| Improving Baseball | ||||||||
| //sports.nbajam.maximus.scant.062604.dooshbag | ||||||||
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| I think most will agree that baseball is about as gruesome to watch as the lost Columbine surveillance tapes. Shit, even that had a surprise ending baseball can’t say the same.
This sport can drag on for hours with no signs of hope. Every time it starts to get interesting there’s a pitching switch or an intentional walk that makes the game move slower than Starr Jones at an NFL training camp. And instead of just bitching about the awful sport of baseball, I will instead try to give some suggestions for Major League Baseball to mull over to perhaps make the game more exciting. __1 - Baseball should become football. No one likes baseball, and there’s no real way to save it. America’s pastime is prostitution, not a piece of shit bat and ball game. But, just in case baseball can’t figure out a way to become football, I shall continue. __2 - Salary Cap should be instituted. How the fuck can the Yankees payroll be a couple hundred million a year, yet the other day I heard the poor Minnesota Twins were trying to sell Spiderman ads on bases and players were trying to turn tricks to afford new uniforms. In order for baseball to be interesting, it has to be fair. __3 - 9 Innings are just too long. The way these dopey, drugged-up fucks drag out the game my face is numb by the fifth inning and I’m praying that I get hit with a bolt of lightning to end my misery. Make the game 7 innings and play an episode of Married with Children after the 5th so we have something to look forward to. __4 - Children and drunks should be banned from the Stadium. I know I hear a lot of people say that the baseball park is the perfect place to bond with your son or father. It’s not. It’s boring and during the game the kids are thinking about doing something mischievous when they get home because they’re thinking about where they’ll get their next hit of sugar. The ticket could be better served taking a girl out, hoping the night air gets her a little frisky, and banging her in the parking lot. Make sure you wear a condom, or a couple years later you’ll be sitting with the little mutt at the ball game. Also, in the stadium is always some dooshbag drunk who yells at every single pitch like he can control the outcome of the game with his screams. That jerkoff should be stuck at home watching everyone else’s kids. __5 - The baseball should be on fire. I have no real reason why, other than it worked for NBA Jam… so it should help with baseball. __6 - Steroids should be legal. These apes can’t help themselves from juicing up, so why even bother regulating it. In fact, we should have players inform major league baseball of the drugs they’re using so we can put them on baseball cards under the stats section. __7 - Las Vegas needs an expansion team. They should be able to work out a nice cross promotion with the Bunny Ranch to “entice” people to come out to the game. Perhaps, literally. If none of this works, just dissolve baseball totally and use the stadiums for a second football league that plays during the summer months or bring back the old school gladiator battles. Stop laughinggladiator battles might not be a bad idea. Having the gladiator battles return will allow us to control the ever-growing population by ridding ourselves of the lower class. We can have them battle to the death against each other, tigers and monster trucks. Fuck baseball. |
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