Part 1
Morning came with brilliant flashes of light dancing across the room I'd hated living in all month. That stupid apartment looked like the best place on earth. It smelled like Benji. It smelled like sex and it looked the part too. The best part was, Benji, my fiancé. I couldn't believe that. My fiancé, Benji was my fiancé.

He shifted sleepily under the covers. I got out of bed feeling better than I had in months and very naked. I walked across the room towards my suitcase, open against the opposite wall, and stopped. I leaned down to Benji's bag instead. I pulled one of his black shirts from it's tight place between shorts and socks. Some socks flew out of the bag with the force and underneath I found a small gray velvet box. I wasn't stupid. I know what those boxes house. I dropped the shirt and opened it.

The ring inside was absolutely breathtaking. Dainty, pretty, not gaudy in the slightest. A solitaire princess cut diamond in platinum. I slipped it on my ring finger and it fit to the tee. I admired the tiny ring on my hand, the silver colored band looked great against my pink/white skin. I slipped Benji's shirt over my head and his nicest pair of boxers, loving the feeling of "wearing" Benji. I stood back up and looked at him.

Benji groaned, mumbling something about not wanting to go to the radio show. I smiled and kissed the bottom of his foot. It was the only part of him I could find in the tangle of blankets and sheets. He half shivered, half giggled and I shut the door quietly behind me as I went down the brief hallway to the kitchen. I felt like cooking. A nice big meal, something the neighbors could smell and would be jealous of.

I opened my fridge hoping I'd find edibles. My snacking habits were out of control and I worked so much food was scarce. Unfortunately, I had a half finished bottle of Coke, some ketchup packets, week old pizza, and something resembling salad of some kind. The pantry wasn't much better; stale potato chips, a loaf of bread, package of Oreo's, and a box of golden grams. In the freezer I found a surprise tub of cool whip and sausage links, that I figured I must have bought for some reason and forgot what it was. I didn't even have coffee.

Disaster. I try to make a nice breakfast for Benji and I've got cold pizza. I propped my elbows on the counter and leaned my chin in my hands. Across the room I saw the fruit basket sent to me from Sony. Wonderful! Fruit could be breakfast. With cool whip it can be sexy breakfast. And with toast and sausage it was a well rounded breakfast.

I began frying sausages on the stove and it smelled delicious. I hoped Benji could smell it down the hall and that he wake up and help me finish making it. I fondly remembered making breakfast in the kitchen back home at 3am, when I'd have an early call to the set. Benji and I would get up early and make french toast or bagels and always coffee. Benji would kiss me goodbye, or sometimes drive me to the set, when we were finished. I smiled as I pushed the sausages around the pan, catching a glimpse of the glitter on my finger.
***
I smelled the sausages first and my primal I-want-meat senses were awakened. Being vegan or vegetarian was fine, but the call of the wild got to me and I really wanted sausage. Sausages with eggs, with toast. Yummy, yummy sausage.

I got out of bed, tossing the covers into a big messy tangle. I went to my bag in the corner and put on some clean boxers. I grinned remembering the ring tucked away in my bag. I'd go and give it to her right now over breakfast.

I moved over my boxers and socks and I couldn't find it. I tossed t-shirts around the room and nothing. The ring was gone. It was a nightmare. Where did it go, how could I do something as stupid as lose it?

I angrily pulled a wife beater over my head and headed down the hall towards the kitchen. The place wasn't as bad as Jessa made it out to be. I guess she had just been looking for some sympathy. I guess she just missed me and would rather be home than in an empty apartment. She hadn't even tried to make it less sterile; the walls were all still covered with model home style art, the place was pristine and smelled like paint. It still echoed. The only place that looked semi used was the bedroom (and even there Jessa hadn't unpacked), the bathroom, and the desk cluttered with shooting schedules, scripts, and few tapes.

The smell of sausage got stronger as I made my way towards the kitchen and almost made me forget I'd lost the ring. It wasn't like Jessa was gonna be mad about something she'd barely known about and never seen, but that was THE ring. I couldn't just pop over to Kay Jewelers and pick out another one.

Jessa was at the stove, humming her favorite Beatles song, I Will. I smiled and slung my arms around her waist from behind.

"Boo!"
"Morning babe." She pushed the sausages around the pan.

I squeezed her and kissed her cheek. That's when I saw it. The perfectly cut diamond ring I'd worked on for four whole months shining from Jessa's left hand. I briefly released her.

"W-Where did you get that?" I pointed to the ring.
"Oh." She suddenly blushed. "I found it in your bag. I couldn't resist. I just wanted to try it on. Now I don't wanna take it off."

I chuckled.

"Well you did it all wrong Jess." I grasped her hand and slid the ring off.
"What?" She turned to face me and looked at me puzzled as I kneeled down.
***
"What?" I turned around my butt against the warm stove, spatula still in my right hand.

Benji got down on bended knee properly and I felt happy tears welling up behind my eyeballs. He must know how cute he's being. He held up the ring in his right hand and held my hand with his left.

"Jessa, I love you more than you think that I do, that's saying a lot, but it's true. I don't know if you actually could make me happier, but could you try by wearing this ring and telling the world that you love me, too?"

I nodded, more like bobbed my head back and forth without thoughts in my head. I loved him. There wasn't a doubt in the world. Benji slipped it on my finger without another word.

"That's how it's done." He said standing up again.

I didn't know what to say. If I could speak that is.

Benji went on snooping around the kitchen. He found the little bowls of cut up fruit with whipped cream on top and stuck his finger in it.

"So, what's for breakfast?"

My thoughts came back to me.

"How long have…?"
"Like 4 months." Benji answered sucking whipped cream off his finger again. "Before your birthday."
"That long?"
"Yeah." Benji grinned. "I told you I was gonna marry you."

I smiled. He amazed me sometimes.

I served breakfast which consisted of oranges, bananas, grapes, and peaches covered in whipped cream; sausages; toast with butter and jelly out of the little packages you get at restaurants.

"So." I set a plate in front of Benji. "What do you think?"
"Were you out of Rice Crispies?" He looked up at me.
"Ya know, you don't have to eat." I started pulling away the plate, playfully.
"No." Benji grabbed my arm. "I'll eat. It smells good."

I grinned. "Good!"
"Good!" Benji repeated and flicked whipped cream at me.
"Hey!" I scooped some out of my bowl and smeared it on Benji's face.

He pulled me onto his lap. He held me from all the way around my back and licked whipped cream off my earlobe. I grinned and licked some off of his nose.

"Mmm." He moaned and held me closer, putting his chin up and kissing me.

He reached over and grabbed an orange wedge, dripping with melting cream and stuck it in between his lips. He moved forward again, pushing the exposed half of the wedge towards my mouth. Grabbing either end of the tiny orange between our lips, our mouths met in an outrageous citrus kiss. The tiny vessels of the orange burst between our tongues with a mix of juices and siliva. Benji pulled his mouth away slightly and sucked the remaining juice and cream from my lips.

"This is the best breakfast ever." He whispered.

I smiled and stood up to position Benji between my legs. I brought the bowl of fruit with me and held it firmly in place with my thighs. He picked up a banana halve and began to feed it to me. I let him slip it into my mouth slowly, giving him the visual I knew he wanted to see. I selected a peach slice, dipped it into the Cool Whip and poked it on his nose before slipping the peach into his mouth.

He went for another orange and stopped, instead grabbing a handful of the cream and testing it's weight in his hand as if threatening to throw it at me. I instinctively went for the grapes and let the cold spheres drop down the back of his shirt. Benji shivered in response and his hand dropped, tangling with my long hair and spreading whipped cream through out like cream rinse. I wrapped my hands further around his back and smushed the grapes at the base of his spine in retaliation.

"Hey!" Benji yelped and made a face. "Not fair, I gotta get naked now."

Benji tore his beater over his head wet grape stains on the back. I grabbed a few more cream covered grapes and smushed them to his chest. Benji was tickled and he giggled. He reached into the bowl and scraped the remaining Cool Whip from it and smeared it across my chest.

"Now take it off." Benji ordered.
I stuck out my tongue. "Make me." I taunted.
"Come on, you don't wanna stay dirty."
"You like me dirty." I teased.
"I like you naked!" Benji grinned.

I smiled and slowly crept his shirt up my body, exposing the skin on my stomach inch by inch.

"Take it off." Benji growled, semi angry. He tugged at the hem.

I finally complied. Benji gasped realizing I had only been wearing his shirt. The nearly empty bowl toppled out of our laps as he shifted his weight on the chair.

"You know what?" I stood up suddenly. I pushed the plates of untouched toast and sausage away and hopped up on the table. Benji grinned and stood up. He wrapped his arms around me and we kissed. I smiled impishly at Benji and gave him the eyes. I laid back, my back against the cool table top. My hair probably in the toast.

Benji pressed his weight over me and kissed my neck. The sun glimmering through the window made Benji appear to be shining. He was like an angel. It was like we were illuminated, like we were on stage under the spotlight. I intended for a good show.

So did Benji. He grabbed my untouched bowl of fruit and dumped it down my chest and naked stomach. It was cool and wet. He picked up pieces of oranges and banana, sucking them off my skin and licking the juices away. I tugged at the boxers I was wearing and raised my pelvis up into Benji's as I slipped them down my legs.

"Yeah, Benji…mmm…baby." I relaxed my body waiting for him.
"Wait." Benji stopped.
"Wait?"
"No, we can't."
"We can't?" I was so confused. "Benji?"
"No, Jess, not until we're married."
"Benj." I begged.

He shook his head and I sat up, swinging my legs on the edge of the table. His hard on was poking out of his boxers and I stretched my leg out so that my toes brushed his inner thigh.

"No." Benji shuttered oddly.

Then just like that he turned tail.
***
She was driving me crazy, making me forget about the rule. We couldn't. We promised. I backed away, but she touched her foot to my thigh, toes brushing my balls ever so slightly. I felt myself get even harder, funny how it really does have a mind of it's own. It senses the pussy. It wants it. It really can't help itself, but I had to do something.

"No." I said and walked to the bathroom.

I just had to finish and we'd be fine. I locked the door and Jessa promptly jiggled the handle. I sat on the closed toilet first, but this wasn't really something you could do sitting up. I laid down in the empty tub, instead, and stretched my legs. I pulled my boxers down to my ankles fully exposed to the ugly floral wallpaper.

Jessa banged on the door some more and I began. It wasn't right, so I squirted some of the strawberry smelling lotion she had on the ledge into my hand. That's better. I closed my eyes tight and drifted off to masturbation land where inhibitions were checked at the door.

"Benji, let me in please." Jessa pled. "Please baby? You know you wanna."

She was right, I did want to but I was a determined stubborn fool.

"BENJI!" She cried and I imagined it was a cry of passion. "Baby, I want you. Forget the stupid rule, Benji, I wanna fuck you."

Aaaahhh, that was good. Keep talking like that, Jess. I thought it but was too busy to say it out loud. I began moaning loudly, unable to hold it inside, like I did if other people were around.

"Nooo, Benj!" She pounded with both fists. "No, that's mine! Mine!"

I wanted to laugh the way she was being possessive. I went on furiously stroking coming ever closer. Jessa had given up, it seemed. Maybe she got the same idea. Thinking of Jessa doing…that was it I was gone. I was done.

I looked down and watched it fold down like a strange tower. My stomach was sticky, my hand moist and slick. I got myself out of the tub and stood up.

"Baby I need a towel." I yelled, noticing there weren't any in here.
"Just a-a m-m-minute."

I grinned.

Part 2
After I'd used a kitchen towel to clean up, I found Jessa on the bed with a blanket draped over her, eyes shut, exhausted. I laughed out loud.

"What?" She shot sarcastically, brown eyes popping open, hand emerging from the sheets.
"Nothing" I grinned and lied next to her on the bed.
"I gotta call my parents." She sat up, wrapping the blanket up to her armpits.
"Now?" I cocked my eyebrow. "You think about your parents, NOW??"

She smiled sweetly at me as I sat up.

"About the engagement, sweetie."
"Oh, right." I blushed.

Jessa picked up the phone and began dialing. She sniffed.

"You smell like strawberries." She turned at looked at me, then quickly went to the phone. "Hello? Rach?!"

Jessa grinned like crazy.

"Hey, God, I didn't know you were home? Where's Tay?…uh huh, oh…" Jessa gasped. "God, Rach, why didn't…I'm sorry…what about Lulu?…yeah…yeah!"

It made no sense to me. Sisters! Rachel was Jessa's oldest sister. She was a year younger than I was and as far as I had heard she and Jessa hadn't seen each other for a few years. She also had a 5 or 6-year-old daughter, Louise, Lulu for short, that Jessa had never seen, but sent Christmas and birthday presents to every year.

I decided it was best to let the hens cackle awhile and catch up. I was still hungry. It was already noon and I knew any minute Steve was gonna call and yell at me for not being at the venue. The show didn't start 'til 7 and we weren't on 'til like 9, but that didn't stop him from being a dick.

The kitchen was a mess. We'd really done a number. I ignored it and opened her fridge and found a box of Papa Johns pizza and even a little container of garlic butter. It was all about the garlic butter. I can't believe Jess didn't tell me she had pizza. I pulled out a few slices and sat down at the table, pulling one of the plates of sausages toward me as well. I took bite of sausage and Jessa was yelling at me across the apartment.

"What!?" I called back and took a large bite of pizza.
"C'mere." She yelled.
"What?" I said again, coming into the bedroom, slice in hand.

She held out the phone. Oh no, I was not talking to her parents. I'd suffered enough the one time I had to meet them. Jessa's father bore holes in my skin the way he kept leering at my tattoos and her mom asked a lot of strange questions like why I decided on the lifestyle I had, why did I have so many tattoos, what kinda childhood did I have, how long did I have the piercings, WHY did I have the piercings, what did my grandfather do, did I have siblings, what's 474 divided by 60????? The woman talked so much I quickly understood why Jessa's dad never said anything, I mean his wife NEVER shut up.

"It's Rachel!" Jessa urged.

I wiped my hand on my boxers and took the phone, hoping to God, that Rachel had inherited the quiet gene.

"Hello?"
"So, you're Mr. Jessa?" she asked. And I laughed, sense of humour had obviously been inherited.
"Yeah."
"Seeing as the 'rents aren't home the buck passes to me. So, I guess, I'm welcoming you to the family." Rachel sounded so much like Jessa. "Welcome, Benji."
"Thanks."
"Listen, I don’t know you and I'm not gonna pretend to judge you over the phone. My parents, well, I've asked them about you and they aren't…"
"Too happy?"
"No hey, they're happy you're not Dylan. They like you, they do. They see you're a decent man and how much Jessa loves you, but…"
"Rachel.."
"I just want you to know…Jessa hasn't been the same since she met you. I mean, with Dylan…She let herself get stomped all over, controlled almost. Jessa's ten times the girl she used to be. And we have you to thank." Rachel was quiet. "So thanks."
"Well I love her, ya know?" I sighed and looked over at Jessa as she rummaged my clothing and selected one of the many made shirts. Jessa turned at my words and grinned.
"So…Lulu, not…hey! Um, I gotta go Benji. See ya, tell Jess I said…LULU!" She yelled. "Tell her I love her, bye."

She hung up and so did I. Wearing my Made shirt and nothing else but underwear, Jessa looked questioningly at me.

"Lulu drama." I explained. "She sends her love."

Jessa continued dressing and stuffed the remainder of my slice in my mouth. Jessa's cell phone rang from the bedside table, next to the real phone.

"Answer it, could you, babe?" Jessa asked, heading into the bathroom with a handful of hair.

I glanced at the phone and saw "Dylan" flashed across the screen. I swallowed.

"Hello?" I answered stoically.
"Hello?" Dylan seemed confused. "Jessa's phone?"
"Yeah, it is, what's up?" I asked.
"Um, where's Jess?"
"Busy, can I help you?"
"I wanna talk to Jess."
"Too bad."
"Is this Benji?"
"Yeah, I'm Benji." I wished he were here so I could kick his ass.
"Oh…um…"
"That all you can say? Feeling a little guilty trying to steal someone else's girlfriend?" I gritted my teeth.
"Where's Jess?" He sounded annoyed.
"Sleeping, we were fucking all night long, she's tired." I have no clue what made me say that, but I wanted Dylan to go away, to never talk to Jessa again.
Dylan laughed. "I doubt that."
"You're calling me a liar!?" I was getting more angry every passing second.
"Maybe. What are you gonna do about it?" Dylan taunted.
"Listen to me. Jessa's with me now. I don't care what you had before or what you think you have now, but Jessa's in love with me. We're getting married."
"Married!?"
"Yeah, married. I asked her and she said yes"
"But…"
"But what?"
"I thought…"
"You thought what, motherfucker? That you were gonna convince her to leave me. You thought you were gonna fuck her again, don't you?"

Dylan was quiet.

I laughed openly. "Why would Jess fuck you instead of me? It kills you that she's with me doesn’t it? That I get to sleep with her, huh? She's so good too. I'm sure you remember. You do, don't you? Too bad. She fucks me now, she kisses me, she even sucks me..."
"Benji?" Jessa startled me.

I looked up, I must look guilty.

"Who's on the phone?" She asked with a cocked eyebrow.

I couldn't even talk. I held the phone out to her. She brought it to her ear.
***
What the fuck was he talking about? "We were fucking all night"? "She sucks me."? He just handed me the phone without a word.

"Hello?"
"Jess!" It was Dylan.

That explained a lot. I stared at Benji, he had his head down.

"What?"
"Are you really…You…"
"What Dylan? Yes, I fuck Benji, you moron." Benji lifted his head and smiled I glared and he put his head down again.
"No, I mean…you're getting married?"
"Yes, I am." I said plainly.
"That's really…um…gr-great, really." Dylan said hesitantly.
"You know what?"
"What?"
"You're a horrible liar!" I smirked.

Dylan laughed.

"I'm happy for you though, really I am. Even if it is to…"
"Shut up, Dylan. I already told you, I don't like it when you talk like that."
"Benji's a lucky guy." Dylan said, earnestly.

I grinned and looked at Benji.

"Nah, I'm the lucky one." I touched Benji's stubbly cheek and he grinned up at me.
"I'll let you get back to whatever it is you two do." Dylan said.
"Wouldn't you like to know?" I laughed. "Later." I hung up my phone.

I sighed and sat next to Benji. Benji sighed.

"So, how's, um, D-Dylan?"
"Was it really necessary to tease him?"
"I’m sorry. Just thinking about…you…with him…it just…"
"Well, get over it because it happened, alright!"
"I'm sorry, Jessa. I just wanted some kind of ammunition against the guy."
"You didn't need to. Benji, you don't have anything to fear with him, okay?"
"I know, but you talk with him and he makes you laugh and…"
"Chris makes me laugh too, but you haven't kicked him out of the band. And what about Lilly? Maybe we'll go lesbian and run away together!"

Benji laughed and blushed. Realizing how ridiculous he was being.

"Listen baby, you are the only one I want. You're not in competition with Dylan, but he is my friend, and you're just gonna have to get used to that." I explained to him.
"Well…he, he doesn't have to be at the wedding does he? Because I don't know if I could handle that."
"Oh shit, we gotta think about all that stuff now. Flowers, churches, dresses?" I made a face. "Couldn't have like a barbecue? I can handle that, burgers and a cheesy garage band singing 'Always and Forever'."
"You don't wanna real wedding?" Benji stared at me. "With like a church and stuff?"
"It's not that im-…" I began shaking my head then looked at Benji's drooping face. My eyes went wide. "You do, don't you?"

Benji blushed.

"You want a big wedding with all the bells and whistles, don't you?" I giggled. "That's why you… Aww, baby, I had no idea."
"What?" Benji's face was red as a tomato.
"You're so traditional." I grinned. "That's so cute."

I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his cheek.

"If Dylan's gonna make you uncomfortable then we won't invite him. It's your day, Benj." I joked.

If it was possible, Benji's blush deepened, and he buried his face in my shoulder.

"So how long have you been planning your wedding, Benji?" I grinned.
"Shut up, Jess." He said defensively.
"Ooh, touchy." I squeezed him again and smiled at him.

After a beat he smiled back. He got up to put some clothes on and his phone started ringing. He reached for it in the pocket of his pants on the floor, but I grabbed a leg and got the phone myself.

"Maybe it's one of your ex-girlfriends." I grinned. "Hello?" I tossed the pants to Benji.

"Hey Stevie!"

Benji laughed while examining his pants. They had to be REALLY dirty before he wouldn't wear them.

"Benji, you mean Mr. Madden, he's right here. Hang on a minute." I looked over at Benji. "Mr. Madden do you wish to speak to Mr. Marshall?"

He peeked through the tiny hole where his top button used to be.

"Take a message, Maria." He laughed, I rolled my eyes, I didn't even know he knew that song.
"What's up Steve?"

Steve yelled at me over the phone.

"Chill out, he's getting dressed and then we'll be right over." I said, and Steve continued to harp. "Steve, c'mon give him a little slack. He hasn't seen his girlfriend in like a month…uh huh, uh huh….Well it's all my fault. Yup, all my fault. The minute I saw him I jumped on him and didn't let him go. He's been my prisoner for the past 18 hours."

Steve finally laughed. Benji grinned at me across the room and searched for something to wear.

"We'll see ya in a little while then. Bye Steve." I hung up. "Steve's so tight, man. Why in hell's name did you hire him?"
"After Steve, the other Steve, left we needed a quick fix. His name was Steve, so it made it easy for us to remember his name. It just kinda sucks that he's the label's little puppy dog, but he keeps us on target. We've sold more records."
"There's my boy, all about the bank!"
"You're expensive, my darling." Benji pulled out a pair of dark blue jeans.
"Ooh, I like those!"
"Yeah?" Benji held them against his body.
"Fab-U-lous!" I shouted.

Benji grinned and started putting them on. I picked up the house phone and dialed.

"Who are you calling now?" Benji slipped a clean shirt over his head.
"Adriana." I waited through the rings.
"Morning." A sleepy male answered.
"Chad?!"

Part 3
"J?" He sounded odd.
"Did I dial you on accident? I'm sorry."
"Were you calling Adri?" he asked.
"Yeah." I answered, growing curious. "Are you at her house? What are you doing at my sister's at 9 in the morning??"

Adriana had admitted that they did a little more than "chat" that night in San Francisco (while I was asleep on the chaise I might add), and I knew that they had stayed in contact when he was on the road. As far as I had known they were barely seeing each other.

"Um…" was his answer. "Here, talk to Adriana."
"Hello? Jessa?" I could hear my younger sister shifting.
"Adriana? Why's…Why is… Chad there?"
"Um…"
"Adriana?!" I took a reprimanding tone, but I was confused more than anything.
"He..he, um…he live-lives here, sorta."
"He what?! Since when?"
"Um, like February."
"February!" I was shocked. "Why, why didn't you tell me?"
"It didn't seem important"
"Didn't seem IMPORTANT??! Adriana, you're living with a guy!"
"Adriana's living with somebody?" Benji sat down next to me.
"Uh huh." I slipped the receiver away from my ear. "Chad."
"Chad?! Our Chad?" Benji was as surprised as I was.

I put my ear back on the phone. I could hear Chad and Adriana on the other end.

"Is she freaking out?" Chad asked.
"She's telling Benji."
"Is HE freaking out?"
"Chad, I think you're freaking out." Adriana told him sarcastically.
"I know we said we'd just be honest…when…when the time came, but baby…"

I held the phone between Benji and my ears and we listened to them. We could hear them smack their lips together.

"We'll do it the way we planned." Adri told him.
"Okay." Chad said warily.
"Jessa?" Adriana turned her attention back to me.
"Aww, how cute." I cooed. "Give Chad the phone."
"H-hello?" Chad was actually afraid of me. ME!

I could play with that.

"Motherfucker! How long have you been sleeping with my sister?" I began.
"I…um…I…Jessa, see…"
"You sleep with my sister and suddenly you think you can use my whole name?"
"J, listen…"
I laughed, hysterically. "I'm playing with you Chad."
"It's okay?"
"Of course it's okay. I'd rather you be her boyfriend than her one night stand."
"You're not mad?"
"Mad? Chad, how could I be?" I grinned. "It's great, really, just don't surprise me like that."
"Okay, I promise"
"Alright, now I have something to tell my sister."

Adriana got on the phone again.

"Jess? You really aren't mad?"
"Nope."
"Oh, good." Adriana sighed. She was so relieved.
"Listen, I, um, have some news." I looked at Benji and he grasped my hand. "We're, we're getting married."
"What! OH MY God! But I thought…nevermind, oh my God!"

Adri must be jumping for joy on the other end. It made me want to jump and giggle and act stupid. Benji phone started ringing again. He stood up.

"Yeah?" He answered, annoyed.
"Jess, you have to tell me everything!" Adriana said excitedly.
"Shit. I'll be right there." Benji sighed and hung up. He turned towards me. "Are you coming with me?"

I put my finger up to signal, as Adriana and I kept talking. Benji sat next to me and put his hands on my hips.
***
"Baby, I want you to come with me." I kissed her cheek.
"Uh huh, it was so cute." She was still talking to Adriana. She turned to me. "Okay. Hey Adri, I'm…what? Yeah, yeah. Who else?"
"Baby, I gotta go." I urged and kissed her again.

She continued blabbing so I kissed her full on the lips and she squealed with alarm.

"Baby!" she slapped my arm as I grinned.
"Should I let you go?" I could hear Adriana.
"Yes, you should." I shouted and ended their estrogen charged conversation. "Let's go a car's coming."
"Who do you think you are?" She pretended to glare
"Yo' man, biatch." I said with ghetto-tude
"Cocksucker!" Jessa returned, grabbing essentials (with included a sketchbook, wallet, phone and a video tape) and stuffing them in a bag.
"Only Tony."
"Eww, Benji, that's…eww." She made a face as we locked the door behind us. I laughed.

"Your carriage awaits…" I motioned to the car pulling up, gotta love the minions. "Biatch." I added as we got inside.
***
A refrigerator opened the door to the sleek black SUV and used his other giant hand to open the back door to the radio studio for Benji and I.

"Ma'am." He tilted his smooth black head to me, I wanted to reach out and kiss it. I smiled at him as Benji gently pushed me forward at the small of my back. Security guards had a way of making me feel like a princess.

"Take the stairs at the end of the hall on the left. 2nd floor." The fridge directed.
"Thank you." I smiled warmly.
"Thanks." Benji nodded.

We followed the long corridor of gray walls, occasionally accentuated with posters of pop stars and concerts alike. The stairs were cold metal, and reminded me of Halloween II when Jamie Lee Curtis was in that dark hospital. Benji grabbed my hand and led me up the stairs. I really loved when he did that. Took my hand and took the lead. It made me feel safe, protected, secure. It felt like he knew what he was doing and he was gonna meet whatever danger came, first, before it had a chance to come after me.

A little fairy tale on my behalf, but I didn't care. Once and a while it was nice to lose yourself in the illusion of fantasy. Make things greater than they were. Benji was my hero, my superman, my Han Solo. Yeah, I liked that. Benji was Han Solo and I was Leia, both waif-like and strong. Joel was Luke and maybe Paul was Chewbacca. Billy could be C-3PO and Chris, R2-D2. I smiled to myself.

It was Joel's high pitched giggle laugh that told me we were headed the right way. I could see the 'gang' up ahead. Joel grinned when he saw us and waved his hands furiously over his head, as if we couldn't see all 5 of them cowered in the hall blocking traffic from either side.

"Benji!" Joel called.
"Jessa!" Chris ran towards me and nearly toppled me over as Benji let go of my hand and he hugged me. he squeezed me so tightly I felt my lungs pressed against the muscles in my chest. I could hardly breathe.

Chris released me and put his arm around my shoulder as we walked down the hall, he grinned like a maniac.

"Hi Chris." I finally said.
"Hi, Jessa. I missed you."

I smiled but Chris just stared at me with his large childlike eyes. Hardly blinking. I couldn't help it, I snorted out a laugh and it made Benji turn around and stare at me.

"Where the hell have you been?" Steve appeared. "You're already late. C'mon, they're all ready, c'mon."

I thought Steve was gonna pee his pants. He ushered the band inside the studio, directing them into the swivel chairs in front of microphones and headphones.

"Hi Jessa." He smiled and motioned me into the 'viewing' room.

The show was called "Rock 'n' Roll Lunch hour" and the DJ's were both prime examples of faces for radio; bad style, horrible complexion, and a beer belly. One called Cris (is there a radio station that DOESN'T boast a 'Cris'?) had his long dishwater blond hair in a pony tail and the wore a purple t-shirt proclaiming, FBI, Female Body Inspector. The younger one, Dave (oh the clichés keep coming), had short spiky hair with a blue spot on one side (oh so reminiscent of a certain someone) and a bad goatee. He also had tattoos down his right arm (guess he's waiting for pay day to do the other sleeve) and a pierced nose.

But both Dave and Cris shook every band members hand and thanked them for coming to the studio, so I guess they were okay guys. They just happened to have cheese syndrome, where they couldn't speak intelligently when the on-air signal came on. God forbid an intellectual conversation hit the FM airwaves.

Benji had his hands folded in front of him, politely waiting for the show to begin. I thought he looked cute. Joel wasn't looking his best, he hadn't shaved and his clothes were slept in. he coughed and the show began.

"Welcome back to the Rock n' Roll lunch hour with Cris and Dave, we're joined by Good Charlotte. Say hi"
"Hey" "hi" "hello Toronto!"
"So, I think our listeners deserve and explanation as to why Good Charlotte was late today." Cris began.
"It was all Benji's fault." Joel laughed.
"Benji was with his girlfriend." Paul taunted.

They played a "boing" sound effect. The guys laughed.

"That's right, you're going out with Jessa Casablancas. I can see her across the studio folks and let me just tell ya…" Cris continued, leering at me through the glass, and played an "oh yeah" sound effect.
"She's smokin', dude." Dave agreed.
"Yeah, thanks." Benji replied modestly.
"No, I mean I don't know if the guys out there have seen her." Dave went on.

I rolled my eyes. I should've stayed home, next these guys are gonna take calls about it. Benji must be dying in there.

"She was on TRL and she had a small part in your video for um, that one song, didn't she?" Cris asked.
"Powerless." Joel was starting to get annoyed, but he hid it in his voice.
"So what’s it like having such a hot girlfriend, Benji?" Cris asked.

Benji was obviously uncomfortable, he didn't say anything. I shook my head.

"Aww, he's shy folks." Cris played an "awww" sound effect.
"Come on, dude." Joel pressed, politely.
"I don’t wanna talk about this." Benji said seriously and quietly
"I bet she's not as innocent as she looks, eh, Benj! Probably a demon in the sack, huh?" Dave's eyebrows bobbed up.

I couldn't believe he said that. Benji and I covered our face with our hands at the same time, turning bright red. They played another sound effect, this time a loud "ooh, aah" sound.

"WHOO-HOO, look at that rock!" Dave shouted.
"Sorry to tell ya ladies but it looks like Benji's taken." Cris intoned.
***
Holy fuck! I knew I didn't want to come to this stupid radio show. Who did they think they we're? Joel, Chris, Paul and Billy were all staring at me. I hadn't even had a chance to tell them.

"Engaged huh?" Dave asked me.
What could I do? They had me completely cornered. "Yes, I am."
"Well there you go, it's official, straight from the horse's mouth. Benji Madden is getting married." He announced. Fuck!

They started playing 'Here comes the Bride'. I was silent. I was not amused and didn't try to hide it.

"More with Good Charlotte, after a break here on Toronto's only place to place to rock, WZXY." The on-air signal turned off.
"You stupid fuck!" I screamed, standing up, unable to control my temper. "Who do you think you are? I'm here about my band! And all you wanna talk about is how hot my girlfriend is."
"Benji, chill out." Billy said calmly.
"No, how'd you like it for some stupid DJ to announce you're getting married over the air before you had a chance to tell anyone."
"Sit down, Benji." Steve put his hand on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry man, I saw an opportunity." Dave looked apologetically at me and added. "Congratulations."
"Whatever." I sat back down with my arms crossed.
"We cool?" the DJ asked.
"NO, we're not."

I spun my chair and looked at Jess on the other side of the glass. She frowned at me and shrugged. I kept my arms crossed in a pout. She made eyes at me, casually teasing me. I couldn't help the smile that formed on my lips. Suddenly, Jessa turned away and glanced in her bag.
***
Stupid fucking phone! Ruining my Benji moment. That phone ruined all my moments.

"Hello?"
"Jessa Marie Casablancas!" It was Alex.
"What?"
"Jessa? You have to tell me these things." Obviously Alex had been listening to the radio.
"Don't you understand the press is going to eat you alive. Here's what I want you to do…"
"Alex…"
"Jessa please, people need to like you. The marriage thing could be great…"
"The marriage thing? Alex, I'm not getting married for my image. I'm getting married because I love him."

Alex sighed.

"I know. I'm sorry." She sighed again. "I…you're right. It's not about anybody else, but people will ask about it now. It makes you interesting. You're in a "high profile" relationship."
"Oh please."
"You ARE. Benji's in a world famous band, you're a well-known director…they eat this stuff up."
"Great, just great."
"Could you do something then?"
"What?"
"Go into the studio…"
"NO. No, I refuse to give into their games and give them what they want. I'm not going to use my relationship to further my career. It's not going to hurt it to stay quiet."
"It'll just make them talk, Jessa. Start rumours." Alex warned. I could almost see her shaking her head.
"Well, isn't that what you want? For people to talk about me. Get my name out there. If I talk or not, it's gonna light up across the board that I'm engaged to Benji Madden."

Alex didn't say anything. For a little while.

"Alex?" I heard her sniff as if she were crying.
"He's laughing." I heard her say sadly. She was crying.
"Who's…" I looked up seeing Joel on the other side of the glass, grinning.
"Well girlfriends can be that way." Joel was joking with a fan who had called in.
"Look, do whatever you want. You can handle yourself." Alex said.
"Alex, hey, Joel…"
"I have to go." Alex slammed the phone down.
***
The radio show ended and Benji hadn't said much else. In fact you could count it on your fingers; "uh huh", "We're ready", "Yeah", "Sure", and "This is Good Charlotte and when we're in Toronto we love listening to WZXY." The last bit was the station ID that the whole band did, they also endorsed the "Rock 'n' Roll Lunch" showgram, but Benji kept his mouth shut during it. He was still pissed I could tell.

"So were you gonna tell us Benj, or were we supposed to guess?" Joel smirked.
"I'm sorry. Everything got rushed and then that asshole just blurted it out."
"He's not an asshole, Benji." Joel tried to keep his brother calm. "It was no big deal."
"Of course it was. That was our announcement to make and he took that away from us."
"Well congratulations anyway." Billy gave Benji a pat on the back.
"Welcome to the club." Paul grinned.

Both Joel and Paul slung an arm around either of my shoulders. They both grinned at me. I blushed. Chris took Benji's hand and pumped it up and down.

"Good show, good show." Chris cheered.
"Uh, thanks Chris." Benji said, surprised.
"You realize this is going to come up in every interview from now on, don't you?" Steve looked Benji seriously in the eye.
"Yeah." Benji rolled his eyes.
"But you don't have answer anything if it makes you uncomfortable." Steve assured.
"Tell Alex that." I piped up.

Joel made a strange grimace. I cocked my head and squeezed his side. He looked down at me and shook his head. I leaned my head against him sympathetically and curled my finger to him, inviting him to lean closer.

"Things will get better." I whispered to him. "Believe me." And I looked at Benji.
***
She made eyes at me, eyes filled with pure untethered love and devotion. Devotion to me despite being tangled in my younger brother. It coaxed all my passion from within to rise to the surface and I blushed deeply. I was afraid I'd get a hard on in the hallway.

"C'mere." I seized her hand and drew her to me. I kissed her, sight to be seen by all my bandmates, my brothers. Jessa gasped against my lips, allowing my tongue to delve into her mouth.

When I finished a look of shock laced her pretty features. I'd stunned her to a loss of words for the second time that day. I took her hand as we left the building. I was no longer angry about the radio show. I was elated. Jessa and I were going to be married. I was ready to show to the world that she was my one and only. That she always would be. I was ready to tell anybody about how much I loved her. Ready to take on any critic or nay-sayer. Ready…for anything.

Part 4
We'd been engaged for 2 whole months. 2 months filled of absolute emptiness. Benji and the rest of Good Charlotte left Toronto after their show. I had to get back to work on my film. My two day Benji escapade had fucked me up and now there was paparazzi, too. I went to pump gas down the street from my apartment in Toronto and they were there, asking if they could take pictures of the ring. It was a real annoyance.

Alex wasn't helping either. For the first time ever I realized how important a publicist/agent was. When she told me I could handle myself, she meant it. Except for a few phones calls to remind me about interviews, she stayed out of my hair. In every sense, professionally and personally. I was still pretty clueless about the Alex/Joel situation. They seemed to be okay. No major changes in relationship, except that they had stopped being so very affectionate and they didn't talk very much.

I wished she would talk to me. I felt so out of the loop with all of my friends. Every time I had a moment to stop I overheard snippets of conversations like "Billy and Carly…moving…" and "Xander said…", "Chad and I…" I wanted to stop. I wanted to enjoy gossip for a bit, not be the gossip. I was so tired. Over-tired.

At the moment, I was back home, leaving a very doubtful meeting with some higher ups at Sony. I was going over-budget. I was supposed to get the money we needed and wrap production in Barcelona, Spain in 3 weeks. Meanwhile, Benji had a different talk show to do everyday, in between demoing songs in the basement and he and Joel preparing a new line of Made clothing. I felt like a pure beam of energy. I never slowed down. Never had time to stop and smell the roses. I missed my dogs, I missed my friends, my family, my fiancée.

I picked up my phone and dialed Benji.

"Sorry, I'm not answering your calls." Benji's voice mail came on.
"Damn it." I murmured and hung up, tossing my phone in the passengers seat. I hoped Benji was at home. I was worried sick over not having enough money (and faith) for my movie to get completed. I was tired and my body ached, but I had a night with no plans and I hoped Benji and I could order a pizza and just cuddle up on the couch with a movie.

I got home I heard Cash and Len barking from the backyard. Tony's Jeep was parked on the street and Benji's Escalade was in the driveway. I grinned and practically jumped out of the car. A barbecue with friends sounded kinda good too. I was suddenly very hungry.

"Baby." I called when I entered the house. No one answered and I went to the kitchen. Above the door to the basement the red light was lit, which meant they were in the basement recording. Benji finally had it soundproofed. I gave him a few more minutes and went in search of something really unhealthy.

I was halfway through my second peanut butter and jelly sandwich when, Benji and Tony came back upstairs, closely followed by Renee.

"Hey, baby, I didn't know you were home." Benji kissed my cheek.
"I wug hngny" I said through a mouth full of sandwich and I picked up a potato chip and ate that too. I was eating like a pig, but I didn't care I was starving.
"Um, okay." Benji wagged his eyebrows. "We were thinking of getting something to eat, but…"
"No it's okay." I finished and wiped my hands on a napkin. "I'm still hungry."
"But you just finished a sandwich." Benji widened his eyes.
"Actually I had two." I said.
"TWO?" Renee gasped, her blue eyes were wide.
"Yeah." I suddenly felt very ashamed and looked at my hands.
"It's okay." Benji put his arm around my shoulder.
"No. I'm not hungry." I suddenly felt like crying.

I walked away from all of them and went into the living room.

"Hey, Jessa, I didn't mean anything…" Renee shrugged sitting next to me on the couch.
"You're just hungry, maybe it's like stress. I mean I see it all the time at the hospital. Girls who think that eating it the only thing in their lives they can control. It's not like your fat, Jess."

I crossed my arms.

"I don't think I'm fat. I don't have an eating disorder Renee!" I sneered angrily.
"Hey." Tony glared at me. "She's just trying to help."
"Well maybe she shouldn't." I made another face. "You're not even a nurse yet."
"Well excuuuuuuse me!" Renee shouted and took off out the door.

Tony watched his wife tear out the door and turned to glare at me.

"What is your problem?" He yelled.
"What?"
"You know what? She's really trying." He got angrier. "Renee really looks up to you, ya know? You're her best friend and you treat her like shit."

I rolled my eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at me. I'm sick of seeing it Jessa. I'm sick of comforting Renee because she feels like she's not good enough. You make her feel so down about herself and you call yourself her friend!" Tony shouted at me.

I was dumbfounded. I had no idea. Renee must really hate me.

"Ren's intelligent, she's not some stupid slut, but she's not you, because your so perfect aren't you, Jessa? You really think you're better than her don't you? Well you're wrong, because Renee is a true friend and she defends you no matter how bad you make her feel, but I won't stand for this anymore. You superior bitch." Tony got in my face, spitting on me as he spoke. Benji stood stone faced by his friend and pulled him away from me.

"Stop now." He commanded.
"You fucking bitch, you don't even have anything to say…"
"Stop right now, Tony, I'm serious." Benji said louder. I was beginning to cry.
"Yeah, cry, bitch, because you know it's true, you're guilty." I ran upstairs to the safety of our bedroom. I curled into myself on the bed and cried.
***
"Tony, go home, now." I roared and Tony stared at me. "I'm fucking serious Tony, go home!"

I unhanded Tony and he headed out the door, looking back once more and sneering. I gave him a threatening look. This was too much, Tony going off on Jessa like that. I went upstairs and into our bedroom.

"Jessa." I came into the room and heard Jessa whimper, "Oh baby, don't cry."
***
I was looking at the calendar on the wall. Trying to count the days until I had to go to Barcelona, desperately trying not to think about Tony yelling at me, about Renee secretly hating me.

"What's today?" I asked, my voice wavering.
"24th." Benji answered, putting his hands on my shoulders.

I looked over the calendar again. Wow, the month was nearly over. I froze.

"The twenty-fourth?" I asked, guilt and fear being quickly replaced with awe.
"Yeah," Benji put his arms around me and looked concerned.

I counted the days 2 more times to make certain.

"Jess, what is it?" he started to sound scared.

I moved my jaw and didn't say anything. This was so sudden. So completely unexpected, but it explained a lot of recent experiences

"Babe?" he did sound scared now.
"I'm…pregnant Benji."
"YOU'RE WHAT?!" he stared at the calendar as if it held all the answers. As if there would be giant bloody letters that said "Jessa's knocked up."
"I'm 10 days late." I pointed out the days. "I can’t…oh wow."
"But we haven't…"
"We did once." I pointed out, thoughts of Benji naming off the body parts he loved swimming through my head.

Benji swallowed.

"Do you wanna get a test?" he asked.
"What?" My mind was going a hundred miles an hour.
"A pregnancy test? Ya know, to make sure."
"Yeah." I said stoically. "Yeah. I don't want to get my hopes up and then start bleeding or something."
"Right." Benji hugged my shoulders. "So I'll go get one."

He quickly kissed my cheek and dashed away as if we kept them in a closet in the next room. I sat down on the bed and heard his keys jingling downstairs.

"Jessa?" He called coming back upstairs. "Do you want anything else?"

I shook my head, not saying anything. I looked at my hands and at the carpet. He didn't need to get a test I knew. I already knew. The hunger, the mood swings, the fatigue, oh my God, I was pregnant. I was pregnant I was pregnant.

"C'mon Jess." Benji voice sounded odd. "Come with me."
"Benj…" I looked up at him and his face was pleading. "Okay."
***
"You're what?" You're what, you're what. I'd never been struck with such a feeling of fear, confusion, and pure elation.

Jessa said something but I didn't hear it.

"But we haven't…"
"We did once." Jessa pointed out.

Sounds of Jessa moaning out my name echoed in my head, reminding me of the last time we'd made love. And from that…a baby. Our baby, was it in there, now? Could it hear us? Was it laughing at us for acting so shocked? Could it laugh? I felt warm inside, thinking about it, but some pessimistic gene came in a swatted the happy feeling away. What if she wasn't? I, for certain, was going to be crushed.

"Do you wanna get a test?"

"What?" Jessa seemed to be playing around with the idea in her head. Baby. Baby Madden. It was half scary half exciting. Maybe she was thinking about our crazy lifestyle. I didn't want to think about details.

"A pregnancy test? To make sure."
"Yeah."
"So I'll go get one." I kissed her cheek and headed downstairs to get my keys.

A baby was a big deal, no matter what I tried to delude myself into thinking. Time, patience, money. Money we had, but the time was the trick. Our lives were headed into overhaul. Our lives were now controlled by the glimmer inside Jess. If it was even there.

My thoughts flew to Jess, her awestruck, scared, fleeting face. She was freaking out. She was so freaked out she couldn't say anything.

"Jessa? Do you want anything else?" I could go for a half a gallon of mint chip.

She shook her head. I couldn't leave her here, like this.

"C'mon Jess, come with me?"
"Okay." She said quietly and followed me downstairs.

Part 5
I had to convince Benji to leave the bathroom in order to do what I had to do. He looked up at me from the couch as I came into the living room.

"Ten minutes." I said

He kissed my cheek as I sat down next to him.

"What're you watching?" I asked glancing at the TV, it was a commercial break.
"Jeopardy." Benji replied.
"The Simpsons are on." I pointed out.
"But it's double jeopardy!" Benji complained, as Alex returned and started interviewing the contestants.
"But the SIMPSONS!" I made a pouty face he couldn't resist and he changed the channel. I grinned leaning against him. Gotta love a man who relinquishes control of the tube. But I guess it didn't matter what we watched. I could barely focus on Homer without thinking about baby. I swallowed nervously.

"It's gonna be fine Jess. It's not like were 16 years old or something." Benji said out of nowhere.
"I know, but it's still…I dunno, kinda scary. It's not like I've done this before."
"Well, yeah you did."
"What? When?" I stared at Benji.
"Last year. Well nearly 2 years now. My birthday. You told me your weren't pregnant."
"Oh." I'd almost forgotten, other things that night superceded that. "Well, other stuff happened that night, I guess I forgot about that part."
"Yeah." Benji got really quiet.

I watched his face beginning to turn to sadness. Seeing him swallow a giant lump in his throat. Benji looked on the verge of tears.

"What's the matter?"
"What if the baby grows up like me?" His voice had that odd sound tears make.
It broke my heart to hear him say that. I smiled. "Then they'll be an extraordinary person."
"Jess, why do you do that?" Benji was contented and at the same time miffed.
"Do what? Love you?"

He smirked and turned his head away.

"Benji, how many times do I have to tell you that I love you the way you are?" I explained.
"We don't know how this kid will grow up, but we can't really change anything. We just have to try our best, ya know."
"Yeah. This is gonna be a big change, Jessa."

I found it funny how he chose to use my whole name then. "I know, Benjamin."
"No, I don't think you know." He pulled me close to him so he could look into my eyes. "We're going to have a baby. Everything is going to change. EVERYTHING. We're not gonna be able to do all the things we did before."
"It's gonna be okay, baby."

Benji leaned his forehead against mine.

"It's gonna be better than okay." He murmured.
***
"Joel?" Alex called through the large house. It would be just my luck that he's not even home. His house, Joel's house, Alex thought, I'm just the roommate.
"Just a minute." Joel called from somewhere Alex couldn't track, damn this big house.

A second later he appeared around the corner.

"What's up babe?" He almost smiled.
"I'm home." Alex threw her stuff on a couch and went into the kitchen.

Joel followed her, making eyes. Alex pulled a bottle of water out of the fridge and took a long drink just staring at him.

"What?"
"You're beautiful you know that?"

Alex eyed him suspiciously.

"What's wrong with you?" She put her hand against his forehead.

Joel pulled her arm down and kissed her. Alex pulled off of him.

"What's the matter with you?"
"What you mean, what's the matter with me?"
"I mean, first you don't wanna see me, then you tell me not to move out, now, now what? What are we Joel? We hardly talk, you won't touch me, we haven't had sex in the longest." Alex shouted. "Do you even love me?"
"How dare you ask me that? What kind of question is that Al? Of course I love you!"
"Really?"
"Yes, yes, I do." Joel put his arms around her tenderly. "Very much."

Joel kissed her forehead as she fell into his embrace.

"I'm so sorry, Alex." Joel cooed.
"You're sorry?"
"Yes, I'm sorry." He repeated.
"Baby, you didn't do anything wrong. I'm the one who freaked out remember?"
"Alex…" Joel kissed her forehead again. "I know."
"You know?" She stared into his chocolate eyes. He knows?

Joel just nodded and smiled.

"You're not angry?" Alex asked like a guilty child.
"Of course not." Joel grinned. "How could I be?"
***
"We're gonna be parents." Benji said, nudging my arm and waking me up.
"Really?" I replied, half asleep.
"Little blue line." He held up the positive pregnancy test.

I smiled and we hugged. As we unraveled each other he stared at me. It was eerily quiet. Benji kept leering at me.

"What?" I finally said.
"N-nothing." Benji stuttered and looked away.
"It is not 'n-nothing', c'mon Benji, what?"
"I dunno…you don't seem very…happy."
"I'm happy." I managed, but my eyelids weighed a hundred pounds. I fluttered my eyelashes. "I am. I'm just tired."
"I've just been waiting for a reaction from you…"

Did he think I didn't want the baby or something? Was he absolutely crazy?

"You want my reaction Benj? I'm ecstatic. I'm thrilled, but I'm tired and I'm scared and I don't know what going to happen."
"What do you mean?"
"Every time something happy happens something bad comes along and squashes it. I'm scared…I'm so afraid."
"Don't be." Benji kissed the bridge of my nose. "I'm scared too, but it's all gonna be fine, you know why?"
"Why?"
"Because you're with me."

I blushed. He still the ability to make me feel incredibly tickled inside. Weak, venerable, embarrassed, awkward. That first blush feeling like when your in 6th grade and a cute boy smiles at you. The bubbles in your stomach. Benji made me feel the bubbles.

"Don't you know you make me feel like superman?" Benji claimed.
"Naw, Han Solo." I answered shaking my head.
"Han Solo?" Benji laughed.
"Yup. I plan to have you fulfill that fantasy too."
"With Princess Leia's gold bikini too?" Benji's eyebrows raised seductively.

I nodded with a wink.

"Ooh the thrill of the future." Benji enveloped me again.
"Benji?"
"Yeah babe?" He stroked my hair.
"Let's not tell anybody for awhile."
"Ok, Jessa." He continued stroking my hair. "Why?"
"I want something to be just ours. It seems like everybody always knows, EVERYTHING. But this is ours. OURS." I repeated into his chest. "You're YOU and I'm ME and this kid is never gonna have their own life, just be chased around because they're our kid. It won't be their fault kindergarten is a media event, it'll be ours and the least we can do is give 'em 9 months of privacy."

I smiled when he squeezed me.

"Not even Joel?" he asked.
"No." I shook my head.
"Adriana?"
"Nobody, Benji…"

Benji looked up at the phone attached to the wall as it screamed. In the backyard Lennon barked. She barked at the phone and the doorbell and at us every time we opened the back door.

"I'll get it." He stood up and yanked it from the wall. "Hello?…Hi, Mom…No, you weren't interrupting…I'm good, how're you?…Uh huh…Oh really?…That's…Yeah…Yeah, Jess's right here…Yeah…Yeah…She's doing okay though." Benji looked at me and smiled. "We haven't made any definite plans yet…Well, it's only been two months, Mom…Well, we've been busy and…I know…I KNOW"

Benji rolled his eyes. It was obvious Momma was trying to convince Benji to let her plan this wedding for us. if I'd left it up to her I'd end up in big poufy number and a train a block long. Then again, with Benji, he'll insist on the Casualties playing the reception or some equally offensive band that will scare the relatives away. Not that my groom won't send my aunts packing.

"Mom, we'll do it. We can plan our own wedding. It'll be fine…Yes, I promise I won't hire a punk band." Benji grinned at me maniacally. "Haha, yeah, okay Mom. Let us worry about that…" Benji shifted uncomfortably, but he looked like he wanted to laugh. "Come on, Mom, let us get married first, then we'll think about giving you grandkids." Benji made a face at me across the room.

Mom's had special radar I was sure of it. I looked down at my stomach. Special radar. I could get used to that. As if seizing the opportunity I felt starved again, the baby was hungry. I got up and went into the kitchen.

"Okay, Mom, I'm gonna let you go now…Love you too…bye." Benji suddenly came up behind me in the kitchen, startling me and causing me to drop a package of Oreo's, black cookies spilled out and rolled around on the floor.

"JESUS CHRIST BENJI!"
"Shh." He gripped the receiver of the phone. "She's still on the line. She wants to talk to you."
"Shit!" I murmured and wiped my hands on the back of my jeans. I took the phone from Benji.

"Hi." I said as good, pure and virginally as I could.
"What happened?" she asked.
"Um…nothing." I lied, why did I always feel like I was on the line with God, when I talked with his mother. "Benji…sc-scared me."
"Oh, I hope everything's alright. Are you getting enough sleep?"

A lot more since Benji implemented his "saving himself for marriage" rule. Didn't stop me from trying but Benji acted like an innocent virgin. It was kinda cute, but mainly annoying. There wasn't really anything to do once we got into bed, except sleep.

"Yeah."
"Benji said you were stressed out."
I shot Benji a terrible look as he picked up cookies off the floor and licked cream out of the center of another. "I'm okay. Nothing too serious."
"Well, I don't want you to worry. It's not good for you. You're too young to worry."
I laughed. "Thanks, but I'll be fine."
"Okay, I just wanted to make sure sweetheart. And if you need help with the wedding don't hesitate to ask. I know you want it your way, it is your wedding, but please don't refuse my help because I'm old-fashioned."
"I don’t think…"
"Honey, I'm an old lady, I understand my taste and your taste and my son's taste's are drastically different, but I'm here to do what ever you need me to, okay?"
"Okay, thank you." The call waiting beeped. "Oh, I got someone on the other line."
"Well I'll let you go, bye sweetie."
"Bye." I clicked over. "Hello?"
"Jessa, hi, baby."
"Oh, hi, dad." Did they have radar too? If Benji's dad called us I was gonna go into a coma.
"Is Benji there?" he asked.
"You wanna talk to Benji?" I asked. In the entire time my parents had known about Benji, not once did they ask to speak with him. So, it caught me offguard.

Benji looked at me and shook his head furiously, I think he thought my parents hated him. He was very scared that they thought he was corrupting their daughter, but he'd never admit that he to it.

"No, it's better if he's not home."
"Oh." I said surprised, becoming worried, it wasn't as if my dad was a talker. "What's up?"
"Jessie, this is hard for me."

My dad didn't often call me Jessie. Something in his voice worried me. I left Benji in the kitchen with the Oreo's and went upstairs.

"What's hard?" I asked.
"I talked to Benji."
"Really? When?"
"Your mom told me not to, but I couldn't help it. I didn't trust this guy Jessa." He said sternly, like he were about to tell me I had to come home right now. I knew the tone. It was the one he used when he told me I couldn't sleep over at my friend Beth's in 5th grade. The one he used when I moved to LA in the middle of the night. The one he used when I told him I was in love with Dylan.

"Dad…" I hopped up on the bed.
"I called him the other day and…I, I asked him about his intentions and…"
"His intentions?" I had no idea my pot-smoking teenager, Ozzy Osbourne loving adult, blue collar father was so 1950's.
"I, ya know, asked him about what kind of future he planned to have for my daughter."
"Benji, can take care of me."
"Look, I know he has money, Jessa, but money doesn't make someone happy."
"I AM happy. Benji makes me very happy." I played with the hem of my shirt.
"Jessa Marie!" My father started to get very angry. "He told me everything."
"Everything?" I sat up. Thinking about everything. The way we lied to each other for months. The bliss of finally acknowledging our love for one another. The horror and pain, both mental and physical, or Benji beating his hands against me. That everything.

"He told me what he did to you." He sounded like he would cry. I'd only ever heard stories of my dad cry. I never saw him do it.
"Dad, Daddy." The oddity of that word, so young sounding. "It's okay."
"It's not okay, Jessie. He'll hurt you again. I don't care what he says or how much you love him. You don't hit someone once."
"But…"
"NO! I won't let you marry someone who would EVER hurt you." He screamed into the phone, making me shake in my shoes, tears falling down my face, faint memories of him punching holes in the wall when he found out I skipped school and that mom had let me.

I wasn't that little girl who had to listen to the constant stream of abuse anymore. I could stand up. I could fight back.

"You can't control me anymore." I said strongly.
"Jessa…"
"No…I love him, more than life itself and Benji is not some wife beater. He isn't you." I hung up on him and tears poured from my eyes.

Part 6
I ate a few cookies and watched the ending of the Simpsons. It was the one about Marge and Homer falling in love. I gotta say ever since Jessa, all that romantic gushiness seemed cute, not gushy. Besides I though the Simpsons' romance mirrored ours. She was the smart hot girl and I was the dumb fat guy…okay maybe it mirrored Paul and Lilly a little more closely, but it made me think of Jessa.

In fact, where was she? I let had her have some privacy talking to her dad, but I'd been awhile. I didn't like that guy. He didn't seem very thrilled by me either. When he called I thought I should be a man and be honest with him about everything, he was angry of course, but he had to believe that I loved his daughter and I would do anything in the world to take back that night. I would never willingly, knowingly hurt Jessa. I would never treat her the way my dad treated his wife.

I went into our bedroom and found Jessa curled up on her side of the bed, but she wasn't under the covers. She had the lights off. I guess she really was tired. I crawled onto our bed next her warm body. Sleeping felt so good, I couldn't explain it to anyone. There was something so completely intimate and sensual about being someone's bed partner. I liked the way her naked feet felt against my legs, the way her body fit into mine like a puzzle piece when we spooned. It was wonderful to have something to hold on to in the middle of the night. When I was alone I missed that most of all.

I cuddled close to her and I was surprised when I heard her whimper.

"Jessa?" I hated it when she cried. I felt instantly guilty, like I had done something wrong. Oh what did I do this time?

She turned around and clung to me, hot tears streaming from her pretty eyes. I hugged her close to me.

"You're never going to hurt me are you?"
"What?" I was surprised.
"You'd never hit me, Benji?" She looked deep into my eyes.
"No, baby, no. No, never, where is this coming from?" I asked wishing she'd stop crying.

She sniffed her tears and wiped them with the back of her hand.

"He…he doesn't want me to marry you. He, he, he thinks you'll hurt me again." She sobbed.
"Who? Your dad?" I questioned. That bastard.

Jessa only nodded. She rolled on her back, while my arms were still wrapped around her. She looked off into space. I didn't know what she was thinking about, but I could imagine. She was thinking about me hurting her. My dad used to come home at all hours, drunk, angry, violent, and take it out on mom. Fists raining down on her, telephones being ripped from the wall and thrown at her. I could never do that to Jessa. I'd done it once and that was enough to scar me.

"Jessa." I felt like I was calling her from some distant land. She didn't break away and look at me, just continued with her blank lost stare. "Jessa!" I said with more force.

She suddenly turned and met my gaze.

"I promise you baby, that I won't ever raise my hand to you or to our children. I swear to God." I said the last bit with my eyes closed.
"I know Benji."
"Well, I don't want you to think about it or worry about it."
"I'm not. I was thinking about my dad."
"What about him? Don't let him make you change your mind about marrying me."
"He hasn't." She shook her head. "Benji, he…my dad, he, he used to hit my mom."

It was like I'd been hit by a dozen bricks.

"What?"
"He used to yell and scream all the time."
"You, you never told me…" I felt a little hurt. Everything I told her about my old man and when she held me and told me she understood, I never imagined that she actually did. That she'd lived through the same pain and that she didn't share it with me. After I'd pointed out ugly scars he left on my skin and let her kiss away the memories, she'd been quiet.

"I couldn't tell you." She began. "I always wanted to. I'd never been able to really share it with anybody. Not Dylan or Chad, but you we're different of course, you'd suffered the same way. A helpless child. A witness. But by the time we'd gained enough time together, IT happened and after that I didn't want to tell you and make you feel worse."
"Did he ever…" I began to ask, anger boiling under my skin wanting to find him and beat him, if he had ever raised his hand to Jessa.
"One time." She answered.
***
The screaming had started again and I wished they'd both just shut up. It felt like it got worse all the time. The screaming grew louder and louder, pounding against my eardrums. I could hear Lauryn crying. I leaned over my book and forced it to go away. Trying desperately to block the sounds that were ripping me apart.

Lauryn screamed and I knew he was hitting Mom. He hadn't in so long. I thought he'd stopped. I thought he was done. I felt my legs running down the hall. Lauryn stood in front of me and beyond her my parents; my mom scratching my dad's neck making him bleed. She had a giant hand print on her face, one that matched my dad's stained callused hand. Mom screamed, she told us to run away. Told us to call the cops, but we were frozen in place. Scared little girls who weren't ever going to be numb to it all.

Rachel had already moved out. She was barely 17, but had convinced them to let her live with our Aunt Stephanie. Zoe was at a dance class and Adriana had an after-school thing. I should've gone to the library with Lauryn after school, but we decided to come home and watch cartoons. I was only 13, Lauryn was 10.

Then mom was angry, felt like we were ignoring her. Like we didn't want to protect her, but we didn't know what to do. We were scared. Lauryn especially.

"Stop it!" I cried. "Just stop."

It sounded stupid and small and weak, but I had to try.

They continued to argue about what I never knew, but they argued. He brought his hand down on her again. Making her yelp. He grabbed both her shoulders and shook her. I felt so useless, so helpless.

"Get your fucking hands off her." I yelled. Cussing made me feel stronger, made me feel grown up.

I ran to my mother. Trying to stand between my parents, hoping I'd be a shield. Thinking he would never harm his daughter. I was wrong.
***
"Jess." I held onto her. I wanted to kill him. Kill him for having to nerve to call me an abusive drunk. For making me feel worse. Making me feel like I had to prove myself to him. I wasn't the one who continually beat his wife and tossed his daughter into a wall. No, I wasn't the bad guy here.

"No one's going to ever hurt you. I promise. I swear to you, I won't let anyone, not even myself."

She breathed in deeply. She never talked about that. Ever. It explained so much. Not only about Jessa, but about Adriana as well. She wanted to kill me after what had happened with Jess and now I fully understood why. It was deeper than what I did.

"I don't usually think about it. I put it in the back of my head and I just live."
"Why did your mom stay?"
"She loves him."

I shuttered and closed my eyes. It sounded far too familiar.

"I love him too. He is my dad and…he hasn't done that in a long time. That was the past."

I knew that feeling too. Never had it felt so strongly, distinctly connected to her. If my dad called me up right now and asked to be at my wedding I probably wouldn’t say no, and if I did it would only be for Momma's sake.

The phone rang and I picked it up.

"Hello?" I said hoarsely.
"Benji." It was Jessa's mom. "Benji, let me talk to Jessa."
"No."
"Please, he didn't mean to do that. He's stupid." She explained. "He wants to explain…"
"NO! He's not going to call here to upset her. I'm not going to let him do that to her anymore."
"Benji, please." Jessa begged me to stop. "Don't please?"
"It's his daughter he just wants to talk to her."
"NO!" I yelled, more angry than before.
"Benji!" I looked into her eyes and saw her pleading with me not to be angry.
"Do you want to talk to your dad?" I asked tenderly.

She looked away and thought about it for a minute. She looked back at me with decision. She shook her head.

"No."
"She doesn't want to talk to him." I told her mom.
"Well at least let me talk to her." She was sincere.

I gave Jessa the phone.

"She wants to talk to you." I said softly.
She put the phone to her ear. "Mom…I'll talk to you later, Mom. I don't wanna deal with this right now. Love you, bye."

Jessa hung up the phone and set it on the nightstand. We laid there leaning against our giant pillows. Jessa leaned her head on me.

"See, we won't ever be happy, something always comes along and squashes the happy feeling."

I didn't answer just squeezed her close to me. I just wanted to protect her, love her, and the only way I knew how was if I was holding her. Jessa ran one hand down the center of my chest and stomach and looked into my eyes.

"Benji?" She asked softly. "Make love to me."

I bit my lip, unsure.

"Make love to me baby, make me feel better, please." She begged.
"Jessa..." I felt terrible. "Baby, we can’t."
"No, you can't. Benji, please, baby, for me." She put her hand on my cheek. "Please? Touch me."

I shook my head again. She sighed furiously. Sex was very important to Jessa and when I took it away from her it became a source of argument. It's not that I didn’t want to comfort her now, or that I didn't want to touch her and pleasure her, I just wanted to save myself as best I could. I knew we weren't virgins and we wouldn't magically revert into them on our wedding night, but I wanted to feel like I was giving it to her. Giving her myself as the greatest most expensive gift of all. I wanted to feel like we were virgins exploring each other for the first time. I wanted our wedding night to be something special, not just sex.

I kissed her so she wouldn't be mad. We had perfected the art of making out since I'd started my campaign. Her hands gripped the back of my head, pulling me deeper into our kisses. I rubbed her back as I sucked gently on her bottom lip. Her tongue fondled the rings on the side of my mouth and she bit down on the flash in the center. I moaned with approval.

We pulled back to breathe and as we did so Jessa looked at me with those amazing eyes. At that moment, if she asked again if I would make love to her, I would. I would give in just to feel those russet-colored eyes devouring my naked skin. Jessa bit her lip, she wanted to ask, I wanted her to ask. I looked lustfully into her eyes.

"What Jessa?" I asked, taking care to sound manly and sexy.

She closed her eyes as if imagining the pleasure of our bodies meeting.

"I'm hungry." She murmured.

Part 7
Everyday began to feel like bliss. Even though I continually ignored my father's phone messages and even though Sony had only approved about 25% of the extended budget, Benji made all my blackest days yellow, orange and sometimes blush rose pink! When I was at home he cooked, he cleaned, he hugged me and held me and told me how much he loved me.

Then there were bad days, like today.

I brushed the hair out of my eyes and emptied my stomach into the toilet. Goodbye pepperoni pizza, goodbye lasagna, I flushed it away. Does the kid not like Italian? They must be adopted. I stood up and looked myself over in the mirror. When's that beautiful healthy glow gonna set in? I was pallid and sickly and had to be at NBC studio's in 45 minutes to do a morning talk show.

I glanced at the piles of free make up they(the free product gods) sent me (and sometimes Benji??) stacked in the corner, they had to have pregnancy concealer somewhere. Benji marched in and immediately used the little fold in his pajama pants to relieve himself. He had his eyes closed but didn't fail to miss the bowl completely. It was really quite sickening.

"Did you puke again?" he asked. He yawned and flushed (as if there was something to flush).
I held up my fingers and counted them off. "The baby hates Italian, Oreo's, Cheez-its, and tuna."
"I hate tuna too." Benji made a face. "It's all fishy and…ick. Joel likes tuna, he eats it out of the can like a cat."

I laughed as I pulled my hair up.

"Are you wearing your hair up?"
"Why not? Then I can wear long earrings and look…"
"Like a tramp!" Benji swatted away the dangly pink rhinestone earrings I held up.

I made a face at him.

"When did you become a stuffy old man?"
"I'm an old man?"
"Today, yes you are." I stated applying make up that made me look alive and less like Marilyn Manson. The people there would apply another pound but wasn't walking there like this "I thought you liked those earrings?"

"For a morning TV show, Jess?" Benji cocked his eyebrow.
"Okay fine!" I stuck tiny silver hoops in instead and an even smaller pair in the second hole. I applied a barely pink gloss and smacked my lips together. Benji stared at me the entire time. I brushed my long eyelashes so they didn't clump together and looked at Benji.

"What do you think?" I grinned.
"The outfit is perfect!" he laughed.

I looked down at my faded sweat pants and tank top. I made a face and walked back into the bedroom. Benji milled around as I got dressed, looking through a date book on the dresser.

"Don't forget your appointment is at 3." Benji reminded me.

I groaned.

"Jessa, it's important." Benji made a very serious expression.
"I know, but I don't want to."
"You have to. You're flying to Barcelona in 3 days and…"
"Exactly. I have this stupid show to do and I don't have work tonight. It would be nice to have a break."
"Yeah, Jess, this the only afternoon off so that's why it has to be today. It has to be before you fly anyways."
"Didn't we have this conversation yesterday." I rolled my eyes.
"Which conversation?"
"The one when I made it clear to you that Barcelona is in Spain, a modern country. Spain is not Mexico, Spain is not a 3rd world country, Spain is not devoid of modern conveniences and Spain is not new to pregnant woman. I'm gonna be fine."
"The argument we had yesterday? Yeah I remember that."
"Benji, stop it." I snapped. "There's only so much I can take and right now, I can't take it."

Benji pouted. He looked at the digital clock on the night stand.

"You're going to be late." He said.

I quickly tied my shoelaces and grabbed my bag.

"Did you eat anything?" Benji followed me downstairs.
"No time"
"Jessa, you have to eat." I just loved how he was being all daddy on me, I really did.
"And risk the picky eater no thanks."
"Jess-UH!" Benji complained.
"I don't wanna puke on the host, k?" I reluctantly took the orange he handed to me as I headed for the door.
"You're going to your appointment?" he asked.

I nodded reluctantly.

"C'mon Jess, what would we do with a free afternoon? Have sex?" he joked and I slapped him. "Ow."
"I'm sorry, I really didn't mean that." I kissed his cheek where I hit him. I kissed him again on the lips, one foot outside the door. "Bye. Love you."
"3 o'clock!" He shouted at my retreating back. I waved in response.
***
Benji was pouting in the kitchen when I got home. Maybe he was still mad I hit him this morning. He had to believe it was all hormones and not me.

"What's up, babe?" I smiled at him, I was such a bitch to him sometimes.
"Steve called."
"Oh yeah?" He didn't sound too mad, I was happy as I poured a big glass of orange juice.
"We have another tour." Benji announced sullenly.
"But I thought…"
"Yeah so did I?" He was really pissed off, but at least not at me.
"It won't be so bad. You like going on tour." I tried to lift his spirits.
"I don't like leaving you and now the baby…fuck!" Benji crossed his arms in a huff.
"Oh stop it Benj, you love being on the road and playing. You have nothing to do when you're home." I reasoned. "You cleaned the attic yesterday Benj! The ATTIC?!"

Benji finally laughed.

"Knock knock" Joel had let himself in. "What's up?"
"What's up with you just coming into our house uninvited." I said too bitchy, stupid hormones.
"I'm sorry." Joel looked at me strangely. "Um, can I come in?"
"What's up Joel?" Benji looked annoyed.
"Nothing, Alex is working so I came to hang out." Joel plopped himself into one of the counter stools.

Benji sighed dramatically, like he didn't want his brother around. I actually kinda missed Joelio. I walked across the kitchen and stood next to him on the other side of the counter then gave him a great big hug. I'm telling ya, hormones are out of control. This morning at the talk show I cried because there weren't anymore old-fashioned doughnuts and then I snapped at the make-up girl. It was not pretty.

Luckily, Alex had snapped out of it and met me on the set. I was so relieved and happy I dropped my bag and jumped around in circles hugging her. She seemed surprised but equally happy with her return, and joined me in a little happy dance.

I had my head on Joel's shoulder and I hadn't let go of him. It was probably up to him that Alex was back in a normal mood. I should thank him. I squeezed him again, hoping that would suffice. Joel just looked at me like I was crazy, so I grinned like a maniac or like, ya know, Chris.

"We have somewhere to go." Benji acted like he had to get rid of Joel.
"Oh, I wanted to hear that demo." Joel said getting up and seemingly away from me. Dick.
"That one…'Never used to do no good, I guess I was misunderstood, always thought I'd stay the same, but I'm not you're to blame'" Joel sang.
"I like that." I smiled.
"Yeah?" Joel grinned.
"Alright, c'mon, make it fast." Benji snapped. Maybe he was hormonal too. Aww, sympathy pains. Joel led the way downstairs and Benji stopped a minute to look at me. "3 o'clock."

I nodded.
***
3 o'clock came fast…faster since Benji basically shoved his brother out on his ass. I swear Benji was having some mood problems. But he was sorta moody on his own. Who could blame him? His dad beats on his mom, on him, on his brothers and sister. He grows up, dad leaves, starts a band, falls hard, gets heart beaten out, attempts suicide (twice), meets me and you already know that part. Real kindred we were…middle child syndrome, dad beats mom, me. Find artistic spark, fall in love, get broken up, meet Benji, get broken up, knocked up…two of hearts us two.

My doctor was making us wait a tremendously long time, but it was probably long because Benji hadn't said a word the entire time. It felt like I was on drugs (and yes, I know the feeling) and on some distant planet. Maybe Benji was the one on drugs. That's it Benji had started doing…crack in an effort to correct his benjiness and, and, Joel was in on it! yeah, "demo" meant we're gonna go in the basement and smoke pot (because no matter what your drug of choice is, there is always a little pot involved). I was half through explaining the mystery of Benji in my head, when the pretty nurse came and beckoned all sexy nurse like to us.

Benji grinned, so I smacked his arm.

"Ow." He griped. "Quit doing that."
"Doing what?" I hit the back of his head.
"THAT!" Benji really was angry and that was good, because I was mad at him, I didn't know why but it had something to do with his penis. Possibly because he wasn't using his right.

We sat in two seats in front of my gynecologist's desk. I'd never been in the office before. It had always been a purely stirrups visit. It was nice in here, there was a huge oak or pine or some kinda wood desk and certificates adorned the walls along with a few hundred snapshots of babies. I'm not gonna say cute because a lot of them were strange looking.

I felt hyper weird, can't you tell, can't you feel it? Pregnancy huh? Talk about your odd moods.

Dr. Greenwald came in the office a second later.

"Good afternoon Je-" He began staring at Benji. "Hello, I don't think we've been introduced."

Benji's jaw was on the floor, what WAS his problem? I nudged him so my doctor didn't think my intended was a mute. I think I saw Benji's jaw clench.

"This is my fiancée, Benji." I introduced. "Benji, my gynecologist"
"Hi." Benji forced. He was glaring at Greenwald now, like he was looking at his worst enemy.

I nudged him again. I turned up my hands in question.

"He's a guy, Jess." He whispered to me.
"Just like you?" I didn't get it.
"I, I didn't know…" And suddenly it made sense.

I laughed.

"Excuse us." I told the doctor and pulled Benji by the shirt collar so that our chairs spun around, our backs to Greenwald.

"Benji, it's not a big deal."
"NOT a big deal!" He raised his eyebrows. "Jessa, he's..he's…a he."
"But it's not like it's sexual. It's sterile and clinical, believe me, it's not an erotic encounter."
"But he looks at you."
"Stop it, Benji, he doesn't see the same thing you do. It'd be the same if I had a woman."
"But…"
"Benji!" I warned. "Stop it!"

We turned back to the doctor. He smiled wide at the both of us.

"So, Jessa, what makes you think you're pregnant?"
"I haven't had a period for 2 months and I'm hungry and…"
"Mood swings" Benji pointed out annoyed, so I smacked his arm again and gave him a surprised angry look.
"Yeah, okay, mood swings." I agreed after taking stock of my actions.
"Okay." Greenwald smiled. "Well, sounds pretty convincing. And the home test was positive?"

I nodded.

"Well, we'll get you in to exam room and get a look see, k?"

I started feeling excited for no good reason, Benji looked horrified.

"You can come too." Dr. Greenwald assured.
"Do you really have to…"
"Benji, get over it already."
***
We were in the little exam room with all the usual medical doohickeys, of which I knew all the names, but we're not getting into my "ER" obsession. I wearing one of those weird paper gowns, that I hated, mostly because it meant you were basically naked underneath and everyone else knew you were naked underneath. It was like knowing a practical joke was around the corner and waiting for it to happen.

I sat on the edge of the table, swinging my legs over the side. Benji inspected the room. It's not like he'd ever seen a gynecologists office. He sat on the little black spinning stool, hunched over so that his elbows were on his knees and his face in his hands. Benji sighed.

"This is weird" he lamented
"Is it?"
"I've never been to a…a, ya know"
"You're gonna have to get over this shy thing Benj. Say it with me, GUY-no-Cahl-OH-jiist, ob-ste-trish-an. Vuh-jeye-na. U-ter-is."

Benji laughed and blushed as Greenwald entered. He raised his eyebrows at us and looked at Benji and then the stool. He leapt off and gave it to the doctor.

"Alright. Let's see what's up." He put on a pair gloves and motioned for me to lie down.

It was different, but more than welcome not to be spread eagle in stirrups. He picked up a transducer, which a part of an ultrasound machine. Lathering it with weird clear jelly, he raised my little paper gown and set it down against the lowest part of my stomach. It was cold so I naturally shivered. He smiled reassuringly and watched the fuzzy picture on the screen. Just so ya know, folks, our insides look like TV static, good to know it's not slimy. Your insides also make a "swish, swish, swish, swish" sound.

I looked up at Benji where he stood at my side. He hadn't the cutest "what the hell?" face. Poor Benji was so very confused. He reached down and rubbed my hand between his two and I smiled as I looked back at the screen.

"Um hmm, there." Greenwald obviously knew what he was looking at. Was I supposed to know what there was? Neither of us had a clue and I was waiting for an explanation.
"Is that a heartbeat?" Benji asked. Okay, so I'm the only one who didn't know what was happening.
"Yeah, right there" Greenwald pointed at a fuzzy splotch on the screen.

Benji grinned. I was still lost. The swish swish was a heartbeat?

"That's not two, is it? It's not twins?" Benji looked frightened. Yeah, cause twins are creepy, you weirdo.
"No, that's her heartbeat." They talked like I wasn't lying right there.
"What are we doing?" I asked.
"That's the baby, Jessa." Benji looked at me. "That's our baby."
"The swish swish?"
Benji laughed at me. "Yeah, the swish swish."

I was suddenly filled with girly emotion. Or was it motherly emotion. That was my baby, our baby, as Benji put it. Swishing away under my skin. Inside me, growing (and eating). I wanted to cry. That was my baby. Benji and I made it. That sounded strange, like we got out some construction paper and macaroni and made crafts, but we did make it.

"Everything looks really good and healthy, Jessa." Greenwald smiled at me, stripped off his gloves and wrote in my chart. "Congratulations! You can get dressed again. I'll be right back, let me just get you a prescription for some pre-natal vitamins and some first time parent literature."

I laughed at myself, for no reason. Swish, swish, swish, swish. I wanted to hear it again.

"So, this is really happening." I told Benji when my pants and shirt were back where they belonged.
"Exciting, isn't it?" He held me close to him. He gently kissed my forehead.
***
Dr. Greenwald had armed us with enough literature to keep us busy on every plane trip for the rest of our lives. All kinds of things were listed on colorful paper. We organized by colors and split them up. Benji had blue, red, and black papers and I think he added black because there were none, obviously, and that mean he had less. I had yellow, purple, and green. We had everything from a height weight chart to menus to manufactures of the latest in baby-gear.

Did people have babies before designer strollers were available? I think not. Can't you imagine me with a Converse brand stroller and matching diaper bag? Scratch that Benji will try to have a MADE one custom built. I agreed to the cool maternity hoodie he suggested, but strollers and onesies were out of the question. Our child will not sport the latest in punk baby chic.

The doc had also told us that we were due around mid-March. Which meant schedules were tight. Which meant…

"Benji, we have to get married before I have the baby. We have to get married soon"
"Don't worry about it." He shuffled his group of papers around.
"Benji! I don't wanna wear big maternity dress. I wanna look pretty."

Benji kissed my forehead.

"Then there's a problem." He smiled.
"What? Why?" I was confused.
"Because you're gorgeous."

I felt the hot blush fill my cheeks.

"But seriously Benji…"
"Seriously Jess, we'll work it out. If you don't wanna wear a maternity dress, you won't."
"But…" I began but Benji shot me a silencing look. "Okay."

He motioned for me to sit down next to him and I did. Laying my head on his shoulder. Benji flipped on the TV and began channel surfing. We settled on the Wonderful World of Disney, they were showing "Finding Nemo." A great movie for expectant parents, as all the kids die in the first 5 minutes! We'd been watching for about 15 minutes, but it was killing me.

"Benji?"
"What?" He was immersed in Dory.
"When?"
"Jesus Christ Jessa, I said we'll work it out, we'll work it out. Why do you gotta be on my back about it?" Benji snapped.
"I'm not on your back about it. I just wanna know."
"Well, when I know, you'll know, alright?" He sounded like a whiny little kid, this parenting thing was gonna go just great.
"I'm just saying, cause I'm what, 7 weeks?"
"Damn it Jessa, just shut up." Benji rolled his eyes at me.
"I will not shut up! I ask a simple question and you just fucking go off."
"It's not like were getting married tomorrow, Jessa."
"Keep up like this and we never will." I crossed my arms.
"Jess-uh." He sighed.
"Ben-ji" I rolled my eyes and imitated Benji.

Benji laughed.

"Jess-uh." He cooed and tickled my sides.

I screamed as he attacked me with tickles. We wrestled on the couch for a few minutes and finally I fell across his lap.

"Truce?" I surrendered
Mwa "Truce."
"And the wedding?"
"We'll start thinking about it tomorrow, I promise. Right now, can we watch Nemo?"

I nodded and we both laid down together on the large couch. Benji wrapped his arms around me, laying one hand on my lower stomach and squeezing very gently.

"Mine!" Benji cooed like a seagull.

Part 8
Oh my love, please don't cry… I kept singing that in my head all the time. I'll wash the dirty clothes, and then make you my wife…duh duh duh duh.

Crying, she was always crying. It was driving me crazy. Crying because the computer froze. Crying because we don't have sex. Crying because she tried to call Renee, and Tony hung up on her. And if she wasn't crying she was hitting me. And it hurt, a lot.

But I was a man with a plan. I decided to call Joel one more time to make sure everything was alright.

"This is Joel." Joel was such a loser on the phone.
"Hey, is everything cool?"
"Is what cool?" I could almost see the perplexed face he had.
"Everything!" I tried to speak in "code" as Jessa walked into the kitchen to look for something the gnaw on.
"Dude, what are you talking about?"
"Ya know, the DEMO? Is it ready?"
"What the fuck are you talking about, Benj?" Joel can be such a moron sometimes.

I took the cordless phone with me into the basement and shut the door.

"You're stupid Joel!" I yelled.
"What?"
"The party, for Jess, is everything set?"
"Oh that? Yeah, it's cool." Joel assured me. "We're on our way out now, so we'll see you there."
"Okay…I gotta get Jess ready."
"Later."

I hung up and went back upstairs. Jessa was eating leftover tatertots and poking herself in the stomach.

"What're you doing?"
"It's hard." She poked it again. "Here feel it."

She dragged my hand towards her abdomen and forced my outstretched fingers into it. It felt like firm muscles.

"I guess my 9th grade PE teacher was right…" Jessa let go of my hand. "The crunches would pay off one day."

I chuckled.

"Why're you all dressed up?" She stuffed 2 tots in her mouth and gave me a once over. I had on nice clean pants and a white dress shirt untucked with a loose red tie. Huge change from the sweats and t-shirts I'd been wearing around the house.
"Ah, I'm glad you ask."

I was waiting for her to ask why I was glad she asked, but she just stared at me.

"I'm taking you out."
"Now?" she whined.
"Yup, go upstairs and get sexy."
"What's the point in that? I look disgusting." She scoffed.
"No." I shook my head. "No, you don't Jess, you're beautiful."
She rolled her eyes "Whatever. Where're we going?"
"That's for me to know and you to find out." I grinned, surprises were fun.
She rolled her eyes again. "How sexy?"
"Very sexy!" I smiled again.
"How sexy is very sexy?" She asked, she wasn't amused.
"The black slinky dress sexy." My mouth watered at the thought of that dress and the way Jessa looked in it.

A tater tot dropped out of her open mouth and onto the counter.

"The…that sexy?" she sounded so surprised.
"Uh huh." I grinned suggestively and bobbed my eyebrows.
"Okay." Jessa almost giggled as she blushed and rinsed her bowl.

She threw a glance over her shoulder at me as she headed upstairs. I knew what she was thinking…"what's he up to?" I busied myself with trivial things while she dressed.

She was flying tomorrow morning and I couldn't pretend I wasn't upset about that. I mean…I know she's strong and everything. I know she can handle a lot of things. She's not really that fragile, but I couldn't help being over-protective sometimes. Especially not now. She's having my baby. What if something happens on the flight, what if something happens in Spain? What if, what if, what if??

I didn't like that she was gonna be away from me for 3 weeks. I wouldn't be there to make sure she was alright. That she was eating good things and taking those horse pills the doctor gave her. I mean…ahh, I wasn't even a real dad yet, not technically, but I already had all these feelings.

Jess wasn't in a good mood either. She was really upset about everything. I couldn't imagine the kind of changes she was going through. Things were bad enough before we got engaged and pregnant. There was her dad and her career and not to mention her friends. Jessa felt like she didn't have any.

She told me that the other night. She was crying about something that had to do with piss on the floor, I didn't really get it. Then it turned into her calling Renee, Tony answering and hanging up on her. For a little while it had been just me and Jess. Lilly and Paul had their hands full with Xander. Billy and Carly kinda keep to themselves, Jess barely knew her at all. Chris was still with Amy and I really thought she and Jess were gonna be friends because they found out they were born in the same hospital, but nada. Her sisters all had lives of their own. Jessa felt…unloved.

Then there was Joel. And Alex. They were having their own relationship overhaul. It was really strange. After Alex freaked out about getting married Joel got really upset and offended and told her to move out. Then like 10 minutes later told her not to leave him. Alex however reverted into this little hermit. According to Joel she barely got out of bed and if she did she stayed online all day doing nothing. I knew there was more, there had to be more, but Joel wasn't talking.

But he was helping me at least. I decided I had to do something for Jessa. To let her see how many friends she had. That I wasn't the only person who loved her. I was gonna throw her a party. I kinda came up with it a week and a half ago. I couldn't really do anything concerning the baby since she wanted to keep it a secret, but an engagement party was the perfect excuse to have her friends come and praise her and make her the center of attention.

I asked Joel for help immediately. He was supposed to meet me while Jess was doing that morning show, but of course Joel sleeps in late. I was pretty mad he showed up after Jessa was home. I mean how was I supposed to plan a party for her when she was there. He made something up about a demo, and we went downstairs for a while. But that's when I made a mistake…
***
"Dude, you were supposed to be here over and hour ago."
"Sorry, I was side tracked." Joel played with the zipper on his jacket. "What's wrong with Jess?"
"Nothing's WRONG with her!"
"Benj, is she having a baby?"

Who told him? The look I gave him made him grin.

"She is, huh? Aww, Benj, why didn't you say anything?"
"Because she doesn't want anybody to know." Great now Joel knows, he's gonna tell the whole world.
"Not even me?"
"Not even her sisters!"
"Wow!" Joel looked really stunned.
"Look, don't say anything please! I wasn't supposed to tell anyone."
"Hey, you can count on me."
***
Yeah, sure I could Joel. I bet mom already knew, I bet she did. It's not that Joel didn't want to kept my secret, he was just too honest sometimes and just let it slip before he realizes it's wrong.

Hopefully, everybody won't know when we have our little shindig tonight. It will not put Jessa in a better mood if everyone knows her secret.

Everybody was supposed to meet at 6:30. To Jess, it was supposed to look like I was taking her out to dinner alone. Then when we got to the restaurant everyone would kinda be this big surprise. And I invited everybody we hadn't had real conversations with in the past couple of months. Joel and Alex, Paul and Lilly, Chris and Amy, Billy and Carly, Adriana and Chad, and Tony and Renee.

I really hoped Tony wasn't going to be an ass. I was still kind of mad at him for yelling at Jessa like that in the first place. I made me even angrier that he didn't even want to let Jessa talk with Renee. It hurt Jess a lot that she couldn't at least try to make it right with Renee. She felt terrible. Tony did not make it any better. He better be good tonight.

"Jess!" I called up the stairs. "Are you ready?"
"Uh huh, almost." She sounded like she was crying…again.

I went into the room and found Jessa on the edge of the bed. She looked amazing but her eyes were all red.

"Jessa!" I looked at her with concern and went to her side. "Baby, what are you crying for?" she sniffed in some of her tears.

"I don't know." She sobbed.
"Aww." I put my arm around her shoulders.
"Stupid hormones." She cried into my shoulder.
"Baby, it's okay." I rubbed her back. "Shh. C'mon let's go."

She sniffed her final tears. "Okay."
***
She kept watching me as we drove to the restaurant as if she would crack me and make me spill my secret plans, but no way no how, we were a block away and I couldn't ruin it. Everyone should be here by now as they were supposed to meet at 6:30 and it was almost 7:15. I spotted Joel's car and Tony's jeep too as I pulled into the lot.

I made Jessa sit in the car while I came around and opened her door, just because it was one of those cute things that she would remember later and reward me for. She smiled at me as I took her hand and led her inside. She looked so…cute and amazing. Even if Tony was being an ass he'd still be jealous when he saw Jess in that dress. Renee WAS hot, but no one compared to Jessa right now…no one.

Even the maitre de thought so. I caught the casual once over he gave her including an eyebrow raise at the sight of her cleavage. The dress was a lot more revealing than Jessa usually was. Black, just above her knees, low in the back with ribbons criss crossing her back so that it fitted every last curve. It tied around her neck and dipped low past her breasts, she couldn't wear a bra with it and made her look fuller and curvier and more delicious. Mmm, GOOD Jessa.

He led us towards an empty out of the way table. And I grinned with anticipation. This was my queue. I tapped the maitre de on the shoulder.

"Yes, sir?"
"Um, we had special arrangements." I said winking.
"O-okay, uh." He didn't seem to know what was going on…great Joel didn't tell the maitre de like he was supposed to.
"We're supposed to have a PRIVATE table." Maybe he'd catch on.
He shrugged. "This table is secluded. I'm sure no one will bother you here."

I sighed. I'd have to improvise. I let him seat us.

"This table is great, Benj, really." Jessa assured me.
"Um, I'm gonna go to the bathroom."
"Okay." She looked at me oddly as I walked away.

I found Joel pretty easily on the other side of the restaurant where everyone else was waiting. It was a semi closed off part of the restaurant that we had reserved.

"Where's Jess?" Joel asked looking over my shoulders like she'd be right behind me.
"At our table. You didn't tell the maitre de did you?"
"Fuck" Joel looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry."

I shook my head.

"Look, I'm gonna go get Jess and tell her found a better table or something. You guys…um…hide."
"What and jump out and yell surprise?!" Adriana looked at me.
"Yeah, sure, do that." It sounded good.
"But that's so corny." She made a face.
"Just do it!" I rolled my eyes.

Jessa was sipping water through a bendy straw when I returned. I wonder where she got that.

"C'mon Jess, I got us a better table." I took her hand
"What's wrong with this one?" she stayed put.
"Well, I got another one, c'mon Jess."
"Benji, I like this table."

I sighed. Why was she being so difficult?

"Baby, just come with me. Trust me this table is 10 times the table that one was." It sounded stupid, but I had to say something.

She wiggled her eyebrows but took my hand and let me lead her.

"You're just gonna LOVE this." I rose my voice as we neared the room. I spread my arms wide in presentation and just like a perfect play with proper rehearsals everyone came out of hiding at once and shouted "surprise."

Jessa reeled. Her face was full of shock and happiness. She grinned at me.

"You did this?" She asked. "You did all this for me?"
"Well I helped." Joel boosted himself.
"Only a little bit." I told her as I hugged her and kissed her cheek.
"What's all this for?"
"A combination engagement going away party." Lilly grinned.

As we all sat down I couldn't take my eyes off Jess. Neither could Tony, I noticed. She was hot. Hot and all mine. Renee noticed too because she slapped his arm. 'Stop it' she mouthed at him.

For a while it was like old times. Everybody just hanging out, talking, laughing. Jessa had the biggest grin on her face the entire time. She talked with Lilly again, she talked with Amy and Adriana. We all got to know Carly a little bit better, like how she was pro-skater. Why didn't we know that? The whole thing was good for everybody. We were a family again.

Tony even apologized to Jessa. And Jessa apologized to Renee. Jess didn't cry once or get sick. She wasn't the center of attention, but she was one of the gang again. It felt so good to see her so happy. I was happy to send her to a foreign country with happy memories about her friends waiting for her back home.

I really wanted to tell everyone about our secret. Share with them that we we're gonna be parents and they were gonna be aunts and uncles, but I was sure I should talk to Jess about it first.

"I can't believe you guys are getting married." Amy spoke on a rare occasion.
"It's so cool." Chad chirped. "I'm so happy for you guys."
"Hey, can I start planning you a bachelor party?" Joel smiled wide.

Jessa covered her ears.

"New rule." she announced. "You can do anything you wanna do at your bachelor party, ANYTHING, so long as I never have to know about it." "And it doesn't give you herpes." Chris chimed in.

We all laughed.

"I think we need a toast." Paul held up his glass.

I think I blushed. Everyone was grinning at us with proud happy faces.

"To Benji and Jessa," he began, but didn't know what else to say. He looked at Lilly for help.
"I always knew they'd end up together."
"To Benji and Jessa, Lilly always knew you'd end up together."

Everybody laughed and drank from their respective glasses. Joel cleared his throat and stood up.

"We, um, we sort of had an announcement."
***
Joel looked down at Alex. I raised my eyebrow and looked at Benji. He shrugged, Joel hadn't told either of us anything.

"Uh," Joel let a small smile escape his lips. "We're having a baby." He finally let out.

NO, WE were having a baby! Joel and Alex couldn't do this to us! How could they do this to us?

"What?" Benji asked and I burst into sudden tears. Everyone stared at me and I blotted my tears on a napkin.
"Jess are you okay?" Joel asked.
"I-I-I'm just sssoo hap-happy" I all out bawled and I'm sure I was freaking everyone out.
"Excuse me."

I went into the bathroom and locked myself in a stall. Who did they think they were? Why were they stealing our thunder?

"Jessa?" Alex gently rapped on the door. "Is everything alright?"
"No," I yelled at her. "Go away you bitch!"
"Excuse me?" Alex sounded offended.
"GO…AWAY…YOU…BITCH" I said slowly but more angry.
"Jess…"
"GO AWAY."

It got quiet and I was sure she left because I heard the creaky door. Good. I was glad she left. I opened the stall door and found her on the other side.

"What the fuck?"
"Jessa, what's your problem?"
"YOU…and Joel!"
"What did we do?"
"Get pregnant." Like it wasn't obvious.

Alex looked confused.

"Oh, hon' you don't have to be jealous." She grinned and reached her arms out to hug me. "Have you and Benji been trying or something?"

I slapped her offending limbs away.

"No, we DID"
"Did what?"
"Get pregnant! We're having a baby! You can't!" I sounded like a selfish brat but I didn't really care. "You came to our, MY, little party and stole our thunder!"
"You're pregnant?"

I nodded, crossing my arms across my chest indignantly.

"Since when?"
"I'm 7 weeks." I answered.
"Oh…" Alex looked sheepish. "We didn't mean to take anything away from you and Benji. Really, I mean it's not like we knew. We didn't do it on purpose."

I didn't say anything, but I could feel myself soften.

"I should've told you a long time ago." Alex looked sad. "I wanted to share it with somebody but I was all scared and confused and I didn't even know if I was gonna keep it."
"How long have you known?"
"Well I had a feeling in Atlantic city…"
"That's why you freaked out at Joel?"

She nodded as tears fell down her face. I hugged her and she hugged me back.

"I'm really sorry Jessa, if I knew…"
"It's okay. I'm being stupid." I shook my head. "Oh, hey, look don't tell anybody, okay? I haven't told anybody and I told Benj he couldn't tell anyone either."
"Okay." She sniffed in her tears.
"C'mon, people will think we're secret lovers."

Alex laughed as we returned to the party. Everyone stared at me.

"J, you okay?" Chad asked.
I nodded. "Everything's gonna be just fine."