The Shield: Tuesday's Dose of Skull F'in
//reviews.commish.balls.d-bag.052504.dooshbag
  • written by Brauds Staff Editor Scant
Every episode of the Shield is much like a snuff film — no matter how much you try, you can never mentally prepare yourself to witness the ending. What separates this show from every other show on television is its ability to deliver a money-shot with each and every scene, something that not even seasoned pro Ron Jeremy can guarantee.

While creator Shawn Ryan is credited as the main plot developer, it was recently discovered that God is actually the shows main writer — because no one else could be this creative. The opening theme song, which mixes a heavy guitar riff with Mexicans banging pots, makes you feel so violent that you start to completely understand why Nanny’s beat other people’s children. From there they hit you non stop scene after scene with the most realistic drama ever on television.

How do they do this? Well they don’t puss it up by putting in 40-minute dream sequences with talking fish and corpses (I’m looking your way, Sopranos), and they make sure that every character is real. That means that sometimes a character does something good, and sometimes they do something bad. This is something that networks can’t seem to understand, and they try to make every character be clearly defined as a “good guy” or “bad guy.” Well, I got news for you, jerkoffs. In reality, the lines between good and evil are as blurred as Stevie Wonder’s vision — and if you can’t see that your ass should be playing a piano outside an Atlantic City casino for quarters as well.

The other day I happened to catch an episode of Me, Myself and My Kids or whatever the hell it’s called and the writing was so bad I was considering taking hostages and only releasing them in exchange for that show being taken off the air. The characters in all of these shows are too unbelievable; Damon Wayans did a ten minute skit on dating while he made a sandwich. Has your dad ever cracked a joke? No, of course not, because he’s your dad and he’s disappointed that you’re the only person carrying on his name. And you didn’t create The Shield.

Remember “The Commish?” Well, when Michael Chiklis was casted as the lead character in the show, he read two pages of the script and it F’ed 40 lbs of fat off of him, and he gained 20 back in muscle by the time he got through the first scene.

This is a show that’s necessary for society to witness and be apart of. I challenge you to watch an episode and tell me you didn’t feel like you had your balls ripped off and fed to contestants on Celebrity Fear Factory.

The Shield airs Tuesdays, 10 pm on FX


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