Part 1
The office smelled like Alex. The vanilla kinda smell. The walls were red and Jessa loved 'em. She told me that we oughtta paint the bedroom that color, blood red. She was a secret porn star, I was convinced. Not that anything vaguely pornographic was going on in that bedroom.

"Hello Benji." Dr. Caplan came in.
"Hi." I slumped over in my seat. This was my 4th visit with her.
"So, how have you been?"
"I dunno." I shrugged. Those were the words a therapist least wanted to hear. "I'm tired, it's hard to really gauge how I feel about anything."
"Hmm."

She said that a lot. 'Hmm' this and 'Uh huh' that, but Jessa told me that therapists were not really the ones helping you. They're there to listen, you fix yourself or finally realize you didn't need fixing you just needed to talk. We argued about it a lot. I didn't want to go see a stranger. It made me feel sick or crazy. I felt like they'd take all my minor flaws and turn them into big deals. I told her I didn't need to talk to anybody, that if I had anything to say I could talk to her or Joel or the very least Tony, maybe even Chris. I begged her not to make me go, like a child.

Sometimes she let it go, sometimes she cried, and sometimes she yelled at me like a dog that chewed her sneakers. I'd told Jess a little bit about what had happened, or least how afraid of it I was, but she still urged me. She did a little research and made me an appointment. I went, to please her and because the fact that I couldn't get in a car still, it freaked me out. Maybe this Dr. Caplan could help me drive again.

I hadn't talked about the accident yet, but I really didn't want to. The whole therapy thing was pretty weird. I promised Jess I'd give it a go and get better, but I couldn't help it, I didn't want to talk about it. It was bad enough I was afraid of cars. Bad enough, that I still have nightmares, in the event I do sleep. I might have my limp forever, wasn't that enough. No, now I was expected to tell someone everything and relive it. Forgive me if I don't want to do that.

"Did Jessa drive you?"
"Yes." I looked at my Nike's. She chauffeured me around, I could only sit in the backseat.
"How was it?"
"What the fuck do you want me to say?" I yelled, I was a little sick of these pointed questions. "That I almost threw up? That when I hear car horns, I jump and practically piss my pants?"

She was quiet.

"I mean, I know what your trying to do, you try and make every conversation about what happened. My life doesn't revolve around it, alright. I just try to forget it happened, okay."
"Why?"
"Has YOUR best friend ever lied next to you bleeding from the head, unconscious, and you think they're dead. Have you ever smelled dead things all around you? Do you know what a burning person smells like?" I yelled. I wanted to go home.

"Do you think you should talk about it?"
"This is weird." I shook my head.
"What's weird."
"Have a designated talk…paying someone to listen to me."
"This doesn't have to be as formal as you're making it Benji."
"Then how can it be?" I lifted my head.
"Talk to me like I'm your wife."

I laughed. "Yeah, sure."
"What's so funny about that?"
"I can't call you babe, you're my doctor."
"Pretend I'm not. Come on, what would you and Jessa talk about right now?" She asked expectantly.

I shrugged. I was supposed to be giving this a go. I rolled my eyes and sighed.

"I'm tired babe."
"Hmmm."
"Jessa wouldn't say 'hmmm'. She'd say 'aww, babe, I know. I'm tired too. Isabel just takes up all our time.' and then I'd say 'I know' and we'd try to take a nap."
"Do you get enough sleep?" she asked.
"Do you have kids? It's impossible." I suddenly yawned.
"I don't have any children."
"I don't wanna sound rude, but I don't think you could understand." I explained. "She is my every waking moment. Our every waking moment. You never get a break and you can't ignore her. It's so fucking hard."

"Do you wish that you didn't have her?"
"Hell no." That was unthinkable. "She's mine. I wouldn't give her back for a billion dollars. Its…" I sighed and sat back. "It's the hardest thing you have to do in your life, but you want to do it. You still want kids, still want more. And I don't wanna say it messed anything up between Jessa and me, it just changed things. You grow up and your priorities change."

"And what are your priorities?"
"They used to be self-centered. Like have a house, have a car, have a good enough job not to have to struggle. And I did that, but I was…empty. I used to have this girlfriend and I was with her for a long time. Longer than I had been with Jessa, but I didn't get anywhere in that relationship. I was too concerned with my priorities and too concerned with what she could be instead of what she was."

"What was she?"
"Georgie?" I looked up. "Georgie was…well she was a lot like Jessa. I mean I thought she was. She was really smart and witty. She was bitchy and unhappy and constantly on something too. Painkillers, happy pills, whatever she could get her hands on. We used to drink together a lot. Actually all our first dates were at bars, until we got drunk enough and then we'd go crash in each other's cars. It was not a good lifestyle. We'd go clean for awhile, fight a lot, and go back. She sobered up before me. I mean she did so good and she looked so good and I was proud, but I still drank a lot, got into trouble. "

"What kind of trouble?"
"What kind do you think? I'd fight with anybody who looked at me funny. Then I'd go home and fight with Georgie all night." I just about cried realizing what I was saying.
"Benji?"
"I used to beat her." I sighed and shut my eyes. "I did that."

I hung my head with guilt and shut my eyes. I hit her, just like the woman. The woman, I hit that woman. And she died. I remember the horror on her face so well. When my car came flying into her driver side window. I shook the image from my head. I didn't want to think about the accident anymore.

"We were gonna have a baby." I said sullenly.
"Who?"
"Georgie and I."
"What happened?"
"Georgie killed the baby." I answered dully. "She hated me, because of all the things I did to her and said to her and so she killed it."
"I'm sorry."
"I always wanted a kid. ALWAYS." I shrugged my shoulders. "That was one of my priorities. I wanted kids really badly. I thought kids would make me feel meaningful and stuff."
"Doesn't Isabel make you feel meaningful?"
"Yes, but you aren't getting the point."
"What is the point?" she asked, cocking her head.

I took a deep breath.

"That I used to want kids and it didn't matter to me where they came from, just that they were mine. When Georgie told me what she did and stomped all over me, it hurt because I wanted it. That was something I had always wanted and she took it away from me." I told. "But Isabel…Isabel is more than just wanting a child, Isabel is…is…"
"A symbol."
"Yeah. She's mine and Jessa's. She represents something special. Something I share only with Jess." I completed. "Before, I wanted kids for selfish reasons, to make ME into something, make me a man or something, but that isn't what it's about. It's about love."

She nodded. Oddly, I kept talking.

"I mean, I did love Georgie, in a way, not the way I love Jess, but I loved her and it was just a killer when she killed our baby." I explained. "I mean, I was so happy to be going to that hospital to see my baby. I was going to see MY wife and MY baby. I was so fucking happy, I was exuberant. And then there's just chaos all around me."
"The accident?"

I looked away and shook my head. "I don't wanna talk about that."

"Benji…"
"It was the worst experience of my life, forgive me if I want to forget about it." I spat.
"Benji…" She started. "I can't MAKE you do or say anything. But you keep skirting around it. You want to say it, I know you do."

I sighed and stood up. I paced around for a little bit. It hurt my head to think about. There was so much. So many feelings.

"Fine, you want me to talk about it, I'll talk about it. My car killed someone, I crashed into someone. I slammed on the brakes as hard as I could but I couldn't stop and I tried so hard." I was crying and shaking. "And…and there…there was a woman inside. I saw her, I saw my car hit her."

I took one shaky breath after another.

"Chris screamed and the car hit something and it flipped us. He grabbed his seatbelt and it came undone as we fell, he hit his head and there was blood everywhere." I could see it, oozing from his skull. "People were screaming and crying and just everything."

"What did you think?"
"That I was dying. That Chris was dead. That my wife was all alone with our baby." I sobbed and stood with one hand on my head as if it would stop the pain in my head. "That really killed me ya know. My first baby gets killed and my second baby, I get killed. It was just one of those moments when you really hate God."

"Do you hate God?" she asked. "Do you rely on that faith?"
"I have faith if that's what your asking. I don't hate God." I sighed and finally sat down. "There was screaming and chaos and everything and I started yelling at God. I guess I've always done that, but this time I yelled and I screamed, the whole why me bit, but then I realized…"

I paused.

"Realized what?"
"That it wasn't his fault. I prayed, that Jessa was okay, that the baby was okay. I prayed that they were taken care of and that Chris and I got to go somewhere good." I sniffed in my tears. "I mean in a way I guess I made my peace with God, but then we made it out of there. I was…confused. Now I had to live with all the pain and all the memories. I didn't…don't know what to do with that."

I looked up at her. She had tears in her eyes. She took a few minutes to compose herself and then glanced at her watch.

"Times up, Benji." She stood up and I did that same. "I'll see you next week."
***
Isabel fussed in her seat. Not exactly crying but a soft whimper that said 'get me the fuck out of this thing.' I wished she'd fall back to sleep, but she'd been up since I dropped Benji off and hasn't so much as fluttered an eyelash. I drove around the block trying to lull her to sleep, but it didn't work. In the end I ran my few errands with her carrier clutched in my hand, she reaching her little hands to touch mine as I walked.

Somebody took a picture of us as we went into Independent Records, Vinyl and Video. I heard a commotion in the bushes and heard the electronic buzz of automatic zoom. Couldn't wait to find that picture. What kind of headline would it proclaim this time…'Jess takes Baby on indie record store shopping spree.' The press had taken to referring to us as "Benj, Jess, and Baby" or if Joel was involved, "the Madden clan" or "Madden dynasty" which was just wrong.

I swear they all thought we were Posh and Becks. A few weeks ago I bought what I'd call a 'good' amount on shoes in west Hollywood and the Inquirer said I was on a 'mad shopping binge'. A picture of Benji (he was holding a bag from the pharmacy, that housed a candy bar) and I in a really weird pose outside of the doctors office got 'Benj's Addiction to Pain Meds rocks Marriage.' I really don't know where they get it from.

I put on some Phantom Planet as I waited for Benji to come down from his appointment. Skipping any loud songs and focusing on their most mellow stuff. She protested

"Shush, Iz, let's wait for daddy." I craned my neck around the seat trying to look at her, but I still couldn't see over the carrier.

Someone tapped on the glass and for a second I thought it was them telling me to move my car again, but it was Benji. I quickly unlocked the doors and he climbed in next to Isabel.

"Hi, my baby." He leaned over her and she giggled, daddy's girl. "Hi, my bigger baby."

He reached his hand over the seats and squeezed my shoulder. I turned and smiled at him. He didn't look well. His eyes were red and his face was blotchy.

"Benj?"
"What?" He looked up as he lifted Iz from her seat.

I kept myself from asking 'are you okay?' and instead, "How was your session?"
"Alright, I guess." He focused on Isabel.
"Oh."

He usually wasn't talkative after seeing Dr. Caplan. I don't know why I thought it would be different this time. I know he hated going and that he did it solely for me. I pulled into traffic carefully. Benji made me a little paranoid when I drove. Especially when he said things like 'is your seatbelt buckled?', 'How fast ARE you going?'. He didn't say anything this time.

"Jess, I wanna try driving again."

I gasped. "Are, are you sure?"
"Like just down our street or something. Maybe to Joel's" He mentioned.
"Really, baby?" I smiled. "That's great."

I was really happy. Maybe Benji was getting better.

"What is this shit?" He asked of my choice in music.

Yeah, he was getting better.

"We got our picture taken today." I mentioned, as I turned down the stereo. "Didn't we, Iz?"
"Goddamn, why can't they leave us alone?" he sneered. "We aren't even that interesting."
"That's what we think."

He shook his head. Benji hated the press more than I did. He loathed the press since what they did to him. He hadn't sued them (even though he had every right to), but he made several public statements about their mismanagement of the situation and lack of respect for people. That was probably the reason we were suddenly interesting.

I pulled into the driveway in front of our house. I turned around to ask Benji what he wanted for dinner and he pressed his finger to his lips and cast his eyes down. Isabel was sleeping soundly in his arms. It seemed like every time I struggled with her all day, Benji got it under control in a heartbeat. I guess that what daddies were for.

We got out as quietly as possible and headed inside.
***
"I am SO tired." I lamented, plopping down on the couch awhile later, after we ate.
"Tell me about it." Jess sighed and leaned on my arm. "I'm too tired to kiss you."

I chuckled.

"Well it's the thought that counts."
"Are you thinking about kissing me?" she asked.
"Mmmm, um hmm. We're totally making out."
"Good, we never make out anymore." She hugged me. I put my arm around her shoulder.
"We never do anything, babe." I kissed her forehead.

Isabel took up all our time. I don't think I'd slept a whole night since before she was born. We even started taking turns, but it didn't help. I saw her all the time, but I felt like I was a million miles away.

I reached over to grab the remote. Our life had become late night TV and diapers. I mean here I had her…all alone and we were gonna watch TV. Lucky for me I married a mind reader.

"Don't turn that on." She sat up and kissed my cheek. She began kissing my neck and suddenly stopped, lips just pressed along my jaw with no movement.

"What?" I asked.
"You smell like…" she sniffed. "Cashdogg."

I'd been outside with him and Len a while ago.

"Sorry, is it gross?"
"Not unless the baby smell is gross on me." She laughed and continued.
"Nope." I confirmed and pulled her body towards me. I started kissing her.
"God, that feels different."
"What?"
"The lack of piercings." She explained. "I think I'm gonna really miss them."
"It's not too late." I cocked my head. "It hasn't been that long, I'm sure I could get them back in."
"But Izzy likes to play with them." she reasoned.

She must be attracted to them cause they're shiny. First chance she had, she grabbed at them with her little fingers and yanked hard. And she thought it was funny. It was getting too painful and I took them out this morning.

"I could just put them in at night or something. I mean they aren't closed yet." I suggested.

Jessa started laughing. More than laughing she fell into a fit of giggles. I couldn't help smiling.

"What?"

She shook her head violently and began blushing.

"Jessa, you have to tell me now."

She took a deep breath and looked me in the eye.

"Yes?" I coaxed.
"It just feels…I dunno…dirty."
"Dirty?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Like it's a sex thing." She whispered.
"Is it a sex thing?" I whispered back.

She giggled.

"Like ya know, you're only putting them in at night, because I like them." She blushed.
"Well what if I took these out and did my tongue." I teased. "You'd like that huh, babe."

Her blush deepened. "Stop it."
"You know you would. You're a nasty girl, Jess." I pushed.
"Benji!"
"C'mon stop being so modest." I kept on it. "You know how you like it."
"STOP!" She shut her eyes.
"C'mon Jess." I poked her side. "Tell me you don't like it dirty."
"Okay, I like it dirty." She smirked at me and climbed into my lap.
"Oh please, Mrs. Madden, stop." I kidded. I grinned and pulled her closer to me. I began kissing her. She toyed with my nipples through my cotton shirt. "You're a married woman!" I exclaimed.

We messed around a little more. This was getting hot.

"Mmm, baby, I've missed this." I said, kissing her further and pulling on her clothes. She sighed and started pulling away.

"No, I don't know."
"C'mon Jess, it's been so long." I begged. "I just want you."
"I don't know if I'm ready, yet." She whined.
"Please. I'll be gentle, so gentle." I promised her, rubbing the small of her back.
"No you won't. You get excited and you go rough." She explained. She sighed again and mussed my hair. "I'm sorry baby," She frowned. "I just…"

I shook my head. "Don't explain, I get it."

I got it, but I still wanted it. I wanted her. Isabel was 4 months old now and I knew Jessa was…functional…but I guess I sorta expected her to shy away from sex for awhile. I did really want her, want sex, the nasty dirty variety. How long was I gonna have to wait? She couldn't expect me to wait for too long. I hoped that our sex life wasn't in complete shambles now that we were parents.

And right on cue, Isabel woke up and started to cry. Jessa got off of me and went upstairs to get her. I sighed and looked around the living room realizing it was around 6 or 7 and not late night at all like I thought it had been. I went upstairs deciding I'd put my piercings back in.

Halfway up the stairs I heard the phone and Isabel cried all over. I groaned. She woke the dead with that wail. I made the decision to answer the upstairs phone because it was closer and not because it was a piece of shit. There was always weird beeping in the background.

I grabbed my lip rings off the dresser and started to putting them back in place.

"Hello?" I grabbed the phone with my left hand as my right fiddled with my mouth.
"Benjamin Madden?" a voice said.
"Yes, this is him." beep beep beep
"Uh, this is Marc Owens from the Annapolis Police Department."
"Yes?" I know I instantly sounded scared. My mom lives in Annapolis.

"Mr. Madden did you know a Miss Georgia Lauren Carpenter?"
"A few years ago, yes." What did Georgie have to do with anything? Sick, terrible thoughts of Georgie threatening my mom, swam through my mind.

"I don't know if anyone had informed you…"
"Informed me of what?"
"Well, she…she died, Mr. Madden." He said slowly. "She committed suicide a few days ago."

I gagged slightly. Maybe my most recent feeling about her had been hate and dislike, but I had once loved her. I had given pieces of myself to her, things I can't get back, and she was gone? Dead? She killed herself?

"Why did you call me?" It didn't really make sense, she had an older brother and parents, call them.
"That wasn't my real reason for calling."
"Then what was." I was really confused. My heart began beating fast for no reason. I mean, I didn't know what was happening. Maybe it was something like she left me something in a will of some kind, I don't know. beep beep beep

Jessa must have heard me. She came into the bedroom, cradling Isabel in her arms. She cocked her head questioningly at me. I shook my head and she sat down on the bed, waiting until I hung up so I could explain.

"I'm not sure we should discuss this on the phone." He paused.
"What?" I got jumpy and angry. "What is it?"

beep beep beep

"Um…what…er…was the nature of your relationship with Miss Carpenter?" He asked.
"I was her boyfriend…why?" Jessa watched me closer.
"We're you and Miss Carpenter…um…" Owens' age began to show. "We're you intimate with her?"
"EXCUSE ME?" What the fuck was this…some freaky interrogation?

Beep beep beep

"Uh…"
"What's going on?"
"Did you know miss Carpenter had a 5-year-old son?"
***

Part 2
"Any flight from here to Lee, Dulles or Regan, is fine." Benji said to the travel agent. "I don't have a preference! Just pick one, the soonest flight you can find."

I sat by and just watched him. I was still in awe. A 5-year-old little boy. A boy I'm positive is Benji's son. To be honest I wasn't sure how I felt or how I was supposed to feel. What did this mean? The officer told Benji that he had to go to Maryland and go to the reading of Georgie's will.

What was going to happen? Were just we going to go to Maryland and come home with a little boy? How weird was that? I felt really confused. I had no control over how this was going to happen and I don't like that feeling. I like to know what's gonna happen. It's probably why I direct.

"3:30? In the morning?" Benji asked. "Yeah, no, it's okay. I'll take it…just one, me."
"No," I stopped him. "Two tickets, Benji."
He took the phone from his ear "But Jess, Isabel."
"I'm not staying here, Benji." I said firmly.
"I need two tickets." He sighed. "And we have an infant. Uh huh…Yeah…One way for now…Okay."

He went on explaining all our information. I looked at the clock on the dresser it was 9. Midnight in Maryland. My heart started beating overtime. Benji had a son. A 5-year-old that he's never met and didn't even know existed. A child he thought was dead. He must be so torn up inside. I was just confused. Why? Why would she have their baby if she didn't want it?

I looked down at my Isabel and couldn't imagine not wanting her, not having her. I couldn't imagine killing my baby, no matter what the circumstances were, and that's probably exactly the way she felt. She probably couldn't do it, couldn't round up enough courage to let go of her baby. I bet she was scared and alone.

I looked over at Benji as he hung up.

"So 3:30?" I asked.
He nodded sullenly. "Yeah."
"Benj," I said full of concern.
"What?" he continued looking down at his hands. Playing with one of his piercings.
"Baby, it's okay." I lied I didn't know if it was going to be okay. I didn't know anything. Detective Owens didn't want to say much on the phone.
"Yeah." He nodded again.
"Benji…"
"Jessa, please I'm trying to think." He raised his voice slightly.

I was quiet. I didn't know what to say or what to tell him. There was nothing I could do for him.

"I need to call Joel." He said, standing up and hitting Joel on speed dial.

He paced around the room as he waited for Joel to answer.

"Hey, man." he said. "Yeah, look I'm going to Annapolis tonight…I just want to see Momma. We're gonna be there for a few days…I'm not sure how long…No, I'm alright, everything's fine."

I sat by and watched him just lie to his brother. How could he do that?

"Yeah, I'll call when we get there…I will, Joel, knock it off…I'll tell you later…look I just, I'll tell you later man, bye." He hung up and sighed.

"Benji, why did you lie to him."
"I didn't lie."
"You are not fine and we are not going to Maryland to see your mother."
"Jess, I don't wanna concern him. If he knows he's gonna book a flight and follow us there. He won't just sit at home and wait."
"But Benj…"
"But, Benj, nothing. Just let me make my own decisions, will you?" He took a deep breath.
"I know what I'm doing."
"Yeah, I'm sure you are." I rolled my eyes stood up and took Isabel back to her room.
***
"Oh my Benjamin." My mom was running across the terminal as we arrived through the security checkpoint. I shifted the weight of the bag on my shoulder and set Jessa's on the floor as she enveloped me in her arms.

"Hi, Mom." I gave her a kiss on the cheek.
"Oh, my good Lord!" Her features lit up as she leaned down towards Isabel in her baby carrier. "Is this her? Ooohhhhh" she cooed. "You look just like your daddy did. Oh, yes you do."

She stood up and looked at me seriously.

"Now what's this all about?" She looked at Jessa and then at me again.
"Let's get home please. I'll explain when we get there." I used the 'I'm-really-sick-and-tired-Mommy-will-you-take-care-of-me' voice.

She softened considerably. "Ok, honey."
***
She wasn't reacting. I told her Georgie and I were going to have a baby, but how she told me she lost it. How she committed suicide 2 nights ago and that my 5-year-old son was a ward of the state at this point. I didn't get it. She was my mom. Isn't she supposed to getting really emotional?

"Mom?" I asked slowly.

She looked down at Isabel and didn't answer. Jessa and I looked at each other.

"Mom?"
I saw her shut eyes and she took a deep breath. "I knew she was pregnant."
"What? How?"
"Dixie Cooper, she told me a long time ago that Georgie was pregnant."
"She did?" Nevermind, I didn't know who Dixie Cooper was.
"Yeah, and that the dad had walked out on her. And…" My mom started trying to control her tears. "I said…that…I said 'Does she even know who he is?'"

She all out sobbed.

"I didn't, I couldn't have…"
"It's okay, Mom." I told her.
"But my grandson has lived a few miles from me his whole life and didn't even know it."
"Neither did I, Mom?" I yelled. "He's my son for Christ's sake. He's five-fucking-years-old!"
"Benjamin!" she scolded.

I hung my head.

"Why don’t you two get upstairs and get some sleep—"
"I can't sleep. We have to go downtown at 3." I explained.
"Well just…just rest…or something. Tell him Jessa." She looked at Jess as she pointed at me.

I looked at Jess with the pout, but fully expecting her to agree with my mom.

"Why don’t we eat something?" She suggested.
I nodded. I was hungry, it was around lunch time. "Yeah, Mom can you fix us something?"
"Benji!" Jessa gawked at me. "You can't just expect her to…"
"Now, don't be silly Jessa, I'm his mother." She handed Isabel to Jessa and bustled off to the kitchen.

I looked smugly at her. She mocked anger and punched my arm.

"Are you…okay with this?" I felt like a dumbshit. What kinda of question is that? 'Honey, it turns out my ex-girlfriend did have my baby. Would it be too much trouble to raise him as your own?'

"What do you mean 'okay'?" She looked at me funny. "Benji, I love you. Do you think I'd be mad? How could I be mad?"
"I dunno, cause…I don't know." I shook my head.
"Benji, I married you. I'm sort of obligated to be here." She pointed to her spot emphasizing 'here'. "Are you…okay?"

"No." I slumped my shoulders. "I can’t believe this is really happening. I have a son, Georgie's dead….it's…that fucking bitch!" My voice rose.
"Benji!" Jessa put her finger to her lips and motioned towards the kitchen.
"Jessa she lied to me." I pointed to myself. "She didn't want me to be a part of his life at all and then she fucking kills herself? She just abandon's him? What kind of fucking woman does that!?!"

"A scared one? A screwed up one?" I defended her. "Benji, we don't have any idea what happened."
"And could you put Isabel in another room and kill yourself, Jess?" He asked sarcastically.
"Stop it." I narrowed my eyes. "Just stop it."

He sat back and shut his eyes. I felt so helpless. I couldn’t do or say anything. I didn't even really know what he was feeling. Or what was going on? What WAS going on?

"You guys wanna eat on the porch?" Momma came back in pretending she hadn't overheard a word.
"Sure." Benji got up nonchalantly.

I followed them out to the back. I'd never been here before let alone set sights on Chesapeake bay. I was notorious for defending my home coast and had a sort of dislike of the Atlantic. The water was cold and ugly looking. Funny me marrying someone so deeply rooted with the East coast.

"Whatcha think Jess?" Benji stretched and took a big gulp of air.

From the deck you could see there wasn't much yard before it became sand and water. Blue and sparkling, not the pacific, but nice. Ugly coastal birds squawked overhead. I shut my eyes and sniffed. The water was different, it smelled different. But I heard the sounds of the water, the birds, the boats in the distance. It was homey. If I had to live here I'd need to live by the water.

"Where's the palm trees?" I laughed.

We sat down at the little table. I sat Isabel's seat on the chair next to mine. I picked at my sandwich I wasn't very hungry. Benji took one big bite and then didn't eat anymore. Benji actually hadn't been eating much at all. All his shirts hung loose and he was down to one chin. He'd eat a piece of fruit or a salad. At first I though he was being lazy and so I started cooking for him, but even then, he ate less than half. He stayed up all night and drank at least 2 pots of coffee a day. Didn't he know how worried I was?

He took another bite and pushed his plate away.

"Benjamin, you better eat that!" his mom yelled. "I made it for you."
"I'm not hungry mom."
"Bull!" she glared at him. "You're way too skinny. I don't like it, it's not healthy."

I didn't say it, but I agreed.

"You were starving two seconds ago. Eat! You need your strength right now." She went on, pushing his plate forward.

He rolled his eyes. "We have to leave soon."
"EXACTLY!" She yelled again. "Eat!"
"Mom…"

She gave him a look. Benji picked up his sandwich and nibbled at it.

"Benj, honey, what's the matter?" his mom asked, gently.
"Everything momma."
***
I'd been to the Annapolis Police Station before, but I'd never been to the courthouse. My heart was practically beating out of my chest I was so scared. She had lied to me. She carried my child and gave birth and I had no clue. I was angry, hurt, I was everything.

Jessa gripped my hand and smiled brightly at me as I struggled to breathe. I played with my shirt buttons. I put on a plaid shirt in an attempt to look presentable, no hat, no makeup. Jessa said I looked a lot more Joel-like. Georgie's parents and brother were going to be here. Her parents never liked me to begin with, couldn't imagine them being happy to see me now. And Richie, we had been friends in the past, but I didn't think he'd be very welcoming.

I held the door open for Jessa as we went inside. It was a large intimidating building, high ceilings and daunting paintings of presidents. There was a middle aged brunette woman waiting near the reception desk.

"Benjamin Madden?" She held out her hand as we approached. "I'm Luanne Dunn."
"Hi." I shook her hand and motioned to Jessa. "This is my wife, Jessa."
"Oh, of course." She shook Jessa's hand as well. "Everyone is waiting."

She led the way down the empty hall. I felt like a dumb teenager. Like I was in trouble. Jessa held my hand again and squeezed it. If I didn't have her, I don't know what I'd do. I'd never be able to do this alone. We went through a set of doors leading into a large room. There was a huge wood desk and 4 people. The lawyer, Georgie's parents, and her older brother, Richie.

I felt their eyes fall on Jessa and I and judge us. This time I twined her arm with mine, I already knew what kind of judgmental fuckers they were, they weren't going to hurt Jessa. Miss Dunn sat down next to us across from the Carpenters. I looked around, but saw no 5-year-old. I let out a sigh of relief, but I seriously expected them to spring him on me.

"Is this everyone?" the lawyer asked.
"Yes." Miss Dunn nodded.
"Well, I'm John Romano, Miss Carpenter hired me to do her will." He said firmly, but nervously licking his lips. "Let's get started."

There was a long legal schpiel and every time I looked up, her mom, dad, or brother glared at me. They thought this was my fault, I just knew it.

"Now…" Romano paused. "In the matter of Benjamin Levi Madden jr., keep in mind that this is pending proper blood work and investigation by the Maryland child protective services."

I shut my eyes, she named him after me. I felt like bursting into tears at that very moment. I didn't even worry about the blood work and investigation. My chest hurt.

"In the event of my demise, I leave full custody of Ben to his father, Benjamin Levi Madden, Sr." Romano read. "Involvement of my parents, George and Arlene Davis Carpenter, is left to Madden Sr. to determine, but my wishes are as follows…"
"Hold on one second." Her dad yelled. "She wants OUR grandson to live with HIM!"
"Please let me finish."
"Georgia wasn't thinking straight. She couldn't have been. Why would she want him to…" He stood up raging.
"Mr. Carpenter, please be seated." Romano said firmly.

He sat down and glared at me. Under the table, Jessa held my hand.

"She went on to say, my parents have never shown affection for their grandson and I see them unfit as parents for Benjamin. I would rather they have no contact, but I leave it to Benjamin Sr."

I exhaled, taking in everything as he rattled a list of personal belongings and possessions that she mainly gave to Richie, including her 1969 Mustang.

"2.5 carat diamond necklace, silver tennis bracelet, diamond and pearl earrings, white gold cross and chain, and 2 gold and platinum rings, I give back to Benjamin Madden Sr."

I'm surprised she didn't pawn any of it. She kept everything. 5 years of gifts, mainly 'I'm sorry' presents. I felt sick.

"That's everything." Romano finished up. "Except these."

He handed me, her parents, and Richie each an envelope. Her family looked wickedly at me. I sunk in my seat.

"What happens now?" Jessa asked. "Where's Ben?"
"He's been staying with Mr. and Mrs. Carpenter." Miss Dunn explained. She must be from CPS.
"Can she just do that?" I spoke up. "I mean, just say that's what she wants?"
"Well, it's a sealed legal record, so yes…and no." Romano explained. "You're named on his birth certificate but…."
"Can I see it?"
"See what?"
"His birth certificate, do you have it?"

"Oh….hold on…" He opened his briefcase and shuffled through finally presenting a paper with a Maryland seal on it and a certificate from the hospital. The first one said everything. Name: Benjamin Levi Madden Junior, Born: January 7th, 2004, Eyes: Brown, Hair: Brown, weight: 9lbs 12oz, length: 22 inches. Father: Benjamin Levi Madden Senior mother: Georgia Laura Carpenter. The second page had his little foot and hand prints.

I pressed my hand to the teeny prints. My son. I had a son.

"This is ridiculous." Mr. Carpenter started again. "How can he get him?"
"It's a matter of your daughter's wishes and the well being of the child." Miss Dunn said. "Benjamin Sr…"
"Benji." I corrected
"If Benji, is his biological father, than he has a right to his son."
"But he's never even met him." Richie pointed out.
"And he's going to move him across the country!" Her mother gasped.
"Yes well, after the appropriate blood tests come out positive, Benji can do what he wants." Miss Dunn explained.

"Can we see him?" Jessa asked.
"No, I want to discuss this. Benjamin, you just got married…you have your own family. There's no need for you to confuse the boy." Her father spoke to me like I was the 19 year old his daughter brought home.

"HE'S MY SON!" I yelled.
"I'm sure he's confused as it is." Jessa added. "We can't just leave him here."
"You could see him on his birthday." He suggested. "Holidays?"
"I'm not giving you custody, that's final!" I stared hard at them. "Who do you think I am? I'm not abandoning my son."

"You haven't cared all these years." Richie muttered.
"EXCUSE ME!?" I started to stand up.
"Shh, Benj, calm down." Jessa rubbed my arm.
"I didn't even KNOW. Georgie lied to me about it."

"Everyone needs to calm down." Romano's voice boomed. "Benji has biological rights to Ben and when the DNA clears he's free to take him to California or where ever. You have the right to sue for custody and Benji would have to bring him back here 'til it was resolved, but let me warn you. Judges don't often favor relatives over biological parents, especially not when there's no reason Benji can't raise him."

They sat back and fumed in silence.

"Can we see him?" Jessa asked again.
"There are some papers I'd like you to sign fir—" Miss Dunn started.
"Where IS he?" she repeated firmly.
"Ok," she smiled at Jessa. "We'll go get Benjamin first."
***
I was in love. That thick mop of dark brown hair. Those large chocolate eyes. Perfect nose, pouty curved lips, round little face. It was a tiny tattooless version of Benji.

He looked up at us as we entered the room. Giving us the up and the down, studying our appearance and moves. He looked very weary of us, but we were strangers to him.

"Benjamin, this…" Miss Dunn began.
"My name is not Benjamin, it's just Ben." His eyes blazed as he crossed his arms and stared defiantly up at her.

Yup, definitely Benji's son.

"Hi, Ben." I smiled. He stared at me.
"Hey, Ben…" Benji began, obviously overcome with a range of emotion at seeing his son.

Ben studied Benji further.

Benji grinned. "I'm your daddy, Ben."

Ben stared. I guess we should have known better than to expect a warm reception.

"Where's your sweater?" Georgie's mom asked Ben. I could see the discarded wool ball stuffed under a low table.
"You had him in a sweater, it's July?!" Benji looked at her like she was crazy.
"I don't like that sweater, I told you." Ben specified.

He certainly knew exactly what he wanted. He reminded me so much of Benji. The way he talked and his attitude. The way his little face scrunched up. He didn't pay much attention to Benji or I, but he obviously didn't like his grandparents very much.

"I told you about talking that way to your grandma, young man."
"Can I go home now?" Ben ignored them.
"Ben, you're going to go with Benji and…I'm sorry I forgot your name." Miss Dunn looked at me.
"Jessa."
"Benji and Jessa."

He stared up at me and I smiled. I couldn't imagine being that young and faced with this.

"Did Georgia say it was okay?" he asked.
"Yeah, she did, Ben."
"Do I have to go with them" He pointed to his grandparents. "Again?"
"Not if you don't want to." I squatted down to his level.
"Good."
"Good." I nodded.

He turned around and went back to his pile of Lego's on the floor and continued building. I smiled. He was adorable and I just wanted to hug him and hold him. He was a really smart kid. Benji just watched him a few minutes. He was overcome with emotion. How could he not be?

We had to leave him in the room again with the other children, and Benji looked over his shoulder at him as we walked out.

"Just like that?" Mr. Carpenter asked. "They just get to take him home."
Benji cleared his throat, freeing his tears. "You said we had to do a blood test?"
Miss Dunn nodded. "There are some release papers and other things, but basically he can go home with you tonight. Tomorrow we will do the paternity and background checks, but I'm sure that's all fine."
"But…" Her brother began, but didn't know how to finish.
"Isn't he a drug addict?" Georgie's mother pointed out.

I almost laughed. She obviously read the rags.

"I'm not a drug addict. I don't even take drugs."
"It was in all the magazines. That you were addicted to pain killers" She crossed her arms as if she was proving us wrong.
"Benji, is not a drug addict. Believe me I'd know."
"Why would they say something like that?"
"Because they're the media." I pointed out, annoyed. "They lie, they make stuff up so people like you will believe it and start talking shit."
"He is an alcoholic." Her brother pointed out.

"Yeah, he is a recovering alcoholic." I admitted. "But this is petty and stupid. Isn't this about Ben, and his well-being?"

I was getting worked up and angry. If her mother said another word I was liable to start swinging and I'm not the violent type. I'm usually just a yeller. Benji put his hand on my shoulder.

"WE are going to do the paper work and YOU are going to say goodbye to your grandson." Benji said pointedly.
"Listen here, young…"
"NO, you listen here! I love your daughter and we, ME AND HER, had a child. And I missed out on 5 years and I regret that even though it isn't my fault. But he's my son and I'm going to raise him, and there's nothing you can do to stop me." Benji explained fiercely.

He was right and I stood by his every word. But when he said 'I love your daughter' he was just saying that right? He meant 'loved', right? He didn't…couldn't…still love….Georgie?
***

Part 3
We finished signing paper after paper. There was a lot of information they needed from us. Stuff I wasn't sure I even knew. I couldn't really concentrate with Ben out there a few doors away. I bet he was scared. I mean, I was scared, but he was 5.

"Miss Dunn, do you know how Georgie died?"
"Excuse me?"
"Well I mean, where was Ben when they found her?"
"Mr. Madden…"Miss Dunn said slowly. "Ben found her. He's the one who called 911."
"He…Ben did?" I gasped. I shut my eyes painfully. Jessa whimpered.

"She took vodka, vicodan and Zoloft before she went to sleep and when Ben woke up he found her." She explained.
"But how did he know…"
"He got scared and called 911, he said his mom couldn't wake up."

I shuddered. My poor little boy. How could she do this? Do that to him?

"Is he okay?" I was suddenly worried.
"Ben…he seems to be in denial." She explained. "He doesn't act like his mom is dead. I was told he didn't cry at her funeral."

I didn't feel well. Georgie was actually dead, she had left our son all alone. I wished she had told me. I wish I knew him. I wish she said it when she saw me on my birthday 2 years ago, maybe she wouldn't be dead now. Maybe Ben would be happy. Maybe I would be happy.

It was weird. I think I missed Georgie. Sure I had when we broke up, but this was different. She was dead, gone, forever. It wasn't like I was in love with her…I just…missed her, suddenly. Missed her because I had a reminder of her forever.

"Alright, all of this is in working order." She smiled. "We will request the background check which should take us about a week…"
"We have to stay in Maryland until then?" Jessa asked.
"Well yes, until the paternity is positive and background checks cleared, you will need to remain in the state with the child." She explained. "You do have a place to stay?"
"Yeah, we're staying with my mom." I told her.
"Oh, well good. Believe me you don't need to be frightened, unless you've been in prison, I'm sure you'll be on your way home next week." She smiled again. "I will need the address, I'll have to check on you."

I nodded and scrawled my mom's address on the notebook paper she laid in front of me.

"Now, we can get Benjamin…"
"Ben!" I corrected.
"Ben." She nodded.

We went out into the lobby and back down the hall to the day care. Ben was on the floor with the Lego's still. He sat Indian style randomly connecting them and making the little Lego man hop up the tower. I grinned. Maybe I'd get him some Lego's to play with at mom's house.

"Ben." Miss Dunn called.

He turned and looked up at us. I couldn't help smiling at him, he stared at me. Talk about the cold shoulder.

"Hey, Ben, you ready to go?" Jessa knelt to him again.
"Can I take the Lego's?" he asked her.
"Sorry, they don't belong to us."

He looked over his shoulder sadly at the Lego's. He went to his knees and picked up Lego man.

"Bye Lego dude, I'll miss you." he gave the Lego a wave and set him back on the floor. He picked up a Spiderman backpack and slung it on his back.

I held my hand out to him, he ignored it and stood behind Jessa. She looked at me and shrugged.

"Do you wanna hold my hand Ben?" she asked.

He shook his head no and followed her closely instead. It made me sad. Didn't he like me? did I look weird or smell funny. He seemed to like Jess, though.

"Do you like Spiderman?" I tried, I used to like when grown-ups asked me about my favorite stuff. Ben didn't even look up.
"What's your name?" he asked Jessa as he walked closer beside her.
"Jessa."

He nodded.
***
I think he liked me. He didn't seem very enthused about Benji though, maybe it's because I'm a girl. Maybe he isn't very used to guys.

"Are you hungry Ben?" Benji tried anyway.

He ignored him. I felt bad for Benji. It was HIS son and he wouldn't even look at him.

"Where's your house, Jessa?"
"We live in California, but we're going to your Grama's house."
"I don't like my Grama, she makes me wear itchy clothes and she smells funny." He shouted.
"Not that Grama, my mom." Benji explained.

Ben stared at him again.

"You're going to like her." I assured. Ben nodded again.
"Do you have any food?"
"We can have dinner when we get to the house." I told him and smiled.
"I'm hungry." He said plainly.

We reached the rental car. I opened the door for Ben and he began to climb in, struggling with the backpack. Benji started helping him and grabbed his backpack.

"LET GO, THAT'S MINE!!" Ben screamed at Benji. "DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF!!"

Benji let go and stood back. He didn't know what to do. Ben tossed his bag in the car and finished climbing in. He reached and shut the door behind him. Benji looked at me, uneasily.

"Jess…"
I nodded. "It'll get better. He doesn't know you Benj."

He nodded and walked around the other side of the car to get into the other back seat. I took my place behind the wheel. Seeing Ben eye Benji as he buckled his seat belt, Ben dragged his bag into his lap, hugging it to himself.

"You don't have to be afraid of me, Ben."

Ben didn't say anything, he stared straight ahead. I sighed and frowned at Benji through the rearview.
***
My mom was all over him. As expected she went into to detail about how much Ben looked like me and Joel when we were his age. She had dinner all ready and Isabel was fast asleep. She was wonder woman.

Ben sat next to Jessa at the table. He kept staring at me, but wouldn't talk to me at all. It hurt. Maybe this was all a mistake. Maybe he'd be better off with Richie and Tori, they've got a couple kids, I bet he'd fit in fine. I didn't want Ben to be unhappy. I'm sure he'd had his life's worth of unhappiness already and in just a few short days too.

"Joel, called. He's worried sick Benjamin, why isn't your phone turned on?" my mom grilled.
"Don't worry, I'll talk to him."
"Benjamin!"
"I will, I promise Mom. Can I be excused?" I asked pushing aside my quarter eaten plate.

She sighed and rolled her eyes.

"I guess so, but if your hungry late—"
"Thanks mom." I kissed her cheek as I started to leave, heading for the garage.
"Where are you going?" Jessa asked.
"I have some old stuff stored here. I'll be in the garage." I explained.

I left quickly, overhearing my mom ask Ben if he wanted to help her bake cookies. Now I might not have eaten too much dinner, but there's always a place in my belly for cookies, especially homemade cookies.

I switched on the dim lights and quickly found my stack of boxes. I had a lot of shit. A lot of old memories stored in those boxes. After mulling over it a few seconds I went over and reached up to take a box, pain shot up my right leg and the box toppled. I grabbed my hip and bit my lip to stifle my cry. God damn it. I was never going to be the same again, was I? The pain wasn't going to go away. I felt like an old man.

I squatted to look inside the box and I felt something in my pocket. I realized the letter was still in my pocket. The letter Romano had handed me. I had completely forgotten. I opened the envelope and read.

Dear Benji, This must be weird right, a letter from the beyond? You're probably really pissed off at me aren't you? well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry I gave up. I was gonna tell you, I was. But I hurt you really bad and you left. Then, I went to see you a few years ago, but I chickened out, I didn't want to admit to you what a failure I was.

She was right, it was weird reading a letter from a dead woman.

I was a terrible mother. I really was. I neglected him. I left him with strangers. I slept with weird men to get drugs. I drank, I smoked and I swore around him. I'm sorry. I loved him, I swear to God I did. But I hated you and I took it out on our innocent little boy. He deserved a lot better than I could give him. I knew that. I hurt myself thinking about what I fuck up I was, what a fuck up he would grow up to be with me.
I left him to you Benj, you and Jessa. You'd be a great father, I know it. That's what you always wanted. You'll take care of him, and raise him right. He'll be happy and have all the things he needs and wants.

Why was she so stupid? Why did she lie to me? why did I hurt her? maybe if I hadn't, none of this would have happened. I would have married Georgie and had Ben, but then I wouldn't have Jess or Isabel. I felt confused. My love and my regrets spinning in my head. I kept reading.

My parents aren't an option, Benj. They almost disowned me. They called me a fuck up, said they couldn't believe I was pregnant. Richie was there as much as could be, but he was disappointed in me all the time. I don't think my parents will care where Ben goes, and I don't want him around them, but you’re his dad and you're a lot more forgiving. If you want him to, then do it. Richie's probably mad at you too. But just remember who he really is. He'll come around, and he's the one that kept Ben fed and clothed most of the time. And Ben likes his cousins, I think.
Ben's a really great kid, Benj, hard to believe he came from you and me. You won't believe how smart he is. He's smarter than me. He looks just like you, he acts like you, he's just like you. I'm glad he didn't inherit anything from me.
I feel weird writing this…I wonder when you'll read this? Or if you'll ever read it. maybe I'll make it. maybe I'll get better and I'll tell you.

God. I hate this, I hate this feeling.

I hated you for a long time, but it was only because I loved you. I know that doesn't make sense, but I did love you. I do love you as I write this. I hope that Jessa makes you happy. I saw her on TV this morning. She's really pretty Benji (exactly the girl you'd go for). she seems really nice too. She was talking about little kids, about how amazing they are when they learn new things and everything, so maybe she'll be a good mother for Ben. She'll be a good mother when you have kids with her.

Jessa IS a great mother. I was happy Ben really liked her. He trusted her and she just embraced him. Not even a second thought about what she should do, she just did the mother thing. It was what made me love her so much, her unconditional love. The way, no matter what, she understood.

Please don't let him forget me. Please. Please tell him that I love him. that I did want him. that we loved each other when we made him, even if that isn't true. Please tell him that I did what I did because I love him, and I wanted him to have a better life.
I'm really sorry. You don't have to forgive me, and I guess you don't have to do anything I asked, because I'm the one who fucked up and killed myself. I didn't know what else to do. I was scared. I felt so alone Benji. all I had was my baby and I was no good to him. take care of him, raise him to be the man that I feel in love with. Please.
I love you,
Georgie

I don't know what I was supposed to feel now. She gave up. Just like that. I always thought Georgie was strong. She endured a lot, that was for sure, but I was the one who gave up, not her. It was like Jess. I was the one that broke on occasion, but Jessa was solid. I thought Georgie was solid.

I was about to burst into tears, thinking about her. It'd been a long time, a very long time. I went back to the floor and looked at the spilled contents. A few dogged books, Catcher in the Rye, The Shining. I oughtta take one for the plane ride home. A metal box covered in stickers containing dorky keychains I collected on our first tour. And some postcards from Momma, Aunt Jule, Georgie, I resisted the urge to read her's. mom's said the same thing mom's ever say. "I love you, I miss you, call me. I love Joel too, take care of him. brush your teeth, be godly and pray Benjamin. Love momma." That was the basic gist.

I laughed to myself when I started finding really old pictures, ones I let slip by. I'd taken most of the stuff with me when I went west coast, but there was like 6 boxes of stuff I didn't need, didn't want, reminded me of Georgie. I remember Joel helping me burn a bunch of sappy meaningless I love you letters in the fireplace, but I still had a lot of stuff. I was a pack rat and kept really odd stuff.

I came across my senior yearbook and rolled my eyes at the huge Rancid sticker clinging to the front. I flipped through the pages idly, laughing at all the jocks Joel drew into women, Lilly's hot pink lipstick print over Paul's dorky picture. One big section where Billy drew a huge Good Charlotte logo and my stupid sketch of the crown tattoo that ended up on my right shoulder. It was apparent that at 18 I lacked drawing skills.

I set it aside and continued in the box. Then I heard he door open and looked behind me at my wife entering with Ben wrapped around her, shaking.
***
After dinner, Ben and I went into the living room. Isabel was sleeping in a makeshift pillow bed on the floor. We turned on the TV and found cartoons. I laid down next to my baby girl. Her pacifier stuck out from her lips, she was so cute. I craned my head up to look at Ben and once satisfied he was okay, focused on the TV. Isabel started whining as her pacifier dropped from her lips.

"What. Is. That?" Ben's eyebrows raised.
"This is Isabel."
"What's an Izzybel?"
Jessa chuckled. "She's your baby sister. C'mere and say hi."

He came over and crouched down. He stared at her. Isabel smiled and giggled. She began drooling and sticking her fingers in her mouth. She reached up and touched Ben's arm. He made a face.

"I don't want one." He stepped away from her, rubbing her spit from his arm. "That's gross."

I smiled and picked her up.

"Aww, Ben, she likes you."
"I don't like her, give her back!" He sneered.
"Now, Ben, you're gonna have to get used to her. We can't give her back."

He crossed his arms and sat on the couch. I sighed. He'd take some time adjusting to this. We'd have to be patient. I sat next to him as I started feeding Isabel. He became transfixed with Spongebob, occasionally looking over at Isabel and making a face.

I was worried. About Ben, about Benji, about me and Benji. I couldn't pretend this wasn't going to affect us. He said he loved Georgie, as if he still did, as if he didn't mean a long time ago, before me. That freaked me out. More than him having a son, more than any of this. Thinking Benji could still possibly be in love with someone that wasn't me made me hurt inside. Made me jealous.

"When is Georgia coming back?" I popped out of my daze to find Ben staring intently at me.
"What?"
"When is Georgia coming back?" he repeated.
"Sweetheart she isn't."
"But she's asleep. She's gotta wake up." He insisted.

It broke my heart, because he didn't understand.

"Ben, your mommy is gone. She's not coming back." I gently explained.
"But I saw her. She's just sleeping." His eyes grew wide and they began welling with tears.

I almost cried at the same time, I laid Isabel back on her blanket and huddle of pillows. He stood there with the most shocked scared face I've ever seen on a child.

"Is Mommy dead?" He whispered.

I didn't want to nod or say yes, partly because I knew that he had figured it out and partly because I didn't want to see his heart break. He sobbed, shoulders and chest rising rapidly. I hugged him close to me as he cried. He made sucking air sounds as he whimpered. I rubbed his back to soothe him.

"Shh, baby, shh, everything's gonna be okay." I cooed as he reached his arms as far around me as he could manage. I stood up, trembling under his weight slightly, then adjusting and going through the kitchen and into the garage where Benji was going through a box of his old stuff.

"Jess?" he turned as I walked in, mouth hanging open when he saw Ben wrapped around me.

"What happened?" he asked worriedly.

I put Ben on the floor and he wiped his eyes with his arm.

"Benj, do you have a picture of his mom?" I asked.

The look he gave me was almost scared. He swallowed and then nodded slowly.

"Yeah, yeah I gotta picture."

He leaned down into a box and shuffled through some photos albums and loose pictures. He pulled nearly everything out of the box and brought out a framed picture. He handed it to Ben.

"There. There's a picture of Georgie."

Ben stared at it a few seconds, little pout on his face.

"It's still framed." I said dumbfounded. It's not everyday you find out your husband has a picture of his ex, framed in a box.
"Yeah, it’s still framed." Benji nodded, he hung his head in a guilty fashion.

I tried to ignore the tears forming in my own eyes and turned to Ben. He stared at the picture intently.

"Sweetie you can keep that picture if you want to." I told him, but part of me wanting to break the glass into a zillion pieces.

Ben held the picture above his head and hurtled it at the concrete floor, smashing the frame and glass. He turned and ran inside past momma coming out to see the commotion.

He went upstairs into what would be his room for the next couple of nights.

"Ben?" I knocked softly. He was sitting Indian style on the bed, clutching his backpack to him. "Ben sweetie?"
"I wanna go home, Jessa." He sobbed to me.
"Honey, I know you do, but were your family…"
"NO!" he yelled. "NOOOOOO!"

"Alright, alright." Momma came in, she sat next to him. "It's time for special Grama magic."

She put on arm around his shoulder. She shooed me out.

"Go on Jess, it's time for me and Ben to spend some time together." She explained.
***
Momma had baked cookies with Ben and put him to bed. I retrieved Isabel from downstairs and she was sleeping in her stroller, which we laid flat and fixed like a bed.

I couldn't stop thinking about the picture of Georgie, Benji had. I know it was here and not at home. I know it wasn't like he looked at it all the time, but I was still jealous and hurt. Hurt that there could ever be anybody else. The door opened and Benji came in. I turned my back.

"Jess?"

I turned my back even more and hung my head.

"Jessa?" He asked with more concern. "Baby? What's the matter?"
"Benji, I….I've never…I thought you loved me."
"Excuse me? I love you more than anybody…you're Jessa!"
"But I heard you." I sobbed. "I heard you say how much you still loved her."
"Jessa…"
"I don't understand." I didn't. I really didn't, Benji was the only one I loved. I couldn't split my heart in two and do that.

"Baby, I don't love Georgie. I never said that."
"Yes, you did. you said 'I love your daughter.'"
"I did?" he looked puzzled. "Babe, I couldn't have meant that. I don't love her anymore. I love you, come on, you know that."
"I do?"
"Jess! You should. I mean, I married you, we have a baby together. I love you." He put his hand on my shoulder.

"You have a baby with her too." I pointed out, feeling awful inside for sounding so mean.
"That doesn't mean I love her still." He explained calmly. "I did love her before, but not now."

He sat down next to me and draped an arm around my shoulders.

"Why are you acting like this, babe?"

I got defensive, wasn't I allowed to be hurt and jealous of someone who still obviously had a role in his life. Someone who still had little pieces of his heart that should belong to me alone.

"Acting like this? Do you think this is all easy to accept?" I stood up. "Because it's not. It's not easy to be ok with your husband by himself in the garage looking at pictures of his ex-girlfriend."
"She just died, Jessa." He pointed out, with a disgusting sneer.
"That's supposed to make it better?"
"I am going to miss her, it's not like I can just not care that she's gone."
"You're going to miss her?" The words stung. "Have you always missed her?"
"Babe, like it or not, she's always gonna be a part of me because of Ben."

I shut my eyes painfully and looked away from him.

"Jessa, please don't…"
"What? Don't cry? And why not? My HUSBAND's in love with a dead woman!"
"For Christ's sake, I'm not in love with her." He yelled. "I was just going through my old stuff, she's part of my old stuff, Jess. I don't do this about Dylan."
"Oh my God!" I threw my hands in the air. "So you’re going to turn this on me? Dylan and I don't have a son and he isn't dead, but you can sure as hell believe I wouldn't run off and start reading his old love letters when he is."
"I'm not doing this to hurt you…"
"But you are hurting me and you don't care." I sobbed.

"Fuck, I didn't know this was gonna happen. I didn't do anything wrong. Yeah I have old pictures and old stuff that reminds me of her, but I'm not in love with her. We don't have anything, except a son."
"Yeah, I'm sure." I crossed my arms and shook my head.
"Why are you acting like this Jess, what do you want me to do? Leave Ben with the Carpenters? So you don't get jealous that I could possibly have had sex with someone else?"

My eyes went wide with astonishment.

"You're an asshole."
"I don't know what you want from me! What do you want Jess, what?!" He stood up now too raving like a mad man. Isabel started crying.

"You bought her diamonds and gold…" I don't even know why I mentioned that, why that bothered me.
"Is this about jewelry?" He shouted. "You want diamonds? I'll buy you fucking diamonds and rubies. 5 carat eyesores alright? Big fucking expensive ugly bracelets if that's what you want Jess."
"No."
"I'll give you whatever you want, anything! I'll do anything you want me to, baby, but I don't know what you want."
"I want you to leave me alone." I turned my back on him again and picked up Isabel screaming from her bed.

I heard him sigh loudly and slap his hands against his legs, then the door opened and slammed behind him and he creaked downstairs. I looked down at Isabel and cried.
***
"Benjamin?" My mom peaked out of her door as I headed towards the stairs.
"It's alright now, mom."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, yeah, go back to sleep."

I hated fighting with Jessa. HATED IT. I didn't even know what we were fighting about. Why did life always have to be so complicated. It felt like we weren't allowed to be happy for more than a couple of hours. I grabbed the cookie jar and went into the living room.

Crickets chirped outside and I could hear a boat chain knock against the dock in the distance. I sighed and reached for the phone. I dialed Joel's house, it was around 9 over there, but I didn't care if they were trying to put Sam to sleep. After a ring and a half, it was picked up.

"Benji! what's wrong?" It was Alex.
"Lemme talk to Joel."
"You're making him crazy you know that?" She yelled at me.
I ignored her. "I really need to talk to him."
"Fine." I could hear her calling his name. A few seconds later he picked up.

"Dude, Benj, what's going on?" Joel sounded really worried. "You never called."
"I'm sorry. I've just been going through some stuff."
"What kind of stuff?" he asked. "Are you and Jess okay?"

That twin thing was freaky.

"I've had the weirdest feeling about you lately Benj." He admitted.
"Yeah, well I've been feeling…weird."
"Benj?"
I sighed. "Georgie's dead. She killed herself."
"What? Oh my God. Are you okay? Did you find out when you got there?"
"It's the reason I came out. It happened a few days ago." "
You went home for Georgie? How's Jessa taking that?"

I took a deep breath. This was a hard thing to explain.

"Joel, remember when I told you she was pregnant and lost the baby?"
"Georgie? Yeah." He sounded confused.

I took another deep breath. This shouldn't be something hard to tell my twin brother.

"She didn't lose the baby." I finished.
"But…then..OH MY God!"
"I have a 5-year-old son, named Ben."
"Oh God! Benj…I mean…oh my God." Joel was stunned but no one compared to me.

"What happens now? I mean, have you met him Benj? Do you get to see him or what happens?"
"Georgie left me full custody in her will." I explained. "He's here with us now at mom's."
"Just like that?"
"That's what I said, but they do a blood test and Jessa and I are being investigated by CPS."
"Really? Investigated?"
"Making sure we're fit parents and stuff. We can't leave Maryland until they're done."

Joel was quiet a few seconds. Finally, I heard him sigh.

"This is unreal Benj." I knew he was shaking his head. "He's 5 years old?"
"He just finished kindergarten." I said.

"How's Jessa with all this?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"We just got into a huge fight." I told him. "She thinks I'm in love with Georgie. Ben really likes her though, she adores him."
"Are you in love with Georgie?"
"Joel! God, no…"
"I'm just saying Benj, I mean it's not like you ever got closure from that break up and now you suddenly have your's and her son and she died. It's gotta be rough, it'd be understandable if it seemed like you loved her."
"Yeah?"

"Come on, I bet it's making you think of back then. And Jessa sees you thinking about this other woman…she's bound to be jealous. I mean, think about it Benj." Joel explained.
"But it's not 'another woman,' it's a dead one."
"That doesn't matter. The fact that you're paying attention to a woman who isn't Jessa is gonna hurt her."
"Where'd you learn so much Joely?"
"I've had a lot of girlfriends." He joked. "Come on, see this from Jess's point of view. Your married to her and you just had a baby and now there's a whole part of your life that doesn't deal with her."
"I guess so."

Joel was right, and I knew that. I couldn't help myself in thinking about it though, but I didn't want to hurt Jessa. I loved her, I wanted her to be with me.

"What's he like, Benj?"
"Ben?" I asked. "He's…he doesn't like me. He won't talk to me or look at me, but he really likes Jessa."
"Oh yeah. Maybe he just needs some time. He just lost his mom. You can't blame him for being distant."
"Yeah…but I just want to hug him and stuff, but he won't let me near him."

"When do you get back?"
"Whenever they finish the blood work and investigation. Next week I hope."
"Do you know how you're going to tell everyone else?"
"I haven't really thought about anything."
"Do you want me to?" Joel asked. "Cause I will. Make sure everyone gives you some space."
"You could do that? I don't know if Ben will want to meet anybody for a while. I'm sure California will be shock enough."

"Yeah." He sighed. "Do you need anything else?"
"Could you go feed Cash and Lennon, please…we just left in a hurry yesterday."
"Sure," I'm sure he smiled. "Don't worry so much Benj, it's all gonna work out. Jessa will forgive you. I'll see ya soon."
"Alright talk to you later."
"K, bye." He said. "Love ya, bro."
"Love you too. Night Joel."
***
I climbed into bed next to her. I reached over and hugged her.

"I'm sorry baby." I whispered and kissed her cheek.
"I know." she turned around and kissed my lips. "I'm sorry too."

She wrapped her arms around me and laid her head on my chest. After a few minutes she started nuzzling my neck. Then she started kissing my neck and licking my earlobes. My body relaxed to her touches.

"Let's make love." She whispered to me. Running her hand under my shirt.

And I wanted to, I did, but something about my mother being a few doors down hindered me.

"But, Jess…"
"No buts Benji."
"This is my mom's house."
"Benj, we're married, your mother understands."
"But she's MY MOM!"
"You had no problem fucking me at my parents house…in the afternoon…BEFORE we were married!"
"Jessa!"
"What is the big deal?!" she yelled at me.
"I'm just embarrassed, we'll be home soon."
"Yeah, whatever." She turned over.

I sighed.

"Baby, please don't be upset."
"Why shouldn't I be?" she yelled.
"God, please, let's not do this again."
"Yeah, fine, whatever."
"Jess…
"Whatever Benji, I'm going to get some sleep."

I sighed defeated.

"I love you."

Jessa didn't say anything.
***

Part 4
It had been 3 quiet, tense, horrible days since we fought. Nothing had ever gone on this long between us. I didn't know what I could do to let her know I loved her, only her. She barely said two words to me and Ben was the same. I got him some Lego's yesterday but he seemed weary of actually playing with them. It's because they were from ME. He still hadn't said a word to me or acknowledged me.

I've never felt so alone. Mom was at work and Jessa's fingers were flying over the keyboard of her laptop. Maybe she'd been having cyber sex with some freak from Arkansas. Ben sat next to her eating pb&j and I had Isabel in her carrier at my feet. I rocked it with my foot. I still had her. She didn't hate me. I picked her up and she made little Isabel noises. I smiled. I'd always have my baby girl.

"Hey Jess?" I came into the kitchen.
"Hmm…" She didn't look up from the screen.
"I think I'm gonna take Isabel for a walk."
"Huh?"
"Ya know, around the neighborhood?"
"Oh, yeah, sure." She looked up and smiled. "Why don't you go Ben?"

He gave me an up and down. He shook his head.

"No."
"Please, Ben. Daddy wants to spend time with you." Jessa told him.
"So?" He crossed his arms.

He was never going to like me. EVER.

"Ben, he is your dad and…"
"Jess, don't force him." I jumped in. "It's fine. If you want to come with me, Ben, you can, but you don't have to."

He didn't say anything and hopped off the chair and went into the living room. I looked at Jess to say I told you so.

"He will come around Benj."
"Sure." I adjusted Isabel in my arms. "I think I'm just gonna go out back."
"Alright." She went back to her computer screen. I sighed. She was more interested in that voiceless, emotionless metal case than me. Walking through the living room I noticed Ben fiddling with his backpack. He slipped it onto his back, sat on the floor and started building one long straight tower out of Lego's. I smiled. Maybe she was right.

The air was so clear and warm outside. It was clean here, not like LA with all that smog. I walked carefully down the steps with Isabel, around the side and to the small garden momma had. It was in full bloom and it looked gorgeous. There was a wooden deck chair next to the gardenias and I took a seat. Isabel's fingers explored my face, once again finding my lip rings and pulling.

"Ow, baby, don't do that." I pulled her hand away. She rested her hand on my cheek. And I just looked at her. "You're so beautiful, you know that Iz?"

I played with her little fingers. She smiled at me, little indents in each cheek. Just like daddy. I picked up by her middle, raising her little ducky t-shirt and blowing a raspberry on her tummy. She giggled, a genuine real laugh. I did it again hearing her laugh, I loved that sound.

"Ah baby, why doesn't mommy know how much I love her?" I asked her as she pinched my nose and cheeks, making funny baby noises. "I love her so much. We made you, and you're perfect."

It hurt me, thinking she was mad at me or that she didn't think I loved her as much as she loved me. Which wasn't true. I loved her more than she loved me. We were interviewed yesterday by CPS. It wasn't too bad and she held my hand, but I still felt like…like…she didn't want to.

We passed the background check and interview with flying colors and the blood work would be in this afternoon. After that we could make our travel arrangements to go home. I was a nervous wreck about it. Ben moving across the country. No momma, no homemade cookies, no uncle Richie (who had stopped by yesterday to bring me some of Ben's stuff, school record, shots, whatever. He wasn't nearly as angry as a few days ago, but he was still hurt that he wasn't going to see his nephew.) It was just gonna be me, Jess, Isabel and Ben.
***
I didn't want to go home still mad at Benji, but the blood work came back a few hours ago perfectly positive and I was still mad. I wanted to hear him say I was the only one he ever really loved and that wasn't going to happen. Because I wasn't the only person he'd ever loved. I'd never been so jealous before, I've never felt threatened. I was beginning to think I freaked out, but something kept the jealous feeling coming back.

I put Isabel to sleep upstairs and went back down as quickly as I could. I knew neither Benji or Ben would be comfortable alone. Momma'd be home soon and I could talk to Benji possibly. I started around the corner when Ben finally approached Benji, after a long quiet 3 days. He sat right next to him on the couch. I held back and just watched.

"I know you. Georgia showed me your picture once." He said simply. Benji was dumbfounded. "You look like me."

"Ben, I'm your daddy. I made you."
"But how come…um…" He got shy again and looked at his feet.
"Go ahead, pal." Benji urged.
"How come my mo- Georgia said that…that you didn't like me." Ben looked him in the eye as he spoke.
"Oh, Ben…" I could tell Benji was getting emotional. "Listen…your mom, Georgia, she…I'm sure she…"
"Georgia is a liar." Ben muttered and watched his toes again. "I'm glad she left."

Benj grabbed his wrist and forced him into his lap. As he did, I know he spotted me out of the corner of his eye. Ben didn't protest to his dad and continued staring at him as he spoke.

"Ben! Don't you ever say that. Your mom told you a lot of things she shouldn't have and she did a lot of things that I'm positive she didn't really mean to do. But she was your mom and she raised you up until now. I don’t want you to hate her or be happy that she's gone okay?"
"But I don't like her."
"Ben…"
"Do you love my mom?"
"Uh…" Benji looked over at me and then back at Ben. "I did."

He looked me in the eye as he explained to Ben. "I used to love her, a long time ago, but just because I don't love her doesn't mean I don't love you. I want you to understand that. I love Jessa, she's my wife and…and your step-mom." I blushed inspite of myself.
"Jessa's nice." Ben nodded.
"Of course Jessa's nice. Oh you should try her cooking." Benji moved his hand animatedly.
"She makes the best food you've ever tasted. And she's just so gorgeous."

He knew he was just icing the cake now. He knew that didn't matter to Ben. He looked over and grinned at me. I smiled back.

"Benji?" Ben asked.
"What's up?"
"When are we going to your house?"
"Tomorrow night."
"Do I have to go?" he asked innocently.

Benji half smiled and set Ben on his feet.

"Ben, I know it's different and scary and I know you're gonna miss Annapolis, but California isn't so bad. You've got me and Jess and Isabel. It's got great whether and we can go to the beach and you can have your own room."
"My own room?" his eyes went wide.
"Uh huh. And you know what else is in California?"

Ben shook his head. It was like they'd been this close all along.

"Disneyland!"

Benji said the magic word. Ben's mouth dropped open and he stared bug eyed at Benji for a few minutes. It must really be the most magical place on earth. I grinned and came all the way into the living room.

"Jessa, do you know what’s in California?" He sounded happier than I'd ever heard him.
"What?" I asked, almost laughing at his delight.
"DISNEYLAND!" He said incredulously. "Can we go there?"
"Sure." I smiled.

"Well, everyone sure is smiles." Momma came in dropping her bag on an arm chair.
"Grama, we’re gonna go to DISNEYLAND!" Ben announced.
"That's wonderful sweetheart." She sighed.

Ben looked around at all of us as if waiting to see if we had something more for him.

"You can go play Ben." I told him.

He raced back upstairs to get his Lego's.

"So, he's talking to you, I take it?" Momma asked Benji.
"It's the weirdest thing, he just started talking like it was the most natural thing in the world." He smiled.
"He was probably just shy, honey."
"I guess so."
"Do you mind if we have McDonalds for dinner? Work kinda wore me out." She shut her eyes a few seconds.
"It's no problem. I can cook." I smiled.
"Oh, no, I don't want you to worry about this stuff while you’re here, you’re a guest."
"Oh, please."
"Actually, I kinda want some fries." Benji added.

I looked over at him. He made the puppy face. I rolled my eyes.

"Alright, I guess we can go to Mickey D's" I acquiesced. "I'll go."

Momma headed upstairs to relax, leaving Benji and I alone. I looked over at him, frowning into his chocolate eyes. He sat back and opened his arm, motioning me to the empty space. I took it letting him close his arm around me and softly kiss my forehead. I twined my arm around his back and hugged him as well.
***
After having sat with Benji, wrapped in his arms for a while, a cute, romantic, dare I say, PERFECT idea formed in my naughty little head. I went to get food and my plan took even more shape when I saw the lingerie boutique across the street. I tried my best not give it away when I saw Benji. I had to talk to his mom first.

"Uh, Robin?" I peaked into her bedroom.
"Jessa?" She turned from her vanity to look at me.
"I…"
"You've never called me Robin?" She looked at me. "Is everything, okay?"
"I was um…I was wondering." I felt the blush rising to my cheeks. I wasn't sure I could do this.

"Yes?" she urged when I paused.
"I was wondering if you…uh..if you could watch Ben and Isabel tonight?"
"Sure, why not?" She smiled. It didn't make my blush disappear. "What are you and Benji doing?"
"W-well…I kinda, uh, I…" I stuttered and stumbled over the words. "I thought I might, um, surprise Benji."
"What do you mean?" She asked eyeing me closer.

There was no way I could turn back. I had to tell her we weren't going to be here.

"I ummmm, I made a res-reservation for us at a hotel and…" Jesus, I knew I was flaming red. Momma smiled at me.
"It's okay…I think I understand." She whispered to me knowingly. I smiled nervously. "Husbands and wives need a little time to themselves. It's not like you'll always have a built in babysitter. So go ahead, have fun."

I nodded my head, but knew I was still beet red. It's hard to ask your mother-in-law 'permission' to take her son out and fuck his brains out, which was my full intention. I was watering at the thought. Now to tell Benji.

He was at the kitchen table with Ben, Lego's spilt over the surface. Were they actually playing? I felt so happy. Ben was building and Benji tried to help, but Ben snatched the Lego's from him and sneered.

"Hey, Ben, can I help?" Benji asked.
"I can do it." Ben answered, rearranging the blocks to that the greens were with the greens, reds with reds.
"I used to like Lego's too." Benji simply regaled in Ben listening to him. "Me and Joel would sit in the basement for hours."
"Who's Joel?" Ben looked at him a second, but quickly reverted back to his stubborn blocks. "Come apart, stupid things!" he banged them on the table in frustration.

"Here." Benji gently coaxed them from Ben's hands and pulled them apart as I came into the room.

Benji smiled at me as he handed Ben his blocks. I matched it.

"What are you guys up to?"
"Playin' Lego's." Ben said matter-of-factly. "Where's my LEGO DUDE!?"

I laughed watching Benji kneel down on the floor and retrieve the fallen man.

"There you go, bud." Benji set it on the table. Ben hugged the little man and put him safely in his pocket.

I come hithered Benji to the inner kitchen. He smiled curiously.

"Did you see Jess? He was talking to me and everything."
"I know, it's great baby."
"Is something wrong?"
"Not at all." I grinned.
"Then what's up?"

I crooked my arm around his neck and pulled his face to mine.

"Jess?" he chuckled.
"I asked your mom to watch the kids tonight and I made us a reservation at a hotel." I explained.
"A-a hotel, Jess?"
"Yeah, so we can be alone." I gave him my sexiest look.

"OH!" His eyes seemed to light up and I could only imagine what he was thinking internally. Something along the lines of me and him engaging in acts that would make Tommy Lee blush, I'm sure. My mind wandered again to the cute lingerie in the bag under the bed upstairs. I couldn't wait to see Benji's face when he saw me in it. I felt myself moisten at the thought. Wow was I horny or what?

"So when do we leave?" he wagged his eyebrows. I giggled, he was just as hot for it as I was.
"Very shortly, m'dear." I winked.
***
"What is it about hotel's?" Benji mused at the pale blue walls and deep blue bedspread.
"They're so…I dunno, such a turn on."
"Mmm, it's just cause your with me." I wrapped my arms around his neck and sucked his metal into my mouth.
"That's probab--." His words got lost as he moaned against my mouth.

He ran his hands up and down my sides. We were both horny as hell and we knew it, too.

"Ok, hold on, I have something." I pulled from his lips.
"What kind of something?"
"It's a surprise." I said seductively. "So lie back, get comfortable."
"Is it gonna be a bumpy night?" He joked.
"It's gonna be SOME night, believe you me."
"Ooo."

I slipped into the bathroom and stripped. I pulled the sexy articles from the small bag I packed and put them on. I looked myself over in the mirror. It was a very short babydoll, black, of course, made of a thin soft see-thru lace and black satin ribbons crossing over my back with satin boycut's to match. I was hot and Benji was going to jump me as soon as I went out there.

"Jeeeeessssaaa! I'm ready!" He called. I grinned and swung the door open. His mouth dropped. "J-J-Jessa!"

I grinned and walked eagerly towards him. He had gotten down to his boxers, his sexy tattoos standing out against the white of his skin. I had to admit that even though I was a big fan of all his chubbiness, the slightly undernourished Benji looked pretty good.

"Ohhh…baby." He gasped. He leaned forward on his knees at the end of the bed, cupping my face in his hand, he kissed me.
I giggled at the way he was making me feel. "I've got something for you too."
"This isn't for me?" he laughed, lips dashing to my shoulders and peppering all over.

I pulled out the sexy black silk boxers and presented them to him.

"For me?"
"For ME!" I grinned.
"You know we’re taking this all off, right?" He asked, as he stripped down replacing the worn white cotton ones with the ones I gave him. "Hey, babe…we match."
"I know." I answered and beckoned him to the chaise.

"You wanna do it here?" He asked.
"I wanna do it everywhere."
"Ooo, that's my girl." He grinned, leaning in and kissing my neck.

My man wasn't one to wait around, he got right down to business and the underwear didn't stay on long before they were tossed across the room. He sat me on the chaise, kneeling at my side and kissing down my thighs. He lifted the skirt of my top and kissed my naked stomach, the lace draped over his head like a veil.

"Mmmmm, so wet." He murmured as his hands wandered seeking out sweet spots making me weak all over. "Spread your legs, baby."

I felt his tongue, wet against the skin of my inner thigh. I shut my eyes with pleasure, muscles contracting and feeling myself get wetter. He dragged his tongue slowly over my lips, then licking his own. It entered me, brushing my clit back and forth like a switch, sending sensations through my middle. He smiled as I moaned and blew a stream of cool air over the heat consuming me. I bucked my hips and tangled my fingers in his hair as he repeated the motion again and again. My legs idly slid up and down his back, toes curling and tensing with every wave of gratification.

"Stop, stop, stop, Benji. please!" I begged. "I'm coming."
"MMM, in that case." He got up and grinned, running his thumbs over my nipples. Slipping the lace off my breasts to full expose them.
"Oww." I winced. "Benj, don't."
"Hmm? What?" He stopped.
"They're sensitive."
"Awww." He smiled and leaned down to take one breast in between his lips.
"No, no, no, don't do that…" I tried but he already had. "You're gonna make me leak!"

He sucked gently and then quickly pulled away. I laughed.

"Did you get milk?"
Benji licked his lips. "Not so bad."
I waved my finger at him "No, not for Benji!" I scolded. "That's your daughter's breakfast."

He grinned and joined me on the chaise. He was sucking and nipping at my neck, hand snaking around and holding me to him. I rubbed my hand down his back and rubbed him through the silky boxers. He lost balance at the sensation and we both went tumbling to the carpet.

I giggled, we were acting like horny teenagers. Benji groaned. One look at his face made me realize he didn't think this was so funny. His eyes were squeezed shut with pain.

"Baby?" I asked sympathetically cupping his cheek. "Are you okay?"
He shook his head. "No." He moaned painfully.
"Oh, I'm sorry Benji." I got up and kneeled, taking his hand and helping him up. He teetered on his right leg.

"Your leg!" I realized, I felt so stupid, of course it still hurt him.

I sat him on the bed. Frowning slightly as I rubbed his hand, waiting for the pain to subside.

"I feel like such an old man." He rolled his eyes.
"What Benj, no, it's okay. Really."
"Next thing you know I won't be able to get it up."
"Baby, please! You're only 30-years-old!" I told him. "You have another 5 good years." I joked.

He smiled at me. "Promise you won't leave me for a younger more virile man when my dick's all shriveled up."
I giggled and held up my middle 3 fingers. "Girl scout's honor."
"You were a girl scout? Do you still have the uniform?"
"I don't think the girls will fit, babe." I pointed to my breasts as I laughed.
"Hey, I won't complain."

We laughed again and I leaned against him, gripping his hand tighter in mine.

"Does it still hurt, babe?"

Benji nodded slightly.

"Aww" I gave him the eyes. "Want Jessa to fix it? Don't worry Jessa's gonna make you feel so good."

I smiled and tugged his boxers down.
***
She took my cock in her mouth, rolling the head around with her tongue. She was right, she was making everything better. She sucked on the head, her tongue slightly brushing the slit. I screwed my eyes shut, letting her take full control, knowing she was gonna make me cum and she was gonna swallow it. She lightly massaged my balls as her lips sucked me off. I could feel it all starting to build up at the base.

"You're getting hard aren't you baby." She teased.

I whined wordlessly. It felt so good, Jessa was just amazing. I bucked my hips uncontrollably, when her hand pumped my rock hard dick. I moaned again, pain in my leg only a memory.

Just when I felt relief coming, ready to shoot, she stopped and straddled me. She rocked over me, my tip barely brushing along her seam. She looked down at me and bit down on her lip in anticipation. She was so cute when she was horny. I held her by each side of her hips, my thumbs making lazy circles on her thighs. She carefully shed her remaining clothing.

"Fuck me Jessa." I begged, taking my dick in my own hands. "Fuck me hard."

She moved my hands back to her hips and sat on it, groaning as I entered her. She felt tighter than I remembered. She adjusted to the feel of me inside her before riding me hard. She was still dripping wet as she rocked her hips over me.

"Oh, oh God, Jessa!" I groaned as she pushed on me harder. It was good, so good, but I wanted to pound into her and make her scream.

"St-stop." I groaned. "Let me be on top."

She lied down underneath me spreading her legs wide. I licked my fingers and rubbed over her pussy. She writhed. I grinned, grabbing her leg, lifting it up and holding it against me. I thrusted back in, hard, hearing her moan in surprise and appreciation. She cried out as I continued fucking her as hard as I could.

I began kissing and licking her leg as I was overcome with pleasure. I dipped my fingers inside her, rubbing her clit, making her moan and come all over me.

"Benji!" she moaned. "Oh, God yes!"
***
"Oh baby." He groaned.

I reached my hands up and grabbed hold of the head board. His fingers were working furiously as he thrusted hard into me. I felt like a porn star with my leg up in the air, although it was beginning to hurt. Benji moaned loudly, cursing and tossing his head back. I writhed beneath him as his come started coating my insides.

"Baby…Baby." He moaned again, thrusting until he was empty. "Fuck. I love you, I love you so fucking much right now."

He released my leg and withdrew, rolling off and lying next to me. I felt sore. I felt good too, but sore.

"Are you okay Jessa?" He must have noticed I had my eyes shut tight.
"I'll be okay." I took a deep breath. "I'm just a little…we haven't done that in a long time Benji."
"I know baby, did I hurt you?" he laid down. "I didn't mean to."
"I know you didn't." I shook my head.
"You liked it right? You came right?" It was so like him to be worried.

I rolled toward him and smiled.

"You rocked my world, I love you." I assured him.
"I love you too, Jess." He kissed my sweat covered face.

I shut my eyes in exhaustion. Maybe starting to drift off, until I felt Benji's arm wrap around me and pull me to him.

"Mmm" he moaned and pulled my face up to give me a nice good warm kiss. "Jess?"
"Hmmm?"
"You know that I love you right?"
"Baby…"
"Because I do. I love you more than I ever or could ever love anyone. I'm sorry you got jealous. I'm so sorry I hurt you." He kissed me again. "I never wanted to hurt…"
"Benji, stop. I know." he hugged me to his chest.

"I love you too, baby. And I'm sorry I freaked out." I ran my hands over the word Punx. "I just…I couldn’t stop thinking about you with anybody but me."
"I know…"
"It does still hurt, to think you loved her, shared this with her."
"You’re wrong Jess, I never shared this with her. We have so much more. You're the love of my life." He rubbed my cheek looking into my eyes. "She never could have been what you are to me. NEVER."

I smiled.

"But, Jess…"
"I know there's Ben, and she's his mom and…"
"Jessa, she gave me a son, but she didn't give me anything else. I'm not going to sit and reminisce about her anymore, I don't need to. I've just been…"
"Is this over then?" I asked.
"Yeah, I don't wanna fight with you."
"Good." I kissed his cheek. "I'm ready to go home."
"So am I." Benji agreed.
***
"Say bye to Grama, Ben." I instructed him. He ran over and hugged my mom. She gave him a kiss on the cheek and a paper bag I knew was full of cookies.

I leaned over and she gave me a hug too. "I don't get any cookies?"
"Jessa's got 'em." She grinned and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
"Thanks mom, for everything."
"It's part of the job. You go home and get better, and eat, and take care of that family of yours." She told me.

I looked behind me at my family. MY family, Jessa had Isabel in her arms and Ben was sticking his hand into his cookie bag. I smiled and felt warm inside. I had a great little family. I couldn't wait to take Ben home and show him California. Introduce him to Joel and Alex and everybody. My own mini me, even if he still wasn't that comfortable with me. I knew it'd get better over time.

I glanced at the huge clock on the wall of the terminal. 7:23pm…the plane was leaving in half hour.

"We better get moving, Momma." I gave her one more hug. "Love you."
"Call me when you get home."
"We will." I assured and went to meet my family as we headed towards our departure gate.

Ben turned around as we walked. "Bye Grama, see you later!"

We reached the gate, without as much hassle as I was expecting. We prepared to get on the plane.

"Oh, shit." I suddenly remembered.
"What?" Jessa asked. Securing Isabel to her seat.
"I forgot to call Joel. Hold on just a sec. Lemme tell him we're on our way." I fumbled with my bag to find my phone. Ben had run to the window and looked out. Jessa chased him.

"Hello?" Joel sounded sleepy.
"You alright?"
"Yeah, I knocked my head on the car this morning. I think it's making me sleepy." Joel explained.
"Oh. Well, we're about to get on the plane."
"Oh already, I thought you were leaving tonight."
"It's 7:30 over here, Joel."
"Oh right."

"So, we'll see you at the airport?"
"Yeah, what time?"
"10:30. You have the rest of the flight information?"
"Yeah, no. I mean, Alex has it."
"Okay, see you in a few hours."
"Okay, see ya bro."
"Hey Joel?"
"What?"
"Don't go to sleep alright?"
"Okay."

We hung up and I found Jessa and the kids (I had "kids") looking out the window. Jessa pointed out the planes and showed Ben our's.

"Hey, all set, guys." I asked.
"Hey, were gonna FLY in that big PLANE…isn't it big?" Ben had cookie crumbs on his face.
I smiled and nodded. "Uh huh. Now let's get going before it takes off without us."

Getting on was more trouble because Ben's curiosity was getting the better of him. We were in first class this trip, so Jessa had Isabel and herself and Ben and I sat behind her.

"Mom, mom!" Ben grabbed Jessa's arm through the seats. "Look!" he brought out the footrest as Jessa turned around.
"That's awesome, Ben."

She came around the other side of the seat and looked at me. "He called me mom." She mouthed. I shrugged.

"Oh shit!" Ben announced.
"Ben!" I instantly scolded. "You don't say that!"
"You said it." He pointed out.
"Daddy shouldn't say it either." Jessa came to the rescue.
"That's right." I agreed.

Ben crossed his arms.

"Do we have to bring Izzybel?" Ben asked.
"Yes." I laughed. "We have to bring Izzybel."
"Aww, man." He complained. "She's gonna stink up the whole plane."

I laughed wholeheartedly. I felt good. My mind wasn't dwelling on the accident or my leg or Georgie. I was thinking about Ben and Isabel and Jessa in that lacey thing last night. My son, my daughter, my wife, my brother, my nephew, my dogs, my band, my friends; that's all I needed, that was going to keep me going and I was gonna be fine.
***

Part 5
What time was it? was it a school day? Was Ben up? Where's Jessa? Isabel? It was funny how your life just changes one day. I was used to living on my own, worrying about my own needs and then I met Jessa and had a baby and had Ben, and everything changed. In a good way, don't get me wrong.

I rolled out of bed, noticing it was empty and vaguely remembering Jessa getting up at 5am and heading to North Hollywood, preproduction. Shit, that meant it was Wednesday and I had to get Ben dressed, fed and to school.

I went into Isabel's room and found her sitting awake by herself in her crib, mindlessly arranging stuffed animals. She looked up at me as I entered.

"Dada." She greeted me, reaching her arms up.
"Morning baby girl."
"Dada, hunnie."
"Yup, dada's hungry too. Let's go get Bean." I took her in my arms and knocked on Ben's door as we entered. "Ben, hey, buddy." I gently nudged him awake.

Ben groaned.

"No, come on, Ben, time to get up."
"Dada hunnie!!" Isabel shouted.
"Stop Izzy!" Ben complained and ducked his head under the pillow.
"Get up Ben."
"Bean, bean, up!" Isabel urged.
"You heard her." I grinned, trying to pull the pillow from him. "Get up Bean!"

He whined and crawled out of his mess.

"If you get dressed real quick we can make waffles." I promised.
"Really?" Ben asked sleepily. "Waffles?"
"Waaa" Isabel tried to mimic.
"Waaa-fulls!" I helped her. "Can you say waffles, Iz?"
"Waaaa?" she tried.

I couldn’t help smiling.

"Alright, get dressed and we'll make waffles."

I took Isabel back into her room to dress her, pausing a moment to make sure I heard Ben's drawers opening. I put her on the changing table and picked out one of the many cute outfits Jessa had for her. She was going on 9 months now and talking like crazy. I was dada, Jessa was mama, Ben was bean and Cash, Lennon and anything else basically was toys, but it sounded more like the word "noise" coming from Izzy. It made Joel jealous because Sam said only one thing and that was mama.

I dressed her and dropped her off in the crib while I dressed myself. She yelled at me from the other room as I clothed.

"Dadada!!" she only said it like that when she was impatient.
"Yeah, yeah, dadada." I repeated.
"daaaaadd!" that was Ben.

I dashed from my room, pulling a t-shirt over my head.

"What's up?"
"I can't find my pants!" he whined.

I picked up a pair of black pants and brought them too my nose. They smelled ok.

"Put on these"
"Da-ad, I need my brown ones, with the pockets!!" He said impatiently.
"These have pockets." I pointed out.
"Da-AD!" he crossed his arms.
"Maybe they're dirty, what’s wrong with these?"

He sighed and put them on. I went and fetched Isabel again and she brought her fuzzy rattley, annoying-as-hell, toy along. I thought I hid that. I headed down stairs with her in my arms shaking the rattle next to my ear. I sat her in the little walker thingy as I came into the kitchen. I opened the pantry and couldn't find the waffle mix.

"Dada. Hunnie." Isabel said.

I grabbed a bottle from the fridge and handed it to her. She hungrily accepted and smiled. She continued shaking the rattle. I was about ready to throw it into no-mans land, aka the backyard, Lennon would have no trouble tearing it to itty bitty pieces. The phone rang before I could. I grabbed it from the wall and held it between my neck and shoulder as I checked other cabinets for the elusive Aunt Jemima.

"'Lo?"
"Hey, babe, making sure you were up." It was Jess.
"Hey. Yeah, I wanted to make waffles. Where's the stuff?"
"We don't have any more."
"Fuck."
"Fud!" Isabel mimicked.
"Fudge, Iz, fudge. Mmm, yummy fudge."
"Benji, I told you to watch your mouth." Jessa scolded, obviously overhearing.
"Fud." Iz said again.
"Izzy's trying to say a bad word!" Ben came in tattling.

I mussed his hair.

"Hey, sorry kiddo, no waffles." I frowned.

He sighed and slumped his shoulders.

"We have cereal." I suggested. "Fruity Pebbles?"

He reluctantly nodded and I began pouring his bowl.

"So what's up? Checking up on me?" I teased Jessa.
"I've been gone a whole 2 hours, the house could have burned down." She joked.
"Seriously, I just wanted to make sure you got Ben to school. Make sure his homework sheet is signed and…"
"Oh yeah, where's his…"
"He needs his khaki's they're in the laundry basket in our room."
"Oh ok."
"And don't forget it's minimum days this week so he's out at 1:20 instead of 2:20."
"Alright." I nodded handing Ben his cereal as he sat at the counter.
"Any other questions?" she asked.
"Do you miss me?"
I heard her laughing on the other end. "You know it."

"Hey, Ben, say hi to Mom."
"Hi Mom." He answered dully.
"Let me talk to him." Jessa said.

I handed the phone to him and he put it to his ear, swishing his cereal with his spoon.

"Hi, Mommy." He said. "Uh huh…"

It was nice hearing him call Jessa, mom. He knew she wasn't his mom, but he got used to Jess and he asked her if it was okay to call her mom a few months back. Jessa almost cried. He asked if he could call me dad too. He settled in a lot better and faster than we expected. All our follow-up visits from the California CPS went very well. He was in a good school a few miles away and he was happy. Well with the exception of morning blues. Christmas was in a week so he was in school a few more days before holiday break. No one wants to go to school when they know Christmas was around the corner. I remember that quite clearly.

"She wants to talk to you." Ben handed the phone to me.
"Hey." I put it back to my ear.
"Okay, babe, I gotta go, but have Ben change his pants and don't forget, 1:20, okay?"
"Yup, I got it."
"I'll try and be home before 10, to say goodnight."
"Okay, baby, love you."
"Love you too, say hi to Isabel for me. Oh and make sure Ben takes a jacket."
"Okay."
"Bye, babe."
"Bye."
***
By the time Ben had finished breakfast and I signed his paper and changed and everything else, we had 5 minutes to get to a school 10 minutes away.

"Okay, okay, let's go, in the car." I ushered Ben, Isabel in my right arm, guitar and diaper bag in my left. I shut the door behind me. "Here, Ben take the keys…press the button."

He pressed one and as soon as I touched the car the alarm went off.

"Other button, other button!" I yelled as Isabel covered her ears and cried. I set my guitar down and took the keys, pressing the unlock and shutting off the alarm. I looked around and saw neighbors staring. I smiled nervously. "Okay. Let's get going."

Isabel sniffed up tears as I buckled her in her seat. "Shh, sweetie, it’s ok. You don't have to be scared."

I stowed the diaper bag on the floor and hauled my guitar over her and into the back. Ben started climbing into the passengers seat.

"No, no, no, buddy, backseat!"
"But…"
"No buts, backseat." I repeated. "The front seat's dangerous."

He groaned and rolled his eyes, heading around the car to the back. Once I was satisfied he was buckled and doors were locked I got into the driver's seat. I always took a deep breath, my heart pace always quickened a little. I shut the door and adjusted the seat to my height. I buckled my seatbelt, giving it a tug to know it was secure, and said a tiny prayer before I started the engine. I was driving, I had been for close to 3 months now, but I had a ritual. I had to do it this way or I’d probably stay home all the time.

I didn't want to speed, but he was late. He was gonna be really late if I didn't hurry it up a little. I accelerated and my heart beat faster, maybe I'd go the speed limit and write a note.

I made it in faster time than I expected, but a blue station wagon cut me off in front of La Morena Day School. I slammed the break and I broke a sweat. Crazy, people were crazy. Ben started climbing out of the back and I slipped out of my seat, I needed to have a chat with this guy.

A blonde woman stepped out, her equally blonde daughter closely following. My demeanor changed. I couldn't yell at a woman. She turned and smiled at me. I smiled nervously and looked down at Ben. Suddenly a pink bunny came hurtling out of the back seat, bouncing off my chest and landing on the floor.

"Bunnie, Dada, Bean!" Isabel shouted triumphantly.
"How sweet." The blonde picked up the bunny and handed it to me. "How old is she?"
"9 months." I didn't look at her as I handed Isabel her bunny. "What do you say Iz?"
"Pweese!"

I laughed. The blonde grinned at me, in a really weird way that made me uncomfortable. I turned back to Ben.

"Do you need help in?"
He shook his head, "I'm fine, bye Dad."
"Alright, have a good day, kiddo." I patted his head
"Bye Dad." He repeated running off and waving behind him.

The blonde had sent her daughter off, pig-tails bouncing.

"Well, he obviously takes after his father." She smiled at me again. Was she trying to pick me up? I ignored her and shut the open car door.

"I'm Rosemary Beale." She held out a manicured hand.
I shook it. "Benji."
"I know."

Oh great. What does that mean?

"Our kids are in the same class."
"Oh, that's nice." I smiled but she was beginning to creep me out with her huge Suzie Homemaker grin.
"I work for the Times and.."
"NO!" I cut her off and started for my car. Is nothing sacred? Can't take my kid to school without the press being on my back?

"I didn't even ask you anything?" She sounded hurt.
"I'm not going to do some newspaper article, in case you didn't know I'm not fond of the press and the way they twist things." I slammed my car door shut. "Be more careful when you're pulling into the curb. Some of us have kids in the car." I glared at her.
"Dadada. Bean, bye bye?" Isabel asked.
"Yup, Bean's at school."
"Well, um, if you ever…" She handed me a little paper card. I started the car and drove off, without taking it. The nerve.

I'd made a habit of going to Joel's in the morning. Usually I'd take Ben to school and I go to Joel's from there. We'd been working on some new material. I'd taken Isabel with me a few times, when Jessa had something to do and we'd switch, but this was the first time I had to take Ben to school, take Isabel and pick him up. It took me 6 minutes to drive to Joel's from Ben's school. Isabel made noise in the back seat as we pulled up.

"You ready to see Sam and Uncle Joel?"
"Pweeze." She smiled.
"Ok then."

There was a struggle getting out of the car with Isabel and my guitar, and in the end I decided to make two trips. I balanced Iz on my hip and put the bag over my shoulder. She grabbed my lip as we went towards the door.

"Oww, no Iss." I tried to stop her. "OEL! OEL! Opena dooor"
"Dude?" Joel peeked out and noticed Isabel pulling on my piercings. "OH!"

He reached out for her. "Hey, Iz, c'mere, come to uncle Joel."
She let go and reached her arms to Joel. "Dada ow." She told Joel.
"Uh huh, that hurts Iz." I told her. "Ima go get my guitar."
"Alright." Joel proceeded into the house with her and I went back to get my instrument.

When I came back in, Joel had the kids in the play pen.

"Dada owww." Isabel said when she saw me. She made a little face.
Setting my guitar on the floor I leaned over and picked her up. "Give Dada a kiss, and make my owwie better."

She gave me one of her tiny kisses right on my lip ring. I smiled at her.

"Thank you, baby girl." I said setting her back in the pen with Sam. He looked exactly like Joel, not that he didn't before, but it was uncanny. His hair got somewhat darker just like Alex said it would, his mouth, his nose, his ears, all from Joel.

Joel leaned on the other side of the pen. He smiled at his son.

"Dude, we have kids."
"I know." I watched them both then smiled at Joel. "It's…I mean, us, WE have kids."
"Dada!" Isabel handed me a blue plastic ring to hold.
"Uh, thanks Iz."
"Hey, Sam, say Dada." Joel coaxed. "Da-da, please, I know you can."

Sam stared blankly at Joel. He continued sounding it out to him. Sam stretched his mouth like Joel's to say the words.

"Mama?" Sam cocked his head to the side.
"No, Sam, DADA." Joel sighed. "He's never gonna say it."
"Come on, Joel, he'll have to talk one day. Momma says I spoke before you."
"That's cause you talk too much. I woulda talked too, but I didn’t have anything to say." He sneered.
"Oh sure." I rolled my eyes.

"Let's just play, man." Joel tossed his hand in the air.

We sat across from each other on opposite couches. Joel sat his guitar in his lap all poised as I picked random chords and idly strummed.

"So, I was playing around with this for the bridge of 'Gonna Try'." Joel played a short melody, I tapped my foot in time.
I nodded when he was done. "That was good."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, I like it."

Joel played it a little more and I followed along. Suddenly he stopped.

"What's up, why'd you stop?"
"Benj, I wanna go home."
"Huh?" I raised my eyebrow. We were in his home.
"DC, I miss DC." He explained.

I was quiet. Speechless kind of. Joel shook his head.

"Okay, nevermind, I didn't say anything."
"No, come on, I was just stunned." I urged.
"Look forget it, it’s stupid alright." Joel shook his head.
"No, it isn't stupid, Joel."
"It's not?" He looked at me. He set his guitar down and sighed. "I just…I dunno I was watching 'The Simpsons' and…"
"'The Simpsons' made you homesick?" I laughed.
Joel made a face. "Yeah, well, it did okay. It was that one when Lisa was president and they were in DC and I just… I miss it."

I had to admit that sometimes I missed it too. I miss the people and the weather. I miss a lot of things about it, but I clearly remember when and why I left. Joel moved out here to be with his girlfriend and I was living in Annapolis with Georgie. Then she threw herself down the stairs and told me she killed my baby. I kicked her out of the car at a gas station and went home. She never came back to the house. A week later, Richie came by and took most of her stuff and I packed up and moved out here. I had to get away from all the bad thoughts there.

But now. Now that wasn't part of my life anymore. I had a much better life; wife, kids, a family, ya know. I was ready to go back, but everything was here.

"I told Alex about it the other night. She said our life was here, now." Joel said sadly. "But I just…I want it to snow around Christmas. I want Sam to see snow and the Atlantic and DC."
"Yeah." I looked over at the kids playing with the stacking rings and Isabel with her bunny. I kinda wanted that too.
"I miss Momma and Sarah and Josh." He added.
"Well they're coming in 3 days." I tried to make him feel better.
"Yeah…." He pouted then shook his head. "Nevermind, let's just play."
***
I thought about what Joel said all the way home. How nice and simple life could be away from all this glitz and phoniness. Somewhere where we could just raise our kids and live our life. Somewhere where cameras didn't follow. I pulled into the driveway, suddenly remembering I left my son at school. It was 1:45. He'd been waiting almost half an hour. I was a terrible father.

I pulled in front of the school in 5 minutes. I glanced ahead and saw Ben, backpack strapped to his back sitting on the short wall in front of the school. Next to him was the blonde girl from this morning and her terrible mother. I almost wanted to honk and just beckon Ben to me, just to avoid her. I rolled my eyes and got out anyway. She'd obviously been waiting, freak. I got Isabel out of her seat and brought her with me and I slowly walked towards them.

"BEAN!" Iz shouted.
"Hi, Izzy." Ben waved a yellow paper around.
"Hey, kid, sorry." I said.
"I'm hungry."
"Yeah, I know, sorry" I said apologetically.
"So, we meet again?" the woman started.

I looked up and glared at her. What was she expecting from me? She kinda smiled.

"Look, I think we got off on the wrong foot."
"Oh, really?" I shot sarcastically
"Please, I just…"
"You just what? Why can't you leave me alone?" I didn't hide my aggravation. Ben looked at me and back at the woman.
"I didn't mean to blurt out the way I did." She apologized. "I'm so stupid sometimes. I'm sorry."

She shook her head, she seemed…embarrassed?

"And for the record I work there. I answer phones, I don't write. Well maybe one day but…um..anyway." she rambled on.
"Dad, I'm hungry."
"Yeah," I stared at the woman confused a second before turning to Ben. "Yeah, I know. What's your name again?"

She grinned that weird bright grin again. "Rosemary."
"Well, I'm sorry, Rosemary, but we gotta get going, now." I adjusted Isabel in my arms, to keep her hands from my pierced ears.
"Oh, well, I just…I…"

She seemed so nervous. Was I doing that to her? Was I really that intimidating?

"Yeah?"
"Um…I thought that maybe Ben like to come over and play with Caitlyn, ya know, some…time" She smiled and kinda blushed.
"Oh, uh, yeah, that'd be fine." I nodded. She played with her earrings. It was really uncomfortable and awkward.
"But DA-AD…she's…ewwww."
"Ben!" I scolded.
"But she's uh…uh" He went to a whisper. "Gee-Eye-Ar-El!"
"She's a Girl?" I said out loud trying to understand.
"She's a GUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLL!?!" Ben complained.

Caitlyn, who I'm guessing is Rosemary's daughter tugged on her mom's shirt.

"Mommy, what did he say? What's a Gee-Eye-Ar-El??"

Rosemary and I laughed. I shook my head.

"Kids?" I shrugged. "Well, no playdate, but we really gotta get going, Isabel's getting a little ripe."
"Oh." She smiled again, well not again, she hadn't stopped smiling. "Well I'm sure I'll see you again, Benji."

She purred my name and I took a step back. I swallowed. I really wasn't used to this.

"Let me…why don't we exchange numbers?" She bit her lip.
"Um…" "
You know, cause…it's like…it's good to know the other parents." She added quickly.

"Oh, sure." I nodded. We walked towards her car and she pulled a tiny pad from her bag. She scribbled her number down and waited for me to give her ours. I gave her the numbers and walked quickly back to my Expedition. We had 2 brand new cars, the Expedition and an Escape. Jessa made an endorsement deal with Ford (thanks to Alex) and hence two new SUVs.

"Dad, do I have to play with brat-face?" Ben asked as I started the car
"Her name's Caitlyn and no."
"Good." He nodded and buckled his seatbelt.

The longer it was before I saw Miss Rosemary Beale the better.
***
I smiled when I saw the Christmas lights twinkling in the front window. Benji and Ben must have put them up today. I smiled. I wish I could have been here, but I'd been home for fractions of time this whole week. Wednesday to now went by in the blink of an eye. It was Friday, tomorrow morning the in-laws were flying in and Christmas was in 6 days.

"Alright, Jonah, right up here, Six-Fifty-Seven."
"The Escape?" he motioned to the small SUV parked out front.
"Yup, that's my baby."

Jonah laughed. He was a PA on my new film. We started filming January 2nd, so hopefully no one would still have a hangover. I'd been busy lately with meetings and cast calls, and until today we'd been doing table reads. I was exhausted but I wanted to see my children. And my husband more so. Now I got 2 weeks to be with them.

He pulled in front of the house, behind Benji's Expedition. I unbuckled myself as soon as the car stopped already pulling the door open.

"Mizzus Madden?" Jonah turned in the driver's seat.
"Sup?"
"Can I use your bathroom?"
I laughed. "Yeah, sure. Come on in, you can meet Benji."

We went up the walk and surprisingly the door was unlocked.

"LUUUUU-CEE, I'm home!" I called using my most Ricky Ricardo voice.
"Jess?" Benji came around the corner with my baby girl all wrapped in his arms.
"MAMA!" She yelled and reached her arms out.
"Oh, baby girl I missed you so much." I took her in my arms and hugged her close.
"Mama." She murmured burying her face in my shoulder.

Benji was staring beyond me and I realized he was looking at Jonah. Actually, it was more like staring.

"Benj, this is Jonah, he's a PA. Jonah, this is my husband Benji."
"Hi." Jonah waved and bounced.
"Upstairs, door straight ahead." I directed.
"Thanks." He walked as fast as he could with his full bladder.

Benji leaned over and kissed me, brushing hair from my forehead.

"Is Ben already in bed?" I asked, knowing he was, it was 10:30.
"Yeah."

I frowned. I felt like I hadn't seen him in a few days, but I hadn't really. We went to the holiday pageant last night (Ben's a GREAT snowflake) and that WAS the last time I saw him.

"Alright." I nodded. "So how'd it go on your own?"
"Great!" he said a little too exuberantly. I cocked my eyebrow.
"What? It did."
"I'm sure Benj."
"It DID!" He insisted.

I had to admit I enjoyed making him act like a child. I laughed taking Isabel over to the couch.

"Did daddy take care of you, baby?"
"Baba!" She pointed to her bottle on the table.
"Are you hungry, Iz?"
"Hunnie." She giggled. I laughed. Benji handed me the bottle to give to her.

"So anything, anything at all happen?" I asked, laying Iz in my arms.
Benji shrugged. "Took Ben to school, went to Joel's, hung out…did some Christmas shopping" he said wiggling his eyebrows.
I bit my lip as I smiled. "Sam saying anything new?"
"Nothing since mama."
"Alright, we're still winning!" I held out one of my hands for a high five.

Suddenly Ben screamed from upstairs. Loud High pitched shrieks.

"Ben!?" I got up letting Isabel lay against my shoulder. Benji was already halfway up the stairs.
"There's a man in the house!! There's a man in the house!!" Ben shouted. "Daddy!"
"Ben, hey." Benji comforted when we reached the landing. "Hey it's alright."

I switched the lights on, illuminating the hallway. Jonah was backed up against the wall, hands up, looking apprehensively at the scared screaming child. Ben turned around and reached his arms up to Benji. Benji shuttered under the weight of his 5 year old.

"It's ok Ben, this is Jonah, he works with Mommy." I explained looking at him, his chin resting on Benji's shoulder.

"I'm really sorry I scared you Ben." Jonah tried to apologize.
"Just go away." He shouted and buried his head even more into Benji's shoulder.
"PLEASE!"
"Maybe you should go, Jonah."
"Yeah, I'm really sorry."
"It's alright. Bye, I'll see you on the shoot. Have a good holiday."
"Yeah, bye." Jonah waved and showed himself out.

"Hey, it's alright now, kid. You ready to go to bed?" Benji asked.
"I needa go pee pee" he said and Benji let him down.
"Okay."

Ben scrambled into the bathroom, halfway disrobing as he went and slamming the door shut behind him.

"I'm gonna wait for him. You going downstairs?" Benji asked.
"I'm putting her to sleep." I pointed to our sleeping daughter, one of her arms hung limply across my chest the other held onto her precious baba, as it slipped from her lips, and each time it did she'd suck to keep hold.

"Alright." He gave me a kiss. "See you in the room."
***
He finished before me and was already lounged on the bed in sweats. I woulda been here sooner but Isabel woke again, didn't wanna go back to sleep, needed to be changed. I had to lock the door and say hi to Cash and Lennon. And after that I was hungry so I grabbed a bag of chips and a soda. I was right back where I was before I went back to work.

I slumped on the bed with my snacks.

"Mmm, for me?" Benji eyed the cheddar and sour cream chips.
I hugged them to my body. "Mine."

Benji pouted. I rolled my eyes and tossed him the bag of chips.

"I missed you."
"Oh really?" I smiled my cute sexy smile.
"Mmm, hmm." He nodded and beckoned me to the head of the bed.
"I missed you too." I gave him a kiss when I reached him.
"How goes the movie business?"
"Awesome…I got to meet Tom Hanks today."
"What? Really?"

I nodded enthusiastically.

"Yeah, I was having lunch with Colin and…"
"Colin?"
"Yeah, Colin Hanks, Tom's son."
"You know Tom Hanks' son?"
"Babe, he's my leading man…he's an actor too. Anyway, so we were having lunch and…"
"So, was anyone else at lunch with you?"
"Yeah," I rolled my eyes at Benji's jealousy. "God and the devil sat on my shoulders and directed the scene."
"Hey..wha…well..Jess…" Benji stumbled. "Sorry."
"Can I go on?"
"Yeah, how's Tom?"
"He is the NICEST guy…"

The phone rang. I sighed angrily. If it was Joel I was gonna scream. He was always interrupting at an important part. The point of my story, just as we've gotten Iz to sleep, the peak of the orgasm, anything, you name a time you don't want to be bothered, Joel's ruined it.

"Hello?" I answered, kinda annoyed.
"Uh…sorry…I think I dialed the wrong number." A woman said. Ugh, that was even worse. I hung up.

"Okay, where was I?"
"Tom's the nicest guy."
"Right, so were eating and then…"

The phone rang again.

"Jesus Christ!"
"Jesus showed up! Sweet!" Benji grinned.
"Hello?" I answered again, rolling my eyes at my insane husband.
"I'm gonna take a piss." Benji got up and went to the bathroom.
"Oh…" It was the same woman.
"Yes?"
"Uh…does Benji live there?"
"Yes, who's this?"
"Well, who's this?" She asked back, the nerve. I scoffed. She's the one calling MY husband at 11 o'clock at night.

"Who is it?" Benji called through the open door of the bathroom.
"Who is this?" I asked again more firmly.
"Can you tell him Rosemary called?" She said quickly and hung up.

I hung up and tried to remain calm. I tried my best to keep my jealousy safely curbed. It was probably something stupid. Rosemary was Steve's new assistant or Rosemary was a secretary for someone important. Maybe it was Josh's new girlfriend, I dunno, Rosemary could be a thousand different women.

I got up and started changing out of my work clothes. I was gonna stay calm and cool and this was nothing to freak out about right? But she called at 11pm and she went by a first name and…no, no Jessa. It's almost Christmas, life is good, Benji loves you and you have nothing to worry about.

I turned towards Benji as he came back in. "Who's Rosemary?" I asked calmly.

"Oh jeez." He rolled his eyes. "Did she call?"
"Who is she?"
"This woman I met at Ben's school."
"What do you mean 'this woman I met at Ben's school'?"
"She's the mom of some girl in Ben's class."
"And you gave her our number?"
"She made me."
"She made you?" I stared at him in disbelief.
"She wanted the kids to play together or something. She acted really strange."
"Strange how?"
"I dunno, she's really nervous. She played with her earrings."
"Really?" I became intrigued. "Did you tell her you were married Benji?"
"No, why?"
"Why not?!"
"WHAT? I didn't know I was supposed to introduce myself that way. 'Hi I'm Benji, I'm married!'." He mimicked.

I smirked. "Benji?"
"What?" He asked, innocently. "What did I do wrong?"

I sighed. Even I didn't know what I was saying.

"What did I do wrong?" He repeated. "She came up to me and…"
"And flirted with you!" I really hadn't meant to come off this way.
"Well, I guess so," He thought about it a second. "I dunno, it was really weird. I guess, I'm not used to it anymore."
"Benji…" I shook my head. "You didn't KNOW she was hitting on you?"
"Well…I gue—no. I dunno, she made me uncomfortable." He shrugged. "She was always like doing this." He touched my shoulder to demonstrate.

I laughed. Benji was funny. I can't believe he was oblivious to a woman trying to get in his pants. Didn't he realize how unbelievably sexy he was? He obviously didn't understand his appeal. I started laughing at him.

"What?" he asked looking so much like Ben. I couldn't stop laughing. "Jess? What?"
"Benji, the woman talks to you everyday and she touches your arm and plays with her earrings and you DON'T think that maybe she's interested in more than a playdate?"
"No," He bit his piercings. "I dunno, kinda the furthest thing from my mind, Jess. I mean I'm a guy with two kids…"
"Nothing is sexier than fatherhood, Benj."
"Yeah?"

I nodded.

"Damn…you mean I could've been picking up chicks this whole time?"
I smirked. "Oh haha."
"Come on, Jess." He continued. "I'm a man…with NEEDS."

He illustrated his point as he folded down the bed covers. I laughed at him as we both crawled in.

"Ya know what, Jessa?"
"Hmm?"
"It's almost Christmas!"
I laughed again. "Yeah I know."
"I love Christmas!"
"Yeah?"
"I just wish we were on the east coast, cause then there'd be snow, and we could cuddle up together." He wrapped his arms around me and held me close.
"Maybe next year we'll go over there for Christmas." I smiled.
"Can we!?"
"Yeah, it might be nice." I agreed.

"You're gonna pick up your mom and Josh and Sarah right?"
"Uh huh. Thought I might take Ben with me too."
"Yeah, that's good." I nodded. "So, we're telling everyone on Christmas?"
"We can do it before, babe, it's up to you." he rubbed my back.
"No, I like the idea of it being a gift."

"That's cause it is a gift." He smiled and kissed me.
I smiled and kissed back. "It's a wonderful gift."
***

Part 6
I heard Ben open the bedroom door, I heard his feet as the padded across the room, and felt him climbing up the bed. I shifted sleepily, was it really morning already? It was still pretty dark out. He slipped between Benji and I. Benji didn't so much as move an inch.

"Mommy." He whispered and nudged my shoulder.
I turned around and opened my eyes, to look at him. "Morning Ben."
"It's Christmas!" He whispered excitedly.
"I know." I nodded. "Merry Christmas."

I gave him a squeeze, he hugged me back.

"Can we go open presents, now?"
I shook my head. "Church first."
"Awwww, man." He pouted. "Canna just open one?"

I smiled and Ben gave me the sad puppy look, the same look that Benji used for sexual favors. I rolled my eyes.

"Ya know, I have a present for you Ben." I smiled to myself. Now was the perfect time, Benji or no Benji. "Ben, you know I love you very much."
"Uh huh?" He shook his head, but biting his lip in anticipation.
"Honey, I'm always gonna be here for you and I…I wanted to make it official. I want you to know that I'm not trying to replace your mom."
"You're my mom." He told me seriously. "I want YOU to be my mom!"
I smiled again. "Well, that's good. Cause…I adopted you, Ben. I AM your mom."

He stared at me blankly.

"When do I get my present?" He asked after a minute.

I laughed and gave him another hug. "Sweetie, that was your present."
"So…you're my mom now? For real?"

I smiled as I nodded.

"Okay." He grinned. He rolled onto his back and looked up at the ceiling. It was like he was deeply thinking. He was such a cool kid. So smart. So…sophisticated for a 5 year old, but yet he was still a little boy and that innocence came out a lot. That venerability.

"What do you want for breakfast?"
"Waffles!" He grinned as he turned back to me. "With chocolate chips!"

See what I mean?

"Mmm, that's a great idea Ben. Come let's go make 'em before everyone else wakes up."
***
"Do I smell waffles?"
"Dadada!" Isabel cried as Benji came into the kitchen, reaching her arms up.
"Merry Christmas, baby girl." Benji wrapped one arm around my waist. "Merry Christmas, Jess. Merry Christmas, Ben."

"Dad, we made waffles!" Ben announced. He had already eaten 3 and had chocolate chips on his face.
"I can see that." He grinned.
"I made waffles, Ben ate all the chocolate chips." I laughed.
"They were good." He grinned.
"Dadada!" Isabel shouted this time.
"Aww, and did daddy's baby girl get any waffles?" He picked her up and she laughed in his arms. She had a soggy piece of waffle in her hand that she continued sucking on. No chocolate in her's. "Where's Sarah?"

I shrugged. Josh, his girlfriend, Sophie, and Momma were at Joel's, but Sarah opted to stay in Ben's room while Ben shared with Isabel.

"Auntie Sarah's sleeeeeepppping." Ben hushed. "Shhhhh."

Benji laughed as he reached for two hot waffles and dropped them on a plate. Isabel dropped her's onto the same plate with a grin. I took Isabel and the offending waffle from Benji's plate and threw it in the garbage.

"I'm gonna get her dressed, you guys finish breakfast." I carried Isabel back upstairs, nearly tripping over Ben's discarded clothes from yesterday on my way into Isabel's room. I could hear the shower running and realized Sarah must be in there. It was weird having another person in the house.

Isabel made little noises and pointed out her favorite toys from across the room as I dressed her up.

"Mama, bunnie!" She pointed to the pink floppy bunny hanging out of her crib. I smiled.
"She sure is smart, Jess." Sarah startled me. "Sorry." She apologized.
"No, s'all right." I grinned.
"She looks like Benji." she smiled.

"She does," I nodded in agreement as Isabel grinned. "A lot."
"He loves it, doesn't he?"
"Loves what?"
"Being daddy." She smiled wide.

I grinned. He did. He reveled in fathering two children. He never knew what he was doing, but he always looked like he was having the best time figuring it out. Benji liked to meet new people and he enjoyed getting to know his kids.

"He looks…I dunno, really healthy Jess, this is really good for him." Sarah half smiled. It reminded me of Joel.

She was right. He wore fatherhood like a glove, it suited him, made him happy, and above all kept him positive. It was his happy thought. I smiled again.

We all ate and dressed in an hour, giving us not very long to get to the church. I had to pull Ben away from the tree and the enticing gifts beneath 4 times already. Finally Sarah took him outside and taught him how to play HORSE with the big blue and yellow Playskool basketball hoop out back.

By the time we all made it into the car Ben was talking up a storm to 'Auntie' Sarah about everything from 'did you see me make the basket from WAAAAAAAAAAAY over there?' to 'My dad drew all over his arms with permanent markers.' I laughed from the front seat and poked Benji's arm.

"Yeah, Benj, what'd you do that for?" I giggled.
***
Joel was standing out in front of the church with Sam in his arms, completely lost in his son, as we pulled up. He looked goofy in his big black shades. Momma, Josh, Sophie, and Alex were chattering away beside him.

"Auntie Sarah, Auntie Sarah!" Ben hadn't stopped talking since we left. "One time, one time I went to school an' I drew this picture. Do you wanna know what it was?"
"Sure, what was it Ben?"
"I drew a VOLCANO and it was 'sploding everywhere!!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, it was soooooooo cooooooool."
"I bet."

I'd never seen him so excited before, even when we went to Disneyland. But then, he'd never been given so much exclusive attention. I hate to say it, but we spent more time with Isabel. For the first time he was the center of attention. As if in an act of jealousy, Isabel started making noise.

"Dadada!" She called. I didn't have time to turn around and look at her. "Dadada!!" She shouted at me and I was pelted with a pacifier.

"Isabel!" Jessa turned and shook her head in reprimand.

I saw Isabel through the rearview, her lips puckered and quivered, her forehead wrinkled. Oh no, no no no. A second later she opened her mouth with a glass shattering cry. Ahhh, terrible bad sound, bad sound.

"Aww, don't cry Izzy." Ben told her and dangled her bunny in her face. Isabel swatted it away and got louder. "Fine! BRATFACE!"
"Ben, don't call your sister 'bratface'." Jessa sighed and fell back against her seat.
"But she IS a bratface. Right auntie Sarah?"
"No, Ben, I think you should apologize." Sarah told him.
"To HER? No way Jose!"
"Ben!" I countered.
"But Da-ad…"
"Ben." I said firmly.
"Sorry." He muttered.

I rolled my eyes and parked and Isabel raged on. As Jessa got her out of her seat she protested, yelling and throwing her arms and legs in all directions. She WAS being a bratface.

"Isabel, stop it." Jessa urged trying to keep hold of her.
"Nooo, no no no, noooo." Isabel screamed. She reached her body towards me. "Dada." She sobbed.
"Let me take her, Jess." I said as I reached and took her.
"Dada, owww." She made the same pouty face she made after I cried in pain when she pulled my lip rings.
"Oh, am I supposed to be nicer?" I looked at her sternly.
"Dada, oh Dada." She sobbed. I pulled her to my shoulder and she leaned on me, sobbing, murmuring my name over and over. How could I ignore that cute little face?
***
The church was kinda full and we sat scattered among 3 pews. Ben insisted on sitting with Sarah; Josh and Sophie sat with them. Joel, Alex, Sam and I sat in front of them and Benji, Iz and Momma sat behind them. Sam was all antsy, Joel could barely keep him still. He grabbed Joel's dopey sunglasses off his face and tossed them to the floor with a giggle. Joel smiled at his son and picked up the glasses, placing them in his pocket. Sam continued playing with Joel's lips, pinching them together and pulling on his cheeks.

Joel shushed him as the services began, forcing him to face forward, holding him firmly in his lap. I turned around and smiled at Benji. He winked. Isabel leaned on her daddy's chest and waved shyly at me. I waved back, Benji rocked her slightly, you could tell she was still kind of upset.

The sermon went on, I almost forgot how much I actually liked going to church. I hadn't gone to Christmas mass for quite a few years. Six, to be exact. Sam was still fidgety, so Joel handed him off to Alex, but he seemed even more anxious in her arms. Just as the priest hit one of those dramatic pauses, Sam burst, waking the whole sleepy church.

"DADA!" he yelled in protest at his mother, reaching for Joel with every ounce of strength his 9 month old body had.

The entire congregation turned towards our pew, some giggling, mother's cooing, people complaining. Joel looked…happy wasn't the right word. He'd been given one helluva great Christmas present. He grinned so wide I thought his cheeks were going to split.

"Aww, baby." He whispered and reached for his son. Sam sucked on his thumb and played with Joel's mouth with his other hand during the rest of the service.
***
This is exactly how I always imagined my life. Wife, kids, brothers, sister and Momma bustling around my house. The smell of good home cooked food saturating the house. The pine smell of the Christmas tree, the lights, the feel of Christmas. I loved family, being with them, laughing with them. I felt so…I dunno warm and fuzzy.

"Say it again, Sammy, say Dada." Joel coaxed.
"Dada." Sam complied.
"Dude, you're gonna wear him out." Josh laughed.
"I can't help it." Joel grinned. "Mmm, cookies!"

My thoughts exactly as Jessa set a tray on the coffee table in front of Josh, Joel, Sam and I. She took one herself and handed one to Alex and to Sophie. Alex shook her head.

"Alex, it's Christmas eat a cookie, damn it." Jessa stuffed it in her mouth. Alex mumbled some kind of obscenity at her as she chewed and swallowed.
"Bitch!"

Jessa grinned and laughed. Ben was on the floor with Sarah putting together the hot wheels racecar track Josh gave him. He had a shiny green bow attached to his head from the gift unwrapping. I smiled. The kid made out. Everybody bought him arm loads of goodies. Isabel too although she was really entertained by the giant box one of her gifts came in. She too had a red ribbon tied around her head. Momma tipped the box on it's side and any minute she'd come crawling back out of it laughing her ass off. Only she didn't. My eyes darted around the living room, for her dark mop of hair.

"Where's Isabel?" I stood up.

Jessa turned around, eyes scanning the room and everyone else searched.

"There she is!" Ben pointed. I had to lean all the way down to see where he was pointing and there she was. My baby girl, sleeping under the Christmas tree. Her little head resting on the white tree skirt, hugging a crumpled piece of wrapping paper to her like a toy.

"Where's your camera, Joel?" I reached my arm in his general direction until he placed it in my hands.

I snapped a few too many, but how could I help myself. She was so fucking cute. Jessa grinned at me as she leant down to pick her up. Iz whined as Jessa picked her up, but she rocked her until she fell back to sleep. She motioned towards the stairs and I nodded. I handed Joel his camera back.

"So where's, uh, Luke, Lukas?" Josh asked Sarah.
She made a face. "His name is Lewis, dork."
"Yeah, him, where is he?" Josh pushed.
"Jersey, his family lives there." Sarah sneered at Josh.
"Well, why isn't he here with you?" Joel asked setting Sam on the floor in front of him with a cookie. Alex leaned on the arm rest next to him.
"Yeah, I mean, he proposed to you right? Why haven't we met him yet, Sar?" I added.

She sighed, exasperated. She looked at Ben, as he raced the car around the track, making car noises by flapping his lips.

"Ben, promise me when you grow up you won't treat YOUR baby sister like she's stupid." She said sarcastically, tossing us all a look.
Ben stopped and stared at her confused. He looked at us then back at her. "Um…okay." And he went back to his cars.

"C'mon Sar, I'd like to meet the guy at least." I explained.
"Well, he never sees his family and I wanted to see mine, so we decided to do it separate this year."
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is your first Christmas with him? Yes?" Josh pointed out.
"Alright there will be no fighting, Joshua." Momma came in nursing a mug of coffee.
"Who's fighting?" Josh shrugged. "I'm just pointing out that this guy oughtta be here with my baby sister, his fiancé."
"Enough." Momma said firmly.

Jessa returned a minute later. "Isabel's out for the count."

She touched the necklace around her neck. I'd given her a dainty silver cross with a diamond center on a super fine chain. She was in love with it the way I knew she would be. I smiled at her. I got a watch, some books, some clothes (good ol' mom), and a back massager thingy from Sarah. Jessa got me a guitar, but not any old guitar, oh no. A real honest to God 1954 Fender Stratocaster, which I didn't play, but it looked so damn good. Mint condition, black, in the original case. My eyes fell out of their sockets, I couldn't believe she'd get me something like that.

We got Joel "Fatherhood for Dummies," well Jessa did and it was a joke. I got him a new digital camera. He was pretty into the photography thing, especially with a son to take pictures of all the time, but Sam had curious busy hands and knocked Joel's old camera into the sink full of dishes. Joel was crushed. He didn't want a new one. I swear it was like he lost a member of the family. So I found him a really good one. One just like his old one. He'd spent the entire afternoon playing photographer.

"So, how was your Christmas Ben? Did Santa bring you everything you wanted?" I asked, partaking in another cookie.
"Dad." He rolled his eyes at me. "There's no Santa Claus."
"Excuse me?"
"Georgia told me."
Stupid bitch, he's only 5. "Well, where do you think all that stuff came from?"
"You went to the store and bought it."
I shook my head. "Ben, I was too busy taking care of you and Izzy, I couldn't have bought all that stuff."

Ben contemplated it, furrowing his brow.

"Besides, where do ya think the cookies went?" I asked, hoping I was convincing him, letting him believe at least one more year. "I was asleep. Mom was asleep. And you didn't eat 'em did ya?"
He shook his head furiously. "But…so…there really is a Santa Claus?"

I looked at my brothers and sister. They paused then all nodded.

"Oh yeah!" Josh agreed.
"Yup, sure is." Sarah added.
"Big bowl full of jelly, yup." Joel smiled.
"So, some big fat guy breaks into people houses to eat cookies and leave presents?"
I nodded again, hoping he was still getting it. "Yeah, uh huh."
He was quiet a second and for a minute I thought he didn't believe me. "Cooooooooool!"

"Hey, Ben." Jessa smiled sitting on the ottoman. "Wanna tell everybody about our other present?"
"Huh?" He stared at her. Hell, I stared at her. Did she tell him? Without me?
***
"Jess?" Benji questioned.
"What are you talking about Jess?" Alex stared at me.
"I…we have a surprise." I felt giddy. "You wanna tell 'em Ben?"
"Tell them what?"
"Remember when we were talking this morning…" I urged forgetting that the hot wheels, books and other gifts would have left him with Christmas amnesia.
"Jessa, are you pregnant again?" Sarah blurted out. Benji made a noise and stared at me.

"What, whoa, no!" I held up my hands. I turned to Benji. "And I would have told YOU if I was, retard. Ben…we talked about it this morning…"
"Oh yeah, mommy's my mom now." He said barely looking up from his toys. "For real."

Everyone continued staring except for Benji.

"Jessa adopted Ben." He explained.
"Ohhhhhhhhhh" Joel nodded. "Okay, that makes sense."
"Oh, that's wonderful." Momma nodded.

I grinned. It was pretty wonderful. I was going to be part of him forever. At least in some sense. It gave me some closure on the whole matter, a little bit of confidence. It made my role in his life more permanent. He was my son. That's the way it felt to me. there were a few times when he shied away from me closed off, he did it to Benji, too. There were times when he woke up in the middle of the night and crawled off into the living room with his back pack. Neither of us got it. We weren't 'allowed' to touch his backpack either. It was his security blanket. I hadn't figured it out yet, but I knew it'd get better over time. He'd already made huge leaps.

"Mom, I'm hungry." Ben whined.
"You don't want cookies?!" Both Benji and Joel said at the same time. God those boys are cute.
"I wanna eat real food, my tummy wants dinner." Ben pointed to his stomach as if we could tell by looking at it. I chuckled.
"It's about time to make dinner." I stood up to go to the kitchen. "Wanna come?"

Ben scrunched up his face as if deep in thought.

"We'll let you lick the spoon!" Momma added.
"O-kay!" Ben stood up enthusiastically. The looks Benji and Joel made, had me thinking they agreed.
"The men can start a fire and put on some music." I ordered.
"Aww, but we wanna lick the spoon, Jess." Benji whined.

I rubbed his head.

"Sorry, I don't need any extra helpers today."
"Awww." He continued.
"Go start a fire men!" Ben called from the kitchen. "C'mon, come help me make dinner Mommy!"
"Duty calls." I shrugged at Benji, following Alex, Sophie and Sarah into the kitchen to join Ben and Momma.
***
Joel, Josh and I went out to the garage while the ladies cooked. Joel brought Sam along, he held onto Joel around the neck, nodding off to sleep.

"This is ridiculous, you don't need a fire out here." Josh complained. "It's sixty-five degrees!"
"That's cold to Jessa."
"Al, too."
"You guys married pussy California girls."
I rolled my eyes. "Last year we'd married 'hot girls'. What happened to that Josh?"
"Hey, they're hot…they just would never last back east." He smirked. "Not like Soph."
"She's really quiet." Joel pointed out about Josh's less than outgoing girlfriend.
"I think she's kinda afraid of everybody." Josh explained. "Ya know meeting the family and all, it's a big deal."
"Uh huh." I raised my eyebrows at him and Joel and I gave each other looks.

"HEY!" Josh shouted. "Don't pull the weird twin stuff on me."
"What weird twin stuff?" I shrugged. "How serious is this with Sophie?"
"Look I know what you're thinking." Josh started defensively. "So, don't."
"Dude, it's serious, huh?" Joel giggled.

It was like when we were kids and Joel and I would tease Josh about his girlfriends. I loved it. He got all defensive and blushy and for a moment Joel and I got to be the big kids. We got to pick on him. I laughed.

"Embarrassed are we big brother?" Joel giggled at me and I grinned back.
"Shut up losers." He narrowed his eyes.
"Fine, whatever, just remember to invite us to the wedding."
"Ha, well there ya go." Josh shot out. "I'm never getting married again."
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Joel shook his head rocking Sam.
"Marriage is the stupidest thing I ever heard of." Josh retorted.

I rolled my eyes.

"So, I've been thinking about home a lot." Joel frowned. "Like, thinking about moving back."
"Your California cutie'd never go for that Joel."
"I dunno, I've talked about it with her. It's something I really want. That's what marriage is all about…"
"Getting what you want?"
"Compromise, Josh." I hated it when Joel was all wise like. It was kinda creepy.

I'd thought about home some more too. Especially since Momma, Josh and Sarah got here. I hadn't had the time to bring it up to Jessa. I had no idea how she'd feel about moving across the country, but the more I thought, the more I imagined the big house on the water. The weeping willow out back, the swing. Ok, so maybe I'd done more than just think about it.

"And what do you think, Benjahole?" Josh shook me from my own thoughts.
"Huh? Yeah, it’s cool." I nodded.
"Have you talked with Jessa?" Joel cocked his head.
"No." I said plainly, suddenly feeling like I should have.
"It'd be cool having you guys so close again." Josh mused. "And having the kids nearby."
"Do you miss us Joshy?" I teased.
"Hey." He took on the serious tone, the one that sounded like dad. "You know I do. I hate to admit it, but I love you guys."

We had one of those Kodak moments. Standing in our semi-circle grinning at each other, seconds away from a 3 way hug. It was what Sunday night movies were made of. We were satisfied with a quick firm pat to the back.

"Josh! Benjamin! Joel!" Momma's voice carried out here.
"Mmm, dinner time." Joel grinned taking the lead, with Sam fast asleep on his shoulder.
***
When I came out of the bathroom Benji was sitting on the edge of the bed, seemingly deep in thought. I climbed onto the bed from behind him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders.

"Hey, what's up?" I leaned my head on his shoulder, tightening my grip on him.

I felt him sigh. Something was definitely the matter.

"I dunno, it's…" He sighed again.

I got up and climbed to sit next to him.

"What is it Benj?" I said sympathetically.
"I miss my home."
"What do you mean?" I asked slightly confused.
"I miss Maryland, DC…I miss Waldorf."
"Aww," I cocked my head to the side and cupped his cheek in my hand. I gave him a quick little kiss. "It's okay, baby."
"Jess, you don't understand." He said wrenching my body from his. "I wanna GO home."
"What do you mean 'go' home?"

He shook his head into his hands.

"I wanna move back, Jess." He looked at me seriously.

That's all he said. I didn't know what I was supposed to say. I didn't know he was feeling homesick. It seemed like all of a sudden he was totally depressed about it.

"Benj?" I asked as he started to ready himself for bed.
"Just nevermind. It's ok, I mean, we live here and Iz was born here and everything…"
"Benj, jeez, can't we talk about it before you get all crazy?"
"I know what you're going to say Jessa and I don't wanna argue…it's still Christmas, and there will be no fighting on Christmas…" He turned down the covers. "EVER!"
***
He seemed so unhappy all of a sudden. Another new year and I felt like he was dissatisfied with California. I just wanted him to be, a-okay. It was hard for me to think of though. I grew up here, I grew up in San Diego. Sunshine, surf, it was part of me. I guess I kinda knew he didn't really like LA very much. Especially not with all the press buzzing around all the time.

So if what he wanted was to move…I mean I should be all supportive. Make him happy…but I didn't wanna move east. I mean…this was MY home. I wanted to make him happy but I wanted there to be another way to do it.

I munched on the carrots I was chopping up when he came into the kitchen with Ben. Sweat trickled down the side of Benji's face and he looked kind of winded.

"What happened to you?"
"I beat dad!" Ben announced.

They'd been outside all day doing father son stuff, I guess. "No moms allowed." Ben told me.

"Me and Cash are a bit older than Ben and Lennon." Benj sighed, catching his breath.
"Oh really, did you work up a good appetite?"
"Yeah!" Benji smiled and reached into the bowl on the counter.
I slapped his hand away. "Go wash your hands. You smell like dog."
"I can beat you upstairs, dad!"
"I'm not gonna argue." Benji held up his hands. "Go wash your hands, buddy."

Ben raced up and Benji went to the kitchen sink. He hummed as he washed his hands. I giggled internally.

"Benj…about the other night, East coast…" Now was a good time as any to pose the topic.
"Jess…" He shook his head. "Just don't worry about it. It doesn't matter."
"Benji, of course it matters." I pushed.
"Fine, so what do you wanna talk about?"
"How 'bout starting with where this is coming from." I chopped my vegetables.
"Joel just brought it up. How much he misses it. How he wants to show Sam and he's right and I want that too."
"So you wanna move over there…" It kinda made me nervous. I really really didn't like the idea of changing my life around.

"Look, babe, I understand if you don't want to." He reasoned.
"Benj…" I dropped my knife. "I don't like feeling like I'm keeping you from something. I don't want you to be unhappy."
"Hey, no, Jess, I'm really happy. Happy with you and Ben and Iz and everything, it's really, really great…but…I just…I feel…" he paused, and it made me worried.
"Babe, what's the matter?"
"I just miss it. I wanna go home."
"So, you wanna uproot us?"
"No…see, just forget it."

I sighed we weren't getting anywhere. I was too stubborn, too afraid. I liked the way my family was down the freeway. I liked how Joel was a few blocks away. Ben was going to a good school. The center of my career was here. I was afraid to change what I had grown so used to. I wanted to be totally selfish.

"I understand that you miss it, but Benji, our life is here and…"
"I know I know." He muttered.
"My hands are all clean now." Ben marched back in. "Can I have some juice?"
"Sure." Benji went to him in the doorway. "Let's set the table." It was the perfect way to escape the conversation.

I sighed.
***
"Is Iz awake?" Jessa sighed into the darkness of 2am, when I woke her.
"No. Listen…" I strained my ears. We got really quiet and could hear Isabel making noise next door.

"I think she's singing." I smiled.
"Singing? Benj…"
"Shhhh." I hushed.

She intermingled words/sounds with a series of humming. It almost was singing. It was cute. Maybe she was too little to really be singing, but that's what it sounded like to me and that's what I was gonna say it was when I showed off to Joel later. We decided she would put herself back to sleep in a few minutes, since she wasn't crying and seemed to have insomnia.

I couldn't stop thinking about home. Thinking about how much I missed it, wanted it, but how much it hurt Jessa, how much she wanted to be here. I sighed again. I couldn't figure out how to make a compromise. How to squash my feelings. Should I have too? I mean I didn't want to make Jessa upset, but this was one thing I really REALLY wanted.

Under the covers she ran her hand over my chest and across my belly. I shivered in excitement.

"Baby." She whispered against my ear.
"Hmm?" I pulled her closer to me.
"Do you really miss it that much?"
"Jess," I shook my head in the darkness. "Look, just…it's okay, our life is here now."

She sighed and rested her head on me.

"Baby, I don't want you to be unhappy. and if you really want it that much…if you really aren't happy in California…" She said slowly, pausing, unsure if she could actually say these things. I could feel the apprehension in her body.

"Jess, don’t…"
"We should move back East. Move to DC."
"No, Jess." I automatically shook my head. I didn't want to make her do things she didn't want to do. "This is our home now…"
"I don't want you to be homesick and sad, Benji. Your family's over there, we could be closer to them." She explained, but I think she was gonna cry. "And we can get away from all the craziness in LA, run away from all this pressure."
"Jess.." Was she really saying this?

"Don't argue with me." She sounded hurt.
"Are you serious, Jess?"

She nodded. "I've been thinking hard about it all day. I mean we wouldn't be able to move for a little while, but…"
"You would really be able to do that for me?" I bit my lip.
"Benji, I could do anything for you." She ran her hand across my chest again.

I just stared at my amazing and beautiful wife. I squeezed her.

"I love you." I whispered and kissed her.
"I love you more." She kissed back.

Next door Isabel sang. "Lala lala, bunnie, lala lala."
*** "Back Home"
Yellowcard

Don't know what I was looking for when I went home, I found me alone
And sometimes I need someone to say, "You'll be all right. What's on your mind?"
But the water's shallow here and I am full of fear, and empty handed after two long years

Another sunny day in Californ-i-a
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance to feel it

Back home I always thought I wanted so much more, now I'm not too sure
Cause sometimes I miss knowing someone's there for me and feeling free
Free to stand beside the ocean in moonlight
And light myself a smoke beneath the dark Atlantic sky

Another sunny day in Californ-i-a
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance, before you get a chance to feel it

Everybody here is living life in fear of falling out of line
Tearing lives apart and breaking lots of hearts just to pass the time
And the eyes get red in the back of your head, this place will make you blind
Put it all behind me and I'll be just fine

Another sunny day beneath this cloudless sky
Sometimes I wish that it would rain here
And wash away the west coast dreaming from my eyes
There's nothing real for them to see here

Another starry night in Californ-i-a
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance, before you get a chance to feel it

Part 7
All the boxes had been packed and they were already sitting in the big empty living room at 3692 Deep Creek Road, Annapolis, Maryland, our new home. It'd taken a 2 years since the decision but we did it, and we were finally going East.

For a while it seemed like we weren't going to move. It was just one thing after another keeping us here. Jessa's movie, my new record, club tours, award shows, press tours, and oh yeah we got pregnant again. And in between going to Billy's wedding and prenatal visits we flew to Maryland 3 times house shopping. It was nuts, but today, tonight actually, we were flying 'home' for good.

Once Joel and I decided we were moving it didn't take long for the rest of the band to follow suit. Lilly and Paul were already planning to move back before we said anything and were already living there now. They had been for about 6 months. Chris seemed a little weary of moving to a place he'd never been, but he said he didn't want to be further away from the band than he was. I still didn't know what he meant by that. Billy and Carly were flying with us tonight

This was a huge deal for Jessa. She'd never had to leave California for anything. Now she had to deal with snow and actual seasons. It was a big change, but Jess was prepared for this one sacrafice, for me. All year I told her she didn't have too and all year she told me we were moving anyway. She was leaving family, she was leaving her film community and all her friends, but she was doing it for me and I loved her for it.

The house was mostly empty except our bags and a couple of essentials. We'd spent the night all curled up in the living room. Isabel insisted on sleeping in between us, but couldn't go to sleep cause she was so excited. Ben slept with Lennon at his feet and our new baby boy was in the bassinet at Jessa's side.

Noah. He was gorgeous. Just like Jessa. Same rusty colored eyes, but he did still bear resembalence to me. Strong genes, I guessed.

The only one not making the move was Cash.
***
"How ya feeling buddy?" Joel leaned over our dog, gently rubbing his head.

He was a old guy now, moving really slow, going blind, losing his hearing. It made me wanna cry. In fact I had cried already. I remember going down to the humane society and picking him out. I remember his little puppy face, how he pissed in my car, how he was both Joel's and I's, but mostly mine.

He seemed so fragile right now, laying on the kitchen tile. I felt like he knew. He knew we were gonna put him the car and that he wasn't gonna come back. Everyday he'd just get worse and worse. I couldn't stand it. I talked with Joel and we made the decision together. The decision that we had to put Cash down.

"C'mon Cash, let's go to the car." I coaxed. Cash groaned as he stood up. Joel frowned and patted him down again as he attached the leash to his collar.

We walked slowly through the house, careful he didn't bump into things.

"Are you going bye bye?" Isabel stood up bouncing on her toes, wanting to come along.
"Yeah, sorry, baby, you gotta stay here."
"Noo, no Daddy, I wanna go with you and Cashy."
"I'm sorry. Say bye bye to Cashy."

She furrowed her young eyebrows and crossed her arms. "Bye bye Cashy." She poked his nose. "Eww, doggy boogers." She wiped her fingers on Joel's pants.

Izzy followed us as we went outside and I saw Ben a few driveways down making circles on his bike. "Ben!" I called. "You wanna say bye to Cash?"

He raced back, stopping just short of Cash's paws. Cash looked up at Ben, with his sad dark eyes. Ben leaned down and hugged him.

"Bye Cash. I promise Len's not a better dog than you are." He said, and I couldn't help smiling.

From the backyard Lennon yelped. I think she knew too. I didn't want to do it. I really didn't. I wanted to pick him up and take him back inside. He was my first child, he really was, and I couldn't bear to lose him.

I felt the tears pricking my eyes and I shut them tight in protest. Trying to remember how the vet told me about Cash's condition, that a move like that wouldn’t be very helpful to him. That he was going to suffer. There really was no other way.

"C'mon Cash." I pulled on the leash leading him to the car. "Jess!" I called out to her in the garage, "We're leaving now."

She peaked her head out, sadness in her eyes. "Oh." She looked down at Cash, her eyebrows stitched and her lip quivered. She quickly put on a brave grimace. "Oh Cash." She kneeled and hugged him. "I'm going to miss you so much." Cash grunted. "I'll never forget when I met you and Benji."

She stood up, and stared at him sadly until Noah started crying and she turned to retrieve him from his seat on top of the dryer. She came back out after she put the dryer through another cycle, that we'd been using to soothe Noah to sleep. She enveloped me in a hug and squeezed me. She rubbed her hand back and forth in support before patting my shoulder and giving me a kiss. She reached over and gave Joel a hug too.

"Thanks Jess." He half smiled, and then sighed, leaning down again to rub Cash's head.
"We'll be home soon…" I hated thinking about what those words meant.
"I'll call Alex, we can all have dinner or something, k?" She tried to be comforting. I nodded.

We continued towards the car. We nestled him in the backseat, he slumped down on the leather interior and sighed.

"I can't drive, Joel." I said quietly, slipping into the passangers seat and handing him the keys. He nodded and took the wheel. We looked at each other apprehensively as he started the car, backed out of the driveway and drove off.

The trip seemed impossibly short. We kept looking behind us, he looked miserable. I don't wanna do this to ya buddy. I looked him in the eye hoping he'd read my mind. It's all gonna be better Cashdogg, I swear.

In the vets we signed some papers and things, making documents of his…death. I wondered if we could have a funeral, like bury him or spread his ashes or something.

"Misters Madden?" a nurse beckoned us.

We got up slowly, each of us pushing the other further towards the door, like we didn't want to pass through that threshold, afraid of what was on the other side of it. Of course when we did pass we found out it wasn't the fiery pits of hell just a room, a lot like a human doctor's office, only instead of a diagram of a man, it was a golden retriever.

The vet frowned at us, but quickly nodded.

"I know it's hard, but try to understand it's best for Cash." He said. "I'll give you a few minutes to say you're goodbyes. Then we'll do what we need to do."

They left us alone with him again. We looked at Cash and at each other and back at Cash again. Joel stepped forward first. He kneeled down and wrapped his arms around Cash's neck. He leaned into his ear and said a few words. He stood up and frowned. He looked over at me and motioned me towards Cash. I swallowed.

I didn't know what I was gonna say to him, but I had to say something didn't I? This was it. This was the last time I was gonna see him, I mean, until I die I guess. I walked across to him and just stared at him. I hugged him. I hugged him with all my strength. He was my puppy. My little baby that I raised and I didn't wanna let him go. Suddenly he whined against my ear and gave me a big lick up the side of my face.

"Bye, buddy." I squeezed again, then stepping back and wiping my face.
***
It made my heart flutter now, I missed him so much, it killed me inside. I'm not ashamed to say I cried like a little girl when I got home. Isabel got all scared and kept asking me if I needed to go to a 'hosipal'. 'You have owwies, Daddy?' 'Yeah, my heart has an owwie.' 'Ohhh.' She made the little face I loved. 'Imma fix it.' and she gave me one of her good little hugs and a kiss, then ran off to find her doctor bag.

But it had been 2 months now and we were leaving tonight. TONIGHT! Our whole lives were tucked away into boxes and bags and sent off across the country. Our new house was great. It was huge too. We had to fly out 3 times to look at houses and the moment we stepped inside we knew, this was home.

So we signed papers and flew 'home' and put the house on the market. Jessa gave birth in October and we finished all our other preperations for the move, like enrolling Ben in school, he was on spring break now. He hated the idea, even though he had spent most of his life there already. I think it had to do with changing schools, leaving behind friends. Izzy, however, was excited to move. She eagerly packed all her toys and picked out her favorite books, CDs and stuffed animal for the plane trip. She even picked out her clothes to wear on the plane. She picked them out 2 months ago, but it's okay.

I walked through the empty house and looked at the walls where pictures had once hung. Pictures of Isabel as a baby (well, she'll always be my baby), Ben's school pictures, pictures of me and Jessa, of Joel and Alex and everybody. I was gonna miss this place, I had to admit.

In this living room I had watched a thousand movies with Jess and seasame street with Iz and baseball games with Ben. In this kitchen we'd made breakfast and made love. In that backyard I played tug of war with Cash and Len and catch with Ben, for hours on end. There was the stretch of floor Isabel ambled her young legs across for the first time. there had been a whole world between these walls. Loving words, angry words, moans, groans, cries, screams, barks had echoed, bounced and would stay forever etched in the walls.

But I was ready to begin a whole new chapter of our lives and I smiled to myself. I couldn't wait to create new memories.

Isabel was sitting on the floor in the office with Lennon and her favorite stuffed animal, the one Joel had given her for her 2nd birthday, a green hippo she called Anthony. Lennon sighed as Iz pretended Tony was riding len's back.

"Go, Len-Len, go, go." She urged lifting one paw off the ground.
"Hey, Izzy, whatcha doin'?" I kneeled down.
"Daddy, Anthony needs a ride." She shook the hippo in my face.
"He does?" I grinned and she nodded her head fiercely, her two pony tails bouncing up and down.

I picked her up and lifted her onto my shoulders. Isabel giggled and shrieked with delight. She held Anthony on my head.

"Alright, where does Anthony need to go?"
"Um…over there!" Iz pointed.

I carried her throughout the house for about 15 minutes, her giggling and laughing the whole time. I went back to the office, so Iz could deboard using the counter. I found Ben on the floor, seemingly playing cards with Lennon.

"Go fish." He said, then picked out a card from the pile and gave it to Lennon. She yipped.
"Bean, Daddy gave me and Anthony a ride around!" Isabel said excitedly.
"Cool, Izzy. Got any 4's?" He looked at Lennon seriously. He reverted his gaze to me. "I'm hungry."
"Yeah me too." I rubbed my belly.
"Yeah, me too." Isabel nodded about a hundred times.
"Where's Mom?" I asked Ben.
"I dunno, upstairs? We were gonna play cards, but she had to do something with Noah." He rolled his eyes.

Ben had been a lot less jealous this time around with Noah, than he'd been of Isabel, but it came out sometimes.

"He's a baby, Ben, remember that." I reminded him.

Ben shook his head and dove his hand into Lennon's deck.

"Well, I'm gonna talk to Mommy and then we can go get something to eat."
"Can I go?" Isabel bounced on the counter.
"Sure! You wanna come Ben?"

He shook his head.

"Alright, I'll be right back baby." I told Iz as I set her on the floor. She nodded slightly.
"Whatcha doin', Bean?"
"Hey." He suddenly smiled at Isabel. "You wanna play Go Fish?"
Isabel cocked her head to the side and thought about it. Finally she nodded. "Okay."

"You win, Len." Ben picked up the cards all over the floor and took Isabel's hand leading her to the living room floor. Lennon followed them. They sat down and he began explaining the rules of the game. Lennon laid down and sighed.

As soon as I got upstairs I could already hear Jessa, Noah, and running water. I gently rapped on the bathroom door as I entered.

"Hey." I grinned.
"Hey." Jessa smiled at me and quickly reverted her attention to Noah, sitting in the sink. He was sucking on a clean washcloth. Looks like she was giving him a bath. I watched them a few more moments, he looked adorable. Jessa finished up and wrapped him in a clean cream colored towel. She smiled at me again.

"What's up?"
"Huh, oh, we're all hungry, I should go get something to eat."
"Yeah, I'm getting hungry too." Noah continued sucking on his towel and staring at me.
"Hi, baby boy." I said and he smiled.

Jessa bounced him in her arms. "You're all clean now, aren't you baby boy?" He cooed and made noise, as he clawed at her breast with his free hand.

"I think Noh's hungry too." She laughed. "I'm gonna feed him, why don't you take the kids to Jack in the Box or something. Bring me a Jumbo Jack and a coke."
"Yeah, alright, but Ben doesn't wanna go."
"Oh, okay." She nodded, "I'll go downstairs in a minute. We can play cards"

I went back down as Jessa went to change Noah.

"Go fishie." Isabel told Ben.
"You're supposed to ask me what card you want"
"Ok, what card you want?" She asked and fanned her cards Ben's way.
"Nooooooooo" He pushed them back. "Don't show me. What card do you want?"
"Um…" she put her finger to her lips as she contemplated. "This one" She held the card up.
"IZ-ZY!"
"Okay, that's enough."
"She doesn’t play right!" Ben crossed his arms.
"Ben, stop it. She doesn't understand the game. C'mon kiddo, let's go to Jack in the Box." I came towards Iz.
"YAY!" She bounced up.
"Go to the bathroom first." I directed her upstairs. "Sure, you don't wanna go Ben?"
"No."
"Ben?" I pushed.
"I don't wanna go?!" He made a face.
"What do you want to eat?"
"Nothing, I don't care." He pouted.

I sighed and rolled my eyes as Isabel returned. "Alright then,come on baby girl. Mom's upstairs, she'll come play Go Fish with you in a minute."
"Whatever."
"Ben, knock it off."

He sat on the floor and didn't say anymore as he picked up his cards. I took Isabel's hand out the door.
***
"Ok, buckled up sweetie?"

Isabel nodded in the rearview mirror.

"Alright. Shades." I slipped my black frames on my face. Isabel did the same. "What music do you want?"
"Phanum Planit." She yelled.

Phantom Planet was one of Jessa's favorite bands. I wasn't too into them, but Isabel was hooked. I couldn't argue with her. I slipped in the cd of theirs I actually liked and watched Iz bobbing her head along to the music.

"You're sucha big brat." Isabel sang in the back seat. I couldn't help but smile. She looked more and more like Jess everyday. She was so beautiful.

Jack in the Box wasn't far and I knew why Jessa wanted to eat here. There were no Jack in the Boxes in Maryland and it was her favorite fast food.

"Daddy?" Isabel called urgently as I began to pull into the drive thru.
I turned down the stereo. "What is it baby?"
"I needa go potty."
"I thought you went before we left?" I asked.
"But I needa goooooooo." She bounced around in her seat.
"Alright, alright." I pulled into a parking space we'd have to go inside. Great! Isabel and her tiny bladder.

I straightened my shades and opened her door. She had already unbuckled herself and scooted her way out. She took my hand.

"Come on, come on Daddy." She pulled me.

This was gonna be tricky. Where am I supposed to take my little girl to the bathroom? The men's room, yeah right, she's 3. She does not need to see that stuff, I mean it was hard enough taking Ben in there. I can't let her go into the girls bathroom by herself…

"Hold on, baby." I stopped her at the threshold before the two restrooms. I called Jessa's cell, we already had the phone disconnected.
"Benj? What's up?" She asked. 'Go fish' I heard in the background.
"Uh..I have a problem."
"Have any 5's? What is it?" She asked.
"Isabel has to go to the bathroom." A woman stared at me on her way out. Isabel hopped up and down hand holding her crotch.

I think Jessa laughed. "You have to take her into the ladies room, Benj."
"What?" I yelled. "But, Jess…"
"You don't have a choice, Benji." She explained. "The women will understand."
"DAAAAAAAAAADDDDYY!" Isabel screamed.
"Okay, bye."
"Good luck." Jessa hung up.
"Ok…let's go." I smiled nervously as I pushed open the door to the womens restroom. The woman washing her hands looked at me strangely, but I kept my head down as I helped Iz into a stall.

She hummed a song as she peed and I waited just outside the stall door. She was done in a few seconds.

"I'm done daddy!"
"Okay, sweetie." I replied feeling like every woman in the place was staring at me.

She popped out and I helped her wash her hands. I'd never felt so embarressed in my whole life. We hustled out as quick as possible. I held her against my hip.

"Daddy, can I have fried?"
I laughed. "Fries, Iz."
"Right." She nodded.
"Benji?" I looked up and was faced with Dylan Shawbell. I'd met him only one time before, but I've seen his picture enough to know. "Wow, uh, this is…wow."
"HI!" Isabel waved at him and grinned.
"Hi," He smiled back. "What's you're name?"
"Iz." She said in her happy 3-year-old voice.
"Iz?" he questioned me.
"It's Isabel." I explained.

"Oh, that's a very pretty name." He smiled. "She looks a lot like Jess."
"What are you doing here?"
"Lunch break." He shrugged. "I work across the street, Franklin Medical Center. I'm a resident pediatrician."
"Oh, were getting some dinner." I nodded. It felt weird talking to him.
"Oh." He nodded, he obviously felt the same way.

We were quiet a minute and I almost just left, but he spoke up.

"How's Jessa?" He asked.
I tried to control myself, I couldn't get upset about this, it would be stupid. "She's doing good."
"Tell her I saw Man of the Year." He chuckled. "It was really funny."
"Yeah." It was a really funny movie actually, that Colin Hanks was good.
"Daddy, I need to get back to my Noah."
"Her Noah?" He asked.
"Her little brother." I explained feeling a little smug about it.
"Oh." Dylan paused. "Oh, so you, you have two kids."
"No, actually, we have three."
"Oh." He smiled nervously, then frowned. "Well that's really good. Jessa always wanted to be a mom." He nodded. "Look, Benji, maybe…it doesn't…this is really stupid, but I don't hate you or anything. I don't love Jessa anymore, but I, I missed her for a long time and I regretted ruining it with her, but…she's really…she's happy now, with you."

"Dylan…"
"I just wanted you to know that I want you guys to be happy and good and…all the best." He patted my shoulder.

I smiled. "Thank you."
"Yeah." He nodded and walked away. "Nice meeting you, Isabel."
"Bye bye." She waved. "He smells funny." She told me.

I laughed as I made my way up to the counter to order.
***
"Jess, Joel and Billy are here!" Benji called to me upstairs. "Ow, and Carly"
"Alright," I called back.

I looked around our bedroom. The once pale blue walls were painted white, it was empty. It didn't look remotely like the room we shared together. In two days it was gonna be filled with someone else's bed, someone else's stuff. It wasn't our room anymore. I picked up Noah's baby carrier, Noh fast asleep inside. He looked absolutely peaceful, he always folded his hands together when he was asleep and it reminded me of an angel. I smiled.

I took one more look at the room before I closed it behind me. I looked at the whitewashed hallway, all 4 closed doors. I remember the first time I came up those steps, going through the bathroom and watching Benji change. So much had changed since then hadn't it. It seemed like I was a child then.

I came down the stairs careful not to wake Noah.

"You alright?" Billy asked me.
"Huh?" I popped out of my daze. "Yeah, I'm okay. Just thinking."
"Well, don't think so much." Billy grinned at me and knocked on my head.
"So we gonna pack up the cars?" Joel asked, stretching.
"Yeah." Benji picked up one large bag by the door.
"I'll help." Ben went for one of the bags, but it was bigger than he was.
Billy chuckled, "Why don't I help ya there, Ben?"

Carly followed me to the bed, still made up on the floor. We started folding up blankets and sheets, while the guys and Ben took the stuff to our Expedition and Joel's Range Rover.

"I can't believe this is it." I sighed.
"Yeah. I mean I never thought I'd move to the US, let alone marry an American or move to Maryland." Carly said in her thick accent.
I laughed. "Hey, I never thought I'd move to Maryland either."
"I suppose it'll be great though. But Bill's been crazy the past month."
"Why?"
"Well the fear of flying."
"Billy has a fear of flying?"
"You didn't know that?" She laughed. "Guess he kinda keeps it to himself, but yeah, terrified. He hates when he has to fly. He never could make the trip out to Oz, I always came here."
"Aww" I made a sympathetic face. "So, what's he doing tonight to curb his fear."
"I told him I'd help him." She nodded. "I think he oughtta just get pissed before we board. He'll be too goofy to be scared of anything."
"What are you talking about?" Joel stared at us.
"Nothing, quit being such a nosy ninny." Carly sneered.

Joel shrugged. Isabel pulled on Joel's sweatshirt.

"Unclejoel?" Isabel strung the words together, her little face was pouty.
Joel crouched to her level and smiled at her. "What's up princess?"
"Where's Anthony?"
"I dunno, did you lose him?"

Her brown eyes filled with tears and she let out a long wail. Within seconds Benji was back in the house.

"What'd you do to her?" Benji asked, accusingly, picking Isabel up.
"N-nothing." Joel looked stunned.
"What's the matter, baby?"
"Unclejoel lose Anthony!" She sobbed.
"No, I didn't!"

Benji stared at his brother, did he really just defend himself to a 3-year-old?

"I think Anthony's over there, sweetie." I came over and brushed imaginairy hair out of her eyes.

Isabel's eyes lit up as she spotted him on the floor next to Lennon. She clapped her hands together.

"Yay!"
"YAY!" Joel joined her and was then greeted by infant crying. "Uh oh."
"Uh oh!" Isabel mimicked, little mouth making an oh and one hand on her cheek. "My baby's awake. Momma, get my baby."

Carly was already picking him up out of the carrier. "Shhh, it's alright Noah." He continued crying until he was in my arms.

"Are we gonna go yet?" Ben whined.
"Just about." Benji nodded. "Joel, you…"

Joel's phone rang to the tune of…'Itsy Bitsy Spider'?!? weirdo. He gave us all an embarressed look.

"Hi, babe. Uh huh, uh huh." He nodded. Joel was a good husband, very much a yes man. Benji was too, but he whined while he did it. "You want…what?…ok…ok, yeah, I'll search for it, I guess...ok…love you too…ok…ok…love you…ok..bye…ok!"

Finally he hung up. He rolled his eyes. "Pregnant women, sheesh!"

Alex was around 29 weeks pregnant, so she, Joel, Sam and the new baby couldn't move for another 3 or 4 months. At first Benji wanted to stay until he and Joel could move at the same time, so that they didn't have to be apart, but the house sold faster than we expected it to and we were kinda forced to go.

"Come we better get going, I don't want the chinese place to close." Joel urged.
***
The airport was packed as usual, but our flight wasn't very full. Billy did as Carly suggested and they spent a little while at the airport bar, but I don't think it did him good. He still seemed a little freaked out.

We were all basically ready to board except for some goodbye's to Joel.

"Bye, Joel." I gave him a warm satisfying hug, Joel was a good hugger.
"Bye Jess."
"Bye bye, Unclejoel." Isabel reached up her arms to him. He leaned down and scooped her up.
"Bye, Princess." He gave her a kiss.
"Say bye bye to Anthony." She pushed her stuffed hippo in his face. He gave Anthony a kiss.
"Bye bye, Anthony." He gave Iz another kiss and then put her on the floor.

He approached Ben, next. "Bye, buddy." He said leaning down to give him a hug.
"Bye Uncle Joel. I'll see you later"

He said goodbye to Billy and Carly and finally Benji.

"See ya, bro." Joel smiled.
"Yup." Benji simply nodded.

Joel made a face then forced Benji into a full hug. "I'll be seeing ya in no time."
"I know."
"Maybe, I'll have a princess of my own."
"You really wanna girl, huh?" Benji laughed, patting his brother on the back.
"I can't get it out of my head." Joel grinned. "Bye Benj, warm up MD for me."
"You got it, bro."

"Is it time to go bye bye?" Isabel looked from me to Benji.
"Yup. Let's go baby girl."
"YES!" She did a little dance.

We laughed as we got to the gate and down the metal corridor to our seats. Billy looked around and tapped his foot nervously. The alcohol obviously made him more paranoid than relaxed.

"Whatsa matter, uncle Billy?" Isabel asked him with her concerned face.
"I'm ok, sweetie, I just don't feel very well."
"How come? Do you have a feber? Do you needa throw up?" She asked sympathetically.
"No, it's ok." He said shakily.
"Maybe you should take a nappy. When I take a nappy and then I wake up I feel good." She explained.
"Yeah, love, maybe Iz's right." Carly agreed.
"I'm gonna be okay, I don't need a nap." He rolled his eyes.

It was gonna be a long flight, I could tell.
***
"Daddy, can you fix my head things?" Isabel waved her headphones at me, the cord was all tangled. "I can't hear them."
"Sure baby." They also weren't plugged in I noticed. I quickly un-did the knot and plugged the adapter back in, music came blaring out.

"Rancid?" I asked.
"Ruuuuby, ruuuuby, ruby, ruby soho." She replied and I slipped headphones back over her ears. She hopped around to the music. I just loved my daughter. I love that we taught her the important things first. I laughed.

"Dad, do you wanna play cards?" Ben tapped me and rested his head on his shoulder. He already played 50 games with Jessa and she was now busy feeding Noah.

"Alright."
"Hey!" Billy stuck his head between our seats. "Deal me in!" Then he laughed.
"Love, why don't you calm down." Carly told him.
"I am calm. I'm Billy." He giggled, Billy had had a few more drinks on the plane to compliment the beers he had at the airport bar. At least he wasn't freaking out. He freaked out really bad once when we went to Japan.
"Hey, Ben, why don't we…" I looked at Billy's stupid puppy dog grin. "Why don't I, show you how to play poker?"
"Yeah, poker's fun, one time I won $40 and a hooker playing poker." Billy told.
"Uh…okay, Bill. But we're gonna play with airplane pretzels."
"Yeah, pretzels are good too." Billy nodded.

We played poker for about an hour. Billy kept raising the pot, then laughing and saying 'I'm bluffing, can you tell?' Ben was pretty good, I mean for an 8-year-old playing against his dad and a drunk guy. It was one of the weirdest plane trips I'd ever been on. I was used to flying with my band, not my kids. Isabel was fast asleep, her head phones drooping around her neck, Anthony smushed between her and the armrest. Jessa was asleep as well and Carly was reading.

I smiled to myself. This was gonna be my life from now on. Wife and kids. True, I had my band and my 'career' (still think it's funny to call what I do a career, I get to hang out for a living.), but this was going to be my everyday and that made me happy. Knowing that I had spent such a long time unhappy, I thought it wouldn't ever happen, but BANG, just like that, it's mine.

And thank God it was.
***
It was pretty late when we finally reached our 'home.' Ben and Isabel were totally crashed out and Noah was busy with another bottle. I was incredibly tired. And now I had to unpack...oh no. It took Benji a little bit to find the right key to unlock the door and I waited in agony with Isabel in my arms. Ben woke up enough to walk into the house and Benji had Noah in the carrier.

Finally he swung open the door, this was it, the end, Calfornia was over and now I officially lived in Maryland. I set Isabel on a plastic covered couch and Ben laid next to her, immediately falling back to sleep.

"Sooo?" I looked at Benji.
"We should make up their beds." He nodded.

It took us an hour and a half together to get our stuff inside, push the mattresses upstairs and make them up with sheets and blankets. We didn't bother with the bedframes, but we did have to put together Noah's crib. Isabel and be were gonna share a bed tonight, because it was much too much work to bring up two beds, as it was Benji and I were sleeping downstairs.

I carried Isabel and Benji had to carry Ben. We settled them in bed and took off their shoes. Benji tickled their feet as he removed their socks. He laughed to himself as he covered them up. I gave Ben and Iz kisses and went to lay Noah in his crib. Benji was busy tucking them in himself. I watched him from the doorframe.

"Goodnight, little kiddos. Daddy loves you." He said giving them each a kiss. "I'll be here in the morning when you wake up."

He smiled, sighed and stood up. He quietly shut the door behind us.

"Benj, you're adorable." I smiled.

He grinned at me, making me blush from inside out.

"Am I?" He widened his eyes.
I shut my eyes and shook my head. "Impossibly."
"Aww," He came across the landing and took me in his arms. He nuzzled my neck, laying little kisses and licks on all my sensitive spots. "You're adorable too." He whispered.

I chuckled as he pushed me into the wall.

"Shall we christen the house, Jess?" he whispered seductively.
"I thought we already did?" I pointed out and he picked up his head to look at me. We both fell into hysterics, like giggly teenagers, remembering when the realtor left us alone in the house for like half an hour, right before we signed on the dotted line.

"This is the after escow escapade."
"Ooo, we name our sexual encounters now?"
"Mmm, don't you think we should?" He started undoing his belt, tugging his pants down and going right to work on mine.
"Geez, Benj.."
"Shh, no talking."
"Well, Benj…" I gasped as he undid my shirt buttons with his mouth. HE UNDID MY SHIRT BUTTONS WITH HIS MOUTH. "Oh, God." I suddenly grinned.
"I thought I said no talking." He scolded.

I made a zipper motion along my lips as he picked me up and pressed me up against the wall. He kissed me again, his thumbs lightly rubbing my hips.

"Mmm, mmm!!" I tried to get his attention while his tongue entered my mouth. He tore away angrily. "What? I'm busy."

I plead with my eyes.

He sighed and rolled his eyes. "You can talk."
"Thank you." I ahemmed. "Don't you think we should get 'busy' somewhere else…We are in the hallway."
He gawked at me.
"We do have 3 children, you know. Two of them can walk and talk and semi understand seeing their naked parents in the hallway."
"FINE!" He grabbed me and pulled me into the first empty room. "You're gonna pay for interrupting, little girl."

God, I hoped so.
***
I swear it was nearly morning when we finally went downstairs. The kids were gonna wake up before we even got a chance to sleep. And I was fully exhausted now. I yawned loudly and shifted on the mattress. I shut my eyes trying to get a little bit of sleep before Noah was hungry again.

"Babe." Benji grabbed my hip under the covers.
"What is it?" I kept my eyes closed.
"Jess open your eyes." He coaxed. I opened them slowly and looked at him.
"What, Benj?"
"I love you."
"Aww, babe, I know that."
"No, Jess I felt like telling you, right now." He explained. "I'm so happy we did this."
"I'll get used to it here, I swear, it's nice and quiet and…"
"Not this…THIS." He emphasized. "That we, I dunno, got together. That we didn't runaway from each other."

I smiled. "Did you ever doubt us?"
"Yeah." He nodded. "A lot. I always loved you, wanted you, but I thought 'oh, this'll never work' and now…"
"I love you." I hugged him tight. I kissed him. He grinned at me.
"But I love you more."