Chapter Three “Lie To Me”

All the times

When we were close

I'll remember these things the most

I see all my dreams come tumbling down

I won't be happy without you 'round

So all alone I keep the wolves at bay

There is only one thing that I can say

You must explain why this must be

Did you lie when you spoke to me?

 

 

Despite the kink in my neck and my achy back  it felt really good to be here with Benji.  The little knit blanket wrapped around us, his arm draped over me, and his warm breath on my neck.

 

As I started waking up I noticed the TV was on.  Elmo to be exact singing about his goldfish.  It was so bizarre. Benji started nuzzling my neck and squeezing me.  He laid cute little kisses on the back of my neck and I smiled to myself.  I opened my eyes and saw that Joel was sitting on the floor in front of us.  I could hear the metal spoon scrap against the plastic cereal bowl.  I could see the back of his head, he was wearing Benji’s hat.  Benji started rubbing my sides, kissing me even more along my neck, sucking, gently scraping his teeth against my skin and as good as it felt I had to push him away.

 

“C’mon baby…” he coaxed, running his hands up and toying with my nipples.

“Benj!” I hissed.  I don’t think Joel noticed yet.

“Let me fuck you, baby.” The words dripped out of his mouth and into my ear as his hand dipped below my waistband and he smoothed his palm against my skin.

“But…”  my eyes went wide staring at the back of my young sons head as Benji’s finger gently stroked at my slit.  “Benji Don’t!” I pushed his hand away.

 

“Momma are you awake now?”

“Joel!?” Benji sounded startled, completely removing his hands from me.

“Morning baby.”

“Moe-ning momma.  Moe-ning dadda.”  Benji’s hat fell over his eyes.

“Hi Joely, you watching Sesame Street?” Benji asked.

“Izzabel made me cereal.” He held up his bowl, dripping milk on the carpet as he showed us.

“That’s good, baby.” I sat up and pushed the bowl up to keep it from dripping further, then stood up to stretch.

“I dadda!” he presented himself to us, spreading his arms wide.

 

Benji laughed.  “I thought I was dadda.”

“I have you hat!” Joel pointed out, obviously Benji’s hat was the source of his identity.

“Oh really?” Benj grabbed the hat off Joel’s head and replaced it on his own.

“NOOOOO! I’m dadda.” He lunged forward and grabbed it, tackling Benji on the couch.

 

I giggled as Joel wrestled his father.  Benji tickled him and Joel tickled back.

 

“No…no, Joely….” Benji struggled as he kept laughing.

“Hehe, that tickles dadda…” I think Joel forgot all about the hat.

“Okay, truce.” Benj placed his hat on his son’s head.  “You can be dadda today.”

 

Joel laid against Benji and hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

 

“Aww, I love my little Joely kissies.”  Benji kissed his forehead.

“Hehehe.” Joel giggled. “I love you, dadda.”

 

Benji just smiled and hugged him.  “I love you too, Joel.”

 

I loved seeing Benji with the kids.  I loved the way he fathered them.  He’s adorable.  He’s totally in his element with the kids. I mean when he’s playing or singing he’s pretty hot, he’s pretty passionate, but I love being the one who gets to see his real passion in life.  His family, his children.  He is so sexy when he’s down on his knees rolling around dump trucks and laughing with the boys.  When he’s got Isabel in his lap as she shows him her school work.  When he’s out back playing catch with Ben.  Even when he’s disciplining them, it’s hot.  How can I not love the man that gave me these perfect little gifts?

 

I touched my stomach and bit my lip.  Lord forgive me for being selfish.

 

“You okay, Jess?” Benji looked at me and motioned to my hand, I quickly removed it.

“I’m alright.” I smiled.

He smirked at me and picked up Joel setting him on the floor.  “C’mon daddy, let’s go get the kiddo’s up.”

“Yeah!”

 

Benji lifted him up and raced him upstairs, Joel giggling with delight. 

 

I could hear Joel yelling upstairs.  “Get up kiddos!!  I’m dadda!”

“We are up Joel, quit being weird.” Ben complained.

“Ben!” Benji scolded him.

“Don’t be a bad boy, Ben!” Joel yelled.

“Joely, go get dressed, k?” Benji pushed, before coming back down the steps and grabbing a bag off the table.  “C’mon”  He took my hand and didn’t say a word until we were upstairs in the bathroom with the door locked.

 

“Jeez, what’s in the bag, porn?”

“No, why do you think all I think about is sex?”

“Cause you do.” I shrugged.

“It’s a home pregnancy test.” He pulled it out.

“Benj…”

“Mommy, daddy…” Isabel knocked on the door.

 

Benji stashed the test box under the stack of towels on the counter and unlocked the door.  Funny he treated it like porn.

 

“What is it Izzy?”

“Can I go play in the water?”

“In the creek?”

“It’s hot!” she complained.

“Uh, not right now, baby.”

“But DAD-DY, it’s HOOOT”

“I’ll turn the air conditioning on, can’t you play in the house for awhile?”

“But…”

“Isabel, please!”

“Okay, daddy.”

 

“Hey Ben!” Benji called.

“What?” was the moaned response.

“Come here!” Benji yelled.

Ben shuffled on over to our room from his.  “What?”

“Can you watch your brothers and sister for a little bit?”

“Whyyyyy?” he moaned again.

“Because I asked you to.”

“Where are you guys going?”

“Nowhere, we just….” Benji looked at me.  “We need to talk and we need some privacy, so could you PLEASE watch the kids for half an hour.”

“Half an hour, that’s it?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, I guess.” Ben gave in.

“Good, thank you, Ben.”

 

Benji shut the door behind him and locked it again.  I was busy reading the pregnancy test box.

 

“So, Jess…”

I dropped my arm, box still in hand.  “I can’t believe you bought this.”

“What?” he took it from me.  “Isn’t it the right one?”

“It’s not that, Benj, it’s just…”

“God, what now?  Jessa I’m trying to make things okay!” he sighed.  “I don’t want you to be upset.”

 

I was silent, I didn’t even know what to say.

 

“Don’t you understand, baby?” He tried again, standing closer to me and rubbing my shoulder.

“Y-yes.” I started crying again.

“Baby…” he pulled my chin, to look me in the eye.  “Baby, look at me.”

“What?”

“It’s going to be okay.” He kissed me.  Lingering a bit longer than normal.  “Okay?”

“Okay…” I sniffed up my tears and took the box from him.

“Jess?”

“What? I turned back towards him.

“I love you.” He smiled.

“I love you too, Benji.” I kissed him this time.

 

I stared at the box a second, before realizing Benji wasn’t leaving.  It wasn’t like we never went to the bathroom in view of each other.  It was never a big deal, but right now I felt embarrassed.  This isn’t like when I’m brushing my teeth and he takes a piss.  I cleared my throat nervously and slowly unbuttoned my pants.

 

“Why are you being so shy?”

“I dunno, it’s kinda weird for you to watch me pee.”

“Well, I won’t watch”  He looked up at the ceiling.

 

I dropped trou and sat on the toilet, I took the contents out of the box and took out the little cup.  I hated peeing in a cup, this was just like the doctors.  I tried thinking about something else while I did it.

 

“You know we are alone in here…alllllll alone.” Benji mused.

“Benji!?” I looked at him.

“What?”  He looked back at me.

“I’m peeing and you’re trying to get me to do you?  What is wrong with you?”

“Sorry.” He sighed and looked up, trying not to watch me. He tapped his foot on the floor.

“Is this boring you?”  I asked sarcastically.

“Naw.” He looked at me, then looked back up.  “Is it hard to do?”

“Well, it’s not exactly point and shoot.”

“Right…do you need help?”

“Benj…”

“Right….sorry….I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“Just stand there, and stop talking, and that’ll be fine.”  Jesus!

“Okay”

 

Finally I stood up and set the cup on the counter.  I dipped the test part into the cup.  When it had soaked up a sufficient amount I set it on the towel on the counter.

 

“Is that it?” he asked.

“Now we have to wait.” I explained.

 

Benji picked up the box to read it again and I washed my hands.

 

“Ya know?” he said leaning against the counter and setting the box down.  “Maybe we are pregnant.  Maybe we’ll have another girl.”

“Maybe.” I didn’t look at him.

“I’ve always wanted another daughter.”

“Yeah.”

“And maybe you aren’t pregnant at all Jess…quit acting like this is the end of the world.”

“Whatever.  I am not fighting about this again.”

“Okay, you’re right, I’m sorry.”  He nodded and retreated against the door to our bedroom.  “I don’t like fighting with you Jess.”

“I don’t like fighting with you either”  I turned around to face him.  “and I’m sorry about last night…I just…I didn’t mean that okay.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it isn’t.  It is NOT okay for us to fight like that, where one of us leaves.”

 

He smiled a little bit at me and stepped forward, hugging me to him and kissing my forehead.  I smiled up at him, then kissed him on the lips.  He kissed back, holding me at the waist.  It felt good just kissing him, such a perfect simple token.

 

“Ow, damnit”  Benji pulled away.

“What?” I asked.

“I cut my hand.” He held it up, a small cut on the top.

“Aww.” I leaned down and kissed his hand.

 

I reached into the cabinet to find band aids.  I pulled the box out.

 

“It’s Spiderman…do you mind?”

“You mean we don’t have any My Little Pony?  Damnit!”

I smirked.  “Just hold still.”

 

I placed it on his cut and leaned down to kiss it again.

 

“All better, babe?”

“Aw betta!” he did a perfect imitation of our son.

 

I threw away the trash and I leaned over the counter a little to reach into the cabinet to put the box away.  I heard Benji take a deep breath.

 

“Are you okay?”

“You look. So. Good!”

I giggled. “You dirty boy.”

“I’m serious.” He got closer, grabbing my waist and running his hands down my hips.  “I almost forgot how good these pants made your ass look.”

 

He ran his hands lower, rubbing my cheeks through the material.

 

“Bend over, let me spank you.”

“Benj!”

“Just do it, please?”

“Baby…” I started to shake my head and turn back towards the counter.

 

His hands followed me and he kissed my neck gently, his eyes looking into mine as I watched him in the bathroom mirror. Suddenly his open hand connected with my ass making a loud smack.  I gasped.

 

“I want you…right now.” He whispered against my ear then sucked on my neck.

“But Ben-”

“Shhh, Jess…” he cooed, rubbing his free hand up my shirt, while the other spanked me again.  I had to admit I really liked it.  I bit my lip and moaned.

“Bad girl.” He grunted against my ear.

 

He stood behind me and grinned at me through the mirror.  He used both his hands to pull my shirt off.  After it was off he again licked and sucked my neck and as he did so, his hands reached around me and unbuttoned and unzipped my fly, and he pulled my pants and underwear all the way off, leaving me in just a bra.

 

Now that my pants were off he spanked me again.  It stung without anything protecting my skin, but I wanted him so bad.  I heard his belt jingling and the sound of his zipper as he yanked his pants down. He pushed my shoulders down so that I was leaned over the counter.

 

“Do you want it baby?”

“Yes…please!”

 

He chuckled then moved in swiftly.  I looked up a second into the mirror and I was able to see his hot little expression as he entered me.  This really cute little jutting out of his lips.  I wondered if he did that all the time and I was too distracted to notice.

 

“Ohh…fuck yeah.” He moaned.  “Oh Jess!”

“God Benji…baby….” He pushed in harder and deeper, watching us through the mirror I noticed.  “You’re dirty Benj.”

 

He smirked at me through the mirror.  “You like it.”

“Mmmm” I shut my eyes and let him continue to pound into me.  It crossed my mind that I couldn’t believe we were doing this.  Not that we hadn’t before, it’s just that we had sex at the most random times.  I guess it was because we got such random times alone together and because we always seemed to be horny.  We were such nymphomaniacs.

 

Benji wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me against him roughly.  Benji was moaning kind of loud.  No matter how hard we tried one of us was always screaming.  I turned slightly and looked back at him.

 

“Baby, shhh, not so loud.”

“I can’t h-help it….mmmmm.”

 

Suddenly there was banging on the door.  “DAD!”

“Go away!”  Benji yelled.

“But Da—“

“Benjamin!  Go away!”  We heard him retreating.  “Where were we?”

 

Just as Benji began again there was a loud crash followed by yelling and Lennon barking her head off.

 

“Fuckin a!” Benji yelled, pulling out.  “What the fuck?”

“Sorry.”  I turned around to face him, just long enough to see him cum.

“Goddamnit.” He looked down, watching it squirt out.

“Aww, babe.”

 

Benji muttered obscenities as he cleaned himself off and put his pants back on.  I shrugged and started putting my clothes back as well.  The kids were screaming at the top of their lungs.  Benji opened the door.

 

“Don’t make me come down there!”  he yelled. 

“Baby, you should go.”

He sighed.  “Yeah.  I’ll be right back…don’t read the test without me.”

“Right.” He kissed my cheek and I could hear him yelling already.

 

I sat on the toilet lid and put my face in my hands, elbows resting on my knees.  I looked over at the test on the counter, then I looked at the door.  I wanted to read that test so bad.  I had to know before Benji got back.  I reached out and grabbed it, shutting my eyes as I set it in my lap and looked down.

 

I opened my eyes and stared, at first it was like I couldn’t even see the result, but as I adjusted my eyes I realized my fears had come true.  I was pregnant, just like I thought, and just like I told him.  Taking this test and confirming it didn’t make me feel better.  It made me sort of depressed.

 

It wasn’t Benji.  It wasn’t the child itself.  It was my own selfish agenda.  I wanted more than anything to be that girl on TV talking about her films, her movies, her stories.  I wanted to be a name on everyone’s lips.  I wanted to be famous.  But I wasn’t going to be those things.  Even if I wasn’t pregnant.  I’m not a girl anymore.  I’m an adult woman with responsibilities.  I might be semi-known, but I’m not known for good things I wanna be known for.  I’m known as Benji Madden’s wife.  I’m known as a M.I.L.F.  I’m known as the woman nominated for an Oscar last year, but no one remembers the film.

 

It’s all so completely selfish of me.  Benji didn’t understand.  He wasn’t really trying to, because all he heard was I wasn’t satisfied and his initial reaction is something is wrong with him, because he too, is terribly selfish.  What a pair we are.

 

This wasn’t going to feel half as bad in a month.  This wasn’t going to feel even a quarter as bad when I get to see the fuzzy pictures and feel the baby moving and in 9 months I was barely going to remember feeling so lost and selfish and guilty, but right now, with the positive results clearly in my hand I felt like shit and I didn’t know what to do to make it feel better.

 

“Benjamin Levi Madden!” Benji shouted.  “Go upstairs. in your room…NOW!”

 

Oh what did that boy do now?  I tossed the test in the trash and stood up.  I brushed off my pants and fixed my hair before leaving the room and heading down stairs.

 

“What’s going on?” I asked, coming around the couch and seeing every single DVD we owned scattered on the floor of the living room.

“I don’t think the kiddos understand compromise.  They were all fighting over what to watch.”

“Dadda, I sorry.” Joel pouted, for some reason all the kids had their hands on their heads.

“That’s good, Joely.  No more TV for any of you, all week, do you understand me?” Benji told them.

“But daddy..”

“Isabel?!  I don’t wanna ear any back talk from any of you. Until you guys learn how to compromise and work together none of you are going to watch this TV, no movies, no nothing.”  Benji continued.  “And NO HITTING do you understand boys?”

“Yes daddy.” They both responded.

“Okay, put your arms down.  Now clean up this mess.  I want all the movies off the floor  and then you’re going to go to your rooms.”

“Yes, daddy.” Isabel, Noah, and Joel all nodded, dropping their arms to their sides.

 

I understood his lecture, but I doubted any of this would stick with Noah and Joel tomorrow, perceptive though they may be. Isabel would remember, but she’d still ask to watch TV.  They all scrambled to the floor picking up the DVDs and stacking them on the shelf.

 

I followed Benji to the kitchen.

 

“Jesus!” he sighed, sitting at the counter on a stool.

“So, what happened?”

“They were all fighting like cats and dogs over what to watch on TV.  Joel and Noah were hitting each other and Isabel and Ben were screaming at each other.”

“Why’d you send Ben up?”

“Jess, he called Iz…a bitch.” He whispered.

“He what?!” I shook my head in disbelief.

“I couldn’t believe it either.” He shook his head too.  “But I heard him say it…”

 

He was quiet a minute.  “It’s cause he hears us huh?”

“Oh Benj, don’t do this…”

“It’s all me.  I’ve raised these angry little boys.”

“Benji I’ve got just as bad a temper as yours.  They’re kids, they’re going to fight, this isn’t our Fault.”

“I think it is.  We’ve been fighting so bad these past couple of nights and we’re stupid if we think they can’t hear us.” He sighed. “We know that they can hear us; we’ve both heard our own parents.  It’s just this big vicious cycle isn’t it?”

“Baby, why are you doing this?” I came around to his side of the counter. “Every single couple in the history of the world argues; since Adam and Eve even.  We are not our parents Benji, we both know that’s something completely different.  We can’t shield the kids from it, anymore than we can shield them from pollution and the sun.  I understand you want to protect them from anything that can hurt them, anything at all.  I know what’s that’s like, they’re my kids too and sometimes I wish I could keep them away from everything in these little bubbles, but this is definitely something we can’t protect them from.”

“I guess you’re right.”

 

“Baby, there is never going to be a day when we won’t have something to argue about.”

“That’s kind of sad isn’t it?”

“Do you really think so?”

“I don’t wanna fight with you everyday of my life.”

“No, neither do I, but if we’ve lost a reason to argue, then we’ve lost a reason to love each other.”

“Huh?  You love me when I argue with you?”

“95% of marriage is compromise, Benj.” I explained.  “If we agree on every single issue from every single day, what is there to be happy about?  What is there to celebrate?  They we’ve completely become the same person?  What marks the bad side from the good?  It’s just the same boring day over and over and over.”

He smirked.  “Alright, I guess you’re right, smarty-pants.”

“Of course I am.” I smiled.

 

“So, if 95% is compromise, what’s the other 5%?”

“Sex”

“I think you got the numbers reversed.” He laughed.

“I was talking about marriage in general, not our marriage.” I made a face at him.

“C’mon Jess, we’ve got more than sex and arguing in our relationship.”  He began.  “We’ve got laughter and partnership and loyalty and that tape…”

“Oh my god, you perv.” I hit him.

“And the violence don’t forget the violence.” He joked.  I kissed him.  “Mmm, and the kissing and the boobies” he rubbed my chest.

“Benj!”

“Dadda,” Joel startled Benji.

“And the kiddos.” I added as he spun in his stool and faced Joel.

“Yeah?”

“We all done.”

“Good, now go to your rooms, I’ll tell you when you can come out.”

“Okay.” Joel toddled off.

 

“Speaking of kiddo’s…” Benji motioned to my stomach.

“Oh, I…uh…I already looked at the test.”

“You did?”

“Yeah…” I swallowed

“And?”

“It was negative.  We’re not having a baby.”  I shook my head.

“See, baby you got all worked up.”

“Yeah, that was dumb of me.”

“You’re probably late cause you’re stressed out.”

“Oh, yeah…probably.” I busied myself with the dishes on the counter.  Benji wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek.

“I love you so much, Jessa.”

“I love you, too, Benj.” I patted his arms.

***

The house was almost as quiet as before we had kids.  It was kind of nice.  All afternoon the house was practically a tomb.  Ben didn’t even try to leave his room, because he knew I was pissed.  Joel and Noah were silent and when I checked later, I found them asleep.  Isabel was moping, taking pictures of pictures. 

 

I couldn’t believe all that arguing with Jess was for nothing.  We weren’t having a baby, so basically she freaked out over nothing.  I felt kind of disappointed. I mean I was glad because she wasn’t ready to have another kid and now it meant she could work like she wanted, but…I think I kind of wanted another baby.  I should be looking at today as an example, my children can be such little monsters and here I was rooting for another screamer.

 

“Benji, Joel’s on the phone.”  Jessa called.

“Okay!” I called back picking up the phone on the desk in front of me.  “Hey man.”

“Hey Benj, do you guys have one of those vaporizers?”

“Like for when you’re stuffed up?”

“Yeah Zack’s sick and Alex swears we have one but I was in the garage for an hour and a half and I didn’t find shit.”

“I’ll ask Jess, I think we have one.  I know we had one when Ben had bronchitis.”

 

I started back upstairs.

 

“Did Nik call you?”

“Nik?  No, call me about what?”

“He called me last night and said that Matt’s been all over the place the entire tour.”

“What else is new?”

“He said he’s been doing everything; girls, booze, drugs.  He’s fucking up so bad.”

“He’s a good kid man, I don’t get it.”

“So were you, you took a while to come around.”

“HEY!  Don’t compare me to Matt.”

“Dude, everybody calls Matt the Benji of the band.”

“Oh, real nice.”  I rolled my eyes, coming into the living room where Jess was reading.  “Hey, babe, do we have a vaporizer?”

“I think we still have Joel and Alex’s.”

“We have yours”

“You think you can bring it over?”

“Um…sure.”

“Ok cool, thanks Benj.”  He hung up before I could say anything more.

 

“Well.” I dropped the cordless phone to my side.  “I guess I’m going over to Joel’s”

“Okay, have fun.” Jessa didn’t even look up.

“Want anything while I’m out?”

“Nope.”

 

She was being awfully quiet.  She seemed…I dunno depressed.  Maybe she had started getting used the idea of a new baby and maybe she was kinda sad that we weren’t too.

 

“Hey…” I tried to get her attention.

“Huh?” she looked up.

 

I leaned down and kissed her as softly and sweetly as I possibly could.  She grinned at me.  This big genuine smile I hadn’t seen in a while.

 

“So, where is it at?”

“I think it’s in the hall closet, top shelf.”

“Alright, I’ll run it over.” I turned to leave.  “Hey?”

“What?”

“You wanna go out to dinner tonight?”

“All of us?”

“No, just you and me.  I’ll ask my mom to come watch the kids for a few hours and we can go to that Italian place you like.”

“That sounds nice baby.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright, good.”

 

I smiled as I left.  Good.  It felt really good to be making up.  For me and Jessa to making plans for me and Jessa.  It made any insecure feeling I’ve been having lately disappear.  She loved me, I DEFINETELY loved her and we were gonna be okay.  It was just stupid shit getting in the way, but in the moments that mattered we just loved each other.

***

When I got home I could hear music blasting through the house.  Noah and Joel were awake and playing with trucks in the living room, bobbing their head to the music.  Ben was still nowhere to be found, so I assumed he was still hiding in his room.   I found Jessa with Isabel in the laundry room dancing around to the Clash.  I smiled and leaned in the doorway as I watched them.  It was Train in Vain, one of my favorite songs, ever.

 

“Can I watch you get dressed up, mommy?”

“Yup?” Jess nodded.

“Are you gonna wear a pretty dress?”

“Maybe.” She folded and continued swaying to the music.  “I need you to be good for grama and help her take care of the boys tonight, okay?”

“Okay mommy.”  Iz nodded and leaned on the folding table with her elbows.  “Who’s this singing mom?”

“This is the Clash.”

“Does daddy know them?” she asked.  No, I wish.

Jessa laughed.  “No, but I bet he wishes he did.”  See, does that woman know me or what?

 

“Whatcha doin?” I asked as the song ended.

“Hi, daddy!” Isabel grinned. 

“Hi babygirl.”

“Are you taking mommy on a date?”

I laughed.  “Uh, yeah.”

“Are you gonna buy her flowers?”

“Uhhh…well…I guess I could.”

“Are you gonna give her a kiss g’night?”

“Izzy why don’t you go upstairs now?”  I smiled.

“Why?”

“Cause I asked you to.”

 

She rolled her eyes but jumped off her seat and went upstairs.  It surprises me how much she already sort of understands.  Like knowing what a date is.  Before long she’s going to ask to go on dates.  And she’s not allowed to until she’s at least 30.

 

“You did call your mom, right?”

“Yup.”  I nodded.  “And I made 7:30 reservations for La Bella’s.”

“Mmmm, I’m so hungry”

I smiled at her.  “I’m so glad…that…you’re happy.”

“Yeah.” She looked down.

“Ya know Jess…” I started to say.  “I mean I know you didn’t want to be pregnant, but I understand if you’re kind of sad that you’re not.”

 

She was quiet.  I felt bad, guess it wasn’t time to bring it up yet.  I hugged her shoulder.

 

“I’m gonna go take a shower and get dressed.”  I said and kissed her cheek.

 

I went upstairs, stopping to check on the kids in the living room.  Joel and Noh, were surprisingly getting along.  Isabel was reading a book on the couch, the TV was a silent blank screen.  Good, everything was going well.

 

I stopped at Ben’s room on the way upstairs.  “Hey kid.”

“What?”

“Grama’s coming over to watch you guys tonight, me and mom are going out to dinner.”

“Are you guys having another baby?”

“What?  Who said that?”

“I saw the box in the living room this morning.”

“Oh…um..well”

“God,” he groaned.  “Don’t you guys use condoms or something?”

“Actually Ben, we aren’t having a baby.” I explained.  “And it’s none of your business”

“Riiiiiiiiight, I’m only your oldest child.” He scoffed.  “Whatever, when’s grama getting here?”

“Hey, don’t talk to me like that.  I am your father, young man.”

 

He just crossed his arms and rolled his eyes.  Little defiant bastard. 

 

“Benjam-”

“Alright, alright, don’t go crazy.” He apologized and shut his door again.

 

I shook my head on my way into the bathroom.  Fucking brat.  I turned on the shower and started to get undressed.  I could hear Jessa go into the bedroom.  As I set my shirt on the counter I saw something in the trash can.  It was Jessa’s pregnancy test.  I leaned into the trash further and saw the little stick, more clearly.  No way, I shook my head with disbelief.  I picked it up and stared at it…it had a blue line.  In my experience a blue line meant positive.  But…but Jessa said it was negative.  She said she wasn't pregnant.  Something just didn't add up.

"Jess?" I called coming into the bedroom, stick still in hand

"Yeah?" she turned around and stared wide eyed at the pregnancy test in my hand.

"What's this?"

"It looks like a pregnancy test, Benj."

"Yeah, I know…yours?…How come it's positive?"

 

She shrugged.  She looked nervous.

 

"Jessa!?"

"What?"

"Are you pregnant or not?!" I yelled.  She wouldn’t she lie to me?  Would she?  Why?

"Benji, please…"

"Please what?  Are you pregnant!?"

"Yes." She nodded.

"Jessa!   You…you lied to me!?"

"Benji, please, I didn't…"

"Didn't what?  Didn't want me to know?  Why?  Were you gonna kill it?  Do you not wanna be pregnant THAT much?!"  I just fucking went off.

"God!  No!"

"What then Jess, why are you lying to me about…our children!" I really could not accept this.

 

"Just nevermind, Benj…I…"

"You what?"  I couldn't help myself.  "Women don't lie about this stuff for no reason Jessa…what's going on?"

"It's nothing, you know now, what's the difference?"

"WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?!" I shouted.  "The difference is you WEREN'T going to tell me."

"I was…I just…wasn't ready."

"Wasn't ready?"  I was just getting more and more confused as she started getting upset. "Why?"

 

She sighed.  “Benji you don’t understand”

“Your damn right I don’t.  I don’t understand why you’re lying to me.  I don’t understand what your problem is.  I don’t understand why you’re leaving me out.”

“I’M NOT!”

 

I sighed and threw my hands in the air.  She’s right I didn’t understand.  I feel like I didn’t even know her.  This was not my Jessa.  She didn’t act like this.

 

“Jess…”

“Benji you’re not even going to try to understand so I’m not going to argue with you.”

“I WANT to understand baby, I really do, but this is really hard to understand.”  I explained calmly sitting on the bed.   “Why couldn’t you tell me?”

***

Why couldn’t I tell you?  Why?!  Because you were REALLY excited about it and I wasn’t.  because I’m fucking heartbroken.  “I don’t know.”

 

“Yes, you do Jess, you fucking know.” He started getting angry again.

“What do you think I’m gonna say?”  I stared at him.   “What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to say you’re sorry for being such a fucking bitch about this.”  He raved.

“What?!”  he was just unbelievable.

"I can't believe you'd just straight out lie to me!" Benji yelled.

"I'm not going to talk to you if you're gonna yell at me." I got off the bed in anger. Benji stood up with me and grabbed me by the wrist, yanking my body towards him.  his hand raised and something passed through his eyes at the same moment and I jumped back instinctively, wrenching my arm from his grasp. 

 

"Benji!" I cried out with surprise and fright.

 

He stepped back as well dropping his hands to his sides and exhaling very slowly.  We both knew what had just nearly happened.  Benji almost hit me.

***