Chapter 1 “On the Sunny Side of the Street”

It could all be so simple

but you'd rather make it hard

loving you is like a battle

and we both end up with scars

tell me, who I have to be

to get some reciprocity

see, no one loves you more than me

and no one ever will

 

 

“Jessa, be nice.” Benji warned me.

“You’re telling me to be nice to my best friend?”

“Jess…” he sighed, looking right in my eyes.

 

I rolled my eyes and went back to brushing my teeth.  Renee was coming out from Chicago today and staying a few days while her new boyfriend goes to some convention.  Tony was following, saying he wanted to visit with his friends, but everyone knew he was following Ren.  Because he wanted to see his daughter and because, even though he would never admit it to anyone, he was still in love with Renee.

 

“It’s so fucked up.” I spit. “she’s taking his kid away from him.  That’s just…how can she do that to him?”

“I know but it’s…”

“Benji!” I turned around and leaned against the counter.  “Tony is your best friend.  Not only that, but you have kids.  How could  you not sympathize with him?”

“I do, but it’s…I really just wanna be his friend and Ren’s friend.  I don’t wanna take sides.”

 

I rinsed my toothbrush while shaking my head.  Benji continued to shave.  I took a handful of water and rinsed my mouth.

 

“Besides, if we alienate Renee she won’t bring Gee over at all and then she’ll just leave everyone forever.”  He sounded so reasonable.  “I know you don’t wanna lose her friendship over this Jess.”

“I…yeah.” I nodded, I guess I was a little guilty for treating her like some criminal.  She was a friend.  She’s been my friend for almost 15 years and Benji’s right, I can’t abandon her.

“Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.” He rubbed the towel he’d been using to dry his face in my hair and gave me a kiss.

 

I followed him into the bedroom.  He was wearing just a red towel from the bathroom, his hair all wet from the shower.  He picked up the pair of boxers he stripped out of before and proceeded to sniff them.

 

“GRRRROOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”

“What?” he pretended he HADN’T just picked up a crusty pair of underwear.

“You are not wearing those.” I grabbed them and tossed them to the basket.

“I like those.”

“Clean ones Benj, please, that is soooo sick.”

 

“Or I can go commando” he dropped the towel as I turned around.

“Don’t be such a tease.”

“Tease?” he asked, innocently “Tease?  Me?”

 

He wiggled his hips a bit and I blushed.  “BEN-JI!”

“What?  Don’t ya like it Jessa.” He danced around, humming a tune.

“Stop dancing you weirdo.” I shook my head as I went to the closet, ignoring him and his swaying cock.

“Can’t stop now, the rhythm has got to me…” he danced closer to me, humping my leg.

“Benji!”  he kept on humming something I couldn’t tell.  “are you getting off on this?”

 

He finally stopped and started giggling.  I loved that laugh, it reminded me so much of the boys.  He fell back on he bed still completely naked and still laughing, rolling around slightly at his own sense of humour.  I laid next to him.

 

“You’re such a goofball.” I said, hugging him close

“I know.” He hugged me back and rubbed his nose with mine, then kissed me.

“What were you humming anyway?”

“That little suicide chick.”  He blushed.  “She’s cute.”

“She’s 14!”

 

Benji shrugged.

 

“Pervert.”

“So, what are you doing about work, Jess?”

 

That came out of nowhere.

 

“What do you mean?”

“I know you wanna go back.  I know you wanna…film you’re little heart out.”

 

I smiled.

 

“C’mon babe, the kids are a lot older now.  If you need to go to LA or New York or Timbuktu we’ll be right there for you.  I mean I don’t have a real job anymore, I can take care of them.”

“You’re so sweet.” I cupped his cheek in my hand and smiled into his eyes.

“I know.” He giggled and kissed me again.

“I dunno, those fucking execs never called me again and I’m having some serious writers block.”

“I’m sorry, baby, if you need anything, you…you know where I live.” He laughed at himself and got up to get dressed.

 

I watched him wiggle into his clean boxers and laid back on my arms.  I sighed, I did want to work again.  I missed it so much.  Maybe I’d go stare at the blank paper tonight.  I rolled over on the bed towards Benji and he was putting on his shoes.

 

“You getting up today?” he raised an eyebrow at me.

“Yeah, in a little bit.” I rolled back over.  “I have a tummy ache.” I rubbed my stomach.

“Oh you do?” he walked over and leaned over me.  He rubbed my stomach, along with me.  “You’re probably just hungry.”  He leaned down and nibbled on my belly.

“Yeah, probably.” I rolled again, now on my side.  “Where’re you going?”

“Joel’s.” he stood up.  “They’re bringing Nate home today and he’s putting in a new bed for him and Alex.”

“Oh, you gonna be there all day?”

“Dunno, Tony’s helping out too.”

“Well Ren’s bringing Gee over here and she’s gonna hang out for a bit and then go with troy.”

 

Benji nodded. “Mind if Tony comes over for dinner?”

“Well…I kind of invited Ren and I don’t know if it’s a good idea if…”

“Yeah…damn.” He frowned.  “You gonna come see Nate, tonight?”

“Probably not.  Ya know with all the kids.”

“Right…” he nodded.  “Well…I gotta get going”

“Okay.” I sat up.  He gave me a quick hug and a kiss.

 

“Love you babe.” He waved as he took off and I went to get dressed.

***

“So, this is Maryland?” I looked around at the scenery from the kitchen window.  They had a nice big backyard, guess they’d need it for the kids.

“Nice huh?”

“It’s gorgeous and green” I smiled.

“It’s spring,” Jessa shrugged, then ducked back down into a cupboard.

 

I haven’t seen them since Joel was a baby.  We lived so far away from each other and Jessa didn’t get out much.  But since my divorce I really wanted to see Jess and Benj and the kids.  Now that the opportunity presented itself, I took the chance.  They had changed though.  The house looked like something out of better homes and gardens.  Seriously.  It was freaking huge, on the water, isolated.  Whole new meaning to the word, Made.

 

“So where’s Benji?”

“Joel’s” she nodded.  “They’re moving in his new bed.”

“Oh, I’d pay to see them acting all macho man”

“They’re not being macho…they’re just moving a bed.”  She stood up with containers that she found and began filling them with goldfish crackers.  “If I don’t use these the boys will crush them up in the baggies.”

“God…” I started to shake my head.

“What?” Jessa made a face.

“You’re so domesticated.” I blurted out.

“Are you forgetting something?”

“What?”

“I was never wild”

“Oh sure you were…” I made a face back at her.  “If I could show you a video of you and Benji back in the day, you'd see how much you guys have changed.”

“If by changed you mean grew up and had babies and moved to the east coast, then yeah we changed, but it’s a good change.” Jessa seemed kind of pissed.  “It’s not a change we can’t handle.  WE still love each other.”

“What’s that mean?” I asked offended.  There we go again.  She acts like she’s so much better than me.  “Ya know, you fucked Benji in Tony’s jeep…”

“Ren!” She yelled and kind of giggled.  “Shh, there’s kids in the house!”

“Like I said…domesticated.” I smiled.

 

Jessa rolled her eyes and kept doing whatever she was doing.  I guess she was right.  Jessa was cut out for this kind of lifestyle, but it was still surreal to see my former roommate in a big suburban house with 4 kids running around, and with a husband like Benji.  I mean it was surreal to be living my life.  That I married Tony, had a child.  I was married for 6 years, I never expected to even get married, but I was young and stupid, I guess.  I mean when I met Jessa we were backstage at a maroon5 concert and I was throwing up into a trashcan in the hall, now we’re standing in her kitchen while she makes lunch for all our kids.

 

“So how long is whatshisname’s convention?”

“TROY’S convention is 3 days.” I answered.  “You don’t even know him Jessa.”

“Yeah, whatever.” She waved her hand and cut the sandwiches into little quarters.  “Does Gia like him?”

“Of course.  I wouldn’t go out with a guy if my daughter didn’t like him.  C’mon Jess, give me some credit.  Gia is ALWAYS gonna be my daughter, I don’t know if this’ll last.”

“I’m sorry.” She looked at me sincerely.  I sighed.  I really didn’t need to lose my best friend in this too.  I thought she hated Tony anyway.  “This is just weird Ren.  I’m used to you and Tony.  Don’t you think it would be weird if I wasn’t with Benji.”

“Yeah, I guess, but you and Benji are different”

 

“How?  How are we different?”

“I dunno, you guys…I don’t know.  You seem happier.  You don’t have the same kinds of problems.”

“What?  Of course we have problems.  We argue.  Everyone does Renee, nobody has the perfect marriage.”

“Yeah, well you and Benj come closer to that than anyone else I know.”

“Really, that’s what you see?”

“I dunno Jess…you guys are so happy.  You’ve got this great house and these great kids and this great life.”

“Look, you’re my best friend and I’m not gonna say this to hurt you but…you had a great house and you HAVE a great kid and you had a good life with Tony…”

“Jess…”

“You were happy at some point, don’t lie to me and say you never were.  Things between you guys fell apart, but don’t make me feel sorry for you because me and my husband still like each other.  Benji and I are far from perfect and we fight just as much as you and Tony ever did.”

 

I fell silent.  Wow, that was really mean.  I can’t believe she said that to me. I suppose she was right, I did have something good with Tony, but she doesn’t know how it feels when your man sleeps around and lies to you about it.  If Benji cheated on Jess, she’d do a lot more than just divorce him, that’s a fact.  It’s so easy for them to think I’m the bad guy, but he did this to himself.  I loved him so much, and it hurt me more to leave him.

 

I shook my head.  I didn’t want to be upset.  I grabbed a handful of goldfish and stuck them in my mouth.

***

“So, how’s it feel to have a teenager?” Tony laughed at me.

“Shut up dude.  He isn’t a teenager…not yet.”

“Admit it Benj, you’re old.” He smirked.

“Ask my wife.” I shrugged with a smile.

“Ooo…he’s bringing the ladies into this.” Joel added.  “tell us all about it stud.”

“Shut up Joel.”

“You brought it up!”

“Well…it’s personal…”

“Whoa, you are old, you never used the word personal before.”  Tony grinned. “It was all ‘Jessa did this’ and ‘she’s so hot’.”

“Well she is still hot.” I wiggled my eyebrows.

“Word!” Tony agreed.  “I gotta go see good ol’ Jess.”

 

I smirked.

 

“Naw seriously, how are the kiddos?”

“They’re good.  Joel’s really into copying whatever his brothers do.  Noah’s going to school.  Isabel loves taking Polaroid’s, and Ben…Ben can be such a teenager about everything I swear.” I complained. “I mean I guess he’ll grow out of it.”

“C’mon Benj, he doesn’t hate you, you were 12 before.” Joel explained.

"At least you get to be with your kids all the time." Tony sneered.  "Gia won't even call me daddy.  I'm just Tony."

 

I frowned.  Tony had been pretty depressed all year.  First, he found out the therapist Ren had been seeing for their marriage issues was sleeping with her, then Renee left him for the therapist (and guess who got the therapy bills?).  The worst part was that they had a 6-year-old daughter in the middle of this.  She was the cutest kid.  Big blue eyes and straight dark brown hair, big mischievous grin like Tony's and he hardly ever saw her.  Renee was doing a great job of keeping gee from her dad.

 

"She calls that asshole, daddy.  He stole my wife, then my money, and now my daughter too."  Tony frowned.  "I want my life back."

“I’m sorry, tone.” Joel comforted.

“I’ll be alright.” He put on a brave face.  “C’mon, we got stuff to do before you bring your baby home.” He patted his shoulder and leaned down to move some stuff.

 

To say I felt bad for Tony was an understatement.  I felt terrible that all this was happening to him.  I felt bad anytime my friends were in a bad place.  For so long they looked out for me, made sure I was alright.  Now it was my turn.  Now I was the happy one and I had to make sure my friends weren’t going down that bad path.  I mean we were guys and we never consciously talked about being married and having kids, it was just understood we all wanted that one day.  Nothing comes out the way you plan I guess, because I wanted a family, but I hadn’t planned on it. 

 

“How’s the boys Joel?”

“Great.  It’s been hard with Alex spending so much time at the hospital ya know, but they’re so excited we’re bringing Nate home.”

“I bet you’re excited.”

“Relieved.” Joel sighed.  “Everyday me and Alex would be over there with him, I’m glad we’re gonna have him here.  Hospitals make me nervous man.”

“Yeah, I know.” Tony nodded.  “That one time Gee was real sick and Ren took her to the ER…god, I was so fucking scared.”

 

I nodded.  Thank god none of my kids had ever been that seriously sick.  I hated hospitals. We cleared the way for the new bed and talked about everything from Blink 182’s reunion to little Joel’s obsession with cookies.  It was cool having Tony around again.

 

Around 3 we went downstairs and Joel wanted us to help him clean up.

 

“Dude…what the fuck?  Are we your maid service?” I made a face.

“C’mon, I want don’t want Alex to be distracted.” He moaned.  “Just…just help me pick up a little.  Then I’ll treat you to lunch.”

“Hey, I didn’t know free food was involved.” Tony picked up a pair of shoes off the floor.  “I’m in!”

 

Jessa would love to see us now.  Three grown men cleaning up.  I felt like I should be wearing an apron and carrying a feather duster.  Jess might even like that one.  I hope her stomach was feeling better.  Last thing she needed was to be sick right now.  Suddenly my mind was reeling with all the things that made people sick to their stomach.  What if she wasn’t feeling better and she had to go to the hospital?  What if…god, what was wrong with me?  I shouldn’t worry that way.  I’m sure Jess was fine.

***

“Dinner’s ready babe.” I leaned in the doorway of the office.

 

Benji looked up from the computer and nodded, then put his head down again and continued reading.  I smiled curiously.

 

“What are you looking at…porn?” I giggled.

“Naw…just some research”

“Research?”

“Yeah, nannies”

“Nannies?  Mary Poppins and stuff? Why?”

“I dunno…maybe it’s a…”

“Benji we are not leaving our kids with a nanny.”

“I’m just looking.” He shrugged.  “Let’s go eat.”

***

Renee and her new boyfriend were sitting at the big table in the dining room with all the kids and Gia.  We usually sat at the smaller table in the kitchen.  The dining room was kinda fancy, it was for when we had company.  Her boyfriend looked like a pushy trainer from a gym.  Leather-like tan face, bleached blonde hair, and teeth so big white and shiny you could almost see your reflection.  He looked like a cartoon character.

 

“Hi.” I held my hand out politely.  “I’m Benji.”

“Hello, I’m Troy.” His hand even felt like leather.

“Dadda, he’s the same color as Oompa Loompa Doompa-dee-doo!” Joel shouted. And I spit out a laugh and quickly turned it into a cough.  Renee opened her mouth in shock.

“Uh, s-sit down, Joel.”  I gently pushed him into his chair and sat down myself.  “Don’t be rude.”

“Sowwy” he frowned.

 

Through out the whole dinner Troy talked, loudly, interrupting everyone’s stories and putting his own two cents.  It was annoying as hell. I was ready to punch this guy.  Especially when he added in his psychobabble.  I wish he would stop analyzing my family.

 

“I’ve seen a  lot of people with the same problem, ya know when…” he was saying as he chewed his potatoes.

“Chu have big teeth!” Joel tapped on his teeny tiny ones.  Oh thank god for my son.

“Joel!” Jessa gasped.  “Sweetie, don’t say that.”

“It’s the truth.” He argued.

“Well, buddy I’m a lot bigger than you are.” Troy smiled.

“I’m a big boy” he confirmed.

“That’s right you are kiddo.” I rubbed his head.  “but you need to apologize to Troy.”

 

He stared at me as if to say are you kidding me?  I don’t think Joel liked Troy.  That or he didn’t like being picked on by his parents at the dinner table, which is totally possible.  He’s three and he has 3 other kids to compete with.

 

Reluctantly Joel apologized and troy said, and I quote ‘That’s quite alright.  Kids can be so blunt, it’s refreshing isn’t it?’ Yeah, because Joel was totally right, you egotistic windbag, with big ass teeth and orange leather skin.

 

We finished eating and I helped Jessa clear the table.  It was better than associating with Mr. Orange.  Renee , troy and the kids went into the living room.

 

“Jesus Christ, is it just me or is that the antichrist?” I said once the kitchen door shut behind me and I set a pile of plates on the counter.

“Benji! Don’t say that!”

“Tell me you didn’t buy into him?”

“Look he’s annoying, but keep your voice down he’s gonna overhear.”

“Oh believe me, he won’t mind, he’ll probably suggest I go to anger therapy.” I rolled my eyes.  “‘You’re repressed, you’re repressed!’  You think he hypnotized Renee?”

“Benj!” she laughed.

I grabbed a spoon off the counter and ticked it back in forth.  “Watch the spoon, Jessa.  You are getting sleepy, very sleepy.” Suddenly I had a Freudian accent.  “You love your hussbend ja?”

“Uh, ja!” she nodded.

“No you dun’t, you love me, de psycho…ologist.”

Jessa laughed and batted my spoon hand away.  “shhh…stop it!”

 

Suddenly I stopped.  “Is that the door?”

***

I followed Benji out into the living room, as he tucked his spoon in his back pocket.  Tony just waltzed in before we could answer the door, not like I minded, but Ren looked dumbfounded.

 

“Oh…uh…you have…uh, company?” he swallowed, eyeing Troy.

“Yeah, dude, I, uh…” Benji awkwardly explained.

“Naw, it’s cool, I understand.” He waved his hand.  “Hey Gee.”

“HIIIIIIIIIIII Tony!” she grinned.

“Whatcha doin’ babygirl?”

“I played barbies with Izzy and then we had dinner and it was yummy, except the veggables.”

Tony smiled.  “Veggables make you big and strong.”

 

I could see Renee boiling and troy grabbing her arm.

 

“Tony, why are you here?!” she suddenly bursted.

“I dunno Ren, cause my friends live here?” he spat back.

“I don’t want you around my daughter.”

“OH now she’s not my daughter?!” he sneered.

“Tone, calm down” Benji tried to stop him.

“Benj, you try being calm with this bitch!”

“We don’t need that kind of language around the children.” Troy attempted to mediate.

“Stay out of this asshole.”

“Whoa, whoa, chill dude, Jess?” Benji motioned to me to take the kids in another room.

“C’mon babies.” I coaxed.  “Let’s go upstairs.”

“Don’t let him be in charge of your emotions, Renee.” Troy coached.

“No, Jess, it’s okay. This is over.  C’mon Gee.” She grabbed Gia’s hand, and gave troy a look.

“Ren!” Tony pled.

“Tony she’s my daughter and I don’t wanna fight with you.”

 

Tony looked really upset.  He sighed.  “Can I say goodbye to my daughter?”

 

Ren reluctantly nodded and I was surprised.  Tony got down on his knees in front of Gia. He kissed her forehead.

 

“I love you, babygirl.  Don’t you forget it!”

“I love ya too Tony!” she grinned.  Tony’s frown deepened and he hugged her tighter, giving her forehead another peck.

“I love you so much Gee.”

“That’s enough.” Ren tore Gia from his arms.  “Let’s go back to the hotel, baby.”

“Can I play with Tony later?”

“We’ll think about it pumpkin.” Troy picked her up.

 

I saw Tony cringe.  It must be really hard to see some other guy picking up your daughter and calling her pumpkin.

 

“I’ll call you tomorrow, Jess.  Thanks for dinner.” Renee took Gia, who was waving at her father behind her mother’s back. 

“It was nice meeting all of you.” Troy waved and opened the door for Ren and Gee.

 

The door shut and Tony slumped onto the couch.

 

“Chu need cookies, uncle Tony?” Joel looked up at him.

“Cookies sound great little man.” He chuckled.

***

After the kids were in bed we joined up in the bedroom.  Benji was sitting on the bed, flipping channels.

 

“Whatcha wanna watch?” he asked as I began to change.

“Eh, I’m not in a TV mood.”

“Oh, what are ya in the mood for?” he wiggled his eyebrows.

“Not that, pervert.” I rolled my eyes.

“What’s up with you?  You in a bad mood?”

“No!?” I spat.  Okay, so maybe I was.  I was probably PMSing.

 

“So, what’s the matter?” he asked after a beat.

“God, I can’t just be sleepy.”

“I guess, sorry”

“Whatever Benji.” I sneered.

“Jeez, what’s your problem?”

“Problem?!”

“You’re all moody.”

 

I scoffed and went into the bathroom.  Moody, MOODY?!  He followed me of course.

 

“Sorry, babe, I didn’t mean…”

“I know what you meant.”

“If you know, than what are you mad at me for.  I didn’t do anything.”

“No, of course you didn’t.” I said sarcastically.

“What the fuck?  What are you talking about?”

“Nothing, you’re just annoying me, just…just go over there.”

“I didn’t fucking DO ANYTHING!?” he yelled.

“Keep your fucking voice down!” I yelled back.  “Would you just leave me alone?”

“No, what the fuck is your problem Jess?  Cause I called you moody, oh boo fucking hoo.”

“You are such a fucking asshole.  Just leave me alone, I don’t wanna talk to you.”

“FINE! Whatever!” he marched out of the bathroom.

 

“Asshole.” I murmured as he left.  He was being such a dick, for no reason.

“Hey, don’t call me an asshole, bitch.  You’re the one getting all fucking bitchy.” He came back, obviously overhearing.

“Don’t start with me.”

“You already started it.”

 

I groaned.  I was really not into fighting with him right now.

 

“I’m not doing this with you.” I pushed past him and went back into the bedroom.

“Fine, fine, FINE!”  he rolled his eyes.  Seriously, talk about moody.

 

We were quiet as I continued getting ready for bed and he stewed on the bed with his book, that I’m positive he wasn’t reading.

***

I just sat there on the bed boiling as she finished getting ready for bed.  We were absolutely silent except our fast hard angry breath.  She was gonna blame me, when she was the one that started this.  It’s not like I wanted to fight either.

 

“Renee wants us to watch Gee tomorrow.” She said, finally breaking the silence.

“Oh great,  dump us with your kids.  Since when are we a daycare.” I threw my book down.

“Benji!” she yelled.

“Oh don’t play like it doesn’t bother you.  We oughtta fucking charge.” I rolled my eyes.  She complained about it all the time, but I point it out and I’m a criminal.

“They’re our friends, Benji.”

“Yeah, and we are not fucking babysitters.  You’re not.  Does it occur to them that we might have something to do?  Maybe we need some time for our own family,” I stood up and ranted.  “Or hell, maybe we wanna fuck.  Oh wait, that isn’t a problem, is it?”

“Oh and since when are you not fucked?” she got all offended.

“It’s few and far between, Jess.” I explained.

“Oh, so it’s not enough, huh?  Sorry I’m not a fucking nympho barbie doll willing to go at it every hour of the fucking day.” She spat.  “Why don’t you go get yourself a mistress, you asshole!”

“I didn’t say that!” god, this was getting too intense.

“What the fuck are we even fighting about Benj?” she shouted.

I shook my head, “I dunno.  I need a walk”

 

I walked out of the bedroom and down the back stairs to the kitchen.  I went out through the French doors taking care to be quiet.  My footsteps echoed off the wooden deck.  It was a really nice night out.  The sky was clear and the moon was bright.  I leaned on the railing and looked out across the lawn and to the creek.  I rested my face in my hands and sighed.  I wasn’t mad anymore.  I don’t know what I was mad about in the first place.  I hated when we fought.  It made me feel bad. It made my heart hurt.

 

Things just got so tense sometimes and we were so incredibly stubborn with each other.  We equally gave in to each other though.  And we knew it.  I knew when she was right and giving me the benefit of the doubt anyways, and I’m sure she knew when I did it for her. It was part of marriage, part of our marriage.   I loved her for pretending I was right when I wasn’t.  I loved her for being a stubborn bitch sometimes.  No, I shouldn’t call her a bitch.   A brat.  Jessa could be a brat.

 

I could feel someone watching me and looked up to the bedroom window where Jessa stood, watching me, like I thought she was.  She smiled and waved.  I smiled back.  I turned back towards the creek and walked down the deck towards the yard and the wooden deck chairs out on the lawn.  It was a really great place to sit and think or be alone.  Very relaxing and mellow.

 

I sat down and shut my eyes for a few seconds to calm myself even more.  If I had a pack of cigarettes I would have lit up, but I just sat there, looking at the water and the moonlight. Connecting with myself and kind of praying, being thankful for all the wonderful things I have.  My wife and beautiful kids and all my nieces and nephews.  My family was the most important, best, and biggest achievement of my entire life.  I smiled.  I did well.

 

“Not bad for a kid from Waldorf” I chuckled at the sky, when I heard the grass rustling.  I expected Jess to be coming out here to make me go upstairs and get in bed with her, but I was surprised to see Ben dragging his feet across the ground.  He sat down at the chair next to mine.

 

“Hey, what’re you doin’ up?”

“I heard you guys.” He answered.  Damnit, I wished he hadn’t.  “Dad…”

“Listen, it was a really stupid argument, Ben, don’t get upset about it, or get worried.  Your mom and I are fine.” I smiled patting his shoulder.  “I promise.”

“Dad I don’t wanna go to high school next year.” He breathed out slow.

I wasn’t expecting that.  “Well you don’t have to.”

“I thought you guys wanted me too.”

“Ben, we want you to be happy.  We don’t want you to be worried about making us happy.  You already do that.” I smiled.  He’s a lot more sensitive than I realize sometimes.  “You’re a great kid to have Ben, really.  You make me so proud.”

“Really?”

“Yeah kiddo…you’re smart and…I just can’t believe you’re 12 sometimes.” I shook my head.  “You’re so big now.  I still see this little kid with a Kool-Aid stain around his mouth, playing with Lego’s on the floor, but that’s not you anymore…you’re…I dunno.”

 

Ben grinned and shut his eyes.  I didn’t mean to be so mushy with him, but I can’t help loving my kids.

 

 “I never imagined Georgie and I could have such an awesome kid.” I saw him cringe.  “I know you kinda hate her Ben, but…believe it or not, she was a great woman.  She was smart and beautiful, you did get a lot of who you are from her…if you had known her when she was sober, you’d know what I mean.”

“I don’t want to have anything from her.”

“Ben, maybe she didn’t show it, but…but she loved you with all her heart.  You were all she had.”

“All she had of you.” He pointed out.  He sneered and muttered something.

“What?”

“If she hadn’t loved you, I wouldn’t even be here.” He repeated.  “she didn’t love me, she loved you.”

“Ben…”

“Whatever.” He stood up.

“Ben, stop it!”

 

He stopped and turned around.

 

“Why didn’t she love ME?” he started to cry again.

“Oh…kiddo…I don’t know, Ben, I don’t know.” I hugged him, tight.

“I loved HER.”

“I know that.” I soothed him.

“Dad…” he sighed.

“Yeah.”

“I’m…I’m really glad I have you…and mom… Jessa, I mean.”

“I know what you meant.  We’re really glad we have you too Ben.” I kissed his forehead.

 

I smiled.  “C’mon let’s get back in the house.”

 

I lead him back inside, through the kitchen.  Jessa was cleaning something on the counter when we walked in.

 

“Ben? What’re you doing up, sweetie?” she asked.

“Talking to dad.”

“Oh, okay.” She smiled.

 

He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around her.

 

“I love you, mom.” He squeezed her tighter.

She looked so surprised as she squeezed him back.  “I-I love you too, Ben.”

He just stood there hugging her for a few minutes. She patted his back, “Are you okay sweetie?”

 

He let go and smiled at her. “I’m gonna go to bed, now.  Night mom.” He kissed her cheek.

“Night.”

“Night, daddy.” he stopped a second and blushed, I rubbed his shoulder.  “Dad.  Thanks.”

 

He pounded back upstairs to his bedroom.

 

“He still calls me daddy.” I chuckled.

“You are his daddy.” Jessa smirked as she continued cleaning up.  “What were you talking about?”

“Some stuff.” I answered, opening the fridge door to rummage.

“Some stuff?” she turned towards me.  “What is with this keep mom in the dark bullshit?”

“It’s cool Jess, I have it under control.  He talks to me.”

“And you don’t talk to me!” she yelled.

“Jess!”

“Jess, what?  I wanna know what’s going on with our son.”

“Don’t you trust me?” I pointed to myself?

“Of course Benj, but…I mean I’d still like to know what he doesn’t want me to know about.”

 

I sighed and wondered if Ben was listening in right now.  He’d hate me forever if he heard me tell his mom about the stuff he’s told me.

 

“It’s…”

She looked at me expectantly. “well…”

“I don’t wanna break my promise, babe.  I want him to be able to trust me.”

 

She sighed and threw up her palms, beginning to leave the room.

 

“No, wait…Jessa…can’t you understand this?”

She shook her head and slumped down onto the couch.  “I dunno Benj, I understand how you want him to trust you and all that…but I don’t like being left out.  I am his mother.”

“Yeah, think about that, babe.”

“Think about what?”

“About his mother?!” I emphasized.  If she figured it out I didn’t betray him right?

“His mom?  He’s sad about his mom?”

“I can’t say anymore Jess.  Promise me you’ll let him come to you on his own.”

“Okay.” She nodded, solemnly.

“C’mon babe.”  I motioned upstairs.

***

Benji started up the stairs, but he turned when he realized I wasn’t behind him.  “Jess?  You coming?”

“I’ll be up in a minute.” I nodded.

“Alright.” He shrugged.  “See you upstairs.  Night.”

“Night babe.”

 

He continued up and I went into the kitchen to finish cleaning up.  I felt drained.  Fighting with him made me so tired.  I wanted to just leave the kitchen a mess and go up to bed.  Cuddle, kiss and make up, but I knew I still needed to calm down a bit.  I needed just a few minutes to myself.

 

I picked up and lazily wiped down the counters.  Now I was worried about Ben on top of whatever else.  I mean I knew he had to some feeling towards his mom, but I didn’t realize it was causing him so much pain.  If I could meet that woman I would smack her.  Ben was a little boy, an innocent little boy, and she couldn’t even try to get her act together for him.  I just didn’t understand how a mother can do that to her child, I guess I never will and that’s a good thing.

 

I picked a pile of magazines and mail on the counter and took them downstairs, into the office.  Benji had a habit of bringing his work upstairs.  He says he felt alone down there.  I was the opposite.  I loved having a place to myself to work for a bit.

 

I sat down at the desk and opened up the file for my script.  It was last opened 7 weeks ago, that’s nice.  I don’t know how I just lost it, but suddenly I had no ideas.  I read it for a few minutes before closing it.  I was never gonna finish that.  I decided to waste time online for awhile.  Reading horoscopes and taking quizzes.  All of a sudden I opened my script back up and I did something I haven’t done for a very long time.  I started writing.