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| //qa.dell.shield.scant.061704.dooshbag | |||||||||||
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| Dooshbag.org will be presenting Q&A each week with a different guest advisor, this week we welcome the Lord of Darkness himself, Lucifer. | |||||||||||
| ___Dear Lucifer,
___I recently started up my own small business, but I can't seem to make any money ___with it. The first two months I was open I broke even, but now a convenience store ___opened up down the street from me and I've been in the red since. How do I turn this ___business around? Should I even bother, did I make the wrong move starting my own ___business? ____________________________________Thanks, ____________________________________Stan from California. Stan, The first thing you need to do is start thinking bigger. Why start a small business? Ok, take it from me, back in the day I decided to quit college and start being evil. Everyone, including my parents, thought I was crazy. My mother said, "You have a heart of gold, you could never be a devil." So the first thing I did was kill the bitch--and I was on my way to being Beelzebub. And look at me now. I'm the C.E.O. of Hell, I have millions of followers, an entire genre of music dedicated to me (metal), and currently I have more people indebted to me than MasterCard. Why you ask? I've always reached for the stars. My highschool guidance counselor told me I should aspire to be a lawyer or a Dell customer service rep, but instead of listening to him I decided to be all that I could be. Now I'm more powerful than anyone, and I'm always up for a challenge. Shit, I've even made Ben Stiller a success. That's how good I am, dawg, you gotta reach for the sky---- and then choke the fucker living there. Touche, Yahweh. The second thing to do is eliminate your competition. You should kill the owners of the other convenience store. Nothing backs the competitton off like a brutal murder. But, make sure you let me know first so I can put it in my Outlook. The last time this happened I wasn't around and J.C. wound up getting the commission for the souls. And, don't you dare schedule it on a Tuesday night at 10:00 during "The Shield" or I'll kick your ass. Follow this formula and you'll be on a quick route to success. Good luck, and take care. ____________________________________Your pal, ____________________________________Lucifer, C.E.O. ____________________________________Hell ____________________________________236 Santa Monica, Blvd. ____________________________________Beverly Hills, California 90210 |
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