To the Board of Education
//society.gladiators.lesbians.scant.061304.dooshbag
  • written by Brauds Staff Editor Scant
Dear Board of Education,

Discipline in our school systems is out of control, which is leading to attitude problems in America’s youth. We need to take immediate action to save these poor misguided kids before it’s too late. Therefore, I am requesting an immediate implementation of a brand new curriculum — Physical and Mental Abuse.

This new curriculum, designed to help mold these disobedient children on a more direct route to adulthood, should start as the first class in 1st grade and should continue as an annual mandatory course through grade school and into high school. Everyone knows that the majority of kids are arrogant little pricks, and they do not learn this until well into their mid twenties. So, we need to speed up the realization process.

This process is inexpensive and very easy to pull off, and in the long run, you’ll be able to drive down the street with the windows down without a 12-year old making a smart ass comment at you. All teachers first need to achieve training in this new curriculum, and we can simply do this over a webcast to all schools in the United States. We will first educate these teachers in how to analyze a young child, pick out his exterior and interior flaws, and how to exploit them.

For example, all red headed children must be brought to the front of the class and laughed at the first day of class. The teacher should break a single egg over each of the red headed children’s head and simply state, “life isn’t fair, faggots.” Then make them go and sit down without any other explanation. Or perhaps you could just walk up to the most popular kid in class and admit to killing their beloved family pet earlier in the day. Justify it by saying, “Jesus wasn’t popular, so now you must pay.” Then moonwalk back to the front of the class smirking at your accomplishment.

The physical abuse should be more humiliating than painful. Feel free to equip your class room with one of those tennis ball guns and set it to a level that won’t knock them unconscious, but just enough to stir the shit out of them. The first time you get a smart ass response back, or some little brat mumbles the words “Whatever,” pounce her in the face with a tennis ball. For shits and giggles you could always turn the level up a bit, set off the fire alarm, and fire quick shots at them as they try to escape the classroom like you’re having American Gladiator flashbacks. Make sure to keep yelling, “You’re all going to burn!”

Another thing that pisses me off more than anything is when kids gang up on one single kid. Most of the time it’s some poor innocent kid who is just shorter than the rest of the scumbags in the class and he gets picked on because the kids are jealous of his over-developed, stunning personality. Sorry. Anyway, when this happens, gather the group of assholes up, and take them to your nearest ghetto. Slip the nearest gangbanger a dime bag and ask him to do you a favor and take these kids out on a routine drive by. Then have him make them jump out of the car and pick up the shells as you slowly start to drive away, taunting them and making them chase after the car. I guarantee these kids never pick on anyone again.

The first time some bully steals a kid’s lunch money, bring him into the middle of the cafeteria. Burn the money he stole. Both he and the little shit that didn’t fight him for it should learn a lesson. Then, have the 350lb janitor come into the center of the café and tell the little punk he wants a “fair one.” I guarantee by the time the janitor rolls up his sleeves acting like he’s going to kick this kids ass, the kid as already passed out and forgotten all about his asshole ways.

Tired of their foul language? Everytime a kid curses make him do a shot of Windex. Did he drop the “f-bomb?” Make him pound a fucking glass of dish detergent. Be sure to have the poison control number on your speed dial, we don’t want any kind of lawsuits to pop up because of this.

Tired of all these highschool girls getting pregnant? Many have stated that girls in high school are very promiscuous and are getting themselves in trouble with pregnancy and S.T.D.s because they are not having safe sex. This can be solved easily by going to SAMS Club, buying a vast quantity of birth control pills and having sex with the girls yourself. It’s a win-win situation. Oh, if the teacher happens to be a female, tell her to tape it and email it to scant@dooshbag.org.

I feel if these tactics are implemented as part of this Physical and Mental Abuse course, we will be able to reduce the likelihood of having to say that we are the parent of an asshole kid.

I look forward to hearing back from you, thank you for your time.

_____________________________________________Sincerely,

_____________________________________________Scant.


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