Part 1
"Well I gotta get going. Birth of my child and all. Bye now." I waved to the little cluster of girls.
"Bye Benji." They shouted back. "Congratulations"
"Thanks, bye." I made a final wave and slipped onto the bus, looking down at the perfect platinum band around my finger. It covered the 'N' and sorta ruined the tattoo, but it meant more than something stupid I did because I saw it in a movie.

I smiled to myself. I couldn't wait to be home and see Jess. To lay with her, my wife, in our warm bed, instead of my cold empty bunk or even emptier hotel room. I couldn't wait to see her bulging belly, she must have grown a lot. I wanted to feel my baby again. I wanted to talk to him or her.

Paul was on his phone in the front lounge of the bus. "Okay…okay. Bye-bye. Say bye-bye? Give the phone to mommy, Xander. Xander!"

I chuckled. As usual Xander did whatever popped into his little Xander head.

"I think he just put the phone on the floor." Paul rolled his eyes.

I laughed again and continued towards my bunk. Joel was on the phone from his bunk above mine.

"I'm just glad I haven't missed it." He must be talking to Alex. She should've popped almost 2 weeks ago, but the kid was still kicking back in there. "I will not pass out! It's not like I've never seen it before. I can take it. How bad could it be?" He argued. "Husbands see their wives through labor all the time, Al, I can handle it."

Didn't he realize how loud and annoying he was? I laid down and brought my phone up to my ear. I turned slightly and looked at the photos I'd taped up. There was the baby's first picture that looked like TV static, a picture of Jess and I with cake and frosting all over our face from our wedding, and another picture of Jessa looking completely hot. I needed that one for the long lonely nights.

It had been the best and worst tour. Joel and I were miserable without our wives. That felt cool to say; Joel and I had wives. For the first time in our lives, we were dependant on more than just each other. And it wasn't just me and Joel. Paul was constantly on the phone with Lilly. Billy spent a lot of time online IMing Carly. Only Chris was free of the worry, joy and comfort of that certain someone.

But the tour was pretty awesome. We played clubs and every night sold out. SOLD OUT, I couldn't believe it. I thought we were a sellout poseur boyband with spikes. I thought people made fun of us, but there were tons of people singing along and loving every minute. And it felt good not having immature little girls getting jealous that we were married. If anything they complemented us or asked questions. We had a whole new breed of fans too. Teenagers who missed us the first time around. It was refreshing to see that Good Charlotte wasn’t dead.

Suddenly Jessa answered. "Hello?"
"Hi Babe." I grinned.
***
"Benji!" I smiled and rubbed my round belly.
"Have you missed me?"
"You? Why would I miss you?"
Benji laughed. "I'm gonna be home really soon."
"How soon is soon?"
"7 hour flight?"
"Nope, not soon enough. Wasn't that one of your vows. 'for richer for poorer in sickness and on time'?" I joked with him. I could see his grin see the dimples.
"I missed you." He said earnestly.
"I missed you too."

2 months. 2 whole months he'd been on tour. It was a form of torture. We talked almost nightly. But I hadn't touched my husband in 2 months. Miss him? I craved him…like cheesecake. Mmmm, cheesecake. Cheesecake from New York.

"Benj?"
"What's up, babe?"
"Are you headed to the airport like RIGHT NOW?"
"I think so, why?"
"I want cheesecake."
"What?" He laughed.
"Cheesecake. I want New York cheesecake." I whined.
"Uh….."
"Oh please Benji, please. Bring me a cheesecake and I'll give you sex when you get home."
"Can you still…?"
"No, but I can eat cheesecake off of you!"
"Hey!" I could heard Benji yelling. "Where can I get a cheesecake?"

I grinned. Having a husband was great. I was amazed how it really was different from having a boyfriend. Even though I had lived with Benji for about a year. Being married to him was new and exciting. Just being able to say "my husband, Benji" was an incredible feeling.

"Ok, I gotta go babe, but I'll bring you a cheesecake." He said. "I promise."
"Ok, love you."
"Love you too. Bye."
***
"I don’t know how you lot manage?" Carly toyed with one of the several earrings adorning the cartilage of her ear. "I couldn't stand it if Bill was away that long while I was preggers. I'd go mad."

Their plane had landed half an hour ago but it hadn't taxied at the gate yet. Carly, Alex and I were eagerly awaiting. Lilly hadn't shown yet. Alex groaned. She really wasn't up to much of anything. You could tell how uncomfortable she was, how much she wanted to get Joel and go home. I know her doctor wouldn't want her stressing in the middle of LAX. I wasn't very comfortable myself. I was 37 weeks. Benji was cutting it super close.

"Well you stayed on opposite sides of the world from him." I pointed out.
"Yeah, guess so. What is taking so bloody long?" She looked at her wrist. "It's 8:30 already."
"You guys wanna get breakfast when they get here?" Alex moped. "I'm hungry. HEY." She yelled at her belly. "Stop moving."

I laughed. She told me he was very active, early in the morning usually. My baby kicked occasionally and I think it was to get my attention sometimes, as if I could forget it was there. People began to spill out of the entry and I tried to determine if they looked like New Yorkers. They looked very business like. Suits, briefcases, very Wall Street. I hoped this was them.

"Is that Chris?" Alex peeked over heads.
"I, I think so." Carly squinted.

When three teenagers pushed past, biting their lips and clutching CD's, whispering 'it's them', I knew that it had to be our boys.

"Billy!!" Carly stood on the chair and waved her arms overhead. People's heads turned when the lanky black clad Billy rushed to meet her.

Paul, Chris, Joel and my husband weren't far behind. Benji grinned, not taking notice to the girl clamoring for him. She almost ran right into him 5 feet from me and that's when he finally noticed. She started talking and talking, speech running together making sounds not words.

"Hold on just a second, okay." Benji held up his hand.

He set a pink bakery box down and grinned at me while pulling me into a big hug. We held each others hands and laced our fingers together.

"I missed you, so much, baby."
"Did you bring me cheesecake?"
"Um hmm." He pointed. "But I wanna kiss first."

I smiled and kissed him for all the missed time. We held it for as long as our lungs could possibly stand and laughed when we broke away. The girl waited patiently hopping on one foot then the other. I ahemmed and motioned. Benji looked behind him.

He turned back to me. "Hang on, duty calls." He gave me a quick kiss and went to the girl. "Hey, what's up?" I heard him.

"I thought I was gonna miss it." Joel beamed at Alex and her still pregnant body.
"He likes it in there." Alex joked.
"Well who wouldn't?" Joel exclaimed.

We all stared at Joel.

"What? It's all warm and safe in there." He pointed. "I didn't mean it that way, pervs."
"Sure you didn't Joel." Billy teased.

I looked over at Benji as the girl kept chattering away. It was all punk rock this, rancid that. Then her mom joined her and made them pose. I was trying really hard to keep a straight face. Poor Benji. After a lifetime and a roll of Kodak he rejoined the rest of us.

"Where's my wife?" Paul said voice heavy with disappointment.
"Daddy!" a small voice pierced the terminal. We turned at saw a small dark haired boy thrashing through the airport, his petite blonde mother at least 10 steps behind him.

Xander reached us waving his arms wildly over his head, red juice stains around his mouth. He presented Paul with a piece of purple construction paper covered with crayon doodles.

"For me?" Paul asked taking it and examining it with pride. "Alright, buddy." Paul held out his hand and Xander slapped his tiny digits into it.

Lilly finally caught up. She looked in desperate need of a nap. "Okay. He's your son, now. I'm gonna take a 16 year vacation. Call me in San Tropez when he graduates."

Paul kissed her in response. A long passionate, get-a-room kinda kiss that left Lilly gasping for air. Yup, Paul gave Lilly an Al Gore. Xander toddled over to Benji.

"Unca Benny." He tugged on Benji's pants.
"Sup, little dude?" Benji picked him up.
"Where ruff ruffs?" Xander turned up his tiny palms.
"They're at my house…" He answered. "They're sleepin', pal."
"O-Tay." Xander seemed content. Then started playing with Benji's ears. He giggled and Xander giggled as well. Then Xander yanked off Benji's beanie revealing his bleached blonde head.

"Oh, Benj," I sighed. "You said no more changes."
"It's his fault." He pointed at Joel.
"MY fault? I didn't lose the bet." Joel claimed.
I laughed and mussed Benji's soft hair. "Nice job Benj, you look like Lilly."
"Okay, so we'll stop by the drug store on the way home." He rolled his eyes handing off Xander to his father.
"Naw, just keep it for awhile."
"Really?" Benji asked. "You like it?"

I shrugged; it's been worse.

"I wanna go home." Alex whined.
"Okay baby." Joel looked at her sympathetically.
"Yeah we should go too." Paul agreed. "Right X?"
"Uh huh." Xander nodded his little dark head.
"Yeah." Billy took Carly's hand.
"What's everybody gonna do?" Chris asked, cocking his bald head to the side.
"Go home." Benji picked up his bag and the cheesecake.
"You can come over later, if you want to Chris." I felt like we were all rubbing our relationships in his face.
"Naw, I don't wanna intrude or any—"
"Chris, c'mon, you aren't intruding. Call me later, promise?" I said giving him a hug.
"Alright Jess."
***
"Jessa, why'd you invite Chris over?" I didn't even try to hide my annoyance and maybe slight jealousy. "I thought it'd just be the two of us."
"Babe, he's so lonely. I didn't wanna leave him alone."
"He's not alone. He's got a cat." I pointed out.
"That's cold, Benj." She chastised me as we turned onto our cross street.
"C'mon Jess, I just got home. I wanna spend time with you. It's not like we have much time left. We're gonna be momma and daddy in a few weeks, no more Benji and Jess."
"Than think of Chris as our 27-year-old child."
"Jessa!"
"I'm not arguing about this." She said with finality.

"Fine." I turned up the radio angrily. The truck rattled at the turn just slightly. I turned down the radio and listened to the engine. This was getting old. I'd had it for about 8 years, I probably should have traded it in a long time ago. You'd think it'd be in better condition considering I didn't get to drive it very often.

We got home and Jessa climbed her way out, heading for the front door, not a word to me. I rolled my eyes and opened the back to get my stuff. I picked up my guitar case and reluctantly followed her. I looked back a minute and looked at the Escalade, it was filthy, I couldn't really imagine Jessa washing the cars at 8½ months pregnant. Beyond it I could see my neighbor, Robert, he was washing his truck.

The day we moved back from Joel's, he'd brought it home. It was nice, brand new Ford F250 with an extended cab, forest green. I made mine look like shit. Even Jessa's Explorer made mine look like shit.

The door slammed behind me and I dumped my stuff on the floor.

"Hey, babe, I want a new car." I said going into the kitchen.
"A new car? What for? You don't need one."
"Jess, that thing is old."
"So wash it!" She chewed on a carrot stick smothered in peanut butter. "You don't need a new car."
"I think I do."
"Benji, we can't afford it. We just spent a fortune on the house and the wedding and then the baby stuff. You can't get a new car." She pointed out.
"Fine." I crossed my arms.
"Don't be such a big baby, Benj, there is nothing wrong with your car." She rolled her eyes and munched on carrot again.
"Sorry." I didn't feel like fighting anymore. "I'm sorry."

I hugged her and opened my mouth. She stuck the peanut buttery carrot into my mouth.
"Mmm, good, but I’d rather have some cheesecake."
"Hmmm, me too." She grinned.
***
The phone rang waking me from my precious sleep. I groaned.

"Get the phone, Benji." Jessa complained.
"It's on your side."
She threw it at me. "Get the phone Benj." She yelled.
"Ow." I rubbed my sore arm. "hello?"
"I had a baby." Joel screamed in my ear.
"What?"
"I had a baby, I had a baby." He repeated. "I'm a dad Benj."
"Do you want a medal?" I groaned. "What do you want me to do about it?"

I hated being woken up and Joel knew that. Why couldn't he have called in the morning like a civilized person? Had I had my bearings, I would have had a long detailed 'what's it really like?' chat and a whole happy moment, but I didn't have my bearings. It was around 4 and I was in middle of a dream where Cash talked and sounded like Al Pacino and he led me to the drawbridge in this cloud city and Jessa was a playboy centerfold. It was vivid and strange and I was anxious to find out what Cash was gonna show me. Guess, I'll never know cause Joel's a daddy.

He'd kept talking through my entire train of thought and I had no idea what he was saying.

"…his ears, like mine and he's got blonde hair, Benj. First, I thought he was like totally bald, but Al says it'll get dar—"
"Joel, could you shut up?" I yelled and Jessa kicked me. "I know you're excited but we're asleep. We'll go see the baby at the hospital tomorrow okay?"
"Ok." Joel seemed to calm down a bit. "Night, Benji. Sorry. I,I didn't mean to wake you up."

I smiled content with getting back to sleep. I clicked the phone off and reached to set it on the nightstand. Then I realized what a dick I was to my brother. I'd expect him to be wide awake when I had my baby. Actually I'd expect him to come with me to the hospital. My guilty feelings got the better of me and I dragged myself out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Jessa asked groggily.
"Downstairs, go back to bed, baby." I patted her arm.

I took the phone with me and went into the kitchen. I took the remainder of the cheesecake out of the fridge and set it on the counter as I dialed Joel on speed dial and pressed the phone to my ear. It barely rang once.

"Benji!" Joel sounded eager.
"Hey, sorry. I was half asleep." I pulled out a can of whipped cream.
"It's cool. I'm just glad I have someone to talk to." Joel was probably grinning.
"So, what's it like?" I asked.
"Dude…it's…I'm a dad Benj."
"Yeah. What's the whole birth thing like?"
"The whole birth thing? Like when the baby comes out?"
"Yeah."
"I'm not gonna lie…it's kinda disgusting, but beautiful at the same time, ya know? Some guys get all scared and nervous, but I was cool. It wasn't that bad actually."

I'm sure it wasn't Joel. I rolled my eyes, imagining Joel screaming louder than Alex did. I mean I watched those videos the doctor gave us. Live birth was…interesting. Certainly not like anything I've ever seen. I shoveled cheesecake and whipped cream in my mouth.

"It happens really fast. Like all of a sudden there this little person that wasn't there before. It's crazy. He's all slimy and stuff, but man when they hand him to you…" Joel paused trying to find the right words. "There's nothing like it, Benji. Nothing."

I could just picture Joel at the hospital looking through and tapping the nursery glass, rocking his little boy in a rocking chair. I wanted one. I wish Jessa would just pop right now…I can't wait 2 weeks.

"So, how big was he?"
"9 pounds even." Joel was giddy. "23 inches long, I mean no wonder Alex was so huge. We were what 6½?"
"But we were twins." I pointed out.
"You're gonna come tomorrow right, with Jess?"
"Of course, I wanna see my nephew."
"He looks just like me Benj."
"Don't you mean me?" I joked. "I'm the blonde."
Joel laughed.

We sat quietly a minute and I yawned.

"Benj, we're still gonna be brothers right?"
"What do you mean?"
"Like we'll still go see each other all the time and hang out and talk and stuff. We won't forget each other?"
"Are you kidding Joel? Our kids are gonna play together all the time. Grow up together like we did."
"Promise me we won't leave the band behind either."
"I promise little brother." I half smiled to myself as I finished the cheesecake off. "Now I gotta get back in bed. I'll see ya tomorrow."
"Alright, night."
"Night daddy."

I laughed to myself and started pulling the phone to hang up, when I suddenly remembered something.

"Joel!" I cried trying to get his attention before we hung up.
"What?"
"What's his name?"
"Sam." Joel's pride blared through the phone. "Samuel Benjamin Madden."

Part 2
"Happy birthday dear Benji and Joel, happy birthday to you." Everyone finished their rousing chorus and Benji and Joel blew out 30 candles.

We had all been quite aware of the birthday boys' wish to be left alone on their 30th birthday (as they both were in denial), but that didn't stop everyone from arriving with a cake or a card. It had turned into a small party at our house. Joel and Alex, baby in toe, came over for an "under-no-circumstances-is-this-a-celebration-of-our-*cringe*-thirtieth-birthday-it's-just-dinner" dinner. Soon after Tony stopped by saying he had completely forgotten it was his BEST friend's birthday and offered his half finished chocolate shake as a gift. Everyone else followed in suit bearing a cake, a card, or both. We'd ended up with 3 cakes, more than enough cake for 11 people, one toddler, and a newborn that amazingly slept through the whole song.

As if on cue Sam started wailing and both parents raced to the baby carrier on the couch. Xander covered his ears. So did Chris.

"Make it stop." Chris made a face.
"Make it stop." Xander mimicked.
"Let's eat cake." I eyed each one deciding which one I wanted to eat first. One was a black forest that Alex had made for Joel, one was a cheesecake I got mainly cause I REALLY liked it (I'm not actually sure how big a fan Benji is), and the last was the piece de resistance, a ooey gooey yummy homemade chocolate cake that arrived at our doorstep this morning with a cards for both Benji and Joel from their mom.

I went for cheesecake first, naturally. Benji took a huge slice of the chocolate cake. Lilly was having trouble getting Xander to decide on a cake. He randomly pointed at the cakes and as soon as Lilly went to slice some his blue eyes went wide and he shook his head and hands in protest.

"Xander, just pick one!" Lilly cried exasperated.
"You want to get chocolate believe me." Paul told him, serving himself a hefty slice. Xander ignored his dad and turned around to see what Chris was getting.
"I wanna white one, mommy." Xander pointed to the cheesecake on Chris's plate.
"If you say so." She sliced a teeny piece and sat him down in front of it, tying a bib that read I Love my Mommy around his neck. Xander went to town; grabbing fists full of cake and smashing it into his face.

Benji watched Joel rocking Sam back and forth, intently. I saw the envy spread across his face.

"Soon." I whispered to him and grinned, motioning my eyes downward.
"I can't wait." Benji grinned back.
"When you find out just how little sleep the little master requires, you will. You'll wish you waited another 30 years." Lilly commented eating some of Paul's cake.
"Hey X, why don't we get the cake IN your mouth?" Paul coaxed.
"I wish I was having kids." Chris frowned.
"You will one day." I assured. I really wasn't fond of frowny Chris.
"Sure." He forced a smile.
Renee looked down at her empty tummy with a frown. "I wish I was having a baby."

Tony's face went white and he stared bug eyed at his wife. Benji laughed.

"C'mon dude, it's bound to happen."
"Yeah, but it doesn't make it any less scary." Tony shook his head. "Not now, Ren."
"Why not now, Tone?" Renee pouted.
"Can we talk about this later?"
"Tony!"
"Ren, I'm not ready."
"What if I am?" Renee put her hands on her hips.
"We'll talk about this later." Tony put his arms around her and kissed her forehead. She tore away and sliced herself some cake, obviously upset. Tony shrugged.

I left my plate by the sink and went and sat next to Joel on the couch. He was rocking Sam in his arms, eyes not leaving his son for a second.

"Can I hold him?" I asked.
"Huh, well, I…I guess." Joel reluctantly handed him off as if I couldn't possibly hold Sam as well as himself.

I looked down at the week old baby boy. Man was he cute. Little everythings. Little feet, little hands, little sighs, little snores. He was a pretty little baby. When Benji and I went to see him last week he was extremely red looking. Alex told me all about the birth experience, including Joel's freak out, and believe me I was fearing it the closer it came. I looked over at Joel, he'd already half fallen asleep.

"You don't let no one get any sleep do you, little man?" I asked Sam, he yawned and smacked his tiny lips together.
"Isn't he cute?" Alex asked.
"Yeah." I smiled down at him. "He's so little."
"Oh." She sounded surprised. "I was talking about Joel."

I looked at her and laughed. There was a strange tightening in my stomach. It felt REALLY strange. As if I were doing sit-ups and I was stuck in that position. After a minute or so it faded away.

"That was weird." I pointed out.
"What was?" Alex asked.
"It felt like I was doing crunches or something." I shook my head.
Alex's face lit up. "You're first contraction!!"
"Her first what?" Cake fell out of Benji's open mouth.
"It's ok, I think I'm fine." I assured. "I think it was one of those Braxton-Hicks things."
"Oh, it doesn't hurt does it?" Benji asked concerned.
"No, I'm good. Don't worry."

They seemed satisfied. I rocked Sam a bit more and then the tightening started again, tighter this time, much more painful than the last. I didn't want everyone to freak out but couldn't hold in the 'Ow' that escaped my lips.

"Jess?" Benji rushed towards me.
"Oh my God, you'll have your baby by tonight, I bet." Renee stood by Alex and they both gawked at me. I felt like a zoo animal.
"No…"

Billy and Carly joined the fray as the pain subsided again. It was making me very uncomfortable to have these people, even though they were my friends, surround me. waiting for the next part of a show. I wanted to be alone.

"Well, what should we do?" Benji's eyes had gone wide and he was hopping from foot to foot.
"Nothing!" I shouted. "I'm not in labor."
"Come on, no way." Lilly rolled her eyes, positioning Xander on her hip. By now, even Paul, Tony, and Chris were watching me like I was gonna put on a magic show.

Joel had woken up from the barrage of voices all proclaiming I was in labor and something must be done. I handed Sam to him and heaved myself off the couch.

"Where are you going?" Benji questioned.
"Away."
"But…but.." He pleaded.
"You go boil some water and rip some sheets; I'm gonna go lie down." I said testily.

I headed upstairs and in a few minutes Benji was behind me.

"Do you really think you're okay?" He asked tenderly
"No."
"What?" He was alarmed.
"I think I'm having another one." I sat on the step. Benji rubbed my shoulder.
"Hold on."

He walked off. What did he mean "hold on"? Hold on to what? He was in the other room.
***
"Alright, out."
"What?" Tony spat. "Benj…"
"Out!" I repeated.
"But Benji…" Billy pleaded.
"My wife's having a baby, get out."

Everyone headed for the door like fearful children.

"Benji…" Chris began.
"Get the fuck out, man, don't you get it?" I yelled.
"I was gonna say good luck. Bye." Chris sulked off.
"Call us." Alex said and Joel nodded.
I suddenly grinned. "Even if it's 4 am!"
"Oh believe me, we'll be up." Joel assured, motioning his neck towards Sam.

Everyone else left in a cloud of good-byes and congrats. I shut the door after them and went back to the staircase.

"Alright, they're gone."
"Good!" Jessa rolled her eyes. "They made me feel like a circus freak."
"It's kinda exciting Jess…to be having a baby…for the first time."
"Of course it is…but I still don't want to be smothered." She griped. "Besides…I don't even know if I'm in labor."
"But…"
"Greenwald told me about this, it's probably false labor." She explained.
"You really think so."

She nodded.

"Maybe we should call him to make sure." I wasn't going to screw up and end up delivering my child myself while Jessa screams at me.
"Let's wait it out a little. If I'm still like this in an hour we'll call."
"Half hour."
"45 minutes." She bargained.
"Alright. 45 minutes and we call Greenwald."
"Deal, birthday boy."
***
It was 11 o'clock and it didn't look like I was gonna be a daddy tonight. Just as Jessa guessed, it was false labor. As excited as I was, I was a little relieved I had a few more hours or days to get it together. I was 30 years old and about to say hello to my very first child. I was married with 2 dogs and 2 cars. I felt so…old.

This had all happen suddenly and don't get me wrong I wouldn't give anything back, I just felt…overwhelmed. And maybe a little cautious. My life changed everyday, almost always for the better and I was waiting for those little bad moments. Something was coming, it had to be. We'd gone too long without an event.

I felt terrible for thinking that way. For not letting myself enjoy how amazing everything was, but I couldn't help it. I worry, I mope and I'd spent too many bad years.

I rolled over and faced Jessa's tummy.

"Hey, nice trick you pulled today. Did you enjoy freaking me out?" I asked the baby inside.
"You're gonna test us aren't you? I can see it now, you're gonna be a little troublemake—"
"Benj?" Jessa's eyes popped open. "Who are you talking to?"
"Baby." I answered.

Jessa chuckled. She shook her head and pulled herself into a sitting position.

"How're you feeling?"
"Uncomfortable." She shrugged. "I'm anxious."
"Me too." I smiled. "Maybe he's too comfortable in there?"
"Oh, it's a HE, is it?" Jessa teased.
"Or she." I added.
"You want a boy, I can see it all over your face." She probably could.
"Well…I mean…"
"Don't deny it, Benj, you want a little boy, like Joel." She pointed out. "You two are so competitive."
"I'll probably have a girl, God WOULD so kick me in the ass like that."
"C'mon, a little girl wouldn't be bad." Jessa looked wistful. "Daddy's little princess."
"She'd be so spoiled…she's gonna be one of those girls that laughed at me in high school." I thought about it a minute. "Oh shit, we're gonna have to get a chastity belt."

Jessa laughed. "Why?"
"She's gonna be hot, like her mom, we're gonna have to lock her up."

Jessa blushed.

"C'mon Jess, it's so true."
"Shut up, Benj." She tossed a pillow at me.

I fixed my pillow and laid against my folded arms.

"And if we have a little boy, he'll look just like daddy." Jessa rubbed her hands over my chest.
"Poor kid."

Jessa giggled and rolled her eyes. "Stop it Benj, you're hot. I always thought so."
"Yeah, but you married me, you gotta say that."
"You've seen the girls, Benj, you probably made out with them too."
"Did not." I defended, but knew my grin was giving me away.
"Sure, Benj." Jessa said. "Ugly guys don't make pin-up status in Tiger Beat."

I was quiet, she must be right. I had to be at least a little hot to snag someone like her.

"Ok, well, no I didn't always think you were hot…you kinda scared me when I saw Lifestyles for the first time."
"Ooo, scary?"
"Yeah, you looked really…weird. I think it was the liberty spikes."
"Humbling to know my wife thought I looked weird."

Jessa shrugged with a smile. "I look weird too."
"If by weird you mean cute, then yeah you're REALLY weird."
"Quit it, Benj."
I kissed her forehead. "Let's stop talking."
"I'm not entertaining enough?"
"I'm tired."
"Fair enough." Jessa slid off the bed to get into her pj's.
***
I think I had started having contractions this morning. But I really wasn't sure (I'd be uncomfortable the entire 5 days since the false labor) and didn't want to freak Benji out. They were extremely far apart so even if it was I was still good, I had plenty of time to get to the hospital.

"Are you sure it's okay if I go to lunch with Chris?" Benji came around the corner.
"You don't want to go to lunch with him do you?"
"Baby, it's not about that. You are like ready to pop and I don't wanna miss it. You're due date is the 17th, it's the 16th!" Benji said as if I didn't know.

I strained to get off the bed.

"Are you okay, babe?" He asked concerned taking my hand and helping me down.
"Uh huh, great."
He cocked his head to the side unconvinced. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, Benji, I'm fine. You try lugging around 50 extra pounds." I snapped. "Now go, go get out of the house, you're hovering."

Benji grinned and kissed my forehead. "I won't be long. Are you sure?"
I shook my head. "I'm all set. I'll call you if anything happens."
"Alright, bye." There was a jingle of keys and a gentle door slam.

I trekked downstairs stopping halfway down the stairs and sitting. I was tired. Maybe by tonight we'd be parents. I hoped so. Benji was very jealous of Joel. It was so cute. Benji really, really wanted to be a dad. And I really, really wanted to find out if I had a little girl or a baby boy.

Suddenly I heard the door open. If Benji was home I was gonna yell at him and then tell him about my contractions.

"Yo, Benj!" It was Tony. He came around and spotted me on the stairs. "Hey Jess, where's Benji?"
"I made him have lunch with Chris." I tried to get up. Tony helped me. "Ow, ow, owwie"
"What?"
"Contraction."
Tony's eyes bugged. "You're having contractions and Benji went to lunch?? Has Benji gone asshole or have you not told him?"
"Shut up, Tony." I spat.
"Jessa! How could you leave him out?"
"I'm not leaving him out of anything. They just started." I rolled my eyes and pulled myself up by the banister. Tony helped me and led me towards the living room.

"I think you oughtta call him." Tony sounded very serious.
"You can't tell me what I oughtta do. What I oughtta do is wait a little while. I'm tired of Benji fussing."
"You're having his BABY?!"
"NO DUH!" I yelled back. "I'm not even really in labor yet."

Tony sighed. He looked at his wrist. WHOA! Tony wore a watch?

"What are you doing?"
"Taking note of the time. It's quarter after. If you have another one in the next 10 minutes I'm calling Benji." More surprising, he could actually TELL time.
"Go home, Tony." I sneered, extremely annoyed.
"Jessa, I'm not leaving you here like this."

Since when did Tony care about me or know anything about labor and contractions?

"Tone…?"
"I helped my cousin, Nat, give birth in the back of her Camaro when I was 17." Tony answered.
"Oh." I was surprised. Guess there was a lot I didn't know about Tony. Delivering babies in Camaro's, among them. I guess there had to be a reason he was Benj's best friend and why Renee married him. I'd never thought of it that way.

"Owwwww." The tightening started again.
"Geez, Jess, that was 11 minutes." Tony sat next to me on the couch. "I'm calling Benji."

I didn't protest, because I was pretty sure that my labor had begun and I wanted my Benji by my side. Tony was making faces.

"What?"

Tony put the phone down. "It said out of service."
"Maybe he's out of range." I suggested, suddenly feeling really guilty(and really stupid) for pushing him out the door with Chris. "Chris!"
"What?"
"Call Chris' cell."
"Good thinking, Momma."

Tony dialed Chris and a few ringtones later he picked up.

"Chris?" Tony asked. "Oh, I thought this was Chris's phone, sorry…Amy? What are you doing with his phone?…Oh I see, well, I gotta go."

Tony turned to me.

"No Chris." He announced.
"Oh my God." I started to freak out as reality set in. I was in labor and I couldn't find my husband.
"Okay, Jess, where's your hospital stuff?" Tony stood up.

AND I'm with Tony! Why, God, why Tony?

Part 3
I called Joel as Tony merged onto the 405.

"Jess?" He answered.
"Have you seen Benji?"
"Did he disappear?"
"Kinda…um, I'm in labor."
"Jess! That's awesome."
"But I really need to find Benji."
"Hold on, you're in labor and Benji isn't home. I'm coming to get you."
"Hold your horses." I amused myself a brief second by imagining Joel 'holding his horses' "Tony's taking me to the hospital."
"Tony? YOU called TONY?"
"He kinda showed up." I looked disgustedly over at him. He was driving like an old lady.
"I'm meeting you at the hospital." You'd think Joel was the daddy.
"O—" He hung up before the 'kay'.

Tony wore a weird expression. Combination determination and anxiety. He glanced at me and tried to smile reassuringly. Unless he magically turned into Benji I wasn't smiling back. I wanted my husband.

I groaned through another contraction. Tony noticeably slowed and he turned to me.

"You good, Jess?"
"No, I'm not good, just fucking drive." I shut my eyes tight.
"Jess?"
"Drive, man, drive!" I screamed. I wanted Benji, I wanted him right now and I was prepared to throw a tantrum to get him.
"Just remember to breathe, aright."
"I've been breathing for 25 years; I think I know how." I spat. "Can't you just leave me alone?"

Those must be the magic words because his petal went to the metal and he didn't talk to me. I was able to groan, cry, and worry to myself without interruption. Now if only Benji would be waiting at the hospital.
***
"You're really annoying, man." I rolled my eyes at Chris. He kept going on and on about how he just wanted what we all had. Marriage. Kids. The works.
"You gotta tell me your secret, Benj."
"My secret?"
"For landing a hot wife."

I laughed.

"I didn't do anything, she came to me." I smiled. "I got real lucky."
"I can't believe she got you to leave the house when she's ready to pop."
I snickered. "When you have a wi—"
"IF I have a wife."
"WHEN you have a wife." I pressed. "You'll do a lot of things you don't really wanna do. It's like when your mom asks you to do something. You just do it."

Chris laughed, but I was right. You'd do anything for that almost guaranteed sex, not that I'm getting any anytime soon, but I'm not complaining. I wondered how she was right now, what she was doing, just like I always think basically.

"I wonder if she's alright."
"Maybe you should call her." Chris suggested.
"Yeah, good idea, I wonder if they have a phone here." I glanced at the two pieces of my cell phone.

20 minutes ago a bubbly red head knocked into the table, spilling drinks and a vase of flowers and knocking my phone to the stone floor. The top flip up part bounced around near my feet the other half went hopping along to the other table. I couldn't help being a little mean to her. She had so rudely interrupted us AND broke my phone and wet my lap with coke. She apologized profusely, but I feed her a silent glare. And she looked at me funny, but I didn't care. You don't go around jumping up and down and interrupting people while they eat. Ask them to sign pictures or whatever and not have any regard to them as people. We were just zoo animals. besides she didn't seem too sorry as she immediately grinned and casually asked Chris and I if we wore boxers or briefs and then stole one of my fries.

I just kinda felt like the tour was over and I was Benji Madden now, not one half of benjiandjoelomigod. I didn't want to be on display now; I wanted to eat my fries and give my friend girl advice and call my pregnant wife to see if a baby's coming out of her. After what seemed like an age, she got the hint and walked away. I didn't care if I was being a "rockstar," anyone else would have acted accordingly.

Just as I was about to flag down a waiter to see if they had a phone, I was approached by the maitre'd.

"Mr. Madden?" He looked from me to Chris. Chris pointed to me as if it was sure to be bad news and he wanted no part.
"That's me."
"You have a phone call you can take it in the kitchen."

I left Chris and followed the maitre'd to the kitchen. I took the receiver he handed me.

"Hello?" trying to figure out who'd possibly call me here.
"Benj," Joel sounded like he was in the car.
"Joel?"
"Dude, Jessa's in labor."
"WHAT?!?" I heard a metal pan fall on the floor behind me. I instantly turned around to signal my apology.
"Tony's taking her to the hospital."
"What do you mean Tony's driving her to the hospital?"
"Well, apparently she was having contractions when he got there and he timed them and…"
"What do you mean he timed the...Tony owns a watch?" I was aware that I was screaming at my brother, but I was very confused. I knew I shouldn't have left her, why did she have to fucking insist?

"So, are you on your way?"
"No, Joel, I'm gonna miss the birth of my child." I spat sarcastically. "I'll be there."

I hung up and ran out the front door of the restaurant, not bothering with Chris.

"Benj! Hey! Wait up." I could hear Chris chasing me out. I doubled clicked the button on my keys and Chris jumped in shotgun beside me.

"We gotta go. Jessa's inlaborandtony'stakinghertothehospitalsowegottagobeforeimissmybabyohmygoddidyoupaythecheck?" I said without breathing.
"Relax, Benj." Chris grinned. "I left a card. We're good."
"Good." The Escalade roared to life and I pulled out as quickly as I possibly could.

I made quick turns and nervously tapped the wheel, trying to remember the way to the hospital. I'd only practiced the distance from home.

"Should I take the 405?"

Chris shrugged.

"You aren't helping. Well it's…" I looked at my watch. "4. It's rush hour, I think I can make it faster if I take the streets."
"Hey, it's your baby." Chris shrugged again.
***
They weren't lying when they said childbirth hurt. And those women didn’t have Tony Lovato trying to coach them. I guess I should be grateful for a good friend driving me to the hospital and trying to soothe me, but I wanted my husband, RIGHT NOW. Where the fuck was Benji?

"Jessa?" I turned suddenly at the sound of his voice only to see Joel striding towards me. I groaned.
"Are you all checked in? Who's you're doctor? What's your room? How far apart are the…"
"SHUT UP!" I yelled.
"Don't try talking to her, man, she's not in the mood." Tony warned. Good it only took him 2 hours to understand that.
"Well maybe when Benji gets here…"
"Benji?!" I perked up.
"Yeah, I called every restaurant in West Hollywood to find him."
"And…"
"He's on his way, Jess." Joel smiled.
"Good," I smiled for the first time in awhile. I shoved a clipboard into Joel's hands. "Help me fill this out."
***
One whole hour and twenty…I looked up at the clock…three minutes and still no Benji. I'd gone through a whole pitcher of ice chips and 3 refusals for a cheesecake from Joel and 5 refusals from Tony.

"You're not supposed to eat, Jess." Joel shook his head a 4th time.

I pouted. Benji was so gonna get hit when he got here. How dare he leave me alone with dumb and dumber. Between Joel's constant pacing and Tony's need to wipe sweat off my forehead, I was going crazy. It's not that I didn't appreciate their support I just wanted Benji. He should be here.

"Can we call Benji?" I asked, rolling my head 'til it fell back against the pillow.
"We just called, it said the customer isn't reachable."
"WHERE THE HELL IS HE??" I screamed.
"Jess, you really need to calm down." Joel gently pushed me back against the pillows. "He'll be here I promise. He wouldn't miss this, Jessa."

Joel was probably right, but I had right and reason to be upset, right? It should be Benji's hand I'm holding, not Tony's. Benji should be pacing and worrying, not Joel. I had to get into one of those backless gowns with my husbands best friend and my brother-in-law outside the door.

"Hey, knock knock, sorry we took so long." Lilly rushed in with Paul and Xander in toe.
"That accident is backing up traffic all over LA." Paul half smiled.
"How are you?" Lilly frowned sympathetically.
"I want Benji." I started crying out of the blue. I didn't even feel it coming on, the tears just burst down my cheeks.
"Oh, sweetie." Lilly gave me a warm mommy type hug and Xander burst into tears in Paul's arms.

"Is there a party?" Greenwald entered the room.
"Hey, Jess…" Billy and Carly came in behind him.
"I brought cof—" Renee piled in afterwards.

"Alright, there are WAY too many people in here." Greenwald held up his arms. "I need you all the wait in the visitors center down the hall. The mother needs space."
"Please don't make them go." I begged, feeling more alone than ever.
"Well, I need to examine you." He looked around at all the faces. "Benji isn't here yet?"

I shook my head, frowning slightly. Joel grasped the hand Tony wasn't holding and they both squeezed.

"Well, they need to go down the hall." Greenwald held firm.
"Can I go, too?" I asked hopefully.
He smiled warmly. "Let me check things out and we'll see if you don't need to walk around a bit."

Everyone backed out of the room, except Tony and Joel at my sides.

"Uh," the doctor looked at each of them.
"I want them here." I gave them both a brave grimace.
"Alright." The doctor leaned over me.

He said my labor had slowed considerably and that he was a little worried about that, but he agreed it was a good idea for me to walk around under Tony and Joel's watchful eyes. He was allowing me half an hour and then he'd check my progression again.

Down the hall we went, after I tied my pink fuzzy terrycloth robe over the ugly hospital gown. I could hear them chattering away around the corner and I smiled. They all came, all of them. I smelled Chinese food too.

"Hey, there she is!" Paul announced making me blush.

My sister looked up from her Styrofoam box, lo mein noodles hanging from her mouth.

"Bjesguh!" She cut away some long noodles and swallowed. "Jessa!"

She got up and came across to hug me. Renee following suit, Tony had her meet us at the hospital.

"You all came?" I just about cried.
"Joel called and said that you were by yourself…" Carly explained.
"She was not!" Tony defended. "I was there!"

I was suddenly overcome with appreciation for Tony. He had made complete leaps and bounds I didn't know he was capable of. I kissed his cheek. Tony looked at me stunned, blue eyes wide and for the first time I recognized his attractive features. I smiled.

"We would have been here sooner but the accident on…" Billy started.
"Accident?" Tony, Joel and myself asked.
"A big rig ran off the road and toppled a power line, all kinds of cars piled up. It's all over the news, powers out in a lot of places…" Billy illustrated.
"Including our house." Paul handed Xander crayons.
"And my apartment." Adriana frowned.

How awful. I doubled over in pain as a big contraction rippled through my body. I breathed deep, but it didn't really help. I forced Joel and Tony's hands out of mine and did a pace across the room my hand on my back. On the way back I looked at the TV on the console in front of me. they were showing aerial shots of the accident.
***
"God, that's so terrible." Jessa gasped, watching the wreckage across the screen. She covered her eyes and peeked out behind her fingers as they replayed some home video. It was pretty gruesome.

"Yeah, we hit some of the traffic on the way over." Lilly explained from the couch.
"I'm sure Benji had to take a detour or something." Renee resolved, leaning against Tony.
"Yeah." She frowned. She looked up at the clock. It didn't feel nearly as long to me, but I was sure it had been a lifetime to Jess.

I decided to call Alex and see how she and the baby were fairing without me. What if our power was out? She had insisted on coming with me, but somehow I convinced her to just stay home. Most likely because she was tired.

"Hey." I grinned into the phone when she answered.
"What?" She said aggravated.
"How ya feeling?"

She yawned, she must've been sleeping. "Better before you woke me."
"Sorry. How's Sam?" I grimaced.

Alex yawned again. "Sleeping like an angel. How's Jessa doing?"
"Okay. Screaming for Benji."
"He's still not there? Jesus Christ! He's gonna miss it."
"I'm sure he'll be here soon."
"Yeah…whoa, did you see that wreck on Wilshire? It's gnarly."

Alex had obviously just turned on the TV. She used the oddest language sometimes. Gnarly?

"Yeah, it's horrible." At least we still have power.
"Maybe he's stuck in traffic." She suggested. I could imagine Benji yelling and flipping off emergency vehicles getting the right of way.
"Yeah. I'm gonna let you go. Love you."
"Love you too, babe. Call me when she has the baby."
"Of course."

I hung up with Alex and placed my phone back in my pocket as everyone else kept their eyes on the TV.

"We've gotten word on some of the names of casualties of the collision…" the news anchor was saying.
"Jesus, how horrible is that, could you imagine being the family member of one of these people?" Lilly shook her head with disgrace as he named people off.
"Maybe they notify the families first" I suggested.
"I hope so." Paul made a disgusted face and went back to his drawing with Xander.
"We've also identified the remains and vehicle belonging to guitarist and singer for the band Good Charlotte…"

The sound of 9 heads swiveled towards the TV and watched with horror as the camera panned over a white Escalade, completely destroyed.
***
"Benji Madden, was 30 years old…"
My blood ran cold, my heart literally dropped into my stomach. I was dying, I was dead.
"No." I cried, but it was barely a whisper. "NO." I shouted at the TV screen showing a picture of my husband, smiling. I shook the TV from both sides. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo."
I fell to the floor and bawled. Not Benji. You can't take my Benji.

Part 4
Remains.

The words brought me to my feet. I wanted to die. Just DIE. No. no. nooooooooooooooo. This wasn't happening. Benji couldn't be…be…dead.

Jessa was a puddle on the floor. I wanted to cry for her, she loved him more than anything, and cry for my niece or nephew who was going to be born fatherless, but I was too involved crying for myself. For my brother, my brother was a mass casualty.

Somehow I'd found the strength to grab Jess off the floor and hold her in my arms. She clung to me desperately, clawing my back and rocking her body against me. I gripped her tighter, knowing if I loosened she'd fall onto the floor.

We cried together. Our saline mixing together to become one long river in the fabric of my shirt. This wasn't really happening was it. I was gonna wake up in a pool of sweat and spit wasn't I? And Alex would be bitching at me. I would give anything just to hear Alex bitching at me for kicking her in bed. Jessa's agonizing cry told me I wasn't going to wake up.

Everyone else was in their own state of shock and mourning, but I barely saw or heard them. I just felt Jessa crying and dying in my arms, the pulse of her baby rumbling against us. the strong stubborn child Benji had created. Wanting to get out, never going to meet the man who gave them life.

Jessa pulled away, breathing through the pain of another contraction. Maybe Benji was here already. Maybe he was watching. He would NEVER miss the birth of his first child, his only child. I prayed that he was. That he'd already spoken to this child. That Benji's soul would be born in the baby. That we weren't really losing him.

Jessa looked up and into my eyes as the pain subsided. She lifted her finger to my face and traced my features with her index finger. Fresh tears fell as she slid her fingers around my wet face. She leaned in and kissed my lips softly.

"I love you." she murmured.

She held onto me tighter and didn't stop crying. I realized quickly that she didn't mean she loved me. She was saying it to Benji. She looked at me and saw her husband. It made me want to take a razor to my face and break all the mirrors, I didn't want to see Benji when I looked at myself. I didn't want Jessa to hurt when she saw me. I couldn't imagine what it was like for her to look into the face of her husband, knowing it wasn't him.
***
I kissed Joel knowing full well it was Joel and not Benji, how it was never going to be Benji. pretending comforted me slightly, but ultimately made me miss him even more. I added I love you, wishing Joel really was Benji. Wishing if I said it, he would be.

I was never going to be able to kiss him or touch him again. Never again. He was never going to come home in the middle of the afternoon and make me pancakes. I was never going to dance with him in the dark. I was never going to spank him as we fell off to sleep or hear him whistling in the garage. He was never going to argue with me again. Or hurt my feelings.

And what about the baby? Who's going to get up with me in the middle of the night? Damn it Benji, you promised that we'd both get up. He was never gonna hold our child or father a second. He was never going to call me 'little one.' I was never going to hear him growl when I pleasured him, see his face when he came. I was going to miss every single detail.

We had plans and now he was…gone. Gone. He left me, all alone. He promised it was gonna be okay, but God made a liar out of him and took him away from me.

"Why?" I wailed into Joel's chest. Why? Why? Why?
Joel sobbed openly. "I don't know. I don't know Jess."

Maybe this was worse for Joel. Benji had been a part of him. But Benji was a part of me too. Joel was the only one who could begin to understand this unbearable pain. This pain that was 10 times worse than child birth.

I didn't want to push and struggle and have my baby. Our baby. I didn't want to do anything but sit here and wait to die. I always thought it was so pathetic when people wrote songs about dying because someone left them, but it wasn't pathetic. I can't live without Benji.

Imagine I have a baby boy. One that will grow up and look just like him. Talk like him act like him, maybe have those dimples. I wouldn't be able to stand it. I couldn't stand this. I tore away from Joel and screamed as loudly as I could.

"Jessa?!" the sound of dr. Greenwald made me look up from my spot on the floor. He and Joel towered over me. "Are you alright?"
"Alright?" I choked. "ALRIGHT??!"
"What's going on?" he looked around at everyone and then his eyes fixed on the television. "Oh God." They must have still been talking about Benji, but I couldn't look.

"Jessa, you need to go back to your room, now." He helped me up with the aid of a nurse.

I hurt. My head hurts, my eyes burn, I hurt all over. I followed them numbly. I just wanted to wake up. Wake up and see his face. Smiling at me, kissing my cheek.

"Now just lay down and try to relax, Jessa."

Was he completely insane? My husband is dead. Dead and the last thing I said was 'I'll call you if anything happens.' I couldn't remember the last time he said I love you. I thought hard trying to remember exactly how it had been. If he was standing or sitting or laying down. which of his many black shirts had he been wearing? Morning? Afternoon?

'I'll call you if anything happens,' something happened Benj.
***
"Are you, uh, Joel?" Jessa's doctor came back into the waiting room.

I nodded, Paul's hand on my shoulder, trying desperately not to watch anymore of the footage on TV. In the past half hour the TV news recapped the entire accident and talked about Benji. Alex called, but I was barely able to talk to her. I couldn't really speak.

"Can I speak with you?" he motioned me towards the hall.

I solemnly followed. He breathed in deep, kinda the way doctors do in the movies. he frowned slightly.

"I'm very sorry about your brother." He began. "And I, I know this is going to be hard for everyone for a long time, but Jessa needs somebody. I think…" "I'll stay with her." I swallowed a lump in my throat and tried to be strong. He was right Jessa needed somebody. I was that somebody.

He didn't say anymore. What could he say? My brother was supposed to be here, worrying about everything, and I was supposed to rub his shoulder and say 'It's okay, Benj. Everything gonna be fine.' But nothing was going to be fine. Nothing, not ever. My brother, my best friend was dead. DEAD.

My lip quivered, tears threatening to spill from my eyes, as I walked into Jessa's room. she was playing with the grayish knit blanket, staring at her hands intently. She was dead inside. tears were stained all over her cheeks.

"Your daddy, that's Benji. I know he really wanted to be here, but he's gone now. It’s just gonna be you and me, alright. So, we gotta be strong. I gotta be strong. I am gonna be strong for you, because daddy wouldn’t want me to be sad, or to cry. He hated it when I cried." she sobbed.

I knocked lightly on the door and she stopped.

"Hey," my voice sounded scratchy. She glanced at me and then looked back down.

I pulled the chair to the edge of the bed and sat down. "Do you need anything, Jess?"

She stared at me with the oddest hurt look on her face. "I need him." she softly whispered.

I grabbed her hand between my own two and squeezed.
***
He sat there with me for an hour, holding my hand, helping me through my contractions. I couldn't help crying. Thinking about my life. What was gonna happen to me now? To us. I sobbed onto Joel.

"Shhh." He sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed my back in soft circles. "I promise it's gonna be okay."
"You can't promise that."

He sat back down in the chair, resting his elbows on his knees and sighing.

"Jess, I know this is gonna be hard. Hell, it’s hard already, but I'm always gonna be here for you and the baby. I know it's not the same and I can’t be Benji…" He started to cry. "But I'm here okay? If you need anything, ANYTHING, all you need to do it ask."
"I know." I knew I had people. I had Joel and Alex and Tony and Renee and my sister and Lilly and Paul. It didn't make anything any less difficult.
"I swear that I'll be just as much a father to your baby as I am to Sam." Joel tearfully swore.

I cried outloud, the pain of my labor mixing with my pain inside. Joel shouldn't have to make those promises. Benji should be here. I never should have let him go.

"What about Chris?" I cried.

Joel hung his head. "We don't know where he is. They didn't mention him at all on TV."

I sucked in my breath and a long cry came out. Chris too? Not Chris too. Not funny, cute, little Chris. This was all my fault. They'd both be here now if I didn't force them out.

"Jessa?" Greenwald was back for another check. After another look and a feel, he tossed his glove in a trash by the door. "Well, you've only dilated 5 centimeters. You're about halfway."

I sighed. This was the longest day of my life.

"Can I go see my friends?" I asked expectantly.
"There's press outside. If you're walking around…"

Didn't the press ruin my day enough? Telling me my husband was dead, along with a few thousand people. What did they want from me? To cry on national television? To do an exclusive with dateline or Kurt Loder, so immature fans can make fun of me because I was married to the so called poser sellout. I can't handle this now, I'm having a baby.

"I'll let them in here for awhile." He finally said. I nodded.

A few minutes later the nurse ushered in the rest of my friends. Adriana leaned down and hugged me tightly.

"Oh Jess." She murmured. Joel had let go of my hand and was hugging Billy.

I sat up and let Lilly and Paul both hug me. This shouldn't be happening, we should be all smiles. If Chris were here he'd make sure we all had a huge smile on our faces.

"We need to smile." I choked out.
"What?" Tony put his arm around me.
"Chris would want us to smile. And so would Benji." I blinked back the tears. "I'm having a baby!"

It was Tony who grinned at me first, his eyes big and bright and blue, despite being rimmed with red.

"You're right Jess. They wouldn't want us to cry." He said and squeezed my hand.
"Alright momma, let's see if we can find some cartoons or MTV." Joel took the TV remote and pointed it at the TV mounted on the wall.

The station it was tuned to was still talking about the accident, so Joel flipped it. The hospital had cable so he found MTV. It was a commercial for Trojan condoms.

"Oh, now they tell me!" I joked, but the pain inside was unbearable thinking about all the times Benji laughed at these commercials. He hated commercials, but he always watched the Trojan ones. He thought they were so ridiculous.

It was an MTV news break, Kurt Loder came on and Benji's picture appeared in the corner. My heart caught in my throat.

"Good Charlotte self-proclaimed leader and one time MTV VJ, Benji Madden…"

I screamed and cried all over again. Paul was closest to me and buried me in his shoulder.

"I know he was thinking about you before he…" Paul's voice went all high and funny like a little boy. "About you and the baby, I just know it."

I cried hard into his t-shirt. Was this some kind of cruel punishment for losing my virginity before marriage? Was God up there trying to bring me in line? Punishing us all by killing my husband and his best friend. I hate you. How dare you? How DARE you?

Didn't I say all my prayers? Didn't I go to mass every Sunday and Christmas for 20 years? Didn't I repent my sins to you? ask for forgiveness? Did I not do kindly unto others? I wasn't promiscuous. I did my best. I lived good. Benji was a good man. Did you forgive him, Father? You must know how hard he tried everyday to live it right. He strayed, but he always came back, and you took him anyway. When his child is about to come into this world you take him out. Why?

I hate you for making my child a bastard. I hate you for leaving me all alone. I hate you for taking him away. He's too young; too young to die. I hate you for taking Chris. Why Chris? I hate you.

I pulled away from Paul and stood up. I was blind from all the sad angry tears, but I found the glass on the nightstand and threw it down with every ounce of force I could muster. It made the most wonderful smashing sound and glass shards and water like twinkling diamonds covered the floor.

"Is the pain that bad?"

BENJI!?!

Part 5
Ow.

My arm hurt. And my head hurt. I couldn't even stand up straight or walk without a limp but I was being the big tough man. I refused the wheelchair. I was going to walk into that room and be with my wife as she birthed our child.

Only a few more feet to go. The sound of glass shattering caught my attention and the following painful wail willed me faster. When I reached the doorway I found my entire band, girlfriends/wives attached crying their eyes out. Jessa stood in the center of the room, glass glittered from the linoleum and I guessed she had thrown something. It made me hurt inside, thinking that maybe something was really wrong.

"Is the pain that bad?" I asked realizing Jessa was in far worse pain than I could be.

She turned slowly and her eyes grew wide, it was like she'd seen a ghost. Everyone else stared at me the same way.

"What's wrong?" I asked when no one said a word. I stepped in closer and everyone backed up.

Jessa sobbed and wrapped her arms around me so tightly I realized my ribs hurt too. She kissed me all over my face and neck. Did I miss something?

"Jess?" I asked confused.

She didn't answer only hug me tighter and cry. Now I knew something must be wrong. Did something happen to the baby? Oh God, say it isn’t so.

"You're real." She finally announced.
"What? Of course I'm real." I pulled her back and stared at her questioningly. "I'm not dead."

She looked into my eyes with, was that…anger?

"Don't you ever do that to me ever again." She squeezed me. "Ever. Don't you ever leave me."
"Leave you? I went to lunch Jess, I was caught in traffic." I was still very confused as my brother decsended on me, pressing my face to his chest.

"Jesus, what'd I do?" I asked when Joel and Jessa let go, holding my hands up so neither Paul or Billy could hug me as they were poised to do.

"You died." Lilly explained pointing up at the tv and wiping spilt tears on Paul's sleeve.
"I what?"

I looked up at the TV where Kurt Loder was talking in depth about my 'death.' They showed my picture 1979-2009 scrawled beneath it. It made me wanna throw up. Especially when they showed my wrecked car. I shut off the TV.

"Told you I need a new car." I tried to joke. To lighten the heavy mood.
"That's not funny, you asshole." Jessa yelled. "Don't joke like that. You're not leaving me Benji, never. I won't let you."

I cocked my head to the side watching her chest rise and fall violently, tears streaming down her face. I wrapped my arms around her.

"I'm sorry." I murmured into her hair.

Jessa screamed clutching her stomach and leaning downward. I held her shoulder and rubbed her back comfortingly.

"Shouldn't you be in bed?"
"I would've been, but you weren't here." She spat at me. She shut her eyes and whimpered. I looked around at my friends and family. It was time for me to be alone with my wife.

I took Jessa's arm and helped her back to the bed. God, my arm was killing me. She laid her head back against the pillow eyes shut with discomfort. I frowned. I should have been here. I didn't want to leave this afternoon and I did. And then look what happened. I should have been here.

Jess's eye popped open. "Where's Chris?" she asked frantically.
"Getting stitches." I frowned.
"You were in that car?!" Jessa almost screamed.

Yes, unfortunatly.

"God, Benji are you hurt?" she examined me.
"It wasn't too bad." I lied and winced when she touched my arm.
"Are you okay? She repeated, eyes filling with tears again.
"I'll be fine, but I'd feel better if you'd relax and worry about the baby instead of me."

"I need to see Chris."
"Okay, I'll get you settled and go find Chris."
"No, she clutched me. "No, don't leave me."
"Alright." I grinned and kissed her forehead.
"I can get Chris." Tony bounced. For the first time in forever my friend's eyes were rimmed with red. They all had really thought I was dead?

He touched my arm as if he had to make sure he wasn't hallucinating and exhaled. He smiled and took Renee by the hand.

"Where is he?"
"Emergency Room. Ask the nurse." I directed and they left. "Can, uh, I be alone with my wife now?"

Everyone nodded and started to gather themselves up. Billy squeezed my shoulder and Paul gave me a big hug, Xander following suit. I smiled nervously. This felt so weird, like being at your own wake. Joel took a long time to leave the room. He had his hands in his pockets and kept staring at me. Finally, I touched his shoulder.

"It's alright man, I'm here now."

He smiled weakly, but looked like he wanted to cry. Our eyes locked for a second and I read that distinct lost look in his eyes, like when we were kids and we'd lose Mom in the grocery store and Joel would get really scared that she'd gone through the checkout already and was driving home without us. And just like I did when we were kids in that situation I took his hand; I lead him out the door.

"Joel, it's okay now. I'm here, I'm alive." I assured him.

He didn't say anything and just nodded. He turned and walked down the hall. How long was this gonna last? I felt terrible. I felt more than terrible. I felt anxious and scared. I felt confused and frightened about the wreck. I was worried about Jess and now Joel. I felt sleepy. Part of me wanted to be totally selfish and lie down and go to sleep, but I had to be here with Jess and the baby.

My baby, in all the madness I almost forgot I was having a baby. I was forgetting that the whole reason I was speeding over here, the whole reason I took wilshire and ended up upside-down on the sidewalllk was because of my baby. Because of my wife and my baby.

"Babe?" I walked back into the room. Jessa was lying with her eyes closed head against the pillows.

She grinned tears glistening from her rusty eyes. I didn't want her to cry. I hated it when she cried. it was always something I did wrong. I pulled the chair to the edge of her bed and took her hand. She squeezed and rubbed her thumb along my knuckles. I took my other hand and cradled her cheek, hoping I'd catch tears before they had a chance to run down her face.

Her cheek was damp and cold. Her skin was white, whiter than ever before. Her hair was messy and tiny curls stuck to her forehead from sweat. She had thought I was dead. DEAD. I had thought I was dead. That Chris was dead. That I wouldn't ever get out of that car and get here. I squeezed her hand back.

"I'm sorry." I apologized for nothing.
"I'm so happy you're…" She screwed her eyes shut with pain and gripped my hand tighter than I imagined she could.
"OWWWWWWWWWW" I cried along with her. She squeezed harder as her contraction became more intense. Finally it seized and she let go. "Fuck." I murmured.

"Did I hurt you?" She looked at me her eyes glowing like street lamps against her pale skin.
"I'll live." I shrugged. She sucked in air and I knew she was gonna cry again.

"I thought you left me. I thought you were gone." She sobbed.
"But I'm here now, okay, don't talk about it, please." I begged. I shut my eyes painfully. Flashes of the accident fresh in my mind and pulsing through my head. Blood, bodies, fire, cries, screams, sirens. "I'm here now." I repeated.

She stared at me, full of concern and question.

"I don't wanna talk about it, Jessa." I said firmly before she tried to ask me what happen. I wasn't about to relive the experience, no way, no how.
"But Benji…"
"NO Jessa!" I yelled. NO way, NO how.

"Okay, Jess, I'm just gon—" Dr. Greenwald entered beginning to slip on a glove. He stopped and let the glove snap off his fingers and zing across the floor. "Benji?" He cocked his head to the side. "Uh…I…I don't understand. Y-you're alive??"
"I wasn't dead to begin with. The press must have misinterpreted something." I shook my head, suddenly angry, don't they have fact checkers?
"Oh, well…I wanna check on Jessa's progress." He awkwardly reached for the glove dispenser.

He quickly raised the blanket and stuck his arm between her legs. My eyes went wide. I suppose there WOULD be some touching in that area, but it still surprised me. he pulled back a few minutes later.

"You're at around 8, so I'm gonna have to moved to the delivery room." he announced.

8, she's at 8, I'd missed 8 centimeters worth of dilation? I felt…like a bad father. I should have been here for Jess and been here for everything. Been HERE so no one cried and mourned me. Been here to hold Jessa's hand. Been here so everyone else didn't have to be. Been here so I wouldn't have been there.

"I'm sorry I left you with Tony, Jess." I squeezed her hand again.

She smiled at me and almost laughed. It felt good seeing her smile. Seeing her smile meant everything was gonna be alright. Everything was gonna be just fine.
***
It was hard to wrap my head around what was happening. My husband was alive, alive and rubbing my hand with his thumb, making small comforting circles in my palm. I had begun contemplating a life without him and here he was. Here. Real. I never wanted to feel that scared again.

And not only that but I was having a baby. I was in the delivery room. I'd known 9 months ago that I was gonna have a baby, but now I KNEW I was having a baby. If that makes sense. I could feel it inside pressing down on my insides, stretching my already small…well…hole.

"Jess, we're having our baby." Benji grinned.

I wanted to grin back but something stopped me. He looked so odd. Pale, tired, spooked. He looked like a ghost of Benji, not Benji. The way his voice shook and rose when I was going to ask about the accident made me believe he was scared. That it had truly frightened him. It scared me.

"Uh," Benji took the nurse's arm. "Do you think I could get some clothes somewhere?" He pointed to his dirty, dusty t-shirt and khaki's.
"You're gonna have to put these on." She handed Benji scrubs. He smirked.
"What's so funny?" I asked.
He held up the scrubs. "I gotta wear these?" And he laughed again. "I'm gonna be Dr. Benji…" He joked, going into the adjacent bathroom and changing his clothes.

He came out a minute later and held out his arms in a 'ta da' fashion. I laughed. He looked so cute. He came across the room and leaned down to kiss my forehead. I tilted my head up so I could give him a real kiss. Just as I tasted his familiar metalic taste we were interupted by a second nurse. She knocked and ahemmed.

"I'm sorry" She blushed. "But there's a man…uh…Steve Marshall?"
"Alright." He nodded. "Uh, you can let him in here, I guess." He shrugged.

The doors swung open as she walked out and swung back open bringing her and Steve inside.

"Benji!" He sounded loud and relieved. "It's so good to see you alright."
"I'm a little beat up," Benji mentioned and I noticed the tiny scratches on his face and arms.
"But I'm okay."
"Are you alright, Jess?"

I nodded. I was much better.

"I don't know what happen, but I need to make some kind of announcement to those people outside. This place is crawling with papparatzi."
"Are you kidding?" Benji asked.
"No. I need to get security to keep people out of here and I need to correct them. It's all over the news that you died." Steve shook his head, dirty blonde strands flying around his head.
"I'm a little more concerned with other things, right now." Benji pointed out.
"What?"
"Uh, my wife, my baby. You deal with the press, do what you do, work your magic, alright?" Benji rolled his eyes.
"Okay." Steve smiled. "Good luck and everything." He added awkwardly.
"Hey, Steve." I called.
"Yeah?"
"Where's Chris?"
"He's down stairs in ER. They want to keep him in observation overnight and…"
"Observation??" I asked startled.
"It's nothing." Benji smiled reassuringly and rested his hands on my shoulders. Then looked over his shoulder at Steve, I'm sure he glared.

After that he left the room. I was confused. What was wrong with Chris? Oh God, was he okay? I mean he can't really be okay, they wanted to keep him for observation.

"Jessa, don't worry about it." Benji forced me to look at him. "I want you to worry about the baby, not Chris."
"But, what if…"
"No, Chris will be fine. Right now were having a baby." He said firmly.

I reluctantly nodded.
***
"Yes, Jessa Madden, please?"
"I'm sorry miss, unless you're immediate family I can't let you in."
"I AM family. I'm her sister!" She screamed.
"Can I see ID."
"ID??! What for? I'm Alex Madden, let me in, my husband's in there."
"I still need ID."

Alex rolled her eyes and set Sam in his carrier on the floor. Her hand dove into her purse and frantically searched for her wallet. She pulled it out and slammed her ID on the desk. The receptionist picked it up and stared at it for a few seconds.

"This says you're name is Alexandra Peck."
"That's because we haven't been married that long." She rolled her eyes. "But he's my husband I swear to you."
"I'm sorry."
"FINE!"
***
"Hello?"
"They won't let me in!" Alex screamed.
"Let you in where?"
"The maternity floor!" She yelled again. "They think I'm lying."

"What am I, papparatzi? With a NEWBORN!" I could hear her scream at the receptionist, partly through the phone, partly from her voice carrying down the hall.

"I'll come get you, hold on." I snapped my phone shut and headed into the hall. It was a short distance to the desk. Alex had Sam on the counter and her hands on her hips. She was pissed.
"SEE!" She pointed at me as I approached. "My husband!"
"It's alright Doreen, this is my wife, Alex." I said taking Sam's carrier. Doreen was our only defense on this floor, security wasn't very tight at this hospital and appearently some of them are on strike. Needless to say we made nice with Doreen.
"I'm sorry, nice to meet you." She held out her hand.

Alex tutted and walked away. I half smiled at Doreen and followed Alex back to the waiting room. We had taken over the room, there were so many of us. A dozen styrofoam cups littered the table and Billy was asleep, so was Xander. Paul, Lilly, and Carly were playing cards. Adriana was on the phone. Tony and Renee were sitting all over each other and watching mtv. I had been sitting and thinking, moping, I guess.

I should be happy. My brother's alive. He's not even hurt, but I wasn't very happy for some reason. I felt weird. Suddenly Alex hugged me. I leaned my head down against her's. That was what I needed, my wife and my baby. We sat on the couch and I put Sam between us. I looked down at him and his eyes lit up at my sight. I stared at him a minute and then longer than a minute.

"What's the matter, dude?" Paul suddenly asked.
"Al, are his eyes brown…or green?"
"I thought they were brown." She said questioningly.
"One of them is." I pointed and she cowered over him.

His left eye was the same shade of brown as mine, but his right eye was green. Not that brownish green, but green green, like Alex.

"Wow."
"I didn't know they could do that." I gasped.
"Silly." Alex laughed. I smiled at her.

Sam whimpered. He obviously was very jealous that we were paying attention to each other and not to him.

"Okay, Champ, here we go." I said picking him up and bouncing him gently in my arms.
"So, Benji's okay." Alex asked seriously.
"Yeah, he's with Jessa, they moved her to the delivery room."
"God, she must have been going crazy inside. I couldn’t handle that." She shook her head.
"How's Chris?"
"Fine, I guess. They aren't saying much, but they won't let him leave the ER."
"Why?"
"He was unconscious for 3 hours!"
"My God." She shut her eyes. "I don't wanna think about this." She smoothed the smattering of blonde hair on Sam's head. "So how 'bout them Lakers?"
***
I don't think I was breathing normal. Everytime I reminded Jessa to breathe I had to remind myself. In and out, hee, hee, hoo. The screaming wasn't so bad, I'd spent years around loud noises. It was the hand squeezing. And the pain and panic across her face.

"Another push Jess, come you're doing great." Greenwald said from below.
She looked me in the eyes. "I can't, I can't."
"Yes, you can Jess, I know you can." I told her. This was really happening? You really say and do everything like in the movies. "Come on, together okay?"

She nodded, sweat dripping down the side of her face.

"Count of three." Greenwald announced.
I nodded at Jessa. Making her count along with me and the doctor. "ONE…TWO…THREE, PUSH!"

She screwed her eyes shut and gripped my hand, pushing with everything she had. She screamed, I screamed, Greenwald counted 10 seconds. You won't believe me, but 10 seconds is an incrediably long time.

"9……and 10, alright, you can stop." He signaled. "We have a head."
"We have a head!" I told Jessa. I leaned over her body to see. I had to blink a few times, it was so odd. I took a deep breath and smiled at Jess. "It's perfect."
"One more push should get the shoulders and we'll be out." He announced.

Jessa sighed and took a deep breath. She nodded at me. "Let's go."

She pushed again, gritting her teeth as she tried to make this the last one. I stopped staring at Jess, to look down and witness this. A little goo cover ball slowly emerged and my eyes widened as it became shoulders, chest, arms, hands and legs. And it cried.

"It's a girl!" Greenwald announced.

It's a girl, it's a girl. She's here! My baby girl, screaming to let us know she had arrived. It was like slow motion from cutting the cord and them taking her across the room. they cleaned her with a cloth and sucked stuff from her tiny nostrils. She continued crying beating her little fisted hands around wildly. I wanted to beat away all the nurses hands and take her in my arms, it was obvious she wanted me, right? Isn't that what she was screaming? "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, make them stop."

The doctor was trying to get Jessa to pay attention and deliver her afterbirth, but she was trying to see around me, trying to see the baby.

"Benji! I can't see her." Jessa cried. "I want to see her."
"She's okay, Jess. She's beautiful."
"They're bringing her over in a minute Jessa, pay attention to me." Greenwald forced her to focus.

After Jessa had finished I stood next to her. one nurse laid a clean pink and blue edged blanket on Jessa's chest and stomach. Another nurse carefully set her into Jessa's ready arms.

"Say hello to Mommy and Daddy." She said. She instantly quieted, it was like magic, like she knew this was mommy.

We leaned in close around her. She was perfect. Absolutely perfect. I looked down into her teeny tiny face. She looked like Jessa. Down to the dark hair and long eyelashes. I wanted to cry. Jessa already was. She looked at me and smiled. She looked at the baby again and then back to me.

"I love you."

Part 6
"Can I…hold her?" Benji asked.
"Of course." Our burly nurse, Brant, grinned. He was surprisingly gentle for a big black man, but he was wearing purple scrubs and his nametag had teddy bear stickers on it. Benji trembled slightly as he placed the tiny girl into his colorful arms.

"Benj?" I questioned.
"I've never done this before." He said earnestly.

I smiled. Brant laughed.

"You guys will be okay?" he asked, tucking a pen in his pocket.
"I think so." I felt warm inside watching Benji holding her. His eyes were all lit up and his mouth was curled into the biggest, proudest smile.
"If you need anything all you gotta do is holla." Brant laughed and headed out of the room.

She was really here. Our baby. The one that we talked to constantly and the one we planned for endlessly. She was here now. Benji was just staring at her, like he didn't know what to do. I watched his eyes travel from her head to her toes and back again.

"Babe, she's so…beautiful." He murmured.

I smiled and nodded. Benji touched her tiny cheek and she rubbed against his hand. He looked at me with surprised 'did-you-see-that' eyes. I nodded again.

"She looks a lot like you." I noted.
"Me?" his eyes widened. "No way, she's all you, Jess."

"Look at her Benj, round face and that nose and those cheeks." I grinned, looking at her and Benji at once. Like father like daughter. "What should we name her?" I asked Benji. I instantly felt like I was naming a dog and 'Cash' sprang to mind. I silently laughed.

He stared at her like she was the most amazing thing he'd ever seen.

"What was that name…the one you used in DC? When I lost my wallet." He broke eye contact with her for a brief second.
"Isabel?"
"Yeah, Isabel, I like that. Isabel Madden." He grinned.
"Isabel." I repeated.
"She still needs a middle name." He pointed out.
"Toni, with an 'I'." I announced. "He helped."
"Isabel Toni Madden? Yeah. I like it." Benji grinned and placed her back into my arms, he touched her tiny cheek. "Hi, Isabel."

I smiled down at my baby girl. She was awesome and perfect and beautiful. I was in love.

"I gotta go get Joel!" Benj sounded like a little kid. He bit his lip and rushed out of the room to find his brother. I almost laughed.
***
"8 pounds 9 ounces." Benji announced coming into the waiting room. He looked silly in green doctors scrubs. He was still wearing those weird booties over his chucks, too. "19 inches."
"Boy or girl?" Adriana asked eagerly.
"A baby girl."

"Awwwwwwwwwwwww" Everyone cooed and grinned at Benji.

I stood up and gave my brother a hug.

"Her name is Isabel."
"Benj, you’re a dad." I congratulated.
He hugged me back. "It's awesome. You gotta see her…she's…sooooooo…amazing."
"I bet."
"No, Joel she really is. She's like…"
"Dude, I know." I laughed.
"No, but Joel she's…"
"Gorgeous, I know, can we see her?"
"Yeah, come on!" he motioned.
"All of us?" I asked surprised.

"Oh." Benji was too excited to think straight…but that's what twins are for.

"We can go a few at a time."
"You and Alex first." Benji grinned and shook his legs anxiously.

It made me warm inside seeing Benji this happy, but it was hard to ignore the slight limp or the tiny red scratches on his face. I could imagine what made them…shattering windshields, sharp metal…I was surprised he wasn't more hurt. Who said he wasn't? I wasn't used to seeing Benji so…weak. He was my big brother, he didn't get hurt. It was an odd role reversal where I was the stronger one. I tried to think positive, to think about…Isabel.

Benji with a little baby girl. I had been so sure that they would have a boy like us and our boys would play together all the time, tag team like Benj and I. He was gonna let this go to head. She was going to be the biggest spoiled brat, I could see it. Benji would never be able to tell her no. And just wait 'til she grows up. Any boy that dared to try and date Benji's girl…dead man walking.

It was funny. I suddenly wanted a little girl as well. I knew I was crazy for thinking that. I'd just had a boy. I mean JUST had. He was a week, a week and a half; far too young for me to be thinking of seconds. I couldn't help my feelings sometimes. If I'm happy I'm happy, if I'm sad, I'm SAD.

Right now, I think I was happy.
***
"Knock, knock." Joel tapped on the door, entering cautiously behind Benj. I could see Alex a few feet behind him.

"Come on dude, look at her." Benji urged.
"Is it alright, Jess?" Joel asked sweetly, he had after all dealt with a post-partum wife. We were slightly territorial.

"Come on in, Joel."

He grinned and walked over. He and Alex leaned down to her, their faces lighting with delight.

"Oh man, Benj. She looks like you." He laughed.
"She's gonna be a heartbreaker." Alex added.
"Can I?" Joel motioned.

I passed her very carefully to him. "Hi, Isabel." He said softly. "I'm uncle Joel."

He giggled. "I'm an uncle."
"Uh, Joel, you're also a father and husband." Alex pointed out. "
I know…I just…I think it's cool, okay?"

Alex laughed at her husband. "Can I hold her?"

Joel passed Isabel again into Alex's arms. She made little annoyed grunts. She wasn't a fan of attention, sounds like me. Maybe she did look a little like me, but I saw a lot more Benji in that round face of hers.

"So Isabel, huh?" Alex asked.
"Does she have a middle name?" Joel added.
"Toni." Benji answered.
"Tony?! As in Tony?" He asked.
"Yup." Benji grinned.
"How come Tony gets a shout out?" Joel sounded hurt. "I'm you're brother!"
"I dunno man, it was Jessa's idea." Benji took Isabel from Alex.
"My kid has your name!" He continued.
"Well, she's a girl; her middle name can't be Joel."
"How about Joeny?"
"Joeny?"
"Joel plus Tony makes Joeny!" He explained. "J-O-E from Joel and N-Y from Tony."
"Joeny?" Benji asked me.
"Please Jess, I swear you don't have to name any other kids after me."

Joeny? Joeny…Isabel Joeny…Isabel Joeny Madden.

"That's really cute." I nodded. "Okay. Isabel Joeny it is. Now I want my baby!"

Benji chuckled and passed her back to me. She yawned and fluttered her little eyelashes.

"I know just how you feel." I yawned myself.
"Are you tired Jess?" Joel asked with his half smile, half frown.
"I think we should go, now." Alex added.
"Hey, tell everybody to go home." Benji mentioned. "It's getting late and Jessa's tired."
"Alright." Joel patted his shoulder with support. "You better get some rest too, Benj, promise?"
"Yeah sure." He nodded.

Joel and Alex left, shutting the door gently behind them. I knew everyone would be upset not to be seeing Isabel tonight, but I was a little glad Benji suggested they just head home. I was not up to visitors really. Between labor, birth, and a 'dead' husband, I was exhausted.

"How about we let them take her to the nursery now and you go to sleep." Benji suggested, brushing hair from my forehead.
"Sounds great."
"You've had a long day baby."

I yawned again. "So have you." I pointed out. I noticed a bright red scratch running down the side of his neck, from his ear and along side Mary, disappearing into his shirt.
"No, it's okay." He smiled.
"No, it's not okay. I want you to go get checked out in the ER Benji and then get some sleep."
"Jess…"
"Don't you argue with me. I know you wanted to be here with me and you were, so now quit being macho and go see the doctor." I yelled. He was not getting out of this.

He cocked his head to the side and rolled his eyes.

"Benji!"
"Alright, alright." He acquiesced.
"You promise you will go straight to the ER?" I asked sternly.
"Baby, I'm not gonna lie to you. I will."
"Say it Benj, say that you will."
He sighed. "I, Benjamin Levi Madden, being of sound mind and judgement promise Jessa Marie Cas--, I mean Madden, that I will be seen by a doctor in the ER." His kissed my forehead. "Geez, Jess, you'd think you don't trust your own husband."

He took Isabel from my arms and rocked her back and forth he leaned and kissed her forehead. "Bye bye, Isabel, sleep well." He laid her in the bassinet.

He pushed the call button. A few minutes later, Brant came back in and wheeled her away to the nursery, saying he'd be back in a few hours so I could feed her. Benji gave me a kiss, the softest, sweetest, most I love you kiss. I smiled.

"Night, Jess. Love you." he murmured.
"Love you too."
***
Everyone was packing up and getting ready to leave when I came in.

"Hey" I called.
"Hey, Benj, thought you were getting some shut eye?" Billy asked.
"Naw I'm alright, you guys can come see her in the nursery."
"Benj?" Joel put on the concerned tone.

I didn't wanna hear it. I didn't want them all to feel bad for me. I wanted them all to celebrate with me and forget all about today. I wanted it to just go away. I had a baby now. I had a family. Families mean happiness and warmth and nothing but good things, so why don't they let it go.

"Come on." I motioned and made them follow me. I felt like Moses as I led them down the hall. They all pressed their faces to the glass and scanned the room. She was on the end, the only pink blanket in a sea of blue. They had covered her head in a pink and blue beanie. She was mine. MY daughter. MY little girl. Daddy's girl, just like Jessa said.

"She's adorable, Benj." Tony grinned.
"I can't believe you have a baby. Jessa has a baby." Renee gasped. "Isabel? That's so cute."
"Isabel Joeny, actually." I elaborated.
"Joeny?" Adriana cocked her eyebrow, "As in Mitchell?"
"As in Joel plus Tony" I explained.

Tony's eyes went wide. "You, you…you named your kid after me?"
"Why not, Tone? You're my best friend." I nodded. "Besides, Jessa's really grateful."

Tony beamed. Renee hugged him. "One day, we'll have a kid and give it Benj's name."
"Yeah," Tony agreed and kissed her.

Paul and Lilly were oohing and aahing over her. Xander pressed his face all the way to the glass and looked inside.

"Baby!" He pulled back and pointed at his discovery.
"Yes, Xander, there's lots of babies, huh?" Lilly asked.
"Baby!" He repeated and pressed his face back to the glass.
"Hey, X, you wanna baby?" Paul grinned.
"Daddy!" Xander leaned towards him from Lilly's arms and pointed in the nursery. "BABY!!"
"Hey, Lil, maybe we oughtta get him a baby brother." Paul added, grabbing her by the waist.

"All this baby talk is making my clock tick like mad." Carly looked at Billy. He jumped, but quickly grinned and wrapped his arms around her.

I looked over at Joel and Alex. He was pouting and staring at me.

"Benj, you need to see a doctor."
"Don't worry about it." I shrugged.
"Benji, you were in a major car accident, you need to be seen!"
"Joel's right." Alex agreed. "You could have internal injuries."

That's right, I could, I could be slowly bleeding to death inside, but I didn't wanna hear it. I wanted to be with my family and friends and my wife and baby, up until those last seconds. And I wanted them to be happy. I didn't want to know something was wrong and spend the last hour of my life mourning my death.

"Go down to the ER Benj, we're all going home." Tony urged.
"I'm beat." Billy nodded.
"I wanna call my mom and dad and call Chad." Adriana added.

Everyone gave me a hug and a congratulations and headed home. Only Joel and Alex stuck around. He was still pouting and giving me a look.

"Benji, I'm not leaving until you go to the doctor." Joel crossed his arms.
"Stop it Joel, just leave me alone alright." I griped. "I can take care of myself."
"Benji!"
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I yelled and stalked off.

I went into the nursery, the nurse looked scared. I must have been scowling. Men with tattoos and piercings shouldn't scowl, cause then they look menacing. I softened.

"Can I see my baby girl?"
She smiled brightly. "Sure, actually she isn't sleeping."

I got comfortable in the rocking chair and held her in my arms. Just like the nurse said she was wide awake. She flailed her little arms around as if she was flagging in a plane by semaphore.

"Hey, baby girl. Daddy again. Are you an insomniac too?" I asked and chuckled. "It's been a long day, huh sweetie. We've been through a lot. Mommy too. I know she probably scared you, but it's okay now, cause daddy's here."

She started fluttering her eyelashes again. My arm started to ache again.

"Listen, I love you. I don't know you yet, but I love you and if anything bad happens to me I want you to know that. If something really is wrong and I…go…away, it's all been worth it, cause I got to see you and hold you."

I couldn't help grinning.

"I'm really scared Iz. I'm afraid that something's wrong. I hurt inside so much. But I don't wanna leave you and mommy. I don't. I'm always gonna protect you."

I heard gentle footsteps and the swing of the door. Instinctively, I looked up and saw my brother gliding towards me.
***
Of course, I followed him. He was acting completely irrational and stupid. He went into the nursery. He sat down in a rocking chair and rocked her back and forth, gazing at her intently. I pushed the door open after I let him have a few daddy/daughter moments.

"She's so perfect, Joel. She's perfect." He was in awe.
"If she's fine then go see a doctor, Benj."

He shook his head.

"Benji, quit acting like this. What's wrong with you?" I wanted to yell, but the dozen infants prevented me.
"I don't wanna talk about it Joel."

What didn't he want to talk about? His health? His life? And why not with me? I'm his twin brother, his best friend. What happen to that?

"Benj…" I started but wasn't sure what I wanted to say. "Look, you were in a bad accident…"
"Joel, just stop." He squeezed his eyes shut.. "I don't wanna talk about it. I just wanna forget about it."
"Just look what it's doing to you?!" I did raise my voice slightly this time causing the nurse to shush me. "Benj…" I pleaded softly.

He looked down at his daughter instead of me. I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. Benji wasn't listening to a single one of my words.

"Benj, please get help…" I begged one more time. "If not for me, or for Jess, for her. Do it for Isabel. She needs you."

Benji nodded slightly and I stood up. I didn't know what the nod actually meant, and I wasn't satisfied, but he didn't look like he was giving any more. I was more scared for my brother right now than I had ever been. He looked weak and sick, he was shutting himself completely down and playing this game where he had not just been through serious emotional, traumatic hell.

If Benji had ever needed to see a doctor/shrink more, I hadn't seen it.

Part 7
Benji was snoring in the chair next to my bed. Legs sprawled ahead of him, cup of coffee on the table, newspaper open in his lap. At least he was sleeping. Four out of the five times I was awoken to feed Isabel, he'd been up and the other time he was in the cafeteria getting his coffee.

It was hard to believe he went down stairs and got checked at all. I don't know why he was being so weird about it. I'd never known Benji to be scared of doctors. It had to be something more, something significant, but he had shut down completely. Shut me out, shut Joel out. I was afraid to ask him what was wrong.

"How's my favorite patient?" Brant came in wheeling Isabel in her plastic bassinet. "Ready to go home yet?"
"And give up nanny service?" I joked.

Brant laughed. "I know you're probably tired, but you two are doing really good. You should go home this afternoon."

He glanced at Benji as he placed Isabel in my arms.

"So, he finally passed out huh? Good for him." He noted. "I mean I've seen my share of devoted daddies but he takes the cake. He watched you guys like a hawk."
"That's Benji for ya. He's devoted." I slightly frown as I looked at my husband. He looked so pale.

Isabel started crying, loud enough to shake me from my thoughts and stir Benji from his sleep.

"What? Chris?" Benji exclaimed, knocking his coffee to the floor.

Brant went towards Benji, to help clean up. He tossed the newspaper on the floor over the spilled black coffee. Benji grabbed tissues wildly from the box and dabbed the wet spots on his clothes. I adjusted Isabel in my arms and she quieted as he hungry mouth found my nipple.

"Jess?"
"Yeah. Are you alright?"
"Oh. Oh yeah." He mentioned shaking his head. "Great." He put on a forced smile.

I ignored his fragile sight and the fear from his voice and I didn't feel like pushing him and ultimately arguing with him about the doctor again.

"Brant says were about ready to go home." I stroked Iz's head as she ate.
"Well, there's a little more to go, and paperwork." Brant explained.
"That's great."
"I thought we might stop by and see Chris before we go." I suggested.

Benji looked off into space for a moment. Contemplating something I couldn't quite figure. He looked lost, off in his own world.

"Benj?"
"Yeah, that's a great idea, Jess." He nodded again, acting as if he hadn't just spent a minute in lala land.
"Baby, are you alright?"

He frowned.

"Benj, you're scaring me." I explained. "I don't know what's going on with you at all."
"I'm sorry, baby." He said "I...I just..."
"Baby, what happened to you?"
"I really don't wanna talk about it."
"What do you mean, 'you don't wanna talk about it? Benj, you HAVE to talk about it."
"No, no I don't." He stood up angrily.

He stalked out of the room. Brant looked up from his chart.

"I don't wanna butt in or anything, but is there something I can do?" he asked.
"Can you go back 12 hours ago and stop the accident from happening?" I answered moodily.
***
"Hey knock, knock." I smiled as Benji wheeled me into Chris' private room. Steve insisted he had to have his own room, no wards.

Chris grinned. He had a big gauze bandage on his head that made me feel oddly squeamish. He also had a little monitor on his finger, as well.

"Is this her?" He asked grin deepening.

Isabel was asleep in my arms. All dressed and ready to go home. Benji seemed to be in a better mood since his fit this morning. He pushed all the way up to Chris' bedside. He looked almost as happy as Benji.

"She's beautiful you guys."
"It's cause she looks like Jess." Benji mentioned sitting down on the empty opposite bed.
"That's probably true." Chris agreed.
"Stop it." I blushed.
"Can I hold her?" He reached out his arms.

"Of course you can." I got up a little bit, Benji immediately bridging the gap between us. As if I was sure to drop her. Chris very carefully took her.

"Wow." He gasped. "So, how does it feel?"
"Overwhelming." I sighed.
"You'll do great, Jess. You have mom written all over you." He said. "I mean, you've raised Benji up well."
"Oh, haha." Benji rolled his eyes.

For a few minutes everything was normal and good. We were hanging out as friends. Benji's limp had disappeared. So did Chris's bandage and my wheelchair. There wasn't any accident, everything was good and happy. We joked, we talked about the baby, we made fun of Benji.

At a particularly good one from Chris involving Benji in an apron and an issue of Good Housekeeping, we all burst into hysterics and of course that woke up Iz. She screamed, it was by no means a pleasant sound. Chris' own fatherly instincts took over and he rocked her back and forth.

"Shh, it's okay sweetheart, shh."

It actually worked, to our surprise. She silenced to small whimpers and Chris smiled broadly. I smiled back. Benji sat back down on the bed.

"Benj, something wrong with your arm?" Chris asked.
Benji groaned slightly. "No, nothing, I'm fine." He was lying again.
"Dude, you've been rubbing it. Does it hurt?" he asked.
"No, I'm fine."

Chris looked at me funny and motioned his neck towards Benji as if to ask 'what's up with him?' I shook my head.

"Just stop it." Benji spat and stood up. "I don't need you guys to…"
"Worry Benj?" I yelled. "Cause it's not like we love you or anything. It's not like we care if you're hurt."
"Shut up!" He yelled back at me.

"Hey, hey! Whoa! What the hel—" Chris looked at Isabel a second. "Heck, what the heck is going on? Did I miss something?"
"Yeah 3 hours." Benji sank onto the bed.

Chris looked slightly confused.

"What happened to me Benji? I mean I don't really remember it. I remember leaving the restaurant and I remember you saying we should take the streets and then I don't know." Chris frowned and shook his head. "It's all fuzzy after that. I mean up until the doctors."
***
I could hear the screaming in my head. I could hear sirens and peoples panic. I could see bright red spilling from Chris' head. His eyes were closed. The world was upside down and I was crumpled up and pressed against my door and the roof, my arm caught beneath me, my leg tangled in the seatbelt. There was terrible smell of burning cars and people. Chris was dead at my side and I was dying.

"Benj?" Chris spoke. "Man, are you alright?"

I opened my eyes and was met with the ugly life draining sick gray walls. The awful hospital smell, faintly covered by the bright sweet get well flowers. Chris and Jessa were staring at me, wide eyed.

"I'm fine." I repeated.
"Benj…" Chris stared at me incredulously.
"I. AM FINE." I said, firmly. "Jess, I think we should go home."
"I'm not going anywhere with you." She shook her head. "Not like this."

"Jess…" I started but she cut me off.
"No! Give me Isabel." She stood up shakily and took her from Chris. She was supposed to stay in a wheelchair while in the hospital, it was policy.
"Jessa, you’re supposed to stay in the wheelchair." I gasped as she tried to leave.
"Yeah, well some of us actually can walk." She said icily , walking out with my daughter.

I knew she wasn't leaving for real, but it still hurt. It still made me feel like shit. I knew I was letting her down, but I couldn't go back there. I couldn't let myself relive it.

"You're a stupid asshole." Chris sounded actually angry.
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me. Look at what you have. You have a woman who loves you and a baby girl. You have a perfect little family. I wish I had something that I could take for granted like that." He spat at me.
"Dude.."

"Look Benj, I don't know what happened really, all I know is that people thought we were dead and that I don't remember anything. That means it had to be pretty bad. And I bet it's eating you alive inside, right?"

I lowered my head to my chest.

"Benji, you need to make sure you're okay so that you can see that little girl of yours grow up. I'm a great uncle but I can't be no replacement, alright."

I smiled to myself.

"And Jessa. She needs you Benji, she really does. She can't raise that baby girl all by herself. I mean who's gonna tuck her in at night and chase away the monsters? Who's gonna hunt down her first boyfriend with an M-180?"

I laughed and smiled at him.

"C'mon Benj. Just go see a doctor. It's gonna take 10 minutes and everyone can rest easier."
"But, Chris…I'm scared."
"Yeah, and I wasn't when the doctors told me I was a missing a 3 hour chunk of my life." Chris said sarcastically. "That I nearly missed severe brain damage."
"Dude…"I murmured.

"But if I died, who'd really be affected." He shrugged. "You got people who'd miss you."
"So do you. Jess'd really miss you."

He lifted the corner of his mouth. We sat there together in silence. He was right, they all had been. And they all loved me and wanted me here with them. I wanted to be here, for the first time in my life I WANTED to keep living. I didn't feel like just giving up the way I always had. I wanted to fight all the feelings and not give up. Suicide was no longer an option.

"Mr. Wilson." A doctor came in. "Oh, didn't know you had a visitor."
"Dr. Davis, this is my friend, Benji. Benji this is uh…my doctor."
"Hi," I waved.
"Just wanna do a quick check up. I think you can go home in a few hours." Dr. Davis explained. "You were really lucky. Most people who leave an accident unconscious, stay unconscious."

I shuttered.

"What about the people who walk out?" I asked, swallowing a lump in my throat.

He turned to me curiously.

"Benji was in the accident too. He was driving." Chris explained.
"Oh." The doctor stared at me. "Well what did the doctors say."
"I haven't seen one." I said in a very small voice.
"I'm sure some one in the ER can see you." He mentioned. "Do you feel alright?"

I took a deep breath. Chris nodded at me, urging me to go on.

"My arm's been killing me and my leg."
"I'd say that's worth checking out." He had this stern fatherly tone. "Don't you think so?"

I felt about 14 years old. He matched my dad's tone exactly. I had tracked mud into the house and left my snowy wet jacket on the floor by the door.

"Benji, you wanna pick that up?"
"Yeah, I'll do it, Dad." It went in one ear and out the other, as usual. I was busy with the sports page.

"Jesus, Benjamin! What is more important that picking up after yourself. Do you like living in such filth?"
"Just let me find the…"
"Benji!" He was looking right over my shoulder. "What is that?"

He picked it up and scanned it a few minutes. "Playoffs? Already?"

I nodded. He chuckled and mussed my hair. I don't think he actually had, but that's the way I liked to remember it. He reminded me to pick up before mom got home and said something about watching the playoffs with his boys on Sunday. And for once his boys meant Josh, Joel, and me.

That's one of my most favorite memories of my dad. Why I thought about it now, who knows. Sometimes I did think about him and I liked to. The good memories made me feel happy, like I'd had a good childhood.

"Yeah, I think so." I nodded. "I'm gonna go down to the ER. If Jessa comes back, tell her that's where I'm at."
***
I waited in the lobby for Benji to come looking for me. He really pissed me off and it hurt. It hurt because I'd almost lost him. It hurt because we just had a baby and we should not be fighting. I shouldn't be mad at him but I couldn't help it. I wanted him to be okay. I wanted him to genuinely smile at me, to make casual suggestive comments and call me little one. I wanted Benji to be Benji.

I already called Joel, he was picking us up. I patiently waited, looking down at Isabel as she slept. She had a lot of hair for a newborn and pretty little round cheeks. It's hard to believe any of us were ever this size. Benji this tiny, or Joel, or Tony, it was such a strange concept.

"Jess!" a voice called. "Jessa!"

I looked up from my very own masterpiece to see Steve coming towards me. He folded his phone shut as he made his way.

"Hey." He smiled. "How are you? Where's Benji?"
"I'm okay. Kinda stressed out."
"Understandable." He sighed. "Oh wow, she's prettier in person."

I laughed.

"I saw her through the nursery glass a little while ago." He said smiling and lightly touching her cheek. She sighed in her little baby way.

"Look Jess. I know you don't wanna think about it, but the press is nuts over Benji, Chris and you."
"You're right, I don't wanna think about it." I cut him off before he could finish.
"Jess, I'd be nice if either you or Benji made a statement."
"Excuse…"
"How about 'I'm suing the press'?" Benji appeared. His left arm was in a sling across his chest. "Benj…"

"They told the world I was DEAD!" He yelled. "They made me wife mourn me for no reason and put my friends and family under unnecessary stress."
"Benji…"
"What the hell made them say that anyway?"

Steve took a breath. "According to ABC, who broke the news, a paramedic on scene said that Benji Madden had a head injury, but of course that was Chris. But whoever heard the paramedic told someone else and they told someone else and by the time it made it to air the story was that they found your remains. It was chaos down there. NBC said you died in the ambulance. You can't blame anybody for it Benji."

"Bullshit, yes I can. The big mouth who thought they had a story when they overheard the paramedic, the news anchor who thought it was a good idea to report the names of people who were dead. I mean, who DOES that?"
"Benji, I just want you to think about it before you do anything." He wanted to add stupid, before you do anything stupid, but he didn't. "Go home and be with your wife and your baby girl. Then see what you wanna do."

Benji's face still twisted with anger. I took one hand and patted the seat next to me. Benji carefully took the seat and I leaned over and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. Steve stood up.

"Don’t do anything stupid Benj." He warned. "And congratulations, guys, she's beautiful."

He walked away. We were quiet again. It was that awkward 'are we okay' moment. After you've fought with your boyfriend of spouse or friend. When you think you've forgiven them, but you aren't sure if they've forgiven you.

"Benj…" I started slowly.
"Jess, I'm an idiot, you don't have to tell me."
I sighed. "I don't think you're an idiot."
"You should."
"Are you okay?" I asked, trying to sound my most forgiving and understanding.

"Banged up. Cuts and bruises. A sprained arm." He lifted it a little bit. "And my leg. The doctor gave me a prescription for some painkillers, but she says I'm okay. No internal injuries."
I grinned. "Baby, that's great news."
"She also said my junk's in top form."

I twisted with disgust as he laughed.

"And that I rocked her world."
"You are so sick and perverted."
"And you STILL married me!" he giggled.

"Benj! Jess!" Joel whistled and waved his arms overhead.
"Our cab driver is here!" I announced.
***
I stared at the car for a few seconds as Joel helped Jessa buckling the baby seat in the back. It looked like a death machine. I didn't wanna get in. It just made me think of the accident. I was aware I started to shake a little.

The door slammed as Jessa settled in the back. Joel got in the drivers seat and stared at me through the open passengers side door.

"Benj, come on. Shotgun." He motioned.

I continued staring. I thought about Chris. That's where Chris sat. I remember losing control of the car. I remember how the first hit shot pain up my leg because I slammed on the brake so hard. The feeling when we rolled and Chris screaming as his seatbelt came undone and he flew head first towards the windshield below.

"Benji, come on let's go." Joel urged.
"I…I can't." I felt like a kindergartner on the verge of tears because I was scared.

"Benji are you alright?" Joel cocked his head sympathetically.

I was rooted to my spot. I attempted to be brave and step forward but it made me feel dizzy. I shut my eyes tightly and shook my head. It's just a car Benj. I told myself. I put my foot forward again and I quickly turned and threw up coffee and vending machine food.

"Benj!" Joel sounded scared.
"Don't Joel." Jessa stopped him.

I felt her hand on my shoulder. I looked up at her and she looked sympathetically at me.

"Come on baby." She pulled me up and led me to the back seat, behind Joel. "Sit next to Isabel and me."

The back seat was better, but I was still shaky and nervous. She shut the passengers door and got in on the other side of Isabel. She reached her hand across and grabbed my free hand. She squeezed and smiled at me.