Chapter 7 "In Sickness and In Hell"

Everyday is a new day

I'm reminded of my past

Everytime there's another storm

I know that it won't last

Every moment I'm filled with hope 'cause I get another chance

But I will try

I will try

 

 

Sick thoughts entered my head.  Images of my kids hurt and bloody and in caskets.  Pale faces, bloodshot eyes. It was scary how easily I could imagine it.  It was hard to get them to go away.   I shut my eyes tight, feeling tears pricking them.

 

“Dad?”  Ben answered Joel's phone.

“Ben, what happened?  Are you okay?!”  I couldn't help screaming.  Now I was struck with the feeling that something was wrong with Joel.

“Grama, grama's…in the hospital.” He told me calmly. 

"What?!”  my mind was reeling.  My heart was beating out of my chest.  The thought of my mom, my momma… “Where are you?”

“The hospital, uncle Joel and uncle Josh are with grama.  I’m watching the kids with aunt Alex.”

"What happened?"

 

Ben didn't say anything to me for a minute.

 

"Ben, what happened?!"

"I don't know."  He sighed.  “She just…fell.”

 

Jessa was staring at me with wide eyes already wet in the corners.

 

“W-we’ll be there soon, okay.”

“Okay, dad…”

“We’re gonna get on a plane and…and we’ll be right there.” I was going over it all in my head.

“Dad?” Ben sounded scared.  Jessa was gripping me tightly.

 

I took a deep breath.

 

“I’m okay, I’ll be okay, don’t worry Ben.” I told him as calmly as I could.  “I’ll talk to you in a little while.”  I hung up and dropped my phone on the bed.

“Oh, Benj.” Jessa hugged me.

 

I just sat there, kind of in shock.  My mom was in the hospital.  I didn’t even really know what was wrong yet, but it was bad.  It was really bad.  Jessa hugged me tighter and I felt her kiss my cheek.

 

“It’s gonna be okay, baby.”  She told me softly.  “It’s gonna be okay.”

***

It was hard to watch the road and not watch Benji instead.  He was so upset about his mom, I mean, of course he was, but he was feeling guilty about or something, I could feel it.  He kept breathing hard and mumbling to himself.  He was just so scared.

 

“Baby, it’s gonna be okay.”

“Y-yeah.” He nodded.

 

I frowned and just kept driving.  He wasn't going to be better until he got to see her and even then, he might not feel too great.  It wasn’t like I wasn’t worried too.  She’s been battling lupus for years, since Benji was a teenager, and she did keep up with treatments and try to live healthy and everything, but…but now this.

 

It was already dark by the time we got to the hospital in Annapolis.  It was going to be hard to walk in there without falling to pieces. Hospitals always evoke bad things in my memories and I hate it.

 

“Benj, you ready?” I asked as I turned off the car and pulled the key from the ignition.

“Y-yeah, I think so.”

 

I frowned again.  “It’s gonna be okay, baby.”

“Yeah, you said that already.”  He grunted, pulling off his seatbelt.

I rolled my eyes as we got out of the car.  “It’s because I believe it.”

“Uh huh.” He dismissed me.  Fine, he didn’t want to talk, just fine.

 

He walked ahead of me, dialing one of his brothers as we walked towards the doors.

 

“Hey, what floor?” he asked them somberly.  “Yeah, we’re here…okay…see you in a few minutes.”

 

He turned back towards me.  “Sixth floor.”

“Okay.” I nodded.

“Jess, I’m sorry if I…”

“I understand.” I caught up with him and put my arm around his waist.  I kissed his cheek and smiled.

“Thanks.”

 

I didn’t release him as we rode the elevator up or as we walked towards the family room.  He put his arm around my shoulder and squeezed.

 

“MOMMA!” Isabel cried and ran across the room towards us.  “Daddy!”

“Hi babygirl!” Benji smiled big and picked her up as she ran into his arms.  He hugged her to him.  “Oh, I missed you, Iz.”

 

Joel and Noah were both sleeping on Ben on the biggest couch, he was holding a book.  He had obviously been reading to them.  It made me smile to see him being so close to his brothers.  He pretended to hate them all the time, but I knew.  I knew he loved them.  I knew he cared about them.

 

“Hi mom.” He looked up at me.  He looked so tired and grown up all at once.

“Hi baby, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He nodded.  “The boys wanted to see you guys, but they couldn’t stay up anymore.”

“It’s okay.” I smiled.  “Hey Alex.”

“How was your trip?” She rubbed Zack’s sleepy head.

“It was really good.” I nodded.

 

“Benj?” Joel came in, Josh on his heels.  They both looked worn out.

“How is she?” he put Isabel down and swallowed.  “Where is she?”

“Let’s go out here.” Josh motioned out.

 

The three Madden brothers together was usually this loud perverted boisterous event and to see them all so serious and quiet was scary and worrying.  I really didn’t like the feeling they were giving me.  But I didn’t have time to mull over it, because Isabel came over to me.

 

“Hi mommy, did you have fun in New York?”

“Uh huh.” I smiled at her, sitting down next to Noah.

“Did you go shopping?”

I laughed.  “Yeah, I did actually.”

“How is the baby?”

“It’s doing just fine.” I smiled again.  “I missed you Izzy.” I hugged her.

“Is grama going to be okay?”

“Isabel?” Ben sighed.  “Uncle Joel told you to stop asking.”

“But I wanna know!” her face twisted into worry.

 

I hugged her shoulder.  “I don’t know yet, Iz.”

She bit her lip and took a breath.  “I hope she’s okay.”

“I’m sure she will be.” I hugged her again.  Alex gave me a look.  Am I being too hopeful?  “We just gotta be positive.” I added.

 

“I’m sleepy momma” Zack yawned to his mother.

“I know honey, we’re gonna go home soon I think.” She told him.  “Joel stayed the night last night.  Josh too.”

“Really?” I frowned.

“Yeah, all the kids stayed with me.”

“All alone?” I asked incredulously.

“Ben, helped.” She smiled and nodded in his direction.

 

He bowed his head a little in embarrassment

 

“He’s really good with his little brothers and sister.”  She went on.  I smiled as I looked at Ben.  “Sophie stayed over too.”

“What about Sarah.” I asked.

“She’s…I dunno, she’s scared to come over here.”  Alex shrugged.  “Josh went over there yesterday, and he came back saying Sarah was too upset about it.”

 

“What the fuck?!” Benji suddenly yelled from the hall.

“Benj, calm down.” Joel was attempting to contain him.

“No fucking way, he…”

“Benj!” Josh yelled this time.

 

I stood up, signaling to Alex.  As I went out in the hall I could see what was causing his outburst.  Jeff, who I guess we could classify as Robin’s boyfriend was out there.

 

“Dude, now is not the time for this.”

“Of course it is Josh!” Benji yelled.  “He doesn’t need to be here.”

“Look Ben I know you…”  Jeff started.

“You don’t call me that!” he got angrier.

“Benji!” I put my hand on his arm.

“Jess!” he just gave me this look.

“Benji, your brother is right.”

“Fuck, whatever!” he pulled himself out of mine and Josh’s grasp.  “I’m gonna see momma.” He walked past us all and into her room a few doors away.

 

“I knew he was gonna be like this.” Joel sighed.  “He always gets mad first thing.”

“He’s just upset, he’ll be fine.” I explained.  “I think he feels a little guilty or something.”

“Guilty?” Jeff questioned.

“Like it has something to do with us going away, or her watching the kids.” I shrugged.  “He won’t be like this forever.”

“He’s been this way his whole life.” Joel moaned.

 

I frowned.  “C’mon, you know Benj.  He’s so…so moody and he takes it personally.”

“Yeah, I know.” Joel nodded.  “I’m gonna go sit for a little while.” Joel went back into the family room to be with Alex and his boys.

 

Josh looked over at me, smiling slightly.  “Sorry, you had to cut your trip short, I know it was important for you guys.”

“No, it’s fine.” I nodded adding a little smile.  "This is way more important."

"You're a good woman, Jessa" Josh gave me a hug.

 

"MOMMA!"  I heard Joel behind me.

"Joely!" I grinned and leaned down to let him jump into my arms.  "Oh how's my little boy?"

"You’re home!"  he exclaimed.  "Noh!  Momma's home!"

"I'm home." I hugged him tightly against me.  Noah came running out, plowing into my legs.

"Where's daddy?" Noah looked up at me.

"He's with your grama." Josh picked up Joel as I took Noah. 

"He'll come out and see you in a minute." I added.

 

I sat back down with my boys on the couch.  Josh sat next to Isabel on the opposite loveseat.

 

"Grama's sick!" Noah fretted.

"I know honey."

"Are you gonna take care of her?" he asked me.   "Is daddy gonna fix it?"

"I don't-" I began, not sure I could give him a satisfying answer.

"I'm sure he's gonna try, Noah."  Josh reassured him.  "If I know your daddy, he's going to do everything he possibly can."

***

"Are you sure you wanna stay?" Jessa looked at me seriously.  Her hand stroking my arm lightly.  The kids were already all buckled into the car, half asleep, making faces at me through the tinted glass.

"I have to Jess."  I sighed.  "I can't leave her."

"w-well…" I could see her getting upset for me.

"Jess, I'm okay." I assured her.  I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her.

"Call me, okay?" she looked up at me.

"yeah." I leaned down and gave her a kiss.

 

We broke and she climbed into the car.  I couldn't hear her voice, but I could tell she was asking the kids to make sure they were buckled up, that the doors were shut, if they had to go to the bathroom.  I watched them in the car as she started up and pulled out of the space.  I caught Isabel waving at me from the backseat.  I waved back as they drove away.

 

I missed my kids, even just being away a few days, but I felt like my mom needed me right now.  She usually very good about her condition.  She makes sure not to stress out, and guess since her kids have moved out and away, her stress level has gone way down.  She hasn't had any bad spells in a long time.  I hated to think that the kids staying over caused any of this, but of course they didn't.  Kids don't cause strokes.

 

The doctors said it wasn't that bad.  They she should be able to recover nicely, but I knew half of that was sugarcoated.  Maybe I'm just negative.  I let the doors open and slide shut behind me.  Hospitals were so weird; so sterile and white and depressing.  Maybe I oughtta spend time on the maternity floor and see the babies.   The one place in the hospital that's full of joy.

 

The 6^th floor was dark when I got back up there.  Most of the patients were sleeping.  Visitors weren't supposed to be hanging around anymore, but Joel and I set up camp in the waiting room.  The night nurses would walk by and look at us like they wanted to say something, but they didn't.  No one was throwing me out.  No one had the right to turn me away from my mom. 

 

"you look good Benj." Joel nodded at me handing me a paper cup of coffee.

"we needed the time alone." I nodded back.  I'm sure I was still glowing a little, yet it felt so far away.  That magnificent hotel room in New York, full of our love and our intimate secrets.  Now I was in this depressing, cold, building; this room made of tears.  I couldn't think of anything but my mom asleep in that room down the hall, machines hooked to her everywhere.

 

"It's not your fault, Benj."

 

I gapped at him, a scowl forming on my lips.

 

"It's not.  Don't get mad at me, I know that's what you were thinking." He took a long sip.

"It's not actually.  I was thinking of how depressing this place is."

"You should've gone home.  You don't need to beat yourself up over this."

"Don't treat me like I'm so fragile, Joel." I muttered.

"You will always be fragile to me." He got up and paced a little.

 

What was that supposed to mean?

 

"Fragile, Joel?"

I heard him sniff.  "Nothing, just…just don't think you're the only one this hurts."

"I-I don't…" I got up too, beginning to understand.

"you've always gotta be so fucking selfish Benj." He hung his head for a second, then lifted it and tipped the coffee down his throat.

 

Selfish, that's how my brother thought of me.  I guess he's right. 

 

"I'm sorry Joel." I shook my head.  "I…"

He shrugged it off.  "how was your trip?  You and Jess okay?"

"yeah, we're great.  We had a lot of really good talks" I explained.

"oh yeah, so how many times, stud?"

"what?  I said we talked Joel, not that we…"

"talk in Benj and Jessa language is 'we fucked like 3 billion times'."

 

It definitely wasn't 3 billion, but somewhere around 20-25 times.  25 orgasms in 5 days, that's 5 times a day, I'm surprised we could walk.

 

"we did actually talk, too" I sneered indignantly.  "I think we're gonna be okay.  We understand where the other was coming from.  She's not as freaked out about the baby as she was before."

"that's great." Joel grinned.  "five, Benj!  You're gonna have 5 kids, that's just…unreal."

"I'm getting a vasectomy." I blurted.

"WHOA!" he stared at me.  "Just how good IS Jess?"

 

I made a face, "Shut up.  It's for the best."

"I suppose, it's just…wow."

"I didn't say I wasn't scared, but I mean, we…we have FIVE KIDS!"

"I don't know every time I see you with the kids I just see this kid himself.  I see you as that 20 year old wild kid who kissed every girl and went home with them and drug himself back to our apartment with a pair of panties in his pocket.  I thought you'd have a ton if mini Benji's before you were 25.  I never thought you'd get married and settle down."

"I wasn't that much of a slut.  Besides, I always had this in me, you know that."

"you always SAID you did." He shrugged.  "I didn't know if I believed you.  Then after Georgie…I thought you were dead-set against it."

"Jessa changed that."

 

Joel smiled at me.  "I'm glad you see that."

"of course I see that.  If it wasn't for Jess…god, I wouldn't have half the things I have.  I wouldn't…I don't even know if I'd be alive right now."

He shuddered.  "I don't know why I brought this up.  I've been pretty introspective lately."

"Lately?  You're always like this Joel, you think too much."

 

Joel blushed.

 

"Don't worry I like you like this.  How's Nate doing at home?"

"He's so healthy Benj, he gained 2 pounds."

"That's great." I smiled.

"And the boys love it, being big brothers." He nodded.  "Speaking of…Joely was acting pretty…um…big for his britches."

I laughed.  "Oh yeah?"

"He kept telling everyone what to do.  He said you put him in charge."

"Oh, well I kinda had a talk with him before we left about being a big boy and being a big brother now."

"Yeah. It went to his head."

 

I laughed, I love my little boy.

 

"Ben was really good with the kids too." Joel added.  "I was surprised.  He's really grown up."

I smiled.  "He's a good kid."

 

I sat back against the couch.  My kids were so great.  Joel was right I should be home with them.  In fact I'd love to be at home tucking them into bed, but I just couldn't leave when my mom was in the hospital.  I had to be here tonight.  Tomorrow morning I'd go home and have breakfast with Jess and the kids, but right now this is where I had to be.

 

"Sarah's really fucked up man." Joel broke the silence, glancing at me a second, then focusing on his near empty coffee cup.

"fucked up how?" I lifted my cup to my lips, finding it cold.  I spit my sip back in the cup and put it on the table.

"when Josh called her she started crying and then hung up on him.  So, then he went out there and he said she was all upset, but she didn't want him to stay with her.  She said she can't deal with this."

"did you talk to her?"

"she doesn't want to talk to me.  She had Lewis tell me to give her some space.  Then he called and told Josh the same thing."  He sighed.

 

Oh my poor baby sister.  Of course it would affect her worse.  I mean she stayed with momma a whole lot longer than any of us and this year she's been so busy and distant.  I bet she feels so guilty.  We're a lot alike, me and her.

 

"I'll talk to her."

"I dunno Benj…"

"Joel, I HAVE to.  She's my sister."

"she's mine too!" he shot back.

"I'm…I gotta give it a shot."

***

"Benji, you're going home and seeing your wife and kids.  Don't argue with me!"  Josh laid into me.

"Josh, mom had anoth-"

"Benj, you are not staying here one more minute!" he almost sounded like mom.

 

I crossed my arms and sneered at him.  I could see Jeff inside mom's room at her bedside and I just saw red.

 

"C'mon, I'll take you home." Josh grabbed my arm.

"You don't need to escort me, Joshie!  I'm not going to make a scene."

"Benj…" Joel sighed.

"Whatever!" I walked ahead of them as we made our way to the elevators.

 

"Benji, don't act like this." Joel finished in the elevator.  "He's not…"

"Joel I don't wanna hear it.  I don't like him, I've NEVER liked him.  Self-righteous prick!" I rolled my eyes.

"Don't try arguing with him, you know our brother." Josh glared at me.

"I don't know what you guys are attacking me for." I shrugged.

"Because you're being a selfish brat, little brother!" Josh seethed.

 

I crossed my arms again and chewed my lip.  I followed Joel silently to his car.  I climbed in without a word to either him or Josh.  I didn't care if I was being a brat in their opinion.  I didn't like the guy and there was no rule that said I had to.

 

Joel drove too slow, because by the time I got home all the kids were awake.  I could tell.  I really wanted to slip into bed and maybe catch a few winks.  I hadn't realized how exhausted I was, but I had been up all night, and the night before that.  I barely waved goodbye to my brothers.  We could shrug it off later.

 

I had to put on my happy face, put on the same song and dance for the kiddos.  I hadn't seen them in a week, they deserved to see me smiling and laughing and come to think of it, Jessa deserved that too.  I walked quietly inside, peeling off my sweatshirt and tossing it on the sofa.  I could smell and hear breakfast cooking in the kitchen.

 

God, I was hungry and Jessa makes the best breakfast.

 

There she stood in the kitchen, her hair up in a messy slept on ponytail and wearing one of my made shirts.  She flipped a pancake and swept her hair away from her face.  I smiled.  Isabel was up on a stool carefully pouring orange juice into plastic cups.  Noah and Joel could be heard but I couldn't see them anywhere.

 

"Hi beautiful." I greeted Jessa.

 

She turned and grinned.  "Hi baby."  She leaned out and kissed me.

"Hiiii daddy"

"Hey Izzy." I leaned on the counter.  "Whatcha doin'?"

"You want some juice?" she held out a glass to me.

"But of course."  I grinned and whipped around the counter to sweep her off the stool and spin her around the room.

 

"DADDY?!" she screamed and giggled.

"Did you have sweet dreams, my love?" I asked her dramatically.

 

I spun her again and stopped when she frowned.  She shook her head.  I sat her back on the stool and looked at her concerned.  She went back to pouring the OJ.  I looked over at Jess.  She frowned at me.

 

"Iz woke up early with me to help me decide what to make for breakfast, huh, Izzy?"

"Yeah.  We went to the store, just me and mommy!" she added.

"Who watched the boys?" I asked, taking my concern from Isabel.

"Ben." Jess answered idly.

"Real-" I started.  Ben walked down the steps at the same moment.

 

"The boys are under the table again.  Hi dad." Ben headed to the cupboard, sticking his head inside and pulling out a box of golden grahams.

"Hi.  Mom's making breakfast, ya know."  I pointed to the pile of pancakes.

He rolled his eyes and sighed.  "I like cereal for breakfast."

 

I almost laughed.  "Are you my son, or Joel's?"

"So funny I forgot to laugh." Ben smirked and poured his cereal.

 

The boys were giggling under the table.  I could hear Noah shush Joel.  I smiled.

 

"Where are the boys?" I asked loudly and was met with more giggles.  Jessa smiled at me, Ben rolled his eyes, and Isabel covered her own fit of giggles.

 

"I don't see them anywhere…"  I pretended to look, smiling at the sounds of their laughter.  "Huh, I guess I'm hearing things.  I can't find a Joely or a Noah anywhere."

"BOO!" Noah jumped out.  Joel followed unable to say anything and instead just shrieked with laughter.

 

"OH!  Hello young man, have you seen my little boys?" I leaned down and asked Noah.

"I'm your little boy!" Noah told me quickly.

"Really?  Who's your sidekick?" I pointed at Joel.

"I'm Joely, dadda!"

"Are you my little boy too?" I asked innocently.

"Ima BIG BOY!" Joel affirmed.

"We're your kids." Noah looked at me seriously.

"I dunno…I think I need a big hug, so I can tell if you're really my kids." I opened my arms and both boys crowded into my shoulders as I enveloped them.  "Oh yeah, this is definitely my little Joely and little Noah."

 

I stood up and lifted the boys into their chairs at the table.  Jessa set the plates and forks on the table, Isabel and Ben following behind her with the glasses of OJ.

 

"I love pancakes!" Joel squealed, clapping his hands, as Jess served him one.

I sat down next to him and pulled a few onto my own plate.  "I love pancakes too Joel."

***

Benji had been home a few hours and he played with the boys for awhile, but he kept glancing at the phone.  I could see this bitter glare he'd toss over his shoulder at it.  Was he expecting Joel or Josh to call every ten seconds.  I'm sure they would call if something serious was going on.

 

He was sitting on the living floor with Joel and Noah pushing trucks around.  I loved watching him play with the boys, especially since I suspected he was into the dump trucks as much as Joel and Noah were.  Christmas shopping was always fun with Benji testing out the toys in the aisle.  I don't know how many noisy fire trucks I had to pull him away from.  I know he liked the sounds, but I needed my sanity and a 3-year-old wasn't going to miss what he didn't have.

 

Always full of energy, the boys crashed their trucks into each other and out came Joel's "amba-lence truck" to fix the owwies.  Benji was getting a little worn.  A few more glances at the phone with no rings, had him standing up and stretching.

 

"I'm getting a little tired boys."

"PLEASE! DADDA!" Joel cried.

"I'm sorry, Joely, my legs hurt." Benji explained plopping into an armchair.

"Momma!" Joel complained.  "Dadda won't play!"

"I can't make him, baby." I told him.  "Want me to play with you?"

"Okay." He pouted.

"What? I can't play trucks?"

"You be the fire guys." Noah handed me the shiny fire engine.

 

I took the truck and proceeded with a game that seemed to involve me getting pounded by a semi and a dump truck.  I looked over at Benji and shrugged, he mouthed a thanks back and fell back in the chair, fatigue apparent in his face.  I wanted to just hug him and make him feel better.  I frowned over at him.

 

Suddenly the phone started ringing and Benji lunged for it.  I watched him as he answered.  Everything in his body language said he was upset.  Said he was hurt.

 

"Yeah, so she's-…oh…" he sighed.  "No…that's okay…thanks Jeff…g'bye."

 

He hung up and dropped back to his former position.  I stood up, dropping the truck I was playing with.

 

"Benj…"

"I'm fine Jess."

"I'm going to make coffee" I suddenly announced.  Good job Jess, that's what we need.  Coffee.

 

Benji just kind of nodded and looked away, dropping his head into his hands.  The boys went back to playing right at Benji's feet.  Making a big mess of their toys and shrieking and laughing.  I was surprised Benji wasn't getting upset with all the noise.  Then again he did nothing but work in noise, it probably didn't get to him the same way.

 

As the coffee brewed and I watched the drip funnel into the pot, Noah came in and tugged on my shirt.

 

"What is it sweetie?"

"Can I have some cookies?" he asked, sweetly.

"Sure.  Why don't we get daddy some cookies too?" I smiled and turned to reach into the cabinet for the cookie jar.

 

"Be quiet, Joel, please!" I could hear Benji in the other room.  I quickly grabbed the cookies and started in.  Benji seemed really upset all of a sudden.

 

“Joel, please!”  Benji said again, firmly.

 

Joel continued to yell about his trucks and toys, lost in his own little world.  It wasn't his fault really.  He's a little boy and he doesn't understand.  Benji shut his eyes tight.

 

“Joel, please sit down and BE QUIET!” Benji half yelled.

 

Joel still wasn’t listening, he kept it up, yelling even louder and making his toys crash together.  Please Joel, just be quiet.  I walked forward, intent on taking Joel out of the room, or Benji.

 

“JOEL BENJAMIN MADDEN, SIT YOUR ASS DOWN AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!” Benji finally cracked.

 

Joel looked up quickly, dropping his truck and whimpering.  He looked at his feet, guiltily.  He didn’t even cry.  Benji looked at him angrily for a few seconds before I picked him up and started taking him upstairs.

 

"I…I'm sorry." Benji shut his eyes again and sat back down.  "I'm sorry."
***

After I put the kids in bed, I went back down into the living room.  Benji was still sitting on the couch with his head in his hands.  He was muttering to himself.  It made me hurt.  I hated seeing him like this.

 

“Benj?”

He looked up startled. “Oh, Jess.  I thought you went to bed?”

“I just put the kids to bed.”

“You don’t have to wait for me.”

 

“Benj…” I sat next to him.  “Don’t do this.”

“Do what?”

“Don’t shut me out now, please baby.”

“I just, Jess she’s…”

“Benji you don’t have to be alone now, please don’t do this.”

“Jessa I just want to be alo-“

“No!” I almost yelled at him.  “Benji, after the past few months, you really wanna deal with this alone?  After the last week, after we talked about being partners and friends and everything, you want to be alone?”

 

He just looked at me, with this broken look.  I hugged him.

 

“Baby, I love you.  You don’t have to do this alone.  You have me, remember.”  I whispered against him.  He fell into my embrace.  “Remember, we’re in this together?”

“I know, Jess.” He sighed, he fighting tears.  He broke my heart sometimes.

“Baby, stop, it’s gonna be alright.” I rubbed his back.

“Uh huh.” He breathed in deep again.  I could feel his tears on my shirt.

 

I nudged him up, so I could look in his eyes.  They were all red and the brown color was more green than ever.  I frowned and leaned in to kiss him.  He pulled me closer to him as I kissed him, kissing back and forcing more passion into it.  I pulled back and looked at him.

 

“Thanks Jess.” I nodded.  “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry.”

“I don’t wanna ruin what we have again.” He sighed.  “I just…I’m scared and I don’t know how not to do it alone.”

I smiled at him.

 

“I need you, okay.”

“Baby, I know that, of course you ne-“

“No, I NEED you, Jessa.” He looked seriously at me.  “I need you to, to, to take care of me.  I need you to tell me you love me and…”

I put my finger to his lips and kissed him.  “I love you.  I don’t want you to feel so hopeless babe.  They’re taking care of her and she’s going to be okay.  Don’t forget that you have me, and Ben and Iz and Noh and Joel…and the baby, Benj, don’t forget about the baby.”

 

A smile started on his lips, he bit his lip and shut his eyes.

 

“The baby.” He repeated and opened his eyes to smile at me.

 

I smiled back.  “Let’s go to bed, Benj.”

“Alright.”

***

It was Benji's crying that work me up.  He was tossing and turning and when I turned on the lamp I could see he had broken a sweat.

 

"Benji!" I shook him.  He didn't wake up. "Benji!"

"What? Huh?" he sat up.  "Are you okay, Jessa!?"

"Are YOU okay?" I asked him, rubbing his arm.

"I…it must have been a nightmare." He shook his head.

"About what?"

"I dreamt that…" he stared at me.  "Nothing nevermind."

"Benji, just tell me"

"Jess…I…I don't…I really don't want to."

"Are you alright?  You were sweating and crying." I looked at him concerned.

"I'm okay now, I promise."

"Benj-"

"I swear Jess…maybe I'll tell you later…"

 

"Was it about me?"

"Later Jess…" he shrugged.  "I need a glass of water."

 

I sighed.  It was obviously really bad, and it was obviously about me or about the kids.  I don't know why he had to hide it.  It was a dream.  A nightmare.  He used to have bad dreams where he killed me or I left him, but he always told me about those, because they were just dreams I could hug him and hold him and make them disappear.

 

I laid back down, pulling the covers around me.  I really didn't want to.  I wanted to follow him downstairs and coax him into telling me.  But I didn't want to see him cry, I didn't want to make him upset, and I didn't want to push him into anything right now.  I wanted him to come to me and need me.

 

"Jess?" he came back into the room, I could feel him climbing back into the bed with me.  "are you still awake?"

"I'm here." I turned towards him and was met with a passionate perfect kiss.

"I love you."

"I love you too." I smiled, blushing.

"Jess…I…I had a bad dream." He breathed in sharply.

"Aww, it's okay, baby…it was only a dream." I soothed, putting my hand on his back. "Just a dream."

***

"Ok, I really gotta get going before Alex calls me again." Jessa pulled her bag over her shoulder and adjusted her sunglasses.  "Are you gonna be okay?"

"Of course." I nodded, topping it off with a smile. 

"Well just call me…if…I mean, just call me, okay?" she sighed.

"We'll all be fine.  Have fun doing commentary."

 

She laughed.  "Oh yeah, you know how I love to talk about myself."

"Ben!" I called.  "Mom's leaving."

"I'm coming!"  he yelled back.

 

"God, I just had to get my bag." He scoffed when he reached the bottom of the steps.

 

Jessa was going to DC to do commentary for the new DVD and film spots for the commercials with the actors.  Ben was going along, with Courtnie and some other kid I didn't know very well.  They were gonna shop and hang out at the mall.  It was just gonna be me and the kiddos all afternoon.

 

"Have fun, Ben, and please don't spend your money on crap."

He rolled his eyes.  "Yeah, yeah"

"I mean it, if you come back here with another piece of plastic barf, I swear I'm…"

"No, next time I'll just actually throw up." Ben rolled his eyes.

"Alright, just promise your dad." Jessa stepped in, rolling her eyes at me behind his back.

"I promise, sir" he mock saluted as I gave him a hug.  "Now can I get in the car before you swallow her tongue in front of me?"

 

I pushed him along out the door.  I smiled at Jess, as I leaned in and gave her a kiss.  She grinned back, "Bye, baby."

"Bye." I responded.  "Kiddos, come say bye to mom!"

 

The rest of the kids came down the stairs nearly falling over each other.  Jessa soon left, and not one of them cried or threw a fit.  Either I was getting better at this fatherhood thing or they were just growing up.  Either way it was a good thing.  I didn't have an uphill battle to face today; make some lunch, watch some cartoons, color some pictures, kids were easy, not rocket science.

 

We weren't even alone an hour before I heard.

 

"DADDY!!!!!!!" Isabel screamed at the top of her lungs.

 

I didn't like the sound of it and raced up the stairs finding her on her knees in her bedroom towering over something on the floor.

 

"What happened baby?"

"Sn-sn-snickerdoodle is d-d-dead." She sobbed.

"What?" I looked ahead of her at her tiny lifeless goldfish.  "Oh sweetie, it's okay.  It happens all the time."

"But how did he escape?" she rubbed her red eyes.

"Escape?" I raised my eyebrows.

"He was on the floor.  Was he trying to get free?"

 

This didn't make sense. I could believe the poor little thing would just die, Iz was feeding it too much anyway, but out of the tank?  No way, not on it's own little flippers.  I had a strong feeling one of the boys had decided to play with it or something weird little boys did.

 

"C'mon baby, let's give Snickerdoodle a funeral."  I scooped up the fish with the little net from his tank.

"A funeral?"

"It's when you get to say your last goodbyes."  I explained, now was a good a time as any to teach them about death.  "Let's get your brothers."

 

Noah and Joel were playing with colorful plastic trucks when we came in the bedroom.  Well Joel was, Noah was on his stomach scribbling in his sketchbook. 

 

"Hey guys, Snickerdoodle has…he died and we're gonna have a funeral so come on." I motioned. 

"Okay daddy." Joel stood up on his chubby legs and grinned.  He was so cute.  All my kids were cute.  Way cuter than Joel's boys.

 

We went into the bathroom, I mean he was a fish, what was I supposed to do with him.

 

"We're flushing Snicker-d-doodle down the toilet!" Isabel wailed.

"Well…sweetie..he…"

"Can we put him in the creek?" she asked tearfully.

I rubbed her shoulder.  "Ok, Iz, we can take him to the creek.  C'mon guys, follow me."

 

All four of us stood out on the edge of the water, right on the bend, where the sun was shining, which Isabel assured me is where snickerdoodle would like to spend his afterlife.  That is, if fish have an afterlife.

 

"So what do we do?" Noah looked up at me.

"Well, we say some good memories about snickerdoodle and then we put him in the water."

"And put flowers?" Isabel asked.  She had both Noah and Joel holding little bouquets of daisies and dandelions.

"Yes, and put flowers." I explained.  "Now, since Snickerdoodle was your pet, I think you should go first."

 

"Okay…" Izzy started reluctantly.  "Daddy, I don't know what to say"

"Okay, I'll go first." I ahemmed.  "Snickerdoodle, I'll always remember the way you liked fishy flakes and the way you made kissies faces at the glass.  I'll miss you."

"Ok, I'll go now." Isabel began.  "Snickerdoodle was a good fishy, who liked to swim in my room.  He liked his castle and the plastic seaweed.  Um…he didn't like Sam, but I don't like Sam either.  I'm gonna miss h-him s-soooo m-much!"

 

I hugged her shoulders and kissed her forehead. Joel and Noah had both spontaneously burst into tears.  "We'll miss you Sn-snickerdoodle!" they both sobbed.

 

I got down on my knees and dropped the net into the water, letting his little lifeless body, float in the water, hoping to god, he'd sink in a few minutes.  Isabel dropped her flowers over him first, followed by Joel and then Noah.

 

"Bye, Sn-snickerdoodle."

***

 

 

"Beautifully Broken" Ashlee Simpson from the album I Am Me