Sluntology: Women and Size
//brauds.sosa.fisherprice.scant.070504.dooshbag
  • written by Brauds Staff Editor Scant
Women are like wearing sweatpants -- no matter how big you are, they're never really too tight. So, there's never any reason for a guy to be upset about the size of his member. Yet, women still find a way to make a guy feel insecure about the weapon he's packing no matter if he's carrying a pistol or a shotgun. In an attempt to make women feel just as badly as they make us feel about our genitalia — we would proudly like to present the "SammySosa." Named after the baseball player who was caught corking his Louisville slugger, the Sosa will absolutely give you the confidence you need in your bat and make your woman think there's something wrong with her dugout. Also, as an added bonus, this will lead to a newly invigorating sex life.

A few weeks before you perform the "Sosa," you need to lay the groundwork. The first thing you need to do is to stop complimenting them during sex. Seconds after you and your woman do the deed, make sure you say the word "Eh," and yawn a lot.

Next, you need to pick up a ping pong ball, a hot dog roll and a pack of Magnum condoms (where they sell these, I would have no idea).

Then, before you and your lady get busy, excuse yourself to the bathroom to get ready. Wrap your junk up in the hot dog roll and top it off with the ping pong ball, and strap on the Magnum. If done correctly your flesh-sword will look a lot like one of the Fisherprice little people trapped in a cocoon. When your woman tries to mount you, she'll utter the words you've always wanted to hear, "You're too big for me."

That is when you answer: "I've always been average. Maybe yours is just..defective."

After letting her cry for a couple of hours, tell her maybe she's not defective and that you've read something on the internet about women who have had their love tunnels shrink up due to lack of use. Tell her not to worry, she's not alone in this; there's even a website for women to chat about it and share their experiences. Don't sweat it, she'll never check. At this point she'll be so relieved to find out that she's not a freak she'll take this excuse and will work her ass off to "stretch herself" back into shape. Enjoy your new found sex life and pat yourself on the back for the emotional scar you temporarily left.

This is the Gospel according to Scant.


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