D'troit What?
//sports.balki.avril.d-bag.061704.dooshbag
  • written by Editor-in-Chief D-Bag
Bend over. Place your head firmly between your legs. Extend your lips. And kiss your ass goodbye, because The End is upon us. The Detroit Pistons beat the Los Angeles Lakers in the NBA Finals. Yes, that is right: Armageddon is here, dooshbag.

Sleep with your sister, throw a kitten like Marino and tell Grandma she can go F herself, because your life as you know it is over, my friend. The cosmic balances that bind this universe have been forever destroyed. You mean to tell me that a couple of has-beens and never-wases got together and began playing good, solid, team oriented basketball....and it worked? To quote my good friend Balki Bartokomous: "Get out of da city!"

Where are the practice skippin' shooters? The anal rapin' superstars? The over confident never-know-when-to-retire-for-good Hall O' Famers? Where are they? I'll tell you - they're off praying. Because they know, like I do: it is the beginning of the end. William Davidson acts as the Harbinger of Doom, of course and bears the visage of "666" upon his forhead. For those who have already had their heads up their asses for years - I'm looking your way, Sorostitutes - William Davidson is the owner of the NBA Champion Detroit Pistons and the NHL Champion Tampa Bay Lightning. Only a man in league with the Devil himself could produce a hockey champion from Florida and a basketball champion without one single convicted felon on the roster. It fortells it in the Bible, of course.

__"Then another sign appeared in heaven: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten __horns and seven crowns on his heads. His tail swept a third of the stars out of the sky and __flung them to the earth. Then he won two sports titles in the same year despite the fact that __Philadelphia could not win but one in twenty one years. His name was William Davidson __and he brings the end to all things."

__________________________________________________Revelations 12: verse 3.1416

Well, never ones to dwell on the negative, we here at Dooshbag.org have developed a list of things to do in prepartion for the Armageddon bash. With only one day to live - we've developed the top seven things to do before life as we know ceases to exist. Enjoy!

__1 - Kill someone. We recommend someone famous, but it might be better to kill someone __no one would suspect or miss. You don't want to spend your last day on Earth in prison, so __you'll want to get away with the crime. How about Mr. Rogers... no one would see that __coming. What? He's already dead? Even better! Go to his grave, dig him up, and beat the __ __(not) living crap of out of him. This way you get all the joy of murderous violence without any __repercussions. They can't arrest you for killing a man who's already dead. Unless he's a __zombie. Do not F with him if he's a zombie. I've seen Dawn of the Dead... zombies ain't very __nice people.

__2 - Get AIDS. It takes years for that virus do anything anyway. Actually, we here at __Dooshbag.org kind of admire AIDS in that respect. It's probably the least motivated of all __sexual diseases. It procrastinates for years and can't even finish the job. Pneumonia has to __step in and close the deal. Anyway, sleep with lots of prostitutes. As an added bonus, try to __sleep with Pamela Anderson and also get Hepatitis B.

__3 - Sucker-punch an Elephant. And then run...fast. Of course, you're thinking: "But, __Dooshbag, elephants never forget!" But you, my friend, are forgetting that the world is __ending. By the time that elephant gets around to exacting his revenge, the dead will be __walking the Earth looking for a bottle of Nestea Ice Tea. He'll have more important things to __do than track down one little cowardly sumabitch.

__4 - Drink a bottle of Diet Pepsi with Vanilla... no particular reason... it's just really tasty.

__5 - You know that female friend of yours... the one who you've always secretly wanted but __somehow got stuck in the dreaded Friend Zone with and now pretend to actually like as just __a friend? Yeah, tell her how you feel. Don't bother going for the Dawson's Creek "you mean __so much to me, and I've been thinking..." crap, either. Walk up to her, smile at her and take __her hand in yours and just kiss her. If she pulls away, don't sweat it... just smile and politely __say "I'll see you in hell, you teasing little slunt." Then please refer to option # 1. We can't __speak for her, but you'll probably end up there after fulfilling this list, so at least you're being __honest with her.

__6 - Get on TV. This can be accomplished in many ways. If the elephant is the host of an __entertainment magazine show, for example.. you can kill two birds with one stone. An __another easy route is a hostage standoff but usually you can only be seen from a distance. __Anyway, everyone wants their fifteen minutes so make sure you get yours. If you're really __smart, you can go to college and major in engineering. After you graduate you can begin a __lucrative career at an engineering firm and accept a big cash payout to go work in the Middle __East. Wait it out and odds are pretty good that you will be kidnapped and your captors will __put video of you on the internet and make several demands in exchange for your life. Of __course, seeing how the world is going to end and all, not many will feel sympathy for you __and you will spend your last hours on Earth blindfolded and listening to terrorists play __William Hung's new album over and over again. Maybe the elephant idea is the one you want __to go with here, buddy.

__7 - Rock out to the new Avril Lavigne album. I know, you'd rather be dead than caught __listening to the latest from our friend up North. Newsflash: you are going to die. Your friends __will be too busy announcing their newly acquired sexual diseases and their exploits at the __zoo to bother making fun of you. So, sit down, put the CD in and sing like the pussy that __you are. It's the end of the world as we know it... and you're doing fine.


Dooshbag.org is for entertainment purposes only and should not be viewed in a serious manner by anyone; in fact, even admitted dooshbags avoid taking this site seriously. If anyone is offended by this material, they are clearly an idiot and should consider starting their own website. Perhaps www.idiot.org is still available. Questions, concerns, hints and allegations may all be sent to mail@dooshbag.org for review and deletion. If any good ideas improbably develop on this site, they are the sole property of Dooshbag.org. Feel free to steal our crappy ideas, though. Those are free to all.