Chapter Two “Into that good night”

I don't do excuses

I don't ask why

It's just a breakdown

It happens all the time

So get outa my face

Don't even try

Ya wanna help me, just let me cry

 

Yeah I loved you all my life

but you don't even know a thing I feel inside

No, by the look in my eye

That I'm just fine but I might need you to hold me tight

 

 

I rolled over and expected to feel Jessa’s skin, her hair, but I only found more blankets and sheets.  Where was Jessa?  I rolled over and looked at the digital clock.  3:23am.  It was 3:30 and she wasn’t in bed?!  I rolled out of bed and dragged myself down the stairs.  She wasn’t in the kitchen or the living room either.  Where was she?

 

“Jess?” I whispered as loud as I could without waking up the kids.  Apparently she wasn’t in range of my whisper.  My heartbeat quickened, what if she couldn’t hear my whisper?

 

I noticed the basement door was open.  “Jess?” I whispered again down the steps as I went down.   The blue glow of the computer screen was what I saw first.  Second was her face fully illuminated by blue light.  It was hard not to rush in like a corny leading man and kiss her all over, but I was so happy she was okay.

 

“Jessa?”  I sighed with relief.  Her eyes peeked up a few seconds and she resumed typing.  “It’s 3am, what are you doing?”

“Writing.  I’m on a roll.”

“Are you coming to bed?” I asked, and suddenly felt a chill, I forgot how cold it gets in here.

“Just let me finish this and I’ll be right up.”

 

“Oh, okay.” Somehow I had a feeling she wouldn’t be RIGHT up.  I didn’t really want to go to bed without her.  It was lonely up there.  I went back up the steps though, I know she can’t write with people around.

 

I went back into the kitchen and rummaged in the fridge, but I wasn’t really hungry.  I poured a glass of juice anyways and sat at the table.  Noah’s sketchbook was sitting on top.  I pulled it close to me and opened it up.  I can see Jessa had added dates and descriptions to the pictures.   Hey drew stuff everyday it looked like.  Zack, momma, Joel, Ben, the dog, his school, the tree.  He drew everything. At least the book was going to good use. He had something that was his.  Maybe he was an artist. A few pages down he practiced his letters.  Jess must have measured the lines for him and he filled in his abc’s.  I swear my kids are too smart.  A few more pages down was a big doodle taking over the entire page and in Noah’s own sloppy preschool handwriting, Dad.

 

Aww.

 

I had a big orange head, blue eyes, and black hair scribbled on top.  I also had purple dots around my thin little happy smile, my lip rings.  I wanted to rip it out and tape it to my wall, so I could see it everyday.  I don’t care what anyone says to me.  My kids are perfect.  Perfect, perfect, perfect.  My mom told me once that I had inherited all the good things my dad had ever had, that I was gonna be a great dad because I knew how NOT to be a dad.  I think I was a great dad because I had GREAT kids.

 

They were my best friends nowadays.  No one made me laugh the way they did.  No one lifted my spirits the same way they could.  I’m such a daddy.  I was totally the guy with Cheerios in his pockets.  The guy who can braid hair, and make funny voices for the characters in books, and build forts under the dining room table, and play horsey ‘til my sides ache and I can’t breathe.

 

Call me whatever you want to for thinking these things all the time, but I just couldn’t get over it.  How much I had.  How happy it made me. I had to keep it on my mind, it kept me sane.  Made me grounded.  I used to be a rock star.  I used to be “Benji Madden”.  I used to be a celebrity.  Now I was just Benj, just a husband, just dad.

 

I set my glass in the sink and took Noh’s sketchbook with me upstairs.  I peeked into the kids rooms a second.  I set Noah’s book on the low table, then kissed each of the boys heads.  I stopped in Ben’s room, he was curled up as usual.  In Isabel’s room I found her completely covered with her blanket, not one strand of hair peeking out.

 

Finally, I went into the bedroom and dove into the bed, but I knew I wasn’t going to go to sleep until Jessa came back up.  I sat up and turned on the TV, there was such weird TV on at this time.  I started watching an infomercial about this invisible dog leash.  After awhile I heard the doorknobs turning and for a second I thought one of the kids was up, but realized it was Jess.

 

“Finish up?” I asked when she finally came into our room.

“For tonight.” She smiled.  “You didn’t have to wait for me.”

“I wanted to go to bed with you.”

 

She smiled at me.  She leaned over the bed and cupped my cheek.  “I love you, babe.” She kissed me.

 

She crawled in bed next to me and I shut off the TV.  I cuddled close to her and she sighed, rubbing the back of my neck.  We fell asleep within minutes in each others arms.

***

I couldn’t believe it was time to get up already.  I felt like I just went to bed.  Looking over at the clock reading 7:13, I realized I had.  I crawled in bed well after 4am.  God, I haven’t been up ‘til 4am in…in a really long time.  I felt like crap.

 

Benji was already awake.  He woke me up 20 minutes ago, I vaguely remembered, but I must have passed right back out.  I can’t believe he could get up either, I guess since he got a few hours before me, he was good.  I crawled out of the covers and went into the bathroom.

 

I got dressed as quickly as I could.  Changing into a track suit and tennis shoes.  I tied my hair up and went out.  I could hear everyone in the kitchen.  My stomach hurt really bad, I must be starving.  I smiled and walked in.  Ben was arguing with Isabel.

 

“Who cares if we’re late, it’s the last day of school, you little loser!?” Ben said through a mouthful of cereal.

“I’m not a loser.”

“Ben!” Benji chastised.  “Don’t call you sister a loser.”

“Little loser!” Joel chanted.

“Don’t listen to Ben, baby”  I kissed his forehead.

“Morning Jess.” Benji handed me a cup of coffee.

“Thanks, morning.” I accepted.  “Morning babies.”

 

They all voiced their good mornings and concerns.  They all had quite a bit of morning energy, god to be young again.  Within a few minutes I was forced awake and searching for Noah’s shoes as everyone else finished up getting ready.

 

“Jess, did you eat?” Benji called across the house.

“I will in a minute.” I crawled down on my knees and found Noah’s shoes.  “Noh, I found your shoes!”

“Thanks Mommy!”

 

I went back into the kitchen, reaching for a muffin and my abandoned cup of coffee.  I picked the cup up and took a big whiff.  I suddenly felt really sick and I ran to the first floor bathroom, pulling the lid to the toilet up and threw up. It burned, probably cause I haven’t eaten yet.  I finished and sat back on my heels against the tub.  Eww, what was wrong with me?

 

“Mommy did you throw up?” Isabel appeared at the door.

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

“MOM’S SICK!” she announced.

“No baby, I’m okay.”

 

As predicted Benji was downstairs within seconds. "Jess, are you okay?"

Followed by the rest of the kids.

"Mom's sick?"

"Momma's sick?"

"Are you okay Momma?"

“I saw her throw up!” Isabel announced like it was a good thing.

“I’m fine you guys.”

“Are you sure?” Benj asked concerned.

“Of course I am, I feel fine.”  I pushed them all out of the bathroom.

 

The phone rang and I went to answer it.  It was better than them staring at me.

 

“Hello?”

“Jess, hey, it’s Ren.”

“Hey.”

“You still watching Gee for me today?”

“Yeah, when are you bringing her?”

“Jess!” Benji scolded.  “You’re sick, you’re not watching anybody.”

“You’re sick?” Ren overheard.

“No, I’m not, I’m just fine.” I glared at Benji.

“Hey, I don’t wanna make you do anything if you’re sick.  I’ll just bring Gee with us, it’s okay.”

“Ren I’m not…”

“No, no, it’s okay, I’ll call you later.”

 

I hung up and Benji frowned at me, his arms crossed.  I made a face at him.

 

“Jessa, if you’re getting sick, I don’t want you…”

“I am NOT sick, leave me alone, Jesus Christ.” I rolled my eyes and walked ahead of him into the kitchen. 

“Bitch” He muttered under his breath behind me and I bet he thought I couldn’t hear him.  I kept it to myself, staring icily at him, but I wasn’t about to fight in front of the kids.

 

And I had been in such a good mood too.  Being able to write was so awesome.  It was like everything changed.  I felt so…accomplished, I guess, at being able to write again.  Having something I could do just by myself.  Something else to occupy my mind other than the kids.

 

“I’m going to the studio, Ben, you wanna ride?”

“I guess, can we pick up Courtnie?”

“Yeah.” Benji stood up, not looking at me once.  “Bye kiddos.” He hugged, Noah, Iz, and Joel before heading out the door with Ben in tow.

“Bye.” Ben waved.

 

Fine, so don’t say bye, ass.  I ran to the front door, sure to catch him before he took off.

 

“Benj, don’t forget to call the doctor about that rash, you don’t want it to get worse.”  I yelled loud enough for the neighbors to hear.

“What?” he called out, completely stunned.

“And don’t scratch it!  It’s really red and gross babe.”  I shut the door and smiled to myself.

***

I didn’t get sick again all day, which was a good thing.  Even though Benji called 400 time to check on me.  I should be thinking about how sweet and wonderful my husband was, but instead I was annoyed and snapped at him.

 

I tried to savor my last day of freedom before the kids were out of summer, but it was hard to do with Joel running around and Benji calling and the fact that the kids were all out at 1 today.  I was trying to get Joel to nap for a bit before it got all crazy and loud again.

 

“Momma, idawanna take a nap!”

“Oh c’mon Joely, just a little one.  We’re gonna get Noh and Izzy in a little while”

“But I’m not” he paused to yawn.  “sleepy.”

“Oh you’re not huh?” I smiled

“Where’s dadda?”

“Work.”

“I wanna go there”

“You wanna go to work, buddy?”

“Uh huh,” he nodded.  “I can help dadda.”

“Oh I’m sure you can, but right now it’s nap time.”

“Nooooooooooooooo!!”

“Joely please”

“Idawanna”

“Joel, c’mon…you want me to lay with you?”

“Can we sleep in your bed?” he pouted.

“Oh yes, c’mon little man.”

 

I took his hand and shut the door gently.  I led Joel into mine and Benji’s room and lifted him onto Benji’s side of the bed.  I climbed in on the other side.

 

“I’m gonna be dadda, okay?”

“Okay baby.”  I gave him a squeeze and kissed his forehead.

 

Joel was out like a light in 2 minutes.  I started to drift off too, but willed myself to stay awake.  I had to get the kids in an hour.  I turned on the TV to MTV blaring it as loud as I could.  Benji could sleep with the TV on, I however liked silence.  Joel can sleep through anything.

 

Sometime after the MTV news break things got fuzzy, the next thing I heard was the door slam and someone running up the stairs.

 

“JESSA! JESS!?” Benji screamed.

“What?” I woke up aggravated.

“Hi dadda.” Benji picked him up and kissed his forehead, then leaned down and kissed mine.

“Jess, are you okay, what happened?” he turned off the TV.

“What?!” I was so confused.

Benji put his hand to my forehead.  “Babe, are you feeling alright?”

“I’m fine, I just took a nap with Joel, what are you doing home?”

“Jessa it’s 4 o’clock.”

“WHAT?!@”

“Ben called me and said you hadn’t picked him up.”

“Oh my god.”

“Then Noh and Iz’s school called.”

“OH MY GOD…it’s FOUR!?!”

“Baby, are you okay?” he repeated.

“I…I dunno.”

***

Jess seemed a little disoriented for the rest of the night.  Despite my pleas, she refused to go to the ER either.  She was insistent that she was okay.  I made dinner for the kids and she laid down on the couch, she barely even ate.  I swear she threw up, but she said she didn’t.

 

I was so worried out of my head.  She’s never passed out like that before.  I don’t think she’s ever passed out like that ever.  She’s kind of a light sleeper. I wish she would go see a doctor or something.  What if she’s really sick?  I wish she would stop being so stubborn.

 

She was upstairs laying in bed and scribbling in a notebook.

 

“Babe?” I called, stepping inside.  “I brought you some juice.”

“Okay.” She continued writing.

“Whatcha doing?” I leaned over and kissed her cheek. 

She pulled the book away.  “Nothing.”

“Are you sure you don’t wanna go see a doctor Jess?”

“Benj…” she sighed.  “Just get off it.  I’m okay.”

“I just…”

“I know you just.” She leaned up and gave me a kiss.  “But stop it alright.”

 

I sighed defeated and laid down next to her.  I propped myself against my folded arms.  She obviously wasn’t gonna talk.  She usually wasn’t this stubborn, but I guess she knows herself better than I know her.

 

“So, are you writing?” I turned towards her.

“Kind of.”

“I’m glad you’re writing again”

She turned over and smiled.  “Me too.  I missed it a lot.”

“I know you did baby.  Just think how in a few months or something you’ll be starting production again and it’ll be like there was a never a break.  They love you.”

 

She smiled at me.  “Thank you.” She kissed my cheek.  “Do you mind if I go down stairs and write again?”

“I guess I’ll have to make do with a girlie magazine.”

“Perv.” She kissed me again.  “I’ll be up in a little while okay.”

“alright.” I made myself as comfortable as I could in her absence.  “Jess?”

“Yeah?” she turned.

“I love you.”

 

She smiled and blew me a kiss.

***

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but Benji being so incredibly fucking sweet was not helping.  That doesn’t make sense, but it was true.  I kinda didn’t want to go down into the basement and spend time on something I knew I wasn’t going to see through to completion.  I guess I just needed to be alone.

 

It’s such a shock and I guess that’s what’s hard to deal with. I’m a married 32 year old woman with a family and I just didn’t expect this right now.  I was so ready to really go back to work, to focus so much more on my career.  Is that selfish?  Is that wrong?

 

Benji has always known about my goals.  I have wanted to make movies and tell stories for, as long as I could remember.  And yes, my goal of having a family was even more important to me.  But it never dawned on me that I couldn’t have it all.  That I couldn’t have the career I wanted and have the family I needed.

 

I was going to cry.  If this is true then…then that’s it.  Then this is my life, trapped inside these walls.  I guess trapped is the wrong word.  I chose this,  I chose a life with Benji in Maryland raising our family and sharing our lives.  There was just this huge part of me screaming, crying for attention again and I couldn’t ignore it.  If I were older, I might, but I’m still very young.  I still have a big part of my life ahead.

 

Benji isn’t old, but he’s had his career.  He gets to bask in his family life.  Spend the time when he wants.  He gets to reap the benefits of all his hard work.  Sit back and enjoy his life, completely set for life, completely fulfilled.  I was not satisfied with reaching only half my goals. He would understand that, he would, and if he didn’t he would try, he would make himself understand because he loves me and he hates to see me cry.

 

Great here they come.  The big salty tears running down my face.  I sat behind the desk and laid my head on it.  My shoulders began to shake as I cried harder. 

 

This was just so unfair.

 

“Babe?” I looked up at Benji and I just cried harder.  “Whatsa matter?”

***

The first new sense you get when you become a father is a sense of crying.  I could hear someone crying from pretty far, or I could tell over the phone.  You get this instant alarm in your head that makes you think your kid is hurt.  Well the alarm was going off. 

 

I went into the kids rooms and found them all asleep, so that means Jess is crying, or one of the neighbors is being weird.  As I got downstairs I heard it louder.  She was really wailing.  I found Jessa in a puddle of tears in the office, her head down against the desk, her body shaking with tears.

 

"Babe, whatsa matter?" I asked like she was one of the kids.

 

She just shook her head and wailed on.

 

"C'mon." I rubbed her shoulders.  "Upstairs, let's go."

 

She stood up and fell against me, making that sucking breath sound, like when little kids throw tantrums.  She was so upset and it made me upset.  I kept rubbing her shoulder on the way up.

 

"Benj." She sobbed when we reached the room.

"What the matter, Jess?"

"We-we're having another baby."

I was puzzled.  "You're.."

"I'm pregnant."

"Are you sure?" I asked, rubbing her shoulder.

 

She sobbed again.

 

"Oh, Jess, c'mon baby, that's not such a bad thing." I squeezed her to me.  “We’re having another baby.”

"Benji…I…” her eyebrows furrowed with worry.

“Baby, what’s wrong?”  did I miss something?

“I…was really looking forward to getting back to work and all that.  Joel was old enough. I thought I was done.” She fought her tears.

“Done?”

“I am so tired of being the pregnant little wife…”

 

I sneered.  She sounded so…stuck up.

 

“Don’t give me that look Benji.  You don’t know what I feel like.”  She was suddenly pissed off.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, what the hell are you talking about?”

“I know you do wanna hear this, but as the mommy I get stuck with a lot more work than you daddy.” She said it so disgustedly.  “you didn’t lose anything in this situation.”

“Lose?  You think you lost something by being a mother?” This didn’t sound like Jessa at all.  Jessa loved being a mom, she loved having our children, at least that’s what I always thought.

 

“No…I, I don’t know a better way to say this.  I had to give up or put my career on hold because I was a mother and I’ve been fine with it, but now I was finally getting back into my groove.  And Joel’s going to school next year and everything, it was perfect.  I was allowed some freedom…”

“Jess, I’ve always helped with the kids”

“You aren’t listening to me!” she yelled.  “You were out on tour or doing some interview, talk show, all kinds of things when I stayed home and nursed a baby and changed diapers.  And finally, FINALLY they are old enough for me to get a little more freedom and you’re home more and BOOM, the Maddens hit lucky 5!”

 

I didn’t know what to say. I had no idea she felt this way.  It was bang, ‘I hate my life Benji’.

 

“I…I’m sorry I just…if I’m really pregnant then…”

“Wait, you don’t know?”

She shrugged.  “I’m pretty sure…”

“Baby…baby.” I tried to soothe her.  “Look don’t freak out.  Why don’t we find out for sure before you do anything, okay?”

“Benji I’ve had 3 pregnancies I know what it’s like…”

“I know you know, but I just really don’t want you to be upset.  Maybe if we get a test and see for ourselves it won’t feel so bad, ya know.  Maybe you’ll feel better about it.”

“Maybe.” She didn’t sound sold, but I squeezed her shoulder.

“Baby, we always work everything out, don’t we?”

She nodded.

“Then why is this suddenly the end of the world?”

 

She tore herself from me and narrowed her eyes.  “Do you know how many kids we have?”

“Um…4”

“FOUR!  I don’t know about you, but that is a fucking lot of kids, it takes a LOT of energy to take care of them.” She yelled.  “This is a baby.  I don’t know if you remember, but babies are as much work as the more grown kids, if not more.  And no matter how many diapers you change it is STILL, MY job.  I am still mom.”

“Oh that’s just fucking great Jess.”  I rolled my eyes.  “I’m so fucking insignificant in our kids lives, huh?  And you do EVERYTHING?!  Well fuck you, bitch.  I do a lot for my family, don’t you dare say I don’t take care of my kids.”

“When you have to!” she muttered.

 

I swallowed hard and breathed out.  I couldn’t believe these words were coming out of her mouth.  I was so pissed off.  I was livid, two words away from throwing something.  I had to get out of here.  I headed for the door without another word to her.

 

“Where are you going?” she asked as I went down the stairs.  I didn’t answer.  “BENJI!”

 

I just kept going, slamming the door shut behind me then leaning against it and breathing out into the darkness.  I felt like I was having a heart attack.  I was hyperventilating for sure.  We have argued too many times to count, but we have never fought like that before.  It’s never gotten so intense. It’s never gone on 2 nights in a row.

 

It made me want to die.

 

I went into the garage and got in the car.  I sat there a few minutes contemplating if I should go back inside.  She’d probably just start fighting with me again.  I opened the big door and started the engine.  I hope she felt really fucking sorry for making me leave.

 

I just didn’t understand this at all.  She was so upset and angry with me and I didn’t get it.  I hated this feeling.  I sped around the corners on purpose.  I stopped at the sign and banged my head against the steering wheel.  This just sucked.  Here I am, leaving my family when I’m angry.  Turning my back on my wife, my possibly pregnant wife.  Something is fucking loose in my head I swear to god. 

 

Finally I accelerated forward and turned up the stereo.  It was one of Jessa’s CD’s, I pressed the button to change it.  I wasn’t going to listen to that right now.  The Clash came on and I loosened up.  Good music.  It never hurt you, it was always there.  I was singing along top of my lungs when I pulled up to the store I realized.  Who cares?

 

I hopped out and into the store.  There was a line, how many people need gas at 11 at night?  Finally after everyone had gotten their gas and soda’s it was my turn.  The girl smiled at me kinda funny and all I could do was smile back.

 

“How you doin’ t’nite hun’?”

“Hi, Marlboro red box.”

“Sure.”  She reached up and handed me the box.  “$4.25”

 

I pulled out my wallet and handed her a five.

 

“Ya know, I know who you are.” She said getting my change.

“That’s nice.” I really didn’t need a fan moment now.

“Your wife is gorgeous.” She grinned and handed me the change.

“She is, thank you.”

“And VERY lucky.”

 

I smirked and walked out, hitting the cigs against my palm, before getting back into the car.  The music blared back out at me and I lit up, sticking the stick between my lips as I pulled back into traffic.  Finally I took a good drag.  It felt and tasted good. I pounded on the steering wheel and sang along between puffs, driving around in the middle of nowhere.

 

I decided I’d go see Joel.  Joel would calm me down.  He’d make me see what was wrong.

 

When I pulled up to his place I put out my cigarette, but noticed all the lights out.  Not even one in the bedroom or living room.  Nothing.  At least someone was in bed with their wife.  I guess I shouldn’t wake him.  Let Joel be happy with his family.

 

I could see Tony at his hotel.  I picked up my phone and called him.

 

“Benj.”

“Hey man.”

“Sup?”

“Mind if I come up and hang out for a few?”

“You alright?”

“Eh, I just…I need to chill out.”

“What’s going on man, you don’t sound good.”

“Can I tell you when I get there?”

“Sure, come over.”

 

I flipped a bitch and headed towards his hotel.

***

Benji showed up smoking a cigarette and not wearing a jacket.

 

“Dude?”

“Hey.” He slumped inside and fell onto the bed, lips still attached to the cig.

“Benji, what’s going on?  Something happen with Jess?”

“You’re almost as good as Joel man.” He rolled slightly and grinned, flicking his ash on the floor.

“I’ve just been through some rough shit like this…what happened?”

“She’s ‘pregnant’ again man.” He made little quotes.

“Pregnant?”  I asked.

“Well she’s not even sure, but she’s freaking the fuck out.  All this stuff about abandoning her career and then you know what she told me!?” he started yelling.

 

I just sat there and listened.  “Naw man, what?”

“That I don’t fucking care about the kids, that she does all the fucking work.”  He shook his head.  “I swear to god…”

“Are you drunk Benj?”

“No.”

“Good.” I nodded.

“I’m just…how can she fucking say that?”

“I dunno, Benj, she must be pretty upset.” God, I used to encourage this behavior.  I used to tell him ‘fuck her’ but I guess losing a wife changes that perspective.  I would do anything to get Renee back. I really would.

 

“Yeah…she is.” He sat up and smoked the remainder of his cigarette.  “I love her a lot man, I spent all day worrying about her, thinking about her.  And I come home and she’s a fucking bitch.”

“I know Benji, but you know this won’t last.”

“I dunno…”

“Believe me, Jessa loves you just as much as you love her.” I explained.  “She’s upset and hormonal and you can’t get mad at her about this.”

“Dude, and you call me old.  You’re a regular psychologist.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Oh…sorry.” Benji frowned.  “I don’t know what to do.  Can I stay here you think?”

“No Benj.”

“What?!”

“Benji, go home to your wife and sleep with her and tell her you love her.  Don’t you lose her.”  This hit home really hard.

 

“Tone…” he looked at me.

“GO home Benj, be with Jessa, she does need you.”

“Thanks man.” He pulled me into a hug.  “You’re my best friend, you know that?”

“Yeah I know, you’re my bitch”

 

He smiled and laughed.  “Thanks for listening and shit.”

“Anytime B.” I patted his shoulder.  “You’ve done it for me.”

***

“Jess?” I called when I got back to the house.  She didn’t answer.  She was probably asleep.  I set the bag from the drug store down on the coffee table and laid on the couch.  I should go upstairs, but I was beat and trekking all the way up there didn’t really sound like something I wanted to do.

 

We’d be okay.  Sometimes we needed to cool off right.  I laid my hat on the table next to the bag, kicked off my shoes and went straight to sleep.

***

I woke up for the 15^th time and Benji still wasn’t in bed.  Where was he?  I was so worried.  I must have really made him mad.  God I felt like shit.

 

I decided to go down and get something to drink.  Maybe sit and wait for him to come back.  The first thing I saw when I got down was Benji’s shoes on the floor and then there he was sleeping on the couch.  He looked adorable, but I hate him sleeping on the couch.  It means he was mad at me, that he didn’t want to sleep with me.

 

“Benj?” I brushed light hair off his forehead.  “baby?”

 

He snored on, but I rubbed his cheek.  I laid down next to him, loving that our couch was big enough for that.  I wrapped his arms around me and cuddled close to him.

 

“Jess?”

“Hi baby.”

“Hi baby.” He answered sleepily, hugging me and kissing the back of my neck.

“Benj, I’m….”

“Shhhhhhhhhh.” He hummed into my neck.  “Not now.  Just go to sleep baby.”

 

I sighed and shut my eyes.

 

 

 

 

“Just Let Me Cry” Ashlee Simpson