Sluntology: The New Religion
//brauds.madden.betafish.scant.062004.dooshbag
  • written by Brauds Staff Editor Scant
For decades now, men have been told that in order to keep a woman and to keep her happy, they have to treat her right. After years of research, we at Dooshbag.org have come to the scientific conclusion that this is total bullshit. Women don't want to be treated well, because when you do that you eliminate the most important thing in a woman's life — drama. And women love drama as much as Kobe loves the balloon knot. Maybe more. Women need a reason to call their girlfriend, get emotional and analyze all of our actions.

So, in order to appease women, and to piggy back off the success of Scientology, we've created Sluntology© — the proper way to treat a woman in a relationship. It’s not only a method; it’s a religion for guys everywhere to follow. If you master it, you will not only have any woman you want, you’ll be able to keep her as well.

To understand Sluntology, you must first understand a woman. Women do not want nice guys. How do we know this? All nice guys are single. Women want assholes; guys who treat them so poorly that they fill them up with all the emotions they crave to experience — sadness, rage, anger, confusion and humiliation. Now, we here at Dooshbag.org understand that all of our readers are genuinely nice guys and wouldn’t even have the faintest idea how to treat a woman poorly, so we shall read some scripture from the Sluntology bible, and will constantly provide you with new scripture in this section to keep you up to date.

The following are readings from the Gospel according to Scant:

Women are much like the breasts they carry, while they may be well rounded and firm — they still need support. So keep in mind that your finances are their finances, and they need to appreciate the things you buy them.

For example, you and your slunt enjoy a nice meal at a cozy restaurant. When the waiter drops the bill off, does she ever reach for it? Of course not, she expects you to pay. Remember, if you appease them, you're defeating the purpose of Sluntology. So, the next time the waiter drops off the bill and she doesn't at least fake like she's reaching for it... act like you are reaching for the bill and dip your hand into her drink. Then flick water repeatedly into her face like you were trying to chase your cat away from your food. As she's wiping the drops of water from her eyes in disbelief, say nothing, just stare at her. Place a toothpick in your mouth, put your leather jacket on, and walk straight out to the car leaving her to pay for the bill. Because you didn't explain why you did this, it will definitely give her something to talk to her girlfriend about and will make you seem "mysterious," which chicks love. Also, she'll learn to better appreciate when you buy her things.

Women are also a lot like a half eaten box of chocolates — it's rare to find any with cherries left. The main reason is women start their sexual activities at a very young age, and heavily experiment during their high school and college years. But, despite all of this whoring around, once a girl is in a committed relationship she turns off the sexual faucet — and you're waiting around to catch the occasional drip. This is bullshit. So, we need to make women appreciate sex with us, and realize that this is actually their end of the bargain. While you're in the middle of sex with a girl, keep asking her when she's near "the end." Then, just as she's about to orgasm…..get up, smack her on the ass, and say "good luck with that." Light up a cigarette and walk out of the room naked. Even if you don't smoke, it's necessary to make it seem like you're more interested in taking a cigarette break than getting her off. As she's laying there in a puddle of sexual frustration, she'll realize how important sex is with you. And she’ll want you more.

Women are also a lot like kids playing "Go Fish" — they're dying to put a pair together. They love matchmaking and are always annoying the shit out of everyone by trying to set our friends up with their friends, who are usually pigs. So to stop this, and to treat her badly at the same time, there's a quick formula to get her mind going. Select her hottest two single girlfriends, and the most inappropriate moment. Like when the two of you are laying on the couch, or when she's giving you oral.

__Male: "You know who would make a good couple? Jen and Sarah."

And when you say it, play it off like you came up with something really inventive. Then describer her hot friends in great detail.

__Male: "Yeah! I mean, Jen has a really nice tight body and I'll bet you she's an animal in bed. And Sarah, man that girl just has the best rack and flattest stomach I've ever seen. And her lips are so full and sexy. God damnit! They'd be so fucking hot together."

Then, quickly ask her a question she can't answer before she addresses what you just said.

__Male: "Who was the last person to rush for 2,000 yards in a season?" This will confuse her and make her temporarily forget what you said — but she'll bring it up to her girlfriend later. Not only can I guarantee she never mentions matchmaking in front of you again, she’ll be jealous that you noticed her two friends and will want you more.

Women — like peacocks, beta fish and homosexuals — actually care what they look like and how presentable they are. So, you have to play this to your advantage. The first thing you need to do is buy a laser pointer, a gym membership (in her name) and a ton of low carb food. Tape the gym membership to her mirror, and replace all of the food in the kitchen with the low carb items. After noticing these two switches, she'll come to you asking why you did such a thing. Without responding..... pull out the laser pen, shine it on her, and slowly circle all of her "problem areas" like John Madden picking a part a blown play on Monday Night Football. Then, go back to eating your cheesesteak and watching TV, chuckling to yourself.

She’ll think that she needs to get in to better shape, and think that you think you’re superior to her. All of this will make her appreciate and want you more.

These are just a few gospels in the book of Sluntology, and we at Dooshbag.org will now be updating these gospels regularly. Be forewarned, the first couple times you try these gospels you may feel a slight bit of uneasiness come over you. Pay no attention to it, it’s called guilt and it will go away once you start to see how much better your relationship is. Mass has ended, go in peace to love and serve your woman… the way she wants to be served.


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