Black Jack Index - Kim
//blackjack.kim.d-bag.053104.dooshbag
  • written by Editor-in-Chief D-Bag
The Black Jack Index, a revolutionary new method for reducing women to a simple number. The BJI consists of seven unique categories, each category with an appropriate score between 0 and 3, 3 being the best. Each category must be ranked seperately and then the total score is tallied only at the end, to give an overall score - the maximum of which is 21. Blackjack!

Today we take a look at Kim, a loyal Dooshbag.org reader... or hapless victim - you decide! Kim was nice enough to be the first lady to volunteer for a Black Jack Index score. So you'd think we'd go easy on her.. but you thinking has never been a good idea, has it?

Face: Kim appears to be a very pretty braud, but the emo glasses remind us of... well.. emo people. Anyways, we'll deduct one point just because we can. That makes us feel better when the pretty ones reject us. 2 points, Kimmay!

BodyFrom what we can tell, the lady's in shape. Exactly what shape is the question. Just kidding! We like what we see, but there's a one point deduction for lack of cleavage shown, so she nets a 2. Some might say "what about leaving something to the imagination"? Sure, that sounds just fine. So how about women show a lot of cleavage and keep their god damn mouths shut? That way, we can leave their voices to the imagination.

Kim is seen here feigning a smile just before she maces a member of the Dooshbag.org Editorial staff. She later claimed that the mace was an accident... she had no such excuse for the taser, however.

Humor: Kim seemed rather amused by our questionaire and even gave us a chuckle or two a few times. For example, she claims that Citizen Kane is her favorite movie. We got a big hoot out of that. Because everyone knows that in the movie pantheon, Citizen Kane ranks somewhere between Showgirls and Teen Wolf, Too.  We'll be generous and give her a 3 here.

Compatibility: Her hatred of France and her willingness to sleep with Jennifer Aniston both earn her mucho bonus points here. However, there is something to consider. Get this: she likes to read. And we're not talking the captions under the hot chicks in Maxim, either. We're talking pieces of cardboard with many, many pages in between. That's right - books. She even claims to have a favorite one, which we here at Dooshbag.org will not divulge - just in case impressionable children may be viewing this site. Ugh. Books. I feel sick. Kim, you dissapoint, but we'll only take one point from you for the book thing. Provided you don't ever try to peer-pressure us into reading one. You miraculously salvage 2 points here.

Availability: Kim claims that "The Philly Fanatic is kinda hot." This means that she has hit rock bottom. She is as available as a Starbucks franchise in Karbala, Iraq. Italian guys with hairy backs also have an added advantage. The girl steals a 3 here again.

Baggage: Remember how that guy on Average Joe 2 broke up with that chick when he found out she dated Fabio? Well, we can top that here. Our lil' Kim was involved with - get this - a member of the Dooshbag.org editorial staff! I'll wait while your mind tries to wrap itself around the concept that some woman actually found one of us attractive.... You okay now? Okay, good. Although you have very little chance of Kim's Ex's coming back to haunt you.. just the thought of her lowering herself enough to like one of us... it's going to drive you mad. Kimmy sadly pulls out only 1 point here.

Intelligence: Well, she lives in the Northeast of the US and doesn't have any kids or ex-husbands yet, so she's obviously got some level of intelligence. And she easily deduced some good logic on why Transformers are better than G.I. Joe: "Can G.I. Joe turn himself from a truck into a robot? I think not." She did, however, admit herself to be rated by the Dooshbag.org staff which - while sweet and greatly appreciated - can NOT be a good career move for this young lady. We'll let her pass through with a 2, conveniently ignoring the fact that she graduated from "Useless Degrees R' Us"... also known as Penn State.

So after tallying the scores, it appears that Kim swings in with a mighty 16. Way to go, Kim. That is quite an impressice tally, especially considering you didn't resort to nudity or blatant lieing... although your whole "money can't replace your family and friends" bit seemed a bit of a stretch. We all know that we can all easily be replaced with money.. just some more than others. Example: Donald Trump replacing a wife costs about $10-15 million in divorse settlements. Replacing a Dooshbag.org editor, however, can be covered with a dollar menu double cheeseburger from McDonalds. But don't worry, Kim, with your hefty Black Jack Index score of 16, it's gonna take at least a value meal for somebody to sell you out. Keep up the good work, Sistah!


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