Part 1
The situation was, to say the least, odd. Benji and I were still very much together, but it wasn't like we could walk backstage holding hands. Instead, I had Chad. My decoy. Steve had to believe that nothing was going on between Benji and I, and everything going on with Chad. And that, was strange.

Chad was cool about pretending and the most we had to do was sit next to each other, or hang out, which already happened on a regular basis. Knowing now that Steve had liked me made it worse. Now, if he found out not only would he get me fired he'd probably take it out on Benji.

"Hey, there, little lady." Chad said with a southern draw as he came into my hotel room.

In 2 days Good Charlotte's latest album, "Euphoria", was being released and Benji and Joel would turn 28. Today, we were in San Francisco. GC, NFG, and Mest were all on the bill for San Fran's "Bay Fest" concert going on later tonight.

I grinned at Chad.

"What's up?"
"We're gonna go shopping on Haight Ashbury, wanna come?"

I shook my head.

"Can't GC's playing at super secret concert in like 20 minutes, downstairs. I gotta be there, this stuff is gonna be golden."

Chad laughed.

"What?"
"Nothing, I just remember you going around everywhere with a camera. Talking about how you were into making movies and stuff."

I chuckled. I seemed so little back then.

"Well I gotta get going. They're already down there." I stuffed things into my camera bag.
"I'll walk you down." Chad grinned.

I stared at Chad a minute.

"What? I am your 'boyfriend'" he emphasized.

Chad held out his arm. I took it and together we went downstairs.

Someone must have slipped about Good Charlotte's secret early hotel lobby performance, because the place was packed. Someone in the staff tried to direct Chad and I into the waiting area until Paul spotted us.

"Jess! Chad!" he called over heads.

I already had my camera on and panned the crowds.

"Hey man." I turned the lens on Paul talking to the staff member. "it's okay, they're with us."

Paul looked straight into the lens of the camera.

"Come." He motioned. "Come into the world of Good Charlotte…and all it's chaos."

We pushed our way through the crush of the crowd. All the girls just HAD to have Paul. And a few had even begun to notice Chad. Finally a door on our right opened and we ducked inside. I panned the camera around the room watching each member of Good Charlotte.

Chris had Amy in his lap and he drummed on her thighs. Billy sat nearby with his chin leaning on his chest and his eyes closed. Lilly had herself on the floor with her face resting on her knees, she idly flipped the pages of Vogue and grinned up at Paul when he came in.

Joel sat with his head down in the corner. What was going on in his head or what was on his mind, I didn't care. Things hadn't been so peachy between us for the past couple of weeks. I still couldn't believe he would do what he did. Especially the fact that he didn't seem sorry in the slightest. Whenever we'd see each other we avoided eye contact and barely said anything more than necessary. Benji wasn't very happy about that. He wanted his brother and the woman he loved to be friends, the way they used to be, but we both adamantly refused to forgive each other.

Benji came from around the corner of the room, his guitar already around his body. He grinned at me.

"Ready to rock and roll guys?" he held up the rock fingers.

Chris drummed a beat into Amy's thighs and smiled. "Hell yeah."
"Yes!" Amy cried. "Get him behind a drum kit, my legs are killing me."

She rubbed her sore legs as she stood up. Chris kissed her cheek. She smiled weakly.

"Well guys, looks like a full house…" Steve came from around the same corner as Benji. "Oh hi Jess."

I waved.

"I'm gonna go now." Chad said from behind me.

I didn't turn my attention from Good Charlotte. "Uh huh, bye."

Suddenly Chad had his hand on my hip and pecked my cheek, "Bye J."

He walked out through the back door marked exit, I guess to avoid the push. Oh right, I had nearly forgotten the charade. With Steve standing right there it was a good thing Chad remembered.

"To the stage!" Benji pointed up words like Ralph Cramden telling Alice where he take her.

I followed closely behind them as they went around the corner and to the makeshift stage they had set up, never taking the camera off of them. There were something like 350 people crammed into the lobby of the Holiday Inn and everybody was yelling at the tops of their voices.

"Hell yeah!"
"We love Good Charlotte!"
And the TRL classic "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Several girls had album flats for euphoria, with Billy's dark, but oddly cheerful artwork of a dozen or so freakish children walking hand in hand under a psychedelic rainbow towards a huge dark castle. This meant euphoria to Billy and I didn't argue. It was sort of pretty.

"Where'd they get album flats from?" Billy yelled.

Steve smiled.

Obviously he had spent this morning spreading the "secret" word about the Good Charlotte show. A group of 6 or 7 girls ranging in age from 18-mid twenties, stood with one giant security guard near the edge of the stage. They motioned hurriedly over to Steve, grinning like maniacs. Steve went to the girls. Good Charlotte sat in a huddle behind the drum kit. They weren't hidden, but it gave them a few minutes to get their bearings. This was planned as an intimate exclusive concert meant to help celebrate the release of the record.

"400 people is not fucking intimate!" Joel sneered.
"Come on, Joel, all these people wanna see US!" Benji grinned.
"Where did you find these people?" Billy asked Steve as he returned with a smug look on his face.
"I didn't. they did." Steve pointed to the group of girls.

Billy rolled his eyes.

"Are we doing this or not?" Benji tried to be cheerful
"Let's just fucking play." Joel ran his hand through his hair once.
"Rock n roll!" Paul screamed into my lens and climbed the step onto the stage.

As the other guys climbed onstage and I ran around the walkway surrounding the stage with my camera aimed. The audience roared. I think I went deaf. Benji started to play, Billy, Paul and Chris following in suit, I knew I was deaf. The room was just a buzz of loud guitars, humming basslines, hard snares, Joel's voice and a constant wall of "WHOOO" behind me. Could the whole earth hear what I was hearing?

I was standing in front of a barricade and the people behind it kept reaching they're hands up, occasionally tapping my head. I tried to just see through my lens and focus my energy on my shots. They were terrible. I had to crane my neck upwards just to see Joel's face. I needed to get higher and further back.

I looked behind be and the screaming blurry mass. Were they blurry or was I imagining that? I rubbed my head slightly and spotted an empty spot a bit further back from the stage on Billy's side. I climbed over the barricade, enduring stares from girls who would obviously never get AWAY from Good Charlotte.

From further away everything looked amazing. the crowd starting closing up around me. My own cool oxygen to breath felt hot sticky and unclean. Good Charlotte wasn't into the 3rd song before I was drowning.
***
When I made it back into the room that was being used as backstage after the show, the group of girls who'd brought all their rowdy friends were there. Mauling the guys. One of the girls in a short black skirt and a tube top sat close to Joel and whispered into his ear. His eyes went wide and he blushed and just stared at her.

2 of the girls were talking with Billy and 2 others were talking rapidly to Paul and Chris, while Amy and Lilly stood in the background whispering to each other. The last 3 girls were hanging all over, you guessed it, Benji! He told them some incredible story and they all laughed. I walked over to where Amy and Lilly were.

"Where have you BEEN?" Lilly cried, the girls all jumped and stared at me when Lilly threw her arms around me.

I was sweaty and tired. I felt like I'd been through the fires of hell. Whoever invented the pit was a sadist. I slumped into the chair and shut my eyes.

"I was in there" I pointed outside.
"Poor baby." One of the girls joked.

I gave her a terrible look, who the fuck was she? I was in no mood to make nice. I turned back to Lilly and Amy.

"Fuckin' a I thought they were gonna suffocate me. There was like this big football player next to me and on the other side were all these girls who couldn't sing, piercing my eardrums. Then that guy tried to crowd surf and they dropped him. he fell on my fucking foot. I dropped the camera and when I bent down to get it, some chick called me a lesbian, cause my head bumped into her ass and she fucking scratched me…" I showed them the mark on my neck.

The girls were very upset to see Benji rush to my side. Paul tore away from the girls and handed me a water bottle. I nodded and took a long drink.

"Jess." Benji was suddenly very concerned. "Are you ok?"
"I'll live," I shrugged.

It was strange, at a moment like this I'd usually cry, but instead I was pissed. I really wanted to break something.

"Fuck!" I simply said as they all stared at me.

The girls had re-huddled, except for the blonde one with Joel and stared at me like a devil woman who took away they're toys.

"Alright girls." Steve came in. "Time to go now. Good Charlotte has another engagement."

Steve began to usher the girls away. The door opened and a tall black police officer brought in a tall curly haired woman by the arm.

"Let go of me!"
"Does she belong to you?"
"I don't BELONG to anybody, would you let me GO?"
"Renee?"

She looked up.

"Hey roomie, little help?"

I looked at the officer.

"It's ok."
"Are you sure?" he eyed Renee suspiciously. She sneered.
"Yeah, let her go." Benji said.

The officer unhanded her and left the room. the girls turned to leave as well, good riddance. The blonde stopped. She gave Joel a peck on the cheek and handed him a tiny slip of paper. When the door closed, Joel balled it up and tossed it into a wastebasket.

"Psycho." he murmured.

"Renee, when…how?"
"I gotta call from Tony."

I raised my eyebrow.

"And when we got here, we…"
"We?"
"Yeah, your sister is somewhere out there."
"Adriana! She's here!" it was the best news I'd heard all day. "I gotta find her!"
"Great, but Good Charlotte really must get on the bus now, their scheduled to perform in 2 hours." Steve pointed at his watch.
***
Lucky for us my sister was by the bus. Adriana isn't stupid. She found the ins and outs of the joint pretty quickly, especially in the crush. She did better in bad situations than I did. I was so excited to have her meet Benji. Adriana, Renee and I lived together but Adriana was so busy with school and work and the 3 month study trip she'd went on in Europe that she'd never met him. Not that I hadn't told her every detail. We were best friends.

"So you're a vegan?" she asked as the bus drove to the park where Bay Fest was being held.

Benji nodded.

"I know some awesome recipes. It's really incredible what you can make with just vegetables. I'll have to show you."
"Me too." Billy asked.
"Oh, sure, why not? It's better to cook for a whole household. What about you?" Adriana poked her finger into Joel's side.

He didn’t answer her.

"Hey, rudeness!" she made angry eyes.
"What!"
"What crawled up your butt and fucking died, emo boy?"

Joel looked like he wanted to say something really sassy back, but this was Joel, not Benji and I don't think even Benj could come up with something that good. Instead Joel laughed. Not a mandatory "ha ha" but a loud pee your pants kinda laugh. The kinda laugh we hadn't heard outta "emo boy" in a month or two. It was infectious and the whole bus was laughing.

As the bus pulled up, we could all hear the sights and sounds of the festival. There were hundreds of booths set up by local artists and concessions and 3 stages with local and national acts. There was even a ferris wheel, a freaking ferris wheel!

Renee opened up her compact and looked at her reflection. Adriana leaned on her shoulder. She made a horrible face.

"Oh God, Renee!"
"What?!" Renee sounded scared.
"You're, you're…GORGEOUS. Mwahahaha!"

Renee hit her in the arm. Adriana was in the same boat as I was. Renee was model pretty and still she admired herself so vainly all the time. She could be so insecure about being gorgeous, it made us sick sometimes.

"I'm gonna see Tony. I have to look awesome!"
"What is up with that anyways?"
"Tony?"
"No, the pope, I hear he's been leaving me bad messages because I'm not there on Thursday's."

Renee looked at me like I was nuts.

"Tony! Yes, yes, geez." I rolled my eyes. Note to self: see if Renee is really blonde.
"Well he started calling me. kinda late since I gave him my number months ago, but still. He invited me out here and I thought, well Jess is out there I'll just pretend to bother her. I mean, that's what I'm here for, I didn't come for him."
"Only you did."
"Aren't you 23-years-old Renee? And you still play junior high games with boys?" Adriana shook her head.
"Hey, here's an idea." Benji jumped in. "I'll go ask Tony if he likes you ok?"

Renee pouted. I hit her arm.

"Oh, quit we're playing with you."

Steve stepped onto the bus.

"Ok, girls. You play in just over an hour, got it. Nobody's gonna be late, right."
"Only me." Benji raised his hand. "But I'll have my mom write a note."

Steve made a face.
***
Paul and Lilly and Chris and Amy decided to take in the ultra romantic ferris wheel. Benji, Billy, Renee, Adriana and myself decided to catch some of Mest's set before Good Charlotte's show. Joel went and did whatever Joel did. I of course brought my camera which now beared battle scars. I was taping Billy when the picture went fuzzy and then dark.

"Fuck!"
"What?" Benji looked at me.
I shook my head. "My camera. I gotta go fix it before your set."
"Ok…"Benji started but I was already off to the bus.

I sighed when I got on the bus and headed for my camera bag I had stuffed in Benji's bunk. As I pulled out a spare camera and battery I heard a muffled sob. It was male and sounded horrible. I walked a bit further back and saw Joel sitting with his head stuffed into a pillow. Another sob shook his whole body. I felt a tinge of guilt. I had been so angry with Joel all month because I thought he didn’t care, but here he was crying.

I frowned and gently rapped on the wall. Joel looked up, his pretty brown eyes were puffy and red. I went and sat with him.

"Oh, honey, shh." I hugged him as he sobbed into my shoulder. "I'm sorry."
"Jess, I'm terrible. I can't believe I did that stuff. And…"
"Shh. Don't worry about it."

Joel wiped his face on my shoulder and sniffed his tears. I looked into his eyes.

"Joel…"

He was kissing me, or trying to I pushed him away hard.

"What the fuck?!"
"I dunno, it felt good before…" Joel stopped his eyes looked terrified.

"Joel?"
"Benji!" Joel bit his lip.

Standing within 3 feet of us, was Benji.

"Before?" his eyes flashed with anger.

Part 2
I could hear Jessa tried to calm him down and I could hear Joel sniff up his tears. Big baby. When I walked into the back the sight before me was appalling. My brother attached at the lip to my Jessa. NO.

I wanted them to be friends again, but this, c'mon. Jessa shoved Joel off with a what the fuck. He mentioned something about it being good before. Joel had seen me standing there.

"Joel?" Jessa stared at him.
"Benji!" Joel yelped.
"Before?" I couldn't hide my anger.
"Don't be mad at Jess. I kissed her." Joel jumped up.
"Just what the fuck is going on here?" I demanded.

I just couldn't understand. Jess kissing Joel. Joel kissing Jessa. Of all the combinations of people in the world. My God.

"It's all my fault." Joel yelped.
"Benji, he was crying, so I tried to comfort him, ya know? And, and, he kissed me."
"But it happened before?"

Jessa looked sheepish. Guilty.

"That was before you guys were together." Joel tried to help. He didn't.
"You made me cry Benji and…"
"You never told me!" I screamed, maybe louder than I should have, but I was pissed. "Did Joel just kiss you then?"

The two of them were silent.

"Well?"
"I kissed him." Jessa looked at her hands.
***
Benji was a madman.

"Jesus Christ!"
"I wasn't with you then." I repeated, but nothing was going to help.
"So why didn't you tell me!?"
"It wasn't important."
"WASN'T IMPORTANT? Lying to me isn't important?"
"Lying to you? Benji, I never lied to you!"
"Well you hid it."
"I didn't do that either. I forgot all about it until he kissed me just now."

Benji had to sit down. Joel looked like he has no idea how to calm his brother. I couldn't believe Benji was reacting this way.

"it was just a kiss."

The moment the words left my lips I knew I'd made a mistake. Benji turned slowly and just stared at me incredulously. There was so much anger in his eyes. It scared me.

"Just get away from me." he got up and stalked off the bus.
"Benji!" I called after him.
"Leave me alone." He called back.

Joel dropped his head in shame.
***
Benji didn't talk to me the rest of the night. I tried to smile at him during the show, but he turned his head. He was punishing me for a measly couple of seconds that his brother's lips touched mine.

I didn't have any control over what happened. Does he think I would have invited Joel to kiss me? Does he think I wanted it to happen? Asked for it?

I knocked on his hotel room door.

"Benji's not here."
"Benji!" I banged on the door.
"Nobody home!"

I leaned against his door with my back and slid down to the floor. We had made love just yesterday and now it's like this. Because of a kiss? Because of a few lousy seconds? Already. Not even a month and were already fighting and pulling the whole silent treatment bit, that's childish as hell, but carries with everyone into late adulthood.

This wasn't fair. What happened?

I sobbed. Big, girly, salty tears ran down my cheeks. Damn him. I pulled my legs up to my chest, leaned my head on my knees and cried.
***
"Hey! You!" I saw the pair of giant legs running towards me upside down. "Get up. Get out of here."

I had no idea what time it was. How long ago had I fallen asleep outside of Benji's room.

"You heard me, get up." The security officer must think I'm some hopelessly devoted fan.

I tried to talk but I was way to tired and my mouth felt like it was full of cotton. I just wanted to fall back asleep, carpet burn and all.

"Hey man. Wait." A familiar voice said. "Hold up. It's okay. I know her. I'll take care of her."

The officer was satisfied, he left.

"Oh, J." I felt him pick me up and I fell back to sleep.
***
I watched the sun flicker off the watch on Chad's exposed wrist. It was all of him I could see from across the room. the rest of him was covered in mass amounts of comforter. The mass shifted and I heard him groan.

He had laid me on the chaise lounge and covered me with a blanket. Not gentlemanly enough to let me have the bed, but I wasn't complaining. I tore the covers off of me and sat up. I was still wearing my pink "girls are better than boys nyah, nyah!" shirt and jeans. (That'd I'd been wearing for 2 days except for a brief period when Benji had me naked). My shoes, were however, missing in action.

I was in desperate need of a shower and fresh clothes. The watch on Chad's wrist told me that we would all be leaving in about 2 hours and the road managers would come screaming down the hall to wake us all up very shortly.

I went into the bathroom ran the shower and stripped. Even if I had to put on dirty clothes again at least my skin could be clean. I was mid-lather when I heard the toilet lid open.

"Doesn't he snore loud?" Adriana sat on the toilet.
"Adriana?" I stuck my head out of the shower. "What are you doing here?"
"You don't remember? Chad slipped you a date rape drug and then we had a menage a trois."
"Oh right." I played along thinking about how Renee would have never gotten that.

I laughed as I turned off the shower and got out slipping a fluffy white towel around me. I started to dress.

"So, what's really up?"

Adriana flushed and shook her head. She shrugged.

"I dunno."

I gave her a look. The kind you give your best friend when they're jumping around the truth. And like best friends do, she spilled.

"He's cool. Funny. We hung out and talked last night. Just went to sleep. We didn't like…do anything. I mean, you were asleep right there!"
"Hmm…"
"What's that mean?"
"Nothing, just hmm." I slipped my shirt over my head.
"Well what's up with you and Benj. Chad sat you were staking out his room like an obsessed Jim Morrison fan. Did you guys have a fight?"
"Nevermind." I walked out of the bathroom.

"Jess…" Adriana followed me. "I said nevermind." I said irritated.

Chad was awake. He was sprawled on top of the unmade bed.

"GOOD morning ladies."
***
I walked down the hall and paused before knocking on his door. Should I? As I raised my hand again, I heard a door open behind me. Renee walked out, shoes in hand (a.k.a. the universal I had sex last night signal). Tony leaned on the doorpane, shirtless (a.k.a. the universal confirmation of sex). Renee giggled.

"I'll see you down there." Tony playfully rubbed her cheek and then noticed me staring. "How's it going, evil whore?"

He slammed the door. Renee stared at me.

"What was that?"
"Just assuming but I think he talked to Benji."

"What?" Benji startled me. I turned to face him.
"Benj. We really need to talk."
"Whatever."

He kept walking. I followed.

"Babe-E!"

He walked on and flipped me off. "Your shit's in my room."
***
"I assume Jessa will be a little late this morning, Benji?" Steve asked me as I walked onto the bus. "Or is she riding with New Found Glory?"
"What?" I wasn't in the mood to play nice with the other children.
"Well, she did stay the night with Chad, right?"

God, I didn't want to hear it. that whole "were friends" bit was getting old. It started sound a bit familiar. Every time she had a problem she'd run to Chad. Ugh.

"Whatever I dunno, man." I kept walking.
"Well, I heard some things last night."

Fuck! Would Jessa fuck Chad? That slut! What the hell was wrong with her?

Part 3
Benji sneered at me as I walked onto the bus. I wish he'd stop being such a dick and just talk to me. My head hurt to think about Benji hating me. Did he hate me?

Joel grinned stupidly at me. what the fuck was he grinning for? Was he proud of himself? This was, after all his fault. Kissing me, what the hell Joel? Can't possibly find your own girl to kiss. Well, why, when Benji's not using his. "what's his is mine." I was suddenly reminded. That made me sick.

Steve had, for some odd reason, decided to ride on the bus with the rest of us. Which sucked because it gave Benji an excuse not to talk to me. I sat down next to him on the couch and gave him the pout. He looked away before getting up and following Joel to the back to play video games.

He could forgive Joel, but not me?
***
"Dude, why are you doing this to her?" Joel asked me as I kicked his ass at Grand Prix. "I mean, you forgave me."

"Did I?" I raced ahead of Joel's car again.
"We're talking. We're playing a game." Joel sped up.
"So. I'm still mad at you, but you're my brother. It's different."
"She's your girlfriend, you LOVE her and she's not the one who did anything wrong."
"Oh really?"
"I already told you that I kissed her. you saw her push me off like a good girlfriend."
"Did she push Chad off?" I won again as Joel ran off the road.

He paused the game.

"What?!"
"Steve heard them."
"Are you kidding?" Joel's jaw dropped. "C'mon can you really believe Steve?"
"Why would he lie to me?" I shrugged and grabbed Joel's controller to un-pause the game.

Joel paused it again, ignoring my aggravated sigh.

"Because Jess deserves the benefit of the doubt."
"Cheaters unite, eh, Joel?"
"Benji!"
"Benji! What? I don't owe her anything."
"Oh no?"
"No!"
"I dunno man," Joel started the game again. "If she was my girlfriend and I loved her the way you obviously love Jess, then I would at least give her the chance to explain. A chance to say she's sorry."

I hate to admit when Joel was right.

"Ha, I win, biatch!" Joel cried.
***
"Are you gonna tell me what happened?" Chad asked me.
"No." I went back to cleaning up my camera.
"No?" Chad leaned down to my level.
"No. It's not your business."
"J, you know I care about you. What did Benji do?"
"Nothing."
"J?"

I could tell Chad was playing the concerned older brother. But I wasn't giving in. I had been in this position with him before and Chad wasn't a very good friend sometimes. Some things you learn from, other mistakes you make a dozen times. Well, I had learned.

"What's going on with my sister?" I turned the tables on him.
"What? Adriana?"
"Yes, Adriana. What's going on?"
"Nothing." But his huge grin belied that answer.

I smiled back and his faded.

"But we're just friends." He said quickly and I burst out laughing.
"What?" he said defensively.
"Nothing," I shook my head. "I believe you."
"C'mon J, why were you camped outside Benji's room?"
"Nevermind. Forget it."
"You know you could tell me anything, right, J?"
"Yes. I know."

He nodded, finally satisfied with my answer.

"C'mon." he took my hand.
"Chad!" I barely set my camera down.

It was still an hour and a half before showtime. Various crew members, members from all 3 bands and their girlfriends (or whatever) milled around. Chad led me to the stage and to the large drum kit.

"Play." He ordered.
"What? No."
"Just play damn it." He had picked up a guitar.
"Chad, I can't." I whispered, noting all the eyes spun in my direction.
"Of course you can. Pick up the sticks and play, J. It'll make you feel better."

He pushed my shoulders down so that I sat on the drum stool.

Chad tuned as I looked at the glittering set before me. I picked up a pair of sticks in the bucket. Chad grinned at me as his bandmates joined him onstage.

"What's this?" Steve asked and picked up another guitar.
"Impromptu jam session!" Jordan rubbed his hands together and grabbed his weapon of choice, mic.

I saw Cyrus leaning against a side stage wall. He waved and gave me his blessing (a thumbs up).

Chad and Jordan whispered to each other a few seconds and then the band started up. They began 'My Friends Over You', without drums. Chad grinned at me when they stopped.

"Go, J!"

I shut my eyes tight and lifted the sticks over my head. I counted it out.

"1, 2. 1, 2, 3, 4!"

I felt that warm invigorating feeling inside. The music was loud in just the right way. My bones ached, I hadn't played in so long, but there was a satisfying thump and bang when I slammed my sticks down. My eyes were closed and I beat out the rhythm in time with my heart. I hadn't felt quite like this in a great while.
***
Her hair flew all around her head. She was an animal with those sticks in her hands. It was carnal the way she bit her own lips so hard I thought they'd bleed. I'd seen her biting her lip like that before, but then had been to stifle the cries of passion. I had to smile to myself. She looked so sexy and amazing.

But it was hard to forget what Steve had told me. Especially with Chad facing her and grinning as they played. I wanted to believe Jess would never do that but seeing them… I remembered the way we had been with each other. I shook my head. It hurt to think about.

I saw Jessa's camera sitting nearby. I picked it up and turned it on. Point and shoot, huh? I focused on Jess and held it the entire song. I instantly understood the appeal. Watching the world through your own private little window.

And then there was the voyeuristic quality. Watching someone seeing all the tiny movements that mean nothing and making them mean something. Watching her when she had no idea. I was watching all her little moments.
***
Did he think I didn't know he was watching? I could practically pick up a scent when Benji came around. I just knew. My body knew and reacted like Pavlov's dog. I even knew he was holding up my 2½ pound baby boy (my camera was a boy and I named him Carl, for no other reason than the fact that I ate at Carl's Jr the night I bought him).

When the song finished I felt refreshed. Chad had been right. I did feel better.

"There you go, babydoll." Chad congratulated me. "I knew you could do it."
"I knew I COULD…"
"Then what's with "I can't, Chad, I can't'?"

Chad made me sound like a child. Like a squirmy, whiny, brat who won't eat the little trees on her plate.

"Don't make fun of me, you loser."
"And what will you do to me? Spank me?"

He turned around and stuck out his ass. I hit him with the blunt end of the drumstick. Cyrus winced.

"I gotta use those." He cried.

Jordan jumped. "Can I have one please, just one?"

He bent over and Steve lined up behind him.

"No! You dorks." I got out from behind the drums.

"C'mon, I bet you spanked Chad bare ass!" Jordan laughed.
"And I bet he liked it." Steve added.
"Dude!"
"What exactly have you told your friends, loser?!"

Chad looked sheepish, shook his head and shut his eyes. I handed the sticks to Cyrus (who looked like he wanted to burn them) so they could continue with their soundcheck.

Benji was still standing there. Walked in his direction. Would he finally talk to me? Finally let me explain. As I approached he turned and walked away.

"Benji, don't walk away."

He stopped and turned around to face me, arms crossed across his chest. I grinned, he was willing to work it out.

"What are you smiling for?" he spat. "You stopped."

I was still smiling. Benji continued to pout. I got serious.

"Benji, we need to talk."

Part 4
"Talk about what?" he pouted into a couch.

I sat down next to him.

"You know what Benj."
"Look you kissed my brother and slept with Chad. What's there to talk about?"
"I what with Chad?!? Oh Benji! I would never…"
"I'm sure you wouldn't."
"Benji!"

He shook his head.

"I'm sorry."
"Babe…"
"No, wait, listen. I know I've been acting really unfair. And you deserve to tell your side, but…"
"But what Benji?"
"Well. If what you're gonna tell me is just what I wanna hear then I don't wanna hear it."
"What?" I was suddenly very angry. "And what do you wanna hear Benji? Do you wanna hear that I wanted Joel to kiss me and we've done it lotsa times behind you back? And Chad and I are totally sleeping with each other. You fucking asshole! I hate you!"

I barked and just ran out. I didn't mean a word I'd said and now I couldn't take it back. I felt terrible. I felt like I was gonna be sick. In fact I knew I was gonna be sick. I leaned over the black asphalt and puked my brains out. I felt dizzy. Well who wouldn't after bringing up the 2 meals they've had in the past 2 days.

"Jessa!" Lilly came running over.
"Sweetie are you ok?"

I nodded wearily. She put her hands around back and patted it.

"I'm taking you inside."
***
"I must have a bug or something?" I laid down.
"Or something."
"What?"
"Jess, c'mon, dizzy, tired, throwing up. I've been threw it so many times…"
"Lilly I'm not pregnant."
"Are you sure?"
"YES. I'm not pregnant, okay."
"Ok…I am."
"What?!?" I sat bolt upright.

Lilly just nodded.

"Lilly, that is great! It's so…" I was so jubilantly happy I didn't notice that Lilly didn't look thrilled.

"Lilly." I sat down "What's the matter? Does Paul know?"

She shook her head as she began crying. I put my arms around her.

"Well good Lord, why not?"
"I thought if you were pregnant too we could be pregnant together. It was gonna be fun!"

I laughed.

"Oh, Lil."
She looked at me blue eyes full of earnest "But maybe if you were pregnant too then maybe, maybe…"

She began sobbing.

"Lilly?" I looked at her concerned.
"I don't wanna lose another baby." She cried. "Did you know that I've been pregnant 2 times? And thought I was more times than I can count."
"Lilly I know."
"Well I should have a baby. Paul and I should be raising children damn it!"
"But sweetie…"
"No, what's wrong with me? Why do all my babies die?"
"Lilly, it's ok. You're baby's gonna be fine."
"You don't know that!"
"Lilly. There is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with you. There were logical reasons why you lost the other two, but this is different. You're happy, healthy, you're getting married, finally, to Paul and this is gonna turn out fine."
"Do you really think so?" She wiped some of her tears.
"Yes! I really think so! Lilly you're gonna be a mommy!" I cried and hugged her.

She cried, but now they were happy tears.

"When are you gonna tell Paul?"
"I dunno. I don't wanna get him all worked up. But it can't really hide it anymore now."
"How far along are you?" I automatically looked at her stomach.
"Oh, not far, but…well, I already don't wanna have sex. It's just…eww." she shuttered. "I mean, thinking about it. It's just, eww, I don't want him near me."
"You still need to tell him."
"Maybe after the release. They're all stressed out right now."

The release, Benji and Joel's birthday, that was tomorrow damn it! I had completely forgotten.

"Is Benji stressed out?"
"Uh…"
"Are you and Benji ok?"

I shook my head.

Lilly threw her hands, "Jesus Christ, what happened?"
"Joel kissed me."
"He what? That little fucker! So Benji found out?"
"He saw it happen. And now for some reason he thinks I slept with Chad."
"Holy fuck! Damn it, you guys were all happy and…damn!"

Lilly was quiet a second or two.

"Well, you have to apologize, completely make it up, make it better, do what you have to fucking do."

I just nodded.

"I mean it, you two are meant for each other. You hear me, MEANT!"
"Ok, Lilly."
***
When show time came around I wasn't feeling much better. I couldn't get it out of my head. Pregnant. Baby. I could be pregnant. It was entirely possible. We'd been having regular sex and we currently had no form of birth control. And if I was what would happen? Benji was mad at me. He thought I was sleeping with Chad. How can I go up to him and say 'oh great news, I'm pregnant.'?

He would probably think I'm a liar or something. He was being such a jerk. It was completely unfair. Why would he ever believe that I would do anything remotely like that? I wanted to talk to him so bad, but I didn't. I didn't want to spill about the life that may or may not exist inside me right now.

"Jessa?"

I turned around and met eyes with my sister.

"Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." I lied.
"You don't look fine."
"Well I am." I shot back.
"Look, I'm just letting you know that I'm riding with NFG, k?"
"Fine, whatever." My head felt awful again, I needed to sit down.

I plopped into one of the couches in the dressing room. I closed my eyes. I seriously felt like I was gonna pass out. God, if this is pregnancy, please let this part be over soon. I wanted to puke again. I opened my eyes and stumbled around the room to find something to throw up in. I successfully found a bucket under the catering table. I puked for the 2nd time that night and slumped onto the floor, eyes closed. I felt sooo hot.

"Jess?" I heard a male's voice. "Are you okay?"

Everything went dark after that.

Part 5
When I woke up I was in a moving vehicle and it was still dark around me. I could hear voices. Raised angry voices. Benji's voice, Joel's voice and even Paul's and Lilly's.

"Joel, what is wrong with you?" Lilly was raving.
"That's Benji's girlfriend." Paul
"Your own brother's girlfriend!" Lilly went on.
"Look, I'm not proud of myself."
"You shouldn't be." Benji sounded wounded.
"Benji you can't be mad at Jessa. She didn't do anything." Lilly tried to defend me.
"She told me she hates me Lil, hates me!"
"And she'd do anything to take those words back."
"Benj, she couldn't have meant that. She was upset." Joel pled with his brother.

No one was gonna set things right except me.

"People do a lot of things when they're upset." Benji said.

I pulled back the curtains a little and I could see Benji standing in front of the bunk I was sleeping in. Which must have been his because mine was close to the floor. I tugged on the bottom of his shirt.

"Benji."
***
"Jess?" She was laying on the floor of the dressing room and all my anger drifted away.

"Are you okay?"

She was passed out. Her skin had broken into a sweat. My poor baby was sick. I had to get her safe on the bus. I picked her up and carried her out to the bus. I laid her down in my bunk and just watched her a few seconds.

She was still my angel. But her skin was sort of pallid and her hair was already matted where she had been sweating. I frowned. How could I treat her like such a maniac? She was right, a kiss, a stupid kiss. But then…Chad. What about that?

Would she really do that? I want to think she wouldn't, but if she was upset… Chad and her are close, really close. I mean, as far as I know they could have dated before. She's never gone into detail about Chad. Why not? Was it some kind of secret?

I sat down in the back of the bus and turned on the TV. I didn't watch. I just sat down and thought about stuff. The bus began moving, leaving Bakersfield and headed to LA, home, sort of. On top of everything else, we had a record to release. Big party tomorrow, not to mention it was my birthday. Joel's too, obviously.

We were barely an hour into the ride when I heard yelling coming from the front of the bus.

"Lilly, why are you attacking Joel?" Paul sounded shocked.
"Paul do you know what he did? He's basically breaking up Jess and Benji."
"I am not!"
"Yeah," I leaned against the wall of bunks. "It was just a kiss."
"It was."
"Joel, what is wrong with you?"

I thought Lilly might smack him in the head.

"That's Benji's girlfriend." Paul shook his head.
"Your own brother's girlfriend!" Lilly went on. She was raving.
"Look, I'm not proud of myself."
"You shouldn't be."

I was still pissed at him. Twin brother or not. I've never once did anything like that to him. I respected the fact that that was my BROTHER's girlfriend. Even when I was upset. Even when she was totally hot. Even when SHE came onto me.

"Benji you can't be mad at Jessa. She didn't do anything."

Lilly was acting the way I'd expect her to. Defending Jess. Women are always united on this kinda shit.

"She told me she hates me Lil, hates me!"
"And she'd do anything to take those words back."
"Benj, she couldn't have meant that. She was upset." Joel pled with me.
"People do a lot of things when they're upset." I retorted hoping he got the drift.

Joel looked at his feet. I felt something tug on my shirt.

"Benji." Jessa peered out sleepily.
"Jess." I couldn't keep the concern out of my voice.
***
"Hey" Benji leaned down to me.
"We need to talk Benji."

I climbed out of his bunk. He looked at me like he couldn't believe I could walk. I looked at Lilly, Paul and Joel and then back at Benji.

"What happened exactly?" I asked them.
"Ask Benj."
"I found you on the floor of the dressing room." Benji explained. "You passed out. I, I brought you back here, so you can sleep."

I smiled vaguely at him.

"We were worried." Paul told me.

Lilly just stared at me. I looked at Benji and motioned to the back.

"Can we talk now? For real, I promise I'll listen, if you do."

Benji nodded and followed me.

We sat across from each other on the couch. The same couch Benji had laid me on a month ago on Valentines. After a couple seconds of staring at our hands I looked into his eyes.

"Benji. I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry that you had to see so many things the wrong way."
"Jessa I just need to know the truth."
"Your dumbass brother kissed me. and yeah, I kissed him before. And yeah, I should have told you, but I forgot about it and I really didn't think what happened before us would matter so much to you. I was wrong, obviously, I'm sorry."
"What about Chad?"
"What about him? Benji, I didn't have sex with him last night. I stayed most of the night outside of your room. then Chad came and took me to his room to sleep. Nothing happened. He hung out with my sister all night."
"but Steve…"
"Steve is a liar and doesn't know what he talking about. I don't know what he heard but it wasn't Chad and I doing it. I wouldn't do that Benji. I couldn't do that to you no matter how upset I was."

Benji nodded.

"Especially not with Chad."
"Tell me. What is the real history between you? 'Cause Jess I, I can't stand to see you with him. Something about the way he, he touches you. And the way he talks, I can't…deal."
"Benji are you jealous?"
"Of the guy my girlfriend will run to with any problem? Yeah!" Benji raised his voice slightly. "Have you ever…did you ever sleep with him?"

I sighed and took a deep breath. I shook my head.

"Benji, Chad's like my big brother."

Benji just stared at me, unconvinced.

I sighed. "Ok like my big brother, whom I've made out with 2 or 3 times."

Benji shut his eyes with anger.

"If you don't wanna know, I don't need to tell you."
"No, tell me."
"Look, Dylan was a musician he knew Chad, he knew all of New Found Glory. So I became friends with them that way. Chad had a crush on me, always has, and I mean, I was attracted to him, but I had a boyfriend, ya know? And then Dylan broke my heart and it was over. Chad and I were still friends. We would hang out and stuff and I guess we just both kinda had a crush on each other and we kissed and made out a little bit, but that's as far as it ever went. It was kinda just to get it out of our systems."
"And?"
"And, that was it. Chad went to record and go on tour. He called me for awhile, then he stopped. I hadn't talked with him in months until he called Paul a couple months ago."
"That's it?"
"That's it Benji. We never had sex. Chad just looks out for me. Really he's like my older brother."
***
Well I felt stupid.

"So?" Jessa asked.
"Uh."
"Is everything okay now? You're not mad at me?"
"I'm mad at myself."
"oh, Benji, don't be."
"I shouldn't have treated you like that."
"Benji it's not your fault."
"No. Jessa I completely over-reacted. I think maybe some things happened too fast for us. I think maybe we should take our time with things. I mean, cause we're just gonna fuck things up if we put our hearts completely into this."
"So, what we should break up, Benji?"
***
And what will this mean for the possible unborn child? Is it fast enough for you, Benj?

"That's not what I'm saying."
"Then what?"
"Fuck, I dunno. Like maybe we oughtta stop having sex all the time. I mean, we don't even use anything. You're gonna end up pregnant and, Jesus, how that could fuck everything up right now."

I had heard enough. I cleared the lump in my throat and stood up.

"I'm still not feeling so hot. I think I should go back to sleep."
"Oh, ok." He stood up and kissed my cheek. He smiled. "I missed you."
"I missed you too."

I forced a smile and climbed into my own bunk. I pulled the curtain shut and wrapped the blanket around me. I didn't fall back to sleep. I tried to. To at least forget about things for a little while. But my eyes were wide open. I silently prayed.

Please dear lord, don't let me be pregnant. I'll build you a hundred churches and give my first big payoff to charity. In Jesus, precious name I pray, amen.

Part 6
I couldn't believe I was in my own apartment again. 3 months had gone by since I'd last seen it. It was cleaner than I left it, which was odd since Renee was a filthy slob and my sister was always too busy to clean up.

"Renee!" Adriana hollered from the kitchen.

We had walked in the door 20 minutes ago. Adriana walked out with her hands on her hips.

"Did you leave a pot of macaroni and cheese on the stove?"
"Fuck!" Renee murmured.
"You are going to wash it. NOW!"
"But…"
"But nothing." It was amazing how my little sister could sound just like our mother.
"I have a date with Tony."
"Sex can wait."

Renee pouted and stalked into the kitchen. It was like I'd never left. I could hear the sink running.

"For your information," Renee was shouting over the sound of running water.

She came to the edge of the door and leaned on it with a dishrag in her hand, water still running.

"There is a lot more to this relationship than sex."
"Oh it's a relationship, now, is it?" I raised my eyebrow. And looked at Adriana. She rolled her eyes.
"I really like him." Renee defended herself and went back to her pot. She shut off the water.
"Yeah, he's great." I rolled my eyes, great when he wasn't talking, I swear to God, I couldn't stand him.
"He is. I mean I know he's like really cocky and blunt and basically an asshole. And he fucks anything that walks and drinks too much…" These were supposed to be good things?
"But," Renee stood in the doorway again. She grinned. "He can be really sweet. When he isn't drinking…"
"Which is never."

Renee scowled.

"When he's sober, he's a different guy. I talked with him for hours. About like everything. We have a lot in common. It's like someone just like me. I dunno, it's weird."

Renee had a very odd look on her face indeed. Could our baby finally be growing up?

"And he's one helluva fuck."

Of course not. I shook my head.

The phone rang.

"Hello?" I picked it up.
"Jessa Casablancas, please."
"This is she."
"Hi, I'm Alex Peck."
"Uh…"
"I'm from Mark Fabian's office."
"Ok…" he was my agent, had been since I joined the writer's guild.
"Mark didn't tell you anything did he?"
"No, sorry. I've been out of town."
"Yes, you're working for Epic records right now, correct? Well, I'm gonna be working with you from now on."
"Oh. What about Mark?"
"I'll be handling you from now on." Handling me? Why did I not like the sound of that, oh yeah, 'cause I wasn't an ANIMAL.
"Oh…"
"Well I want to meet with you as soon as possible to arrange some interviews and things like that. I've read the script and…"
"Did you like it?"
"Yes." She said like I wasn't allowed to ask. "Look tonight we could…"
"Can't. It's my boyfriend's birthday and record release. I can't miss it sorry. I'll be in town a couple of days though we can…"
"Where is this party?"
"The Roxy."
"Sunset?"
"Uh huh."
"Time?"
"7:30"
"Ok, bye."
"B-bye."

The phone was dead.

"Who was that?" Adriana asked.
"My worst nightmare."
***
"Dude, are you really that nervous?"

Joel stood outside my bedroom door and saw me praying.

"I dunno, Joel. It's always kinda scary. And they decided to make this a big deal. I just don't wanna see it blow up in our face."

Joel patted my shoulder.

"Don’t' worry. We rule!" he grinned.
"Is mom here?"
"Her plane got in this morning. She's at the Beverly hills hotel."
"Joel…" I began to chastise him.
"Hey, Momma's never gotten to stay anyplace really, really nice before. Let her enjoy it. her boys grew up so that she wouldn't have to lift her finger ever again."
"Unless she wants to. She's stubborn."
"Just like you knuckle head." Joel knocked on my forehead.

I beat him off.

"So." Joel and I walked downstairs. "Are you gonna introduce Jessa to Momma?"
"Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

Joel shrugged. We shut the door behind us and walked towards the driveway.

"You think Momma will like her?" I asked earnestly.
"Benji, I think she'll like Jess more than she likes you."
"Oh ha ha Joel. Guess you had to give him one in 28 years huh?" I looked up at the sky.
"Dude, we're 28-years-old, that's fucking crazy." Joel ran his hands through his hair and picked his keys out of his pocket.
"We are not taking the Rabbit."
"Why not?"
"Because it's a piece of shit Joel. You've had it forever."
"Oh so I suppose we're gonna pimp it up in that damn Escalade."
"Or the Mercedes." I said wiggling my eyebrows so that I looked like Joel. This would probably be considered cute to anybody who saw it, because Joel made the same exact motion.

I opened the rarely used garage and it uncovered the diamond in the rough. The gorgeous 2004 Mercedes Benz, silver, black (p)leather interior. Joel had always loved this car. I hardly ever drove it and Joel thought I was crazy. But I thought he was crazy for a lot of reasons, driving a 1982 Rabbit, dating psycho bitches, buying chicks ugly expensive bracelets and the like.

"I'll even let you drive." I tossed him the keys.

Joel had a huge grin.

We got into the car. Joel was like a 5-year-old on Christmas.

"Happy birthday, Joel."
"Happy birthday, Benjamin."
***
I looked at the little box. All I had to do was pee on a stick and then wait 10 minutes. I ran out to the drug store this afternoon and bought a pregnancy test and a box of condoms (because, HELL-O, make up sex and it's his birthday, double good!). The cashiers probably thought I was a whore. But I didn't care, I bought a king sized Reeses and a TV Guide too, to round it off. I sat on the toilet in the bathroom, wearing my most incredibly delicious dress, eating the Reeses and contemplated parenthood and how I would tell Benji. 'You're gonna be a father, happy birthday!'

A horn honked outside. I ran out and looked out my bedroom window. A silver Mercedes that Benji and I had taken out once on a whim for a cruise around LA was pulled up in front. I dumped the pregnancy test in my purse along with some condoms. I shook my head at the irony. If I was pregnant, I wouldn't really need them, but hey I could always give them to Renee.

"You better get down there." Adriana came up behind me. "I'll see you there."

She was going with Chad. Maybe I could give her some condoms. I smiled.

"Ok, I'll see you in a few." I gave her hug and went downstairs.

To my surprise Joel was driving and in the back seat was a small woman I'd only seen in pictures. It was his mother I felt the urge to hold my purse shut very tightly. I smiled shyly as Benji got out of the car. He looked me up and down and grinned.

"Mmm, good Jessa." he whispered to me as he held open the door for me to get in next to his mother in the back seat.

I smiled as warmly as I could at her. she smiled back. I couldn't believe how much the twins looked like their mother. Benji leaned over his seat and looked into the back.

"Momma, this is Jessa. Jessa, my mom."
"Hi, Mrs…miss…" I was confused, what the hell do I call her?
"Go ahead and call me Momma. Everybody else seems to." She grinned.

I smiled and nodded.

"It's nice to meet you Momma."
"It's nice to meet you too. You look very nice sweetheart. Benji did you complement her on how she looks?"

I wanted to laugh. Benji turned around and grinned.

"You look great, Jess."
"Thanks, so do you." I blushed.

He did look particularly yummy. He had on black Dickies and instead of a t-shirt, he actually wore something with a collar. Black of course, he wasn't making leaps and bounds, but he looked good and smelled like coconuts. His hair was getting sort of on the long side and he had it spiked out. He wore studs in his ear instead of hoops and he didn't paint his face. Mmm, that's good Benji.

Joel looked pretty hot himself, although I might never ever say outloud. He had on plain black pants and a white dress shirt, unbuttoned a little, no tie. He had a tiny bit of stubble. This all made him look a little like a Harrison Ford character. That manly kind of sexy.

Joel made pretty good time, I could tell he was having ball driving the Mercedes. I saw Momma hold onto the sides of the car a few times, when Joel took corners like Mario Andretti.

"Joel, could you please drive like a sane person. For your mother's sake." I told him.

He slowed.

"Sorry, Momma." No matter how old you get you still have to apologize to your mom.

The Roxy was all lit up and there was a mini red carpet dealy set up. There was 3 dozen kids waiting, with album flats again. A couple radio stations and people from music magazines and TV shows were here. Benji and Joel got out of the car first and met with screams from the crowd and a group of girls singing "Happy Birthday." They grinned. Momma and I got out of the car whilst the crowd were occupied with the twins. Momma simply beamed. She was proud of her boys, punks, or not.

Benji grabbed a hold of my arm and Joel took his mother's.

"We've got the hottest dates, Joel!" Benji smiled at his mom and at me.
"Hell yeah!" Joel covered his mouth, eyes wide looking at his mother.
"I can forgive you for that one." Momma brought his hands down. "Now c'mon, I want everyone to see my hot date!"

She took Joel's arm as we all laughed. We walked down the brief carpet posing for pictures every couple of feet. It took forever. When I thought my cheeks couldn't take anymore smiling, we had finally made it inside. The place looked great. A dozen tables were spread around the room all with black and red decorations. Giant banners proclaiming Good Charlotte hung from the rafters.

Paul and Lilly came in after us. They were grinning.

"Momma!" Lilly wrapped her arms around her.
"Lilly, oh, how are you?"
"I'm great. Did you hear?"
"Yes, you're finally getting married." She hugged her again and grinned knowingly at Paul. She gave him a hug too.
"I wanna hug!" Billy came over, with a beautiful carmel skinned woman with dark hair on his arm.
"Little Billy!" Momma wrapped her arms around him.

I laughed, there was someone who still called him little Billy. He motioned to the beauty on his arm.

"This is Carly."
She grinned showing a huge smile. "Hello. It's so nice to meet you all, I've heard so much about you all."

She a thick Australian accent. Her hair was extremely long and her eyes were brown. She had her lip pierced the way Benji's was and she had 5 holes up along the ridge of her ear.

"Where's Chris?" I looked around.
"BOO!" he jumped out from behind me.
"Cheese and Rice Chris!"

He and Amy giggled.

"We came in through the back."
"If you're all here…" Paul looked around
"Can we tell them?" Lilly bounced on the balls of her feet.

Paul nodded.

"We're pregnant!"
"Oh, sweetheart!" Momma immediately enveloped Lilly into a hug.
"Hey, alright!" Joel gave Paul a high five.

Lilly and I grinned at each other. Benji saw us, he wiggled his eyebrow, like Joel.

"Did you already know?"
"What? Girls talk, okay."

We all headed for a table when something tugged on my arm.

"Jessa Casablancas?"

Part 7
I looked up and saw a brown haired woman attached to my arm. I stared at her. This was unbelievable, I knew exactly who this was.

"I'm Alex Peck." She held out her hand.
"I'm busy." I turned away.

She followed me to the table.

"Look I've been trying to get a hold of you."
"I told already that I couldn't tonight. We can do this tomorrow."

She shook her shaggy head.

"I'm not 'working' tonight." I made it VERY clear.

I swear I thought she'd hit me. Joel had a sideways smile.

"You know, Alex, was it? You're welcome to stay."

She sort of blushed when Joel looked at her and smiled weakly. Alex sat down at the chair provided.
***
The night had gone on. It was awesome. Everybody had showed up. I was star struck every couple of seconds. Adriana had showed up with Chad about 20 minutes after we did and he kept whispering in her ear. She'd giggle and blush. It was cute. Benji had gone to look for Tony, who was according to his bandmates, here. My guess is he and Renee were hidden away somewhere.

"Hey!" Steve had both my shoulders.

He looked really nice. He had his hair slicked back though and it reminded me a little of John Travolta.

"Hi."
"Great party, huh?"
"Oh, yeah. Everybody's here."
"Just wait until the cake arrives!"

I sipped my soda.

"Hey, did you break up with Chad?"
"What?"
"Hey, baby…" Benji came up behind me.
"Baby?" Steve looked at us both.

Damn it. The jig was up.

"You two! You've been together…this whole time! You lied to me?!"

I bit my lip and looked at my feet.

"Look, Steve…"
"You know you can't work for them anymore, right?" he was angry.

I just nodded. Steve stormed away.

"Don't worry about him."
"Benj, I do feel bad. I mean, we did straight out lie to him. Maybe if we'd been upfront he would have…"

I felt woozy.

"You okay?" Benji face was twisted into concern.
"Y-yeah. I think I should sit down." I rubbed my head.

Benji pulled out a chair for me and I sat down.

"I'm gonna go get you some water."

I nodded and laid my head down.
***
I walked through the crowd as quickly as I could, but everyone kept stopping me.

"Benji, hey, happy birthday man!" someone pulled me into a bear hug.
"Thanks Carson." I broke free of his grasp and kept walking.

"Ben-G!" someone shouted.

I turned and waved at some big black guy I didn't remember ever knowing. This was crazy.

"Dude," I tried to catch the bartender's attention. He turned around and grinned at me.
"Water?" I asked.

"Oh sorry, we're all out."
"OUT of WATER?!" What the fuck? "Do you have a glass then?"

I'd fill it from the bathroom sink if I had to. No water, tuh!

In the hall leading to the bathrooms I'd finally found my best friend. He had Renee leaning against the wall and they talked to each other with muffled whispers. Grinning like fools.

"Hey, Benj, happy birthday man!"
"Thanks."
"What are you doing? Gonna piss in a cup?" he motioned to the glass in my hand.
"Water, for Jess. She's not feeling very well."
"She's not an evil whore anymore?" Tony asked.
"She never was."

Renee hit his chest.

"What?" he looked at her.
"Jess is like my best friend. You're gonna hafta like her if you're gonna be my boyfriend."
"Am I gonna be your boyfriend?" Tony leaned down and kissed her neck. Renee giggled.

I slipped into the bathroom. And began to fill the glass. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. 28! 28-years-old. Damn, there were so many times I thought I'd never make it to this age. Just 2 years ago, I could have killed myself. I would have and almost did.

I shook, my head, not going there, Benj. Jessa is sick.

I headed back out to the floor, and walked as fast as I could to the table. I ignored every request made to me. It was Joel's birthday too damn it. Where the fuck was Joel?

"Jess…"

I looked up. I dropped the glass without even realizing I'd done it, it shattered into a thousand tiny pieces. Jessa jerked her head up.

"Benji?"

I was speechless
***
"Happy Birthday, Benji."

Benji couldn't speak. I looked at the woman standing in front of us. She was short, but taller than me and had dark curly hair.

"Benji?" I stood up and grabbed his shoulder. "Baby are you ok?"
"Baby?" The woman asked.
"Who are you?" I looked at her.

Benji was practically catatonic. Suddenly his mother was at his side.

"Benjamin?" She sounded concerned and then looked in his eyeline. She glared at the woman. "Get out of here! Get the hell away from my son!"

Then, I suddenly realized who she was and I was gonna be sick. I ran to the bathroom. I could hear Benji calling after me. I ran in and slammed the door behind me. I locked it and then emptied my stomach into the nearest toilet. It smelled like peanut butter. I sat woozily on the floor and saw the spilled contents of my purse.

The pregnancy test labeled "Fast. Easy. Accurate." Was sitting in the middle surrounded by condoms in purple wrappers and my house keys. I picked it up. Now was a good a time as any. I unpackaged it and stood up, leaving my purse and it's spilled belongings on the floor.

I shut the stall door and laughed at myself. Like that mattered when I had the entire bathroom to myself.

Peeing on a little stick was not the easiest thing in the world. I had to stand in the oddest position holding the stick between my legs. It was a good thing I had drunk 3 cokes, actually peeing was the easiest part.

I finished and swung open the door to set the stick on the counter. My heel caught the edge of my purse and it slid across the floor. Luckily I grabbed onto the sides of the stall to catch myself, or I would be butt first in the toilet.

I finally set the stick on the counter. Now was the really hard part. Waiting. I washed my hands (Very thoroughly). I could hear Benji banging on the door.

"Jess! Jessa! Open the door baby! Are you ok? Babe!?"

I didn't answer him or say anything. I waited, sitting on the counter. I finished the 2 Reeses left in the wrapper in my purse, savoring each peanut buttery bite. I looked at the clock on my cell phone. 3 minutes had passed. Damn it, c'mon…

Benji continued to bang on the door. He probably thought I was passed out or dead and if he thought that he'd find a way to bust down that door.

"I'm ok, babe, just give me a few minutes." I called and licked my fingers, mmm, peanut butter.

I looked at the clock again. 4 more minutes. I passed the time by reading the instruction on the pregnancy test box. I read them in French and in Spanish. Then for kicks I read the Send your Questions and Comments here phone number and address. I picked up my phone. I imagined talking to the operator. 'Yes, I have a comment and/or question, if I take the pregnancy test a second time will the answer be different? Can I exchange it if I'm not happy with the results?'

I was about to dial when I noticed the clock said 11:17pm. Not only had 10 minutes passed, 11 minutes had. I jumped off the counter.