| To the Class of 2004 | ||||||||||
| //society.futon.madden.20piece.052904.dooshbag | ||||||||||
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| Congratulations, Dooshbag, on making it through 4 years of skipping classes, wasting your parents’ money, getting high and making mistakes with drunk slunts. I hope you had fun…because the time for enjoying yourself is over. It’s gone. The light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.
Right now, you won’t believe me…it takes about 6 months for the light to fade. The hot girls go away. Mediocre women become goddesses and fat chicks suddenly ain’t so bad. That girl who glanced in your direction at the supermarket…OH YEAH, SHE WANTED YOU. You’ll get a job in an office…a small cubicle without a view. You’ll sit there for hours on end, sipping coffee, checking your email and hating your boss. You’ll get fat and start to resemble a baby calf…waiting to be slaughtered and turned into veal. You’ll lose your jumpshot…or at least say you did. __“Back in the day I would have drained that shot.” Bullshit. You never made that shot. You were never any good. However, the light will have faded by then and your college days will seem like a dream. You’ll fool yourself into thinking you were cool…athletic…good-looking…could read…didn’t smell bad. Right now, you think you have it all figured out. You’re an expert in your major. You know everything. I got news for you. You don’t know shit. Do me, and all grizzled veterans a favor. When you get your first job, KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT. Don’t ever say, “Oh I know how to do that. I took a class where we had a project like this...” You should be immediately shot in the face, you body dragged through the office and hung up by the copy machine as an example to other stupid college fucks to KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT. College is a waste of time. Seriously. Especially if you majored in something like Communications or English or Anthropology. Remember, you just spent 4 years screwing off. You didn’t really go to class…and if you did, you’d know you can skate through 98.7% of all college courses. All you have now are college loans, fewer brain cells and a futon with all kinds of weird stains on it. If I can leave you Dooshbags with one thing, it’s that LIFE SUCKS. It does. I’m sorry. Somebody had to tell you. The sooner you realize it, the sooner you can start your Madden franchise. Thumbs-up, Class of 2004. |
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| Dooshbag.org is for entertainment purposes only and should not be viewed in a serious manner by anyone; in fact, even admitted dooshbags avoid taking this site seriously. If anyone is offended by this material, they are clearly an idiot and should consider starting their own website. Perhaps www.idiot.org is still available. Questions, concerns, hints and allegations may all be sent to mail@dooshbag.org for review and deletion. If any good ideas improbably develop on this site, they are the sole property of Dooshbag.org. Feel free to steal our crappy ideas, though. Those are free to all. | ||||||||||