Making Uncle Ben Proud
//society.riser.wilt.d-bag.060104.dooshbag
  • written by Society Staff Editor Trickle
If you drive in any sort of urban area you’ve probably been rudely passed by some pimply-faced little prick in a “modded-out” obnoxious little Japanese car. The derogatory term for these cars is ricer or rice burner—Uncle Ben should be pissed and I guess his wife Aunt Jemimah would be pissed too…but I digress. The term I prefer is “noisy pile of shit.” Fueled by ridiculous CG-rendered movies like Torque and the Fast and the Furious 1 and 2, a bunch of 17-year-olds who just got their licenses are buying 4 cylinder pieces of shit and “souping” them up with pricey “mods” like manufacturer decals and noisy muffler extensions.

Here’s a quick guide to ricing out your ride:

First you need a car. Look at compact, 4-door family sedans like the Subaru Impreza, Honda Civic, Mitsubishi Lancer or if you want to keep it domestic, a Ford Focus. Remember, don’t waste any money buying an expensive sports car with a real engine or upgrading your stock engine with any after-market parts. Instead, use all your money on the following upgrades.

Step 1: install an enormous wing on the back of your car. While this 110 pound monstrosity technically increases drag and adds weight, it will make you look absolutely badass. Only nerds worry about drag and weight anyway. You’re going to be too busy fending off the bitches.

Step 2: add a muffler extension that looks like the barrel of a cannon. While not altering the exhaust dynamics of your vehicle in anyway, this upgrade produces that distinctive “waaaa’ sound that immediately tells all the other fuckers to step off.

Step 3: get rid of your stock hood. Who the fuck uses stock hoods anyway? Replace it with some shiny silver bullshit that has about 18 vents on it.

Step 4: buy a set of $5,000 rims that spin, don't bother with performance brakes/calipers. Rims are all you need. It helps to get rims that are as large as possible. Even if you’re tires are rubber-band thin and rub against the top of the wheel well.

Step 5: tint the windows. Black is alright but a different color is preferred.

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ADVANCED TECHNIQUES: Not for Pussies...

1: Go to Auto Zone and get body decals for every after-market parts manufacturer you can find. It doesn’t matter that you don’t actually have components from Jackson, Stillen, Brembo or AEM installed. Hell, get a Clutch Masters decal even though you’re driving an automatic. Each sticker adds 0.25 MPH to your top speed.

2: Get a ridiculous looking body kit installed that makes your car wider than a tractor trailer. Even though you can’t go through a McDonald’s drive thru, a car wash or a toll booth, you look bad ass and will get tons of head.

3: Look for a large vinyl decal to apply to the side and/or hood/roof of your vehicle. These decals boldly proclaim that you are seriously not to be fucked with and you will eat other cars with larger engines off the line.

4: Neon. You’re car is not complete until you install neon lights underneath the side skirts. Steady glowing lights are good for beginners but true professionals only buy the pulsating kind.

5: Add gauges. You need to have more gauges tacked onto your dashboard than a 737 cockpit. You need gauges for everything: tire pressure, trunk weight, number of passengers, power steering fluid, oil level, acne level of your face, windshield wiper fluid, etc. A true racer has to know every detail about his machine at all times.

With these simple steps in mind you are on your way to impressing your friends and scoring with more bitches than Wilt Chamberlain. Chances are the ladies will just throw their panties at you as you drive down the street. Actually, you don’t want those bitches anyway. The kind of girls you’ll get in this monster ride aren’t the type who wear panties anyway.


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