INT: ROCKY'S HOUSE A fight is happening at the Balboa house. PAULIE YEAH, FUCK YOU ROCK! "ITALIAN STALLION", MY ASS, MORE LIKE THE "ITALIAN PIECE OF SHIT HOMOSEXUAL FUCKING QUEER!" ROCKY Ehhhhhhyooooo Paaaaaaahliieee, eyeeeee didennt meeean taaaaa pisssss eeeewe off man, eyeee juust be sayyin' dat ewe can't bee sayyin dat tooooo myyy kid ewwwwe knoww? Caawwwlin' mee a baad faawwthaa nn alll dat... PAULIE (IMITATING) "ehhhhhhyooooo paaaaaaahgliieee, eyeeeee didennt meeean taaaaa pisssss eeeewe off man" FUCKING TALK CORRECTLY, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF BRAIN-DAMAGED SHIT. ROCKY Ehhhhhyoooooo Paualiee, maaaaan whaat stawwted awwll dis man? PAULIE YOU, YOU FUCKING JERK! Paulie swills some vodka, then bashes the bottle over Rock's head. PAULIE I CAN SAY ANYTHING I WANT TO THAT FUCKING KID, I WAS THE ONE TEACHING HIM HOW TO BE A MAN WHILE YOU WERE OUT BACK LETTING TOMMY GUNN SMACK YOU IN THE FACE WITH HIS DICK! FUCKING HOMO! He spits on Rock. ROCKY Ehhhhyyooo Paaaalueuuiie, I-I-eeye thouuuuwt ewe wuzzeent gon' sayy anyting bowt dat, eh, Paolie? Paulie leaves the house, slamming the door shut. ROCKY Eeeyoooooo Age-rrriiiiiiannn!! PAULIE VS. ROCKY AKA DEATH OF ROCKY The next day the Balboa family is sitting at the table eating breakfast. Paulie is still gone, probably passed out in a hooker's chest or something. ROCKY Eeeehhhhyooooo kiid, wwhhaattt wuhzzzz happennnin lazzzzt nite dere me n yeer Un-kellll Paaualiee... JUNIOR DAD! Get the fucking cock out of your mouth when you speak! Paulie has been more of a father to me than you ever could be. Oh, and mom's been cheating on you with the guy who pumps gas at Esso. Fucker. Junior jumps up and leaves the table. Rocky turns to the sink, Adrian looking back at him with tears in her eyes. ADRIAN It's over, Rocky... It's over. ROCKY Eyyyyyooo, Age-rien, wwaaa waa wut dew yewe meean maan eye thouoght weee wuzz to beee toegehttr foreevrr, Arian. I-I-I ownlee hitt de kidd as hawdd azzz I coouuld tw-eye-ce, Ajrian... ADRIAN Eat my ass, fucker! You don't even care! She knees Rocky in the jewels and takes Junior and fucks off. ROCKY Waaaaaa I-I-I deww? CUT TO: INT - HOTEL ROOM Paulie, Junior and Adrian are sitting together, Paulie has Junior in his arms. PAULIE I know, kid, I know, he's an asshole, ever since he bought me that stupid fuckin' robot, I've wanted to blow his head off! ADRIAN The worst thing is is that you were the one to get him to the top, then he blamed YOU for giving away all his money when he really took it out and spent it all on cheap booze, Mexican porn and lost the rest in a dice game. She falls into Paulie's arms, crying. PAULIE I'll make it better, sis, I swear to God. Paulie swigs some whiskey, then throws the bottle into the wall. JUNIOR Uncle Paulie, I wish... I wish you could just go over there and beat his ass. I can't, my arms are still broken from the last beating. PAULIE I fuckin' could, kid. I tought that cocksmoker everything he knows. Mick was just another homo he was feeling up, I did all the real training. You know what, I'm gonna call Union Kane. CUT TO: INT - PRESS CONFERENCE HALL A massive crowd is on hand to hear Union Kane speak. Either that or they're just there to admire his huge black cock which is hanging out of his pants. UNION KANE Ladies and Gentlemen, This here is a formal challenge, man to man, for the fight to end all fights! My friends, I am issuing a CHALLENGE on behalf of Paulie to fight "The Italian Stallion" Rocky Balboa in the Carolina Beach area of North Carolina, we're talking the "SMACKING OUT THE QUEER ON CAPE FEAR!" BOXING MATCH to be held LIVE on the 30th of June! Flashbulbs flash and the media tries to mob Union Kane as he steps down from the podium. Paulie and Junior step up to the stand. PAULIE That's right, I'm issuing a challenge to YOU, Rock, I want your ass in CAPE FEAR. And, NOT in that gaymosexual way you'd like it to be! Yeah, that's right, world, Rocky Balboa is a 'mo! JUNIOR Come on Dad, you fucking slurring cocksucker, let's see you beat Uncle Paulie the man who made you what you are today! The two step down from the podium. UNION KANE This press conference is over! Paulie winks at a skank in the front row and probably rammed her ass later that night. CUT TO - INT - PRESS CONFERENCE HALL Rocky is up at the podium, barely able to keep his balance 'cause he's all brain damaged and shit. ROCKY (MOSTLY UNINTELLIGIBLE) Eyyehaajdoooooo deeeeee gfreeegoooo gdraarginn dee frarrg nnnn dee Paaawwliie nnn Ajrrian nnnn Jewwwwniieerr weeeen deee cllaorrjin dee flerrr fllarrk 'nnn deee heead maaaan IIII eeexceeptt ddatt challendgee. Rocky steps off the podium. No one really cares 'cause he's a child beater and a gay. CUT TO: INT - GYM Paulie is seen mounting a chick in the ring, making her jizz fly across and hit the turnbuckle. He then swills some whiskey and grabs her by the hair, tossing her out of the ring. She leaves in tears. He starts punching a punching bag, shuffling his feet. "Eye of the Tiger" begins to play. PAULIE Stick and move, Paul! Stick and move! YEAH! MONTAGE: Paulie lays some jabs into the bag, moving it with a violent force. He jumps out of the ring, starts doing some laps, with each lap finished pounding back another mickey of vodka. He jumps rope, does push-ups, sit-ups all the other training shit. He tries running up the steps of the Philedalphia Museum of Art, but gets tired half way, swigs some rum and calls it quits. CUT TO: INT - MICKEY'S OLD GYM Rock is working out, punching the bag, running and shit, blah blah, you've seen it in all 5 Rocky's and no one really cares anymore. Except this time he's using steroids and cocaine. Oh, wait he was on that when he took on Drago too. He's gay. CUT TO: CAPE FEAR AUDITORIUM 100,000 are in attendance to watch the greatest fight of all time. Fireworks go off and Paulie's theme music hits and he enters the ring, the crowd goes nuts. He has Bacardi product placement on his gloves. Then, Rock's theme plays and the boo-birds come out. Some guy even throws a toaster and it smacks Rocky upside the head. ROCKY Graarrrrgerrraflaaaaaajjjjjerrrrreeeeegleeer! Rock steps in the ring and he and Paulie stare down. REF I want a good clean fight. PAULIE Shut the fuck up, bastard. The bell rings and the two go toe to toe. Paulie lays into Rock with some jabs, then lands a big upper cut, dazing Rock, blood pouring out of his mouth, then lands in a few body shots. Rock tries to knee Paulie in the nads, so he jumps on top of him, the ref intervenes. MONTAGE: Various uppercuts, jabs, rights, lefts, bruising of Rocky's eyes, battering of his mouth, teeth lost, abs bruised. Rocky takes a shit kicking. The bell sounds and ends the round... round 1. They each go to their corner. Adrian takes out Paulie's mouthguard and junior gives him a shot of vodka. Rocky sits in his corner and starts talking. ROCKY (UNINTELLIGIBLE) Ehhhhyoooo eyeII'mmm getttin' killd ouuut derre. Glurrrr jerrr fleerrmyyy tooozzzdeeeer innnn deerr gleer flerr... But, the brain-dead fuck doesn't even have a manager and he is just talking to himself in the corner. The bell rings and round 2 starts, 100 000 people on their feet, knowing what's coming up. REF Let's get it on! PAULIE I'm not gay, ya fuck. Get back in the closet. Paulie walks into Rock and deliver's a major right to his chin, knocking him down to the canvas. REF 1,2,3,4,5,6,7... Rock gets up. ROCKY Glurrurgggaggbrllaooogeerrooobbeel Paulie lays him down with a left hook. REF 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8... Rocky gets up. Paulie winks at some hooker in the stands, motioning for her to call him. He turns around and catches Rock in the gut with a swift left, then lands a big uppercut to Rock's jaw, smashing it to pieces. Rock is out cold, bloody, a mess. TKO! RING ANNOUNCER THE WINNER... PAULIE!! The ring fills with media and Paulie backs up, hugging Junior and Adrian. They all lift Paulie up onto their shoulders and carry him out of the building, the Smirnoff flag waving on his shoulders. Som media jerkoff holds a mic up to Paulie's mouth and ask him how he's feeling. PAULIE I'M GREAT! ROCK ALWAYS WANTED ME TO GIVE HIM A SHOT IN THE MOUTH, NOW YA GOT IT, QUEERMO! HAHA! No one gives a shit about Rock, so he just lays in the ring for like 3 days and dies. THE END