Part 1
We hadn't talked about it, since it happened. It had happened and nothing had changed. It pissed me off more than anything. Benji pretended I hadn't said what I'd said on the phone that night. Pretended he hadn't said it back when we lay in each other's sweaty embrace. Pretended that we were still friends and nothing had changed. Asshole. What a MAN.

Speak of the devil.

"Hey," Benji grinned, coming on to the bus and put his arms around my shoulders. "You gonna show me what you got last night?"

I shrugged.

"C'mon, did you catch the girl that ran up? Did you get her on tape?"

I nodded and stared at my laptop screen.

"So," Benji pulled a bottle of water out of the fridge, unscrewed the cap and took a swig. "Where is it?"

I sighed and glared at him. he smiled wide revealing the cute indents on each cheek. I rolled my eyes. I motioned for him to come over to the screen. I clicked to open my latest footage. Benji laughed watching the girl hop on stage and stand there next to Paul for at least 30 seconds with a dazed look on her face. Finally Paul nudged her out of the way and Joel put the microphone in her face. She completely forgot the words to "The Anthem" and was led off stage.

"That was hysterical." Benji took another drink

I chuckled.

"So what were you doing?" he nodded to the laptop.
"Nothing really. Trying to edit some of this stuff."
"Wanna come with me and Tony? Were gonna go check out the scenery."

I shook my head. "Nuh uh."
"C'mon, Jess, you've been on tour with us for 2 weeks now, get out of the bus, ENJOY life on the road."
"I am enjoying myself."
"Yeah sounds like you are."
I was flushed with anger. "And who's fault is that?"
"Your own," Benji shot back.

"Ready?" Tony came onto the bus, "Jess-UH! What's up homegirl?"

He always said my name like that, it was annoying as fuck and I wanted to smack him sometimes. I flashed my evil eyes his way.

"Are you sure you don't wanna come?" Benji asked again.

I just glared.

"Have fun pouting then." Benji called and left with Tony.

I threw a pillow across the bus and banged my head down on the table with and aggravated sigh.

I hate him! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!

My laptop made a jingling noise. New Mail? From who?

I opened it.

>>Yo, Jessa,
>>What's up girly? Not mcuch over here. I hear your with GC. Coolio, we;ll meet up soon
>>then. We definitely have to hook up and hang out, allright? I bring the Jack and you bring
>>the coke. haha
>>Hit me back, just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan this is Chad

I grinned. Soon I'd have the boys of New Found Glory to hang with and my Benji drama wouldn't matter. I could laugh with Chad forever. He was a funny guy. Grinning I closed my laptop and headed out the bus.

Upstate New York was one helluva cold place in late January. And it was a boring place to boot. Small towns didn't interest me and neither did cold weather.

"Hey," Joel came up behind me rubbing his hands together. "Where'd Benji go with Tony?"
"Who cares?"
"Are you mad at him?"
"And why would I possibly be upset with your perfect brother." I said sarcastically.
"What happen to you two?"

Could I tell Joel? Sure he'd tell Benji, but did I care anymore?

"Let's go back inside."

Joel let me go up the stairs first. In the back of the bus once we'd stripped our heavy coats Joel sat across from me.

"So, what happened? I mean last time I heard you guys were making out."
"Hmph."
"So…what?"
"We had sex, that's what. And I told him that I loved him and now he pretends like nothing ever happened."

Joel looked shocked. "He, he did that?"
"Yeah, asshole. He acts like we can just be friends now. How can I be friends with him? I'm fucking in love with him."

Joel was quiet.

"Do you know something I don't?"
"What?" Joel looked up. "No."

I continued to probe him.

"I don't, I thought he really liked you too. He seemed like he did. He always…"Joel stopped.
"He always what?"

Joel didn't answer me.

"Joel?!"
"It's just every time I talked to Benji about you he always had an excuse about how you were just friends, but I knew he was lying to me. I mean, were fucking twins, right? I thought he was falling for you. I really did and I thought he was finally gonna be happy…"
"You thought I was like, his ONE?"
"Yeah, I guess so." Joel shook his head. "You don't understand I'd never seen him act the way he did about a girl the way he acted with you. He got nervous and awkward around you. But you knew that right?"

I nodded, I did. I acted the same way. We had always been a certain amount scared of each other.

"Look, Benj, still might come around. Alright?"
I nodded.

"Are you starving?"
I nodded again and we left in search of a hot meal.

Part 2

What the hell was the matter with me? Jessa was so amazing and I was throwing her away, I was losing her. Why? Because Georgie broke my heart. Did she leave me that scarred?

I loved her. I told her that when she laid in my arms after we'd made love. I wished I hadn't told her that. All the cards were laid out now, but I don't think this is what either of us had imagined it would be like.

I looked at Jessa now and I was scared, by now I was just scared she hated my guts cause I had the nerve to try and forget the whole 'I love you' situation. I couldn't believe she had said it when she did. I was caught so off guard.

"I love you." "What?"

I was surprised. I didn't know what else to say. I didn't think she'd just blurt it out to me. I wasn't even sure she'd felt that way. And then she hit me with anger. But she showed up at my door, eyes red with tears, but she said she wanted me and she needed me. That was what I wanted her to say wasn't it?

But fuck, the shit had hit the fan now, hadn't it? Now when she met my eyes they were filled with hate, with anger and sometimes hurt. I'd hurt her so much and I didn't want to but I couldn't help myself, it just came natural.

What hurt most was how I'd lost my best friend. Gone was the days spent watching movies. Jessa's witty remarks. I just wanted to make her smile again. I put my head in my hands.

"Dude, are you crying?"
"What?" I looked up at Tony. "No, fuck. I'm just thinking."
"Well stop it, it's not good for you."
"It's Jessa, man…"
"Aww, fuck, Benji, you're not in love with her?"

I didn't say anything. I knew I should have talked to Joel.

"Girls, are not fucking worth it. I thought you learned that with George." I shook my head, "Naw, this is different. Jessa is different."
"They’re all the same, man. Just someone to eat out your heart and spend your money."
"Tone, shut up. You don't know what your talking about. You've never been in love."
"And that's why I can see this for what it fucking is. It's a fucking game, but nobody wins, everybody loses and no one gets laid."

I shook my head. "Just shut up, you obviously don't understand."
"Come on, lets go do something?" Tony slapped me on the shoulder.

I got up and followed him. outside the bus I nearly ran head first into Jessa and Lilly. I avoided Jessa's gaze, but she tapped my arm. I looked up afraid to see what was in her rusty eyes. She only gave me an awkward nervous smile, but quickly broke eye contact.

"We need to talk," I thought I heard her whisper. But I think I imagined it.
***
"Life, hope, truth, trust, faith, pride, love, lust, pain, hate, lies, guilt, laugh, cry, live ,die." I sang, feeling Jessa's artificial eye on me.

She floated around the stage right behind me following Paul's antics, her arm brushed my back and I felt myself shiver. Soon she was on the other side of the stage watching Billy with her camera. I tried not to look at her and to instead focus on my audience. It'd been a long time since they were so close to us.

Years we played to these huge 1,000 people deep crowds, but we couldn't hang anymore. It got tiring. So we laid down the law and didn't play all those arena's anymore. It was a lot more basic, besides, we could hardly fill the arena's anymore. The 12-year-old girls had grown up and moved on. It made our fan base a lot more fun to be around now. Not that they weren't flattering as hell, it's just hard to understand 12-year-old girls when you're a 20 year-old man and you've never been one.

We finished our set and walked off stage covered in sweat. Jessa was showing Lilly some of the footage she'd just captured. Jessa was grinning, wide enough to see the snaggle tooth she had in the right side of her mouth. She looked at me, still grinning, I couldn't help but grin back.

"You were awesome!" Jessa said.
"Really?" I was grinning ear to ear.
"Meh, shut up Jess!" Billy threw his hand.

My smile disappeared. She was talking to the whole band. Not to me, why would I think that? She hates me. Why shouldn't she?

I used one of the clean towels on hand to wipe my ego off my face and walked down the hall towards our dressing room.

This was it, weren't friends anymore, we weren't lovers, weren't anything at all. It killed me because it was my fault. Just talk to her, the voice in my head told me. I shook my head and opened the door to the dressing room.

"Benj!" Jessa said behind me.

I spun around to meet her.

"Can we talk now?" her brown eyes were pleading.

She had said that earlier.

I nodded, "Yeah."

We went into the tiny room and I shut the door behind me. She just started talking all together in one breath.

"Benji, what is going on here? I can't stand this not talking bullshit. Okay, so if you think it was a mistake we slept together we'll just have to deal with that, but we aren't even friends anymore. Not really. Now it's just really awkward."
"Ok, ok," I tried to calm her down. "Look, I don't think it was a mistake and I don't regret it, at all. Jess…"

I began to trail off. I wasn't sure I wanted to say what came next, but Jessa's eyes were pleading with me. I could see them getting teary the longer I waited, but a lump was forming in my throat.

"Jess, I was scared."
"Scared? Of what? Benj, I've never seen you scared of anything."
"I know, but I am scared. I'm scared that I'll lose you…that I'll lose your friendship. You mean so much to me Jessa."

She whimpered and it sent chills up my spine.

"I couldn't ruin our friendship Jess, it means the world to me that you'll always be there for me." I didn't go on, I could already see the pain etched in her delicate features.
***
How could he say that? I couldn't stop the tear from escaping my lashes.

Part 3
I had let it go, the way I'd let it go for months. I didn't want to lose him as a friend either but damn it, Benji. So I was stuck here like this, with my best friend who lied to me everyday. Scared, you pussy Benji!

I was happier though, we were far from the normal we used to enjoy, but we were talking again and laughing again. Slowly we were falling into the same routines.

I furrowed my eyebrows, Stupid computer. It was freezing up again.

"Don't snarl up your face that way." Benji sat across from me at the table with a bowl of cereal.
"Shut up."
"My aren't we chipper today."
"Eat your damn cereal, leave me alone."
"Jess."
"WHAT? Cheese and Rice!"
"Who shit in your Cornflakes?"
"It’s this stupid laptop. It's not working, AGAIN," I yelled AT the computer like it could get hurt by my words.
"Maybe you outta give it a rest, once in a while."

Benji crunched on his cereal. I breathed, trying my best to calm down. It was a machine, only a machine.

"Let's go do something today."
"Like what?"
"I dunno," Benji drank the milk from his bowl and it dribbled down his chin. "wanna go see a movie or something?" I shook my head, "We’ve already seen everything."
"Well…" Benji began

From outside there was a monstrous honk.

"Alright, now the fun begins," I could hear Paul says as he looked out the window and dashed out the door.

Another huge tour bus had pulled up next to Good Charlotte's. Out came 5 relatively average guys wearing various bands shirts and jackets. It was New Found Glory. I grinned and closed my laptop. I ran towards the door of the bus.

"Where are you going?" Benji asked, when I was already out the door and running (in the snow, no less) towards them.
"Chad!"
"Hey!" he smiled and gave me a hug, it'd been ages.

I suddenly shivered, I was only wearing some sweats, a tee, and Benji's MADE hoodie.

"Let's get you inside somewhere J, you're gonna freeze," Chad motioned for me to lead him onto GC's bus.

"Yo, man, what's up?"

I saw Benji standing at the foot of the stairs. He had his arms crossed in a perfect punk rock pout.

"Hey, man." Benji nodded a hello but didn't break the pout.

"J!" Jordan came behind me and put his arm around my shoulder.
"J!" I said back.
"Hey, Benj."

Benji was still blocking the entrance.

"Let's us on the bus you sadistic bitch. You like watching us freeze?" Chad said.

Benji looked at me, Jordan and Chad on either side of me. I swear there was jealousy.

"I thought we were gonna do something?" he asked, finally letting us through.
"They just got here and it's cold, can't we just hang out?"
"I guess."
"You guess?"

Benji uncrossed his arms and smiled.

"Yeah, sure, let's hang out."

"What has been up with you?" Chad sat down next to me.
"You'd know if you didn't stop calling me." I stuck out my tongue.

Chad shrugged.

"What about you?"
"Tour, tour, and um, tour."

I laughed. It seemed like forever since we'd talked.

"So, Benj, how'd you guys snatch up little J here?"
"We met a few months ago."
"Cool, so what are you, designated bedtime buddy?"

I made a face.

"That's not cool, man." Benji stuck up for me.

Chad shrugged again, "I'm sorry, J."

I shook my head. "Chad, you're a loser."

Benji and Jordan laughed.

"Yeah, I know." Chad grinned. He leaned over to me seriously, "But you love me anyways."
"That I do," I laughed.
"So what are you doing, seriously?" Jordan asked.
"I'm talking to you J."

Everybody laughed again.

"I'm filming Good Charlotte."
"Yeah? Awesome!"
"It can be," I smirked at Benji.
"Look I know I'm too beautiful, and no camera could ever capture my beauty…" Benji pretended to fix his hair.
"You wish, Benj."

I pulled the pillow from behind me and threw it at Benji. Benji screamed and fell over.

"Benj, what are you doing?" Joel came into the lounge, he saw Jordan and Chad sitting there. "When'd you guys get here?"
"We've always been here, Joel."
"Self-involved egomaniac."

Joel gave them a sideways smile. Benji got up off the floor, grinning.

"I'd love to chat but we have soundcheck."
"Ooh, can I come?" I asked picking up my camera.
"Sure. C'mon, monkey." Joel jerked his neck to Benji.

Benji scratched under his armpits and made monkey sounds. He attempted to pick "bugs" from Joel's "fur."

"Dude," Joel turned around and made a face.
"OO, OO?" Benji said innocently and pouted his bottom lip.

Joel just shook his head.
***
I stood at the edge of the stage, my camera pointed at Benji while he idly strummed his green Ernie Ball special, sitting on the drum stand. Benji looked up at me a second and noticed I was filming him. He flashed a grin and then flipped me off. I laughed. He turned around and spanked himself.

"Kiss my ass paparazzo!"

I couldn't help laughing.

"Jessa can I talk to you." Good Charlotte's manager, Steve, stood behind me. "Yeah sure." I lowered my camera.

I could hear Benji in the background yelling, "That's right biatch, give me some privacy!"

Standing in the semi darkness surrounding the stage, I fiddled with my zoom. Continually bringing Steve's collar in and out of focus.

"What's up?"
"Is there something going on with Benji and you that I should know about?"
"Me and Benj? No, why?"
"I might have heard something about you two sleeping together. That's just a rumour?" he raised an eyebrow.

Someone's got a big fucking mouth I thought.

"Yeah, totally," I lied. It wasn't like it was gonna happen again.
"Good, because you know what would happen if there was something going on?"

Steve took my silence to mean I had no idea, I didn't.

"You'd have to leave, Jessa, I'd be forced to fire you."
"What?" un-fucking-believable
"The label is paying you a good deal of money…"

They were, turns out they were really impressed the portfolio of work I had shown them and since I had to leave my job at Piper Editing to be here, they compensated, OVERcompensated.

"..to be here, Jessa, you essentially work for the band. The label can't afford to have interpersonal relationships between the band and it's staff."
"Well, you have nothing to worry about." I smiled, but I was seething.
"Good, I hope you don’t give me a reason to worry either."

Steve walked away and I kicked a pile of cable nearby.

Part 4
"Well, I wasn't paid by the label." Lilly was telling me after show as the bus rambled through the nighttime.

"Just by Paul." She smirked. "I was well paid."
"You perv." I laughed. "Still, I think that's a fucked up policy. And what is with Steve knowing about it? I mean, you didn't say anything?"
"Of course not. I don’t kiss and tell for my friends. Who am I gonna tell anyways? Paul? Here's my impression of me telling Paul. 'Hey, guess what? Benji and Jessa had sex.' 'No shit, gimme a pash.' He's obsessed with that word."

I laughed so hard milk would have shot outta my nose, if I liked milk and happened to be drinking some.

"What are we laughing about?" Benji sauntered over looking cute as hell.

I shook my head. "Nevermind. I wish we were gonna stay in a hotel. Do you know when we will?"
"They don't tell us anything, we’re just the talent." Benji shrugged. "Why?"
"I need a freaking bed, that's why." I rubbed my back. "My back is going to hell."
"You can sleep in my bunk." He leaned into the fridge, "Damn it, Joel did you eat my lasagna?"

Joel came to the front of the bus from the back lounge.

"Mmm, lasagna." Joel rubbed his belly.
"Biatch!" Benji smacked the back of Joel's head. "I was saving that!"
"Ya snooze, ya lose." Joel grinned, and endured a second assault from Benji.
"What IS that?" Benji asked as a loud whirring sounded.

Benji tumbled forward toppling over Joel on the floor as the bus shuttered to a halt.

"What the fuck!?" Benji cried.
"What's going on?" Billy called from the back.

There was a hissing noise of air coming out of the tires and the clap of the bus door opening. Steve walked in cell phone to his ear.

"Uh, huh, okay…right!" he snapped his flip phone shut and looked at the tangle of Benjoel on the floor.

Benjoel tried to get up.

"Oww, holy fuck."
"Benj, let me up!"
"Stop moving, STOP MOVING!"
"Benj!"
"My lip is stuck to your chain dude, stop moving." Benji said finally coming loose.

He rubbed his sore lip, "Fuck."

"Everybody okay?" Steve looked around.
"Do I look fucking okay?" Benji said aggravated, he rubbed his lip again and leaned over to me, "Am I bleeding?"

I shook my head, Benji stood up straight and held his face in his hand.

"What happened?" Billy was scratching his head and squinting in the light.

"The bus broke down." Steve told us, "But it'll be ok. Somebody's coming in the morning and we might even make it to Cincinnati on time. But for tonight, were staying at a place up the road."
"What about Mest and NFG?" Joel asked.
"They're buses are fine."
"Well are they gonna stay the night too?"
"No, they're already on their way. Get some of your things together, I've got cars coming."

We all marched to the back of the bus to gather our stuff.

I stuffed some clothes into my backpack and Benji leaned into me.

"Guess you're getting your wish Jess."
"What's that?"
"We're staying at a hotel!"
***
A "Hotel", was pushing it. A "Motel" was pushing it. I wasn't one to complain about something like where I was staying, but this was the skuzziest middle of nowhere truck stop in the history of skuzzy truck stops. I looked like you could catch whatever the building had. I swear one side of it looked like it was gonna fall in.

"Was the palace booked?" Paul asked slinging two bags over his shoulder.
"It can't be that bad." Billy said optimistically. Oh it was.
"We've stayed in worse," Joel added.
"We have? But Joel we're privileged youth who grew up on the right side of the tracks." Benji joked.

Joel rolled his eyes.

"Joel," Benji looked at him seriously, "I'm scared."

Steve came out of the office, holding up 4 sets of keys.

"Pair off." He said, and took a pair for himself. "Whoever's left gets to sleep with me."

"Dude, I told you before we do not swing that way." Benji looked at Steve seriously.

I mentally tabulated it in my head. Benji would almost certainly bunk with Joel. Paul and Lilly of course. I had Billy or Chris, or they'd bunk together and leave me with the boss.

"I pick, Jess!" Benji shouted.

I smacked my forehead, when Steve stared at Benji and then at me.

Paul fingered his chin as he eyed the rest. "Hmm…"

"I pick Paul," Lilly made a face at him.
"No fair only band members get to choose."
"I'll stay with Boss." Chris raised his hand.
"Great," Benji grinned. "Joel you're with Billy, Chris is with Steve, Lilly and Paul, and your with me little one. C'mon."

Benji snatched a pair of keys from Steve and headed up towards the rooms.

"Uh, no. Here, I'll stay with Billy. Joel you can stay with Benj."
"Jess c'mon."
"Look I don't care, can we just work it out, I wanna get back to sleep." Billy moaned.
"Rock paper scissors." I announced.
"You and me," Benji said, "I win you stay with me, you win I get the snore-r"

He motioned to Joel.

"Hey"
"Go"

We shook out fists. I got rock, Benji had paper.

"Damnit, 2 outta 3."

Again. I chose paper, Benji had scissors.

"3 outta 5?"
"You lost, deal with it." Joel took the last pair of keys and headed into the room with Billy.
"You're stuck with me babe," Benji grinned.
"Unfortunately," I sighed and snatched the keys from him.
***
"You think they got anything vegan in that diner?"

I rolled over and groaned. Not only did this place not come equipped with 2 beds, it came with one rather small one.

"I doubt it Benj."
"I'm really hungry." His stomach made a gurgling noise. "Damn it Joel, why did he eat my food?"
"What's your's is his" I reminded him.

Even in the darkness I could see him make a face.

"You wanna go over there anyways?" he asked. "I could always eat salad."
"Benji, it's 3 in the morning!" I laid on my back. "Are they even open anymore?"
"It's 2:35, barely," he looked at his indiglo watch, "AND, it's a truck stop Jessa, for truckers driving at all hours…"
"Oh right."
"C'mon," Benji grasped my hand under the covers.
"Bennnnj!" I groaned as he tried to drag my limp body out of the bed.
"Please Jessa?"

I could see his features outlined with moonlight. He was pouting.

"Fine!" I threw the covers aside and shivered in the cold air.

Benji didn't turn on the lights. He sat on the edge of the bed and tied up the laces of his chucks. I wrapped his hoodie around me and put on my own shoes. I shivered again. He stood in front of me.

"Ready?"

I slipped my phone into my pocket and nodded.

"Don't you ever leave that thing?"

I shook my head and blew my hot breath onto my hands.

"You're really cold huh?"

I rubbed my hands together and nodded. Benji glanced around the dark room.

"Here. You should be a little bit warmer in that." he slipped his hat on my head. "Now you're a real trucker."
"Ha ha." I hugged myself.

Benji led the way out the door. It was fucking freezing walking from the room to the diner, but the diner was ten times warmer than the room had been. I shook my cold body once we'd stepped inside.

"Better?"
"Much," I answered. "I'm used to 60 degree January's. Sun, Surf, So Cal baby!"

Benji laughed.

We sat at a booth near the back windows overlooking the gorgeous interstate. A plump little woman with wiry blue-white hair smiled at us and handed us menus. She took a pencil out from behind her ear and tapped it on her little white pad.

"You two want coffee?"
"Do you have hot cocoa?"
"We have hot chocolate."
"Two of those then," Benji grinned at her and then smirked at me, "With whipped cream."

The woman widened her eyes.

"My, my those must have hurt," she mentioned, speaking of Benji's 4 piercings surrounding his mouth. "Not really," Benji lied. "Besides they look cool, right?"

The woman just stood there, looking shocked.

"Were gonna need a few minutes to work on these…" Benji squinted at her name tag,
"Trudy."
"Ok"

She bustled off to get the hot chocolate. I laughed at Benji.

"What?"
"Nothing." He was so cute.
"C'mon Jess…what?"
"Nothing, you're just really cute is all."
"Aww…you're really cute too, Jess! You know…"

Suddenly my phone rang. What the fuck?

"The famous Jess never gets a rest!"
"Shut up"

I looked at the number, UNKNOWN.

"Hello?"
"Jessa!"
"Hello? Who is this?"

Part 5
"It's Dylan."
"What the fuck? You can't be calling me."
"Don't hang up, Jessa" he pleaded, "Don't hang up."
"It's 3 in the morning, d—" I stared at Benji, "3 in the morning." I repeated.
"You're awake aren't you." I heard him smile
"What do you want?" Benji just stared at me.
"I've been thinking about you a lot lately."
"And…"

It was weird talking to Dylan when Benji was right across from me. Staring, probing me for information.

"Look, Jess, I missed you. I know that sounds stuid, but I do. You have no idea how my life has fallen to pieces without you."
"Funny, mine's great." What was a lie between ex's?
"Jessa."

I couldn't talk with Benji staring at me. I stood up and walked outside into the freezing air. I had to admit, Benj's hat was warmer. Why was I still talking to him? Why didn't I hang up? Seeing Benji through the window, sitting glumly by himself made me wish I had. Made me wish I could just toss my phone into the snow and forget about it.

"Jessa"
"WHAT? What do you want me say? 'oh, you missed me, ok, let's get back together' It's been over a year. It's too late Dylan."
"Jessa?"
"No, Dylan, you broke my heart. And it took a long time, but I healed and I'm doing so much better without you."
"But Jessa. I just…"
"You just what?"
"I just wanna talk with you again. Just laugh with you and do stupid shit."
"What happened Dylan, did you flunk outta med school?"
"Please Jessa?"
"Do you know how pathetic you sound?"

I paused, my breath making little clouds in the air.

"Dylan, I moved on. I suggest you do too."
"Jessa are you with somebody new? If you are tell me you love him and I'll stop I swear" I peeked in on Benji, he looked like a stood up teenager. "But if your not, Jessa, please give me a chance. Another chance. I know I don't deserve one, but please, Jess."

I just stared at Benji, with my broken heart. I did love Benji, but he was never going to return my love. Ever. A tear trickled down my cheek and it felt frozen.

"Jess?"
"I'll talk to you another time."

I hung up and went back inside, making sure I wiped my tears, so Benji wouldn’t see. I smiled at him as I sat down.

"Hey. I ordered for you. Pancakes, scrambled eggs, and ham, I know you hate bacon."

He didn't ask who was on the phone, but he wanted to know.

"It was Dylan." I answered the unasked question.
"What? Dylan, your ex, Dylan?"

I nodded.

"Why? What'd he call for?"
"He…He's been calling." I admitted.
"Has he?" Benji sounded like he was trying to be the bigger person about this.

I nodded.

"He called that night we…He called that night you told me." I said quietly.

Benji's face twisted up.

"Is that why you said it? Is that why you 'needed' me, 'wanted' me?"
"Jesus Christ Benji, no! He made me upset though Benj. And I DID need you. I needed you so much. And then you got on the phone to see if I had driven home ok? And that was it, I knew…"
"Don't." Benji silently pleaded.
"I knew that I loved you." I reached my hands across the table to touch his.

He pulled back slightly. Trudy returned with a tray and she set down two plates and a tiny pitcher of syrup, putting a barrier between us. I just looked at Benji, he had his head down.

"Is there anything else?"
"No, thank you," I barely took my eyes off of Benji.

Trudy left, but my eyes didn't leave Benji.

"Let's not talk about this." He said quietly and reached up to begin eating.

Didn't he know much it hurt when he did that?
***
Benji switched the light on as we came back into the room. He still hadn't spoken to me. He tossed his shoes off his feet and threw his jacket into the dingy chair in the corner. He sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his tired eyes. Quietly I took off my own shoes and Benji's sweatshirt.

"Benj?"
"What?" he looked at me.
"You're not upset are you?"

He shook his head.

"We need to get some sleep." Benji flicked off the light and laid down.

I stood there in the darkness a minute and finally crawled in next to him. I could hear him sigh and I knew his eyes were still wide open.

"Benj?"
"Yeah," I felt him shift.
"Goodnight." I leaned over and kissed his cheek.
"Goodnight, Jessa."

He leaned over and did the same thing. Lingering a bit, knowing he wanted to kiss my lips. He didn't and he rolled back to his side.

We laid in the awkward darkness and I felt like one of us should be saying something, but I couldn't think of anything to say, except…

"Nasty business, this bus breaking down huh?"
Benji laughed. "You dork."

I smiled. Suddenly we heard banging and the creak of a bed in a rhythmic pattern, followed by a series of moans and groans. Lilly and Paul were next door and we could hear them through the paper thin walls.

We both burst out laughing. Benji banged on the wall with his fist.

"Keep it down in there, some people are trying to have sex!" he screamed.
"Fuck you!" I heard Paul.
"You pervert, Benji!" that was Lilly.
"They're both perverts." Paul said louly enough for us to hear.

Benji and I laughed.

Part 6
I groaned and rolled over and I was staring at the most beautiful face in the world. A sleeping angel, who still smelled like pancakes. She slept soundly with a full belly. Lying here with her with her eyes closed she was my Jessa. I wished she didn't ever have to open her eyes and not be mine.

I wish we could lie here keeping each other warm, forever. She'd always just be my beautiful Jessa. I kissed her on the lips softly, hoping I wouldn't wake her.

Too late.

She opened her big brown eyes and smiled.

"Morning Benj."
"Morning." I rolled over to avoid her gaze and sat up against the headboard.

To my surprise, she cuddled next to me and laid her head on my chest. She ran the edge of my shirt through her fingers underneath the covers and slipped her hand beneath my shirt gliding her hands over my stomach. She leaned up and started kissing my neck. My hair stood on end. I quivered as she played with the trickle of hair that disappeared down my pants.

"Jessa?"
"Do you want me to stop?" she murmured and sucked on my earlobes.

I didn't. I said nothing and she continued. She fiddled with the fly of my pants. It had 5 buttons.

1 button, *pop*, came undone and my body tensed up.
2 buttons…
3 buttons…

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK

"Get up you guys, Steve says the bus is running again, we're leaving in 10 minutes." Joel shouted through the door.

Like I had the plague, Jessa, jumped back. She gathered her things and ducked into the bathroom. I sighed and swung my legs over the side of the bed. I buttoned my pants back up and grabbed my jacket and shoes.

I saw where Jessa had left my hat on top of the old TV with rabbit ears. I left it there for her and went outside to meet up with everybody else.

They all stood in a huddle by the office.

"Do you got your room keys?" Steve asked me. I handed them over.

All 4 sets in hand, Steve went into the office.

"So," Joel leaned into his bag and pulled out those funky skeleton gloves. "You don’t look like you got laid last night."
"Maybe I didn't."
"Then what the fuck was I hearing?"
"Your imagination." I sounded pissed off. I was pissed off, at myself mostly.
"She looks like she's in a good mood." Joel pointed to Jessa.

She was sauntering over, perfect angel in the snow. Her dark hair stood out against the blinding white and her cheeks were red from cold. She was wearing my hat again and it made her look adorable. She picked up her camera and pointed it at us.

"Say something cute everybody!" she grinned.

They all began yelling
***
"My ass is freezing." Joel shook his ass at the camera
"My head is cold." Who else?
"I got lucky!" Lilly made rock hands.
"I miss my girlfriend" Paul sighed.
"Stupid!" Lilly rolled her eyes.
"My other girlfriend." Paul retorted quickly.

Lilly picked up a snow ball and hurtled it at Paul.

"Oww, my other girlfriend doesn't hurt me"
"Your other girlfriend is me…the less evil version."
"The Virgin version?"

Lilly made a face.

"There's a virginal version of Lilly?" Billy raised his eyebrows.
"Oh, it's on now goth boy…" Lilly picked up another ball of snow and chased Billy around the parking lot.

"That's quite enough fun and games," Steve called. "Everybody in the cars."

"You're simply TOO much fun, you know that Steve!" Lilly rolled her eyes.

I followed Benji to the blue Acura. Lilly and Paul were already getting in the driver and passenger's seats.

"Jessa," Joel called from up ahead at the black Honda. He came to us at a jog. He leaned over and put his hands on his knees to catch his breath and threw his bag in the back seat.

"Steve wants you in the other car."
"What? Why?"

Joel shook his head. "Dunno, he just told me to switch you places."

I was aggravated, suddenly it was like Steve was deliberately trying to tear us apart. I slung my backpack over my shoulder sulkily and got into the passengers seat of the Honda. Steve had the audacity to smile at me. I crossed my arms and tried to perfect Benji's perfect punk rock pout.
***
"Benji, what is going on with you two?" I was getting really concerned about this whole thing.
"Do we have to have this conversation?" Benji rolled his eyes.
"Benj!"
"What, Joel? We know where we stand."
"Yeah, you told me that before."
"And I also told you to shut about it. It's between me and Jess, alright?"
"Between you and Jess or between you and Georgie?"
"Shut the fuck up Joel!"

"Can I butt in here?" Lilly peered her mousy face over her seat.
"No, but you will." Benji sneered.
"Benji, Jessa really loves you and her putting up with all the shit you're putting her through proves it, big time!" Lilly's eyebrows raised higher than I’d ever seen anybody's go. "You obviously love her too."
"Obviously, why obviously?"
"Because," I stepped in. "You mope, you're moody…face it bro, you're in love with her and everybody knows it except you."
"Look we all know what you went through with Georgie…"

Benji winced at the name.

"But this is not the same situation and besides, even if it was, who are you to stop it? it's love, love will always find a way." Lilly paused and looked at Paul. It's funny how sometimes you can advise yourself.

"Benj, you just have to go for it with Jess…I mean really, you don’t have anything to lose."
"I have EVERYTHING to lose, Joel!"
"Look even the way everything happened before, aren't you the better for it?"
"The better? The BETTER? Do I look better from what happened? I can't tell Jess how much I love her and how much I wanna be with her because of it."
"You can’t tell her because of yourself." Paul suddenly spoke up. "It has nothing to do with Georgie or Jess or babies…"

Babies, what the hell was he saying? Lilly stared at him.

"Or anything but your own pussy feelings that if you put it all out there, you can’t take it back and you could get hurt, but that's the price Benji. You wrote it, nothing's for free."

Paul glanced at Lilly and Lilly continued staring at Paul, this conversation was beyond Jessa and Benji anymore.

"Lil?"
"What?" Lilly's words were oddly choked.
"You know I love you right?"

Words had failed Lilly, THAT my friends, is a first. She only nodded.

"Lilly, would you make me the happiest man alive?"
"I don't know if my body can handle that much sex." Lilly deadpanned.

Paul turned to her with a little smirk. He caught the tear that dripped down her chin with his thumb and sucked it.

"How'd you like to be Mrs. Thomas?"

Lilly shut her eyes tight and shook her head, tears flying in all directions. This is just like a movie!

"Just ask me." she barely whispered.
"Will you marry me?"
"Yes you dork!"

She unbuckled her seat belt and flew out of her seat in one motion and wrapped her arms around Paul.

"I Love you! I love you I love you I love you!" she squeezed him. "Watch it, woman, you're going to kill us all!" Benji shrieked, he was grinning wide.

Benji was touched by their display of emotion and I could tell, he was such a romantic at heart. I knew this whole thing with Jessa was eating him up inside, but he knew Paul was right. He was standing in his own way. I silently prayed Benji would get over himself and just do the right thing. Jessa wasn't going to wait forever.
***
The worst part about being in the car with Steve was not that I wasn't with Benji it was that I really wanted to talk with Billy and Chris, but I felt like a cheater conspiring before the test in front of the teacher. So I was glad when we pulled up to the bus and I was finally able to breath again. Steve had begun to make me feel really creepy.

The first thing I felt when I stepped out of the car was Lilly's tiny arms around my waist as she plowed into me. The first thing I heard was…

"We're getting married! Jesus Christ thank the Lord were getting married!" Lilly dropped her knees onto the icy ground and squeezed her hands together.
"What?!"

I looked at Paul, leaning up against the Acura, and he grinned.

"He did it, Jess! He finally stopped being a pussy and he did it!"
"Oh, Lil!" I hugged her as she got off her knees.

I ran over to Paul. He just grinned at me.

"C'mere" I pulled him into a big bear hug and kissed his cheek. "Sweetie!"
"Get yer dirty filmmakin' mitts offa my fi-ansy!" Lilly sneered before grinning the same way Paul was.

Stupid with happy. I looked over at Benji, he was grinning.