*I'd Like to thank oskar, sugar, and Em, for all their help with the wedding "planning". Also to blissweddings.com for help with the vows, Joel's speech, and the procession.

Part 1
It was November 10th. My wedding was in two days and my dress did not fit me.

"Aaahhhh" I groaned, pulling the silky white material around my belly. I stomped my feet, stepping all over the hem of my jeans. "This is so frustrating."
"Quit being dramatic Jess." Adriana sipped her coffee. "They can fix it."
"This dress has changed sizes FOUR times! FOUR!" I shouted. I was a cow. A fat cow.
"Jessa, it doesn't matter. I mean, look at you. Your getting married at the best possible time. Your hair's all shiny and your skin's flawless. Your boobs look great. I'd fuck you."

I looked at my reflection in the mirror.

"You incestuous cunt."
"C'mon Benji is going to die when he sees you in that. DIE…with a boner."

We both broke into a fit of giggles.

"What'd we miss?" Renee entered with my youngest sister Lauryn and Lilly.
"Oh my God, 'Ess." Lauryn stood by me open mouthed, calling me by the baby name she'd given me as a toddler. "You look so…oh my God. This dress is incredible. How much did it cost?"
"A lot less if I didn't gain 5 pounds a week." I turned to watch my profile. Holding the dress against my underbelly to see how much I stuck out.
"Don't you remember my wedding?" Lilly raised her eyebrows. "I was way bigger than you and it looked worse because I'm not even 5 feet tall. I was a little whale. Paul started calling me 'Beluga'."

We giggled.

"Benji calls me Watermelon."
"Watermelon?" Renee asked.
"He says it looks like I'm carrying a watermelon." I explained.
"Damn." Renee pouted. "I want a baby. I want Tony to call me names and be all cute like Paul and Benji and Joel."
"Listen to me right now Nay." I faced her. "Take all the time in the world. Once they're here, you don't have a life. Look at Lilly."
"Thank you Jessa." She rolled her eyes. "Have a baby when you're both ready to have a baby, Ren."

She nodded a little.

"So has Alex ditched us again?" Lilly looked around.

I shrugged.

"What can I say? She's Alex. She's just not in a happy mood. I mean she just got married, you’d think she be all for wedding stuff, but oh no…she's been sleeping a lot. I think it's her parents. Joel said they're horrible to her."

"Well, we're not thinking about that." Adriana stood up and tossed her coffee cup in the garbage. "You are getting married in 2 days. And Mom and Dad are coming…"
"Yeah." My shoulders slumped.

I hadn't talked with my dad since he called that night. I felt very apprehensive about seeing him tonight when they arrived. Neither of our parents even knew we were pregnant. I never found a chance to tell them. Things had been coming so fast that all of a sudden my parents and family members were arriving and I was very obviously pregnant. It's not like I could hide behind, Benji.

"'Ess, you okay?" Lauryn cocked her head to the side.

I popped out of my daze. I smiled at my little sister.

"What? Hey, you haven't even said hi yet. Give me a hug." I enveloped her. She had driven up this morning from San Diego after class (she went to San Diego State). She hugged back. "When'd you do this?" I pointed to the blonde patch in her short dark hair.

"Last week, Dad hates it." She smiled. "When'd you do this?" She pointed to my belly.
"Hmm…you pervert."
"Jess-UH I didn't mean it like that. Why haven't you told the 'rents?"
"Fear?" I bit my lip.
"Are you kidding, they're gonna love it." Lauryn's eyes brightened. She was extremely happy about it I could tell.

"You think so? They practically spit fire at Rach."
"But Rach has other problems." Adriana rolled her eyes. "Jess, you're the good one. And the first one to get married, a baby is icing man."
"It's not like they're thrilled bout me getting married." I frowned, unable to see a happy ending.
"'Ess, yes they are." Lauryn tried to convince me.
"They don’t like Benji."
"Dad doesn’t like Benji. Mom adores him." Adriana pointed out. "He'll come around eventually, don't worry."
***
"Benji!! My parents are coming tonight…in a few hours!" I yelled at him.
"So."

Despite that fact, he was still going out with Joel, Tony, Josh and the rest. I felt selfish trying to make him stay, but I didn't want to face my parents alone. I'd been with him when his mom and siblings arrived yesterday with the most puzzled looks on their faces, seeing two very pregnant women and two unwed twins. (Momma had no idea Joel and Alex were now Mr. and Mrs. Madden.) His mom wasn't absolutely happy, but after the shock set in she was exuberant and went on and on about the thrill of being a grandmother.

"Ben-ji! We need to tell them."
"Why bother, they're gonna see it, Jess." He answered matter-of-factly.
"Exactly, we need to explain…"
"Jessa, we don't owe them an explanation. It's not like we did anything wrong."
"I know that…"
"Than don't worry, little one." He rubbed a spot on my nose.

I had to smile as he continued dressing.

"You just don't want me to go out." He watched his reflection and made faces at me.
"Baby…I…why do you need a bachelor party anyway?" I met his eyes in the mirror.
"It's not a bachelor party. It's just a night with my boys. We haven't been able to just be boys anymore."
"Oh really? What do you call touring?"
"My job!"
"You love it."
"And a man can't love his job?"

I sighed. I had to let him go. It's not like it was gonna be bad. Good Charlotte partied tame, to the disappointment of many fans I'm sure. Billy and Chris were the only real bachelors, but guys are guys. I didn't think they were gonna go out and use their best judgement, I'm not stupid. It made me nervous. Benji was right, they hadn't had time to be "boys." Maybe they'd take tonight for all it's worth and get rid of their inner party animal. I was afraid of what that meant.

"Jess, I promise I won't do anything you wouldn't want me doing."
"Like…"
"Don't use your imagination. We're probably not gonna do much. We'll be back by midnight I bet."

I laughed.

"Old man." I teased.
"Golddigger." He shot back.
"I'm gonna go see if the girls want pizza." I started for the door.
"Ooh, pizza, maybe I'll stay." Benji joked.

I left and walked quickly across the lawn to the house. It was strange having it full. Apart from Joel and Alex upstairs, his mom, Sarah, and Josh were all staying here, not to mention my parents and Rachel and Lulu, when they arrived. Lauryn and Zoe drove up this afternoon and were staying at Adriana's. Maybe I'd invite them over to share some pizza with Alex, momma, Sarah and I. Have my own girls night.

"Where's Jess?" I could hear my dad's masculine voice. Looks like I was off on the timing.
"Oh, I'm sure she's out—" Momma turned the corner and ran into me. "Here she is. Your parents are here, sweetheart."

Moment of truth. I swallowed. I came around the corner wearing my new Made hoodie, my pregnant belly very visible. Both my parents stared at me. I felt so guilty, but I hadn't done anything wrong. Why didn't I just tell them?

"Oh, Jessie." My mom sighed.
"He…he…got you pregnant, Jess?" My dad sound undeniably angry.

I knew it. Why couldn't he be happy? I wanted to cry.

"It's really exciting isn't it?" Momma tried to ease tension. Bless her.
"Jessa, why didn't you say anything?" He scolded, not hearing one word.
"I didn't know how you'd react. It doesn't look good, does it?"
"Jessa…a baby…" he shut his eyes, sighing with anger.
"A baby, what? Our baby. Benji and I are having a baby. We're very happy and excited about it."
"You're going to be grandparents." Momma continued trying to appeal to him.

"Robin, please stay out of this. It doesn't have to do with you." I couldn't believe he brushed her off like that. "You're not marrying him because you're pregnant are you? Jessa don't let him make you feel trap-"
"Excuse me?" Benji came into the house, standing between his mom and I.

They glared at each other. Neither one pretended to like each other. My father looked at me as I stood by Benji and gripped his hand. He scoffed.

"He's ruining your life."
"Jake!" My mom gasped. She hit his arm.

I felt anger boiling inside of me. I hated him. I had the insatiable urge to smack him. One look at Benji told me he wanted to do worse. His mother looked sad/afraid and went upstairs. My father was ruining everything for everyone.

"You're staying upstairs." I said coldly and turned to Benji, pulling him in the direction of the living room.

Rachel was watching her daughter, my niece, Lulu sleeping on Joel's couch.

"Hi," she whispered, trying not to wake her, grinning and coming across the room.

I invited her hug, for more than one reason, and watched Benji take one as well. He stared strangely at my sister.

"This is my big sister Rachel." I introduced.
"You know you look just like her?" Benji asked, never taking his eyes from her.
"I know." We both answered him and laughed.

Rachel grinned at us, madly, shaking her head.

"I just…I…my little sister is getting married and…a baby, Jess…" she shut her eyes and sighed, but not in the angry way our father had. "I can't believe it Jess."

I beamed and Benji kissed my forehead.

"Benji!" Josh called.
"I gotta get going now, babe." He said, hugging my body. "You gonna be okay?"

I nodded.

"If anything happens, just call me, ok?" He told me and kissed me again. "Ok, bye. Nice meeting you, Rachel."

He headed for the door. "C'mon Joel! Hurry your ass up!"

Joel appeared seconds later with a black cap tilted to the side, smelling like musk. He gave Rach and I a double take, but grinned and followed Benji out the door.

"He's fucking HOT. I mean, I've seen the pictures, but…goddamn." She exclaimed after they were out of sight. "And he's so sweet, J."
"I know." I smiled forgetting about my dad. "I got one of the good ones."
"Hell yeah. Does he have a brother?"

I laughed.
***
I tried to remain calm for Jessa's sake, but I couldn't stand it. How could he treat his daughter like that? I understand he cares about her, but so do I. What was wrong with him? So he doesn't like me…doesn't he see Jessa's happiness? And attacking my mother. That was too far. I didn't wanna see that man in my brother's home. I didn't want to see his face at our wedding.

For all I knew he'd be the one to not hold his peace.

"Benj, come on! Be happy, you're getting married dude!" Tony grinned at me across the table.

"Yeah I know." I smiled a little, for all his insincerity's and tactlessness, Tony was right about one thing. I gotta be happy. I gotta have a good time. Just once. I mean, I was always that guy who was moping in the corner.

"I mean, you do realize your little wifey is hot as fuck right?" Tony stared me in the eye.
"Yeah, Benj, I gotta admit…" Josh took a quick sip then nodded.
"Whoa, Josh not you too."

He shrugged.

"C'mon Benj, you saw the new Rolling Stone." Joel sipped his beer.

Jessa was on the cover of the current issue. A close up of her, winking seductively at every teenage boy and half-grown man with access to a news stand. Inside was a short article and a 5 page spread of her wearing men's clothing. I didn't tell her, but I hated it. She was mine and all these men were ogling her.

"It's all about her in the football jersey." Chris mentioned.
"OH yeah." Billy uncharacteristically shouted.
"That's enough, we're talking about my bride to be, here." I held up my hands.
"Well I think we've all done pretty well." Joel sighed.
"Yeah." Josh smirked. "Benji's got the brunette bombshell. You," he pointed to Joel. "Got Alex and she's just like…whoa. And then Lilly…I mean I remember her in high school, I mean I was in high school and she was in junior high, but damn. She still look like that Paul?"

He shut his eyes and nodded, with a huge grin on his face.

"Oh, but you ain't met Ren." Tony smiled.
"Your girl?"

Tony pulled out his wallet and presented Josh with a picture of Renee. His eyes went wide and he pouted his lip out like Joel.

"Holy fuck, what'd you losers do to get chicks like that? I shoulda started a fucking band."

We all laughed. This really was gonna be the last time we were all together like this. We were all growing up. It was like the end of an era. A whole new one was starting. Wives, babies, two-car garages.

"So, Benj, the real question is the in-laws." Josh raised his eyebrows.
"What's to say, my father-in-law is a dick."
"Wouldn't you be a dick to the dude nailing your daughter?" Billy always ended up sounding so reasonable. "Ten bucks says he doesn't really hate you."
"I dunno, Ren's dad doesn't like me."
"But your Tony!" Joel joked and endured a barrage of beer nuts.
"Lilly's dad didn't like me until…well I'm not sure he likes me." Paul thought about it.
"I got you all beat." Josh stood up. "Maura's dad gave me a black eye."
"Before or after she divorced you?" Joel was not making himself Mr. Popular.
"Shut up, Joely Moley." Josh pouted.
"Make me, Joshie." Joel taunted.
"Buttmunch."
"S-…buh.." Joel struggled with a good comeback. "Slimebucket."
"So scared now, Joely."
"As Kodak-y as this all is…I need a little bit of fun." Tony rolled his eyes.
"What'd you have in mind?" I leaned on my elbows.
"Heeeeyyyy, that sounds like a hard partying Benji I knew once upon a time."

I grinned. Why couldn't I have a good time? I deserved it.
***
It's not like Josh or Joel were discreet on their way back in the house. They were both incredibly drunk. Stumbling over furniture and laughing. I waited to hear Benji shush them. he didn't.

I got up off the couch in the den where I was sleeping to greet them.

"Shhhhhh." Joel spit as he put his finger to his lips. Josh chuckled. Benji wasn't with them.

"Where's Benj?" I asked.
"I dunno." Josh looked behind him. "Don't you worry your pregnant little head about it. He'll come back. He's a good puppy."

I furrowed my eyebrows.

"He's not with you??"
"Quit being a bitch, Jess, he's a grown man." Joel groaned.

I could've slapped him. How could they just leave him behind?

"He's with Tony and Chris." Josh suddenly remembered.
"Then go get him, it's almost 2!" I yelled.

Joel and Josh groaned, but both went out the door. I could hear them out the door.

"Benji, where are you? Here boy! Come on!"
One of them whistled. "Benji, come on. Here boy, come on home."

They weren't going to get anywhere, they were too sloshed. What the hell was the matter with Benji?
***
I smiled at the waitress. She was cute. Young too. She kept winking at me and making me think the wrong things. I had a pregnant fiancée back home. I couldn’t be hooking up with hot waitresses in dives.

"Ok, ok, One more." Tony held up his glass for his 4th or 5th toast. "To Benji, may he get laid at least twice a week!"
"Here, here." We all held up our glasses. I had just straight coke, but I could smell their drinks and I wanted one badly. Just a beer, just one drink to make me feel…loose. Feel included, everybody else was drinking something. One drink wasn't gonna hurt me.

"I'm gonna take a piss." I stood up, my mind on the bar, on rum and coke, Jack and coke, vodka tonic, Seagram's and 7UP. I knew Josh and Joel wouldn't understand. Neither would anybody else. I'd just casually get something, drink it and go back to my cokes. Nobody has to know. Everything'd be cool.

"Hey." I winked at the cute waitress, who was now behind the counter.
"Hi, what can I do ya for?"
"I'll have…a…uh…" Only one drink. What would it be? "Jack and Coke, lots of ice."
"Sure, handsome." She smiled at me. Oh, if I were a single man.

She came back with the icy glass promptly. She smiled at me again. I thanked her and took a nice long drink before I headed back to the table. It tasted better than I remembered.

I was already feeling a little bit better. I felt…good. Life had become such a fucking chore. This, being with my boys, having a drink. It felt good. It felt REALLY good. I could go numb and not think about Jessa's dad tormenting her or think about all the impending life alterations coming. Ignorance is such bliss.

No one seemed to suspect my coke had turned into a Jack and coke, so faked a heavy bladder and got another one. I was starting to get buzzed. Being sober had turned me into a lightweight. But I wasn't trying to get drunk, just a nice little buzz.

Joel was hammered. I could tell by the goofy smile that clung to his face and his new cocky attitude he used on all the cute waitresses who didn't seem to stop coming to our table. They all looked really good, but I was a good boy. Why would I want them when I've got Jessa? Guys all over the planet want my Jessa and I have her. I'm the only one who gets to see her naked, that gets to fuck her.

"OMIGOD." A sugary voice buzzed in my ear. "Omigawd, you're Benji, from Good Charlotte."
"Hey." I waved.
"Omigod, you are SO HOT."

I laughed.

"You ladies wanna hang out?" Tony grinned at her and her 2 friends.
"YEAH!" they all chorused.
"Tone, I don't think…"
"Hey, I'm their older brother, Josh." He cut me off leading the blonde one to his lap.

The one who noticed me sat down next to me and bit her lip.

"I hear you like brunettes."
"Yup." I tried my best not to look at her. These girls were gonna get me into trouble I didn't want to be in. I took a long drink.
"Is it true you're getting married?"
"In a couple of days." I didn't make eye contact. She was the same size and shape of Jessa, sans a pregnant belly. It might sound weird, but I liked her pregnant belly. She looked so cute all the time.

"To that one girl right, the one your in all the pictures with."
"Yeah." She was the best accessory on a red carpet. I actual looked good next to her.
"Oh, cause…I thought, maybe." She bit her lip again.

Before she could finish I looked her in the eye.

"Look, I'm not interested. Why don't you go somewhere else and not embarrass yourself." I drank my cocktail 'til it was gone. I think I needed a beer.
***
I heard the door of the gate house open an hour and a half later. Benji slipped quietly into the room and I remained motionless on the bed. Pretending to be asleep. Benji opened a dresser drawer and shut it again soon after. He got on the bed and crawled up to the head.

"Ah, sweet little one." I heard him and grinned to myself. Momentarily forgetting my anger. He gently rested his lips on my forehead. And I could smell the alcohol on his breath. The smell was strong, menthol-like and organic.

"Benj?" I was so hurt and confused. He'd been drinking?
"Hey, you're awake."
"Benji, you…you were drinking?"
"Just a little bit…not a lot." He answered nonchalantly.
"How…Benj, how could you do something like that?" It was hurting the more he acted as if nothing bad had happened.
"They all had drinks. I just…I dunno wanted to unwind a little bit, Jess."
"But Benji…" I sat up in bed.

"What? It was like 2 drinks. It was nothing."
"Benji." I sighed more hurt than ever. "It's not nothing baby. You turn 2 drinks into 4 drinks into 8 drinks. It makes you want more. The more you think of it as nothing the more casual it becomes to you. drinking is NOT something casual for you. it's serious Benj. You're fucking with our future."

I didn't want to be mean to him. I didn't want to scold him like a child, but I couldn't help it. he'd been twice as good since what happened almost 2 years ago. I'd stopped drinking because of him. I felt so hurt that it was just an empty decision. That Benji acted like a sheep.

"What did you drink?" I asked.
"A couple Jack and cokes, and a Smirnoff."

I was getting really angry. I could just picture him with Tony and all of those retards, drinking, joking, laughing, flirting with every single piece of ass in the room.

"Did you get your dick sucked by a whore too?" I crossed my arms.
"Jessa!"
"I'm serious Benj. Have a good time at your little party?" I asked, coldly. "I bet you had a great time, with a bunch of sluts and liquor, real debauchery, huh? Bet you didn't think about your stupid pregnant girlfriend at home."
"Jessa, it wasn't like that."
"No I'm sure, it wasn't. You and Tony were total angel's right? I should've known when Josh and Joel came home plastered."
"Jessa!" He sounded angry. "I would never do that to you. There were girls, they tried to get in my pants, but I didn't let them Jessa. You're the only one I want in there. I would never fuck some chick I met in a bar."
"OH really! What about ME!?" I yelled and stormed out of the bedroom and into the living room.
***
Shit! She was right. I followed her out into the living room.

"Jessa baby."
"Don't baby me!" she griped. "I'm just another chick from some bar."
"Jessa, you know you're not, stop it." I sat next to her on the couch. "I love you, you know this. Why are you acting like this?"

Her eyes narrowed.

"Benjamin Levi Madden!" She was middle-naming me? "Who do you think you are? Staying out all night, drinking partying and God-knows what else. Then you crawl into bed with me and pretend nothing happened. That drinking anything PERIOD was okay. It's not okay. It's NEVER okay."
"Jess…" I sighed.
"And I don't care what you say. Some random ho comes up to you in a bar when your drunk, big tits, nice ass and your going to sit there and tell me you don't take her up on her offer? That you don’t greet her with a standing ovation?"
"Who do you think I am?" I was angry now. "That I enjoy random women wanting to screw me?"
"No, doesn't sound like something you'd be into." She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms across her belly.
"Jessa! Fuck, that's disgusting. I don't do that. I would never do that." I sighed. "When I was sitting there and those whores were telling me that they wanted me, do you know what I did?"
"Un-zip your pants and shove your dick in their mouth?"
"No. I ignored them, Jessa. I thought about you." I touched her cheek and she fought me away. "Baby, how could you think I'd ever want anybody else?"

She looked me in the eye. Tears beginning to spill out of her large eyes.

"Cause I'm all pregnant and fat and disgusting."
"Jessa Marie Casablancas!" I shouted at her, hey she did it to me. "How could you be? You are the most beautiful creature on the face of the planet AND you're fucking HOT! Pregnant and all."

She blushed and looked at her feet.

"Benj…" She looked up at me.
"Jess, I love you."
"Benji, stop. Stop trying to appease the situation. So maybe I over-reacted about the girls. I know you wouldn't cheat on me. But the drinking Benj…I…I'm so disappointed in you. You promised me, PROMISED me that you wouldn't."

She stood up and I hung my head like a guilty child.

"How am I supposed to trust you?"
"Jessa, I'm human I make mistakes."
"Yes." She nodded. "You make a lot of them."
"But not you. I didn't make a mistake with you. Or with this." I leaned against her stomach and rubbed my hand against it.

"Benji." She sighed sadly. "Benji, I don't want you in my bed tonight."
"Jessa?!" I looked up at her.
"Out." She turned her back on me and went back into the bedroom, closing the door behind her and turning the lock.

Part 2
I had the best dream about Jessa. We got married in my dream. It wasn't scary or weird or anything. I woke up feeling all warm, even though I was on the couch, alone. The only thing out of the ordinary in the dream was that I didn't get to kiss the bride. Jessa laughed and kissed my forehead and called me silly, instead.

She was probably still a little mad about last night so I decided not to bug her. I went to the house instead. I was starving. I felt like I hadn't eaten in weeks.

Lulu, Jessa's niece, who I guess was my niece as well, was seated by herself at Joel's big dining room table. She swung her legs back and forth under the table and stared at a her folded hands in front of her. What a strange little kid.

"Hey morning, Lulu."
"Are you Benji?"
"Yup." I nodded. "I guess I'm your Uncle Benji."

Uncle Benji, I liked the sound of that.

"So are you hungry?"

She nodded vigorously. Joel's cupboard was full of grown-upy type cereal and bagels. I knew he had to have something sweet around here somewhere, Joel loves sugary cereal. I successfully found Fruity Pebbles disguised as All Bran Flakes. I turned around to find Lulu climbing on the counter to reach a basket of grapefruit.

"Hey, hey." I grabbed her tiny frame and pulled her off the counter before she fell and cracked her head on the tile. "You like grapefruit?" I asked puzzled.
"Not really, but Mommy likes me to eat fruit in the morning."
"Well I'm not Mommy, I'm Uncle Benji and I say we're eating Fruity Pebbles." I confirmed. "It's fruit-like."

I took out two bowls and spoons and poured us each a generous bowl. Her eyes lit up, the exact color of Jessa's, at the sight of the brightly colored pebbles filling her bowl.

"All mine?" she gasped. I nodded. "Mommy NEVER let's me eat this much."
"Your momma needs to let you be a kid." I poured milk into her bowl and then mine.

We munched away, fully focused on eating and nothing else. I heard a yawn as a figure appeared in sweat pants and a Redskins jersey. It was Josh, I was surprised he could wake up after how hammered he was last night.

"Hey, little bro." He croaked. "Who's your little girlfriend? You didn't bring her home did you? I thought Joel was R.Kelly."
"This is my niece, Lu."
"Hey, Pebbles!" he shouted, disregarding whatever I was saying.

He served himself and began crunching away. It was the only sound in the sleeping house. Josh sounded like a cow, the way his lips smacked together. Before I could make a rude little brother remark, Lulu opened her mouth. She politely set her spoon down first.

"Can you please chew with your mouth closed, Uncle Benji's big brother? It's disgusting." She picked up her spoon again and resumed eating.

I laughed.

"Morning!" Sarah walked in sounding cheery. She had always been a morning person. She was even dressed. Josh groaned and I gave her a nod since my mouth was full. "Mornin' Lu—PEBBLES!"

She eagerly found a bowl and filled it to the top with multicolored sugar bits. Sarah LOVED cereal. She used to cry if mom made something for breakfast. Her and Joel used to fight over the last bowl. That lasted until we were out of the house.

Lulu finished before me and I helped her into the kitchen with her empty bowl. I lifted her up so she was tall enough for the sink and let her rinse her dirty bowl.

"THOSE ARE MINE!" I heard Joel shout. Lulu and I came back in just in time to see Joel hugging the box to his body. Alex was behind him, she rolled her eyes at her husband.
"He's selfish" Lulu whispered to me.

I nodded and set her back on the floor.

"Knock it off, Joely, we'll buy you some more." Sarah griped and shoved a spoonful into her mouth. My little sister was a pig when it came to cereal.

Rachel stumbled in looking like hell. She and Joel matched actually. She walked like she had a bad hangover. She limped around the table and kissed her daughter's forehead.

"Morning sweetie." She sounded like an old man. "Did you eat?"
"Yes, I had oranges and toast and some milk." Lulu was an EXCELLENT liar.
"Good." She half smiled. "Where's Jessa?"
"Still in bed." I answered quickly.

"Oh, just look at my family." Momma came in followed by Jessa, each one carrying a pink box in their arms. Mmm, doughnuts.

"Mornin' Momma." Josh, Joel, Sarah, and I all chorused.
"Look how cute they all are." Jessa smiled.
"How come you guys never did that?" Jessa's mom was behind her with yet another box of doughnuts.
"Morning mom." Rachel's voice was evening out as she gave her mom a kiss on the cheek. "Can I have a doughnut?"

The three women set the boxes down on the counter and the whole lot of us attacked them. Josh inhaled 2 doughnuts. Rachel chomped down on one and allowed Lulu a half of a plain one. I gave her a whole sprinkled one and reached for the one and only bearclaw, but was met halfway with Jessa's dad, who had appeared out of nowhere. I didn't argue and pretended I was reaching for the twist instead.

Jessa was leaning on the counter with a old-fashioned chocolate. Focusing intently on the doughnut. Adoring every morsel. I smiled and walked over to her.

"Babe, we need to talk." I took her by the hand and led her away from our relatives.

We went out into the gate house, where could have some privacy. She cocked her head to the side, staring at me as she picked her doughnut.

"Jessa, I'm sorry about last night. I don't know what I was thinking." I shook my head while looking in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, baby, I know I let you down."

She set her doughnut on the table and just hugged me.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you." She murmured. "I didn't mean to, I was just so disappointed, Benj. I still am."
"I know. I'm gonna try harder this time. For you, for baby." I smiled at her and touched our child.

She wrapped her arms tighter around my middle and kissed me. I picked her up off her feet just slightly.

"Jess, you know I love you, right?"
"Of course I do baby, I never doubted it." She leaned her head on my shoulder, playing with my cross. "You’re my Benji."

I smiled and kissed her forehead.

"You're too good for me, Jess."
"Not too good, just right."
"You don’t think sometimes your dad's right…that I'm ruining your life?"
"Ruining it? Benj, you've made my life so much better."

She leaned up and kissed me again.

We heard a cough and saw her father standing in the doorway. I instinctively stepped away from Jessa. He had a way of making us feel like disobedient teenagers.

"Sorry to…interrupt…but…can I talk to my daughter?"

A part of me heard all the sincerity dripping from his voice, but another part of me felt protective of her, wanting to make myself a shield in front of her. Jessa tugged my sleeve and she nodded. I reluctantly left the room.
***
"Jessie…" my father sighed slumping into an armchair. "Jessa…"

He was unable to phrase his thoughts. He was almost confused.

"What do you want to talk about? Movies? Books? Korean war? Marriage?" I asked, hoping to get a smile.
"Marriage. Benji. Jessa, I came in here to talk to you seriously about how, how marrying him is going to effect your life." He looked at his hands.
"Look I understand you're my father, you're protective, but Benji...he's nothing to worry about."

"Jessa, not even 2 years ago he got drunk and beat you. He tried to rape you, but then he just said 'oh but I love you' and POOF everything's hunky dory? I'm not supposed to worry about him?" He cried.

"No, not 'POOF everything's hunky dory'. It took a helluva lot for me to trust him. Did you know I wouldn't let him touch me or kiss me or hug me or any of that stuff for 7 months? That I had nightmares about it? That HE has nightmares about it. Dad, it scares him more than it scares me sometimes." I explained. "You have no idea how guilty he feels about what happened."

"Jess…look I came in here to tell you and explain to you how much I disapprove, but then I caught you two just now." He paused for a minute. "Do you know how happy you look when you're with him?"

I smiled.

"Just now, when I saw you, everything just looked…so happy and sweet. He seems to really love you." He explained still looking at his hands. "Do you…do you really love him Jessa?"
"Yes. I love him with all my heart."
"Jessa…I just don't get it. First of all, you were never into those kinds of guys."
"What kinds of guys? The tattoos and the piercings? That's not who Benji is, those are his…accessories. They don't make him hard or mean or anything at all. Benji's a decent man. he has morals and values and faith. I know you can see that."
"But how has he made your life better?"

"Daddy…Benji's everything to me. He was my friend and my companion. He brought me out of my own abyss. Nothing that's happened to me in the past 3 years would have happened with out him. I'm so much happier and stronger and confident because of him. And now I'm getting everything I ever wanted. A husband, a family of my own."

"About that?" He finally looked up at me.
"Yes?"
"Jessie, why didn't you tell us? Why were you afraid?"
"Look how you react to his marrying me! Look how you reacted to Rachel! You practically disowned her. Besides…the last time I talked to you I was pregnant already and you were yelling at me."

"Jessa, he hurt you!" he shouted at me.
"I know that. He did hurt me, bad, but I'm okay now. I forgave him."
"Why??"
"Because I love him. I do. There's nothing you could say that will make me stop." I shut my eyes tight to keep my tears at bay. "I just wish you could be happy that I'm happy."

He sat back in his chair and rolled his head back. He sat thinking for a few long minutes. Finally he sighed and looked at me.

"Okay."
"Okay?" I asked.
"I will try and be supportive of your decisions, Jess."
"Will you make an effort with Benji?"
"Jess, that's asking a bit much."
"It's asking too much for you to apologize to him?"
"Jessa…" his voice rose, but he looked at my pouting face. "Fine…I'll apologize."

Part 3
"Jeeeeesssaaa" Benji called to me.
"Just a minute babe, I'm almost ready." I replied slipping my shoes on and shutting the clasp to my earrings at the same time.

"Jessa, we gotta get going." Benji leaned in the door frame, as I quickly applied lip gloss.
"I know, one more thing." I grabbed a bottle of spray gel and drizzled it all over my head.
"Jess! Everybody's leavin'!"
"Okay! I'm ready." I stood in front of him and grinned.

He gave me a quick kiss.

"Mmm, lipstick-y. Move your ass, Jess." He pushed me forward.

We were on our way to the rehearsal dinner. Which I didn't understand. There was no "rehearsal" we were just all eating and doing family type stuff. Are there people who actually rehearse? Why do you need to rehearse for a wedding? It's not like a film, where no rehearsals equals me screaming. How do you fuck up a wedding? You can't.

Benji insisted we have this dinner, but he wasn't into rehearsing. He said he wanted to able to share a dinner with our family. It was cute how badly he wanted all the bells and whistles. I just took it as an excuse to eat Italian food.

The restaurant was really nice. The perfect family setting. It was a big family owned Italian restaurant in west LA called DaVinci's. I loved everything about that place. They had the best food (especially lasagna), the cutest waiters, the friendliest management, and this great homey warm feeling. In fact when I was first getting to know Benji and the rest of the guys, we'd hang out here a lot. Benji and I had our first "date" here, even though Joel and Billy ended up tagging along.

Paul, Lilly, and Xander were waiting outside. Lilly was wearing a cute short pink dress and Paul and Xander looked adorable in their sweaters and Dickies. Xander handed me a dirty plastic car.

"Presents." He told me in his little baby voice.
"X wanted to give you a present." Paul explained, smiling at his son in his arms.
"Thanks, Xander." Benji mussed the kid's hair. "I've always wanted one of these."

Benji took the toy from me and began playing with it. I rolled my eyes. Benji was so goofy.

The familiar employees recognized us as we walked in, our enormous party trailing us. We had a room in the back reserved just for us. There was a great clamor of chairs as they were pulled away from the table and pushed in by respective mates. Paul had trouble getting Xander to sit in his booster chair and I saw Lulu scoff in his direction.

Chad and my remaining sisters arrived as we were getting seated and Renee and Tony came late, with huge "we've been naughty" grins. We ordered and introductions were made across the table.

"So, Lilly what do you do?" My mom asked (she asked everything…she did more talking than anybody else)
"I'm the managing editor of a satirical magazine." She nodded, bright eyed, handing her son some bread that he sucked on.
"Really?" My mom made an 'I'm fascinated' face, but I knew she wasn't.

The food arrived, keeping my mom from asking anymore retarded questions. Like asking Joel and Alex why they weren't married. Or asking Carly and Billy why they looked like extras from Night of the Living Dead. Or asking Chris why he didn't have hair. She used to interrogate my friends when I was a kid. So much so that they stopped coming over.

Other than my mother's need to be annoying, things were going well. Such a big happy family we were. It felt so warm and safe, being surrounded by the people I loved. Everyone was talking and laughing and having a great time.

I couldn't wait to have kids. Looking over at Xander with his face covered in tomato sauce and spaghetti. He used another toy car to mash into his plate. It toppled and spilled Lilly's wine all over her pale pink dress making it appear purple.

"Xan-der!" she shouted.
"Sawwy mommy." He pouted, looking more like Paul than ever.

She got up and headed to the bathroom. Picking up Xander under one arm and taking a cell phone from Paul with the other.

"Quit staring at her!" Amy scoffed at Chris.
"What?" he looked at her open mouthed.
"Like you weren't gawking at Lilly's boobs just now!"
"I wasn't!" he defended himself.

Great, this dinner was falling to pieces. What's gonna happen next?

"Ames, please…can we take this somewhere else?" Chris made a soft face.
"No, I'm tired of this." She threw her napkin down and stood up. She tossed her entire glass of champagne in Chris's face.

"I'm sorry Jessa." She said before she left the room. Chris followed her.

They left the room for several minutes and I worried. Never once had I seen them fight. Unlike Benji or I or even Paul or Lilly, neither Amy nor Chris were very temperamental. They were always so comfortable. But nothing's what it seems I guess.

Lilly returned saying she needed to take Xander to a sitter and change her dress and she'd be back in "before you can say spaghettios." So Benji shouted "spaghettios" before she left, earning a smirk from her. Chris came dripping back to his seat a few minutes after that. He looked like he'd been run over.

"Sorry, guys." Chris apologized. "We didn't mean to ruin anything."
"It's alright." Benji grinned. "I think we can understand."
"Chris, are you okay?" I asked, concerned.
"Don't worry about me." He frowned. It made my heart break. I'd never seen Chris frown in the whole time I’d known him.

"Hey!" Joel tapped his fork against his glass loudly. Joel looked pretty hammered.
"Joel stop it." Alex warned.
"Dude look," Joel looked at Chris across the table. "Sorry dude. Amy was a weird anyway."
"Joel!" Alex poked him in the ribs. Benji and I shook our heads.

Joel stood up making a big scene of it. It was very strange behavior for him. Two nights in a row drinking a bit too much. Not very Joel like. My father just stared at him. Great now he thought I was marrying into a nuthouse.

"Joel, sit down!" Alex tugged his arm.
"No…ya know." he slurred. "I think Benj and Jess deserve a song. So, being the good brother I am. I'm gonna make one up."
"Joel!" Alex's tone became even more desperate.

Joel stood away from his chair and put his hand to his mouth to start beatboxing.

"What, uh, yeah, tikky tikky, come on." He moved his hands around. "What! This is for Benji and….Jessa. Yeah."

I felt so embarrassed for him. For Alex. For my whole family. I had no idea Joel would turn out to be that drunk uncle.

"I remember when/I was still young/I went out with my brother/so we could have some fun/He met this real hot girl/her name was Jessa/He fell in love with her/ and made a big messa"

Benji covered his face with his hands. My sister's giggled and my father continued glaring. His mother tried to block her son from view. Joel continued.

"But everything's alright/everything's real good/I was out makin me some moneys/while Benji and Jess fuck like bunnies"

Joel actually made pelvic thrusts and his mother closed her eyes and crossed herself. Alex rolled her eyes angrily.

"I gots me the hunnies/and they/ WHAT! Tikky tikky/they fuck like bunnies/I'm making me some monies/and they fuck like bunnies/the skies are all sunnies/cause they fuck like BUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNIIIIEEEESSS!"

He closed his eyes and sang the last "bunnies." Alex tackled him after that and dragged him away, Joel screaming.

"I was getting my flow on woman."
"You'll get your flow on over here." Alex snapped.
"We gonna hump in the car?"
"NO!"
"The bathroom!?"

Benji shook his head again. "I can't believe he did that."
"What's up with him?" Billy asked.
"Joely's having some fun." Tony held up his glass.
"But it's not very Joely." Paul pointed out.
"Can we NOT talk about it." Benji announced, looking at his mother's embarrassed face.

We tried returning to normal, but my father looked really uncomfortable. When Lilly returned she was wearing a very cute and sexy black dress and a very perplexed look.

"Did you know Joel's puking spaghetti in the parking lot?"
***
I was getting married tomorrow. Tomorrow! It was…exciting. Knowing that tomorrow I’d be Benji's wife. No longer his girlfriend, or fiancée, or gal pal (as reported in BOP), but his wife, his esposa, his old lady, his spouse, his little woman, Missus Madden, that was me.

I'd been a long day of last minute details. It was almost stress inducing. But all was well now. I forced myself to think only of all the good things happening. Let all the stress seep in after the wedding was over. I'd been thinking about nothing but tomorrow for the past two hours since we got home. I was staying in one of the bedrooms upstairs, Benji was staying in the gate house. It was part of the whole 'not seeing the bride before the wedding.' I finished changing out of my dressy clothes and patted my bulging stomach.

"'Night Baby."

As soon as I laid down and got comfortable someone came into the room. It was Benji, I could see his piercings glimmering in the moonlight. I pulled the comforter over my head.

"Benji, you promised." I whined.
"I know but I can't sleep." He tried to pull the covers off.
"No Benji, you promised. I want this to be right. I mean it might not be right for me to wear white, but we can pull off some of the rules." I explained from behind the covers.
"Jessa." Even though I couldn't see his face I knew he was pouting the way only Benji could.

I sighed. "Lie down."

Benji must've grinned as he jumped onto the empty spot next to me. I kept my back to him and dropped the covers, it was hard to breathe under there.

"Don't turn and look at me Benji."
"Scout's honor." He replied.
"You were never a scout." I rolled my eyes.
"Well, Benji's honor then."

I laughed.

"Baby." He started. "Are you nervous?"
"About tomorrow?"
"About tomorrow and the next day, and the next day. About everyday for the rest of our lives."
"Not really nervous, but…I dunno, nervous I guess, excited, anxious."
"Yeah, anxious." I could feel him nod in agreement. "I've been thinking."
"I told you not to do that." I had to add.

Benji laughed.

"Well I've been thinking anyway. About us. About our future."
"And?"
"And I haven't gotten anywhere." He lamented.
"What do you mean?"
"I've been trying to explain it to myself. Trying to explain how and why and I'm no closer to that answer than I was 3 years ago. It's making this whole vows thing really hard."
"Oh, so that's what this is about." I grinned. "Baby, you don't have to do anything fancy. I was thinking of 'Benji, fill in the blank, peace, Jessa.' What do you think?"
"Not 'Love, Jessa'?"
"I gotta keep my options open."

Benji laughed again.

"How about 'I've seen London, I've seen France, I've seen Jessa's underpants, I Do'?"
"Damn Benj, you're soooo romantic." I said sarcastically.
"You know you like it."
"I'd love to see your mother's face if you said that."
"I'd love to see your mother's!" Benji exclaimed.
"But really Benji, no matter what you say, it'll be good and I'll love it and both our moms will cry."
"Hmm." Benji seemed to be thinking.

"Have you written your's yet?" he asked.
"No."
"Jess!"
"Well I have an idea. You haven't written your's either, don't get on my case." I said defensively.
"If one of us doesn't write something it's gonna be a really lame wedding." Benji laughed.
"Why don't you write something and I'll copy it?" I joked.
"Why don't we just write them together?"
"No, Benji, I don't wanna put words in your mouth. I want to know what you promise me."
"I promise to love you until the day that I die."

That sent chills up my spine. I shut my eyes and let his words take effect.

"How's the baby?"
"Ok. Sleeping inside me…isn't that the line from the Godfather?" I smiled to myself.
"It's YOUR favorite movie, Jess."
"Second favorite. Labyrinth is number one."

We lied there in secret bliss for a few seconds.

"I wanna kiss you." Benji pleaded.
"Too bad, Benj. No peeking."
"We'll kept our eyes closed."

I smiled.

"Shut your eyes." I told him, doing so myself.

We both turned around to face each other. Benji reached out his hand and touched my face. Feeling around my face to find my mouth. His fingers brushed my lips and flicked my tongue out to lick them. I sucked just slightly and Benji slipped his fingertips down my face in order to grab my chin. He pulled my face close to his and our lips briefly met.

"The next time I see you're gonna walk down that aisle and be mine."
"Like light at the end of a tunnel." I asked softly.

He kissed me again more firmly.

"Like light at the end of the tunnel." He whispered and got off of the bed.
***
I sighed to myself. Could this really be it? Could I really be nearly married? I kept thinking there was gonna be some huge catastrophe around the corner. That this was all a dream.

The light was still on in the gate house where I was staying. Thank God for Joel and his giant house.

I went inside and yawned.

"What did I expect? You got the same way on Christmas Eve." I opened my eyes and saw my mom standing a few feet away from me.

I grinned.

"What way?"
"Antsy. You just had to shake the presents up, maybe tear a corner of the paper." She explained. "I know you were with Jessa, honey."
"We didn't…didn't…Mom, you have to believe me."

She just shook her head and smiled.

"Benji, I know you're not. Sweetheart, I don't care. Don't think your mom looks at the world through rose colored glasses. I know, I know what you do with Jessa. I know what you're brother does with Alex. I wasn't naive enough to think my boys, who are grown men," she said that bit like it overwhelmed her. "Don't…haven't…that you were still virgins. "

I blushed and looked at the floor anyway. The word "Duh" sprang to mind. We always promised her, but we broke that promise the first time we left home. It seemed easy enough at the time, as I had been a virgin and any girls I'd tried to do it with had ran away. "Ewwwwww, Benji."

"Benjamin." She just stared at me for a beat. "Look at you. All grown up. I remember when you were born. I was so tired. I don't know what you two were doing in there, but I'd had enough."

She laughed.

"Wrecking havoc, punks from the womb." I joked and she laughed again.

"And you started it, I know you did."
"It was Joel, Mom, I swear." I crossed my heart with my index finger.
"Benji," she laughed. "I was scared, two babies, your brother was bad enough. But then you came. All red and pink"
"I bet I looked disgusting."
"You looked beautiful. You were perfect. I wanted to just hold you and never let you go…" she hugged herself.

I couldn't help but think about my little baby upstairs. Growing strong inside Jessa. Tiny little life I helped create.

"Momma," I stared at her. Deciding that I would tell her. "Momma, I'm scared to be a father." I whispered.
"Oh Benjamin." She hugged me.
"What if I mess up? I mean I know I gotta be strong for Jessa and everything, but I'm more scared than she is."
"Don't be. Everything's gonna turn out great. I just know it." she assured me. "Baby, you are going to be a great father. You know why?"

I shook my head innocently, like a child.

"Because you've seen the bad side. You know what it's like not really having a dad. And you're better than him. You all are, you always were. It's like God took any of the good qualities he ever had and gave them to you. And you have a lot of help and a perfect partner."

I grinned.

"Jessa is amazing. She's everything you ever needed. You're happier than you've ever been. You were always my little grumpy bear. Now, look at you. A night away from being married. I remember the night before I got married. I was soooo scared. I thought was going to throw up."
"I am nervous, Momma." I bit my lip and played with my lip ring.

She smiled again.

"Oh my Benjamin. You've always been so shy. You've always doubted yourself." She hugged me again. "Everything's gonna turn out wonderful. Don't be so nervous."

"After you Joel's the only one left and I'm sure he's gonna get serious about Alex really soon. Bless him, he's such an eager heart. He's almost innocent."

I smiled a private smile. Momma, still didn't know they were married did she?
***
Blue gray light fell across the floor and for a second I thought Benji was coming back in.

"Are you awake?" Joel sat on the edge of the bed.
"No." I mumbled and pulled the covers over me. I needed to get some sleep if I was getting married tomorrow.

Joel laughed and lied down in the empty space beside me, where Benji would have slept.

"I'm sorry about tonight." He began in that shy Joel way.
"Don’t be, it was funny and cute in a dorky Joel way."
"Look, my wife told me to apologize, so I'm apologizing."
"Alright, What's up?" I asked.
"Nothing."
"Then why'd you come in here?" I could sense a Lifetime movie of the week moment coming on but I really wanted to go to sleep. Joel could tell me all about his feeling compelled to become a woman later.

"Jess…" He rolled onto his back and looked at the ceiling. "I wanted to ask you something."
"Okay, shoot." I kept my eyes closed.
"How did you know?"
"Know what?"

Joel shifted again and looked me square in the eye.

"How did you KNOW?" he emphasized.
"That I love Benji?"
"That he was the one? That you'd be with him forever?"
I shrugged. "I didn't."
"What do you mean you didn't?" Joel was confused.
"I didn't know. I don't know. I think that's it. I don't know what's gonna happen and I'm okay with that. I think that's what it is." I realized.
Joel nodded. "Like it doesn't really matter what happens as long as it's the two of you?"
"Yeah."

Joel sighed and played with the pillow sham.

"Is this about Alex?" I questioned.
"I'm scared, Jess."
"Scared of what?"
"I'm scared because I'm in love with Alex."
"Awww, Joel that's nothing to be scared of." I comforted him, but I was confused.
"Well, it scares me because I love her so much. And I married her and everything, but what if she runs away again?"

"Joel…" I sighed. "Love…is about faith. You have to have faith in Alex that she loves you just as much. Have faith that she has faith in you. Alex seems so hard on the surface, but you and I know she's a kitten. She'll crumble like a cookie and she needs you. It's so cliché, but you gotta be the man. Don't let her get all Alex on ya. You can't both fall to pieces AND you can't rely on drinking, Joel."
"I know, I just…" He began to defend himself. Joel knew I had him caught.
"I mean it Joel, if I ever see you getting drunk off your ass like that again I'll personally kick your ass." I was dead serious. "You're going to be a father man…straighten up!"

Joel laughed.

"What?" I asked.
"You are SO someone's mom." He laughed again. "Benji get it this bad?"
"Worse…he gets spanked."
"Hey, I liked to get spanked." Joel's eyebrows bobbed.
"I'm almost your sister-in-law, you sick fuck." I pushed him away laughing. "Now, go get in bed with your wife and let the bride get some sleep."
"Cause we know you won't be getting any sleep tomorrow night." Joel bounced on the bed and smacked his hands together and sang. "You fuck like bunnies."
"Joel you're sick." I shook my head as he got off the bed laughing.

"Alright, 'night Jess." He gave me a peck on the cheek. "And I know this sounds stupid, but you better take care of my brother."
"Oh believe me I will."

Part 4
The alarm clock blared. Who set the alarm clock? Something told me Alex, but it may have been my mother. Although I doubt my mom wanted me to marry Benji after Joel's song and dance last night. It was funny and that "fuck like bunnies" was stuck in my head, but it was quite disturbing to someone unfamiliar with Joel. I'm surprised they didn't walk out.

The sky seemed unusually bright for November 12th, but one look outside told me something was wrong…clouds, clouds, rain clouds. It can't rain on my parade, that's not fair.

It was 10 in the morning. I was tired. I wished I could have coffee. Yummy hot delicious coffee. To wake me up and hug my insides. What could I have? Juice? Water? Milk? Fuck that. I would pee, first, considering my bladder was killing me, and then I would figure out the rest of my day.

While emptying my bladder the rest of my day was figure out for me when I heard voices down stairs and my two youngest sisters and Renee impeded on me. Lauryn hummed "here comes the bride" while Adriana and Renee played with my messy slept on hair.

I stood up and flushed and batted all their hands away.

"Stop it. it's 10 o'clock in the morning!"
"Jessa, you're getting married this afternoon." Adriana explained.
"I know that. But I just woke up, can I have breakfast before you all start poking at me."
"Ooh, you're not in a good mood." Renee pointed out.
"I was going PEE!" I yelled at all of them and went back into the bedroom.

My sisters stared at me. Zoe came in a few seconds later with her big pink make up kit. She worked part time in a salon and she was going to help me with my hair and make up. I screamed and threw myself backwards onto the bed, burying my face into the light green comforter.

"What did I do?" Zoe bit her lip and shrugged.
"Out! All of you." I heard Rachel shoo them all and shut the door. I felt her weight on the bed.

"C'mere baby sister."

I sat up and hugged her. Noticing the little wooden tray in her lap. Pancakes, sausage, orange juice, toast and a fried egg on top. I hugged her again.

"Calm down, relax and eat." She ordered.

I set the tray in my lap and began nibbling away.

"Have the flower people called?"
"Not yet. But they dropped off the dresses 15 minutes ago."
"Good." I took a long gulp of juice. "Who's downstairs?"
"Everyone. The sisters got here 5 minutes ago, with Renee. Mom and dad are having breakfast with Benji's mom. And the guys are helping Joel in the backyard."
"The guys?"
"Yeah, the fat one, the bald one, the other one and Josh."
"Where's Benji?"
"Just eat, would you?"

Something in her tone scared me. Like she was avoiding the question.

"Where's Benji?" I asked again, beginning to feel sick.
"Sleeping in? Don't worry he didn't run away. We decided to let you two have a bit of a lie in. The boys will wake him up in a few minutes, I'm sure."

There was a light knock on the door.

"J?" I recognized Chad's voice.

Rachel made a face that said she was going to get rid of him.

"I brought you hot chocolate from Starbucks." He added.

Sure, it wasn't coffee but a hot substance in one of those green and white cups with a little brown sleeve was all the illusion I needed. I opened the door and took my "coffee" from him and took a long inviting sip. I gave him a hug as an afterthought.

"Thank you, Chad."
"No problem. Benji said you're not supposed to have coffee and stuff and Aid sent me on a coffee run, but I mean I didn't want to leave you out or nothing." He was a sweet older brother type person.
"You always do my sister's bidding?" I asked.
"I had 3 of 'em breathing down my neck." His eyes widened.

"WHAT THE FUCK? I'M GETTING MARRIED TODAY AND YOU DON'T WAKE ME UP??!!??" We were interrupted by Benji yelling from the gate house.

Looks like Benji was playing the role of frantic bride today.
***
I had never been this nervous before. I spilled my Starbucks on myself. I took 30 minutes in the shower and spent forever on my short dark hair. Cash sighed from the floor as I laid my clothes on the bed, arranging and rearranging them. Shoes, socks, shirt, jacket, tie, cufflinks, sunglasses. I felt like I was forgetting something. I had to be.

My heart was pumping really fast. I could hardly breathe.

"Hey, nervous?" Joel asked grinning and slapping my shoulder.

I glared and breathed in sharply.

"Oh," He softened as he sat on the edge of my bed. "I guess you are. Sorry. Chill out. Everything is all good."
"Is it still raining?" I asked arranging my shirt within the jacket sleeves.
"It was barely sprinkling and no. Alex says it's good luck or something if it rains on your wedding day." He rubbed Cash's head.
"But it's outside. We'll get all wet."
"I thought you liked the rain, Benj."
"Yeah…" I felt like I was shaking.
"Dude, stop worrying, everything's gonna be fine. Really really fine."
"Joel, do you have any beer?"
"Benji!" He reacted accordingly.
"Nevermind." I shook my head.
"Benji…you haven't been drinking have you? Benji…"
"Save it, Joel."
"But Benj…"
"Save it!!"

"HEY!" Josh came in and threw an arm around my shoulder. "Not dressed yet? Gonna back out?"
"Hell no."
"What!? Just stay boyfriend-girlfriend. They always make great girlfriends. As soon as they're your wife it's one disaster after the next and no matter what it's always your problem too cause you're HER husband."
"Look, I know you got divorced Josh, but I WANT to be married to Jessa. It's not enough just to sleep in the same bed or have kids with her." I fiddled with my necklace.
"You're really insecure little brother."
"No, I'm traditional and in love so quit raining on my parade motherfucker."
"Fair enough." He grinned. "Florist called."
"What?" I said worriedly.
"Nothing just saying that they'd be here in a while, unless the rain gets serious." He answered nonchalantly. "Hey, what's Jessa's sister's name?"
"Which one?" Joel made a face.
"That hot one."
"Which one?" Joel repeated and grinned. "They all look the same."
"The one with that weird little girl."
"That's Rachel." I answered. "And Lu's cool."
"She's creepy, she's all quiet and well behaved." Josh shook his head.
"Naw, she's an actress." I smiled. I wanted a daughter like Lu. "A great actress."
***
"Lulu could you please just stay in this room?" Rachel yelled at my niece.
"I wanna watch TV, please?"
"Lulu, you know you aren't allowed…"
"Uncle Benji let me."

I smiled. Uncle Benji. I could imagine he loved that.

"Rach let her watch TV. It's not going to corrupt her anymore than it did you." I smirked. I mussed Lulu's curls. "Is this boring kiddo?"
"The guys have Cheetos." Lulu grinned up at me.
"Well, you better make sure they wipe their hands on napkins, then."

Lulu ran down the stairs.

"TV, junk food." Rachel shook her head.
"Jesus, Rach, let her be a kid. She's 6-years-old and you treat her like she's a little old lady."
"Some one talking about me?" Momma came in with a grin reminiscent of Benji's. My mom was right behind her. "Baby, you aren't in your dress yet?"
"I was just about to." I motioned to the gorgeous dress hanging against the closet door.

They all looked at me intending to watch me transform into the pregnant swan bride. But my sisters and Renee and Alex had been all over me all morning. I felt like a moment to myself. Lord knows I won't get many.

"Um, can I…do this by myself?" I asked.
"Of course." My mom smiled and ushered my sisters out of the room. She whispered as she shut the door behind her "Just ask if you need help."

I stared at my dress. It was so…clean. Clean and white and fresh. I slipped it on and looked at myself in it. I felt like a little girl playing dress up. My sisters would come in and make up my face and then Rach would preside over the ceremony, marrying me to the dog or the fish or her hamster. I'd been married almost as much as Elizabeth Taylor. It was all make believe, right?

I sighed. I looked and felt beautiful. I was pristine and perfect. I felt like a mannequin, a pregnant mannequin. This was really happening wasn't it? I was really getting married. I was gonna be someone's wife. And not just any someone, Benji.

I walked a short distance to the red velvet jewelry box that used to belong to my Grama, she'd given it to my mom to give to me. I opened it and an envelope was sitting on top. I picked it up. It was plain with not a hint of a mark to say whom it was addressed, but I could feel the letter inside. I unfolded it and the tiny hint of Benji's smell rose through my nostrils. There were two pages of plain white paper folded into each other inside. I unfolded them and read.

Jessa, it began in Benji's strong masculine handwriting.

I don't know if I can put all these thoughts into words. I don't know if these are my vows but I needed to tell you, so that you never forget. And in case I screw up today. There have been a lot of times during this time I've spent with you when I wanted to leave. Not you, leave me. And every time I thought of leaving, I thought of you. Leaving me, meant leaving you because you are me. And leaving you is a pain I could never, in a million years, bear.
I do a lot of stupid things to hurt you and I suppose I'll continue doing them as long as you'll let me. It feels like a lifetime already since the first time I saw you. If I'd known then that I would lie to you, and make love to you, and kiss you, and hug you, and hit you, and bruise you from the inside out…I'd still have bought you a drink. I'd still have fallen in love with you.
I tried to stop myself from falling in love with you. I tried hard, because you were so good, you deserved so much, and I wasn't good enough. But I was powerless to stop myself. There was nothing I could do to stop it, because I already had. I never thought that I would fall in love. I thought I had once and I found out that wasn't love. But you're love Jessa. You're my love, my heart, my life. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that could take me away from you or make me stop loving you. I've never felt something so true in my whole life. I've never been more afraid and more excited. You make me feel invincible, even when I'm weak. You constantly show me that I'm the man you want. No matter what doubts I have about myself, you tell me and show me, that you love me the way I am. That you love me with all my faults. And when you say those words to me I fall in love, every time.
We may fight and argue. We might hurt each other with words and actions. But no matter what I love you. I'm telling you now, so that you understand it's true. But I'll tell you everyday so you will never forget. Don't ever forget that you ARE the woman of my dreams Jess. Don't forget that you're the only woman I could ever want. Don't forget that I've loved you with every last inch of myself and I'd give you more if I could. Don't forget that not only do you own my heart you ARE my heart.
Even if I don't say it, even if I mess up, even if I call you names. I love you. pure and simple as that, I love you.
We have a baby on the way. I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to say that. I was never sure that I could be a father and I'm about to find out, aren't I? I'm so grateful and happy and thankful to God for blessing my life with you, and for blessing the both of us with this baby. I'm proud to father your child Jess. I'm PROUD to call you the mother of my child.
I don't know what life has in store for us, Jess, but I can't wait to find out. I can't wait to take your hand and plunge in head first.
Together.
Always,
Benjamin

A small tear slid down my cheek. My whole body felt weak. That letter said it all. It said everything and more. Any doubting second I'd ever felt about Benji had completely disappeared and I don't think they would ever come back.

There was a tiny click as the bedroom door opened and my mom came inside. I barely glanced at her, unable to speak or move.

"Are you okay Jessa?" she asked concerned.
"I love him." I murmured.
"No crying yet. You haven't even got your make up on. Let me zip you up." She directed.

"No," I shook my head tears flying all directions. I pushed past her and past my sisters in the hallway, letter still in hand. I had to find Benji. I had to find my husband.
***
"Is the florist here yet?" I asked bouncing on the balls of my feet. I was getting really anxious.
"Calm down, Benj." Joel started to finish my tie for me but he was knocked out of the way. By Jessa?

Everything happened so fast I couldn't react. Jessa had her arms wrapped around me so tightly I couldn't move my arms to wrap them around her. When she did loosen slightly I noticed her dress was unzipped. Her tears made my shoulder all wet. She held a white paper in her grip. She found it.

I wrapped my arms tighter around her and kissed the crown of her head.

We just stood there in each other's arms, Jessa weeping all over my collar, her dress falling down her back. I didn't want to let her go. It was like if I let her go I'd wake up from a dream and she, this, would all disappear. I didn't ever want this to go away.

Joel ahemmed behind Jessa and I looked up. Joel motioned to some woman standing across at the doorstep.

"Flower people." Joel whispered.

I released Jessa and kissed her forehead.

"Go finish getting ready Jess." I instructed.

She hugged me one more time and whispered in my ear. She gathered up her dress and scuttled across the lawn towards the house. I grinned.

"Hi, I'm Bea, your florist."

I couldn't stop smiling.

"Hi, Bea, the florist. I'm Benji, the groom." I all but giggled.

Joel stood by my shoulder as I signed the clipboard Bea handed me. I handed it back to her so she could separate my receipt. Joel raised an eyebrow as I looked up into the window of the room Jessa was in.

"What was that about?" he asked.
"That's for me to know." I shut my eyes with a private smile.

"Well, my job's done." Bea grinned and stuck a stray rose in behind my ear. "Congratulations."

She leaned down to pick up the crumpled paper Jessa must have dropped and read it a few seconds, emotions overcoming her face. She suddenly stopped reading and handed it to me.

"Jessa's a very lucky woman." She swallowed tears and walked away.
***
"Something old?" Adriana asked me.
"Pearls." I grabbed the string around my neck. Mine had been a high school graduation gift, but I had given my "bridesmaids" (Renee and my sisters) each a necklace of their own.

"Something new?"
"My baby." I patted my stomach lovingly and my mom beamed at me.
Adriana grinned. "Borrowed?"
"Alex lent me her perfume." I sniffed my wrist and allowed them to do the same.
"Mmm, it's like vanilla." Zoe smiled.
"Or peaches." Lauryn added.
"She oughtta lend me some." Rachel made a face.
"She can't. It's like this super expensive French stuff her dad gave her a few Christmases ago." I explained.
"La-ti-da." Rachel spun her finger around. "You better not turn into all Rodeo Drive on me Jess."

I laughed.

"Alright, and blue?" Adri asked.
"Toenails." I lifted my dress revealing my perfectly blue painted toes.
"Then that's it's are we ready?" Adriana bounced.
"What time is it?" I asked.
"Four…..fifteen." My mom looked at her watch.
"I better put my shoes on." I stood up.

My shoes were on the floor. The reminded me of Cinderella because they had cute little bows at the front. I went to slip my foot inside but the pain was insane.

"Ow, ow, ow," I hopped away from my shoe.
"Oh, sweetie maybe your feet are swollen." My mom suggested.
"Yeah, pregnancy will do that." Rachel smirked.
"So what do I do?"
"Go barefoot." All my sisters chorused.

There was a knock on the door it was Momma.

"Everything's ready downstairs." She said.

We followed her out and downstairs. I caught my image in the hall mirror and stopped. I looked…like…a painting. I'd never looked like this ever. I breathed in deeply. This was happening, really happening.

"Jessie?" My dad stood near me and put his hand on my shoulder. "Come on." He squeezed and I took his hand.

The next few seconds when we walked outside and I saw that perfect clear sunset, it was a blur. I barely heard the music or saw Lu sprinkle rose petals down the aisle or see each of my sister walk arm and arm with a member of the band and Renee with Tony. I heard guests giggling as Xander waddled down the aisle with the rings. I remember the room falling silent when my father and I stood at the end of the aisle.

I glanced ahead of me, Benji, Joel, Tony, Paul, Billy, and Chris, looking like characters from 'Reservoir Dogs' in black suits, white shirts, black ties and a pair of shades neatly tucked in the lapels. Adriana, Renee and the rest of my sisters stood in a perfect row in their black satin dresses with a perfect white sash 'round the middle, little bundles of red roses in their hands.

I exhaled. I was ready. I think.

Part 5
I felt funny. Sick. I think I was gonna be sick. I'd never been so anxious before, and my stomach was tying itself in a knot. Joel must have sensed something was wrong because he put his hand on my shoulder.

"Hey, Benj. Everything's gonna turn out great, calm down." He rubbed his hand back and forth.

"Yeah." I forced a smile. I knew it'd be fine but I couldn't help this feeling. I'd never gotten married before.

"C'mon." he had to take my hand, like I was a child, and lead me from the gatehouse where me, my boys, and Xander were gathered. Waiting in our black suits. It made me think we were shooting the lifestyles video again.

They made me walk up the aisle alone and stand with the priest. I felt all embarrassed and stupid standing up there by myself. I felt like everyone was staring at me. Well and at the priest. He was really little and old, the priest. Father Donahue, or McDonald or O'Donnell. I don't know, he was Irish and baptized Jess. I was standing up there for what seemed like a long time. I looked around at the audience. My mom blotted her eyes. GREAT, she was already crying. I couldn't look at her I was gonna start crying.

I noticed Aimee, out photographer on the sidelines. We didn't like any of the portfolios that we saw. We found Aimee lying on her back in the park, taking pictures of "whatever flew overhead." We liked her right away and hired her. I smiled at her. She winked and took my picture.

The music started and my stomach rumbled. Here we go.

Lulu came first looking cute as hell and dropping red petals all over the white aisleway. Overhead I could hear the light pitter patter of rain begin. That was supposed to be good luck right?

Next came Xander. Paul kneeled down and directed him to walk straight up the aisle, but you try listening too your father when you're two years old. He started on the right track and everybody cooed. He was adorable in his very own suit identical to ours, right down to the shades that he refused to remove. Instead of coming towards me Xander veered off and climbed into his mother's lap. Everybody giggled as Lilly led him the rest of the way up. They giggled more when he handed me the little pillow and followed Lilly back to her seat.

Next all her bridesmaids and my groomsmen walked down the aisle arm in arm. Our wedding was so cool. I mean I'd been to like 3 weddings and they were all boring. We had cool colors and cool people and cool everything. Before I knew it Joel and Adriana were halfway up the aisle. I breathed in sharply. Joel stood at my side and I handed him the pillow.

The music stopped abruptly. My stomach gurgled again. Everybody stood up and there she was. I thought I might faint at the sight of her. I had to close my eyes and open them again to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Her eyes locked with mine and I wanted to cry. This was so real.

I inhaled and exhaled slowly when her dad handed her off to me she smiled at me and motioned her eyes down. She lifted her dress a bit and revealed her cute naked feet. I laughed and we walked a tiny bit of space to the very top of the alter, hand in hand. She squeezed my hand and I looked in her eyes. She winked at me.
***
"Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to join Benjamin and Jessa in the bounds of holy matrimony." I smiled at Benji.

He had a lot to say it seemed. About not taking it lightly and making a lifelong commitment, under God's 'watchful' eyes. I liked that part. He kept talking, a little about me, and I was afraid he would bore everyone with stories of me in church as a child, how I spit out my first communion and drank stolen church wine with Rachel and Zoe.

"If there's anyone here today who has any reason this couple shouldn't be wed, please speak now or forever hold your peace." Benji and I had the same reaction to turn around and stare at our friends and family. Everyone was silent and a few people shook their heads as if making a checklist in their heads. 'nope, no reason I can think of.'

"Without further ado, the rings." Joel pulled them out and handed them to Benji and I. "The couple has opted to write their own vows. Benjamin?" Father Donahue looked at Benji.

Benji cleared his throat and pulled out a tiny slip of white paper. I had to smile. Benji looked down at the paper as he spoke. Trying to do that and slip the ring on at the same time.

"Jessa…I…" he began reading off the paper. "Ah, fuck it." He balled it up and tossed it away. He regathered my hands and looked me straight in the eye. "I've told you that I love you a hundred times, but it's never gonna be enough. Since the moment I laid eyes on you all I wanted was to be yours. You've been everything I've ever needed Jessa. My lover, my best friend, my confidant, my shoulder, my head, my heart, now my wife and the mother of my child."

I know my eyes watered at that moment, Benji nodded to tell me it's ok. I nodded in return.

"You're the only person I could imagine spending my whole life with, except for Joel." Everyone chuckled. "and I promise that I will live up to what it means to be YOUR husband. I promise that I won't make any promises, but you have me, all of me, as long as we both shall live."

I think I saw tears in Benji's eyes and he squeezed my hands tightly. I tried to make my tears disappear and compose myself but resistance was futile.

"Jessa?" Donahue motioned for me to begin.

"I can't." I tried to say, but my voice wouldn't work.
"What's that?"
"I can't," my voice rang clear. "It's not as good."

Benji shut his eyes and smiled as he shook his head.

"Go, little one."

I took a very deep breath and held it as I slipped the ring over the 'N' in Man.

"I didn't write anything down, I decided to play it by ear. I thought it'd all just come to me, but I really don't know what to say, cause you always leave me speechless. You always make me so weak in the knees I can’t stand up, but I know I don't have to worry because you'd catch me if I fell. Benji, I love you. I've never been able to explain why I love you and by now I've learned that I can't explain it. I've learned that every question doesn't have an answer, that sometimes just trying to find one is good enough. I wanna find all the answers with you by my side. I'd spend a lifetime with all the wrong ones if it meant I could spend it with you."

Benji looked down and I squeezed his hands until he looked into my eyes.

"You doubt yourself all the time, and you get scared. But Benji you are everything I've ever wanted in another person and if there's anything you lack I haven't noticed yet and I don’t care. I don't think there's anybody in the world that could do what you do to me. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I'm yours until the day we die. I'm proud to bear your children Benji and I'll be proud to call myself your wife."

Everything got quiet. Everyone stared at me as if I had something to add.

"And…I see London, I see France, I've seen Benji's underpants." I added quickly and the entire room laughed.

Father Donahue composed himself.

"Well, then, by the power vested in me by the state of California, I now pronounce you man and wife."
"May I kiss the bride?" Benji asked.
"Oh, yes, of course."

Benji grinned at me. He put his arms around my back and pulled me close to him as he placed his lips gently against mine. I put one hand on his neck and kissed back.

We pulled back from each other and grinned at our audience.

"May I be the first to present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Benjamin Madden."

Benji grabbed my hand and pulled me down the aisle. We made a right towards the gate house. The lawn was all wet from the light rain and I could feel the grass in between my toes. It had happened, we were married. I was now and would always be Mrs. Benjamin Madden.

Benji opened the door to the gate house. The place he had spent the night. The same place the two of us would spend the night as husband and wife for the first time.

There was an overwhelming smell of vanilla and rose and Benji had cleaned it up. I smiled at him and grinned. He put his arms around my neck and leaned his head against mine.

"Life is just a guessing game, but you'd never guess that it's true" Benji sang, rocking us back and forth. I closed my eyes as he continued.

"that it's okay, to be afraid
but why am I afraid of you?
I've done things that I'm not proud of
I've hurt more than I could show
but everything will be alright
if I could just let you know
and people say that we're all a little lonely,
and maybe some of that is true,
but if it is than I wanna be lonely with you"

Benji hadn't sang me "J's Song" in so long. It wasn't even on the album. The song has never been recorded except for the footage I shot during that show on Valentine's 2 years ago. It was locked away in my heart.

"how did it get this way
when did I start to lose you
I thought you'd always stay
don't you know I want you to
it's wrong of me to ask you to love me
wrong that I can't see
that you've always loved me
more than I've ever loved myself
now, I miss you
and people say that we're all a little lonely
and maybe some of that is true
but if it is than I wanna be lonely with you
I miss you now
I will miss you tomorrow
I just wanna kiss you so much
I want to feel you
I need your touch
people say that we're all a little lonely
and maybe some of that is true
but if it is than I wanna be lonely with you
yeah I wanna be lonely with you
with you
I wanna be with you"

"Hello, Mrs. Madden." Benji hadn't let go of me, yet. I opened my eyes and peered into his wide ones.

I leaned my head on his shoulder and Benji wrapped his arms around my back. I smiled to myself. He released me and grinned.

"C'mon little one, let's go greet the world."
"Do we have to?" I whined holding his hand and making him stay back.

He smiled at me and kissed me.

"C'mon." He grasped my hand again and led me up towards the house.
***
"Hey!" Joel called out, tapping his glass. "Hey, can I have your attention?"

Everybody got quiet and looked at Joel. He grinned. I couldn't take the grin off my face. I hadn't been able to the entire reception.

"Don't worry, this isn't a repeat of last night. First, I'd like to wish Benji and Jess a happy hour anniversary." Everyone chuckled. "Look at them all happy. They truly deserve all of this. I don't think I could explain how happy I am for my brother. And how happy I am for Jess, too. I wanna thank you guys for being so happy. And thanks for letting me host your special day at my house. And thanks to Benji for picking me over Tony."

"Get on with it already!" Tony yelled across the table. "Dude," he turned to me. "You picked the wrong guy." I laughed.

"Alright. Look this is gonna sound so dumb. But when Benji started liking girls he used to worry all the time that no one was ever gonna like him and that he'd never get married. And then we grew up and he really began to believe it cause he was 25 and still nowhere near marriage. But then Jess happened."

I smiled and looked at her.

"And maybe he didn't believe it, but I knew." I opened my mouth to protest, but Joel cut me off. "Don't argue with me, Benj. I knew you'd end up with Jess. I knew she was just the woman for you. This morning Benji was a wreck. He was afraid he'd screw everything up. He was really panicky, but then Jessa came down out of the blue and they just held each other. They didn't say anything or do anything. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I know it's supposed to be bad luck and everything but I think, actually, I should thank you Jess. You did in 2 seconds, what I couldn't do in a lifetime. You made Benji happy. Serenely, insanely, happy."

Joel lifted his glass. "Here's to Jessa and Benji, many more happy hours and days and months and years together. And no more tears cause I think you've both cried enough. Bottoms up."

Everybody drank down their champagne, and apple cider for me, Jess, and Alex. I smiled over at Jess and grabbed her shoulders. She leaned her head on my chest.

"I love you."
"I love you more." She murmured.
"Dance?" I asked.
"You? Dance? In front of other people Benj." She turned to me and laughed.
"Hey!" I mocked a pout. "Come on, I worked really hard so we could dance our first dance."
"Okay." She grinned and kissed me. As we got up and went towards the empty dance floor she added. "You better not step on my feet. I don't have any shoes on remember."
"Don't worry about it."
***
He was so cute leading me out to the dance floor. Benji and I had danced before. Only when we were alone and it was dark. We set the stereo to a low hum and rock back and forth with each other. If I ever tried when others were around, he looked at me like I was nuts, how dare I ask, punx don't dance.

The DJ cut out the music and I waited a moment expecting some incredibly romantic Benji approved tune to come on. When nothing happened I opened my eyes and stared at Benji. he grinned and bit his lip.

Suddenly I heard the loud sound of a guitar striking it's first chord. I turned and was overwhelmed by the sight before me. 5 skinny long-haireds. I couldn't fucking believe it, Phantom Planet was at MY wedding. MY WEDDING. I looked at Benji, my mouth hanging open. He just smiled and shrugged. My sisters all squealed.

"Benj…B-Benj."
"Do you like your surprise?"
"I didn’t know I was getting one."
"Didn't you read the second page of my note?"
"Second page?"
"It said 'Surprises come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes surprises can even sing'"

I laughed, "Benji that is so…dumb."
He shrugged and turned up his palms. "Shall we?"

He wrapped his arms around me as the band started. It wasn't their song and for a minute I didn't recognize it.

Lying beside you.
Here in the dark
Feeling your heart beat
With mine

'Open Arms.' Benji would pick this song. He was a total cheesy romantic. This song was so very romantic.

Softly you whisper
You're so sincere
How could our love
Be so blind

This felt so good. Being in his arms. Being in my husband's arms. Benji was my husband. That was the best feeling in the world.

We sailed on together
We drifted apart
And here you are by my side

I closed my eyes and moved with a comfortable ease. We were in our own little bubble. There was no one else but me and him and the music, binding us. I had my head on his shoulder. And I could hear him singing along.

So now I come to you
With open arms
Nothing to hide
Believe what I say
So here I am
With open arms
Hoping you'll see
What your love means to me
Open arms

He leaned down and gently kissed me.
***
I had the urge to close my eyes and keep my family members from watching me dance. But seeing as how they saw me cry and repeatedly kiss Jessa, dancing was cake. I had to kiss her now. It was like the kisses were different. Because now we were different. She was my wife now.

Living without you
Living alone
This empty house seems so cold
Wanting to hold you
Wanting you near
How much I wanted you home

Everything felt, perfect. I felt at home. This was my life, forever. It was me and Jessa forever.

But now that you've come back
Turned night into day
I need you to stay

Being in her arms now was the greatest. She fell into me, like she were very embarrassed. She didn't want to leave me for anything. I wanted to just stay like this forever. Me and Jessa and the music.

So now I come to you
With open arms
Nothing to hide
Believe what I say
So here I am
With open arms
Hoping you'll see
What your love means to me
Open arms

The song was over but we didn't stop rocking back and forth. Everyone cheered. And Jess and I stopped and blushed at everyone. Like we'd been caught or something. The band striked up one of their songs and Jessa and I retreated to our seats.

Everyone took their mate to the floor. Lu was the only one at the table when we got there. She was frowning.

"Hey." I pulled her into my lap. I know Jessa smiled. "What's up, Lu?"

She leaned her dark curls against my chest and sighed.

"I'm too little to dance." She lamented.
"No way. You can dance with me!" I grinned down at her.
"Really!!!" Her eyes lit up once again.
"Yup." I set her on the next seat over and stood up. I took her little hand "May I have this dance Miss Louise Casablancas?"

She giggled and looked down with red cheeks.

"Well answer him Lulu." Jess urged.
"Is it ok if I dance with your husband, Auntie Jessa?"
Jessa nodded vigorously. "I insist. Just don't steal him away."

Lulu grinned and pulled me by the hand to the dance floor.

Part 6
The cake had been eaten, the dances all exhausted and most of the guests had gone home. I sat in Joel's favorite chair dozily watching the dogs sniff the floor, occasionally finding dropped pieces of food and growling at each other over who got to eat it.

Benji was saying goodnight to some people he knew and I hardly knew. It crossed my mind that I should get to know them, but that meant getting up. Lulu was trying to get Xander to dance, but he sat on his butt and rolled a car around on the floor. I wonder where Rach was, she usually watched Lulu like a hawk and she was nowhere in my eyesight.

"Hey J." Chad and 3 of my sisters came over to me. "We're gonna head home."

I smiled vaguely. And they each leaned down to give me a hug. After the What-there-faces left Benji came over to me and smiled. Chad and my sisters started pulling him into hugs too.

"JOSHUA!!" We heard Momma suddenly scream from upstairs.
"Rachel!?" My mom followed.
"Mom!" Both guilty(?) parties finished.
"What are you doing??!!" Momma yelled.
"Pull your dress down"
"Put your pants on, young man."

We all made eyes at each other and giggled silently as our older siblings got "lectured" about doing it in the coat room.

"I raised you so much better than this, Rachel Michelle." Ouch the middle name.
"Fornication is a sin, Joshua."

I felt sorry for them, the horny sluts, you'd expect Tony and Renee to be the one's off fucking each other's brains out. But I was waiting for it. Waiting to see who'd be the one's to have sex during our wedding. I mean Benji and I did it at Tony and Renee's wedding and Joel and Alex did at Lilly's, AND Benji and I again before Joel and Alex's. It was a perverted tradition.

They came downstairs, our mothers trailing them, continuing to lecture. We all tried to keep straight faces, pretend that we hadn't heard they got caught. I wanted to burst out laughing.

"We're gonna go home." Paul announced picking Xander off the floor despite his protests.
Lilly yawned and straightened his shades.
"We should go as well." Carly agreed. "Bill?"
He yawned and nodded.

Chris startled me when he leaned over and hugged me. He was a bit of a mess. Amy came to the wedding and sat on my side. She didn't say a word to him the whole night and left early.

"Bye Jess. Congratulations again." He smiled. He gave me another squeeze. "Love you."

"Ready, baby." Benji asked me
"Uh huh." I nodded, I was exhausted.

Benji held out his hand but I could hardly move. Benji chuckled. He leaned down and helped me up from the armpit.

"Up you get, Mrs. Madden."

My wedding party moved towards the doors in a mix of good-byes and hugs. Joel stopped everybody before they headed out. Holding his hands high above his head to signal.

"Alex and I have something." He said. "A, uh, gift for Benj and Jess."
"Joel, you're already letting us stay here…" Benji began.
"I know, I know." Joel nodded and grinned at Alex knowingly. "But we thought…we, uh…"
"You're going on a honeymoon." Alex finished. "On us."
"You guys." I felt like crying.
"Since Alex and I never had a honeymoon…"
"WHAT?!" Momma shouted for the second time. "You…you got married, my baby boy. W-when?"

Joel panicked, as he often does, and looked to Alex for support. Momma looked like a mad cow. She stared open mouthed at Joel. Everyone else fell silent.

"M-mom…"
"Momma," Benji put his hand on her shoulder. "It was a split second decision…he didn't mean to leave you out."
"You knew too!?" She looked at Benji, then glanced at everyone else as we hung our heads. "You ALL knew?"

She stared back at Joel and Alex, who now held each other's hands in slight fear. I wasn't sure what Momma was going to do. What do you say when your son kept you out of his wedding and then didn't tell you about it? She furrowed her eyebrows and shut her eyes. I think she was gonna cry.

"Mom, I'm sorry." Joel tried.
"We didn't want to take anything away from Benji and Jessa." Alex added.

She stared daggers at them both and shook her head. "I'm going to bed." She announced.

Joel frowned and Alex quickly rubbed his shoulders.

"It'll be ok…she'll forgive us."
"I hope so."
"Well good luck with that, but we gotta get moving." Zoe gave me a quick hug. "I gotta drive home in the morning."

We said our good-byes again and people headed to their cars or upstairs to bed. Benji and I were alone together for the first time all day as we walked through the house towards the backyard. I grinned at him. I moved off of him and supported myself. I wrapped my arms around his neck. Benji put his hands on my waist and we rocked back and forth like we were dancing to the music that wasn't playing. I closed my eyes and let Benji lead as we continued dancing in silence.

Suddenly the soft sounds of "I Will" by the Beatles come on. I opened my eyes and Joel smiled at me from across the room, where he stood next to the stereo. I shut my eyes again and Benji held me closer.

Who knows how long I've loved you.
You know I love you still
Will I wait a long lonely lifetime?

"If you want me to, I will." Benji sang along. "For if I ever saw you I didn't catch your name. But it never really mattered, I will always feel the same."

"Love you forever and forever, love with all my heart, love you whenever we're together love you when were apart." I joined him.

"And when at last I find you your song will fill the air sing it loud so I can hear you, make it easy to be near you. for the things you do endear you to me. Ah, you know I will. I wiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllll." Benji's voice rang clear as the song ended.

He kissed me softly.

"Are you ready?" he asked in a whisper.

I only nodded as we released each other. We laced our fingers and headed for the cottage in the back.

"Night you two." Joel called. "Night." We said at the same time. We look at each other and grinned.

We walked across the lawn in silence. When we reached the gate house I stepped forward to open the door. Benji grabbed my arm.

"No, Jessa."
"No?" I cocked my head curiously.
"No."

Suddenly, I was swept off my feet. Benji had picked me up and carried me in his arms. I grinned at him. I couldn't believe this man sometimes. Benji smiled, though his legs trembled, I knew I was too heavy for him.

He tried to maneuver and open the door. I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed. I opened the door myself and kicked it open with my feet. Benji grinned wide at me and carried me carefully over the threshold.

Once inside I thought he'd set me down but he carried me further through the house. The smell of rose and vanilla was intoxicating. There were candles burning on little shelves all down the hall. It was obvious that Benji had set this all up. For me. For us.

Finally we had reached the bedroom. It was spotless. No dirty socks strewn on the floor, no open CD cases on the dresser, no half finished bowls of cereal. Instead there more candles making the room smell sweet.

Gently, Benji laid me down on the bed and laid next to me. He opened his mouth slowly, about to say something that I'm sure was incredibly romantic. Before he could say it and make me blush and make me cry, I kissed him. Whatever had popped into his head I'm sure popped right out.

He moaned against my lips as his tongue explored familiar places. He sucked on my neck and began moving his hands to undress me. I loosened his tie as we continued kissing. As he stood up on his knees to take off his shirt it hit me that I was not looking at the bare chest of my boyfriend, Benji. It was the bare chest of my husband, Benji. Husband. My husband. The word danced in my head. I was about to make love to my husband. I hadn't realized I stopped doing anything and was just staring at him, until he leaned down.

"Jess? Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, of course." I tried to grin.
"We don't have to Jess." He looked at me earnestly.
"I want to Benj."

He smiled at me.

"No. really, if…"
"Benji. It's our wedding night. We are not going down in history as the couple who didn't do it on their wedding night. I want to, Benj. I do. So whip it out and bang the bejesus out of me."
"Jess." He laughed.
"What? You want me to do you?" I grinned and took the reins. Straddling his body.
"Jessa!" he sounded surprised.
"Don't be so surprised, you're my sexy beast remember?"

Benji grinned beneath me and growled.

"Quiet my sexy beast."

He growled, again, and nibbled at my neck. He stopped suddenly and looked at me.

"Baby, wait, get up," he said excitedly, as if he had just remembered something. I was curious and stood up as Benji laid back against the plush pillows. "Go over to the dresser." He motioned with his neck. "Open it."

I went for the first drawer.

"Other one." Benji pointed and I opened it. Inside was a pile of black lacey things I couldn't quite figure out. I blushed and held up what looked like the top, question on my face. Benji wiggled his eyebrows.

"Put it on." He told me. I stared at it questioningly a few seconds, before heading towards the bathroom.

"Uh-uh, do it right here. I wanna watch." I got excited by his tone, he sounded all sexy and manly.

I beamed and reached my hand to my back, trying to be so cool and seductive, but quickly realized I couldn't undo my own zipper. Benji was watching me with those lust filled brown eyes. I almost didn't wanna ask but I knew there was no other way.

"Benji," I asked quietly looking down and blushing. "Can you unzip me?"

His look of excitement fell and the most adorable look came over his face. His eyes fell shut and his lips curled into the cutest half smile. "Okay, but the rest is up to you."
***
I unzipped her, slowly, memorizing every inch of my wife as if I'd be the last time I'd ever get to make love to her. I finished and spanked her butt. "Go on, please."

I resisted the urge to tear off whatever was left and returned to my spot on the bed. Her dress fell to her ankles. She stood there in nothing more than a strapless bra and her white cotton underwear, her pregnant tummy sticking out and somehow turning me on even more.

She reached around and unhooked her bra letting it fall off her breasts. They were even bigger than they normally would be, and believe me I didn't mind. I'll say it again, I'm a boob man, and Jessa had perfect boobs. Fitting, I made her my wife.

She batted her eyelashes at me and I swallowed forgetting I was playing the dominant one tonight. Slow and alluring, she slid her underwear down, leaving her completely nude. Now the real fun would begin.

She smiled at me. "Do you wanna help me put it on Benj?"
"Shh, pretend I'm not here." I told her, biting my lip in anticipation.

She started with the black lace underwear, no thongs, personally I don't find them very appealing. I like to see the cheeks peeking out from the bottom. They fit nicely and she turned around to show off the curve of her ass to me. I was starting to get hot. This was going better than I thought it would.

Next she slipped the top over her head. It was black lace and satin with a little bow right between her boobs. She adjusted her boobs to fill the cups and she looked up at me. I guess I must have looked really excited at her sight because the next words out of her mouth were…

"Do you want me Benjamin?"
I groaned and grabbed my dick. "Finish." I begged.

She raised her foot up to the edge of the bed and starting inching her stocking up her leg. I rubbed my hand around the outside of my pants over my crotch. It was driving me crazy. This must have been the best idea I'd ever had.

She lifted her leg and again slowly slipped on the stocking. I was getting really hard watching all of this and continued working on it as she went for the final 2 pieces of her ensemble.
***
I couldn't pretend I wasn't as turned on as he was. His eyes traveled over every part of my body and made me feel incredibly sexy because I could see the lust in his eyes and I saw him fondling himself. Usually, I wouldn't want to think about him playing with himself but this time it was getting me hot because I knew it was me he was thinking about.

I slipped the satin gloves on one by one and watched his face grow even more excited at the promise of what was to come. I tried to make a sexy look as I crawled onto the bed and on top of him. Benji shivered when I rubbed my gloved hand over his chest. I leaned down as far and my baby would allow.

I whispered. "You like?"
"I love." Benji wiggled his eyebrows at me. "I almost feel bad making you put it on cause I'm just gonna rip it off."

I grinned. He rolled me so we were laying side by side. Cradling my back, he kissed me. He breathed on my neck; kissing, licking and sucking his way down my chest. I rested my gloved hand on his chin and pulled him up by his tie so I could kiss his neck. He moaned in appreciation as I moved the tie out of my way to kiss the exposed places.

"Mmmm…Jess." I could feel him slip his arm between our bodies and snake it around my hips so his hand rested on my butt. He squeezed gently and spanked me.

I glided my hand through the back of his open shirt and reached my hand into the back of his pants, preparing to grab hind.

"Ohhh, that feels good." He groaned, bucking his hips forward so his erection ran into my thigh. He moaned loudly when I did grip his soft skin.
"Baby." I purred and rubbed my hands around his legs to his front inside of his pants. He lost contact with my skin as he tossed his head back and moaned.
"God!"

I unbuckled his pants and he anxiously pulled them off himself.

"Fuck me, Benji." I begged feeling incredibly wet.
"Let's get you out of this, first." He went on. How he could possibly hold back was beyond me. "Lie back." He instructed.

I did and began pulling off my gloves.

"Leave those on." Benji ordered. He leaned down and gradually pulled down each stocking, leaving a trail of soft kisses on my inner thigh as he moved down. I rolled my head back and closed my eyes. Everything felt amazing. I never knew pregnant woman got it this good. Then again not everyone has a Benji.

I opened my eyes and Benji was kneeling at my side. "You look so hot baby."

He began pulling the underwear off me, sighing and groaning, obviously looking forward to the sex. He pulled them over my toes and tossed them aside. He came back up and I was expecting him to take off the babydoll top but he didn't.

"Fuck it." He murmured and laid down on the bed, motioning for me to mount him. I did so and he positioned himself before my entrance. "I love you." he sighed as I let him gently slide inside.

We moaned together as I started grinding onto him.

"Jess" Benji dipped his head back and plunged into me. "oh, Jessa."

I went full steam ahead riding him hard. Benji's hands cradled my back and pushed me to meet his every thrust. Then I felt it and stopped.
***
"Jess?" I asked. I was confused.
"The baby."
"What about the baby?" The sex was over and gone, maybe we'd done something wrong by having sex. Did we hurt the baby? I was suddenly very worried.

Jessa giggled. Giggled?

"What?"
"The baby, its…moving." She said with wonder, amazement, and pure joy. "Here, feel"

She took my hand and held it against her lower stomach, not far from where I was still connected to her.

"There," She giggled again "You feel it?"

I didn't feel anything, but I didn't want to tell her that. Jessa sighed and smiled down at me as I felt her shutter.

"Stop moving and maybe I can feel something."
"Benji, I'm not moving. That's not me." She explained as I felt the flutter against her skin again.

Oh my God. That was the baby. It was moving around inside of her? My baby was moving. MY BABY WAS MOVING!! It was really amazing. I couldn't stop pressing my hand against her to feel our baby.

"What are you thinking about?" She asked me, leaning down a bit to kiss my cheek.

I kissed her back and pulled out so she could lie next to me.

"Our baby…my wife." I turned to face her a grin spread across her cheeks.
"I'm really your wife."
"Forever and ever and ever and ever." I kissed her again. "And ever."
"Benji…I gotta tell you something."
"What?" this was the nightmare part I’d been dreading…
"I love you." she wrapped her arm around me.

I chuckled and ran my hand through her hair. "I love you more."

We laid there a few minutes in silence, getting comfortable and drifting off.

"Benji?" she suddenly stirred me.
"Huh?"
"I still wanna have sex."