Doom Asylum

It was on a cold night in November, 2003 when I first laid eyes on a horror movie that would soon change my life like no other. I was at my local Movie Gallery scoping chicks when out of the corner of my eye, a film caught my attention. It was Richard Friedman's DOOM ASYLUM, starring 1987 Penthouse Pet of the Year, Patty Mullen, Playboy centerfold, Ruth Collins, and future Sex in the City star, Kristin Davis. At first glance, it appeared to be your normal slasher flick with a kick-ass cover and a killer with a look that was a cross between Freddy Krueger and Leatherface, not to mention a pretty lame/great tagline of "It'll send shivers up your funnybone!". Of course, I'll buy any old ass out of print horror VHS (due to them ruling and shit), so I took it up to the counter with a massive boner and threw my $4.00 down to buy the flick (I got a discount for popping the old chick working the register; long story). I took the flick home (along with the old lady) and hoped for the best.

I put the movie in and will admit that I was a little worried. Filmed on location at a real abandoned asylum, the film was cheesy. Very cheesy. The title screen came on, jizzing the worst generic titles you'll ever see in your life with possibly the worst music in the history of cinema blazing loudly across my wicked 6000 watt surround system and 75 inch widescreen television. Soon enough, the two love birds in the flick, who coincidentally just screwed some people out of a ton of money, get in a car wreck and end up a couple of dead motherfuckers. They are taken to the hospital, dead as fuck, and a couple coroners start cutting the shit out of the man's face. Suddenly, the dude comes back to life and wonders where the love of his life is? When the coroners break the news to him that she had passed on, he starts stabbing the fuck out of them with a scalpel. Wild.

So, it's now about 10 years into the future, and (surprise), a bunch of teens are gonna go chill out and maybe bust a few nuts at the local abandoned asylum. Taunting the legend of "The Coroner" killing bitch ass kids at the asylum for years, the teens pull up in their suave fuckin' ride. Oh yeah, did I mention that one of the kids is the daughter of the woman who died in the car crash at the beginning? That's some fucked up shit. She starts crying about her mother and he clueless boyfriend tries to comfort her, allowing her to call him, "Mom." How sweet. Then, the dopey bastard tries to get a little tang and she shoots him down with possibly the best line in film history, "But, mom, that's incest!" If I was that guy, I'd have cuffed the bitch and left. Idiot.

So, they have their little picnic and hear some horrible music played by the local crazy ass slut-skank band who are all commie or some shit. The shit goes down and the cool kids get pissed off at the horrible music. This, in turn, starts a war. Kids stop dropping like flies by the hands (or bone saw) of the witty man they call The Coroner. Of course, the cool-my-shit-don't-stink kids all think the crazy ass slut rocking whores did this. Wrong. More and more of the teens are dispatched and made fun of after death with such lines as "Don't EVER call me honey", "I hate rap music", and "I wanted a Mickey Mantle" (Want to make sense of these? See the flick). It all leads to an exciting and thrilling climax that truly shocked the viewers and changed the slasher audience forever.

All in all, this is the funniest and cheesiest slasher movie that I've ever seen. And, believe me, I've seen more than a few bad ones. With all the great shit that happens, there is one scene that stands out, and it is honestly is my favorite scene in a cheese movie ever. The drummer of the band has to go take a squirt (it's pretty hot if you're into that), and looks for a bathroom. She spraypaints a bunch of shit on the walls and constantly chants, "The people, united, will never be defeated" until finding a can. She goes in only to be attacked by the dastardly Coroner. He pulls her over to a huge ass vat of acid and just as he's about to plunge her head into a fried doom, she tries to tell him she voted for Reagan. Now, The Coroner, being the ultra-cool homie he is, realizes the commie bitch is lying. So, as her head is boiling to fuck, some piece of American patriotic music plays and he pulls her boiled face up and says the best line in the movie...
"I respect your first amendment rights to the political beliefs of you choice... but I don't necessarily agree!" BITCHIN'.

Of course, I'm Canadian, so fuck the States. Although it appears as though I'm making fun of this flick, I really honestly enjoyed it. The Coroner was a decent killer and the atmosphere of the abandoned asylum was pretty good, but they could have utilized it a lot better. But, on their shoestring budget, they probably didn't have the cash for decent lighting to film at night. Gore isn't plentiful, but there's just enough blood to make it decent. Kills by power drill to the head, stabbings with scalpel, head in tub of acid and more cool shit that I won't get into here. A nice big set of titties too. See this movie. 77 mins. 1987. Rated R. Horror/Comedy.