Online Dating is for Idiots
//society.internet.cleavage.trickle.051404.dooshbag
  • written by Society Staff Editor Trickle
The online dating scene caters to the biggest bunch of failed abortions I've ever seen. These online sites are meat markets but they pretend to be about love and companionship. Instead of just posting pictures, they want you to fill out a bunch of asinine questions so potential mates will know that you're a dog person or that you like Italian food. I like to have my dog lick Italian food off my nuts. But they don't ask the hard-hitting questions now do they? Every girl on those sites is looking for someone who is funny yet serious, cocky yet easygoing. Shove your contradictions and your feminine double speak. I'm not John Cusack. John Cusack isn't even John Cusack since he's ACTING in all his roles you simpering idiots. I don't care that a girl is looking for a nice date where we can talk and not have it be "awkward." You know what awkward is? Trying to make five fingers disappear...Now that's awkward.

Here's a News Flash: If you're a chick, me and about 7,000 other guys are going to look at your tits right off the bat. It's a male defense mechanism. So if you show cleavage in your picture expect 7,000 responses. If you're attractive, tack on another 8,500 responses. So please don't waste my time trying to qualify me by the most recent book I read. It wasn't a book it was the sports page of the Daily News and I read it while taking a shit. The shit was a light brown with two medium sized logs - does that make us more compatible?

Don't ask me to tell you about 5 items in my bedroom. But if you want to know you can find an empty bottle of Johhny Walker Black, a box of Kleenex positioned conveniently close to my bed, Girls Gone Wild and Girls Gone Wild: Best of Mardi Gras (they count as one item); a foam/plastic WWE World Heavyweight Championship belt that I beat up a 9 year old for, and the past three years' worth of the Fantasy Football Index (they also count as one item). I'm a guy. What do you expect? Scented candles? Rose petals? Fuck off. So take more pictures of your tits and shut the fuck up about being whisked off your feet.


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