The Barnes & Noble Cellphone Scam
//society.mcat.scott.trickle.062604.dooshbag
  • written by Society Staff Editor Trickle
I was browsing the racks at Barnes and Noble the other day when my cell phone goes off. Now my ring tone isn’t some obnoxious shit like that Nokia default ring or a trendy Eminem song, it’s a simple MIDI version of one of the greatest songs ever recorded: Debaser by the Pixies. It rang for maybe 2 seconds tops yet every motherfucker sitting at the reading table near me shot me a dirty look.

When did Barnes and Noble turn into a free fucking library? It’s a place of business. I don’t walk into Blockbuster and silence my cell phone. Why Barnes and Noble? All those clowns shooting me dirty looks are a bunch of freeloaders anyway. They want ME to tiptoe around THEM as they read someone else’s work for free. It’s ridiculous. It’s like they’re saying “Please don’t disturb me as I try to steal this author’s work with my eyes.”

So I’ve got a mission for all the faithful. I want everyone to head out to their Barnes and Noble. Before you walk in you need to set your cell phone to the loudest possible ring volume and the most annoying ring tone. This is typically the one labeled for outdoor meetings. We’re looking for the kind of volume where you can hear your cell phone ring even though you’re in the shower with the water running two rooms away. Then find a table packed with freeloaders.

Bonus points if there’s some dumpy person there reading a self-help book. Have a buddy call you and let the entire tone play out. When you retrieve the phone from your pocket, pretend to carefully scrutinize the caller ID. Make it look like you’re very important and unsure as to whether to pick up. Answer and start a loud conversation. It’s important to make yourself sound as important as possible. Talk about a fictional business and how some fictitious person (name him Scott—Scotts always fuck everything up) screwed up something very important but you are going to come to the rescue and “save the account.”

Did you ever see Pulp Fiction? Remember Harvey Keitel as the Wolf? Be like the Wolf. Now as you’re talking, and this is key so follow along dooshbag, sit down at the table with the freeloaders and act like they’re in YOUR way or like they’re butting in on an important and highly private conversation.

The message you’re trying to send is: “Please take that book elsewhere. I’m in the middle of an important call.”


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