He's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I'd hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
His hair reminds me
Of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by
Oh, ooh oh sweet child o' mine
Ooh oh oh, sweet love of mine
Oh, oh oh oh sweet child o' mine
Ohh, sweet love of mine
I pushed Alex's wheelchair into the nursery, carefully avoiding
any machines in the path. I slowed as I
reached Nate in the corner.
"That's him?" she smiled.
"Yup."
I kissed her forehead as she looked down at him and marveled.
"He's so perfect, Joely."
"I know."
"Is he…is he okay?" she asked.
"He will be, just like you will be." I smiled.
She sighed and nodded weakly.
She kept giving me these looks.
Like I wasn't allowed to be hopeful, like I should accept that she and
Nate might get hurt again. But I
couldn't accept that. Right now I had
them. I wasn't letting go for anything
in the world.
"Mrs. Madden?" Dr. Figg came into the room. "Hi, I'm Dr. Figg,
I've been looking after Nate."
"Hi." She smiled.
"Alex Madden." She held
out her hand.
Alex had a thing about shaking people's hands. She said you could tell a lot about people
from their handshakes. She says her
father taught her that. She smiled when
she let go of Dr. Figg’s hand. I guess
she liked him.
"Well, Nate's doing pretty well for his size." He explained.
"As I was telling your husband, he'll probably be able to breathe
on his own in a few days. His lungs were
pretty well developed."
"Did you have to give him stuff?" she frowned looking
at Nate instead of the doctor.
"You mean steroids?
Yes, but it's not really much more than kinds asthmatics would
use."
"It's not going to…like…change him?"
"The side effects from steroids and life-support in
preemies are usually mild and pretty rare.
I really don't see anything wrong with Nate."
"What about him leaving the hospital?" I asked.
"Well, being off a ventilator and leaving the hospital are
two very different things." The doctor explained. "He'll need to stay under observation
and on the heart monitor for a while."
I saw Alex flutter and gasp.
“What’s a while?” she asked
“About a month.”
The doctor nodded. “A
few weeks maybe.”
Alex gasped again. I
thought she was going to faint or something. “Al?”
She shook her head to tell me she was okay.
“I know this is hard for you guys, but out of all the premature
children I’ve seen and worked with, your son seems…”
“Don’t bullshit me please I’ve been through enough.”
“Uh..” Dr. Figg was dumbfounded.
“I’m sorry, but I’m sure you’ve told all those parents the same
thing. So please spare us, just take
care of him the best way you know how.”
“I can do that Mrs. Madden.” He smiled. “I’ll leave you guys alone with him, now.”
“Thank you, Dr. Figg.” I shook his hand as he started on his way
out.
“You’re welcome, I promise I will take
good care of Nate.”
The doctor left us alone and I went and stood closer to Alex and
Nate.
“He’s so perfect isn’t he?” I asked.
She leaned back and looked up at me. She smiled.
“He looks just like you Joely.”
“It’s the ears.”
“It’s the everything.” She added.
I leaned down and gave her one long loving kiss.
"Wow." She grinned when I pulled back. She giggled. "W-wow"
"I love you so much, baby."
"I love you too Joely." She hugged me.
"I was so worried."
I explained. "They said…I
thought I was gonna lose you, Al."
She just smiled with a breath.
"I like that you shaved." She pointed at my chin.
I reached my hand up and ran my fingers along my smooth
face. "oh,
y-yeah." I almost forgot.
She reached
her own hand up and touched my face. “I can see you again.”
I grabbed her hand and kissed her fingers. I shut my eyes and squeezed her soft warm
hand. I exhaled very slowly then opened
my eyes again.
“You didn’t have to. I
mean I didn’t hate it, th-that m-much…” she was
beginning to cry.
“Shh, don’t cry, baby.” I kneeled in front of her offering my
shirt as a tissue. “It was time to
realize I can’t hide behind hair.” She
ran her hand along my face and smiled hopefully.
We watched Nate there sleeping inside his little bubble for a
while. Like we didn’t want to walk away
and miss something, or walk away and lose something. Suddenly there was a rapping on the window to
the outside. We both looked up, startled
the sound and by momma and Josh looking in on us. I waved at my big brother and he smiled and
pointed excitedly at Nate.
“Why don’t we get out for a bit?”
“Yeah, okay.” Al nodded, but paused to look back at Nate and
press her face up against the plastic.
She whispered so lightly it was like wind. “I love you, baby boy.”
***
Josh hugged me and handed me a bouquet of flowers. “Hey, Alex.”
“Thanks.” I smiled up at him.
This was hard, being out here with everyone else, when Nate was alone in
there.
“He’s so little, man.” Josh grinned. “He’s fucking cute.”
“Josh!” Joel’s mom chastised.
“Yeah I know.” Joel was such a proud daddy, he always was.
I felt so weird and disconnected. I wanted Joel’s arms around me and I wanted
my family around me too. Marrying Joel
gave me a real family, something I never had and had always wanted. Even without his dad. I had 2 parents who spent their lives at
cocktail parties and business meetings.
I had nannies and macrobiotic meals made by a certified nutritionist and
if my kids want to eat nuts and berries when they’re old enough to make
decisions so be it, but for now, eat sugar and be
happy. My dad paid attention to me when
he could, but my mother was completely detached from me. I didn’t have a caring
doting mother, not like momma Madden. It
might be neurotic, but I was jealous of Joel in that respect.
I hated to say my parents made me so crazy, or caused my screw
ups, but they certainly didn’t hurt the situation. Lack of nurture, lack of
attention, neglect. I was given
everything money could buy. Brand new
clothes, cars, apartments in college, everything. But I realized everything they did to me when
I was in college and I was “angry” to say the least. It made me depressed and just completely
lost. If I had no parents, than who the fuck was I?
Everything I thought I was and had was a fucked up store bought version,
but not Joel. Joel was a home cooked
meal and kisses goodnight.
I was a fucked up poster child for depression. I was a sad girl and a bitch and highly
opinionated and stubborn, so I guess I am my mother, but I love my husband. I love my kids and I hug them and I let them
be the people they are going to be. I
don’t call them whores or try to send them to an institution. I won’t force them to marry some kid of my
business partner because
I think we’re the next Kennedy’s.
“Alex?” Joel was leaning over me.
I did it again. I had
closed off and spaced out. I had gone to therapy years ago, and the doctor told
me that I keep all my anger in my head and I go over it and shut out everyone
else while I do it. We used to practice
me saying it all out loud, but I had gone back to the space outs, lately. I didn’t like the boys seeing me yell about
my mommy not hugging me.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, great.”
I muttered and Joel stared at me. He
knew I was lying. He always knows. He won’t always call me on it but he knows. He leaned down and hugged me again, rubbing
his hands along my shoulders. He was so
good at that.
I suddenly wished we were at home. Cuddled up in bed together with our new
little baby Nate cradled between us. Making little sounds as he slept and woke up and got comfortable. Just like we used to with
Sam. And then with Zack, Sam
sitting up on top of Joel’s stomach and asking us if we liked the new baby
better. We’d cuddle and kiss and hug the
boys. Sam would act kind of jealous of
Zack and Nate until Joel or I would hug him and tell him what a good boy he
was. Zack would tell us about school or
sing a song, simply relish in being one of the big boys now.
I couldn’t hide my smile, thinking about it.
“I wanna go home.” I told him.
“Soon I hope.” He squeezed.
He released me and his mom, Jeff and Josh just stared at
me. It was making me uncomfortable. Jessa told me once that all the time she was
pregnant or gave birth, she felt like a circus act, like everyone was just
watching her and waiting for her to do something amazing. I knew the feeling.
“Um…where’s the boys?”
“They’re with Benji and Jess.” Joel answered. “I’m gonna go see them in a little while if
you’re okay.”
“Of course, I’m okay Joel…” I started making a face until I saw
his hurt eyes. It must have been so
scary for him. “Alright.”
“Benji and Jessa are coming over, aren’t they?” Josh looked
confused.
“Honey, they have all the kids to take care of. Benji always feels so responsible for
everyone. I wish he wouldn’t do that.”
Momma worried.
“You know your son, Robin.
He thinks he has to.” Jeff mentioned.
“Well, I’m the big brother.”
Josh added.
Joel laughed.
“Hey! I can take care of
the boys or any of the stuff Benji does.”
“Yeah, sure you can.”
“You told Sam his brother came from mars and he wanted us to put
him on a rocket ship and send him back.” I rolled my eyes.
“Hey, my cousin told me that’s where the twins were from when I
was little.”
“We’re not from mars!” Joel sounded offended. “We’re from Uranus!”
“Joel!” his mom gasped. “Would you two stop being so vulgar.”
“Sorry mom!” they chorused.
I giggled. Things were
almost normal, other than my wheelchair and the hospital ambiance. I wanted to be with the boys already, all
three of them. I wondered how they were
doing with Benji and Jessa. I wonder if
it’s too much of a handful for them.
***
I heard the bedroom door creak and my eyes shot open. I was surprised I could wake up. Benji was halfway propped up with a copy of
Variety open across his belly, he was snoring.
He must have fallen asleep reading.
The boys had us up until 1:30, crying for their parents. This of course kept up all four of our kids
and no one got any sleep. I was
contemplating giving everybody an off day and sleeping in, but if I got up,
half of them would be in school all day.
The latter sounded great.
"Dadda."
Joel sounded actually sleepy, poor kiddo.
He usually filled to the brim with excitement. He tugged restlessly on Benji's shirt. "Dad-da!"
"Hey, Joely…" My hand flew out of the covers and
across Benj, to signal my baby boy.
"Momma…" He started.
"I…I went pee pee."
"Aww, did you wet the bed again Joel?" I started
sitting up. He nodded vigorously.
"I sorry
Momma."
"Baby, it's okay.
Let's get you all cleaned up, alright?" Joel nodded again. I rubbed my eyes and pulled the covers off. I shook Benji, I was gonna need help to get
the army ready for school.
"What, no..not now, Joel."
"Jessa!"
I corrected. "Babe, get up I need
your help."
"What?" he opened his eyes and looked at me, he
blinked to adjust his eyes. "Oh,
hey, I thought you were Joel."
"I right here dadda!" Joely smiled.
Benji chuckled. "Not you munchkin.
Your uncle Joel." He pulled Joel onto the bed. "You're all wet buddy?"
"I pee peed." He shrugged.
"Oh." Benji turned pink.
I almost laughed.
"Can you clean him up. I gotta get everybody set for school." I
said.
"Well I gotta clean myself up, now, don't
I Joely?"
"I guess."
Benji smirked. "Oh you guess? C'mon little man, let's go take a
shower."
I smiled as they went into the bathroom and I went out into the
hall to wake everybody up. I knocked on
Ben’s door and heard a groan inside.
“Ben, you’re going back to school today!”
“Ughhhh” he moaned.
I ignored him and went into Noah and Joel’s room. Noah was awake and busy with his sketchbook.
“Whatcha doin’, Noh?”
“Colorin’ a picture for uncle Joel.”
“That’s so sweet baby.”
“Daddy said he’s sad.”
“Aww, baby, uncle Joel will be okay”
He nodded.
“You wanna get dressed?”
“Okay.”
I smiled. “Okay, I’m
gonna wake up Iz, so start to get ready and I’ll help you in a minute.”
He nodded again with a determined look. I left and went next door, Ben brushing past
me to go to the bathroom, still groaning awake.
“Isabel..” I knocked on her door as I
opened it.
She was still dead asleep.
I went across the room and shook her shoulder.
“C’mon Iz, get up baby.”
“I’m sleepy.”
“I know sweetheart, but you gotta. Please?”
She rolled over and made a face, looking just like Benji. I smiled at her and she continued, deepening
her frown, the dimples in her cheeks becoming more apparent. Nobody wanted to get up today. She sighed and threw her covers off. I left her and went to one of the empty
rooms, where Sam and Zack were sleeping.
“Hey guys.” I coaxed them slowly.
“Hi onnie Jessa.”
Zack smiled sleepily.
“Hi Zacky, it’s time to get up.”
“Is my momma home yet?”
“I’m sorry honey.” I frowned.
“You’ll see her soon.”
“When is soon?”
This kid, man, he broke my heart. He frowned at me wearing his little footsie
pj’s with fire trucks all over them. He
was a lot like Noah, sensitive to a fault, but he was also the funniest kid
you’ll ever meet. I looked over at Sam, he was still curled into the comforter.
“Hey, Sammy.”
I shook his shoulder a bit.
“What?!”
He yelled. “Leave me alone.”
“Sam I know you wanna be home with mom and dad, but…” God, I didn’t know what to say to him. Sam was a smart enough kid to know I was just
trying to make him get up.
“Can I call my dad?”
“Um…we’ll try in a little bit, okay. Get dressed okay, buddy?”
“o-kay…” he sighed, sadly.
***
My phone rang loudly, making everyone in the hallway stare at
me. I smiled sheepishly and grabbed it
from my pocket. The number on the window
said Benji&Jessa. I flipped it open
and put it to my ear.
“Hey?”
“Dad?!” it was Sam.
“Hey buddy.” I smiled as I walked down the hall.
“Dad, I miss you and mom.”
“Aw, I know buddy. I’m
gonna try to see you today”
“Are we gonna have to stay here again?”
“I dunno yet, kiddo.”
“I wanna go home, daddy.”
What was I supposed to say to him? I wanted to go home. I didn’t want Sam and Zack to stay with Benj,
if they didn’t want to and I certainly didn’t want Alex and Nate here, but
there was nothing I could do it was beyond my control.
“Really soon, I swear” I went out the automatic door and leaned
on the balcony
“Pinky swear?”
“Absolutely” I smiled. I
felt better even talking to him. I missed
my kids. ”I love you, Sam.”
“I love you too daddy.”
I sighed.
“Hey, Sam, can I talk to uncle Benji?”
“He’s not here.”
“He’s not?”
“He’s in the bathroom”
“Okay, how about your aunt Jess?”
“Hold on…” Sam’s mouth came away from the phone and I could hear
all the kids in the background, I felt bad.
Benji and Jessa get stuck with the kids a lot. “AUNTIE JEEESSSSAAA!”
“Hel-Ben, knock it off-lo?”
wow, she can scold mid-word
“Jess?”
“Hey, Joel, how’s everything going?” she sounded tired.
“Alright, I guess…Alex is in recovery and Nate…” I couldn’t stop
shutting my eyes and fighting back tears.
“Recovery?”
“Yeah, Alex had to have surgery and they,
um…they took part of her uterus and…”
“oh, Joel I’m so sorry.”
“it’s…it’s gonna be okay.”
I could almost see Jessa’s mouth hanging open. “I can’t believe you’re so positive.”
“I gotta be, ya know?” I shrugged. “I’m probably gonna go see the boys after
school or something. I don’t know if
they’re gonna need to spend the night again…”
“Don’t be ridiculous Joel, of course
they can stay…”
“I just…I know it’s hard for you guys to..”
I started.
“It’s harder on you.” She was probably the most understanding
person I know besides my mom. But Benji
and Jessa were also the suffering soul types, they
keep helping and helping, even if they’re breaking. I loved my brother for that. He knew I’d do the same thing for him in a
heartbeat.
“Thanks Jess. I don’t
know what we’d do without you and Benj.”
“Aww, don’t be all sappy on me.” She sassed back, but I can tell
she was touched. “When can we go see the
baby?”
“Tonight maybe, he’s in an incubator, but, I mean you can see
him.” I heard her sigh. “He’s doing
really good though…..um, is Benji out of the
bathroom?”
“I think so, but he’s getting dressed and stuff. I’ll have him call you”
“Alright.” I nodded even though she couldn’t see
me. “Can I say goodbye to the boys?”
“Sure.”
I leaned against the wall and looked out at the endless
metropolis. The sky was bluer than blue
even at 8 in the morning. It was such a
pretty day. I day when
we could have gone to the park or eaten dinner outside in the backyard. I had to scold myself. This wasn’t the end of the world. There was always next May and the May’s after
that.
“Hi daddy.”
“Hey, shrimp.” I smiled. I remember how Zack got that
nickname. Alex was about 2 months
pregnant and the doctor was showing us these pictures of fetuses. He showed us one and said Zack was about that
size now. I thought it looked like
shrimp, and thus, Zack had a nickname.
“I love you Zack.”
“I love you too daddy.
I’m eating cheer-Os”
“Really?”
I had trouble getting him to eat anything not completely covered with sugar.
“And banan-nana’s”
I laughed. “I’m glad,
shrimp, I love you. Let me talk to
Sammy.”
“SAAAAMMM!”
“Dad, are you gonna come get me?” Sam asked right away.
“Just go to school, buddy, I’ll see you when you get out, okay.”
“O-kay”
“Have a good day today Sam, I love you.”
“Love you too.” I could hear him pouting. I hated this. I hated Sam being mad at me. He wasn’t supposed to be mad at me.
“Bye, Sam.” I tried to sound happy.
“Bye daddy.” He hung up on me.
Great Sam, make me feel like crap.
I sighed and dropped the phone to my side. I had to remember that everything was going
to turn out fine and it was gonna take awhile, but everyone was gonna be okay.
“Hey Joely” I was shaken from my thoughts as Josh and Sophie
came towards me with bags of greasy fast food in their hands. “We bought breakfast!”
***
The day went pretty smoothly.
I hung out with Alex all day watching TV and checking up on Nate. It’s not like there was a lot of change from
this morning, but I had to keep a constant watch, on both of them. I was worried about the boys too. I know they probably felt a little homesick
at Benji’s, not that they haven’t stayed the night a hundred times, but I know
they missed us and felt out of place without their own rooms or things.
I talked to Benji and he and Jess were planning on bringing the
boys with them to the hospital tonight, while my mom watches the kiddos. He’s totally playing the supportive brother,
talking softly and stuff. I could see
his frown in my mind. I knew he was
feeling really shitty, because I had been.
I really loved my brother, my brotherS and my mom and sister. What would I do without them?
I glanced up at the clock on the wall again. 2:15. I was going to Benji’s to talk to the
boys after school. I should get going
soon.
“Isn’t Sam out yet?” Alex asked.
“Yeah, Jess should be picking them up now. I’m gonna head over there.”
“Okay, tell the boys I love them and I miss them and make sure
they have whatever they need to stay the night again and…”
“Geez you’d think I wasn’t their dad, Al.”
“Sorry.” She grimaced. I
leaned down and gave her a hug and a kiss.
“Bye baby, love you.”
“I love you too, Joel.”
I left feeling kind of guilty for leaving Alex, even though I
knew she was well taken care of. I had
to think of what I was gonna say to the boys.
Sam was already freaking out and I didn’t want to scare them, but how
could I explain this to little kids without scaring them.
I could say that mommy was sick and had to stay in the
hospital. They’d both be freaked out by
the word hospital. Or they’d ask too
many questions. I could say that mommy
and Nate needed to stay somewhere else for awhile, but they can see them
whenever they wanted. No, that was
retarded, even Zack could see through that.
I’d have to tell them the truth in the broadest sense. They wouldn’t understand premature and
surgery, but they could understand early and not feeling good.
Benji and Jessa were both home, seeing as all the cars were
here. I parked on the street and walked
up, almost tripping over the big wheel in the path. I pushed it aside and continued. I knocked as I opened the door. I always walked right into Benji’s. That’s probably why I interrupted so much
stuff.
“Hey, anybody home?” I called.
"Daddy!"
Zack ran to the door mowing down Noah on the way, and plowing right into me.
"Hey shrimp!" I leaned down and picked him up. I smiled when I caught sight of Jess helping
up Noah. "Hi Jess, where's
Sam?"
"He and Iz are doing homework." she motioned to the
dining room.
With Zack wrapped around my torso I went into the dining
room. Sam looked up from his homework
and jumped out of his seat.
“DAD!” he cried.
“Hey Sammy.”
I smiled.
“Hi, uncle Joel.” Isabel smiled.
“HIIIIIIII, Unca Joel.” Joely waved. “
“Hey guys.” I laughed.
“DAD, where’s mom? Where
is she?!” Sam bounced around my feet. I
set Zack on his feet.
“C’mon boys, let’s go into the living room…okay?”
I led the boys, pushing them forward by the shoulder. I sat down with them on the couch and hugged
them close.
“I love you guys so much!” I squeezed tighter. “Sooo much!”
“Ow, daddy that hurts!” Zack pouted.
“Sorry shrimp,” I half smiled.
“Where’s mommy at, daddy?”
he looked up at me.
I frowned. “Listen boys,
I don’t want you guys to be scared or anything.”
They both looked up at me with these wide eyes and I
swallowed. I had to tell them at least
the G rated version of what had happened to mom and Nate. I took a breath.
“Mom is at the hospital right now.”
“Is she sick?”
“Kind of. She had the baby, last night.”
“My little brother?”
Zack asked.
I chuckled and rubbed his head.
“Yeah, your little brother…his name is Nate.”
“Nate’s a gay name.” Sam made a face.
“Sam!”
“It is!” he threw his hands in the air.
“Sam we don’t call anything ‘gay’” I scolded.
“Fine.”
Sam pouted.
“Please don’t be like this right now Sam, okay? This is really important. Your mom and Nate are gonna be in the
hospital a few days or weeks. So things
are gonna be…stuff’s gonna be different for awhile.”
“Why?” Sam asked.
“Because we have to be really good boys and watch out for each
other, do you understand?” I asked, getting polite little nods. “Mommy needs to get better, so we can’t do
anything to make her upset okay?”
“Okay.” Zack smiled.
“I thought the baby was coming later?” Sam looked confused.
“Well he was,” I explained.
“but he was…impatient, do you know what that
means?”
“No.”
“You know how when you want things and you want them right now,
well…he wanted to come out early to see us, he wanted
to see us right away.”
The boys were both quiet as if taking everything in. Zack clung to my arm and Sam just stared,
biting his lip.
“Can we go see mommy?”
“And my brother@!”
Zack added.
“You’re gonna go tonight with uncle Benji and aunt Jessa.” I
explained.
“Do we haveta sleep here again?” Sam frowned.
“Yeah, I’m sorry buddy.
We’re gonna go get your stuff and then tomorrow I’m gonna pick you up
from school and we’ll go home.”
Sam pouted again. I
sighed.
“C’mon Sammy. Please don’t, you make my heart hurt when
you’re sad.”
“I’m sorry, daddy.” Sam hugged me and hugged both him and Zack
tight.
We sat there a few minutes just happy to be together. It had been a rough day and a half and it
felt good to be with my boys.
“Daddy, can we go to McDonalds?” Zack looked up at me.
I smiled down at him and then over at Sam. “What’dya say Sammy,
Mickey D’s?”
“YEAH!”
“HAPPY MEAL!”
Zack shouted.
***