|No, seriously folks, I honestly
wish I could say that I dreamed this up myself, but no. This piece of genius
creative writing was dredged up by a friend of mine named Mike
Miller. (Click name to E-mail for comments!)
I discovered this young talent one day when he signed Godzilla's Radioactive Guestbook. Genius is always found in the most unexpected places! And now, without further ado: WARNING! Neither the author or the page owner is liable for stuff like involuntary piddling, loss of lung tissue, splitting of surgical incisions, or anything else that comes with laughing one's ass off. K!!!!!!
Now, with his permission, I bring to
CAPTAIN KIRK VS. GODZILLA!
Captain's log, Stardate Unknown: The Enterprise has encountered a severe gravity storm and barely escaped intact. There were no casualties, but we are left with two reminders of our narrow escape.1) We appear to have traveled back into time to Earth in the year 1969 (again!!!) 2) The food replicators seem to have malfunctioned and are currently only putting out..spam!!!
We are currently in orbit directly above a small Japanese island in the South Pacific. Mr. Spock claims that the key to returning to our own time lies hidden somewhere on this island, though even he cannot explain why. I am now assembling a landing party to beam down and investigate the island. Mr. Scott and his team are working on the replicator problem...
Kirk: Standard orbit, Mr. Sulu.
Sulu: Standard orbit, Captain.
Kirk: Status, Mr. Spock.
Spock: We are in orbit directly over the island now, Captain. Sensors indicate various unusual life forms on the planet's surface. Curious.I'm not finding any match for these life forms anywhere in the computer library.
Uhura: Captain.I'm receiving a signal directly from the island.
Kirk: Put it on audio, Lieutenant.
Uhura: Aye, Sir. (Uhura presses some buttons and throws some switches. The entire bridge is now immersed in a very unpleasant sound...the cry of Gabera!!! There is a stunned silence throughout the bridge. Finally..)
Spock: (raising an eyebrow) Fascinating, Captain. Sounds vaguely like one of your ancient Earth vehicles with a bad starter.
Kirk: I wanna go down there and investigate. Kirk to sickbay.
McCoy: McCoy here.
Kirk: Bones.meet us in Transporter Room One.
McCoy: On my way.
Kirk: Spock, you're with me. Ensign Miller, Ensign Lewis, you're with us as well.
(Two rather nondescript characters rise from their workstations. They are both wearing red shirts, so chances are, they probably won't survive this episode. As the four men begin to exit the bridge)
Uhura: Captain Kirk!
Kirk: (turning around and meeting his communications officer's gaze) Yes Lieutenant..?
Uhura: Sir, the sound that that creature makes... It frightens me! Please...be careful!!!
Kirk: (throwing out his chest to show how brave he is, but speaking in a soft voice to show his sensitive side) Don't worry about us, Lieutenant. We're Starfleet Officers! Danger and we are old companions!
(Turning to his landing party, authority now predominant in his voice) Gentlemen! We have a job to do!! (The four men exit the bridge. The Camera pans to Uhura's face, a mask of anxiety and concern)
(Transporter Room 1. Scotty is at the controls, chugging his Saurian Brandy. Kirk and Spock enter, followed by Ensign Miller and Ensign Lewis. McCoy is already standing on the transporter dish. The others join him)
Kirk: Ready, Bones?
McCoy: Dammit, Jim!! I'm a doctor, not an explorer!
Kirk: This is an explorer ship, Doctor, make do. Mr. Scott!
Scott: Aye, sir?
Kirk: I assume work is progressing on the replicators? These spam sandwiches with my coffee are getting awfully old.
Scott: I have me engineers workin' around the clock, sir-r-r-r-r-r! We'll have 'em ship-shape in no time!
Kirk: Very good, Mr. Scott. Gentlemen (he pauses for dramatic effect) we don't know what we're going to run into down there. Phasers on stun, and keep your guard at all times. Oh, and Scotty
Scott: Aye, Sir?
Kirk: For the last time..No more brandy at your post!!!! I'm sick of being beamed into bulkheads, Mister!
Scott: It'll not happen again, Sir!
Scott: Aye, Sir-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!
(Scotty activates the transporter mechanism, the five men disappear in an energy beam. The last thing they hear is their chief engineer lapsing into a massive hiccuping spasm)
(A small clearing in a jungle on Monster Island. Kirk and his landing party materialize. Upon transport, they all silently give thanks for not being beamed into another bulkhead, then immediately begin pulling out tricorders and taking sensor readings.)
Kirk: Spock....You're....normally....not given to flights of fancy. It's even less your character to go on intuition. Is there...anything more you can tell us about this...island?
Spock: Negative, Captain. I just know somewhere on this land-mass lies the answer to getting back to our own time. For the present, there is nothing more than I can tell you.
Kirk: Very well. We should split up to cover more ground. Spock, Bones, you remain with me. Mister Miller! You and Ensign Lewis take the east side of the island!
Spock: That would be ill-advised, Captain. Sensors indicate the presence of a very large arachnid in that vicinity as well as numerous large insects.
Kirk: We're on a mission, Mr. Spock! I have faith in these men, they're highly trained officers. My orders still stand!!
Spock: I've anticipated this. Therefore, prior to our transport, I modified the frequencies of Miller's and Lewis's phasers to simulate the equivalent of three-million-nine-hundred-and -eighty-six-thousand-two-hundred-and-forty-nine-point-twelve cans of Raid in a single energy burst.
Kirk: That's...very...excellent foresight on your part, Mr. Spock. Gentlemen! You have your orders! Take the east side of the island, report anything unusual. And, don't worry...most insects are herbivores by nature.
Miller: (good-naturely..) Don't much care where they go to church, sir, as long as they don't eat meat!
Kirk: (thoroughly disgusted by his junior officer's blatant display of ignorance) Dismissed!!
Miller and Lewis: (in unison) Aye, Sir! (They exit the set.)
Spock: Captain...I'm picking up a life form reading just ten yards around that bend...humanoid!
Kirk: We must investigate at once! (Starts for the area without a trace of hesitation)
Spock: Captain...(Placing a hand on Kirk's shoulder, pausing for dramatic effect)...according to my sensors, this life form was not there a few seconds ago. Caution is advised.
Kirk: (aware of the danger, but obviously undeterred..) Acknowledged!...Spock...do...you...have any idea...
(Kirk is interrupted by the sound of a voice not far in the distance)
Voice: Calling Monstah Island, Calling Monstah Island...Where are you, Minya...?
McCoy: What the devil?!
Kirk: A voice!!! A human voice! Trying to contact...Monstahisland...A vessel of some kind, perhaps? Maybe even the vessel that can take us home!!! Quick gentlemen!!!
(The three men reach another clearing and find the source of the "voice". A young Japanese boy, wearing shorts, a cap, and a pair of headphones...)
Boy: Calling Monstah Island, come in Minya! Calling...(the boy whirls around, sees the strangers, and gasps startled.) Hey! Who're you guys?
McCoy: Jim!! Did you see that? His lips didn't move in sync with his speech!
Kirk: Mr. Spock, speculate. Ventriloquism?
Spock: Negative, captain. We are experiencing a phenomenon known as "dubbing". This boy is actually speaking Japanese, but his voice is being dubbed in English for our benefit and for the benefit of our American audience. Comes in most handy when one does not have the benefit of our universal translators which were also damaged by our encounter with the deadly gravity storm
Kirk: How convenient. (Addressing the boy and attempting to win his trust because we all know how personable Captain Kirk is...) Hello, son. I'm...Captain...James..T. kirkoftheStarshipEnterprise! And, what's your name?
Boy: My name is Ichiro!
Spock: Young, Ichiro, may I inquire as to the identity of this "Minya" that you were attempting to contact. Is he your commanding officer?
(Before Ichiro can reply...)
New voice from bushes: Hey! Ichiro! Over here!
(Three phasers are instantly aimed at the clump of bushes. They are all set on kill. Then...slowly, clumsily, out of the bushes, emerges Minya, Son of Godzilla. He lumbers over to the others. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy, realizing that this creature couldn't possibly present any harm to them or anyone else, lower their weapons)
Ichiro: Minya-san! I thought you weren't going to come! Where were you?
Minya: Just gettin' my ass kicked by Gabera again, what else? Hey! Who're these guys??!!!
Ichiro: They're my new friends!
Minya: (looking them over) They look like a buncha weird-o's! What's with the funny pajamas?
Spock: These "pajamas" as you call them, happen to be our uniforms.
Minya: (his attention now fully directed at Spock) Hey! You've got pointed ears!!!! They suuuuure are scary!
(Spock folds his arms, and a look comes over his face which suggest that he's insulted. Of course, we, the audience, know better!)
Spock: My mother actually found them quite attractive.
Ichiro: Hey! I'm hungry! You guys got any spam?
(A perplexed look comes over Spock, as though a new factor has been introduced into an equation he was just on the verge of solving. But, before he can comment...Another creature's deadly roar pierces the silence...the roar of Godzilla!!! Three phasers are extended in three different directions.)
Kirk: What in the name of Starfleet...?!
Minya: Hey! It's Dad!
Ichiro: Yay! We get to meet Godzilla!
Minya: Sounds like he's on the beach. Come on, guys! (Minya disappears down a trail in the jungle followed by an eager Ichiro and three speechless Starfleet officers...)
(The Enterprise's landing party, followed by Ichiro and Minya, emerge from the jungle and onto the beach just in time to see Godzilla hitting a boulder back and forth with Ebirah, the Mammoth Lobster! The three Starfleet officers stand there in awestruck fascination.)
Minya: Get him, Godzilla, get him, get him!!! O-o-o-o-o-o-h!!!
McCoy: That's it, I must be dreaming! Somebody pinch me quick!
Spock: (Regaining his composure) That, Doctor McCoy, would serve little purpose other than to inflict discomfort to the affected area. However, if you wish, I would be happy to---
McCoy: Never mind!!!
Spock: Captain, I'm picking up a Geiger response. The creature on land is dangerously radioactive.
Kirk: This is...extraordinary! Before we proceed, we must first eliminate the hallucination theory. Spock...you're the logical one. Tell us ..what do you see?
Spock: It would appear to be a prehistoric creature of substantial size employing a large chunk of strata to engage in a round of Earth volleyball with an enormous crustacean.
McCoy: A four-hundred-plus foot nuclear reactor with fins dukin' it out with ten tons of pissed-off blue-plate-special!! So much for the hallucination theory. I don't know whether to be relieved or terrified!!!
Spock: Actually, Doctor, as strange as this may sound, these life forms pose no threat to us.
Spock: According to my tricorder, what we are witnessing is not an hallucination, but in fact, a phenomenon known as "stock footage", an tactic frequently used by movie studios for the purpose of thrilling a gullible audience at minimum cost. This incident we are observing actually took place three years prior to the reality we are currently occupying, and, in fact, on a different island...
(Ebirah, in a fit of rage, bats the boulder far above Godzilla's head and inland. We see a shot of the boulder flying overhead, and another of the characters looking up, but not in the same frame. This is, after all, stock footage. The boulder lands. The five characters are seen reacting to the ground shaking. Or is it the camera shaking...? Godzilla, angered at missing Ebirah's serve, enters the water...)
Minya: Kick his ass, Godzilla!!
Kirk: Stock footage??!! Spock, how is this possible?
Spock: Captain, when one is dealing with a limited budget, the strange and the absurd are not only possible, but frequently to be expected. Recall, for example Star Date 5431.4 when that mysterious beautiful scantily-clad humanoid female transported aboard our bridge and abducted my brain----
(Spock's reminiscing is interrupted when Ebirah, in a desperate attempt to ward off his attacker, splashes Godzilla with his enormous claw, thoroughly drenching the five bystanders on the shore.)
Minya: (groaning in shock and surprise) Let's get outta here!!
(He and Ichiro scramble up the hill out of splashing distance. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are left standing there, completely soaked and looking absolutely ridiculous. Kirk glances over at Spock, clearly demanding an explanation..)
Spock: Apparently, it is possible to be splashed by stock footage, Captain. Recommend we follow our new companions' example and head for higher ground before our instruments short-circuit.
(As the Starfleet Officers scramble up the hill to join Ichiro and Minya, Godzilla emits a deadly dose of his radio-active breath, immersing Ebirah, in boiling water.)
McCoy: (Looking over his shoulder as he reaches the top of the hill) Now, I must admit, that broiled lobster looks a helluva lot more appetizing than the damn spam we've been consuming lately!
Spock: Perhaps the good doctor would care to row out there with a plate, fork, knife and a bowl of garlic butter?
(Ebirah attacks from under water, pulling a surprised Godzilla beneath the surface.)
Ichiro: (worried) Can he breathe under-water?
Minya: Yeah! And, he's strong underwater!
Spock: Interesting. The life form is undoubtedly an amphibian .
Ichiro: (Correcting him) No. He's a monster .
(A beep is heard from Kirk's communicator. Then...)
Scotty's voice: Engineering to landing party.
Kirk: (Reaching for and activating his wet communicator) Kirk here, what is it Scotty.
Scotty: Captain, I thought ye'd like ta know, we've performed a Level One Diagnostic on all the replicators. They be in perfect workin' order sir-r-r-r-r-r!
Kirk: Good job, Scotty. Then, the spam problem is solved?
Scotty: That's just it, sir-r-r-r! They're still spewin' out the foul stuff like there's no tomorrow! Every test we've run says they ought ta be functionin' normally! Don't ask me to explain it, sir-r-r-r-r!
Kirk: (Losing his patience) I AM ASKING, MISTER!! I WANT ANSWERS!!! Kirk out! (He signs off and puts his wet communicator away. Spock appears to be deep in thought in reaction tot this latest development.)
(Meanwhile, Godzilla has chased Ebirah off. Having broken off one of the creatures claws, he clicks in it in a gesture of warning not to screw with him again. Ichiro and Minya begin to cheer, laugh hysterically, hold hands, and jump up and down like a couple of idiots. McCoy shakes his head in disgust. Then, Godzilla begins to head inland...)
Ichiro: Where's Godzilla going..?
Minya: Let's follow him!
If you thought THIS
was bad...here comes the NEXT Installment! ;-D