Starvation: The New Atkins
//society.new.atkins.d-bag.052204.dooshbag
  • written by Editor-in-Chief D-Bag
We here at Dooshbag.org are always looking for ways to improve your health and lifestyle. To that end, we'd like to introduce the Dooshbag Diet... a revolutionary way to lose weight. A simple four-step process will have you shrinking down in no time.

__Step One: Skip Breakfast.

__Step Two: Skip Lunch.

__Step Three: Skip Dinner.

__Step Four: Please see Step one.

Sure, there are other diets out there and they usually have all sorts of rules and regulations. The newest diets do their best to avoid carbohydrates. Hey, here's an idea. Want to lose weight? Try avoiding food. I ain't never seen a carb. I don't know what it looks like. If a carb came up and mugged me on the train tommorrow and I had to go to a Police lineup, I wouldn't be able to identify it. How can carbs make me fat, anyway? You mean to tell me that something that is MICROSCOPIC is making me bigger?! That makes no friggin' sense whatsover. That's like swallowing an elephant and losing ten pounds.

And let us not forget that Professor Atkins, the man responsible for this new age diet crap, is a convicted rapist! Would you trust a rapist with your health? I certainly wouldn't.

Please only begin our Dooshbag Diet if you're really serious about being able to see your feet, again. It is not recommended for everyone. In fact, I encourage a little extra weight. I say you should get fat, get a chain, attach a girl in a bikini to the end of it and then gourge yourself on living creatures placed neatly to your side.

And, please, never forget that being thin does not make you a better person. Oprah has lost a lot of weight over the years and she is still a life-draining, money-grubbing fecalslut. That guy Subway Jared lost loads of flubber and all he did was fit more asshole into less body. He is - I swear to Allah - pound for pound, the biggest retard on the planet... with the possible exception of the guy who invented "My Wife and Kids."

So, anyway, good luck with your diet. If things get really desperate, trying chewing off your own love handles, but remember - just like a girl giving a blowjob in some closet at an AIDS awareness rally - you shouldn't swallow. It would defeat the point.


Dooshbag.org is for entertainment purposes only and should not be viewed in a serious manner by anyone; in fact, even admitted dooshbags avoid taking this site seriously. If anyone is offended by this material, they are clearly an idiot and should consider starting their own website. Perhaps www.idiot.org is still available. Questions, concerns, hints and allegations may all be sent to mail@dooshbag.org for review and deletion. If any good ideas improbably develop on this site, they are the sole property of Dooshbag.org. Feel free to steal our crappy ideas, though. Those are free to all.