Chapter Five “Whatever It Takes”
All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place while we still have time.
You wanna take a ride?
Get out of this place while we still have time.
Yeah we still have time.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you
Work and play they're never ok
To mix the way we do
All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place while we still have time.
You wanna take a ride?
Get out of this place while we still have time.
Yeah we
still have time.
“EWWWWWWWWWWWW!” Isabel ran across
the big tiled kitchen.
“Geez, mom, do you wash your hair in here?” I
said sitting up and holding out the glob of hair and junk from the kitchen
drain and tossing it in the bucket nearby.
“I don’t know, honestly, Ben.” She shook her
head.
I laid back down and
continued fiddling with the clogged pipe.
“Are you fixing it?”
“No, I just like collecting the gunk from the
drain.” I rolled my eyes.
“Benj, don’t talk to
momma like that.” I could hear Joel.
“Why don’t you have
a garbage disposal mom, I swear…” I
muttered, but no one was listening.
“Hey, mom, can you watch Nate for a little
bit?”
“Why of course.” She obliged. “C’mere my itty bitty
little boy.”
“Mom, Joel is a grown man,” I joked.
“Hey Benj,” I could see Joel’s face looking
down through the sink drain. “I know how
to turn the water back on, so you’d better watch it.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“Yes, I would.”
I rolled my eyes and continued working. What a way to spend your Saturday afternoon,
fixing your mom’s sink. Not only any Saturday but Fourth of July, no less. Still I was getting rewarded,
we were having a barbecue and watching the fireworks. The kids were all running around out back
with Josh and Sophie. Jessa and Alex ran
to the store for some last minute items.
Sarah didn’t answer the phone all week, which worried me, but then she
called last night, saying that they were going to the
It felt good to be doing something normal. The past couple of weeks had been pretty
rough, but I think the space was doing Jess and I some good. Maybe all we needed was some time to
ourselves.
“Daddy!” Isabel screamed, I could hear the tears dripping off her voice.
“What is it Iz?” I asked concerned.
“Make the boys shut up!” she yelled.
“What?”
“They’re calling me names.” She explained,
tearfully.
“Aww.” I slid out from
under the sink and sat up, knocking my head against the cabinet.
“FUCK!”
blood rushed to my forehead and it immediately
swelled.
“Daddy!” Isabel scolded.
“Sorry.” I grinned wearily, tears springing
from my eyes.
“Are you crying daddy?” Iz looked at me concerned.
“I banged my head pretty good.” I rubbed it.
I stood up, shutting my eyes tight at the
searing pain through my skull. I hobbled
around gripping the counter. God that hurt.
“Are you okay, daddy?”
“I dunno.”
I sat at the kitchen table, shutting my eyes tight.
“Awww.” She leaned over and
kissed my forehead.
My head was still throbbing, but I
smiled. I kissed her cheek. “Thanks baby girl.”
“You’re welcome, daddy.” She grinned.
“So which boys were making fun of you?” I asked as I rubbed my sore head.
“Sam!” she put on her hurt face again. “He called me a buttface and a my little pony head.
But I LIKE my little pony daddy!”
“I know you do, baby.” Little
brat. I got up slowly, but my
head didn’t throb like before. Maybe my
baby’s kisses were magical.
“SAM!” I called when I was out the door.
“What?!” he yelled.
“C’mere!”
He tramped over, rolling his eyes when he saw
Isabel standing next to me. He promptly
crossed his arms.
“I didn’t do nothing!”
he sneered.
“Sam, Iz told me you called her names.”
“I did not!”
“Yes, you did! You called me Buttface!”
“That’s cause you
ARE a buttface!”
I cannot believe these kids took baths
together and shared a playpen.
“Hey, hey! Guys, knock it
off!” I yelled. “Sam, apologize to Isabel right now, or I’m
gonna tell your dad.” I was gonna tell him anyway, but Sam didn’t need to know
that.
“FINE!” Sam stormed. “Sorry Izzy.”
“And you’re not gonna to call her names
anymore right?”
“I guess so.”
“Sam!”
“Okay, I won’t call her names.” He uncrossed his arms and ran back out on the
lawn.
“Dumb boys. I hope I have a sister!” Isabel pouted and went
to play with her little brothers at the end of the deck.
I hope she gets a sister too. I’d love to have another little girl. Not that my boys weren’t great. Girls and boys were just different to raise. If I got to be
a daddy again, I wanted to have another daughter, even if my only reason is so
Iz doesn’t have to be the only girl.
***
Alex and I headed into our favorite coffee
shop in town, mostly because it was still open during the holiday. It’d been a while since we’ve hung out
together, without kids or husbands.
“You know who emailed me the other day?” Alex looked over at me.
“Who?”
“Mark.”
“My ex-agent mark?”
“Yeah, huh. He asked if I was
interested in joining the “firm” he called it, again.”
“Did you tell him hell no, we’re indie now.”
“Ha, I knew he want me back again.” She smirked.
“Well of course, you’re the best one out
there, you’re a
sweet talker and a bitch, you get shit handled.”
“Thank you, thank you very much.” She bowed a
little. “After what happened
you’d think he’d stay away though. But
he said he was so impressed by the way your careers been going. That you seem to get the perfect press.”
“I’m too boring to get bad press. I live in the middle of nowhere with 4 kids,
what are they gonna write about? Me waking up late?”
“Well he said they’ve been planning on a
“Our product—“
“You haven’t forgotten about it have you?”
“Well no, but…I dunno, do you think we could
really…”
“Jess, of course we can. You’ve got the practical sense, I’ve got the
savvy and we have lots of money.”
I shrugged.
We’d been talking about it a little last year. It would be nice to fund my own projects, to
give that opportunity to other screenwriters and directors who might get passed
over by
“Well, look, if you don’t want to, we can
continue working with the big guys.”
“I don’t know what I want anymore.” I sighed
as we reached the front of the line. “I
want Benji to talk to me.”
She gave me this look, but was distracted by
the barista asking for her order. He
remembered us, but I really couldn’t remember the last time we were in
here. We were always pregnant or
busy. Yet, somehow he happened to know I
liked my ice blended coffee with extra caramel and whipped cream on the top and
bottom.
“Oh, better make it decaf as well.” I added.
I wasn’t supposed to have caffeine.
I wasn’t supposed to have coffee period, but I couldn’t resist.
He raised a penciled eyebrow but nodded. What a little queer. I bet he knew me from the rags not from
coming in here before. He’s probably
gonna tell all his girlfriends how he served me on the 4th of july. At least
someone would have a memorable holiday.
We paid and got our drinks, walking out into
the insane humidity towards her car.
“So, what was that about Benji.”
I shook my head. “Nevermind.’
“Jess?”
I shrugged and sucked down some coffee. She didn’t push as we got in the car. Maybe it was better if I talked about it, but
I don’t think I really wanted to admit how truly unhappy we were. The last thing I wanted to do today was cry
in front of my (his) family. I didn’t
want everyone to know about how we never talk.
And how he ignores me. And how tense I get when
I’m around him. Like I didn’t know him.
We kept fairly quiet for the ride back to momma’s, but I could feel Alex looking at me every few
minutes. I kept my face forward and my
mouth shut. Just thinking about it was
making me want to cry, but I was determined not to. I keep my mouth attached to the straw.
After what felt like a 4 day car ride we got
to momma’s. We
got out of the car and walked around the back to get the groceries.
“So he doesn’t talk to you at all?” Alex suddenly asked.
I finished sucking on my straw with a
sigh. I might as well. “Not really, nothing more than necessary.”
“But he thinks everything’s fine?” Alex
stared incredulously.
“I don’t know what he—”
“Want me to take that?” Joel slid in between Alex and I, taking the case of soda in his arms. “Hi baby.” He kissed his wife on the cheek.
I winced.
I wish Benji’s kisses felt genuine.
The way they used to feel. The past week and a half everything felt,
well, weird. Benji refused to talk about
it with me. I’d bring it up and he’d change the subject. We didn’t talk at all really. We’d get up, get dressed, go off to work or
whatever else with nothing more than ‘morning’ ‘Bye babe,’ followed by weak meaningless kisses
that killed me.
I really just wanted him to hug me and kiss
me. Rub my back, hold my hand. But he wasn’t doing those things. It wasn’t
making anything better, it was making it that much
worse. Joel ran up to me as I walked the
path to the front door.
“Momma, Uncle Josh is gonna make
hammaburgers.”
“That’s awesome Joely, where’s daddy?” I
asked.
“I dunno.” He headed back into the
house. I followed him in, carrying bags
of groceries.
“Hey why’re you carrying all that?” Benji
spotted me as I came into the kitchen.
He had a big bump on his head, wonder where that came from. He took the bags from me and kissed my
cheek. He obviously missed the look on
my face. Missed it or ignored it.
“Someone’s gotta do it.” I deadpanned.
Benji started rifling through the bags. We went shopping so we could all barbecue,
but I really didn’t want to. I was just
in this permanent bad mood. I wanted to
crawl in bed and block out the sun.
“Feeling okay, Jess?” Joel looked me up and
down. I was glaring at Benji as he
picked out the bags of chips and cookies and hadn’t even realized it.
“Oh yeah, I’m super.” I answered
sarcastically. Benji threw me a look, at
least he noticed this time.
“Hey, are you drinking coffee?” he was
probably restraining himself from tossing it in the garbage. “You know you shouldn’t Jessa”
“Yeah, I know that” It wasn’t worth some stupid
argument. I took my coffee and retreated
to the living room, suddenly wanting to be invisible.
I shut my eyes as I walked over. My children’s shrieks and
yells echoing in my head. Josh and Sophie outside playing with them, yelling at the top of
their voices.
“Jessa!” Momma descended on
me. I looked up from my chair and she
was standing above me with Nate in her arms.
“Hi.”
I didn’t hide my emotions, but she didn’t really notice, or like her
son, chose not to.
“Wanna take Nate? I think I’ll get him a bottle.”
“Yeah, why not?” I set my cup on the
table and leaned up to take the little baby boy in my arms.
She bustled out of the room. I cradled my nephew in my arms and he peered
up at me with these wide brown eyes. My
face quickly became a smile. He was
adorable, with his little mess of dark brown hair and already freckly cheeks.
“Hi, Nate.” I rocked him gently. I thought about my little baby inside. Next week we were going for our first doctor’s
visit. It was strangely exciting. It felt like this was the beginning of
something. As exciting as when we went
for the first visit with Isabel. Like
this was a new experience.
Maybe we were starting over.
***
“Isn’t he the cutest?”
“Yeah.” Josh smiled down at
Nate nestled in my arms. “He looks just
like Joel.”
“I know, dude.”
“Would you hens stop clucking and come over
here and eat!” Sophie rolled her eyes.
We laughed at each other and I laid Nate carefully back in his bassinet.
We walked out onto the porch and grabbed
plates, piling them high with greasy American food.
“Soph we should have a baby.” Josh told her.
She laughed, pointing at me. “Maybe we can just have yours. You have enough, dontcha Benj?”
“Very funny.” I smirked.
“Oh c’mon Jess, why don’t you let us take you off the hook.”
“Oh, you’re going to carry it?” Jessa almost
sounded serious.
“I wasn’t trying to make a joke you know,
Sophie” Josh
sounded slightly offended.
Sophie gave him this look. “No ring, no babies.” She shrugged.
He grunted and rolled his eyes and I wanted
to be on my brother’s side, but I could see her point. They’d been together almost as long as Jess
and I, but Sophie refused to move in without a ring and it looks like she
refused a few other things until Josh wanted to be serious. It was his own
fault.
“Okay, no fighting…it’s a holiday!” Joel
warned. I smirked. It was funny how we always kept that with
us. No fighting on holidays. We should make pins or something.
I settled next to Jessa and she sighed. I wished she wouldn’t. I wished she’d smile at me with those eyes
and rub my shoulder playfully with hers.
I sighed too. No fighting on
holidays. This sucked.
“Daddy, look!” Noah shouted.
I laughed.
All four of my kids had plastic spoons attached to their noses. Jessa giggled and we looked at each other,
simultaneously grabbing plastic spoons and trying to stick them to our
noses. Josh, Sophie, Joel, Alex and my
mom all stared at us and slowly starting laughing. Pretty soon the whole family had spoons on
their noses or had attempted to.
That changed the mood around real fast. We were talking and laughing and maybe Jess
wasn’t looking at me, but things still felt okay. I felt good laughing with my brothers and my
kids.
After we all ate too much, the kids settled
with cookies at the end of the deck. Rolled up in my mom’s knit blankets, waiting for the fireworks, but
ready for bed. I sat and stared
at them. Jess and I were going to the
first prenatal visit next week and I felt nervous. As if I wasn’t a father already and we were
teenagers heading down to the free clinic.
Maybe when we go there, this blah would
disappear. We’ll realize how good we are
together. We’ll understand that when
we’re together we’re perfect and when we’re apart we’re nothing. That together we are
everything.
“Benji?” My mom called me
over to her.
“Yeah?”
“I want to talk to you…privately.”
She led me away from everyone, inside the
kitchen. She shut the door quietly
behind her.
“Something wrong?” I asked.
“I think you know the answer to that.” She
looked me in the eye.
“What?
Mom…”
“Benji, you and Jessa are not okay.”
“We’re fi—“
“You are not fine, at least she isn’t. Look at her.”
I sighed.
There was no way getting around it.
I couldn’t pretend I didn’t see it.
She was absolutely right. We
weren’t okay. Who knows if it was ever going to be okay.
But I didn’t know how to fix it. I thought Jessa needed some time, some
space. The last thing I wanted to do was
argue about something stupid again and make it worse.
“Haven’t you talked to her honey?” She rubbed my shoulder.
“Well…I mean...kind of.” I shrugged,
guiltily. “I don’t want to make it
worse.”
“And how is talking going to make it worse?”
“Because all we ever do is argue!” I threw my hands up in the air angrily.
“Maybe you need some time alone…” she
suggested.
“That’s what were doing mom.” I explained,
defensively.
“Alone with Jessa.” She finished. “Just you and her.”
“And how are we ever gonna get that to
happen.”
“That’s the beauty of family sweetheart. I can watch the kids for as long as you need
me to.”
“Really?”
“What are grama’s
for?”
I smirked.
“It’s summer, take her to the beach.” Momma
suggested.
“Maybe.” I shrugged. I wondered if she’d say no if I asked her.
“Honey…one of you has to move first. She’s probably waiting for you.”
I loved my mom, being so supportive of me and
my marriage. Being so
positive when I was so pessimistic.
I hugged her.
“Oh Ben.”
“I love you, momma” I kissed her forehead.
“Promise me you are going to talk to Jessa
soon, honey.”
“I promise.” I gave her another kiss.
I turned to leave, feeling more than a little
better about life in general.
“Ben?” she tugged my arm.
“Yeah?”
“I haven’t congratulated you on being a
father again.” She smiled broadly.
I laughed and shook my head. I was, I was gonna
be a father again. It was amazing, that
I was so blessed with this. I let her
hug me all over again.
“I’m gonna be a daddy.”
“I’m gonna be a grama for the 10th
time!” she exclaimed. I laughed again.
I felt giddy all of a sudden. It was like reality was hitting me for the
first time. We were gonna get to go
through all the trimesters again; and the cravings (and the sizes); and the
sympathy pains. I was so happy. So excited.
“Thanks mom.” I squeezed her.
“Anytime, Benjamin. You know you always have me.”
“I know, momma, I know.”
I grabbed a handful of cookies and a glass of
milk and walked back outside. Jess was watching
the kids from the patio table. She was
resting her chin in her hands, she looked so depressed. I gave myself a mini pep-talk and walked
towards her.
“This seat taken?” I asked.
She looked up at me and shrugged. “Sure.”
I sidled up next to her, she thankfully
didn’t protest. I set the glass down and
unwrapped the cookies from the napkin.
“Wanna share?” she asked looking at me as if
convinced I would say no.
“Sure.” I smirked, pushing some cookies
across to her. She smiled as she
accepted.
She munched on a cookie, dunking it in the
milk first.
“Are you crumbing up my milk, Jess?”
“Oh what are you gonna do about it?” she
rolled her eyes playfully.
“Not share my cookies.” I pulled them towards
me like a 4 year old.
“Benj!” she dropped her jaw.
“No crumbs in the milk!” I told her.
“Oh yeah?” she smirked at me and she stole a
cookie from me before I could react, dunking in the milk again. She stuck her tongue out at me before
sticking the cookie in her mouth. “Comb
an’ geddit!” she teased, mouth full of cookie.
I reacted quickly and kissed her, not minding
her cookie transferring into my mouth.
She didn’t resist, in fact, she pushed further.
I smiled at her when we broke the kiss. She smiled back at me. She reached out and rubbed a piece of wet
cookie off my lips, still just staring right back at me.
“Momma, Dadda! FIREWORKS!!” Joel
shouted from the end of the porch.
I looked up and saw the red, blue, and green
filling the night sky.
“C’mon, Jess,
fireworks!” I grabbed her hand and lead her towards the kids and the rest
of the family. We stood there together,
all of us, transfixed with the explosions.
I wrapped my arm around Jessa’s shoulder as we watched and she leaned
against me. I squeezed her shoulder and
leaned right up against her too.
***
I felt confused. What was that on the deck? What we had on the deck was something that
hadn’t happened in so long. It made me
feel so relieved that the love we shared wasn’t gone. It was just hiding under a few layers of
dirt. It made me sad too. Guilty.
I kept looking over at Benji as he drove
home. He kept his eyes on the road, he always concentrated so hard when he drove. It was kinda funny. It was kinda cute. But it meant I couldn’t hold any meaningful conversation
with him in the car. So as the kids
dozed in the back seat I fiddled with the radio dial and watched Benji.
The kids were exhausted and were all
practically asleep by the time we got home.
I lead Ben, Iz and Noah up the stairs and Benji carried Joel, who would
not wake up. I got the others in bed,
before Benj made it all the way up the stairs.
Joel was wiggling around as he slept in his father’s arms. He grimaced at me as he made his way up the
stairs and into the boys’ room.
I quietly snuck to the edge of the door to
watch him tuck Joel in. He got down on
his knees to kiss his forehead and smile down at his son. He loved it so much. It made me feel so wrong for the way I
acted. Because I felt the same way he
did. I loved being a mom as much as
Benji loved being a dad and this baby was another chance to prove that.
I turned and went into our bedroom I was so mad at myself. This was all my
fault. If I could have just been normal
about this none of this would have happened.
We still be totally on each others side. These lines wouldn’t even be drawn. I wish this would all go away.
I heard Benji he sigh and yawn as he came
into the bedroom.
“Jess?” he shut the door behind him.
“What?”
I stared at him.
“Um…how are you?”
“Okay…what?” I kept staring at him.
“I just…we should talk.”
“Oh, so now you wanna talk to me?” I
shrugged. “Do you realize it’s been
twelve days, Benj? TWELVE! You would barely say two words to me, I felt
so…neglected…and alone.”
He stood there looking shocked at me.
“Isn’t this what you wanna talk about?”
“I thought I was doing the right thing,
Jess.” He almost cried, I could hear it.
“The right thing?!”
“I thought you wanted space, Jess, I…I didn’t
want…I don’t know. I didn’t want to hurt
you any more, I thought maybe you didn’t WANT to talk
to me.” He sighed sadly.
“But I tried to talk to you.”
“I know…I…I’m sorry.” He looked into my eyes
and I saw it written all over his face.
“baby…”
Maybe it was my hormones, but I was 10
seconds from tears. I know he saw it in
my eyes because his face fell into a frown.
“Oh, Jess, don’t.” he swiped his thumb across
my cheek and hugged me tightly. “I’m
sorry.”
“I c-can’t help it.” I sobbed uncontrollably into his shoulder and
hugged him back. His scent overcame me,
he felt so good and warm. He rubbed my
back. The world was instantaneously
better in his arms, I wish I could make him understand
that.
“Shhh.” He soothed.
“I think we need some more time alone.”
I sucked in some of my tears and looked up at
him. “What do you mean?”
“We need to get away, get a change of
scenery. We’re always preoccupied with
something else, or we find work to hide in.
We need to just…figure everything out.”
“Well, where are we supposed to go?”
“Take a trip, together…be
alone, like we used to be.”
He smiled at me and wiped my hair off my
face. I couldn’t help but smile back.
“My mom offered to take the kids. We could leave for a weekend or a week,
whatever Jess.” He explained.
“We’re supposed to go away for a week?”
He looked at me again. “Whatever it takes, baby. This is more important than anything else
right now.”
“You really mean that?”
“Of course I do, Jess. Us is what always
matters to me.” He explained and hugged me, closing his eyes. “I love you, so much more than you know.”
***
“Work”, Jimmy Eat World from the album, Futures