Part 1
**1 year later**
The baby was crying again. I rolled over and punched Benji's arm.

"Your turn."
"No way." He groaned.
"I got up for Lennon."

He made an aggravated noise and got up anyway. I smiled.

"I love you."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

He threw his hand and walked across the room to the crib set up in the corner. He leaned in and picked up the baby boy inside. His cries turned to soft whimpers as Benji rocked him back and forth.

"Shh." Benji rubbed his back gently.

"Are you wet?" Benji asked the infant, while check his diaper.

After he changed him and put him to sleep, he laid him back in the crib. Benji then crawled back into bed with me. He ran his hand up my side and leaned into my ear.

"When we have kids, we're always both gonna get up. Agreed?"
"Agreed." I rolled over and kissed him.
***
Alexander Paul Thomas. That's what they'd named him, but Paul insisted we call him Xander, because "it sounds cool." I picked up the baby. He was adorable. 4 months, with giagantic blue eyes and mass amounts of dark hair. And he looked just like his dad.

I went down stairs with Xander and went into the kitchen. Cash ran up to meet me and see what I had in my arms.

"No Cash!" he went away with a poor doggy sigh. "Benji I told you to keep him out."

Benji was sitting at the table drinking coffee.

"Sorry." He got up and opened the door to let Cash out. "Lilly called."
"Yeah." I sat Xander in the carrier while I went to warm his bottle.
Benji played with Xander's toes. "They're on their way over now."
"Did they just get back?"
"This morning. I swear Lilly wanted to reach through the phone."
"They needed the break though. I mean they deserved a real honeymoon."

I let the milk drip onto my wrist it felt warm, not hot. I glanced at the kitchen table and saw premiere sitting on top. It was the issue with my interview in it.

"Benji! You're not reading that?" I made a face and began to feed Xander.
"Why not?"
"Because it's stupid. They don't know one thing about me. They're only talking to me because I was on MTV."

Benji shrugged.

"Not that I wasn't ok doing MTV. It was fun making their little movie and TRL was fun…but…my other movie had nothing to do with that and they completely ignored it."
"Jess…"
"Where's my baby!?" Lilly came storming into the house.
"I told you he'd still be alive!" Paul was behind her.

I handed Xander over promptly over to his mother. She hugged the tiny boy and smiled. Paul leaned over Lilly's shoulder and just stared at his offspring. I grinned at them both. We hardly convinced either of them to actually take a vacation/honeymoon. They never had Xander out of their sights or out of their arms, which was why Benji and I had a hard time. The kid wouldn't let you put him down.

After Lilly got pregnant, hormones took control. She decided that their house was not ready for a baby, oh no. so she redecorated the whole thing. Many an afternoon was spent with Lilly at Home Depot buying paint and rollers or at Ikea, Lilly's new favorite place. Then of course, Paul was on tour, and they got married (an ordeal in itself, as Lilly's brother's argued over who would walk her down the aisle in place of their AWOL father). Xander was born and Paul narrowly missed the birth because of the sprained wrist his wife had given him during labor. It had been a hectic year.

As reward and gift, Benji and I funded a whole week away, just the two of them. To make up for their lack of honeymoon and to just let them rest. It took a month of coaxing to get them to leave Xander with us and enjoy themselves. Lilly called every single night despite all the positive reports and the fact that her husband was always in the background telling her to get off the phone and "Give me a pash."

The week had flown by. I was gonna miss having the baby around. I liked having a little person occupy my every waking moment. I'd taken to this like a fish to water. And Benji might have complained more times than he helped, but he secretly liked it, I knew he did. He really dug Xander. Now he would be leaving and it would go back to just being me, Benji, Cash, and our new edition…Lennon.

Cutest little girl in the world. She was brindle and had a big pink nose. She was still too little to be away from her mother, but it couldn't be helped since her mother had died. She was the only one that didn't have a home to go to, so Benji brought her home to me.

"Hey, babe, I brought home a girl. I want you to meet her."

I wanted to smack him. What did he mean I brought home a girl?

Benji stood by the door and in sauntered a small pit bull puppy attached to a purple leash.

"Awwwwwwwwww."

And we were proud pet parents. We had to keep her upstairs and feed her this special formula. She'd even cry for us. It was sort of like having a baby. We even had the jealous older sibling. I swear Cash was always trying to act cute, on purpose. Like we didn't love him.

"Alex, Alex." Lilly cooed and rocked her son.

That was one thing. Lilly didn't like the name Xander, at all. She called him Alex and cringed whenever someone called him Xander. She and Paul argued incessantly about it too. Paul insisted it was Xander. She'd smack in the head and say…

"No son of mine is gonna be called after a character from 'Buffy, the Vampire Slayer'."
"Lilly…" Paul started.
"Why do you get your way? He was INSIDE me!"
"Enough." Benji rolled his eyes.

She was fighting a losing battle. We all called him Xander. If we called him Alex it got confused with Joel's girlfriend, who name was also Alex.

Lilly made a face.

"So, wanna go to Ikea?" she asked me.
"Now?"
"They're open." She smiled and put "Alex" in the baby carrier.
"I know that…" it was 11 o'clock in the morning.
"Well, then let's go. They have these shelves that…"

Lilly made this folding motion with her hands.

"Is that what you were thinking about when you were supposed to be enjoying a romantic get away with your husband."
Lilly laughed. "Him? Romantic?"
Paul sneered. "Who's the one who gave you his grama's wedding ring and had it inscribed to say 'Yes, you dork.'"

That was so fucking cute, it hurt.

"That's pretty romantic." Benji said from the table. He was reading Premiere again and eating froot loops.
"Stop reading that garbage!"
He grinned, evilly, red and purple pieces of froot loop on his teeth. "Make me!"

I went over to the table, Benji just kept grinning up at me. I grabbed the magazine rolled it up and smacked his ass. Benji jumped.

"Ooh, daddy likes."

I pretended to bite and Benji growled.

"Should we…go?" Paul raised his eyebrows.
"Later." I grinned suggestively at Benji.
"So, Ikea?" Lilly asked.
"Don’t you wanna go home?"
"No, I wanna go to Ikea."
"Yes, spend us out of house and home on things for the house and home." Paul took off his sons little socks and played with his toes.

Benji washed his bowl out in the sink.

"We could go, though. We need a new one of those shower…things."
"You broke it!" I said.
"You did!" Benji argued. "You're the one who grabbed onto it."
"And why did I have to do that?"

I realized Paul and Lilly were both watching us. My cheeks were burning.

"Yeah, ok, new shower thingy."
"We're gonna go?" Lilly was excited.
"Sure."
"I don't wanna go to Ikea." Paul moaned.
"Yes you do." Lilly said and put her sons socks back on.

Paul rolled his eyes as Lilly leaned down to gather Xander/Alex's things. I ran upstairs to get my shoes and a jacket. Benji came into the room behind me, he shut the door. He tackled me onto the bed.

"Benji!" I yelped.

He had his hands rubbing up and down my body and he grabbed the edge of my shirt with his teeth. He growled as he looked up at me.

"Benji! Paul and Lilly are down stairs!"
"So." he reached up and kissed behind my ears while he laid on top of me.

I smiled and closed my eyes, letting Benji do his Benji thing. Suddenly I heard tiny high-pitched yelps.

"Do you hear that?"
"Mmphm mfgh" Benji replied, mouth attached to my neck.
"I can't ignore it, it's Lennon."

I pushed Benji up and off of me and went out into the hall. I opened up the door to the spare bedroom and found Lennon in the middle of the cushion we'd set up as her bed. I could swear she was giving me a puppy grin. I smiled.

"Hi baby girl." I leaned down on my knees.

She stood on her back paws and leaned against my chest. She licked my face.

"Are you hungry?" "I was." Benji was leaning against the doorpane.

I made a face at him as I stood up.

"Oh quit, there's plenty of time for that."

I went past him and down the stairs. Lilly, Paul and baby were at the foot of the stairs. Damn, I forgot they were there.

"Sorry, I can't go. Somebody has to stay with Lennon."

Benji had followed me down. He nodded.

"Yeah, she's too little to be alone. She'll cry." He said.

Paul looked at us like we were crazy.

"You guys need to have some actual human children."
Benji smirked. "Sorry dude."
Lilly was pouting. "Well what about your shower thing?"

Benji shrugged. Lilly sighed and motioned for Paul to pick up the bags.

"That's all I am to you isn't it…"
"My love slave?"

Paul blushed. They began to walk out the door.

"Can I just stay in the little café place?"
"No."
"C'mon Lil, I match yellow with purple…"

The argument continued but we couldn't hear them anymore. I headed to the kitchen to get puppy formula for Lennon. We even had these strange looking baby bottles for her to eat it out of. Benji followed me.

I felt his eyes follow me all around the room. It was beginning to make me feel self conscience.

"What!?"
He shrugged. "Nothing."
***
After I fed Lennon I laid on the bed and looked up at the ceiling. Benji was downstairs in the basement (that I didn't know existed until I moved in with him 3 months ago) making noise. I rubbed Lennon's soft puppy fur as she slept.

I can't believe Benji and I have lasted this long. After his birthday last year I thought things were going to be horrible. Somehow we we're stronger because of it.

It still sort of hurt to let my mind go back there. To that March night when everything changed.

Part 2
"Jessa baby? Open the door now please? Are you okay?" I pled into the door.

Georgie was outside. Joel was missing. My mother was using language she NEVER would have under normal circumstances and my love had trapped herself in the bathroom. Happy birthday, Benji. I was about to bang again when she burst through the door. I practically fell inside because I was leaning on the door.

"Jess! Are you okay?"

She wrapped her arms around me and jumped up and down.

"I'm better than okay. I'm not pregnant!"
"What?"
"I'm not pregnant!" she cried again and kissed me.
"O-Okay." I was confused. Did she think she was?
"Jess?" I interrupted her happy dance.

She stopped and looked at me.
***
"Yeah, sweetie?"
"Can we just find Joel and go home?"

I smiled at him.

"Sure."

He took my hand and we walked back out into the club. Unfortunately Georgie was still standing near the table.

"Benji…" she began and looked at her hands.

He stared at her a few seconds and then kept walking. Georgie followed us. We went through the kitchen, to lose her. Out the back door we went to the parking lot out back. Our shoes made that crunching noise over the gravel. We'd reached the Mercedes parked at the edge of the lot.

Steam was all over the windows. It was like that scene from that stupid movie about the big boat. I rolled my eyes, Benji sighed.

"Your brother is such a manwhore."

Benji only nodded and knocked on the glass. There was movement inside and then the back window rolled down and topless Joel peeked out.

"What?"
"We need the car when your done."
"Take it we're done." I heard a female voice.

I leaned down a little and saw Alex Peck, buttoning her baby blue shirt over her red bra. Joel stared at her. I stood up and shook my head. Good going, Joelio.

"Alex…" "Yeah, no, um, we're done now. But call me, okay?"

She seemed embarrassed. She should be. Who sleeps with somebody in parking lot after meeting them 3 hours ago? And what would be Joel's excuse if we'd come out here with his mother?

"Okay." Joel answered awkwardly.

She stepped out of the car, shoes in hand (we know what that means). She blushed and looked at her feet when she saw me.

"I'll be calling you to arrange a meeting, okay?" she smiled weakly.

I nodded. At least she didn't seem like that bitchy snob who called me on the phone, anymore. She walked to her car on the other side of the parking lot. My eyes followed her and then landed on the dark haired woman headed our way. I unlaced my fingers with Benji and turned to face Georgie.

"What do you want?" I asked sternly. Watching her face turn from sullen to jealousy when she flicked her eyes on me.
"And who are you?"
"I'm his girlfriend!"
"Really?" she said smugly.
"Georgie," Benji finally spoke. "Just go away. I don't wanna see you anymore."
"Well I wanna see you Benj."
"What for?" he yelled. "2 years go by, I'm finally normal again and what, you're sorry or something? Did you kill more unborn children?"

I thought I saw her wince. Benji's chest was heaving. I hated her. I hated her for everything she'd ever done. I hated her for standing there. I hated what she was doing to Benji.

"I just wanted to see you." I think she wanted to cry.
"I already told you I don't wanna see you. Ever. Ever again."

Joel was standing outside of the car now. His clean white shirt was rumpled and he had sex hair.

"Get away from here." Joel's teeth were gritted.
"What do you want?" I asked her again.
"Look, stay out of this little girl. You don't know anything."
"I know plenty. All I need to know is what you did to Benji."
"And what about what he did to me? Did he tell you that part? I bet he didn't."

Benji's face was rigid. Joel looked down. No matter what Benji did I wasn't going to stand here and listen to her. I wasn't going to believe her.

"Why don’t you just go away?"
"Why don’t you shut your fucking mouth?" She rolled her eyes at me.

She stepped forward, Benji shuttered.

"Benji?" She put her hand on Benji's arm.
"Get your fucking hands off me!" he cried and stepped away. "Don't touch me."
"Listen I just want to talk to you."
"I'm not talking to you. I have nothing to say."

Benji turned and tossed his keys to Joel.

"Happy birthday!"
"What?"
Benji shook his head. "You can have it. I don’t want it."

Benji started walking away. I started to follow.

"Take Jess home, would you?"

I ran up and grabbed his shoulder.

"What? Benji, no."
He swiped my hand away. "Please Jess, just go with Joel okay?"

There was no anger in his voice, not even sadness. His tone was even. He was very stoic. It scared me and I felt tears forming in the back of my eyes.

"Promise me you'll be okay. That you won't do anything rash."
"Like what?" Stoic, no expression. Emotionless.
The tears fell now in a crazy heat. "Like kill yourself or something."

A little smile played on his lips. He shut his eyes and when he opened them to look at me I saw the glossy moisture over his eyes. He held my shoulders a few moments.

"I'm gonna be okay. Just go with Joel."

I thought he might kiss me but he just released my shoulders and walked down out of the parking lot. Sobs shook my body. Georgie had apparently left. Joel touched my shoulder.

"C'mon Jess." He said somberly.

I reluctantly followed Joel to the car.
***
I shook my head. And noticed I was crying. Why did I still think about any of that stuff anymore? It only made me sad and it didn't matter anymore. We were together and happy. That part was over. Book closed.

"Baby?" Benji's concerned voice brought me back.
"Yeah?" I looked up at him leaning over me.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Good. You looked…I dunno…sad about something."

I shook my head.

"I'm good." I whispered with my eyes closed.

Benji kissed my eyes.

"You were crying." He wiped salty tears off his lips.

I shook my head again. I got up and crouched on the bed with my knees. I grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him towards me. I kissed him hard. It's what he wanted all day. He kissed back and climbed on the bed. Lennon woke up behind us and yawned. She stretched her little puppy legs and ran towards the end of the bed. She stopped. No way was she jumping 3 feet.

I stopped Benji in the middle of removing my shirt and made him put her on the floor. He did better and put her back in her "room." He returned with a malicious grin. He growled and returned to my waiting arms.

"You know what?" he said between kissing down my stomach, which made it come out as "You" mwa "know" mwa "what?" mwa.
"What?" I tilted my head back and bit my lip with pleasure.
"I" mwa "Love" mwa "you."
"Oh Benji."

Part 3
What was going on? How was Benji getting home?

"We have to find Benji." I said.

Joel had called Paul and Lilly and told them the G rated version of what happened, meaning he said that something happened and we were going home. He asked them to make sure his mom got to the hotel and to tell her that he and Benji were sorry and that he would call her.

"What?"
"Benji! Is he just walking home or…we have to find him."
"No."
"Joel!"
"Benji can take care of himself."
"But…"
"No, just listen to me."

I was quiet.

"I know that you love him. And he loves you, he does, but he needs to be alone."
"He needs me."

Joel shook his head.

"Let him be Jessa, I'm warning you."
"You're 'warning' me?" What was I? His child?
"Jessa." He sighed. "He has a lot of things to sort out. Things that he needs to sort out on his own. Things you wouldn't understand."
"Why wouldn't I understand?" I crossed my arms.
"Because Benji can't make you understand. He was a different person then. He's an alcoholic and he made a lot of mistakes."
"He always WILL be an alcoholic Joel."

Joel stared at me a second. I understood a lot more than he realized.

"Joel, I don’t know if you're protecting me or protecting him, but you can't expect me to just sit at home while the man I love is out wandering the streets of LA. I have never seen Benj this way…"
"I have. So trust me. I'm protecting the both of you."
"Joel, tell me."
"No."
"Joel?!"
"No, Jess, that's for Benji to tell you."
"But you don’t want me to go to him."

Joel sighed heavily, I was pissing him off. Good. People talk if they're pissed enough.

"Jessa, would you just fucking trust me? Do you think I would tell you to do something that would hurt you or hurt my brother?"

I shook my head. Despite Joel's actions in the past couple of months, he wouldn't ever do anything to willingly hurt Benji.

"Then trust me." We pulled up in front of my building. "Benji's gonna be okay. You can call him in the morning, but just leave him alone tonight."

I nodded like I understood.

"Good. Give me your keys."
"What?!? No."
"Jessa I wanna make sure you don't go over there and do something stupid."
"FINE!" I tore my car key from my keychain and threw it at him.

I slammed the car door.

"Jessa don't be angry. This is for the best, you'll see."

I threw condoms at him.

"Just say no!" I cried before turning on my heel and running up all 4 flights.
***
I had my head against Benji's chest and I could hear his heart pumping away under his flesh. He was asleep and I made circles around his nipples with my finger. It never left my head, last year. I wanted it to, but sometimes it became overwhelming.

"Jesus, Jessa what are you doing to me!" Benji was alarmed.

I looked down and saw my handy work. I'd been so lost just stroking Benji's bare chest and stomach, that he had pitched a tent. I laughed.

"Think it's funny?"

I smiled at him. He grinned back, those adorable dimples perforating his cheeks, and pulled my body on top of his.

"We better not waste it." He smirked and thrust himself inside me.

I moaned.
***
Benji was asleep again and I went down stairs. I was naked except for one of Benji's shirts. I poured myself an ice cold coke and sat down at the kitchen table. Premiere was still sitting on top, open to the article about me.

Earlier this year she went behind the camera with the MTV project, On the Road Frequently Traveled, featuring Good Charlotte, and even spent a couple days in front of the camera as a co-host on Total Request Live. "It's totally crazy at MTV, TRL especially. You have so much stuff to get through in an hour…but all the kids there were fun. They all knew me because of my boyfriend and…"

"Blah, blah, blah. Crap." I said outloud. "I made such a fool out of myself."

I picked up the magazine and took it even further downstairs with me into the basement. When I moved in Benji had this room set up as a ghetto recording studio. He had a couple of guitars and an 4-track recorder he bought used at some guitar shop in Annapolis. Some microphones, vintages amps. Not to mention a computer set up with pro tools, turntables and a record collection he seemed to acquire over night. He doesn't remember buying that Paul Anka record or the Barry Manilow one either. Anyway there were over 200 vinyl records stowed away in that room, along with the recording equipment and all of GC's gold and platinum plaques.

2 weeks after I'd moved in and the place was in one word…bangin'! I pulled Lilly away from her ongoing house redecoration and enlisted the help of Alex to get the basement into shape. I'd hung up all the praises on one wall after we'd painted it blue with clouds, kinda like the first Good Charlotte CD or that kid's room in Toy Story. Then we set up all the equipment in an orderly fashion (ok so Benji and Joel helped on this one, we didn't know the first thing about recording equipment. Well, I knew what a waa-waa petal was, but Benj assured me that wouldn’t help.)

Anyway, after a long day of moving, painting, waiting for paint to dry, drinking coke, and cracking jokes, we turned Benji's ghetto studio into Jessa and Benji's kick ass studio. One end was Benji's music stuff and the other side had my editing equipment, which was easier to use now that I didn't have to keep it crammed in a hallway closet that doubled as Renee's extra shoe storage. We also had Benji's awards and stuff on the walls and on a bookcase near the door. There was also a paper tacked to the wall by Benji that read "World's Best Kisser. Presented to one Jessa Casablancas, h.y.t. by one Benjamin Madden, b.a.m.f. this 14th day of February two thousand and eight." He didn't want me to feel left out. He also made a very naughty one that no one will ever read that I kept in a shoebox under the bed with other romantic things Benji's made, he was like an eager kindergartner when it came to that stuff.

Next to the bookcase was a file cabinet that housed magazines. All the magazines with articles, interviews, reviews and photo spreads of Good Charlotte and now, myself. I opened the bottom drawer and stuck Premiere inside a folder. My section wasn't very big, but I was proud. Entertainment Weekly called me "a talented bit of heaven." How sweet.

I saw my drum kit sitting in the corner and I wanted to go over there and bang away to my hearts content, but the room hadn't been soundproofed and I didn't want to wake Benji. Instead, I went over to the computer. It was still running, I guess Benji had been using it. Maybe, I'd go online, read the message boards. That's right, I had one of my very own. It was always nice for a visit, very entertaining.

As I sat down at the computer, I looked at all the neatly arranged icons. My eyes fell across an open file. I sifted through it's contents. It was a buncha of video clips I'd organized onto my laptop and later saved here. I recognized nearly all the footage except one. Titled, "my life."

I opened it and the media player opened up. My eyes shut and my heart twittered as I watched the film Benji had taken of me drumming with New Found Glory last year. It was interesting. Instead of a full shot Benji had focused on just little parts of me. My eyes, my lips, my nose, my hands, my hair flying in all directions. It was like I was looking through Benji's eyes and everything he saw when he looked at me. "My life," I was his life. I smiled and a few tears stung my eyes. What could I say? Hopeless romantic.

I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. I leaned my head down to nuzzle his hand.

"You were amazing that day." He said.
"You're amazing everyday."
"Everyday?" Benji asked sadly.

I looked at him, I knew what he meant. I kissed his hand.

"Everyday." I repeated.

Benji smiled. I stopped the footage and shut down the computer. I wrapped my arms around Benji's neck. He held out his arms and I jumped into them. His hands were on my naked behind, it tickled.

"C'mon darlin', let's go back to bed." Benji grinned and spun me around the room.

He set me down and took my hand as we went up the stairs. We crawled in bed and snuggled close together.

"Baby?" I asked.
"What?" Benji rubbed his hands with mine.
"If I asked you to do something for me, would you do it?"
"Anything?"
"Would you tell me you love me?"
Benji smiled. "I love you" mwa "I love you, Jessa."
***
"No, NOOO, stop Benji, stop! You're hurting me."

Benji was on top of me he wouldn't let me go. I said no, but he wouldn't stop. He wouldn't let me go.

"Jessa. Jessa." Benji shook me. "JESSA!"

I flung my eyes open and faced Benji in the darkness of his, our, bedroom. I was breathing hard.

"You were screaming." Benji said with noticeable concern.

I needed to collect my thoughts a second, catch my breath.

"You were dreaming about it again weren't you?" he asked sullenly.
"I was having a nightmare, Benj, it's a nightmare." I tried to reassure him.
"But it's not really."

I knew this hurt him, sometimes more than it did me. I grabbed his shoulder and forced him to face me. I looked him in the eye, they sort of glowed cat-like in the early morning twilight.

"It's all a nightmare to me now Benji. That's all it is to me." I kissed him until he kissed back.

I closed my eyes tight and laid against his chest listening to the steady rhythm of Benji. Last year, it was hard to forget.

Part 4
When I pulled up to her building I noticed her car was still there. Good. I felt bad keeping her away from Benji when all she wanted to do was help him, but I knew she couldn't help. I knew Benji would end up hurting her. It was better this way, it was.

I went to the door that led to the stairwell and realized I had no idea which apartment she lived in. I didn't even know which floor. Lucky for me a black car pulled up and out came Renee, she kissed Tony goodbye and waved as he drove away. She just stared at me.

"What are you doing here?" she slurred.
"I wanna see Jessa."
"Don't you see her all the time? Give her some room to breathe damn it, man. You smell good though, that must be why she fucks you."

Drunk Renee thought I was Benji. She let me follow her upstairs. Jessa lived in 404, it turned out. Renee opened the unlocked door and I followed her inside. She slumped onto the couch and shut her eyes. I stood with my hands in my pockets.

"So, which room is Jessa's?" I asked Renee, but she snored in response.

Adriana came storming down the hall.

"Where's my sister?!" she screamed.

Renee's neck snapped into attention.

"Jessa's not here?" I was suddenly very worried.
"No, she isn't here! Chad dropped me off last night and Jessa and my car were gone."
"Fuck, she has a key to your car?"
"I have one to her's too! Where is she? I tried Benji, but nobody answers."
"Fuck!" I said again.
"Joel, start talking or I swear I'm gonna make you."

The menace in her eyes made me think she would "make" me.

"Georgie showed up last night."
"Benji's ex?"
"Yup. She freaked Benji out and he went home alone so he could think. I told Jessa to leave him alone. I even took her car keys." I held it up.
"So, where is she?" Adriana yelled.
"Most likely with my brother. Have you called her cell?" it seemed like the most logical thing to do.

Adriana looked sheepish for having not thought about that. She picked up the phone and dialed. A few seconds later we heard the phone ringing, we followed it into Jessa's room and her purse was lying on the bed. Adriana rolled her eyes to find the cell phone still inside.

"Fuck!" I said yet again, this can't be good.
"If she's with Benji what do we have to worry about?" Renee was suddenly standing behind us.
"Everything." Lord, everything.
"What are you saying? Benji wouldn't hurt Jessa."
"Maybe, not physically…"
"Joel!"
"But he was in bad way last night and she went to see him she probably got told a lot of things she didn't want to hear. That's why I told her to leave him alone."
"What are you? A moron. She loves Benji. If she thinks he's in trouble she going to get to him one way or the other."

Why didn't I realize that before?
***
Benji's house was silent when we pulled up. This was like a bad hangover. There was way too much information to process. Birthday, release, AlexMommaGeorgieBenjiJessa and the negative pregnancy test Adriana found in Jessa's purse. I swallowed. I wanted to believe that we'd go into the house and they'd be in bed upstairs. That all that had happen was Jessa came over and they made love.

Call it twin intuition but I knew what we'd find wasn't gonna be anything good. From the look on Adriana's face she felt the same way. And if Renee wasn't drunk I knew she'd be worried. I breathed in deeply and got out of the car. Adriana and Renee followed me. I knocked on the door and found it open a crack.

I pushed the door open all the way. The living room was a mess. The first thing my eyes rested on made my heart break. Bottles. An empty bottle of vodka. An empty bottle of rum. And yes a bottle of Jack Daniels that Benji was cuddling on the couch.
***
"Stop Benji! NO! NO! NO! Benji please, you're hurting me. Please?" I sobbed.

I kept begging please, but I was crying so hard I could barely breathe, talking was murder. But Benji couldn't, wouldn't, hear me, I didn't know which. He held my arms down so tightly I felt bruises forming.

"Benji!" I cried. "You're hurting me, STOP!"
***
My own screams were echoing in my head. It hurt.

"Jessa?" Alex was seated in front of me.

Her head was cocked to the side, questioningly.

"I'm sorry, what?" I came back into the present.
"Premiere magazine. They wanna do something else on you a cover story."
"So."
"Jessa?" Alex was in one of those, please for your career moods.
"I've lost all respect for those assholes. They made me look like that stupid MTV kid who babbles about her rock star boyfriend all day."
"Well you do talk about Benji a lot." She grinned dropping the business attire for a second and being my boyfriend's brother's girlfriend.
"Shut up. Premiere, pass. What else?"

Alex looked really disappointed. She shuffled papers around.

"Rolling Stone…"
"OOO, Rolling Stone! Yes, whatever it is yes!"
"Photo spread?"
"Photo spread? Me? Why?"
"Cause you're like hot and shit!" Tony grinned from the doorway.

Tony and Benji had come into Joel's kitchen where Alex and I were seated going over interview requests.

"Dude!" Benji hit him in the arm.
"Shut up Tony." I rolled my eyes. "How's Renee?"

Tony got quiet and I swear he almost blushed. It always threw me when I thought about that. Tony, Renee, married, it was fucking weird twilight zone-y. But they were married, they really were. I was there. It wasn't even a drunken Las Vegas thing (which I'd like to try sometime, it sounds like fun). They were sober and romantic and Renee wore white (she DID). Tony and Renee Lovato, we-ird. It'd been 3 months. She hadn't moved out of the apartment with Adriana yet, but Tony didn't have a house for her to move to, so…yeah.

"C'mon Benj, we should wife swap sometime."
"Aren't you forgetting something?" I looked at Tony as he and Benji raided Joel's fridge.
"What?"
"That would require Benji to actually marry me."
"Dude, marry her already, quit being a baby." He shoved Benji
"Yes, let's all be like Tony and get married because we lost paper, rock, scissors." Benji rolled his eyes.
"I won!" Tony argued.
***
I wanted to listen to Joel and do what he said, but love and concern for Benji superceded any rational thought. I called Benj and the machine picked up.

"How did you get this number? Leave me a message. Maybe I'll call you back."

beep

"Baby. Pick up the phone. Please? Benji, pick up the phone."

I waited a few seconds, he didn't pick up.

"I love you." I finished and hung up.

Joel was a moron if he thought I wouldn’t find a way to get to Benji. I wasn't gonna stay here all night by the phone, worried out of my head about Benji.

I took a shower and changed my clothes. Now to get to Benji's, tricky, but not impossible without a car. As I picked up the phone to call a cab, I looked down at my key ring and got a wonderful idea. Adriana's car.
***
I was halfway to Benji's when I realized I hadn't brought my phone. Oh well, it isn't like Benji didn't have a phone if I needed help.

Help? Why did that thought cross my mind?

I ignored it and kept driving.

Cash was barking as I walked up, realizing I'd left everything except me at home. It wasn't as if I was unfamiliar to Cash. What was he barking about?

The security gate was wide open. The door shut, like he'd been in a hurry to get in. I tried the doorknob and the door was unlocked. I went inside.

Cash stopped barking when he saw me. The house was a mess. Benji had torn it all up. The phone was on the floor smashed to bits, blood stained onto it's white base. I was suddenly very scared. Where's Benji?

I spun around and there he stood. He was still wearing the same clothes and he had a bloody bandana tied to one wrist. In his other hand he had a bottle of vodka, he smelled like it too.

"Benji?"
"What do you want?" he sounded angry with me.
"B-b-Benji?"
"'B-b-Benji?" he mocked. "What do you want?"
"Oh baby, why are you doing this?"
"Leave me alone!"

He made a big gesture with his arm, spilling vodka on the floor. Cash sniffed it and ran in the other direction. I followed Benji to the dining room table.

"I'm not leaving you Benji. Not like this, not ever."
Benji took a big swig. "Yes, cause all I need is your love and everything will be alllllllllllllll better, right?"
"That's right!" I said confidently, eyeing the bottles of Jack Daniels and rum sitting on the table.

I felt nervous around Benji, of all people. I'd never been with drunk Benji before. I couldn't believe he was drinking. It was this bad? I didn't know what I could do. I didn't know what to say to him. I couldn't fix Benji. I couldn't do anything. I felt so weak and powerless. All I could do was sit here and watch the man I love suffer. Watch him slowly kill himself. Joel was right, I shouldn't be here.

Benji was busy drinking more straight vodka.

"Stop Benji. Why are you drinking?"
"Because I want to, you don't like it tough. This is who I am Jess! Benjaholic! That's me. Take a good look at the man you love, baby."
"Fine. You're gonna drink? Well than so am I!" I brought the rum towards me. "You take one drink I take two. Whatever it takes to make you stop, Benji."

Benji looked me square in the eye. Like he was ready for a challenge. He took a long swig. I took one longer, ignoring the burning sensation as it went down. He took another to see if I could really do it. I took two more long swigs. My logic was to finish all that he had here, before he could. Who cares if I drank into a stupor, I wasn't the alcoholic.

I felt terrible. remind me not to mix hard liquor with the flu. I wanted to pass out. I wanted to puke. Benji took the last drink of vodka. I downed the rum. Oh God, instant headache. I felt like I drank the night away, fell asleep, and woke up again to a hangover all in 3 seconds.

Benji reached for the Jack, I grabbed it first.

"What happened to your wrist Benji?"

He looked at the blood soaked bandana on his wrist. He shrugged and reached for the bottle.

"No, Benji." I played keep away.
"'No Benji'" he mocked me and stood up. "Give it to me you bitch."

He grabbed my arm hard and yanked the bottle from my hand. He opened it and took a long drink. I couldn't believe this was really Benji, my Benji.

He looked at me as he wiped his lips with his arm. He shut his eyes guiltily and went over to the couch. He plopped down cradling the bottle in his arms , not bothering to fix the cushions.

"Jessa?" he said tearfully.

I winced and went to his side.

"Benji…"
"What is wrong with me? I can't get over all that pain from 2 years ago. It hurts me and it makes me angry, cause I can't be the man I wanna be for you."
"Benji you ARE the man I want."

He shook his head.

"I can be more. I'm an alcoholic." He held up the bottle. "I need this and don't want to need it, but it makes me feel numb. It makes me feel…I dunno."
"Benji, I love you. I wanna help you. You aren’t alone. Okay?"
"But I wanna die, Jessa."

I shivered.

"I wanna be selfish and die, so no one has to feel the pain of loving me."
"Benji…" I cried. "Oh, baby, it's not painful to love you."
"Love hurts." He looked into my eyes. "And it hurts for you to love me."
"Benji don’t say that." I tried to hold on to him but he turned away.

He took another long gulp. I cried. seeing him like this, hurt. He was quiet for a long time and I just sat there watching him. Watching him take drink after drink after drink.

"Benji?" I touched his arm.
"Don't touch me." he pulled his body away.
"Benji!" I pleaded, pulling close and tenderly kissing his neck.
"I said get the fuck off of me."

He hit my face with the back of his hand and it threw me across the couch. I held my face in my hands, with pain. I looked at him with terror filled eyes.

"Fuck this." He murmured as he stood up and set the bottle down on the table.

He came over to me where I was on the couch. He pulled off his shirt.

"You want me?" he asked with a certain condensation. "Huh, Jessa? You loooove me?"

His strong alcohol breath was in my face. He grabbed my waist and pulled me down while he laid on top of me.

"Show me! Show me how you love me." He tore at my clothes.

I wiggled to free myself from his grasp, but he only held my shoulders tighter. He kissed me furiously, hard, it hurt.

"Benji, stop!" I screamed to no one but myself.
"C'mon I know you want it."

He didn't sound remotely like Benji. He didn't feel like Benji, with his hands fighting my clothes off. He dug his nails into my neck when he pulled my face closer to his to kiss me. His hands squeezed my thighs tightly, trying to position himself in between my legs.

"You like this, baby?" he whispered evilly in my ear. "I'm the best fuck you've ever had, right?"
"No, Benji, no, stop."
"Don't tell me no, bitch." He had both my shoulders and shook me like a rag doll. "I know you want me. You love me, don't you? Right, Jess? You love me."

I wished I'd listened to Joel.

Part 5
I just walked, not in any particular direction. This was like some surreal dream or a nightmare. Yeah, nightmare was the right word.

Jess and I had finally made up. It was my birthday. Momma was here. Things were great. Life was good. And just like that things aren't alright.

Jessa is sick, she has the flu, but why didn't it cross my mind that it was morning sickness. That Jessa could be pregnant. And if she thought she was (she obviously did) why didn't she tell me? Did she think I'd be mad at her? I mean, I don't know if we're ready for that yet, but I wouldn't be mad. We'd be having a baby, together. Jessa having my baby only sounds like a good thing.

I stopped walking. I never realized. I never realized that I felt that deeply for Jess. I want to father her children and her to mother mine. I want to be with Jessa, only Jessa…forever? I did and that scared me. I'd felt that way before and look where it'd gotten me.

Georgie was another story. What the hell was she…

* HONK HONK *

"Benji!"

I spun around and saw Georgie waving me down from her 4runner. I quickly went back on my way. Georgie drove slowly along side of me.

"Benji, c'mon, let me take you home."

I didn't say anything to her I didn't look at her.

"Benji, come ON. You gotta be miles from your house. Let me give you a ride."

I kept walking. I didn't need her.

"Benji, please." She pleaded, sounding pathetic. "I bet your little girlfriend, Jess? Jessica? Jessa? It's Jessa! I bet she's worried."

I turned to look into her windows. She had to break suddenly. I glared at her.

"Don't you talk about Jessa. Don't you dare."

For some reason her features softened and she opened the passengers side door. I climbed in beside her. If I'd known what was going to follow, I would have just walked. I would have walked to Jessa's and told her everything. EVERYTHING. Then lay my head against her chest and let her hold me all night long. We wouldn't even kiss or make love, just sleep together.

But I didn't do these things. I got in the car with Georgie. And I regretted it the minute she opened her mouth.

"Benji…"
"Don't. Just shut up!"
"No Benji. You got in the car and now you're going to listen."

"I'm sorry." She began.

I didn't say anything.

"I am Benji. That's why I wanted to see you. I'm sorry I hurt you."

I felt anger bubbling inside, 2 and half years worth of anger and pain.

"Are you sorry you killed my baby and broke my heart? Are you sorry for that?"

She was silent.

"Yeah, I thought so."
"Benji, you have every right not to forgive me."
"And I'm not."
"But I was really messed up back then. I'm sorry. I apologize for any…"

Unbelievable! She was in AA or NA. This was a step.

"Bitch! I'm not helping you heal your demons."
"Benji, you're an alcoholic. You know what this is like."
"Exactly. I know that it does not good if the other person won’t forgive you."
"I forgave YOU!" she screamed.
"Did you? You forgave me how? When you pretended to love me for another year and a half?"
"I did love you?"
I ignored her and kept going. "When you tried to kill yourself and killed my baby?"
"It was my baby too." She sobbed.
"Oh, it was your baby too, now? I thought it was "it." 'I killed it Benji'" I reminded her.
"Stop it!" she screamed through tears.

I didn't want to stop. This felt good. Making her feel the way I'd felt nearly everyday for two years. What stopped that feeling? Jessa. Jessa made me smile, made me laugh, made me hard and horny.

"You killed my baby, George, and you didn't care. You just wanted to hurt me…"
"STOP IT!!!" She pulled sharply into the parking lot of a convenience store.

"Get out! Get out and go do what you do best Benj, get fucked up. Smack that Jessa of your's around. See if she stays, see if she forgives you. You fucking alcoholic asshole. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever met you and wasted 4 years."

I wanted to hit her so badly. I've never consciencely WANTED to hit a girl, but this was not a normal circumstance. I got out and slammed the door. She put her car in reverse and got the hell out of there.

"Good riddance."

I walked into the store. Not for any reason, I just went inside. Behind the counter I saw the glittering bottles. All my old friends were there. "Do what you do best Benji, get fucked up." Why not it was my birthday. The woman behind the counter smiled.

"What can I do for you, hot stuff?"
"Vodka!" I grinned.

She set the bottle on the counter. "Is that it?"
"No." I also got a bottle of rum and Jack Daniel's and some cranberry juice.
"Can I see your ID?" she asked.

I smiled and had to laugh to myself. 28th birthday and I being carded!? I showed her. I'd had pink and black spikes in my driver's license picture.

"Happy birthday." She grinned. "Benjamin."
"Benji. Thanks."

I took the bag off the counter and started walking home. The bottles clinked and jingled as I walked. My house was far, but I'd spent years walking, I could do this and when I got home my liquor would be my reward.

You are a fucking alcoholic, you know that? Joel said in my head.
***
I just stared at the bottles for a while after I'd gotten home. Half deciding which one to open first, half scolding myself for buying it. I was an alcoholic. A bad one.

"Vodka. Vodka and cranberry juice, oh yes."

I poured my drink and stared at that for a while. After a few more contemplative seconds I downed it. It tasted disgusting. So I took another drink to wash it down. Mmm, that's what I remembered.

The phone rang. I didn't answer it. The machine got it.

"How did you get this number? Leave me a message. Maybe I'll call you back." I heard my own voice echo.

beep

"Baby." It was Jessa. "Pick up the phone. Please? Benji, pick up the phone."

I stared at the pink/red alcohol in the glass in front of me. I felt so disgusted with myself.

"I love you." Jessa hung up.

Why can't I be a normal, good, man? I can’t be a real man, for Jessa. I want to marry her one day. I wanna be her one and only and I only lie to her, fuck!

"FUCK!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed and threw my drink across the room. The glass shattered and stained the wall.

I picked up the bottle and drank it straight. I went over to the machine and pressed the button to hear my messages.

"Baby…"

I listened to Jessa's voice over and over. She loved me. She loved me and I was never gonna be good enough for her.

"I love you." she said for the 4th or 5th time.
"I love you too, babe." I said outloud and drank from the bottle.
"Baby…" Jessa began again.

Life was so fucking unfair. I slammed the bottle down and picked up the phone. I dialed Jessa's cell. She took it everywhere. It rang about 400 hundred times and her message came on. Fuck, I call and she doesn't answer. What the fuck? I didn't leave a message.

I slammed down the phone with anger. It broke the base. I kept slamming it down as the electronic bits and wiring flew in all directions. The plastic was broken and jagged. It cut into my hand and wrist. Bright red blood immediately hit the surface and spilled out. I kicked the wall. I threw the couch cushions around. Cash ran away from me.

Even my dog doesn't love me anymore.

Clutching my wrist, and my friend, Vodky, I went upstairs. Maybe I had cut an artery. Maybe I'd just die. Who wants to love me? I hurt and disappoint everybody. Momma, Jessa, Joel, Tony, my bandmates. Why do they deserve that pain? Wouldn't it be easier if I just left this world?

The cut wasn't that bad. I sighed.

"You've got better plans for me?" I looked up. "Don't give Benji, an easy way out, oh no, make him suffer a little more. I hate you."

I tied my wrist up with a bandana. It's not like I kept gauze and tape lying around. I drank from the bottle and looked at my face in the mirror. I was disgusting. Suddenly I was looking at Joel.

Look at you, 28-years-old, and look at you. You have a woman out there who'd do anything for you. Anything. A woman who loves you. You have family, friends. They love you and where are you? Alone, getting drunk, like your father. You're no better than he is. Why was my conscience in the form of Joel? Stop it Benji, just stop it.

"Can’t bro." I said to Joel as he turned back into my own reflection.

I went back downstairs. I saw Jessa's back. She was staring at my handy work in the living room.

"Benji?"
"What do you want?" I sneered.

Here's the bitch that won't answer my calls. When I'm in need of her love. The love she claimed she had. Maybe I was just a good fuck to her.

"B-b-Benji?"
***
Was this me or somebody else. She was crying, screaming begging for me to stop. Who was I? I was a maniac. Why was I hurting Jessa? My Jessa? But I love her.

"Jess?" I let go of her shoulders.

She was shaking, bad. I pulled my body off of her and she recoiled into the corner of the couch. Her shirt was torn, did I do that? She had red marks on her shoulders and thighs where I'd grabbed her. Oh God, what have I done?

"B-B-Benji?" she sobbed, still scared, still shaking.
"I'm so sorry, baby." I felt the tears drip down my cheeks and I slid closer to her.

She backed further into the corner of the couch. That hurt. My heart was breaking into a thousand teeny tiny pieces. I'd hurt her. I did this to myself. To Jessa. Oh, God!

Slowly she reached her hand across the couch and touched mine. Her bottom lip stuck out like she was pouting, but realized she wasn't, she had a fat lip. Did I do that? Did I hit her?

"Jess…"
"Shhhhh!" She shook as she shushed me. "Don't say anything please?"

I was quiet. I wanted to die. I couldn't believe this was happening to me, to us, to her.

I hurt her. I hurt Jessa. I had nearly raped the woman I said that I loved, that I swore to God that I loved. I hit her and beat her and it wasn't anybody's fault but my own. It wasn't the booze. It wasn't Georgia. It wasn't even dear old dad's demons. They were my demons now chasing away all the light and joy in my world and I wanted to die. I wished I would so I couldn't see Jessa looking at me her eyes glazed and weary and scared so scared.

"Why Benji?"
"I was, I am drunk." That wasn't an excuse.
***
Benji stirred on the couch. Adriana flew at him with a fury as he woke. She grabbed is shoulders and shook him. I would have stopped her but I was in too much in state of shock at the scene around me.

"Where is my sister, you fuck?" Adriana screamed.
"Jessa?" Benji mumbled and scratched his head.
"Yes. Where's Jessa?"
"She's upstairs I think." Benji squinted.

It took me a minute but finally I spoke.

"Benji what happened?"
"I…Jess?" Benji stopped an stared behind me.

I spun around, Jessa was standing at the foot of the stairs, wearing Benji's boxers and her own shirt, it was torn. She had scratches on her neck and her lip was pouted with injury. I saw bruises, purple green, on her arms. Oh God Benj.

"Jessa!" Adriana flew to her side. Renee seemed to instantly sober.
"My God, Jessa!" she cried and pushed past me to her friend.
"What happened?" Adriana was in tears already.

Jessa shrugged Adriana and Renee off of her. Jessa said nothing and walked across the room. she picked up her jeans curled up on the floor next to the couch. She looked at Benji for a long while. Pain etched across her face. Benji looked down, guilty. Jessa squeezed her eyes shut and walked to the door. I saw the tears staining her cheeks as she walked past me. She went out the door, carrying her pants not bothering to put them on.

"Take her home." I told Adriana as she followed her sister out the door.

She nodded.

"I hate you, stay away from my sister." Adriana screamed at Benji.

She and Renee left. I frowned at my brother. He had his head down. I knew he was crying, Benji didn't really cry often, even though he was constantly depressed. One more blow for Benj.

I sat next to him and put my hand on his shoulder. He winced, but didn't fight me off.

"Benj…" I began.
"I fucked up Joel. I really fucked up."

Part 6
"Baby!" Jessa wrapped her arms around my shoulders from behind and kissed my cheek.
"Hey." I smiled.

I'd been thinking about last year. I think she knew. The way Jessa always seemed to know. It was Sunday afternoon, we were going to Joel's soon, he was throwing a party for Alex.

"Jess?" I asked as she busied herself in the closet.
"Yeah?" all I could see was her ass as she bent over something in the closet.

I came up behind her and put my hands on her back, pulling her up forcing her to look at me.

"Why didn't you press charges against me? Or leave? I deserved it Jess."

She frowned at me. She shook her head.

"Benji, please."
"Jessa?" I was visibly upset.

She sighed and sat on the bed.

"Benji, we've gone through this. I love you. I knew that it wasn't really you."
"But Jessa…"
"NO, there is no 'but Jessa'. I love you, for the man that you are. Flaws, mistakes and all. you're my Benji. Nothing changes. I promised that I would stick by you Benji, remember?"

I nodded. Of course, I remembered. I remembered making vows outloud to her, laying on her bed.

"I meant that, as long as it takes."
"As long as what takes?"
"As long as it takes for you to get over yourself and realize that I love you. Your mother loves you, your brothers, your sister, Tony, Paul, Lilly, Chris, Billy, Carly, Alex," she counted them off on her fingers. "Hell even my sisters love you. Xander, Xander loves you. He's months old, he's brand new and he loves you. It doesn't matter what you do or what you say. We're, I'm, always gonna love you."

She kissed me, gently slipping her tongue between my lips.

I was being stupid. Of course she loved me.

"I love you." I kissed her quickly and headed for the door.

Jessa didn't follow and when I turned around she grinned suggestively, wiggling her eyebrows.

"Wanna show me?" she made the cutest face.

I raised my eyebrows and winked at her. "Benji, attack…"

She laughed as I tackled her onto the blood red comforter.

"Mmm." She moaned as I kissed down her neck.
***
Clothes were flying everywhere. I pinned Benji down and took control from him.

"I must tame the wild beast." I said, sitting on his stomach.
"Do you really want to?" he wagged his eyebrows.
"I must mold the sexy beast into my love slave, capable of pleasing me at the drop of a hat."

Benji growled. "I may just let you tame me. But you'll have to find my special spot. The one that will have me eating…hmmm"

Benji laughed.

"Naughty boy." I chastised. "Hmm, the beast's favorite spot…"

I kissed behind his ears. "Hmm. Not here."

I rubbed my hands over his chest and tweaked his nipples. He moaned with pleasure, but that wasn't it. I continued massaging down his body. Finally I gripped his throbbing member.

"AAAAAAHHHHH" Benji groaned. "Found it."
"Have it?" I glided my hand up and down the shaft a few times. Benji rolled his head back, breathing heavy and moaning.

I stopped and kissed his belly button. I kept kissing down until my lips touch the tip.

He moaned louder than before. "Now you've found it."

I kissed it and rubbed him some more. I sat on his stomach again and looked down at him. He smiled.

"What does my mistress require of me?"
"Ooh a well-tongued beast. Let's see what else that's good for."

Benji growled again and turned us over in one of his magical Benji moves. He moved his pierced lips down my body and I moaned.
***
"Adriana!" I yelled. "Let him in!"

Benji was banging on the door.

"Why? Jessa, that asshole…"
"Adriana, open that door."
"He doesn't deserve you. How could you forgive him after he did that?"
"It's easy, I love him."

Adriana sighed angrily. She didn't open the door.

I sighed. "Look, this is my thing to sort out…"
"You're my sister!"
"Adriana, it's complicated."
"Complicated how? He tried to rape you!"
"No."
"What are you? In denial?"
"He got rough, but I don’t think he was actually trying to have sex with me. He never took off his pants. He didn't even get a hard on."
"Jess, you're talking nonsense…"
"I love Benji, more than I could ever show. What happened that night was a mistake. Benji was drunk and hurt and confused."
"And you just take that story?"
"It's not a story. I haven't even talked with him in 3 weeks, thanks to you. That's what I KNOW, in my heart. Without him saying anything I know. Besides, I'm not gonna get anywhere if you don't let me speak to him."

I pushed her out of the way and opened the front door. Benji stood on the other side of the door. He looked awful.

"Hi!" The ends of his mouth curved into a smile.
"Hi." I said back.

Adriana sighed loudly and stormed into the kitchen. I welcomed Benji in and saw him wince at the scratch that hadn't fully healed on my neck.

We sat down awkwardly watching each other.

"Benj, I don't…I. I forgive you."
"You forgive me?" He furrowed his eyebrows.
"Yes." I swallowed the enormous lump in my throat.
"I don't forgive me." He frowned and looked at his hands.
"I don't forgive you either." Adriana had her arms crossed as she leaned against the wall unit.
"Stay out of this, Aid." I sighed.
"Jessa, how do you know he won't do it again? All he has to do is drink!"

These words seemed to solidify Benji's self hatred. I couldn't listen to her anymore. I'd been listening to her for 3 weeks.

"C'mon." I grabbed Benji by the hand and we went into my room.

Adriana followed us, but I slammed the door in her face and locked the door. Benji laid down on my bed and looked up at the ceiling. I sat down at my desk chair. Benji turned and faced me. his eyes were so sad.

"I know it doesn't really mean anything, but I'm sorry." Benji told me.
"Of course it means something Benj."
"Damn it." Benji shook his head.
"What?"
"Why aren't you angry? Why don't you hate me?"
"I DO! I do hate you." I cried. "I hate you because I love you so much that I am forgiving you. I hate that I can forgive you for that."

Benji was quiet.

"The first couple of days I stayed in here. In bed, quiet, not talking, not eating, just letting the tape rewind over and over."

Benji shuttered.

"I cried a lot. I couldn't believe you would hurt me like that. But I knew you did and I knew that you would never do that just on your own. I know you don't wanna use alcohol as your excuse, but Benj…"
"I chose to drink. I made the decision."
"But…"
"No, quit letting me of the hook, Jessa! Fuck, I am an alcoholic, I know that, I knew that when I bought the bottles, I knew that when I took it home and poured and drank it. I knew what it did to me. Jess…"

He was standing and looking at the ceiling. No, he was looking to the heavens, he was looking to God.

"Jess, remember when I sang for you?"

I nodded.

"You had me so nervous. I was scared. Afraid to love again. So you know what? I went in search of a drink. You scared me and I wanted a drink."
"Are you saying that it was my fault?" I couldn't look him in the eye.
"NO! On my birthday when Georgie showed up, I got scared. It was a nightmare. But I was doing okay. I planned on calling you when I got home. But instead Georgie found me."
"Georgie…"
"She wanted to give me a ride. I let her. Then she…she got me upset."
"Upset how?"
"Jess, I, I did this before."
"To Georgie?"

Benji nodded.

"Not exactly the same. But I got drunk a lot when we were together. Everything she'd do would piss me off. And I would just…go off, just push her around, things like that. I don't remember half of the things I did when I was drunk. But I got sober when I was with her. She helped me, she told me she loved me and that she forgave me, but she never did. She hated me."
"I swear to God, Benji, I'm not doing that. I am not Georgie and I DO love you, I DO forgive you."
"Don't say that."
"Benji…"
"No!" he shouted angrily. "Don't say you forgive me. You could never really forgive me, you never will even if we grow old together and die together, you would never forgive me for trying to…to…"
"Rape me."

He shut his eyes and cried.

"I'm sorry, baby. I'll never say that enough."
I nodded. "You're wrong. I can forgive you. I can forgive you of anything and everything because I love you. And it's deeper than any physical pain you would inflict. But I won't ever forget Benji, that's a scar that can't ever heal."
"I know." Benji said in a very small voice.

I stood up and put my hand on his shoulder. I rubbed my hand against him back and forth. It felt strange. I hadn't touched him in weeks. I hadn't seen his face or heard his voice. And I hadn't wanted to until about 2 days ago. I didn't actually miss Benji, while we were apart. That was strange to me. I used to miss him if he was at soundcheck.

"Benji?"

He stared at me, eyes locking with mine.

"Can we start all over again?"

He looked confused a minute, then smirked as he stood back, my hand fell off his shoulder. He held out his right hand to me.

"I'm Benji Madden, what's your name pretty lady?"
I grinned taking his hand. "Jessa, Jessa Casablancas."
"Sounds exotic. You come here often?"
"This is my bedroom." I laughed.

"Shh." Benji broke the charade a little bit. He turned on my stereo. "No, were at Plush."

I realized that was the name of the club we met at. I don't think I even paid attention to that detail. I hadn't wanted to be there that night in July, but I was just gonna mope around the apartment all night, so Renee dragged me along. I can't believe Benji remembered.

"You remembered?" I looked at him.
"Of course, I can't forget the night my whole life changed." He whispered softly.

He put his arms around me gently and we slow danced to the Michelle Branch CD in my player.

I'm finding my way back to you,
And everything I used to be.
And waiting is all that I can do,
Until you find your way back to me.

I laid my head against his chest and closed my eyes. We rocked back and forth. Benji squeezed me closer and I jumped and released myself from his grasp.

"I'm sorry."

This was hard. Benji looked at his feet and put his hands in his pockets. I shook my head and sighed. I put my arms around him. He lifted his arms to return the hug. I blocked him.

"Don't." I whispered. "Don't touch me Benji. Not yet, please?"

I felt him nod and he dropped his arms. I smiled. I craned up and kissed him softly. He didn't dare return my token of affection. I pulled away from him and held his hand a second before slowly letting go and laying down on the bed. I looked at Benji and patted the empty space beside me. Carefully, he climbed onto the bed next to me. I curled close to him, laying my head on his chest and my arm crossed over his body.

I could tell Benji wanted to hold me, but my apprehensiveness made him hold back. I kissed his cheek.

"Things just take time." I whispered against his body.

Lightly, like a ladybug landing on your hand, Benji brushed his lips against my forehead. I didn't recoil to his touch. Instead I guided one of his tattooed arms under my body, wrapping it around me.

We feel into a warm sleep then. He could never really hurt me.
***
I woke up I don’t know how many hours later. Benji was smiling at me when I opened my eyes.

"Hey, you." he said.
"Hi." I smiled.
"I've been thinking."

I sat up and stretched my sleepy muscles.

"I told you about doing that." I yawned.

He smirked showing me the dimples I feel in love with.

"Look, we should start all over. Do things right."
"You never did things wrong."
"Jess?"
I nodded. "Okay, yeah."
"But I'm warning you. I'm not gonna say it. I'm not saying it until it really means what it’s supposed to mean. And I think you should know, Jess."
"Know what?"
"That I'm gonna marry you. I am. I'm not stupid enough to ask you now, but I am gonna ask you and you're gonna say yes…"
"I am?"
"Yes and I'm gonna watch a hundred sundown's and sunrises with you. You're going to mother my children. You're going to be the last and only woman I'm ever going to make love to."

I smiled.

"Well, then you should know too, Benj. I'm not ever going to stop loving you and I will say it all the time and it will always mean what it’s supposed to. I promise you that I'm not going to leave you when you need me and I'm not going to ever let you go. And I promise that I will marry you and have your children and that this is it, as long as it takes."

Benji grinned and I kissed my middle and index fingers and placed them against Benji's. He kissed them back and I touched them with mine again.