison, they don't give technicals. If you mouth off to a guard, you'll quickly find out why "curbing" is not an Olympic sport. Players like Rasheed Wallace and Latrell Sprewell would never have been able to cultivate their attitudes in the penal system like they have in the NBA.

Lastly, it also creates a guarenteed motivator for players who slack off later in their careers. Penny Hardaway? Sure, you may have had your fun with BlackStreet and that disturbing Chris Rock puppet - but we're going to have to send you down to the minors. "And starting at point guard for the San Quentin Sodomites, Afernee Hardaway!!" Injury prone players can also be sent to prison.. it is suppossed to be about "rehabilitation" after all, isn't it? I'm looking your way, Grant Hill.

Oh yeah, and as an added bonus, players will get better at the line! Shaq is a big guy, sure, but if he misses a free-throw in Alcatraz, he'll get a lot more than a dissapproving look from Phil Jackson. I'm thinking he'll be screaming "Shazaam!" as he learns just how many of his MVP trophies can fit up his rectum at once.

A Minor League Prison System would make the players respectful, motivated and mindful before they ever step foot on a NBA court. They'll get their rapin', smokin' and joy ridin' out long before they ever have the chance to skip practice. We hope NBA Commish David Stern considers our proposal, because just like mandatory company fluff girls at the office - it is an idea long since overdue.


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