Part 1
"Jessa are you gonna finish that?" Billy asked me referring to the slice of pizza sitting in front of me.

I let him have it. He grinned and munched. It had to be his 5th slice. Hmm, growing boy?

"So, what's up? Are you coming with us?" Paul sipped on his coke.

I shook my head. "I dunno. Your label reps haven't gotten back to me. I hope I do. I mean, it'd be fun."

Lilly laughed, "Fun?! Obviously you have never spent 4 months on a bus with smelly boys playing video games all day."
"I'm a smelly boy?" Paul looked at his tiny girlfriend.
She pinched his cheeks, "Only good smells."

Paul beamed. I laughed. Our conversation was interrupted by a phone with ringtones to the tune of a Green Day song. It was Paul's phone.

"Hello."
"Is that 'Basketcase'?"

Paul nodded and held up his hand to say 'give me a minute'. He listened intently to the person on the other end.

"Hey, man, what's up?"

"Yeah, I'm just sitting her having pizza with some friends…what? Billy, Lilly and Jessa…no way you know Jess?"

Paul covered the receiver with his hand and leaned over to me. "You know, Chad?"
"Gilbert? Uh huh. Is he on the phone?"

Paul nodded again. "Yeah, she says you’re a dick man!"
"Paul! I didn't say that! Give me that phone."
"He wants to talk to you anyways."

He threw the phone across the table. I put the phone to my ear it sounded fuzzy and far away.

"Are you on the road?"
"Is that how you greet your oldest and dearest friend." Chad said.
"Oh, I mean, hey, baby what's up?"
"Ooh, I'm gonna tell Benji!" Paul threatened.

I covered the receiver.

"Tell Benji what?"
"That your flirtin' with other guys."
"Why would Benji care?"
"Oh c'mon you know how it is between you and him." Billy pointed out and picked at the olives on Paul's pizza.
"Dude, if you want my pizza just ask." Paul told Billy.

I rolled my eyes. It'd been 5 months since I'd first met Benji. He was an amazing guy. And I'd spent a lot of time with him, but we were strictly platonic. This situation worked for us. After we'd met things went really fast, too fast. The truth was both of felt something, but it wasn't in our hearts just our groins and we stopped ourselves before somebody ended up hurt. Or pregnant.

"So what's up?"
"Not much, just on the road, chillin' out. man, we haven't talked in a long time."
"Yeah. Well I'm sure you had tons to say to Paul."
"Not really, I'm just bored. How've you been?"
"Good."
"Really?"
"No, I'm lying to you Chad." I said sarcastically.
"I think I missed you."
"Well that's nice."

Chad laughed. I fondly remembered a few good times and few too many drinks a few too many nights.

"You could have just picked up the phone."
"Shit, you mean you have the same phone number?"
"Well yeah."
"Well then maybe I will call you."
"Well maybe I will pick up the phone once and a while."

He laughed again. I was really good to hear his voice.

"Alright, I'll call you later."
"You'd better."
"What will you do to me if I don't?"
"You'll find out later, bad boy."
"Ooh, I like the sound of that." Chad laughed, "Bye Jess, give the phone back to Paul."
"Bye, Chad."

I handed the phone over to Paul.

"Hey man," Paul said into the receiver and continued talking with Chad.

Lilly leaned over to me.

"So, how do you know Chad?"
"Old friend."

Lilly raised her eyebrow, "Friend?"
"Yeah, what do you think?"

Lilly just looked at me.

"What? You think I dated Chad?" it was laughable. "My ex was friends with him. Believe me we were friends, if that."
"Yeah, I believe you."
"Lilly!"
"I do, I believe in you 110%!"
"You'd better."

Billy snorted. Lilly and I glared at him.

"What?" we said at the same time.
"Nothing."

"K, later." Paul hung up the phone with a tiny beep.

"So, who was you're ex?" Paul asked obviously overhearing.
"Nobody."
"Well he was friends with New Found Glory."
"So. He was just a random musician slash med student."
"You went out with a doctor who played?" Lilly said dreamily.
"As opposed to a bass player?" Paul said defensively.
"Oh stop."
"He wasn't a doctor, Dylan was a med student."
"Yes, yes, HUGE difference there." Paul rolled his eyes.

I sighed.

"I don't like talking about him. He's not worth talking about anymore."
"Fair enough." Lilly nodded, she looked hard at Billy and Paul as if to say 'Don't either of you say a fucking word'.

One thing I'd learned about Lilly in the 5 months I'd known her was that she was tiny and seemingly fragile, but she was not in the slightest. She was a pistol, dangerous when fired. But she was super supportive of her friends, especially of Paul, and had your back the whole way. True blue, to the end. We'd gotten to be pretty good friends seeing as I was close to Benji and she was Paul's girlfriend.

Good Charlotte'd been on the road a lot and she was home all alone. We'd hang out all the time and rent movies or go to the beach. Lilly thought the beach was the coolest place on earth, she tripped out when she found out you could go in October. Not only this but Lilly was a comedy writer and amateur photographer. We got along great.

"I wanna go home you guys I gotta call Carly." Billy looked at his watch.
"Dude, how do you do this to yourself?"
"Do what?"
"Get up at god awful hours just to talk to some chick in another country for a few minutes."
"She's my girlfriend, Paul."
"So."
"SO?" Lilly rounded on Paul. "So you wouldn't be with me if I were from, like, Iceland?"
"Babe, if you were from Iceland I wouldn't even know you. I've never been to Iceland."

Lilly pouted. "Well what if I had to move to Iceland for work."
"Why would a writer move to Iceland?"
"It's cold and dark half the year, makes it easier to be a sad suffering soul with a drinking problem." I nodded seriously.
"Well, say I had to move to the burgeoning comedy scene of Iceland."
"Then goodbye Good Charlotte, hello Nordic wasteland. Can we live in an igloo?"
"Only the biggest ranch-style igloo in all of Reykjavik!"
"Where's that?" Billy looked confused.
"ICELAND!" Lilly and I screamed.

Lilly and Paul smiled at each other.

"You guys are so cute." I grinned then deadpanned. "You make me sick."
"Makes me sick too, I'm going home now to call my GIRLFRIEND."

We left a tip on the table and walked out of DaVinci's Pizza together.

"Quit giving Billy a hard time about Carly. I think it's really sweet that you call her everyday." I smiled.

Billy grinned. "Thank you, Jessa, at least someone sees it."

I grinned at Billy he was such a sweet guy. He'd somehow managed to keep up a long distance relationship with Carly Matlin, a 24-year-old native Australian who, you guessed it, still lived in Australia, despite the near yearlong relationship with Billy. Any man who can for-go sex for that long was a winner in my book.

Look at me and Benji. Thinking about that night 5 months ago, still made my heart skip a beat. I can't pretend I didn't think about what we'd almost done barely 24 full hours of acquaintance. And think about it often. Things could be so different right now. For better or for worse. I could be living with Benji or, God, be Mrs. Madden. I shook my head, why did that have to plague my mind so much?

"What are you doing?" Paul looked astonished at Lilly.
"I gotta go with Jess."
"What no? Jess can take Billy and we can go home, together."
"I already made plans with Jess, we gotta meet her sister and Renee."
"Lilly!?"

Lilly just stared at Paul. Neither of them said a word, but it must have spoke volumes in lillypaulese because Paul motioned for Billy to get in the car and Lilly buckled herself into my jetta.

We waved to the boys before going left out of the parking lot while they went right.

"You know you could have went and spent the night with Paul."
"He'll get over it. He always does."

I gotta admit I was a little jealous every time I watched Paul and Lilly. They were like an old married couple sometimes. Just bickering about nothing to pass the time I guess, kill the boredom. They'd been together so long there was no hiding. It was completely open, no barriers existed and I wanted that so badly. I'd thought I near had that once, with Dylan, but that was over now and had been for a long time.

I'd felt so lonely sometimes. Seeing Renee with her constant stream of lovers and fillers, not that that would ever satisfy me. Now seeing Paul and Lilly with the way their lives are not separate just fused to each other in ways you couldn't explain. Billy and Carly, believing in something throughout distance and time and actually making it work. Where do people get faith like that from? Grace of God I suppose.

And I guess whatever there was with Benji had stemmed from this constant loneliness. I wanted so much to feel that connection to someone. So much to feel that pull in your stomach that makes you feel tingly and special. Had I made it happen in my mind. Making myself feel something more than lust for Benji. I wanted to feel real, so it felt that way and we took it as far as we could before I realized I could be making the biggest mistake of my life.

You can't go around sleeping with whoever makes you quiver. With whoever makes you not feel lonely for a few minutes. Still wasn't there something in Benji's eyes when he looked at me? Wasn't there an comfortable ease when his voice came over the phone…

"What on earth are you thinking about?"
"What?" suddenly I realized Lilly was sitting next to me, I was in the car.

"Space cadet, get your mind on the road, get your mind on girls night, get off the mental mechanical bull ride that is Benji."
"I wasn't…"
"Yes you were. I can tell."

I sometimes truly believe Lilly Cantore is a psychic.

Part 2

I threw my favorite mix CD in the player and put my headphones on. Renee, not to mention my sister, would kill me if I'd woken them up another night in a row. I was drunk. I could feel that iron grip of alcohol making my head spin, making all my thoughts and fears illuminated by 3,000. Whenever I feel like this all I wanna do is listen to 'Benji's Song'. Over and over until things started not to sound so bad, until things sounded ok. Benji's reassuring song of hope always brought that about, especially when Benji was on tour and not so reachable.

He'd been back for 3 days and I hadn't bothered to call him because the last time we talked he was in Phoenix and he had said something to me that made my body limp and my insides hot.

"You're always on my mind and in my heart, Jess, even when I don't want you to be."

It was the most romantic thing I'd heard out of someone who wasn't obligated to spout little lovers lies and it made me believe that it wasn't a lie. That Benji was being completely honest with me. That he'd let a little of the 'were just friends' façade wipe away and all that was left was true real feelings.

God, I hated him.

No wait did I mean that or is it the booze? Why is he doing this to me? Why can't he just say it? Just once I'd like him to just say the words I know he's thinking.

Suddenly my phone vibrated against my hip, I'd been back from girls night out for mere minutes and I was getting a call. I sighed and picked up the phone.

Benji!!

The screen read. I sighed again. I pushed my headphones off my ears and pressed answer.

"What's up biatch?"
"Hey there's my girl."

Why did he have to say that?

"Where have you been?"
"Out."
"What's up with you?"
"I gotta a lot of things on my mind."
"Wanna talk about it?"
"No, not really, no."
"C'mon Jess what's the matter? Talk to me."
"I don't want to. I'm tired Benji. I need to sleep."

Before he could answer back I hung up. I shook my head. What's the matter with me? Benji says a few well timed words, Billy and Paul and Lilly all make comments and suddenly I'm worried about me and Benj and if this is something more than the friendship we signed up for. I'm hanging up on my best friend because he might be in love with me, why does that make any sense?

I held my phone up, about to call him back, when the phone rang again.

Benji!!

"I'm sorry."
"What's the matter?"
"Nothing…it's…"
"Jessa. Why won't you talk to me?"
"In Phoenix…when you talked to me…"
"Yeah…"
"Why did you? What did you…"

I realized I didn't know what my question was. Like magic Benji knew.

"I just said what I said cause, cause I really care about you…as a friend…"

Benji kept talking and it was the same old speech we rambled on to other people about our relationship sometimes rambled to each other to ease sexual tension and because we were afraid. Of what I don't know but we were terrified of each other and what it meant if we let our guards down and did something about these feelings.

Sometimes, nights when I would stay at Benji's watching movie after movie, I thought that maybe we should just sleep with each another. Just to get it out of our systems and out of the way. It was like a huge elephant in the room every time we were together or on the phone. Since that second night and all that never was it's put a strain on the friendship, put something in the air unresolved. Made us uncomfortable at times.

We had grown closer of course and we were the best of friends, but still every once and a while I wanted to jump him and just huff and puff until the empty feeling went away.

"Jess?"
"What?"
"Do you wanna come over?"
"Right now?"
"I'm bored" code: horny
"I'm drunk" code: easy
"Oh, well, maybe I should just go over there." Code: desperate
"No, everybody's asleep over here, we had a long night." code: put the mouse back in the house, Benj!
"Oh yeah girl's night out huh?"
"How'd ya know?"
"Paul called up bitching. 'Lilly's not here, blah blah blah' those two are joined at the hip huh?"
"People could say the same about us."

Benji laughed. I moved over to my bed and got comfortable.

"We are pretty close."
"Yeah…"

I paused for the first time in along time Benji and I had nothing to talk about. Damn this sexual tension shit.

"Hey about the tour!" I perked up.
"Yeah?"
"Have you heard anything?"
"Like?"
"Like if your label thinks it's a horrible idea and they don't wanna pay my way across the country."
"Don't worry about it. we hired you."
"YOU hired me and made the other guys go along."
"Well, okay, but what was supposed to say, 'hey guys can my best friend come with us on tour?' The label'd really have a fit over that one."
"So, directing a documentary on you was just a cover? I'm just your boredom killer."

I laughed. Benji laughed back.

"No, c'mon, we need somebody to capture all the moments on tour. We've lied like this before. Lilly came on the tour before last as "tour photographer," I don't think the label understood that she was also Paul's girlfriend. I think you'll be fine."
"Yeah?"
"Of course. Just think you'll be on tour with the greatest band ever."
"I'm going on tour with the Beatles!"
"Ha ha, very funny."
"It will be fun. Watching you play every night…"
"Sleeping in my bunk…"
"Boy, check yourself."
"Hey, you never know we'll be together everyday."
"Than why would that make me want to sleep with you? I'll be so sick of you I'll probably shtup a roadie."
"No way, no friend of mine will make it with a roadie. At least go for the opening act, go for a drummer like you."
"Don't say that."
"Say what?"
"I'm a not a drummer Benj, I can play the drums."
"You're a drummer!" Benji repeated.
"Whatever, I'm not even good."
"Naw, don't tell Chris I said this but he ain't got nothing on you."
"Benji?"
"Yeah?"
"Shut up."
"Okay. Jess?"
"Huh?"
"I missed you."
"We just talked 4 days ago."
"So, I haven't seen you. Why don’t you come over…tomorrow."
"Yeah, sure I ain't got nothing to do on a Thursday."
"Good."
"So I'll see you tomorrow."
"Can't wait."
"Me neither."

I think I was beginning to feel "bored" too. I wished Benji was right in front of me. I wished he was touching me, kissing me.

"Benj."
"What?"

I suddenly got scared. Could I possibly tell Benji how much I wanted him, right now? Could I say the words that would make him jump in the car and meet at the front door, pants around his ankles. I know he would if I asked, but I couldn't.

"Jess?"
"Yeah, what?"
"What were you gonna say?"
"Huh? I missed you too, Benj."

I could almost see Benji smiling on the other end.

"Goodnight Jess."
"'Night Benj. Sleep tight.
"Dream about me."
"Haha. Goodnight Benji."

There was a click and then the long beep of a phone off the hook.

I put my phone aside and curled up in bed. I closed my eyes and thought about Benji. We were friends now, we would be friends tomorrow and everything would be ok.
***
I bit my lip to keep from screaming any louder. But it felt so good, I couldn't help myself.

"Benji." I moaned. "oh, Benj."

We were a tangle of naked flesh under my pale pink sheets. Benji was on top, thrusting in and out with fluid motion. I put my arms around his neck and closed my eyes. Benji groaned and I felt him release, warm like chicken soup.

He let his body untense and he leaned his head into the notch between my neck and shoulder.

"Mmm," he hummed into my skin and kissed my neck.

He lifted his head to look into my eyes, but instead of Benji's soft brown eyes I was greeted with sparkling blue ones that belonged to Billy.

I must have jumped. Billy put his hands on my face and smiled.

"What's the matter babe?" he asked, gently tugging on my hair.

I just stared at him. He leaned down and kissed me but I didn't stop him. He moved his lips down my neck and I could only lay there puzzled.

How did this happen? How much did I have to drink tonight? I mean, I was able to drive home, I couldn't have been too fucked up. Or did I go to Billy's house. Why? Did I talk to Benji on the phone earlier or was that a dream? Or maybe this was a dream.

Billy had continued on down my breasts and was currently making circles around my nipples with his tongue.

The door to the room swung open with a loud creak and Benji walked in holding something in his arms. He looked at me. His eyes burning a hole in my skull.

"You bitch!" he screamed.

Billy continued kissing down the length of my body. Benji shook his head.

"You bitch. How could you do this? How could you do this to us?"

I then realized Benji was carrying a baby boy in his arms. Was that our baby? What was I doing with Billy then?

I tried to push Billy off of me. Billy only laughed and continued down my stomach. Didn't he see Benji standing there with the baby? Didn't he care?

"Benji!" I reached for him.
"I loved you, Jessa. I loved you." he shook his head.

My heart was breaking. I started sobbing. Billy was positioned between my thighs. Benji held the baby close to his body and turned to walk out of the room.

"Benji, no, please." I sobbed.

Benji disappeared with the child behind the door.

Billy touched me then and it was like fire and electricity in my soul. I wanted to run after Benji and my baby, but I really didn't want Billy to stop.

Billy got up and kissed my lips. I closed my eyes, tears still stinging them.

I opened them again and I was alone, wrapped up in my blood red comforter. Birds sung and dull December sunlight filtered through the window.

"It was all a dream?" I asked outloud.

I reached for my cell phone on my bedside table.

10:43am, it said.

I'd left it on all night again, damn it. I clicked back through the calls I'd received.

Benji!!
Benji!!
Home

It was all as it should be. That much of last night was true. Sex with Billy, Benji and our baby, was all just a work of fiction, of a alcohol infused imagination. And thank God it was. It was a little scary.

I shook my head and got out of bed. My CD player was still on pause. I shut it off and went into the bathroom. Just as I went to sit on the toilet, the phone rang. I waited. It rang again. I guess Renee and Adriana weren't awake. I ran out, ignoring my throbbing bladder.

Just walking across the apartment made all the alcohol I'd consumed last night all too apparent. My head hurt like a son of a bitch. Grabbing my left temple and rubbing it. I picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

Part 3
"Have you told her how you feel?" Joel asked Benji as they cleaned up Benji's kitchen Thursday afternoon.
"She knows how I feel." Benji said feeding Cash scraps off his plate.
"Does she?"
"She hasn't been going out with all these guys has she."
"Well no she wouldn't would she, I mean, she's not the most outgoing girl. She clams up around unfamiliar people. I've seen her."
"It's not like there isn't interest though, look at her."
"Why don't you LOOK at her? You obviously…"
"It works for us alright?"
"What works?"
"The way it is, friends."
"You know it doesn't. You have to admit if she came to you and said, 'oh, Benj, I met this great guy, blah, blah, blah.' You'd be pissed off and jealous."
"I don't wanna talk about this."
"You said it yourself, 'look at her.'…"
"Joel!"
"…sooner or later somebody will. If you don't do something…"
"Joel!"
"…she'll disappear…"
"JOEL!"
"She might know how you feel but she won't wait for your sorry ass forever."
"Joel, shut up! What's with all this concern about me and Jessa anyways?"

Joel sighed.

"You've been lonely for a long time, Benji. You're unhappy. I see you when you're around her, you're all lit up. I'd just like to see you happy for a change."
"Well I'm glad your concerned Joel, but I'm fine."
"You know you're not. I mean you've never even had a serious relationship, except…"
"Don't say her name."
"See you're still angry about it. That was over 2 years ago, Benj. Does Jessa even know about…"

He almost said her name again, but Benji gave him a hard look.

"…about that?"
"Yeah, of course she does."

Joel didn't think so. He continued to look concerned for Benji.

"When did you turn into Dr. Phil?"

Suddenly Cash made a small grunt and bounded towards the front door.

"Hey, anybody home?" Jessa's voice rang through the house. "Hi Cash."

You could hear her playing with Cash all the way into the kitchen.

"We'll talk about this later."
"No. We won't." Benji turned to Jessa and smiled.

He picked her up and spun her around the room. "Hi you!"

Joel sighed. Benji set Jessa back down and she giggled. Jessa went over to Joel and gave him a big hug.

"Hey Joelio!"
"Hey Jess."

Jessa picked at the open bag of chips next to Joel on the counter. Joel continued to stare at Benji. Jessa picked up on the tension in twin land.

"Talk about what later?" Jessa asked and popped a potato chip into her mouth.
"Nothing." Joel said.
"No, why not? Joel thinks that we should be together because I'm unhappy and you could make me happy and we'll get hitched and have 4 kids and cash and live all 'ob-la-di ob-la-da' happily ever after."

Jessa smiled. "Don't trip potato chip!"

Jess stuck a chip in Joel's mouth.

"Benji is fine."
"I know he's fine"
"Then shut up" Benji spat, he looked like he was about to hit Joel.

"On happier notes," Jessa stepped between them. "Guess who called this morning?"
"The pope?" Benji deadpanned.
"Yes, but he calls every Thursday, you know goes through the whole, 'Jessa, I don't know if I can be pope anymore.' I'll tell him he's trippin', he's the best pope ever and that he's God's favorite. Then we play 'you hang up first'."

Joel laughed at her random story. "So who called this morning?"
"After the pope, you mean?"
"Yes, after old JP."

Jessa mocked a deep male tone, "'This is Peter Harmon at Sony Pictures…'"
"No way Jess, what happened?"

Benji was quiet.

"I have a meeting with some producer dude. If all goes well I could be looking at a sweet 2 picture deal."
"Wow, that's really wonderful, Jess," Joel smiled and gave her a big hug.

Benji leaned sullenly on the counter.

"You're not happy Benji?" Jessa asked, voice tinged with disappointment and hurt.
"So, you’re not coming with us?"
"I dunno, depends on a lot of things."
"But if the schedules conflict?"

Part 4
"I'm making my movie." I held firm.

Benji tutted.

"Don't you 'tuh' me. Look you don't own me Benj. You're not even paying me."
"So you'd pick money over your friends? You sellout."
"Fuck you! Don't you call me a fucking sellout, Mr. MTV, Mr. All Things Rock, Mr. Give-me-$5-and-I'll-give-you-a-kiss."
"Why are you acting like such a bitch?"
"Why are you acting like such a prick? I thought you'd be happy for me. I mean, you're all about dreams come true and you're always telling me how talented I am and now that I might get a break, I'm a sellout and you wanna keep me for yourself."

"Ok, ok, stop it now." Joel stepped between the two of us.
"No, fuck her," Benji crossed his arms and turned his back.

Joel was surprised at Benji's childish behavior.

"If Jess wants to make a movie, we can’t hold her back from that." Joel stared at Benji.
"Whatever."
"Benji you believe in Jess more than any of us. How's she ever gonna be the first woman to get the best director Oscar if she doesn't make a couple of movies?"

I beamed. I looked over at Benji sympathetically.

"Hey, c'mon," I touched his shoulder, "We don't even know if I won't be able to make it on tour. I mean I have this meeting. We go through the whole legality of it. Then we have a script review, story boarding, casting. It's a long fucking process and it could be months before we even get a start date."

"Yeah," Benji finally grinned. "I'm sorry."

I shook my head.

"So what's on the…"

My sentence was cut short when Cash bounded off to the front door again and returned with Billy on his heels.

I froze. Visions of my dream, came swimming back to me. Did he know that my subconscience had sex with him? Was he flattered? Was he turned on? Of course he didn't know, that was stupid. Still I wasn't exactly at ease being around him.

"Hey!"
"Hi," I squeaked.

Benji looked at me.

"Are you okay?" Joel asked standing between Billy and myself.
"Yeah, sure"

Benji continued to place me under his probing eye.

"Guess what?" Billy said happily.

Now was the time I usually made a witty remark like, "chicken butt" but words, one of my best friends, had failed me.

"Carly is coming from Australia for a visit," Billy grinned.
"Cool." Was all I could manage.
"When?" Joel asked.
"A week." Billy was in cloud 9.

But who wouldn't be. If your long distance lover was gonna come see you after months and months of blackout, wouldn't you? if you were gonna have sex, wouldn't you be happy?

"How long is she gonna stay?"
"Until after Christmas."
"Are you takin' her home with you, man?" Benji asked, stuffing a handful of chips in his mouth.

Billy nodded. Benji had reminded me. The whole of Good Charlotte, sans Chris (who was going to Colorado) and plus Lilly and now Carly, were getting on a DC bound plane December 21 and wouldn't return. The tour started January 9th in Philadelphia. I was to fly out to DC to meet the guys January 7th. It seemed so soon.

"What's up with everybody today?"
"I’m supposed to go shopping with James," Joel looked at his watch, "Fuck. She is gonna be so pissed."
"Dude, why do you keep buying her shit?"
"Benji, if Joel wants to spend money on Jamie, that's up to him. it's his money to spend…"
"Thank you, Jess." Joel smiled.
"But, you shouldn't buy her things cause you want her to like you, because then it's just prostitution."
"What?" Joel's smile faded.
"You buy her things she wants so she'll keep liking you and have sex with you. It's just like prostitution. You sugar daddy, you." Benji explained.

Billy laughed. Joel made a face.

"Jamie is a sweet girl though, Joel. I really like her."
"You only met her once," Benji spat.
"So, you can tell a lot about a person from one meeting. Look at you and me."

Benji made a face this time.

"I gotta get going," Joel glanced at his watch again. "Later."

Joel headed out the door, Cash followed him, he was like an escort or something.

"What about you Bill?" Benji asked finally closing up the bag of chips we'd more than half devoured.

Billy shrugged, "Dunno came over here to see what you were up to?"
"I was gonna hang out with Jess."
"Jess?"

Billy looked over at me as if to ask me what I had planned and if it was okay he was there to tagalong.

"Yes?" I was sure I squeaked this time. "Are you okay?" Billy looked at me questioningly.

I held my lips tightly together and nodded my head.

"Um hmm."

Benj and Billy just looked at me. Billy's phone broke the silence.

"Hello?…Hey…what?…ok…Hey, don't yell at me it's not my fault."

Billy looked over at Benji and I.

"'scuse me guys, sorry." He opened one of the French doors.

Cash tried to follow him out.

"No Cash." He ordered and shut the door behind him.

Benji sighed with relief and grinned at me. "Finally, I thought we'd never be rid of him."

"Oh shut up," I rolled my eyes.
"What's up with you?"
"What?"
"You were blushing every time you squeaked out a response to Billy."

He noticed!

"Do you like him or something?"
"Billy!?! No, Jesus, Benji."
"What then?"
"I just…it's nothing, I just…"
"Spit it out!"
"I had a dream last night…"
"Ooh, a dirty dream? Was I in it?"
"Well, not really."
"What do you mean, 'not really'?"

I motioned out back.

"Oh, I see. OH! You had a sex dream about Billy?!?!"

I felt my cheeks getting hot and red. I nodded. I told him the details about how it was him at first and then it turned into Billy. I left out the baby stuff and the "I loved you, Jess". No need to freak him out.

Benji grinned at me.

"What?"
"You're dirty Jess. All that stuff you had him to do you. Where is your head at little one?"
"The same place your's was last night."

Benji grinned perversely, "You could tell huh?"
"'I'm bored'," I mimicked and mimed jerking off with my hand.

Benji played along.

"Jess-a, wh-at are y-y-you wear-ing?" he said between heavy breathing.

We both laughed.

Benji came around to my side of the counter. He just stood next to me and smiled. I blushed. After what seemed like whole SECONDS, Benji leaned over and kissed me. Not the run of the mill 'hey let's make out' kisses, this was so much more. In my mind I told myself to stop, but I knew I wouldn't and that I did want it too.

I grabbed the back of his head and pushed him deeper into our kiss. He put his hands around my back and pushed our bodies close together.

"Mmm," I moaned as we continued.

Suddenly my phone rang vibrating in my pocket. I pulled back from Benj, but he grabbed my neck.

"Let it ring."
"It might be important Benj…"

I tried to free myself from his grasp. Benji sighed angrily and sulked of to the living room.

"Hello?"
"Hey, I'm taking off."
"Billy?"
"Carly's having some problems with her travel plans."
"Oh okay."
"Bye," Billy knocked on the glass and waved.

I waved back, confused.

He walked off and I hung up my phone. Why couldn't he have just come back into the house? Weirdo.

I went into the living room where Benji sat on the gray black couch with his arms crossed across his chest. Cash laid next to him with his head on his paws.

I wanted to laugh, "You're really pouting about this?"
"The phone is more important to you than me."
"That's not true." I sat in his lap and kissed his cheek.
"Where's Billy?" Benji asked kissing my neck.
"He left." "That's good."

Benji leaned and in and again we were kissing. Laying next to us on the couch Cash sighed.

Part 5
"And next thing I know they're making out." Billy said.

He, Paul, Lilly, and Chris were sitting in Paul and Lilly's living room. Everybody'd agreed to meet here for dinner. Good Charlotte had been off the road for less than a week but they all still wanted to hang out together.

"Yeah?" Chris said, his eyebrows perking up.
"We really shouldn't be talking about out friends like this behind their back. It's they're business."

Lilly sipped the purple looking wine from one of the ridiculously expensive blue crystal glasses Benji had given them as a housewarming gift. Lilly thought they looked like the cheap variety you get at 99cent stores and made a point to always use them around Benji and point out that they looked cheap.

"But it's Benji and Jess!" Paul said.
"I don't care if it's Billy and Snuffaluffagus. How would you feel if Joel, Billy and Chris sat around with they girlfriends going 'dude Lilly just slapped Paul's ass','you know he really needs to propose to her.', 'Why are they lying about their feel-lings?'" Lilly put whiny emphasis on the last word.
"No more wine for Lilly," Paul said simply and attempted to pull the (cheap) glass from her hand.

Lilly whimpered like a child and held the wine close to her.

"Mine." She said and stuck her tongue out at Paul. "Those two have got to work it out for themselves."
"What two?" Joel walked in with Jamie, a petite red head, tailing him, but he knew exactly which two.

The two who weren't there yet.

"I saw Benji and Jess makin' out." Billy revealed.
"Really?"

Billy nodded.

"With you there?"
"I was on the phone outside. When I looked back inside they were like this." Billy wrapped his arms around himself and made kissing noises.

"HEY!"

Everyone jumped and looked up to see Jessa standing in the doorway. Benji soon followed swinging Jessa's keys around his finger.

"Would the owner of the 1982 Rabbit Convertible please come to customer service, your lights are on."

"Shit!" Joel ran past Benji, pulling his keys from his pocket at the same time.

Benji chuckled and glanced around the room.

"Hey, Jess, we're fashionably late."
"You, fashionable?"
Benji shrugged, "What'd we miss?"

Joel walked back in and pouted his lips.

"Childish behavior," Lilly emptied her glass down her throat and looked amazed at the blue crystal. She burped.
"Cool, let me catch up."

Benji ran across the room and touched Jessa's arm.

"Tag! You're it!"
Jessa hit him back, "Now you're it!"
"No tag backs," Benji pouted into the empty armchair.

Jessa laughed and shook her head, "Dork."
"Why thank you!"

"Hey, where's Amy?" Jessa looked at Chris.
"Canada."
"What's in Canada?"
"Mounties," Benji answered quickly and added a fake laugh, "Ha, haha."

No one laughed, Jessa smiled at him the way parents smile at their kids when they've put their shoes on backwards.

"Screw you guys, that was funny." Benji flipped off the room.
"Her family," Chris continued.
"Oh, I didn't know Amy was from Canada."
"She's from Malibu. But her great aunt or somebody lives in British Colombia."
"Oh, well."
"I'm starving." Benji rubbed his belly. "Where we going? Or did Lilly, GASP, cook?"
"Fuck you!" Lilly looked him square in the eye, "I can cook."
"Yeah, I can 'cook' cereal too!"
"Watch your mouth little man." Lilly growled, provoked by too much to drink

Paul put his arm around Lilly's shoulder, in a gesture half of support and half of restraint. Nobody doubted Lilly wouldn't rip out a piercing if she wanted to.

"It's the best cereal on the block!" he announced. "No one pours milk like my Lilly."

Lilly grinned.

"We've got reservations at Clarks at 8."

Jamie kept twisting her wrist around in different angles trying to catch the light.

"Holy fuck, what is that?" Benji looked at the diamond and ruby bracelet on her wrist.

Jamie beamed, "Joel got it for me. He says it matches my hair. Isn't it gorgeous?"

"It's…nice." Jessa forced a grin.

She wanted to gag, it was gaudy as all hell. The damn thing would give her a stress fracture. Benji gave Joel a disapproving glare. Lilly squinted at the bracelet.

"That's ugly as hell," she made a face. As usual Lilly just said what came to her.
"Excuse me?" Jamie looked at Lilly with contempt.
"Nevermind, she's drunk."
"How dare you?" Lilly pushed Paul's arm off of her. "I am not drunk. Why would you say something like that?"

Lilly raved sounding more sober by the second. Paul knew he was caught.

"Well, goddamn, Lil, you drank a whole bottle. I thought you were drunk, you wouldn't have minded if you were." Paul tried.

Lilly was about to burst out of her skin, she threw up her arms and sighed dramatically.

"No sex for you."

She strode out of the room and through the swinging door to the kitchen. Before it had a chance to swing shut Lilly came back out.

"And that's the fugliest bracelet I've ever seen," she said and went back into the kitchen.

Jessa almost burst out laughing, she covered her mouth with her hand before she did. Jamie looked at Jessa and then down at what she thought was the best present she'd ever been given. Joel looked like he wanted to do something but he was too caught up trying to think of the right thing to say, or to buy, to appease the situation.

Finally Jessa put her hand on Jamie's shoulder.

"It doesn't matter what Lilly thinks, if you like it."

Jamie smiled. Joel sighed with relief.

"I'm gonna talk to Lil." Paul got up.

Jessa shoved him back down on the couch. "You've done quite enough dough boy."

Jessa went into the kitchen.

"Lilly?"

Lilly was leaning over the sink with her head under the running water. She sniffed as she got up. But she knocked her head on the water facet.

"Son of a bitch" Lilly grabbed the top of her head.

She faced Jessa. Jessa saw the tears glistening in her eyes.

"Oh, Lil, you're not crying? Not over this, it wasn't that bad."
"No," Lilly wiped away some tears, "It's not this. We got in a huge fight this morning."
"About what?"
"The only thing it's ever about?"
"God, he still doesn't wanna get married?"
"Fuckin' retard, I love him."

She shook her head and pulled her hand away to look for blood or anything. Her hair was wet, but she was otherwise ok. She continued rubbing the sore spot on her skull.

"This time it was worse, He basically ordered me to get on the pill again even though he knows it makes me feel terrible. He said he doesn't want anymore pregnancy scares until were ready to have kids. And you know me, I was like 'And when's that gonna be, were already 26 and aren't even married yet'. Oh well Pauly can't possibly handle the FUCKIN' TRUTH" Lilly shouted so Paul was sure to hear in the other room.

"What did he do?"
"Flew off the handle, what else? Went into this whole, 'baby I love you but…' fuckin' a, my head hurts. He's not ready to get married, he doesn't even have a good excuse anymore. We've been together since fucking high school, I liked him when he was just the fat kid in my English class. He was fucking 16 years old getting laid, you think he'd be getting any now if I wasn't around? Fuck, do I have a cut?"

Lilly leaned over in the light and Jessa examined her head.

Jessa shook her head, "Nope."
"Fuckin' a, what's the matter with him? He loves me I know he does, I know it, but still, fucking 10 years and 'I'm not ready,' I don't buy that anymore. Just be happy you're NOT with Benji, I mean if he can't even admit he has feelings for you, then fuck him, you'll be ten years from now in your kitchen holding your head cause of an asshole sink and fugly bracelet."

Jessa laughed.
"Goddamn isn't that bracelet awful?"
Jessa muffled her laughter and nodded.

"And she's sitting there all 'Oh, it's so pretty, look at the colors look at the pretty colors'" Lilly mimicked Jamie's phony Barbie doll stare.

Jessa had to laugh, "Shh, that's not nice."
"Who gives a fuck about nice? She's a fucking moron? How old is she, 19, 20?"
"I think she's gonna be 20 in January."
"What the hell is Joel doing with her? I tell you I'd rather have Claudia back than Ariel out there. Cause she was a bitch, especially to Joel, but at least she had brain cells. Men, anything for a lay, man."
They were quiet a second. Jessa couldn't contain the laughter anymore. "That bracelet is hideous."

Lilly laughed too. She sighed.
"Okay, I'm ready to eat."

Part 6
"Good Lord, that was good!" Benji rubbed his belly.
"It's called bread, Benj." I told him and laughed.
"Mmm, mmm. Good," he licked his fingers.
"God, Benj, do you ever stop?"

Joel answered as he pushed Jamie's chair in, "Hasn't in 27 years."

Benji grinned. We had arrived at the restaraunt only minutes ago. And first thing Benji did was stuff a roll in his mouth, practically eating the whole thing in one bite. We'd made it ok. No further argument from Lilly and Paul, in fact the pair were up to their old tricks. He leaned over to her and licked her ear. Lilly grinned wide giving her that particularly cute mouse look. Billy grimaced.

"Some of us are trying not to lose their appetites here."
"Billy?" Lilly leaned over.
"Yeah, Lil?"
"Shut the fuck up, please."
"Bite me."
"Ooh, can I Paul, can I?"
"After dinner." He looked over the menu.

Lilly pouted, "You're no fun."

From behind his menu Paul grinned. A waiter came over to our table.

"Can I get you something to drink?"
"Drinks all around," Chris shouted. "Well, none for Benj and Paul's driving, oh and James is underaged, so, um…"
I started, "Just coke, a-cola"
"Me too," Benji stuck his finger in the air.
"Me three." Paul said
"Beer, whatever don't tell me choices, just make it cold." Chris smiled like a cowboy tipping his hat.
"Oh, my turn, I'll have a screwdriver," Lilly smiled causing the waiter to blush, "Please."
"Beer, what do you want, James?" Joel
"Water." Jamie said quietly.

I felt bad for her, we'd all laughed at her, except Joel of course, for being so enamoured with that cheap ugly stress fracture causer. She was a really sweet girl. I guess I just saw a picture of myself 3 years ago.

"You can actually order, Jamie, we're not gonna laugh at you or anything. We're your friends now, go ahead," I pushed her.

I smiled, hoping it didn't look phony. I elbowed Benji in the side, he immediately grinned and waved at her.

"Um, do you have cherry coke?"
"Yeah," the waiter drifted his eyes off of Lilly and onto Jamie.
"Ooh, I want that too."
"So 2 cherry cokes, one coke, one screwdriver, for the blonde…" he smiled.
"YO!" Paul's eyes flashed menacingly at the 90 pound waiter.

He must have back 3 feet away from the table even though Paul was furthest from him.

"S-Sorry," he continued, "And two beers?"
"Yeah, to go," Benji joked.

The waiter looked confused for a second.

"Nevermind him, he forgot his medication."
"Oh one of those," the waiter said sarcastically.

Okay, rude boy two can play this game.

"Did I mention the medicine curbs his homicidal tendencies?" I said stoically. "And there's no help for Paul," I pointed, "He just sees prey and…POOF, you're dead. He's gotten off 12 times, 12!"

Paul gritted his teeth and Benji grinned meniacally.

"I'll be back shortly," the waiter left.
"That beer better be cold!" Chris yelled after him.
"I know what he's getting for a tip, everybody chip in a penny."
"Hey I got Canadian money," Chris grinned.
"YES! I officially love you, Chris!"

Chris smiled and pulled out half a dozen Canadian pennies. He piled them in the middle of the table.

"Don't spend them all in one place," Benji said laughing.

It was a few minutes before the waiter returned carefully setting down each glass and making sure he smiled. I think he also noticed the pennies sitting on the table. He tried desperately to suck up. It was hysterical.

30 minutes later, when I thought I might pass out from hunger, the food arrived. I was halfway through a bite of chicken when my phone rang annoyingly.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I yelled at the phone and turned it off mid-ring. "Nobody ever leaves me alone!"

Benji scooted his chair away from me and made a 'go ahead' gesture. I grinned and hit him in the arm. He mocked pain.

"Really though, it's been ringing off the hook."
"Uh oh."
"What uh oh?"
"You're getting famous!" Benji said spookily.
"I am not!"
"Then who's calling you?"
"You, Billy, that producer…"
"What producer?" Lilly looked at me.
"Oh, didn't I…? A guy from Sony Pictures called me, I have a meeting."
"You have a meeting?"
"She has a meeting!" Benji yelped and through his arms in the air.
"That's awesome Jess!" Chris smiled.
"When?"
"Next week."
"That's so cool!" Lilly smiled.

I nodded, "Everything seems to be happening. Movie and going out with GC. Some other…stuff." I looked at Benji. "It's exciting. My head is spinning."
"Well then relax, nothing to get spun about." Lilly drank some of her orange juice and vodka. She made a face. "Eeee, sour! Is this orange juice or lemon juice?"

We finished our dinners with relative silence, except for Benji constantly commenting on his food.

My head really was spinning. I was reeling. This whole meeting was like a dream come true. People are interested, in MY work it was unbelievable. Benji, how many times do I think of him everyday. I mean what was with today. We've never done that before. Just started making out. We haven't even really kissed since when we had first met. Then today, BAM, his lips were crashing into mine. It was…wow, gee whiz, wowie wow wow wow.

"Excuse me." I put my napkin on my plate and headed to the bathroom.

I had to get used to these opulent places, it wasn't as easy as it sounds. The bathroom was huge. And decorated in white and gold. At least this one didn't have one of those damn attendants, that's just weird. Can you imagine if that was your job, to stand there handing towels to snobs all day, hoping they would tip you. Who takes singles with them to the bathroom?

I went into the first empty stall. Even the stalls had that fake gold trim everywhere.

"Jesus, is this a bathroom or the honeymoon suite?" I commented.

I heard the woman next to me sniff. It sounded like she was crying. I finished and flushed. I stood at one of the many marble sinks and washed my hands. Behind me another toilet flushed and a small red head scampered out tissue at her nose.

"Jamie?" I turned around.

She looked up at me, surprised.

"What's the matter? Are you ok?"
She nodded.
"Are you sure?"

I felt horrible, we were mean people, mean mean people making fun of this sweet little girl.

She nodded again. "I…"
"Look were sorry, about what we said about the bracelet. It was a gift from Joel and I know it probably came from the heart."

She snorted, "Ha."
"What?"
"You think I don't know what's going on?"
"What do you mean?"
"I'm 19 years old, he's 27…"
"Look I admit Joel's robbing the cradle a little, but he really likes you."
"Sure likes me for a fuck."
"Jamie…"
"No don't try and tell me otherwise. It's been the same with every guy I've ever been with. They've all been older than me. Joel's actually the youngest one. They buy me stuff, stuff I don't need and I don't even want most of the time. They sleep with me and in a few months I've a brand new car and I'm single again."

That sounded so disgusting. I must have made a face.

"You think I'm a little whore don't you?"
"No, I…"
"Yeah, that's what everybody thinks. But I can't help it ya know. These guys like me and I don't wanna them to stop. I mean it feels good sometimes. To feel like someone wants to take care of you and shit."
"Jamie, Joel isn't like that. He's a really sweet guy."
"I know," she sobbed, "Damn it I know. he's different. He isn't like them at all. The poor guy, he thinks if he doesn't keep spending that I'll leave. But, I think I'm in love with him." "Really?"

Jamie nodded and wiped away some tears.

"I haven't even had sex with him."
"Like ever?"

She shook her head.

"Wow!"
"I mean he's wanted to but I can't. I mean, I actually have feelings for him. I don't know if he has feelings for me."
"Sweetie, that's all a good thing. Of course he has feelings for you, " I lied, I had no idea what Joel thought.
"Yeah?"
"Sure. I mean, why would he waste his time. Joel isn't like those other men, believe me." At least I could say that with some confidence. "Joel's sweet and he would never intentionally hurt anybody. If he was a jerk, like the others, he would have dumped you cause you didn't sleep with him."

Jamie smiled.

"You gotta tell him how you feel though. I mean, he has no idea, he's just blindly going at it, buying you stuff cause it's the only thing he knows how to do. Just tell him, he won't bite your head off and believe me it'll be worth it."

I stood back and Jamie smiled. With her leading the way we went back to the table. I saw Benji sitting there so cute and laughing with Joel. Maybe I oughtta heed my own advice. Jamie went back to her seat and Joel put his hand gently on her back guiding her to her seat. It was adorable. I vaguely remember someone doing that for me. Would Benji ever do that?

"Are you gonna sit or have you given up sitting for world peace?" Benji grinned up at me.

I popped out of the daze. "What?"

Benji put his fingers in my chicken. "It's still dead, go ahead, munch, little one."

I rolled my eyes and sat back down in between Joel and Benji. Would Benji and I still act like this is if we were together? For some reason I doubted it.
***
"Can I pick the music?" Benji yawned as I drove him home after dinner, I had already dropped off Billy and Chris.

I eyed him suspiciously.

"C'mon I'm just tired of same damn shit."
"Fine, I don't care."

He fiddled with the radio dial. Not finding anything satisfying he shut it off.

"Benj?"

I didn't take my eyes off the road.

"Yeah?" Benji yawned again.
"About today…"
"That was great!" he sat up.
"Yeah," I remembered the way he seemed to know exactly where to kiss me to make me feel weak. I shook my head.
"Anyway, what was that about?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean. I thought we were friends. I mean, I don't see you making out with Tony every chance you get."

Benji laughed, "Oh but you will."

"Ben-ji! Get serious, would ya?"
"Ok." And his grin disappeared. "Jess…"

He began but gave up. I sighed. Would he ever be able to admit it? Would I? Were we gonna spend the whole of our lives in this constant limbo? I dropped it for now, the same way I always dropped it.

"Hey, has Joel said anything about James? About how he feels about her?"
"No, why?"
"Oh, well how does he seem?"
"What's this about?"
"Jamie told me she's in love with him."
"She what? Fuckin' great."
"What Benji, I mean, what's wrong with that?"
"She's 19-years-old. She doesn't know love from her own ass."

I was quiet as I turned onto Benji's street.

"I don't think Joel loves her. He wants her, it's not love. If it was he wouldn't go through all this buying shit. He's a romantic, but he's fleeting. AND he's not over Claud."
"Really, he told you…"
"That much is apparent. As far as feelings for James, it's all in his dick."
"Damn it."

I felt guilty, why did I tell Jamie anything? That girl was about to have her heart broken big time and it would be my fault.

"Don't you go feeling responsible," Benji said as if he could read my mind. "Joel's a heartbreaker."

Benji got out of the car and shut the door behind him. He came over to the driver's side and leaned over through the window.

"Don't worry about James and Joel alright?" he said and kissed my cheek. "I'll call you tomorrow or something."
"I gotta work."
"Well whatever, see ya."

Benji waved to me as I pulled out of his driveway.

Call. My phone. I'd almost forgotten about my phone call earlier. Thinking about Benji, and my career and Paul and Lilly and Jamie, I'd let it fall out of my head. I reached behind me for my purse and pulled my cell phone out. Cursing myself for doing this while driving.

But I couldn’t wait until I got home. There was something that told me I should find out who tried to call me. It wasn't anybody in my phone book and I didn't recognize the number. I listened to my messages and they had hung up.

"Shit." I was gonna have to call.

I dialed the number and waited.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring. C'mon pick up!

"Hello?"

I swerved into the left lane narrowly missing an oncoming truck. I was completely unprepared for the voice that greeted me on the other end.

Part 7

For a few seconds I didn't say anything.

"Hello?" he said again.
"D-Dylan!"
"Jessa!" his voice became soft. "I didn't think you'd call back."

I was completely silent.

"Jessa?"
"Why…Why are you calling me?"
"I, I missed you Jess."
"You MISSED me?"
"Look I know you probably don't want to hear from me…"
"Who are you?"
"What?"
"Who are you? I don't know you anymore."
"Cmon Jess," Dylan cooed through the phone.
"No." I hung up.

I tossed my phone onto the seat and drove furiously. I wasn't even sure where I was going anymore. I didn't even notice that it had started to rain. I was aware that my phone had started to ring. I knew it was Dylan without looking at the phone. I wasn't sure I could handle this. I pulled over into the parking lot of a Denny's.

I picked up the phone, sobs shaking my body.

"What?"
"Jessa?" Benji's concerned voice filled my head.
"Benji," I wanted to cry.
"I called to see if you made it home ok, in this rain. Are you okay?"
"I love you." I said, it was so right. It was so true. I felt in every inch of myself that it was the truest thing I'd ever say.
"What?"
"Goddamn it, Benji, is that all you can say?"
"What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing, nothing," I hung up on him and threw the phone aside again.

I leaned over the steering wheel and cried. What the fuck was happening? I'd said it, I'd actually told him I loved him. And it wasn't one the obligatory ones you give to your grama or mom or even your mate. It was the honest to God truth and he didn't return it. He said "What?" WHAT?

I could not get my head around it. Every time I had ever thought about telling Benji, I always thought he'd feel the same way. I always thought he'd get it. He got me on so many levels but when I was completely naked to him he questioned me. Questioned me? "What's wrong with you?" What the fuck is wrong with you, Benj?

And why the fuck was Dylan calling after all this time? He missed me. What did that mean? That he hadn't given up hope on us, even after I stopped leaving him messages. Even though I had stopped casually stopping by to see if his lights were on. These past 5 months with Benji had made me completely forget about him. He was a memory and no more. I didn't think I'd ever hear that voice again. Ever.

I wiped the tears on my face and realized I had the car running. I wiped until my eyes didn't sting, only burned a little. I turned on the wipers and watched the sheets of rain go sliding off my windshield. I turned on the defroster to unfog my windows and pulled down my visor in search of only one CD.

"C'mon, c'mon."

I looked again and pulled the booklet out of the glove box. Not here either. Damn it.

"FUCK!" I screamed.

I pulled out of the parking lot a little fast.

Slow down, Jess, don't kill yourself out here. I had to remind myself.

Easing up I calmed myself down as I drove. I sang outloud. I sang 'Benji's Song,' but it didn't really help. I needed to hear Benj.

It wasn't long before I pulled into the driveway. Cash was barking inside. Benji would never leave him outside in this torrential rain. This made me smile. I opened the door and let the rain wash over me. I didn’t mind a little water.

Benji was standing in the doorway. Obviously Cash had alerted him to an arrival, that or had heard my car. I walked faster, making sure I kept my footing on the wet walkway.

"Jess?!" Benji stared at me.

I must look terrible.

"Benji." I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed him.
Goddamn woman you're squeezing the life outta me"

I pulled back and just stared deep into his chocolate brown eyes. Then I kissed him with more passion and intenstity than I'd ever kissed anyone in my entire life.

"J-Jessa," Benji sounded confused.
"Oh, Benji. I need you. I want you." I kissed him again.

I pulled him into the house, barely pausing to shut the door and pushed him on to the couch. I crawled on top of him. I began tearing at his clothes. Benji was in shock over my behavior. I'd never been so aggressive with him before. Straddling him I kissed down his now naked chest. Once or twice Benji opened his mouth but I didn't let him speak, this needed to happen. Nothing could stop me.

I could see Cash sitting and watching us. I tossed Benji's discarded shirt and it landed on Cash's head. He grunted struggling to get the shirt off his eyes. I took off my own shirt and kissed Benji fiercely.

Finally Benji got on the same page. He put his hands on my hips and kissed my shoulders. I unbuttoned and unzipped his pants and slipped them down his legs. I stood up on my knees to unbutton my own pants and Benji grabbed my wrist.

He basically picked me up off of his own body and sat me down on the couch.

"Jessa…" he began.
"This is no time for talk, Benj." I leaned in for the kiss.
"Are you sure you want this?" he squeezed my waist.

I nodded and kissed him.

"Good," he got up, wearing only plain white boxers.

Benji led me upstairs, stopping only briefly to pull the t-shirt off Cash's head.

"Stay," he ordered, "Good dog."