Part 1
I could feel his morning wood rubbing against the back of my thighs through the light fabric of his boxers.

"Mmm," he hugged me close and kissed my shoulders, but he didn't get up.

I sighed sleepily. I remembered how long it took for me to be okay with that, Benji touching me. It took a long time before I was able to trust him with my body. Once and awhile I would sleep over at his place, and we'd do just that, sleep. Letting him just hold me. But most of the time I recoiled from his touch.

It killed him, when he couldn't touch me. Slowly, very slowly, I became comfortable with Benji again. 7 months after the events that shaped out future, I let him make love to me again. When we laid together afterward, a pile of hot sticky limbs, he nearly let it slip out.

"I…" He began in a breathy sigh.
I knew what he wanted to say, I'd waited for him to say it. "You what?"
"I love you." he finished.

I kissed his forehead then. I grabbed his hand and kissed it now.

The phone rang, annoyingly, from my bedside table. This early in the morning meant it was probably Alex, with one of her sudden idea's to help me boost my career. How does Joel live with that woman, sometimes? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Alex like a sister, but I fucking hate her at 7 in the morning.

"Hello?" I answered.
"Jessa!" Renee sounded far too loud for sun-up.
"What?" I asked irritated.
"Did I wake you up?"
"No, I was up waiting for a call from the Vatican." It's Thursday.

Next to me Benji chuckled. I could feel him shifting and beginning to wake up.

"What?" Renee=blonde. "Anyway, you have to help me move."
"Huh?"
"Tony finally found a place!" she said excitedly.
"Great." I still had my eyes shut.

Benji was grunting next to me, taking care of himself.

"I need you to help me…What is that?" Renee asked as Benji started to "yip" (yeah, I know, weird) with pleasure.

"Benji. Listen Renee, it's early."
"I know but I want you to help me. And I don't know Lilly that well. So, you think you can ask her to help too? Her house looks amazing." Lilly's house looks like the Ikea catalogue. "Do you think she would?"

Seeing as how Lilly was still on maternity leave and decorating a whole house almost surely meant a trip to Ikea, Lilly wasn't only going to say yes, she would insist on helping.

"Yeah."

Next to me Benji was getting hot. Bucking his body and moaning.

"What is he doing?!" Renee sounded surprised. Honestly Renee!

I took my mouth from the phone and slapped Benji's arm.

"Don't get all over the bed." I warned him about his impending climax.

He groaned, stopping himself from release.

"You gonna do it?" he spat, angrily.

I rolled my eyes.

"Renee, I've got to go."
"Are you gonna help me?" She pleaded.
"Yeah, I'll come by later. Okay?"
"Okay, bye."

I hung up and tossed the phone. I turned to lay on my stomach and I plunged my hand into his shorts, joining with his own hand. He was still rock hard. I knew as soon as my hand made a full grip that he would come. I reached across the bed to the drawer in the bedside table and quickly found what I was looking for.

I brought the bandana back with me. Within mere seconds it was soaking with warm fluid.

As he shrank back down and I released him, Benji sighed with pleasure.

"I love you."
"You'd better." I said, getting out of bed to deposit the ruined bandana into the bathroom trash and wash my hands.

When I came back out, Benji was right there. He gave me a big sloppy kiss.

"I do, thank you baby."
I rolled my eyes. "You're such a chore."

He put his arm around my shoulder as we went down stairs.

"So what's up today?"
"Renee's moving."
"Tony bought that place?" Benji made a disgusted face as we reached the kitchen.
"What place?" I widened my eyes.
"The Hole."
"My God, what the fuck is wrong with him? You can’t live at the hole?"
"Tell me about it. He was telling me how he was talking to Bobby, that the punker dude's son, and how he made him a really good offer to buy the place. I told he needed to buy a real house, not a…"
"Communal toilet! That house is disgusting. It's all rotting food and spilled drinks, stained mattresses. Gross."

Benji nodded. He pulled potatoes out of the pantry. He washed his hands and the potatoes and started chopping away.

"I wonder if Renee knows." He turned on the range and set a pan on the flame.
"I'm guessing no, she sounded excited."
"Yeah, but it's Renee." He put the potatoes in and stirred them around.
"Benji? Don't talk about her like that!"
"Oh, you can but I can't?"
"That's right!" I grinned.

Benji made a face. He went to the fridge for more ingredients.

"Well whatever…suppose I'm coming too?" He asked, tossing me the container of yogurt that I was trying to maneuver around his body, which was blocking the fridge. I got a spoon from the drawer and sat on a stool. "I guess…"

The phone rang.

"Damn machine!" Benji complained.
"I'll get it." I hopped off the stool and went across the dining room where the phone sat.
"Probably Renee again. Hello?"
"Hello?" a woman, better a girl, was on the other end.
"Yes?"
"Um…can I um, can I…"
"Yes?" I was growing impatient.
"Who is it?" Benji looked at me questioningly.

I shrugged and dug my spoon into the creamy cherry yogurt.

"I want to speak to…" she tried.
"Benji? Jessa?" I tried to help her out.
"Benji!" she finally said happily.
"Benj." I called, walking back into the kitchen, and shaking the phone back and forth.

He quickly grabbed it motioning for me to watch his vegetables frying in the pan.

"This is Benji." He said, leaning against the black marbley counters. "Oh, hi…uh, yeah…uh huh."
"Who is it?" I mouthed.

Benji shook his head. "Yeah, right. Well…" Benji stared at me a moment.

He walked out of the kitchen, phone pressed against his ear. I tried to follow him, but the snap and crackle of the frying potatoes took my attention away from Benji and his mysterious female caller.

After a few more minutes Benji returned, setting the phone on the counter and sticking his finger in my yogurt.

"Eww! I don't know where your hands have been."
"Same place yours were." He smirked.
"You're just nasty." I took my yogurt and held it close.

"So who was on the phone?" I asked after taking my first full bite.
"Uh, nobody."
"Nobody, huh? 'Nobody' sounded like a girl. What did 'nobody' want?" What was he hiding?
"Telemarketer."
"Telemarketer? It's 8 in the morning!"
"Nothing, forget it. Do you want some?" he motioned to the potatoes, onions, and garlic.
"No." I crossed my arms and dumped the empty yogurt container into the garbage.

I went upstairs and slammed the bedroom door.
***
I waited for the slam. Sure enough it came. I winced, damn she was strong. I'd go up there in a minute, let me finish my tots.

Telemarketer, what kinda response was that? That was the lamest excuse/lie. But I couldn't tell her who it was. That was no way to do it. For one thing we had to be in just the right way. Not when I'm making potatoes and she's just helped me get off. Nope all wrong.

I rinsed my plate off like the good boy my momma raised me to be. I even washed the pan, no reason not to earn a few more points for later. I headed upstairs. Lennon was yelping from the room and I heard the shower running. I opened the door to Lennon's room. She jumped me.

Damn she was growing fast, what happened to my little girl? We'd have to put her outside with Cash soon. She was ready for solid food already and she could even follow simple commands.

"Down Len." I ordered. "Sit."

She sat and looked up at me, with big puppy eyes, reminded me of her "mommy." I shook my head. Paul was right, we needed some actual human children. I headed for the bedroom and patted my thigh.

"C'mon Len." She followed me.

Jess was playing Hole as she showered. She was singing at the top of her lungs, pretending she was Courtney. Which was funny, because Jessa was nothing like Courtney Love and I liked her that way. Her body was completely naked and empty of ink stains, she had 4 voluntary holes, all in her ears, her hair had been black since birth.

I mean I was always attracted to the little punker girls with red and blue streaks and sleeves and nose rings, but Jessa was more gorgeous to me than any of them could ever be. It wasn't about exterior things with Jess, she was just pretty, from within, it radiated through her and made her stand out, glow. Other guys saw it too, I know they did. Chad used to like her, Joel kissed her, Dylan, Steve…Jessa had it. The J factor. I laughed outloud.

The bed was made. That's so Jess. She was angry, so she straightened up. Clean, it was a compulsion for her. I had to ask the maid to stop coming when Jess moved in, there wasn't anything for her to do anymore. I jumped on the bed anyway and allowed Lennon to do the same.

I was lying there, so caught up in my nothing thoughts, rubbing Len's ears, I didn't notice that the shower stopped and that Courtney had stopped screaming. I didn't even hear the bathroom door creak, and it always did loudly. I felt the warm wet towel hit my face.

"Already sleeping with other girls?" Jessa shot sarcastically across the room.

Lennon barked right in my ear. It forced me to sit up, Jessa was leaning into the closet, completely naked. My eyes traveled down her back covered with her thick mane of dark hair. It stopped just above her ass. Cute, round cheeks, that looked great in almost anything.

"Damn Benji, are you ever gonna get rid of this crap?"

I'm such a pack rat.

She spun around, her round breasts jiggled. "Have you seen my shirt?"

I'm such a man, I couldn't hear anything, I just saw boobs.

"Benji!" she screamed. "My shirt?"
"Which one?" I looked at her face.
"The red one with…Aha!" she pulled it out from under the bed.

It was my shirt that she had butchered and made her own. What was once a perfectly good Rancid shirt was now a torn, cut, fitted girly shirt with Rancid artwork on it. Not that any guy would complain, she cut it low enough to give that naughty peek-a-boo cleavage. I'd caught the man himself looking down it.

We went to a party for something, didn't pay attention, I heard about free food and cool people. Tim, my man, Tim Armstrong was there. He'd never met Jessa, only heard about her.

"Hey." He shook her hand. "So, you're the infamous Jessa?"
She grinned, "Infamous?"
"Benj, likes to talk about you." Casual peek at the good stuff. "I can see why."

I was mad he did that. Like I wasn't standing right there. But somewhere I felt overjoyed. The hot chick, she's mine! Mine! Not Joel's, not anybody's, MINE!

"Benji?"

Jessa was standing at the edge of the bed. She had dressed, damn it. She was wearing the Rancid shirt and some charcoal cargo pants that made her ass look great.
***
He just looked at me with a question mark face. Oh forget it, he'd only lie.

"Were you gonna come with me to help with the move?"

Benji nodded.

"Then put some clothes on." I said leaving the room, Lennon trailing me.

Benji headed for the closet.

"And change your boxers!" I called from down stairs.

I swear he never would if I didn't tell him. Gross pig. Man. I thought I heard him groan. It was easy to get him out of them, but not so easy to get him to put on a fresh pair. It wasn't like he nothing clean. Everything was clean. Men!

The kitchen was surprisingly clean. He even wiped down the counters and cleaned my dirty spoon. Sometimes he surprised me.

Sometimes, they were even good surprises.

Part 2
"You stupid DOG!" Tony screamed.
"Don't call her stupid!" Benji defended Lennon as she knocked down another can of beer.
"She's a baby."
"That's a 6-pack now man, you owe me."
"You didn't need it." Benji loaded more boxes into the back of the truck Tony had rented.

Cash and Lennon ran around everybody's legs. Lilly had for once left Paul at home with Xander and Alex was "really busy" (probably booking me on 'The View' or something else I didn't want to do). Joel, Adriana, Lilly, Benji and I were busy loading up Renee's stuff on the truck Tony had rented, and his stuff was already at the new place, yes, all 3 t-shirts, 2 pairs of pants, and 50 pairs of socks.

Tony, as Renee told me in the strictest confidence, hated the confines of underwear, therefore didn't own any. Women always talked about their men, I found, telling all their secrets, it was funny. I also knew that Paul liked to suck toes and Joel was really into role playing, I shouldn't know that.

I wonder if they told our secrets. If Tony knew that Benji and I had gotten hot and heavy in the back of Tony's jeep, I was gonna kill Benji. I mean really, kill him, it was private. I'd never said anything like that about Benj. I'd told them that he dances with me in the dark privacy of our bedroom to all the cheesy stupid love songs and how he always knows all the words, but that's not as bad as Benji telling "the guys" that we fucked in Tony's jeep.

"Well, I really like the blue one." Renee was saying as Lilly was showing her the big Ikea book.
"Blue what?" I asked.
"Couch. We're gonna have a house with nowhere to sit down." Renee laughed.
"Yeah well maybe you guys should have put a little more thought into this." I told her.
"Shut up. You know all you do is ridicule me. I'm not your little sister Jessa! I am capable of making my own decisions and stuff. I'm not just a little whore!"
"Whoa." I put up my hands defensively. "Renee, I…"
"Did you call her a WHORE?" Tony suddenly glared at me.
"No, I…"
"You called Jessa one!" Benji shouted defensively standing just behind my shoulder.
"That was different cause you called her one too." Tony told Benji.

This was out of hand.

"Whoa, whoa whoa! Everybody chill the fuck out!" Lilly stood on top of a box so her voice was heard. "Now everybody kiss and make up so we can go to Ikea!"

Tony took a deep breath and stared at me. "Did you call Renee a whore?"
"No. Never. I'm sorry Renee. I didn't mean anything I said like that. It's just, well, you're really…spur of the moment. And that's great, sometimes, but sometimes you need to think a little bit before you do something."
"Whatever." Renee said, sounding wounded and picked up the Ikea catalog. She went upstairs, passing Adriana who was carrying a box down the steps.
Tony followed her. "Ren?"
"What happened?" Adriana looked curious.
"Nothing." I shook my head.

I went and sat down on the bench in the little courtyard of the building. Cash and Lennon followed me. Lennon was trying to jump in my lap and play. Cash sat down in front of me and put his big head on my lap. I rubbed his ears. Lennon continued yipping. Benji rubbed the top of her head and she followed him as he sat next to me.

"Babe don't feel bad." He tried to put his arm around my shoulder.

I shrugged him off. I wasn't going to just forget the phone call this morning. I continued rubbing Cash's head. Lennon was standing up against Benji's lap. He let her lick his hand.

"Jess? C'mon."
I turned and stared at him. "You called me a whore?"

Benji shut his eyes and shook his head.

"I didn't mean it. that was a long time ago. I was upset."
"Who was on the phone Benji?"
"It's nothing Jess. You don't have anything to worry about." He grinned.
"Then just tell me who she is. What's the big deal?"
"Jess, really just forget about it."

I stood up, letting Cash's head drop out of my lap, he made a grunt.

"Forget about it?! Why? Why would I just forget about it? why are you lying to me?"
Benji was suddenly angry. "I’m not lying to you."
"REALLY?" I crossed my arms.
"NO, I'M NOT!" he shouted back.

Self-consciously I turned around and saw Joel, Lilly, and Adriana's eyes on me and Benji. I turned back to Benji.

"I'm not doing this now." I uncrossed my arms and walked back towards the truck.
"Fine!" he shouted back childishly.

I went and helped Joel put boxes on the truck. Benji played with the dogs in the street. Tony came up behind me.

"Well thanks Jessa!" he spat. "Renee doesn't wanna move now."
"What?" my eyes went wide.
"She thinks we've been too rash. She says she has to think things over."
"I, I'm sorry, Tony. Really."
"Yeah." He picked up a box bitterly and started to take them back upstairs.

Joel made a face, wiping sweat off his brow.

"You mean we have to take everything off the truck?"
"No, Ikea?" Lilly pouted.
"No, Lil, no Ikea." I shook my head.

Why did Renee take everything I'd said so seriously? Ugh, I didn't like to start a new project while in personal distress. In 3 days I was flying to Toronto to began shooting my newest project and there were tensions all over. What else could go wrong?

"Joel, what time is it?" Benji asked, trying to settle the dogs down.
***
Joel set his box down and glanced at his left wrist.

"Quarter til, what's up."
"Can I take your car?"
"The Benz?" Oh God, not your baby, Joel?!
"Yeah."
"What for?"

Jessa hadn't turned around to glare at me yet, but her expressions were almost mirrored onto Joel who was facing her.

"Just let me use it alright."

And here it is. Jess spun around.

"Where are you going?"
"Somewhere." I really couldn't let this secret out.

Jess was extremely angry, I could tell. Her face was twisted, eyes narrowed, arms crossed. She looked like a bitchy cheerleader.

"You're going 'somewhere', 'nobody' was on the phone! What the fuck, Benji? What's going on?"

I opened my mouth to speak, but Jess cut me off.

"Oh wait let me guess…'nothing'! Am I right?" She pulled car keys out of her pocket and threw them at me. "Fine then asshole, you can just go."
"Jess?"

She walked away from me.

"Jessa!?" I called.
"Don't bother coming home. 'Nobody' isn't there!" She cried not looking at me.

I shut my eyes and sighed. Fuck. Double edge sword. I picked up the keys on the ground.

"Dude?" Joel stared at me. "Where are you going?"
"I gotta go."
"Benji! You're going to leave Jess like this?"
"I gotta go." I repeated and got into the new red explorer Jess and I had been sharing.

Joel stared at me as I pulled out. No, Joel didn't know either. It was between me and God.
***
It was about midnight and Benji crawled into bed next to me. Around 5, when Joel dropped me and the dogs off, Benji was already back. I came in through the back leaving Cash and Lennon outside, although Lennon whimpered. He was down in the basement. I heard loud guitar wailing, so I left him. I didn't really feel like fighting anyway.

I didn't understand what was going on with him. what was with the sudden secret identity? Mystery calls, sudden departures. Even Joel didn't know. I didn't understand that if Benj had a problem why he didn't come to me. Why wasn’t he sharing with me the way we always had?

Benji grabbed my waist. I pulled away. He nuzzled behind my ears.

"Mmm, baby?" He breathed into my hair.

I didn't talk to him. I wasn't going to.

"Baby, c'mon, let's make love." He continued to kiss my neck and ears.
"No!" I said firmly and freed my body from his grasp.

Right Benji, we'll have sex and that will solve everything!

"Jess!" He actually sounded surprised. "C'mon, baby, please?"

He was begging? He hasn't done that since…well since before we were together.

"I'm not going to fuck you!" I spat.
"FINE!" he retorted.
"FINE!" I shouted back.

I felt him shift and turn over. We had our backs to each other.

"I don't know what your problem is." He said with spite.

You don't! You fucking moron!

"You are." I returned childishly.
"Whatever." I felt him tear off the covers and get out of bed.

Fine, let him. it's what he gets for lying to me. I could withhold sex forever. I made him wait 7 months hadn't I? The door opened and slammed. Another door opened and it too, slammed. What was he gonna do? Sleep in the dog's room? Dumbfuck.

I decided to get up too. I felt like a nice long hot bath. I hated fighting with Benji. I hated it. but I was not the one to blame. I'm not going to just let it go. I do that too much. I'm really sick of it. Once and awhile Benji has to take responsibility for his own actions.

I went into the bathroom and ran a hot bath. I slipped out of my pj's and slid my body into the water. It felt like instant comfort.

I laid my head back and closed my eyes. Just letting the comfort, comfort me. I felt myself going to that warm good place between awake and sleep. I felt it then.

Benji's warm wet lips on my forehead. His hands were on my shoulders. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. he was sitting on the stool behind me. I leaned my head on his arm. He squeezed my shoulders, saying he was sorry without saying it outloud.

"Say it, Benji." I ordered in a whisper.
He squeezed again. "I'm sorry."

He released my shoulders and stood up. Benji's clothes hit the floor and he slid into the large tub with me. He laid his head in the notch of my shoulder and neck.

"I just wanna love you Jess." He kissed my neck and pulled me to him. "I do stupid things, but believe me, I just wanna love you."

I believed him.

Part 3
Thirteen. 13 hours and 24 minutes and I would be boarding a Toronto bound plane. I was excited about starting a new project, but I was already homesick. Benji was here, not to mention all my friends, and Lennon and Cash. I was gonna be all alone out there. I'd never felt so lonely. I stirred my cookie around my coffee again.

"Babe, you all packed?" Benji tossed his sweatshirt on the back of the chair.
"Will you ever pick up after yourself?"

He picked up the sweatshirt obediently. I grinned. I stood up and walked across the room.

"Good puppy." I patted his head.
"Ruff." Benji replied and licked my face.

I laughed. "Stop it that tickles."

He licked me some more. I laughed and smacked his ass.

"Bad puppy."
"I am a bad puppy. I'm a very bad boy." He flashed lust filled eyes.

I playfully slapped his cheek.

"Not now." I stepped away from him.

Benji made a face. "AWW, why not?"
"I haven't finished packing." I answered. "C'mon help me."

Benji followed me upstairs. Stared at my half full suitcase lying open on the bed. I wished Benji would throw all my clothes out and make me stay.

"I don't wanna pack." Benji said and pulled my body to him.
"Benj." He kissed my neck.
"I want you." he whispered.
"I want you to want me." I whispered back facing him so that we could kiss properly.

I suddenly grinned and began singing. "I want you to want me."
"I need you to need me." Benji finished.
"I love you to love me."
"I'm begging you to beg me." Benji grinned wide, trying to move us towards the bed.

As Benji began unbuttoning my shirt the phone rang. Benji was kissing my neck as I reached for the phone. It tumbled off it's base, my fingers not coordinated enough to grab it. I let it bounce onto the floor as Benji removed my pants. I ran my hands through his spiky blue-ish hair. It had been purple week before last. It made him look…little boyish.

I massaged my hands on his shoulders and quickly worked to remove his shirt. When we were both almost naked Benji stopped. The hot, burning, fire passion was gone and replaced with slow, gentle, sensuous love. The all-day kinda love. Benji kicked the suitcase off the bed and began using his thick hands to massage my body. I shut my eyes and prepared for the long journey.
***
"Hello?" I yawned into the phone.
"Were you sleeping?" Joel asked, sounding strangely concerned.
"I sorta just got up."

We'd never actually gotten to the sex part. We tired each other out with foreplay and kissing and hugging. Benji had been busy giving me a hickey when I fell asleep on him. I woke up in darkness and Benji's naked body on top of mine.

I didn't mind not having sex and neither did Benji. Doing all the other intimate things was sometimes good on it's own and we felt satisfied. We'd gotten reclothed and finished packing me up. I was in what was Lennon's pseudo bedroom looking for my gloves in the closet, Benji back in the room forcing my case shut, when the phone rang.

"So, what's going on with Benji?"
"I still don’t know." I said moving a shoebox.
"What do you think?"
"Joel, it could be anything, couldn't it? but I don't wanna argue with him about it and leave mad."
"I thought you didn't want to let things go."
"I know but…"
"C'mon Jess I know you have a guess."
"You know my guess. I think he might be drinking again." I tried to keep my voice down.
"Jess if he was drinking we'd already know. We would. Don't be worried about it."
"Well I am damn it." I shouted at him. I got quiet. "What else would he not tell me? Or tell you? Or Tony or somebody."
"I dunno." Joel said quietly.
"This isn't like him at all. But for the past month or so he's gotten…I dunno secretive. And he doesn’t feel like he has to apologize for it. Seriously Joel, if he isn't drinking…what else could it be?"

Joel didn't say anything. He felt it too. Something was wrong with Benji. He was hiding a big life altering secret. And I was almost scared to find out what.

"What are you gonna do, Jess?"

I shook my head.

"I'm gonna let him come to me."
"Are you sure?"
"Everytime I straight out ask, we fight. I don't wanna fight."
"If you think it's best."
"I do."
"Okay." I could almost see Joel's frown. "Well have a safe trip. See you soon."
"Uh huh, bye Joel." My gloves were sitting on top of the shelf in the closet. I picked them up.
"Bye."

We hung up. What is it Benji? What's wrong?

"Jessa?"
***
I looked down at the small velvet box in my palm. I was almost too scared to open it, but it wasn't as if I didn't already know what was inside. I looked behind me, Jessa was still in the other room.

"Well I am damn it." she said into the phone.

I snapped it open. The tiny ring inside forced a sharp intake of breath on my part. The shock and overwhelming was there, that's what I wanted to garner. I'd been designing this for months and it still surprised me. It had so much meaning, a tiny thing. A bauble.

I still didn't know how I was gonna ask her. No plan was good enough. But I couldn't wait for it to happen. To slip it on to one of her delicate fingers. I couldn't wait…

I shuttered. I didn't wanna think like that again. But Jessa wasn't gonna say no. I wasn't gonna wait this time. I wasn't gonna hold out until it was almost over. Looking over all those things that happened, I realized that I was playing myself. I knew that something was wrong and I glossed over that and instead thought about a future I knew would never be. There had never been fairy tales before, why did I think it would change?

But this wasn't then. I was more in love with Jessa than I could love Georgie. I've never let so much of my guard down. I'd never been so naked to anybody, not even Joel.

I snapped the case shut. And promised myself that I would let it happen. If the moment came I would seize it.

"Jessa!" I called, replacing the box back in my pocket. I walked into the extra room just as Jessa hung up the phone.

"Ready to go?" I kissed her cheek.
Jess grinned. "Yeah."
"Who was on the phone?" I asked as we went downstairs.
"Joel."
"He didn't want to talk to me?"
"Nope." She laughed. "He does have other people in his life besides you, Benj!"
"Haha! He wishes!" I smirked and carried her two bags to the car.

Jessa went back into the back office and met me at the car a few minutes later. She smiled, but it was phony. I saw how forced it was. I saw the tiny glassy tears in the corners of her eyes.

"Jessa?"
"Yeah, babe?"
"Are you ok?"
"Uh huh. Yeah."
"Are you sure?" I got into the driver's side and Jess sat shotgun.
"Of course I am." Her voice shook.
"Jess?" I looked at her seriously.

Her eyes became scared because she knew I could read her mind. She knew that I could tell she was lying.

"I miss you." she said sadly.
My heart melted. "Aww baby, it's gonna be okay. We'll be seeing each other again in no time."
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Babe, I know so." I began to pull out. "You're gonna get to Toronto and get so caught up in your movie you won't have time to miss me and when you finally do. I'll be there."

She smiled at me.

"I love you."
"I love you more." I grinned.
***
My plane was about to board. I felt so sad. I felt like I was leaving Benji when he needed me. Or maybe I needed him and I felt like I was losing him.

I hoped to God, Joel and I weren't right about Benji. I don't know what I'd do if he was drinking again. Why would he do that? What would drive him to drinking again? Me? What did I do? How can I fix it?

"Flight 34 to Toronto, rows 1-25 now boarding." The overhead speakers said.

"That's you." Benji kissed my cheek.
"That's me." I didn't try to hide the melancholy in my voice.
"Baby, it's gonna be ok."
"Is it Benj?" I stared deep into his chocolaty eyes searching for answers that should be there.
"Yes, it is Jessa. I promise." He leaned his forehead against mine.

Benji walked me to the gate. I stood in line with the other passengers. Benji stood off to the side, smiling and waving at me. I stopped before I got to the flight attendants. I turned around and went to Benji.

"Jessa?" he smiled and looked at me curiously.
"Who was on the phone Benji?"

He looked away.

"Benji, who was on the phone?" Hurt filled my voice, but I didn't get angry.
"Uh…" a tiny sound escaped his mouth.

I let the pain swallow me and I cried.

"Oh, Benji." I turned my back to him and handed my ticket to the man at the gate.

"Jessa! Wait!" Benji ran after me, but I didn't turn my back.
***
The flight attendants restrained me. Seize. Seize, the words rang in my head.

"Jessa!" I cried. "Jessa! Marry me! Marry me, Jessa!"

She disappeared into the metal corridor and I stopped resisting them. I fell to the floor on my knees. I couldn't believe it. my heart beat fast in my chest. I thought I was dying.

"I think that was a no." The male attendant said.

Part 4
I felt the familiar feeling that I was gonna be sick. Really sick. Had Benji…what? I felt really confused. Why did he ask me now? As an attempt to say sorry? What the fuck? W-? Thoughts were incomplete in my head. I didn't know what to think or feel but Benji was in LA and I was on a plane towards Canada.

I tried to shut my eyes to sleep, but I knew I wouldn't. Was he serious? Was he really honestly proposing? Did I just break his heart? Or was he just trying to get me to turn around? Would Benji ever do something like that? I didn't know, for the first time in a long time I didn't know Benji.

I didn't understand why he was acting the way he was acting. I was hurt and angry and confused. I felt like the little girl I still was. I wasn't ready was I? I told Benji I loved him, I planned on being his wife and everything, but hadn't I planned to be Dylan's? Hadn't I told Dylan I loved him?

Why was he doing this to me? Why wasn't he even thinking about MY feelings? I was fed up. Fed up with being the grown up, while Benji gets to fall to pieces all over me. He needs me. I wanna need him. I wanna cry my problems all over Benji. I want him to make me alright. Thinking now, I realized he didn't do that for me. I was constantly understanding and constantly reminding him he's great. I wanna be the dependent one. I wasn't the strong one, I knew that, but Benji never let me be weak either.

Benji's problems, Benji's problems, it was always Benji's problems. Benji is an alcoholic. Benji had his heart stomped on. Benji, Benji, Benji. I felt like Jan from the Brady Bunch.

Benji, Benji, Benji…What's wrong baby? What's wrong with us?
***
"What the hell happened Jess?" Joel sounded too loud.

I adjusted the volume on my phone.

"Benji isn't talking. He won't talk to anybody. I mean he barely leaves the house."

I sighed.

"Jessa!" Joel screamed. "What the hell did you do to him?"
"Yes, I did it! It's my fault. Fuck you ,Joel, it's not your business."
"Jessa?"
"What!? I don't need to answer to you."
"What happened? Was he drinking again?"
"Why is it always Benji's problems? Why does he get to have excuses? He gets to be a fuck up. Not me I do something I'm a bitch, I'm an evil whore."
"Jessa?" Joel sounded confused.

I didn't sound like me and hadn't since getting off the plane a week ago. Maybe I wasn't me. maybe…maybe….

Suddenly I cried into the phone.

"Jess?" Joel sounded concerned. "Sweetie what happened?"

I couldn't speak I just cried. I wished I wasn't on the phone. I wished Joel could touch me now, rub my back with nice warm circles. Or better Benji. I wanted Benji. My Benji.

"I gotta go."

I hung up on Joel and dialed home. Benji picked up in 2 rings.

"Baby?" he said worriedly. Did we have caller id?
"Baby?" I sobbed.
"I've been worried. You never called." He had earnest concern in his voice, not hurt, no anger.
"You, you don't hate me?"
"No, Jess…"
"Why not!? I basically said screw you Benji, NO!"
"No, Jess, I knew that wasn't…I knew I did it wrong."

Like I'd been hit with a dozen bricks I reeled with thoughts. A zillion pictures zoomed in and out of my head.

…" I'm Benji." "I'm Jessa."…Benji's hands in my hair…"I love you" …"this is called 'J's song'"…"I love you"…."I’m her boyfriend"…Benji's smile…brown eyes…"I love you"…"You're always on my mind and in my heart Jess, even when I don't want you to be."…"I'm gonna marry you one day."…the taste of Benji's salty sweet skin…"I love you"…"STOP Benji, you're hurting me!"…Benji's tears…"I love you"…"I love you"…"I love you more."…"I know"…

I know. It didn't matter, nothing mattered. He could forgive me of murder and I could forgive him. This was real, so real…

"Benji?" I cried
"Jessa, don't cry. Please. Don't cry."
"I can't help it."
"I read your letter."

The letter! I'd forgotten about that.

"Baby, I'm so sorry. I went about this so wrong." He said.
***
Benj, I won't be here when you read this. But I haven't been able to talk to you. I don't understand what's going on, but there is something you're not telling me. It hurts me so much that you won't tell me. Benji, I promised you that I would be here through thick and thin for you. That whatever was going on I wouldn't abandon you. You never promised you wouldn't abandon me. are you? Benji, baby, are you drinking again? Please tell me I'm wrong, please tell me that you would never go back to that and not reach out for my help, or anybody's help. I love you, you know that, and if you don't I'm saying it again. Please Benji, tell me what's wrong.
All my love,
Jess
***
"I'm not drinking Jessa."

I sighed of relief.

"I, I did this so wrong. I was, I…"
"You were planning on proposing?" I asked. "And I thought something was wrong. I thought you were lying to me and hiding. I didn't think it was gonna be something good. Damn it."

I was so angry with myself. He was trying to be romantic, the way he always was and I ruined it.

"Jessa, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I am."
"For what, Benji? For loving me? For wanting to be my husband?"
"But I hurt you." He said quietly.
"I'm sorry Benji. I'm sorry that…I'm sorry, I ruined everything."
"How could I blame you?" He explained. "I wouldn't tell you anything. I kept taking off and I didn't tell anybody, this time. Not Tony or even Joel. I didn't want to mess up this time."

We were both quiet. Neither of us knew what to say. Where do we go from here? He asked me to marry him and I walked away. But I didn't mean it as a no. I would have said yes if I hadn't been so confused. If I understood the situation. But I still loved him, he still loved me, we weren't breaking up, but what WAS happening?

"Jessa?" There was a knock on my door, I was on the set. "Are we ready to begin?"
"Give me a minute." I called. "Benji?"
"Yeah."
"I gotta go now."
"Okay. Don't worry Jess. It's okay. Okay?"
"Uh huh."
"I'll see you soon. I love you."
"I know."

I could almost see Benji smiling.

"I love you, bye." I said.
"Bye."

I hung up the phone. And glanced at the photo of Benji and Joel I tacked up on my wall in my trailer. I pressed my fingers to my lips and kissed them, then placed them against Benji.

Part 5
The wheels were turning much too slow. The hands on the clock must be stuck. We'd been on the bus ages, it seemed. We weren't in Toronto yet!

"Benji could you stop being so antsy?" Billy put his hand firmly on my thigh to stop it from moving.
"Sorry."
"We'll be in Toronto soon, so chill." Billy rolled his eyes.

I couldn't help it. A month of no Jess, I was going crazy. We'd talked on the phone a lot, in between schedules, but I still hadn't seen her face since that day in the airport.

"Dude how far IS Toronto from Buffalo?" Joel looked at the clock.

Alex too was in Toronto. She'd only been there 2 weeks but to Joel it was hell. He wouldn't have been with her anyway because of the tour, but being able to see her now was keeping his blood pressure up.

"I can't stand this." I stood up.

I fished my hand into my bunk and pulled out my phone. I dialed Jess. There was one ring. And then…

"DUDE! Would you stop calling me? You stalker!"

beep

"Jessa, it's me, your stalker. Listen baby, I'm gonna be there soon. I guess you're busy right now, but I'll see you really soon. I love you." I hung up.

I had to admit I was a little disappointed. I wanted to talk to her, but I supposed it would be soon enough. Damn it doesn't this bus go any faster?

My phone was ringing and Jessa's name flashed across the screen.
***
"Ms. Cassablankiss?" The red-headed kid said. "I think your phone's ringing."
"See who it is?" I said squinting in the afternoon sunlight.

He soon returned with the phone in his hand. His face looked quizzical.

"It says 'superman'?"
"What?" I spun around.
"Who's superman?" He asked as I yanked the phone from him and called Benji back.
"My hero!" I grinned and stepped away.

"Hey!" Benji said sounding loud and clear and right here.
"Hi!" I smiled.
"We're almost there."
"Great. I miss you."
"I miss you too."

Both listened to each other breathing on our opposite ends. Not having anything to say. Just happy to hear each other's voice.

"Miss Cassa…"
"Shut up." I snapped. "Benji?"
"Yeah, babe?"
"I have to go."
"It's okay, I'll see you in an hour."
"Okay." I didn't want to hang up.
"And Jessa."
"What?"
"I love you."
"I love you too, Benj."
"But I love you more." He actually made a kiss noise into the phone, it was so corny I blushed.
"Okay, you love me most." I kissed back.
"Bye bye, Jess."
"Bye, Benji."

We hung up. I grinned.

"Miss Cassablankiss"
"What?" I said irritated. "It's CAW-suh-Blon-cus."
"Sorry," the red-head blushed. "Cawsuhblankiss. Uh, yeah, so the stage is set up and…"

He kept talking but I wasn't really listening. I was thinking about Benji. Benji wanted to marry me. Benji had been planning on it. In the past few weeks all I thought about was how he'd actually been proposing. That meant…what? That he'd try again. He would wouldn't he?
***
"Benji, did you just make kissing noises over the phone?"

I blushed.

"Dude, that's corny!" Billy made a face.
"Shut up."
"Why are you so…anti-touchy-feely?" Paul curled his lip.
"Anti-touchy-feely?"
"Yeah, everytime Lilly and I are, like, close you get all disgusted."

Billy shrugged.

"Well it's just a running gag now, but I mean you know what it was before."

Paul laughed.

It was quite memorable the crush little Billy had on our Lilly. Paul wanted to kick his ass. Billy was so scared of Paul finding out he liked his girlfriend. I mean, Billy never would have made a move on Lilly, never and Lilly wouldn't have stood for it anyway, but Billy did get a longing look in his eyes when he looked at her. Eventually Lilly found out. She thought it was sweet, because Billy was a kid brother to her. So she kissed little Bill and told Paul. Paul got really upset and Lilly didn't understand why. She only did it cause she thought Billy was sweet, she didn't like him.

It was an interesting memory. Billy used to get genuinely upset when the two of them would use his basement as a meeting place when their parents denied them visitation rights. Telling them they were disgusting and crude. It was funny.

Billy shrugged.

"I'm not anti-touchy feely. I just…Benji was being corny!" he shouted.
"Well…" Paul thought about it. "I don't think even I would make kissy noises."
"Shut up!" I sneered.
"Well did Jessa do it first?" Billy asked.

I was quiet a beat too long and they both burst out laughing.

"Fuck you guys!"
"Aww, c'mon Benji, were just playing. Really, is everything good for you guys?" Billy sounded genuinely concerned.
"Sure."
"What's that mean?" Paul gave me a funny look.
"That it's good."

The both looked at each other and then me.

"What?"
"Benji…" Paul stopped as soon as he started.
"It's just…I mean, you guys have been together awhile now and…maybe it's time to start thinking about…ya know…stuff beyond boyfriend girlfriend."
"How do you know I haven’t?"

Paul dropped his jaw. He would, it took him how long to marry Lilly? I mean, as fast as they moved through high school things got really slow, really fast.

"You…You're planning on proposing?" Paul sounded amazed.
"I tried once."
"What do you mean "tried"?" Paul eyebrows made one fuzzy caterpillar along his forehead.
"Did Jessa say 'No'??" Billy's eyes were wide.
"No."
"Then she said 'yes'?" Paul asked.
"No."
"Benji!" They said together.

I sighed.

"I tried to ask her, before she left on the plane. She…" I wasn't sure I could tell them. "She didn't turn around. She didn't say anything."
"WHAT??!" Paul screamed. "How could she not say anything?"
"She just didn't. She was confused."
"Confused?" Billy raised an eyebrow. "I think she was more than confused, Benj."
"Things are good now, though?" Paul stared.
"Well, yeah."
"Are you sure Benji?" Billy asked.
"Of course I am. I know Jessa."
"Dude, I've known Lilly, like, my entire life and I've been in love with her for more than 10 years and I still don't know her. I mean, there are times and I can't figure her out."
"Exactly, girls can be…"
"Look, Jessa and I are gonna be fine." I said maybe too defensively, but they both backed off.

The truth was maybe things weren't so FINE. We had talked a lot and I missed her and couldn't wait to see her, but there was this nagging in the pit of my stomach. Something that made me feel sick. It almost felt like nerves, like the first time we played a show, a real show. Joel was sweating so badly and I really thought I was gonna be sick, but we had made it through. We survived. We always did.

I retreated to the back of the bus. I sat down on one of the couches and sighed. I had stopped carrying the velvet box in my pocket. It was buried in my dufflebag with a ton of socks and t-shirts and underwear. I tried not to think about it. I had it, it was ready whenever we were.

"Yo." Joel sat next to me.
"Hey."
"What's up with you?" Joel stared.

I shook my head.

"C'mon, Benj, I'm not stupid."
"I'll tell ya later?" I asked.

Joel let it go, he knew better.

"Hey, what are you and Jess doing tonight?" Joel bit his lip.

I shrugged. Cuddling? Movie? Make out sesh, off to bed. Sounds nice. Jesus, we're boring.

"Wanna do something with me and Alex?"
"I dunno, what?"
"It's a secret." Joel made a happy-kid-on-Christmas face.
I raised my eyebrow. "What are we doing Joel?"

Joel grinned again.
***
The lot was much bigger than Jessa made it sound on the phone, but I suppose that's to be expected. I hundred people walked around in 100 different directions. I felt lost. I needed to find someone who looked like they knew something.

"Hey." I flagged down a man in brown coat.
"Yeah?"
"Do you know where I can find Jessa?"
"Who-uh?"
"Jessa Casablancas?"
"Oh, Blanks?"
"Blanks?" Who the fuck is Blanks?
"Yeah, hey Tone!" He flagged down a guy in a dirty t-shirt reading "My child is a superstar at Chapelle Day School"
"Sup?" He stared at me.
"This guy's looking for Blanks." He motioned to me.

Blanks must be Jessa. Odd nickname.

"Oh yeah." He sized me up. "What fer?"
"I'm her boyfriend."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah." I got defensive.
"Never 'spect Blanks to like 'em…"
"Like 'em what?" I spat.
"You just don't seem her type."
"Whatever, where is she?"

He motioned for me to follow.

The sun was nearly set and I could see the silhouette of Jessa. She was standing on top of a huge scaffolding structure. Long hair in a pony tail, wearing old men's Levi's she probably bought at a thrift store and a white t-shirt.

"Yo, Blanks!"
"What's up?" She yelled down and spotted me. "Benj!"

She climbed down as quickly as she could. Mowing a red-headed kid down and running for me.

"Benji!" she cried and wrapped petite arms around me. I returned the embrace.

"I missed you." She whispered, holding me like she had found everything she had been waiting for.

Before I could respond she kissed me. Passionate, spectacle like kissing, the kind of kissing she didn't participate in on a normal basis because she thought it was an intimate thing. She didn't want to share it with anybody but me and God.

I reeled from the kiss and she laughed. She stood close to me and intertwined her arm with mine.

"Benji." She said my name again like just the syllables made her happy.
"I missed you too, Jess."
"You kinda knocked me down, there, boss." The red-head brushed his bony structure off.
Jess smirked. "Sorry, Sparky."

I shook my head and laughed.

"Sparky? That's a dog's name!"
"So's Benji!" Jessa pointed out.
"Ok, Blanks!"
Jessa laughed. "How do you like the name?"
"That's great, cahh-suh-BLANK-iss, huh?" I laughed and Jess nodded.
"That and she's a horrible actress." Another man joined us.

He was tall and had a day's worth of scruff, shadowing his face. He looked to be in his late 30's and had that rugged, man's man look. I'm sure most woman, including Jessa, found him attractive. It made me oddly jealous and I gripped her hand. MINE.

"Shut up, Kate."

Did she just call him Kate?

"You've never memorized one line."
"Director's rule, actor's drool!" She stuck her tongue out.
"So, you’re the little man?" He asked. "Samuel Kate." He extended a hand.

I took it, his hands were soft and womanish.

"Benji."
"Kate's the acting supervisor." Jessa explained.
"And I was her acting teacher…"
"Teaching assistant!" Jessa corrected, rolling her eyes.
"But J, couldn't be taught. She went blank on every line…"
"Not every line." Jess shook her head.
"She'd start making stuff up."

Jess buried her face into my shoulder in embarrassment.

"But you were great at that. Improvising." He reassured her. Then looked at me. "She did make up a lot of off the wall stuff, though. A lot of one liners about the Pope. Ya know, Jess I think you have some unresolved religious issues."

She rolled her eyes.

"Okay, that's enough." Jessa freed herself from my arm.

"Alright guys, were not gonna be able to get this today!" She shouted. "Were calling it a day!"

She returned to me with a giant grin. I glanced at my watch, great we had time.

"Uh, Miss…"
"Sparky?" She took a commanding tone as she turned.
"Well are you sure? I mean you could do some of the night…"
"I'm calling it a day, Sparks. Go do the same, enjoy some time off. I know, I'm a tyrant."
"But…"
"Look, I'm in charge of my shooting schedule and I'll work it all out. So, can you just not complain about NOT having to work a 20 hour day? Okay?" She rolled her eyes.
"Okay." He said quietly.
"Good, have a good night, Sparky."
"'Night. Nice to meet you…B-"
"Benji!" Jessa finished. "Now scoot."

When Sparky had gone she grinned back at me and wrapped her arms around my neck. I smiled back.

"C'mon" I took her hand and led her back off the lot.
"Benji!" she pulled back.
"What? We gotta go."
"I need to get my stuff. Wait, go where?"
"Somewhere…with Joel and Alex."
"Well, I'm gonna get my stuff in my trailer. Give me two shakes."

I did a little dance and she giggled.

"Oh, Benji."

Part 6
Benji gripped my hand and led me. I followed as quickly as my legs would take me. He was walking really fast. I didn't even realize what was going on exactly. He hadn't said much of anything in the cab and now we were at the airport racing through terminal after terminal.

"B-Benji?" I said with bounce in my voice.
"22…23…huh? What's up?" He looked back at me for a second. "24! Were here!"
"Benji?" He pulled me in the direction of terminal 24.
"Benji! Jessa! Over here" Joel was waving his arms over his head.

"You guys just barely made it." Joel said as we approached he and Alex, sitting next to a huge potted plant.
"Okay, now can some one fill me in?" I gasped for air.

Joel looked at Benji quizzically.

"You didn't tell her?"
"There wasn't time."
"Yeah, like during the cab ride?" I shot sarcastically.
"We're flying to AC." Joel announced.
"AC?" I was shocked.
"Atlantic City." He explained.
"I know what AC stands for, but were going there? Tonight? Right, now?" I stared at Benji and Joel.
"Yeah, plane leaves in 15 minutes."
"15 minutes! Don't you guys have a show here tomorrow?"
"We'll fly there now and fly back on a 6am flight. We'll be back in plenty of time." Joel explained, wiggling his legs, wanting badly to not stand in one place any longer.

I looked at Alex. She shrugged.

"Don't look at me. He's the mastermind." She motioned to Joel. "He dragged me out of my office. Like literally, he slung me over his shoulder and carried me away."
Joel grinned. "It's like a movie."
"It was like embarrassing!" Alex put her face in her hands. "Jimmy actually called me to see if I was okay. The office bitches said I'd been kidnapped by 'some punk.'"
"But of course they didn't so anything to stop him. I mean they thought you were REALLY being kidnapped. I hate those chicks." I crossed my arms.

The 3 woman working in the production office were the bitchiest snobs to ever live and Alex and I were united against them. Jimmy Plantar, was our managing producer, aka the babysitter the studio had sent.

"At least they called Jimmy. So, how'd you get out, there was a night shoot tonight wasn't there." Alex shrugged.
"Well, I'd kinda planned on cutting it anyway, so I could be with Benj."
"Oh, okay then."
"Alex aren't you supposed to advise me against cutting production hours?"
"Hey, let the producers yell about that."
"And Jimmy will."
"Okay. No more work talk." Joel grasped Alex's hand standing between us. "For the next however many hours it will be a no work zone, alright?"
"Alright, but remember our time limit, Joel." Benji warned.
"Shush." Joel put his hands over his brother's mouth. "No work zone!"

I laughed. Joel was as goofy as Benji sometimes.

We began boarding and I soon realized we weren't alone. Three teenage girls giggled behind us. I turned around slightly and looked at them. The girl's blushed.

"We've got carry on." I whispered to Benji.
"Huh?" he spun around coming face to face with the girls.
"Hi." They gasped, wide eyed at Benji.
"Hello." Benji replied awkwardly and faced forward again.

The girls gasped and talked loudly. Commenting on how adorable Benji looked and about how they thought his hair was blue now (he had gone back to the black after I'd flown to Toronto). They went on to say Joel looked really 'delicious' and that they'd lick chocolate off his body. I wonder if they knew that they weren't whispering and they we could hear every word.

We boarded the plane finding our seats fairly quickly. It wasn't a very full flight and I was grateful. In recent months people had started to notice me, especially if I was with Benji and it wasn't always so fun.

Joel, Alex, Benji and I were seated together in the center seats. Unfortunately, our fan club was seated behind us. Although, I wouldn't doubt the girls were not sitting in their "assigned" seats. They continued talking loudly, not caring that we overheard them, obviously, but it was getting on my nerves. I wasn't really in the mood to share Benji with other people. I was really happy to be with him after a long empty, lonely month and these girls were not letting me enjoy my short Benji time.

We were twenty minutes into the flight and the girls had not finished chattering away about the twins. The twins hair, the twins lips, the twins eyes, which twin was smarter, faster, cuter, more talented. Twice I'd turned around and glared at them, once the leader (named Naomi) made a face and the next time I was greeted with the finger. Joel glanced back at them a few times, looking them over with disgust as they treated us all to their fantasies about nailing both the twins. The morons were too lost to notice.

"I told you they weren't single." The red-head, and only sane one, noted.
"Look, I didn't see any rings." Naomi told the other two.

Benji shifted in his seat and so did Joel.

"Those are obviously their girlfriend's."
"If they're not married to them…" Naomi hissed loudly. "Then the boys are fair game."

Joel had enough. He turned around and face the girls, surprising them all into straight up positions.

"Would you knock it off…please?" Joel added, ever polite. "It's not really cool to be talking about us when we can overhear you. It's getting really ridiculous and I'd like you to stop so we can enjoy the rest of our flight."

The girls all nodded and Joel turned back around.

"Geez, he's kinda touchy." I could overhear them still.
"I know, I'd be flattered."

"My fucking God! Flattered?" Joel turned around again, completely enraged. "Look I'm on my way to get MARRIED!"

Alex's mouth opened slightly, making a tiny "o."

"…to the one woman I want and she's sitting next to me. I don't want you, I wouldn't have sex with you, and I'm not flattered in the slightest. So just fucking quit it."

Every one of the girls stared at Joel like children guilty of drawing on the wall with crayons.

"Joel?" Benji flicked his eyes towards his brother.

Joel seemed to fully understand what he'd just said. He looked at Alex. Her mouth was still bent in a perfect ring.

"Al?" He touched her shoulder gently.

Alex faced him and just stared a few seconds.

"Alex I'm…"

Alex silenced him with a long, passionate kiss. The girls all gasped.

"I love you." I could make out her whisper when she took her lips from his.

I smiled at them. It was so incredibly sweet and romantic. I looked over at the morons and stuck my tongue out at them. I looked to Benji for his reaction. He sighed.

"I gotta take a piss." He got up and maneuvered around me.

What was with him?
***
I couldn’t do this. I couldn't do this. I couldn’t go a watch my brother get married and see Jessa's face when she knew that wasn't happening for us. At least not yet. I couldn't watch her heart break and fill with jealousy when they became Mr. and Mrs. Madden. She couldn't pretend she didn't want that too.

Hell, I couldn't pretend I wasn't gonna be a little envious. It should be us, shouldn't it? Sure Joel suggested we all get married, but I said no. I said 'no,' why? Maybe I was still hurt. I told Jess I understood she didn't say anything, but did I? I might have understood, but I hadn't accepted that. Accepted, that she had refused me.

And what now things would go back to normal? There's a laugh. Jessa and me being normal and happy, yeah right. I looked up. You've got better plans again?

I shook my head. It felt like this was it. This was all we were ever going to be. All we do is hit this huge brick walls. Then we pick up the pieces and hit another one. I want to be with Jess. That's all I want. I want us to be happy. We should be happy, shouldn't we? Jessa should be happy and ever since she turned her back on me I thought about how maybe she never would be happy with me.

I bring her down with all my problems, my insecurities. I became her burden. She was young and energetic and everything and I came along and fucked her up. Because I fell in love with her and she fell in love with me and she took responsibility for me. If she married me she'd be taking on my burden, and I couldn't ask her to do that. I wouldn't do that to her. She should be allowed to be 24-years-old. I shouldn't be here making her commit to things she's not ready for.

I love her, dear God, I love her, but…

There shouldn't be a 'but.' I love her and that's what matters. That's what counts…right?
***
Benji came back and sat down next to me. He sighed when looked over at Joel and Alex. I laced my fingers with his and leaned my head on his shoulder. I missed him.

It had been a strange month. Benji's words echoed in my head "Marry me, Jessa, marry me." I had always thought I'd be ready. That I'd sorta know when it was gonna happen. That big romantic surprises don't happen in real life. God, was I stupid. Of course they're real. Benji's real. Benji is romantic and I'm a dumbass.

But I said no, well I didn't say no, but I did. I said no in the way I didn't turn around. I said no in the way that I didn't call him right away. It was so easy to make Benji my problem left behind. It was easy to work and not think about marriage or commitments or anything except budgets, shooting schedules, cast calls, and the melt-in-your-mouth doughnuts off the catering truck.

But when the shooting was done for the day and I went back to my ugly empty apartment, I thought about Benji. I was so wrong. Why did I think he was drinking? The more I thought that the stupider it sounded. I felt incredibly naive and stupid. Benji wanted to marry me. MARRY ME! And I ruined it.

Would he ask me again? I wouldn't ask me again. But I thought about what he'd said about loving me anyway. Forgiving me. The way I'd forgiven him for hurting me. That I'd never do anything truly wrong cause he loves me, regardless. There's something special to that, but that's not enough.

It isn't enough for us to stay in this constant limbo. Where there's always questions. Always lies. Always uncertainties. Always new problems. Our relationship was threatened every single day. And I would swear to God how much I love him, but…

There should never be a but. There never had been before. I gripped Benji tighter. He looked down at me and squeezed my hand.

"Jessa?" he murmured.

"We are beginning to land." Came the voice from above. "Would all passengers please return their trays…"

The announcements went on and Benji said no more as the plane landed.

Part 7
"Well, Joel, likes games. Especially if he's the 'corrections' officer."
I made a face and held up my hands. "Eww, that's quite enough of that."

Alex laughed. The twins had gone to the bathroom, leaving Alex and I in the lobby of the hotel. The casino, to our left, was full of the sounds of glasses clinking and coins dropping. In front of us was a wedding chapel called "Le Love Shack" next to, what else, a Starbucks. Not exactly the wedding of dreams, but it had that cute spur-of-the-moment, I-have-to-have-you-right-here-right-now kinda romance. Still, Alex was wearing a pair of khaki's and a bright red t-shirt and Joel was in jeans, but I guess it didn't matter.

"You know, I've always wondered though. I mean, they're twins right? IDENTICAL twins…"
"Yeah." I stared at her as her she grinned suggestively and I suddenly understood. "Oh, oh, God, Alex!"
"What? You know you're curious."
"No, I'm not. I don't want to know. I really don't."

Okay, so I did. I'd never seriously thought about Benji and Joel being different…sizes. It was a little intriguing, but Joel was like my brother. I didn't want to know about his dick. I wasn't going to compare him to Benji.

"Well, how would we know?" I heard myself asking.
"See, I knew you wanted to know." Alex grinned. "It's simple really."
"What? We just go, 'oh, we're "switching" tonight.'?"

Alex made a face.

"Eww, I do not want to sleep with Benji. He probably bites."
I smiled wickedly. "Who says that's a bad thing?"
"Gross. He probably has rabies, you should get tested."
"Oh, so I wanna know about Officer Joel and his handcuffs, but I can't tell you about Benji and his animal noises."
"Animal noises?" She raised an eyebrow.
"He likes to growl."

She laughed.

"Really? Like how, like a, a, lion or more like a grunting gorilla thing." Alex stopped herself.
"Wait. I don't wanna know. ANYWAY, it's easy. I tell you how big Joel is and you tell me how big Benji is."

She paused. "Or small."
"HEY"
"Well, he is shorter."
"SO. It doesn't even matter, I'm satisfied!"

Alex snickered.

"What are you talking about?" Benji asked as he and Joel returned.
"Aaah" I screamed and Alex flinched.
"What?" Joel looked confused.
"How's it hanging, Benji?" Alex grinned.

I glared at her.

"What?" It was Benji's turn to be confused.
"Nevermind her." I took his hand.
"I can do that." Benji grinned.
"We were wondering?" Alex began taking Joel's hand and walking next to him.
"Nothing." I glared back at her.
"Oh, c'mon…" Alex smiled.
"What?" Joel looked from Alex to me.
"It's nothing, nevermind." I said trying to lead Benji away somewhere.
"Oh. Come on, you wanna know too."
"And what are we gonna do Alex? Ask them to drop trau?"

Joel released Alex's hand and stood back with shock. Benji blushed.

"Ex..Ex..cuse me!?" Joel choked.
"We wanna know…" Alex began but I clamped my hands over her mouth.
"Don't you say it, you bitch." I warned.

Alex fought me off. I let go of her mouth and she didn't say anything. I smiled satisfied.

"We wanted to know, which one of you…" Alex began, even though I glared at her. "is cuter!"

I sighed.

"Easy." I answered. "Joel."

"Benji's sexy." I quickly responded when Benji's mouthed dropped open slightly.
"Well, I do like to think I am a sexy biotch." Benji joked.
"Yeah, Joel's cute." Alex agreed and pinched his cheek.

Joel made a face.

"I'm not sexy?"
I shook my head, "Naw, too feminine."
"I'm all man, baby." Joel deepened his voice importantly.
"Oh, I know." Alex wiggled her eyebrows and leaned against Joel's shoulder.

Joel returned the affection by putting his arm around her shoulder and whispering a sweet nothing into her ear. He finished whispering and licked the edge of her ear. Alex gasped.

"Gross!" Benji twisted his face up. "Get a fucking room."

Joel looked at Benji and rolled his eyes. "Right! Wal-Mart!"

I blushed and Benji did too. Let's suffice to say that when on tour with a secret love affair, it does well to be adventurous and creative.

"Denny's!" Benji shot back.
"Tilt-a-whirl!" Joel curled his lip. I know nothing about a Tilt-a-Whirl and why not? Aren't I Tilt-A-Whirl material?
"Rolling Stone offices!" yelled Benji.
"The backseat of Tony's jeep during Renee and Tony's reception!"

I glared at Benji. He told!

"The back seat of MY Mercedes during our birthday party." Benji returned.
"HA!" Alex exclaimed.
"What?" Benji looked confused
"We didn't." Alex explained.
"Didn't what?" Benji asked.
"Have sex, in the Benz, on his birthday."
"But the shoes…the nakedness." I exclaimed.
"Well, I didn't say we didn't get hot and heavy, but we didn't "do it"" Alex made little quotes and laughed. "But you boinked in Tony's jeep."

I sneered at her and she did a little dance, repeating that we boinked in the jeep.

"Enough!" Benji raised his voice. "Are you doing this or not?"

We all stared ahead at the chapel. Joel swallowed and grasped Alex's hand. Alex looked apprehensively at Joel. Nodding and gritting his teeth, Joel led her forward. Benji took my hand and we followed.
***
Jessa and I stood nearby as Joel and Alex filled out their marriage license. Jessa held onto my hand as she read what could only be referred to as a "menu" of the wedding packages. For fifty bucks you could get a "religious-like figurehead"(a priest impersonator?) to "certify" your "nupials" (no incorrect spelling the menu said nupials). It was no wonder why the divorce rate was so high in this country.

"Babe, what's your middle name?" Joel looked up from the paper.
"What do you mean?"
"I can't remember."

Oh, that's a bad sign. Lucky for me I had months of friendship with Jess where I got all her names down straight. Jessa Marie Casablancas.

"You can't remember?" Alex was disgusted.
"Oh, c'mon, don't be like that."
"Be like what? Mad my boyfriend, my fiancée, doesn't know my middle name?!"
"I know your middle name I just can't remember, sue me." Joel curled his lip.
"Eh…Elle..Elizabeth! Alexandra Elizabeth!"

Alex crossed her arms, "You guessed."

She turned her back on him.

"Al, baby."
"Don't baby me."
"What?" Joel turned up his palms and shrugged.
"What?! Joel!" she screamed and then shut her eyes and shook her head. "Can we just…"

Alex motioned out of the room and walked out hand on her forehead. Joel followed and I could hear them talking in hushed voices. Some whimpers came from Alex, a lot pleases and baby's.

I looked over at Jess. She was look at the floral arrangements in the display case. I hadn't said anything to her for awhile, but I didn't know what to say. I flicked my tongue out and moistened my lips.

"J?"

Jessa stared at me.

"What's wrong with you?"
"What do you mean?" I swallowed.
"You never call me J. Jess or Jessa or little one, never J, never."
"Oh. I, just…thought I'd try it on."

She grinned at me.

"Okay."

Jessa continued looking at the wedding stuff, smiling. It made me feel really terrible. She let go of my hand and looked at the license Joel had been filling out on the counter.

"Hey, maybe we should get one?" She held up the license grinning at me.
"Are you crazy?!" I shrieked.

Her smiled faded.

"I was only joking. Geez, Benj, little tense, aren't you?"
I shook my head. "Sorry."
"What's the matter, baby?" Jessa wrapped her arms around my waist.
"It's nothing."
"Liar." She stuck her tongue out at me.
"Well, how am I supposed to feel about marriage Jessa? Georgie broke my heart and you didn't say anything. You didn't even turn around!" I yelled. I realized how angry I was about it all.

Jessa's eyes narrowed and she took her arms from my waist.

"I knew it." She muttered, crossing her arms and beginning to look away.
"Knew what?"
"That this would turn out to be about you."
"It's about US." I corrected her.
"No, it's about you, Benji, as usual. It's always about you! It always comes down to poor little Benjamin and his insecurities. Well, what about me Benj?"
"What about you?" Her selfish reaction was really pissing me off.
"You selfish bastard." She curled her lip, she wanted to hit me.

People passing the chapel and the people at Starbucks with their venti iced mochas had turned to stare at us. I didn't care. I had a few things to say to little miss stingy.

"I'm selfish? Take a good long look in the mirror, babe."
"You're unbelievable. I am NEVER selfish with you Benji."
"No, walking away from me and not saying anything isn't selfish at all." I spat sarcastically.
"You keep secrets from me, and lie to me for months and then you propose because you don't want me to be mad at you. I was supposed to turn around and give you a great big kiss?" She shot. "I was supposed to just pretend that the lies didn't hurt, that I WASN'T sick and tired of your insecure bullshit."
"Insecure?"
"Yes, insecure. You're always insecure and I have to be the stable one Benji."

She was tearing me up inside. She was right. She said all the things I told myself all the time and made me feel worse.

"I can't…I can't…" Jessa struggled with the words, but I knew what she was going to say.
"You can't take it anymore." I completed for her, wanting to curl up and die somewhere.
"Benji? Jess?" I turned around to face Joel.
"What?" I spat, angrily.
"We're going to the beach."
"But?" Jessa held up the license.
"I'll take that." Joel grabbed it and ripped it in half before he tossed it in the garbage. "Are you coming?"
***
The wind rippled around me. I shivered. It wasn't as if I had a jacket or anything. I wrapped my arms around myself. We had stuffed ourselves into a cab, Benji sat away from me in the front seat next to the driver the entire way, not even looking back at me. It was quiet as a tomb in that cab. But at least there was body heat. East coast beaches are nothing like west coast beaches.

What was that back there? I had been so excited just to see Benji. But I knew deep down we had to have it out sooner or later. After it happened we didn't talk and when we did he forgave me, but I knew he couldn't have really. How could you just stay in love with the person who doesn't want to marry you? How would you be able to stay?

Nevermind all those extenuating circumstances of soulmates and love beyond words, if he's pissing me off he's pissing me off. I'm tired of being the one to carry his weight. I'm tired of holding back because it's gonna hurt Benji. For the past 2 years my waking moments have been Benji. Not Jessa, not Jessa's career, or Jessa's hunger, or even Jessa's sexual desire, it was always, "How's Benji feeling? Let me accommodate to that."

It made my head hurt. My head has hurt for 2 years because of Benji. I looked at him shivering in his black pullover. There's my headache, God how I love him. Those deep sad eyes, that cute little grin and the dimples that even still turn my mind to mush, hard callused hands that have searched out every inch of my body, arms that held me. True, they were also hands and arms that squeezed me, shook me, hit me.

I wanted to not think about it for maybe just a few minutes. Not think of anything.

Alex sat on the seawall and held her knees to her chest, watching the midnight surf eat at the shore. Joel was standing near her, but didn't have his hands on her and didn't say anything to her. He just kept his hands in his pockets and his head down.

"So what's going on?" I shivered again and was promptly greeted by two strong arms to hold me close. Benji felt warm and his breath hot on the back of my neck. I didn't pull away, he wouldn’t have let me anyway.

"Nothing, were just at the beach." Alex said plainly. No vigor, no jokes, no happiness, or even bitchiness, no Alex. Just a calm, plain, honest to God comment.

I looked at Joel and he had lifted his head slightly and sniffed the sea air.

"Okay, you guys, you're bugging me." I rolled my eyes. "This isn't Dawson's Creek, what's going on?"
Joel actually glared at me. "It doesn't have to do with you. If we felt like talking we would."
"I can speak for myself." Alex shot him a look. "We're not getting married."
"No duh." Benji chimed in.
She spun her gaze on Benji. "I'm not ready. We've been together for like a year. It's too fast. It's scaring me."
"Alex, there's nothing to be scared of. Baby?" Joel pleaded with her, trying desperately to look her in the eye, but Alex wouldn't. "I love you."
"Damn it Joel, we're not Benji and Jessa." She almost cried.

Benji and I jumped at the comment. What did that mean? We were some all powerful super couple? We were the ones that our friends compared themselves to? That's kinda sad isn't it?

"You're my Jessa." Joel said quietly.

If he had melted my heart, I can imagine Alex was nothing but mush inside. I turned around to face Benji. He stared down at me, but barely met my eyes. I rolled my eyes angrily and shut them. Damn it Benji, please be there for me. Don't go through the sulky, moody, Benji-deserves -nothing bull. I wished he could hear those thoughts, read my mind. I wish we had twin intuition.

"Let's go for a walk." He said and grabbed my hand as he climbed over the wall.

Part 8
We walked a way down the beach. The wind whistled in my ears and I was freezing, but Benji's hand was sweaty against mine.

"Benji…"
"Jessa…" We both began at the same time.

"Benji, what's goin on?"
"You tell me."
"Tell you what? That you're selfish! That I feel…insignificant. I feel like my feelings don't count anymore Benji." I felt like crying as I pointed to myself.
"What are your feelings?" Benji yelled. "Maybe, if you didn't tear into me I could care about your feelings."
"You don't care? You don't care!" I threw my hands in the air. "Benji…"
"What Jessa? I'm a fuck up. I screw with your head, right?"
"You make me crazy."
"Baby, I love you. And I already know what a fuck up I am. But don't you understand that you hurt me? It was Georgie all over again, Jess."

It hurt to hear him compare me to her, but I couldn’t let him make me feel sorry for him again. Not this time.

"There you go again. You are unable to see this from my point of view aren't you?"
"See what? You broke my heart, but I still love you and that doesn't make sense."
"You almost raped me and I still love you!" I screamed. I was breaking up inside.
"Baby?" Benji's eyes filled with tears.

I held back my tears. I didn't want to cry.

"Benji, we can't keep doing this. We…I can’t. I need you to be there for ME. Just fucking once." I said as evenly as possible.
"Like you've been there for me?" Was his selfish response. "I did all that for you and you turned your back on me and didn't even call me. I just wanted you. Look I know what I did was stupid, but Jess…"

Benji was cut off when my phone started ringing. He sighed angrily. I picked it up, debating whether or not to answer it. Benji looked at me as if to say "don't you fucking dare." It was probably something stupid. But equally it could be something important. One of the many calls I'd been waiting on for my movie.

I pressed answer. Pretending I didn't hear Benji's over-exaggerated sigh.

"Hello?"
***
It was just like her to carry that fucking phone, now. She'd die before giving it up. It was everything in my power not to yank it from her hand and toss it into the Atlantic. Wasn't our relationship more important than a phone call?

"Hello?" I knew she'd answer it, so, I guess, it wasn't.

I crossed my arms. I didn't care if it really was the pope. I didn't care if her sister was dying on the other end, we were gonna have it out, once and for all.

"Oh, it's you. Look, I don't wanna talk to you now. I told you this was Benji time." Jessa said into the phone. "Dylan…."

I didn't hear anything more. Dylan? Dylan Shawbell? Jessa's ex-boyfriend, Dylan Shawbell?

"Bye." She hung up the phone and looked at me.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I shouted. She couldn't expect me to hide my anger about her having any kind of relationship with…him.
"Benji, it's nothing. Dylan and I are just friends."
"Just friends?" What in God's name was she saying? "Jessa, he's your ex."
"We just talk. Jesus, Benji, it's not like I'm fucking him."
"I bet you would though." I sneered.

She slapped me, barely hard enough to hurt.

"I hate you." she murmured.

We were breaking up. I knew it. I knew it. I just knew it!

Jessa threw her arms up in the air.

"FUCK!" she screamed and kicked up sand.

I kicked too, spraying Jessa with pebbles, and screamed. It felt good to just kick and scream. Apparently Jess felt the same way. She kicked harder, making sure the sand washed over my pants. Oh I see, I kicked more sand her way and Jessa gave chase. Or fight had somehow given way to a game. I followed her as she played keep away. She turned on me and ran after me, but just as I thought I got away I tripped in the little hills of sand and Jess toppled over me.

She was straddling my thigh and I started to get aroused, but this was no time for that. Jessa kissed me then. Well, maybe there was a little time then. We rolled 'til I was on top. Jessa grunted in refusal and rolled again 'til she was on top. She held my shoulders against the cool sand. I'm sure she felt my little friend popping up to say hi, because she ground her hips downward.

"Jessa." I moaned into the whistling wind.

Again she ground into me and moaned herself. We continued to dry hump each other for a few seconds. She stopped and dropped her face to mine. Her face was surprisingly dry, for someone so upset, and especially Jessa, you'd think she'd be crying, but she wasn't. She kissed me again.

She laid against me and I sighed.

"Are we ever gonna make it Jessa?"

She just shook her head against me.

"Jess remember when we'd lay in bed and talk about our future?"
"Planning our wedding and naming our kids?" She lifted her head and a slight grin spread across her cheeks. "How could I forget, Benj?"
"Cause it kinda feels like we have forgotten."

"Hey." Joel the great interrupter came up. "It's almost 2 and we wanna leave earl-…oh, was I…I'm sorry."

He turned around fast, blushing. I guess he noticed Jessa's legs entangled with mine. Joel's such a little kid sometimes. I looked down as Jessa got off of me and saw he noticed a little more than that. I put my hand down towards my crotch to put Mini Vicious away.

"Well, we're ready to go." Joel said, as I stood up.

Jessa was standing close to the water watching the dark horizon. I just watched her, not really paying attention to Joel.

"Are you okay, Benji?" Joel asked me.
"Are you?"

Joel looked at Alex as she walked the edge of the seawall. Joel looked at his hands. He shook his head.
***
We didn't say much for the second cab ride. And not on the plane either. But it wasn't from lack of trying.

"Hey, maybe we can do this again sometime. When things are happier." Alex was almost sounding normal. "maybe you and Jessa will attempt marriage in Las Vegas huh, Benj?"

She elbowed his side. Benji stared at her and she grinned hard, trying to make him smile.

"Tell me how that's ever gonna happen Alex? She doesn't wanna marry me?" He said bitterly. "Do ya Jess? You wanna be 'friends' with your ex-boyfriends. You wanna be selfish and do it your way, huh, babe? Well it doesn't work that way."

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I HATE you.

We took another cab and got to my ugly little empty apartment, the one the studio paid rent for, in 10 minutes after we'd gotten off the plane. We didn't wait around for Alex or Joel. I just wanted to get away from company, away from public, maybe a little away from Benji.

His things were magically already here. Doesn't he have the life? Minions to break into your girlfriend's apartment for you.

I ignored him as I went into the bedroom to change out of my clothes. I saw him follow me but I shut the door in his face anyway. He opened it promptly, damn this apartment with it's non-locking doors.

"So when did this Dylan thing start?" Benji asked.
"Does it matter?" I slammed my dresser shut.
"Yes. Yes, it does Jessa!" Benji crossed his arms.
"Why?" I threw my arms up and looked at him. "No matter what I tell you you're going to be angry or hurt or both and tell me how much it tears YOU up. Well I can't deal with that right now Benji. I don't care how Benji feels!"
"Okay, so this is deeper than Dylan or even the marriage thing." Benji spoke evenly.
"Uh, ya think, Benj?" I snapped.

Benji sat on the bed and sighed.

"Jessa, stop it!" He ruled. "You're acting like a little kid."
"So, maybe I am. Maybe, I'm not mature enough for this relationship Benji. Not mature enough to be your mother."
"You're not my mother."
"Funny, I feel that way."
"Look," Benji tried to kept order. "Let's just handle this like adults."
"Because you're an adult Benji, you're a prime example." I exclaimed.

Benji rolled his eyes.

"What Benji, hit a nerve, did I?" I pushed his buttons. "Don't you understand? You were hiding from me and you weren't apologetic and then when I was breaking down you didn't try and stop me. You screamed at the top of your lungs that you wanted to marry me. I had no idea what to think. You thought it was gonna be okay. That I was gonna laugh and feel stupid…"
"Jess…"
"Let me finish. I was really worried about you. I risked losing the whole career I worked for to stay and find out what was wrong with you. I loved you so much, I just wanted to see you okay. I didn't once think what it was doing to me. That I never think about me. That it's never about me."
"Did Dylan tell you that?"
"Benji." I was on the verge of tears.
"Well, didn't occur to you that Dylan was trying to snake his way back into your life?" Benji expressed.
"Of course, it did Benji, but I'm not stupid enough to let him." I assured. "You're the one I want. You're the only one I want."

Benji shut his eyes and stood up. He rubbed his hand on my cheek, tears stinging his eyes.

"What's going on, Jessa?" he almost cried.
"I don't know." I shook my head. "Ever since last year it's…it's been so hard Benji. I want to love you and I do love you, but you hurt me, with words, with…with…your hands, and I just wanna leave you sometimes. I wanna give up."
"But I love you." He said. "But I DO love you still, Jess."

He looked straight into my eyes. He put his hands on my face.

"I do." He whispered.

"I love your eyes." He kissed my eyes.
"And I love your forehead." And he kissed my forehead.
"I love your nose."
"I love your ears and your hair." Benji kissed my ears in turn and kissed into my hair.
"I love your mouth and your lips." He kissed me. "I love your tongue." His brushed mine.
"I love your neck"

He pulled on my shirt and I helped him take it off.

"And your collarbone"
"And I love your shoulders"
"And I love your elbow and your wrist and your hands." He named it off as he kissed each part.
"I love your breasts." He kissed the top of each one, not taking off my bra.
"I love your belly." He made a trail of kisses down my stomach.
"And I love your belly button."

Benji unbuttoned the fly of my pants and slid them off. He pushed me into a sitting position on the bed and then further 'til I was lying flat on my back.

"I love your hips." He kissed me softly on each side.

He stopped and kissed his fingers. He slid his hand beneath my underwear and touched me.

"I love you here." He whispered and slid his fingers inside just a little bit causing me to release a short moan.

Benji moved on.

"I love your thighs." He kissed down them "And your knees. I love your legs."
"I love your ankles and your feet." He kissed all over. "And I love your toes."

After finishing each toe he came back to look into me with big brown eyes.

"I love you. Every part of you. Everything you are, Jessa. I love only you. Only you." He murmured and shut his eyes tight. "I love you so much Jessa. Please? Please, don't leave me."

How could I walk away from this? Away from him. I loved him.

"I need you." He said as his last plea.

I shook my head and took Benji's face in my hands so that he opened his eyes.

"No. I need you." I said. "I need you more than you know, Benji, and I'm not going anywhere."

Part 9
"Oh Jessa." He squeezed me.
"There's something Benji?"
"What?"
"Who was on the phone?"
"The phone?"
"That morning." I explained.

For second he was quiet and I started to freak, he still wasn't going to tell me?

"Jessa?" He stared at me confused. "You, you didn't get it?"
"Get what?"
"It was the ring place, Jess." Benji grinned and rubbed my head like a big brother does to their knuckle headed younger sibling. "The girl worked there, but since it was ya know an engagement ring…"

It all made complete sense. Why would she talk to me? It was a surprise. I felt so dumb. I felt so stupid and naïve and insecure.

"What's wrong with me?"
Benji laughed. "Nothing babe. Nothing at all."
"I just feel so…stupid…"
"You're not stupid Jessa."

I paused. I sat up on the bed and shut my eyes a second. I opened them again and stared at Benji.

"Benji, it's always you. You're the one with problems and I'm the one who's understanding. I'm there for you and my problems don't matter."
"Of course they do, Jess. I'm ALWAYS here for you."
"I just wanna be the one that's broken. I want you to fix me. I wanna be able to just break down and not have to care. And I guess that's selfish."
"Then be selfish Jess."
"But I couldn't come to you with my problems."
"Jess, your problems are MY problems, don't you know that, babe?"

I couldn't even answer, I wanted to cry. I looked at my hands. I had kept from crying this whole time. I hugged myself defensively as I closed my eyes tightly. Benji wrapped strong arms around me and pushed my head against his chest.

"Cry." He ordered.

I did. I cried. I blubbered, big baby girl tears. The kind that made it hard to speak. The kind that kids force on themselves when throwing a fit. Benji held me tightly all the way through. Rubbing his hands on my back and cooing the way you sooth a fussy baby.

"It's okay Jess…Everything's gonna be alright, baby…Shh…Let it out…Let it all out, Jessa…I love you. I love you, so much."

My tears died away about half an hour later. I was all cried out and just breathed hard against Benji.

"Ok, now, just tell me something." Benji pulled my face up to look into my eyes.
"What Benj?"

I expected the worst. I expected more idiotic questions about why I was talking to Dylan. More selfish let-downs, that made me want to cry all over.

"Are you gonna marry me, Jess?" He leaned his forehead against mine.

I felt a smile radiating from within. I held Benji close and closer to me.

"Oh, God, yes. Yes, Benji."

He held me close too and kissed my forehead. We lied there wrapped up together for a few minutes.

"Benji." I breathed into his neck. "Do you realize we haven't made love in over 3 months." "What are we gonna do about that?" He grinned devilishly.
***
Of course I knew. She said it at exactly the right moment. I wanted her so badly. If she only knew that I had laid in our empty bed at home and stroked myself crying out her name, imagining she had her mouth around my erection. That I had called her on the phone just so her voice could send me over the edge and I would come.

She kissed me and I slid my tongue into her mouth. I wasted no time slipping my hands up and under her bra, finding her breasts and rubbing my fingertips over them until her nipples were pert with pleasure. I took my lips from her mouth and pulled the bra over her head, replacing her lips with her right nipple and tasting that sweet salt of her skin, as I'd done many times. Jessa moaned softly, like a sigh and mussed my hair, laying her small hand on the back of my neck and began to massage my neck with one hand.

I groaned and gnawed at her breasts. She clutched my neck tighter. I took my lips from her nipple and kissed up her neck. She rubbed her hands down my back and pulled at my shirt. I pulled back from her and tore my shirt over my head.

She suddenly sat up and forced me into a sitting position. She stroked my chest and then bit at my nipples. She wrapped her arms around me and slid her hands down my back. She nuzzled my chest, dark hair tickling my neck. She rocked her hips against mine in a dry hump.

"Benji." She sighed with her eyes closed. She was already hot, I could tell. I'd been hot since the beach.

I pushed her back on to the bed and kneeled at her side. I slowly slid her underwear down her legs. She put her knees up and splayed her thighs, hoping I would satisfy her hunger.

First, I wanted her to satisfy mine. I leaned down and licked once over her pink lips. She squirmed and panted. I stuck my tongue out and made it as solid as I could and plunged it inside of her. She exhaled with approval. I grinned as I tasted her sweetness, as I heard her gasp and thrash her body with excitement.

"You." She gasped, pulling on my shortest hair to make me stop.

I looked up at her and she curled a finger towards me.

"C'mere." She cooed.

I complied and was met with her lips crashing furiously with my own. Her hands found my fly and tore the button off opening it. She pulled down my Dickies and I helped her in taking off my boxers. She massaged my dick with her tiny hands and grinned at me. She slid herself down my body and blew warm air on the head.

I involuntarily growled and Jessa laughed lightly. Then she took me in her mouth, all of me at once, and I growled again when she pulled back, gliding me slowly against her hot lips. She kept her lips wrapped around my erection, one hand massaging my balls the other squeezing my ass. It was like one of my daytime fantasies.

"Jessa!" I barked, gripping her hair and pushing her head onto my dick.

She glided her hand along the shaft with her mouth furiously, already driving me to orgasm. I pulled out of her mouth quickly and forced myself to hold back. I was determined to make this last and to give Jess all the pleasure she deserved. This was about Jessa.

I wanted to make her gasp and moan with approval when I fucked her. I wanted her to scream, the way I'd done to her in the past. Where she bit her lips and cried so loud the neighbors thought she was in pain. I wanted her howl, "Benji! Benji! BENJI!" I loved the way my name sounded when it was being ripped from her lips. When it was more animalistic than woman.

Jess crawled on top of me. I grasped the sides of her breasts and moved my hands down her body slowly. Tickling her and making her shut her eyes tight. Knowing full well how wet she was and how she was waiting for me to enter her, but I wanted to tease her a little more.

I sat up a little, Jessa sliding down my legs, I could feel her moisture on my thighs. She breathed in and exhaled slowly, getting a tiny bit of gratification from the motion. I put my hands on her shoulders and massaged them slowly, taking my lips to her skin and peppering small kisses down her arm. When I reached her hand I sucked on each finger and her thumb, looking up into her eyes and watching her face as she sighed with want.

I finished her left arm and went towards her right, but she caught my face in her hands, exhaling with exasperation.

"Stop Benji."
"What?!" How could she want this to stop? I refused to go all this way and not go inside her.
"No more slow stuff. No more foreplay. It's killing me." Jessa sighed.

I almost laughed. Jessa wanted it. badly.

"I want it, Benji, I want it." she begged with an extra sexy achy voice. "Baby, please, do it hard and hot and fast. I want that."
"I can do that." I grinned.

I tossed her on the bed and she bit her lip, eyes wide with anticipation. I gripped the back of her head and pulled her towards me in a fire hot kiss while I thrust my hips forward at the same time, dipping into her and hearing her groan into my mouth as our tongues met and wrestled between our lips. I pushed my hips forward again, driving my dick into her with force, making Jess come away from my lips and extricate a loud moan.

I could help smiling as I continued thrusting and she closed her eyes, perpetually moaning. She grasped my hips and guided me inside her, widening her legs further to allow me better access. I supported myself on my two arms over her, looking down at her angel face and her two full round breasts, bouncing up and down with my every move. She opened her eyes for just a second and locked with mine. Her chest was already heaving and she couldn't speak. She mouthed 'I love you.' before shutting her eyes with pleasure again.

"Say it Jessa. Say my name."
"Buh…" Was all she could manage at first. I heard her cough, trying to clear her throat and catch her breath. "Buh…uuhnnnnnnn…Beh—ehnn…uh…juh—gee, beeen-gee, Benji!"

Satisfied, I thrusted again harder than before. Jessa yelped.

"Oh, Benji!"
"Jessa." I groaned climax impending. "bay—baby."

Sweat was dripping off my back and I was suddenly feeling exhausted, but my body was reaching the point and I was beginning to tremble. She put her hands on my back, squeezing and massaging down. I made hard deliberate movements and her muscles tightened around my cock.

"Come on, Benji." She rocked her pelvis helping me along towards ecstasy.

I groaned louder and she moaned. We pushed together in a rhythm all our own and I released into her, letting my body go limp and laying my head against her chest. We'd all but stopped moving and I could hear Jessa's heart beating a furious pulse, I could hear us both breathing hard into the darkness.
***
I rolled onto my side, still vibrating with pleasure. 3 months of pent up sexual energy felt incredible. I was positive this was sex I could have again and again for the rest of my life. I was sure Benji was the man who would satisfy my every need.

"Damn it." Benji cursed himself.
"What?" I stared at Benji.
"Well I…"
"What?" I smiled curiously at him.
"I kinda wanted to do something…"
"Do what, Benj?"
"It might sound stupid."
"Benji!" I widened my eyes. "What is it, baby?"

He turned and looked me in the eyes. His longish hair matted against his face.

"I, I wanted to, like, not have sex…until after we were married." He said nervously.
"Benji…" I paused, awestruck.

Benji stared at me with wide eyes.

"That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard."
"Yeah?" He began to smile
"Yeah. Ok, let's do it. Starting now. No sex, until were husband and wife." I grinned at the thought.
Benji smiled back. "Until we're Mr. and Mrs. Madden."

He squeezed me to him and kissed me. For the first time in a long time things were good. Really, really good. I was warm and safe and engaged. I was an engaged woman, I was marked. I was taken in the most extreme sense. Nobody was gonna take me away from my Benji. Nobody.