Chapter Four  “When It Hurts So Bad”

Can you forgive me again

I don't know what I said

But I didn't mean to hurt you

 

I heard the words come out

I felt that I would die

It hurts so much to hurt you

 

Then you look at me

You're not shouting anymore

You're silently broken

 

I'd give anything now

To kill those words for you

 

Each time I say something I regret

I cry, I don't want to lose you

But somehow I know that you will never leave me

 

Cause you were made for me

Somehow I'll make you see

How happy you make me

I can't live this life

Without you by my side

I need you to survive

 

So stay with me

You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside

That I'm sorry

 

And you forgive me again

You're my one true friend

And I never meant to hurt you

 

 

 

"No wait…I swear…I, please Jess!" I cried, but she locked herself in our bathroom.

 

What was wrong with me?  Seriously. something was wrong with me if I wanted to hit my pregnant wife.  Something was wrong with me if I wanted to hit my non-pregnant wife.  Something was wrong with me if I wanted to hit my wife, period.  Who was I?  My dad?

 

I knocked my head against the door a few times, little tears starting to fall from my eyes.  I pounded my hand against the door.  Oh God what have I done, please let me fix it.

 

"Jess…Jessa?"

"What?" she was crying I could tell.

"Open the door Jess.  I'm sorry, I'm really, really, sorry."

"Sorry doesn't change anything."

"I know that, please…" I didn't know what I was gonna say.  What could I say?  “Jessa!” I pounded on the door.

“Yeah bang on the door, asshole, that’s gonna make me open it!’

“Baby, please…”

“Go away Benji.”

“No, ba-“

“GO AWAY!” she screamed. 

 

I slumped backwards and sat on the bed.  Holy fucking god, I can’t believe I just did what I did.  This was really happening?  I was right, this is a vicious cycle.  I was going to become my father, and Ben was going to become me and nothing was ever ever going to make it stop.  I felt so helpless.  I grabbed a shirt out of my drawer, put it on, and took the phone off it’s base.

 

I pounded on Ben’s door and didn’t wait for him to open it, I just went inside.

 

“Here, order a pizza for your brothers and sister.” I handed him the phone and took two twenty dollar bills from my wallet and tossed them at him.  He gaped at me.  “Keep the change.”

 

I took off again and went downstairs into the basement, slamming the door behind me.  Tears were already rolling down my face.  I slammed the door to the laundry room and kicked it.  I picked up the first thing I could find, which was a flower vase on the desk, and threw it on the floor, letting it smash to bits.

 

“FUCK!” I screamed. “FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!”

***

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

 

The only thing going through my mind was the way it felt when Benji hit me.  How he was so strangely disconnected.  The strong alcohol breath, the stinging feeling when he struck the same place again.  His hands holding me down, holding my neck.  Feeling so fucking helpless.

 

I cried harder.  He swore he would never ever hurt me again.  I swore I would never let him.

 

I hadn’t thought about that in so long.  It was a distant memory of a time when Benji needed help, but we got through that hadn’t we?  I thought we had, but this made it feel like it was yesterday.  It made it feel like the 10 years between then and now hadn’t gotten by at all, it made all the happy times feel meaningless. 

 

“God, Benj, why?” I sobbed.  I sat on the floor, curled into the corner, by the tub and the door.

***

I could feel it inching up my throat and I crawled back up on my knees to puke again.  It didn’t help that my whole body hurt.  I could feel the bruises every time I moved.  As I retched I felt the muscles in my back screaming.  I spit one last time and fell back to my spot on the floor of Benji’s bathroom, banging my head slightly.

 

“Ow, fuck!” I sobbed.  “Goddamn you, you fucking bastard.”

 

The cool tile felt nice against my cheek and I was so tired, but I couldn’t sleep.  My everything hurt so bad.  My head, from the alcohol; my stomach, from the flu; my body, because of Benji; my heart…my heart was broken in my chest.  I did nothing but love him.  And when I thought about him now, deep down inside, I still had nothing but love.   Yet, nearly 2 hours ago, he threw me around his couch and tried to fuck me, and I hated him for doing that to me.  I hated him for hurting me when I loved him.

 

I couldn’t hear him downstairs, but I guessed he was sleeping it off.  He sat there across the couch wincing at my forming bruises and saying he’s sorry, telling me he didn’t mean it, and begging me please not to leave him.  If my body didn’t hurt so fucking bad I would have left.  I would have called the cops too, and told everyone that my boyfriend beat me.

 

My tears began to make the tile slippery beneath me.  I lifted my head, trying to ignore the feeling in my neck when I did it.  I slowly climbed up and leaned against the counter.  I took a deep breath, trying to forget the pain.  I caught sight of myself in the mirror, my t-shirt torn, no pants, my lip purple and huge.

 

“Fuck!” I cried at my reflection.

 

I padded my way to the bedroom, warily looking at Benji’s big bed.  I needed to sleep and I couldn’t sleep on that floor.  I would have to sleep on his bed.  We fucked in this bed for the first time together.  I could remember it so well.  The way he held me close and kissed my forehead and told me he loved me.  I could feel it then all the way into his soul that he meant that, that he LOVED me.  It killed me, because it was a lie.  It all was.

 

All I had to do was make it through tonight and I would be okay.  I was gonna get away from him and this. I took a pair of his boxers out and slipped them on, before climbing into his bed.  I curled myself into a ball.  Was this my fault?  Joel warned me, he told me not to come here and look what happened?

 

I cried myself to sleep, Benji never came up again.  I didn’t see him all night, and it felt wrong, but I almost wanted too.  I just wanted the real Benji back, or at least the fake one that loved me, and held me.  I wanted him to kiss away my tears and tell me how much he loved me.

***

“Jessa, honey” I could hear Benji’s mom on the other side of the door.  “Sweetheart open the door”

 

Oh great, I totally forgot she was coming over.  I forgot everything.  I shook my memory away.

 

“It’s okay, just…just go.”  I said through the door.

“Sweetie.”

“I’m okay, Robin.”

“Jessa, I know you aren’t why don’t you come out here and we’ll talk about it.”

 

Talk about it, I didn’t wanna talk about it.  Talk about the big hypocrite Benji was scolding his sons for hitting each other, punishing them for calling their sister derogatory things and then throwing the same thing back at his own wife.  Is this what I get for lying?  For being selfish about this?  I deserve to be put through this torture…again.

 

After time healed old wounds, and Benji worked so hard to be a good man, and how we helped each other, I thought that things would be different for us, that we weren’t doomed to become our parents.  I thought, we really loved each other and we wanted it to work.  We tried to be compassionate and considerate of each other, we tried really hard to be patient and work through our problems.  And now we’re exploding like pins to balloons.  This wasn’t fair.

 

“Honey…”

I opened the door and brushed past her, sure she saw my red rimmed eyes.

“Oh Jessa, what happened?”

“Nothing…it was nothing Robin.”

“Sweetheart believe me I…”

“I DON’T wanna talk about it.” I turned to her and glared.

“Well, fine.”

 

I walked out of the room and into the boys room where Ben was sitting with the boys, Noah simply crying his eyes out.  Robin followed me.

 

“Oh, baby, don’t cry.” I went and picked him up.

“It was scary, momma” he sobbed.

“I’m sorry baby.”  I rocked him and I looked down at Joel who just burst into tears, clawing the hem of my shirt.

“I’m s-s-s-sooooo saddddd” he cried and wiped snot on my shirt.

 

It broke my heart.  I couldn’t stand them like this.  Ben was staring at me.  What was I supposed to say?  ‘It’s alright?’  I didn’t know if it was alright.  It didn’t feel alright.

 

“Boys…”

“What’s going on mom?” Ben asked, looking like a startled, confused, little boy.  He was just as scared as Joel and Noah.

I shook my head.  “I don’t know…but…but I don’t want you guys to be scared or sad okay?  I love you, I’m ALWAYS gonna love you and dad is always gonna love you too, I swear.”

 

“Where’s Isabel?”

Ben shrugged.

 

“Iz?” I called, setting Noah down and going back into the hallway.  I heard Robin start to talk to the boys as I walked away.  “Iz?” I went into her room.

 

She was lying on her bed, with the pillow over her head.

 

“Baby?”  I lifted the pillow and she kept pulling it on top of her.  “Isabel, sweetie, stop it.”

“Why were you yelling?” she brought the pillow down and looked at me.

I smiled weakly.  “Oh, baby, don’t be scared.  It’s over now.”

“Do you hate each other?”

God, I hated what we were doing to them.  “No, sweetie, no.”

 

She just frowned at me.  Why did they all have to look just like him?  Everytime I looked into my children’s eyes all I saw was Benji.

 

“Baby come here.” I sat on the bed and beckoned her to my lap.  She crawled over and rested her head against my chest.  “Iz, I’m sorry you had to hear that.  I really am.”

“It’s okay, mommy.” She hugged me.  God, I wish I could believe that.

***

“Benji?”  I heard my mom calling down the stairs as she took them.  I glanced around the room at the mess I had made and glanced at my reflection in the computer screen.  I was a wreck, and I didn’t have anytime to hide anything from her.  Kinda like when I was 16 smoking pot in the tree house.  That was the last time my mom spanked me.  It seemed ridiculous, a mother spanking her teenage son, but in the face of everything else she was dealing with it was the least she could do.  And I fucking deserved it.  And if my mom wanted me to pull my pants down now so she could, I wouldn’t disagree, because I fucking deserved it now.

 

“Yeah…I’m down here mom.”

“Benjamin what is going on?  The kids are all hysteric—Benjamin?!”  she caught sight of me and my surroundings. “What happened?”

“Um…”

 

She stared at me.  I could see her face twisting into pain and sympathy as she was slowly processing what could have happened.  She looked at the things I had broken or thrown around the room, then looked back at my tear and sweat soaked face.

 

“Oh, Benji, what happened?” she sighed.  “Sweetheart are you okay?”

 

I shook my head.

 

“Jessa and I got into a fight.”

“I can see that.” She frowned at me.

“Mom, I…I almost hit Jess.  I… I can’t even explain it.”  I shook my head.  “it was like…I just couldn’t control it.”

“What were you fighting about?”  she was surprisingly still calm.

“Jessa’s pregnant.”

“You were fighting about that?  I don’t understand”  she looked at me puzzled.

“I don’t either.” I shook my head.  “she’s sooo upset about it.  And I just…I can’t get that.”

“She’s upset about being pregnant?”

“She was really looking forward to get back to work and everything, I mean I understand THAT, but she’s so…”

“Honey…” she cut me off, rubbing my shoulder.  “it’s really hard on Jessa, on any mother, trying to take care of your kids and hold down a job, but this isn’t a job for Jessa, that’s her career, honey.  I know you love your kids, you both do, but it is a lot when you have a baby.”

“God, I know that.  We have 4 kids, I know what it’s like having a baby.”

“Benji, you don’t have to carry the child.  It might look easy but it’s…it’s a lot of stress.”

 

“Fucking great.”

“Benji!”

“I’m just the bad guy.  She’s the one who lied to ME mom.  SHE. LIED. TO. ME!?”  I yelled.  “I just did what I thought I was supposed to do, as a husband, as a father, but she still LIED TO ME!”

“Lied to you about what?”

“She told me she wasn’t pregnant, but I found her test and she is, she fucking straight out lied to me.”

“Baby, did you think about why she lied to you?”

“What are you on her side?!”

“Benjamin!”  She stood up, fully.

 

“I’m sorry, mom, I didn’t mean that.”

 

She sighed,  “Ben, I’m gonna tell you what I used to tell your father…your family isn’t out to get you, so stop making yourself upset.”

“They’re not out to…”

“Jessa loves you and she wouldn’t lie to you for no reason at all.  She’s scared honey and she’s probably confused.  And I know you’re mad she lied to you Benji, and you have a right to be, but you have to see past that.  You have to just be there for her.  It’s not like she isn’t sorry for what she did.”

 

I was quiet, what am I supposed to say to that?  My mom just confirmed I’m my father’s son and told me to stick it out with Jess.  Saying it’s okay for Jess to lie to me, because she’s scared and confused.  Hell, I’m scared and confused too, but no one’s telling Jessa to forgive me for yelling at her.  This was fucked up.

 

“Thanks mom.” I rested my head against my arms.

“Honey, it’ll get better, I know it.”

“And how do you know that?”

“Because I know you love her.” She smiled at me.  “And I know she loves you too.”

 

I just stared at her.

 

“I’m gonna go feed your kids, you and Jess need some space right now.” Momma just nodded at me.

“Ben, was ordering a pizza.” I managed to tell her before she left.

“Oh, well, good.” She didn’t turn back and I heard her shut the door behind her.

 

I sighed.  I hated myself for everything.  I don’t think my mom really soothed me much, I was being too stubborn.  I should call Joel.  He understands when all else fails, Joel knew EVERYTHING about me.

 

I picked up the phone and brought it to my ear.  I could hear voices.

 

“They were just yelling at each other with all this crap, I don’t get it.” It was Ben.

“Maybe your dad is cheating on your mom, that’s what my parents always fight about.”  And he was talking to Courtnie, that poor kid.

“I don’t think my dad would do that…maybe…I don’t know, my dad’s not like that.” Ben confirmed.

“Well, I dunno, it’s not like they have anything else to fight about.”  Courtnie told him.  “You’re lucky, I swear to god, I wish my family was like yours.”

“Are you kidding?  My family is crazy.”

“I wish I had little brothers like Joel and Noah, they’re so cute.”

“They’re little brats”  I could see Ben rolling his eyes.

“Does your dad drink?”  Courtnie asked.

“No, neither of them do.  I guess that’s a good thing right?”  More than you know kiddo.

 

I hung up.  This was affecting everyone.  It affected Ben, the way I knew it would.  He doesn’t understand.

 

I picked up my cell and called Joel’s.

 

“Hello?”
”Hey Alex, Joel home?”

“Whatd’ya need?”

“To talk to Joel.”

She sighed.  “Jeez…JOOOOOOEL!”

“Hello?”

“Hey man.”

“Benj, sup?”

“Me and Jess just got into this huge fight.”

“What?  About what?”

“I don’t think I know anymore.”

“Dude are you…are you okay?”  Joel knew I wasn’t.  “Do you want me to come over?” he suddenly sounded panicked.

“Naw, momma’s over here.”

“Well, what happened?” Do you really wanna know?

 

“We just…I mean this has been happening, like every night this week.”

“Are you serious?  Benj, what’s going on?”

“I dunno, we just started getting all snappy with each other and we just keep getting into these arguments about nothing.  It’s so stupid.”

“C’mon dude, what’s going on?”

“I’m not fucking around if that’s what you think.”

“It’s not, I just…I don’t know what else would make you guys so, ya know, like that with each other.”

“Jessa’s pregnant again.” I sighed.

“Whoa…I…I wasn’t expecting that.”

“Well, we weren’t either.”

“I thought you guys were kinda…ya know..going through a dry spell.”

“Not completely dry, I guess.”

“You did have sex with her recently right, Benj?”  he sounded so worried.

“YES, Joel, yes, jeez.”  None of your business, ass!

“I’m just saying, I mean if you guys hadn’t…ya know…”

“Jesus, Joel!  Jessa wouldn’t…she wouldn’t…god!”  Why am I even talking to him?

“I’m sorry, I don’t know.  I know she would never sleep around behind your back, but I mean, if I’m thinking you guys haven’t been together recently, I’d just be…I dunno, suspicious I guess.”

 

Holy fuck…Jessa wouldn’t right?  Just the thought of her…with…with someone else.  It made me sick.   She wouldn’t…right?  Right?

 

“Benji?”

“What?” I snapped.

“You got quiet.  You don’t think she would really do something like that do you?”

“I don’t know.”

“God, Benji…no, no way, I shouldn’t have said anything.  Jessa’s not like that.  I mean you guys did it, that’s it, that’s how she got pregnant.”  He tried to fix the situation.

“Joel, I just don’t know what’s going on.”  I almost cried.  “I don’t know what to do.”

“Hey, man…it’s, it’s gonna be alright.”

“No, it isn’t Joel.” I complained. “I almost hit her.”

“You what?!”

“I raised my hand, I wanted to smack her.”

“Benj, whoa…”

 

Joel was silent.  Shocked I guess.

 

“Benji…I…I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to be sorry,  I’m the one that got all the bad genes.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Why not?  It’s true isn’t it?  My dad was an asshole and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

“Dude, fucking stop it.  You know that isn’t true.  You got angry, you made a stupid move, it has nothing to do with him.”

“It has EVERYTHING to do with him.”

“Fine Benj, blame some fucking asshole you haven’t seen for 20 years.  Blame someone who didn’t care at ALL about his kids or his wife.” Joel yelled at me.  “You care about Jess, and you LOVE your kids, you care about them more than anything in the world, I know that.  You couldn’t walk out on them, because you are NOT dad, you’re Benji.”

 

What the hell was wrong with me?  I couldn’t listen to my mom, I couldn’t listen to my brother.  They had all these reasonable explanations and I sat there like an asshole listening to my own fucked up thoughts.

 

“Benj, I don’t know what to tell you anymore.  Maybe you just have to work through this yourself.  Maybe it’s not something I can help you with.”

“Great”

“C’mon, Benj, stop being so goddamn fucking stubborn.” I could see him shaking his head with disappointment.  “Maybe you oughtta try therapy for a little while.”

“Now I’m CRAZY?!  Thanks Joel.”

“Do you want me to keep talking to you or not?  I’ve got other things to do, ya know.”

“I’m sorry, I…I don’t know.”

“I know bro, you need to chill out.  You like the pier right?  Why don’t you hang out there?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to leave the house.”  I sighed.  “Thanks for talking to me Joel.  I think I’m gonna go eat or sleep or watch reality TV or something.”

“Alright.  Call me later, ok?”

“Yeah, I will, bye.”

 

I closed my phone and stuck it in my pocket.  Gathering myself up I wiped the tears off my face and went up the stairs.

***

I could hear the kids squealing downstairs.  It was like a national holiday to have pizza for dinner.  I was hungry myself, but I was in no shape to go out there.  I hugged myself closer on the bed and rested my head against the pillow.  I felt so worn out.  It was a little after 7 and I was completely exhausted.

 

I just didn’t know what was going to happen.  I felt so guilty, like I made him mad at me, like I deserved this.  I knew I didn’t.  I knew the only one to blame for raising his hand was Benji.  I could blame myself for lying, though, couldn’t I?  I don’t even know why I lied.  There was no reason, I was just…scared.

 

Maybe this was my fault, if I could just get over the fact that I’m being selfish, none of this would be happening.

 

Here we go again, I’m crying.  I rubbed my face into the pillow trying to make it go away, but I couldn’t stop it.  Suddenly, I heard the bedroom door swing open.  I sucked in my tears and slightly composed myself to look over at whoever entered.

 

“Hey.” It was Benji.  The corners of his mouth lifted, then fell back into a frown.  His eyes were red and tired, I could see it from across the room.   We stared at each other like strangers in a bus station seeing someone they might have passed in a hallway once somewhere.  I had to look away, but I could feel him looking at me.

 

“What?” I glared at him.

“Nothing.” He quickly turned around.

 

He messed with things on the dresser and I just sat there, silent.  This was awkward.  I wish he’d just leave me alone.   I really wasn’t ready to see him and talk about things and forgive him for what he ‘almost’ did.

 

He stood there for a good while, with his back to me.  I just kept staring at him, as if by looking at him I could understand what was going on.  What was happening to us?  Was this just going to be our future?  Were we just going to tear each other apart until we can’t stand each other anymore?  Until our kids lose their parents.

 

As I opened my mouth to say something, he went to the closet and pulled out some blankets.  He didn’t say a word as he turned to the door and walked out.  He was going to sleep on the couch.  This sucked.  I was so…confused.  As much as I didn’t want him near me, I still wanted him to sleep in our bed with me.  Does that make sense?  Nothing makes sense anymore.

 

I laid back down on the bed and sobbed into the pillow.

***

An alarm was blaring.  A car alarm.  The sun was filtering through the window in a blinding array of colors and birds were chirping their annoying little songs.

 

“Goddamnit!” Benji yelled downstairs.  I guess the alarm was one of his cars going off.

 

It was early.  I must have passed out last night.  I was still wearing my clothes from yesterday and my eyes were all puffy.   Just fucking awesome, it feels like I have a hangover.

 

I suddenly heard Benji trudging up the stairs.  He burst through the door and threw his pile of blankets on the floor.  He was wearing a wife beater and some blue boxers with little hearts all over them.   He looked sort of cute, with his hair all mussed.

 

He suddenly spotted me awake.  He stared at me a second, then turned away.

 

“Hey.” He muttered.

“Hey.” I responded back. 

 

He opened up his drawers and shut them, in search of what, I didn’t know.

 

“Did you sleep okay?”

“I guess.” He continued rifling through his drawers.

“I know the couch isn’t ver-“

“You didn’t seem too concerned last night.”

“Excuse me?  Was I supposed to offer you my bed?”

“No, whatever.” He threw his hand, but continued to not look at me.  “I guess I just thought that you’d come down and get me eventually, but when I came up you were asleep.”

 

He came up here?

 

“I just put a blanket on you and went back downstairs.” He did?  How…sweet!  He shook his head, as if the act of tucking me in was a stupid move.

 

I didn’t know what to say to him, but I felt like we should be talking now.

 

“Benji?”

“What?” he grunted.

“I…I think we should talk to the kids.”

He turned suddenly.  “About what?”

“Everything.”  I explained.  “The baby and…everything.”

 

He kinda nodded and looked away.  “Yeah.” He sighed.

 

He turned back and stared at me.  “Are you mad at me?”

“What do you think?”

“I don’t know what to think, anymore.”

“Yes, Benji, yes I’m mad at you.  I’m mad at you, I’m mad at myself, I’m mad at everyone”

“I’m mad at myself too.”  He nodded again.  “I’m scared.”  He blurted out.

“Scared?!  Of what?!”

He shrugged.  “That we can’t fix this, that I’ll hurt you worse, that my kids will hate me.  That there will be a ‘next time’.”

 

I shut my eyes and took a deep breath.  That didn’t sound like a future I had in store.  It seemed unreal.

 

“Do you even listen to yourself sometimes?”

“What?”

“Do you have to be so…pessimistic about everything?”

“I dunno, Jess, it’s pretty fucking hard to see hope in this situation.”

“Oh, really?” I countered.  “You don’t think our baby is something to be hopeful about?”

“I don’t know.” He looked away again.  I wish he’d stop doing that.

“You don’t know?!  What is the matter with you?”

“EVERYTHING Jess!  Everything!” he yelled and looked me in the eye.  “I don’t wanna be my dad.”

“You don’t have to be either.”   I shook my head.  “You wanted this baby more than I do.  And I DO by the way, it’s my fucking child.  How you could ever think I would get rid of it, I don’t know.”

“Well lying to me is a pretty clear way of telling me you don’t want it.”

“Benji I was SCARED!”

“Of what!?”

“Of having my 4^th child in 7 years.  Of realizing I lost all my dreams in the process of fulfilling other ones.  Maybe that doesn’t scare you, because you’ve had a whole career and if you wanted to stay home and raise a family it would be hunky dory.  But not me Benj, I haven’t had any time to have a career.  My family was always more important, and like always it’s getting shotgun again.”

 

He was silent.  Maybe I had finally gotten my point across.

 

“I’m sorry Jess.”  He looked at me sincerely.  He started to smile.  “Ya know, last night, I was down in the basement and my mom talked to me and Joel talked to me, and I didn’t understand any of this until I came up here and talked to you, now.  That means something right?”

“Of course it does Benji.”  I nodded.  “I’m sorry too.”

“We’re such fucking idiots.” He sighed.

“You more than me.” I smirked.

“Bitch.” He smiled back.  It felt good to be joking with him.  It felt REALLY good.  “So you wanna talk to the kiddos?”

“They’re so confused, even Ben.”

“Hell, I’m confused.” He shook his head.  “I hate what we’re doing to them.”

“Me too.”  I hate what we’re doing to ourselves, I wanted to say, but I bit my tongue.  That, I’m sure, would become another argument.

 

I wiped my face with the back of my hand and got up off the bed.  I headed to the bathroom to fix myself before going downstairs.

 

“Wait, Jess.” Benji caught my arm.  He pulled me to him in a tight hug.  I couldn’t do anything but hug back, even though it felt so strange.  “I’m sorry.” He leaned against my shoulder and I could feel his breath on my neck.  “You know that I love you right?”

“I know.”  I answered, letting him kiss my neck.  We broke from each other and I went into the bathroom.  “Benj?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you too”

***

“Did your mom, take off?”

“Yeah, last night, she said we could call if we needed anything.”

 

The kids were gathered in the living room.  This was gonna be something else.  It wasn’t like we were scolding them like yesterday afternoon.  We were scolding ourselves and trying to explain ourselves.  It was bizarre to be owing your children an explanation.

 

Ben was in the big armchair, Isabel, Noah, and Joel all lined up on the couch.  Benji and I stood in front of the TV.  He looked over at me and coughed.

 

“Um, guys, listen…” I began.  “I…I know we scared you, but…”

“We’re sorry.” Benji took over.  “I’m sorry.”

“We want you to know, that, that it’s not about you and it’s not your fault.  We love you all very much…and…”

“And we want you to understand that we still love each other very much too, but sometimes, sometimes we get frustrated and we’re sorry we yelled and scared you.”

 

They just stared at us.  We weren’t making sense and they were still too young to understand.

 

“Why were you fighting?” Ben asked.

“It doesn’t matter.” Benji jumped in before I had a chance to say anything.

“It doesn’t?”  Ben stared incredulously

“What your dad means is…it’s none of your business.  It doesn’t have to do with you.”

“So is it over then?”

“I do-“

“Yes.” Benji answered.  “It’s over now.  We didn’t mean to worry you guys.”

 

I stared at him.  Was it really over?  Just like that?

 

“Momma?” Noah raised his hand.  I smiled.

“What is it baby?”

“Are you mad at daddy?”

“No, sweetie,” that I could answer with confidence.  “No I’m not.”

“I hab a quetion!” Joel waved his arms.

“Yeah, Joel?” Benji grinned.

“Can I hab some cookies?!”

“Uh…let’s get some real food, maybe you can have cookies later.”  Benji explained.

“Damnit!”

“Joel!” I gasped.

“Young man, you don’t ever say that again.”

“Sowwy”

 

Benji looked at me.  As if I was the one who had to announce we were having another baby.  I swallowed.  24 hours ago I was crying about this.

 

“Well, we, we also have some good news.” I tried smiling.

“Really?!” Isabel’s face lit up.

 

I paused a minute longer.  “We’re having a baby.”

“Another one?!” Ben moaned.

“A BABY!!” Isabel practically jumped for joy.  “I love babies.”  Of course you do, you’re seven.

“I don’t geddit?” Joel pouted.

“Joely…” Benji leaned down to him.  “It means momma’s gonna have another baby, you’re going to be a big brother.”

“I dowanna.” He pouted further.

“Sorry, bud, no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it.”

“Butts?!  Hehe.” Joel giggled.

 

“What do you think about it Noh?” I asked him.

He looked up at me unsure for a minute.  “Is it gonna sleep in my room?”

“No, probably not.” I laughed.

“It’s okay then.”  He stood up and reached his hand out to rub my tummy.  “Hi baby.”

***