Come & Get Me
//society.shred.topgun.trickle.062604.dooshbag
  • written by Society Staff Editor Trickle
If one more person tells me to shred and then burn the tatters of a receipt or bank statement again I’m going to go postal. Does anyone else think it’s a little pretentious for a person to think someone wants to steal their identity? Yeah, if I were Tom Cruise I’d be worried about protecting my identity but nobody who makes less than $30,000 ever needs to buy a paper shredder. It’s just ridiculous.

My parents always yell at me: “Rip up that bank statement. You don’t want people to steal those numbers.” What dolts. I am pretty damn worthless. Any moron stupid enough to steal my identity is just asking for it. And frankly, I wouldn’t mind starting over. Wasn’t that the whole point of Fight Club—erasing debt so everyone gets a fresh start as a nameless, debtless, free individual?

Stealing my identity is worse than winning the consolation prize on a shitty game show. As a parting gift, the lucky contestant will get: $20,000 in college debt—payable in $205/month chunks over the next 18 years, $9,000 of car debt payable in $370/month chunks over the next 2.5 years, $5,000 of credit card debt payable to debt consolidators in $315/month chunks over the next 3 years, and $222/month of insurance payable over the next lifetime. I’m not including rent and utilities/food because I assume if you steal my identity you probably don’t want to live with me…if you do want to live with me after stealing my identity then you wouldn’t be a crook, you’d be my girlfriend. Oh, and to make the pot that much sweeter, you get to pay all these bills at a salary that clocks in just barely above $31k/year.

Now before you get the bright idea that you’re going to steal my livelihood and not pay the bills, you might want to know that I have effectively booby trapped, I said booby trapped, my financial interests by setting up direct payments on all those accounts. Most paychecks will be spent before they’re even deposited. With all that said, there is probably a cool $50 or $60 bucks per week in left over money for you to splurge. Of course, you could make twice as much on tips alone if you worked at a carwash but who the hell wants to work? So come and get it. Take my identity. I’ll hand it over without a fight. PLEASE. I’m not kidding…take it. Who knows, maybe it’ll work out better for you.


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