"Joel?! Oh God, what's going on?" Benji frantically picked up his phone.

"Hey." I said sullenly.

"Hey?" He already could tell by my tone this was not like when I called about Sam at 3am, and it wasn't like my call from Cali when Zack was born. "Joel, what happened? How are they?"

"They're…uh…they're…" I couldn't keep myself together for even one second.

"Joel?" he asked, with concern.

"Alex is in surgery and Nate's in an incubator and…" I swallowed my tears painfully.

"God, Joel…I'm sorry…I…do you want us to come over there?"

"No, no, don't do that…I'll…I'll be okay."

"Joel, your wife and newborn son are in the hospital, you're not okay. I can tell that you aren't, so don't play games with me." He yelled at me. I just let him. "We'll come and bring you some new clothes and some food. Have you eaten?"

"No." I stared ahead at the ambulances arriving in the driveway below.

"Do you need anything else?"

"No." I watched the people with such interest. "Look Benji, don't. Please, I'll go get some food myself and I'm gonna wait for word on Alex. Don't come over here. I don't need you…to. I don't need you to."

"But Joe-"

"Please." I begged.

"Well, call as soon as you know." he reasoned. "You know we're here for you, bro. Whatever you need, Joel."

"I know." I nodded.

"Bye."

"Bye Benj." I hung up.

I don't think I've ever felt like this before. I felt like I just got my ass kicked. I felt really sick. I ran across the balcony and leaned over the trashcan, spilling the contents of my stomach into it. I retched until it burned and I sunk down to the floor, with tears spilling down my face and collecting in my beard. I felt so fucking helpless.

I finally collected myself and went back inside. I took slow breaths, small steps. It was like each step was important. Maybe I was being dramatic. I couldn’t help this tortured feeling. Why God, why're you doing this to me? And to Alex, and to Nate, he's too young, God.

The NICU was on the 3^rd floor along with maternity and labor and delivery. I was gonna go look at Nate and see how he was. I got out of the elevator and headed towards the nearest nurse's station.

"Can I help you?" the middle aged nurse asked.

"I'm Joel Madden, I'm looking for my son, he's in the NICU."

"Mr. Madden?" a tall thin man came towards me. "I'm Dr. Figg. I've been looking after your son."

"Nate." I answered.

"Nate." He smiled. "He's doing just fine."

"Really?" I followed the doctor to a room.

"Well, better than most babies his age. He's just under 5 pounds and he's about foot long." He explained. "He's in warmer and he's on a heart monitor and breather, but he's doing fine."

None of those things sounded 'fine.' "Can I see him?"

"Yes, of course." He opened a door. "I just want you to be aware of the devices, don't be alarmed. "

I just nodded as he kept talking. This nursery was like any other, but it was so quiet and all the babies were in incubators and hooked up to machines.

"Alright, here he is." We stood in front of an incubator in the corner. He was inside wearing little white pajamas, tubes sticking out of him. He still looked perfect. His little tiny nose, a teeny fingers and toes, his pouty little lips. Those big ears that reminded me of me, his eyelids shut behind eyes too big for his head. He was my son and I wanted nothing more than to pick him up and hold him, so I could feel everything was alright.

"Do you want some time with him?"

I nodded. I quickly looked back down at him. I wished Alex could come see him right now. He might be small but he was alive and he looked absolutely perfect.

"Hi, Nate, it's daddy." I leaned close to the plastic. "Don't be scared, okay? I promise I'm gonna take you home as soon as I can. And you'll get to meet your big brothers, man, they're gonna love you. Mom wants to meet you too, and she will really soon."

I couldn't believe I was lying to my hours old son. I didn't know if any of this stuff was true. But I think I said it more to myself. The more I said it the more real it became, right? I stood up and tried to figure out the hole with a glove on it, so that I could at least sort of touch him. I slowly reached inside and ran my hand along his tiny fragile body. I barely touched him, I didn't wanna break him. I breathed in sharply and I was shaking. Would this nagging worry ever go away?

"Joel?" Dr. Saunders startled me.

"Where's Alex?" I asked frantically.

"Come outside with me." she motioned her neck.

I looked back at Nate then followed her.

"How is she? Can I see her?"

"Joel, I…I want to explain to you what's happened to Alex."

"What?" I shook. "What happened?"

"I just want you to stay calm, alright. She's going to be okay, eventually…"

"Eventually?" I sobbed. "What do you mean? Why are you talking to me like this?" I didn't get it, she's never played games before.

"Alex had a lot of damage to her uterus. Scar tissue from her last pregnancy, it's probably why she was in so much pain. Well, she bled a lot on the table, but we fixed what we needed to. We had to do a partial hysterectomy. Do you know what that is?"

"N-no."

"We had to remove part of her uterus."

She made it sound routine, but that couldn't be something good, could it? Removing anything doesn’t sound good. I swallowed.

"She's going to be okay, though, Joel. She did lose a lot of blood, but she's in the ICU and she's going to be just fine."

"ICU?" I asked. "I thought you said she was okay."

"Well, she needs to be closely monitored for a few hours. She'll be in recovery by evening."

"Can I see her?"

"I'm afraid not. ICU is a visitor free zone. You'll have to wait until she's in recovery."

"What?!" no, no way.

"I'm sorry Joel. Those are the hospital rules. The ICU is a very controlled environment and…"

"This is bullshit. I can't hold my son and I can't see my wife." I complained.

"Joel, I know this is really difficult…" she sighed. "But they're both in a really good condition considering. You can't fall apart. Why don't you get some food and relax for a little while? Call your brother to keep you company."

"Yeah, yeah." I waved my hand at her, as I turned and walked towards the elevators. "What floors the ICU?" I asked.

"Fifth, but…"

"Thanks." I cut her off and got aboard.

***

The nurses station lay in front of the doors to the ICU. Maybe I could sweet talk the nurse into letting me in. I was a good looking guy, I could show a little leg, ya know. I wouldn't put it past Alex to flash her way into my hospital room.

"Hi." I flashed a big smile at the young nurse.

"Hello, can I help you?"

I smiled again. "Ah, I'm sure you can…Nancy. Nancy's a pretty name."

"Thanks." She made a strange face. I don't think she bought it

"Look Nancy, my wife is in there. My wife Alex and…she just had a baby and then she had to have surgery and I really wanna see her. You think, maybe you could…"

She rolled her eyes. "OH please, like I haven't heard every sob story in the book. You can wait in the area down the hall."

"You don't understand." I began to freak.

"I understand perfectly fine." She looked in my eyes. "But there's nothing I can do, Joel, was it?"

"Yes."

"Well, Joel, I can only tell you she's being well taken care of and that all you can do is wait."

I pouted and began to walk away. This couldn't be happening. I can buy the best medical care known to man. I could buy a doctor, but I can't go 20 feet inside the room where my wife sleeps.

"Nancy!" I spun. "Please Nancy. I'll pay you."

"Please Joel, go sit."

"No, you don't understand, do you know who I am?"

"Joel?"

"Joel Madden. I was in a band I'm worth millions of dollars. I could give you enough money to quit your job for a year."

She pursed her lips. "I like my job, please, Joel, stop this."

"Can't you just tell me how she is?" I pled. "Please? Please?!"

She sighed.

"I promise I won't try to bribe you again. Just..please?" I almost cried. I was desperate. I'd do anything to see Alex right now.

"I'll see."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, Nancy." I smiled.

She nodded back, picking up the phone. I wandered towards the windows as she chatted on the line. I could sort of see in, but I couldn't tell where Alex was. I occurred to me as I moved to get a better look and the automatic doors slid open that I could get inside before Nancy could stop me. I swallowed and glanced at Nancy on the phone. Sure she wasn't paying attention I stepped forward, one foot in the door. I smiled. It was working. I stepped forward again and the doors shut behind me.

"Joel!" I heard someone screaming outside. Alex was in the farthest corner and I sighed with relief and headed towards her before a pair a huge arms grabbed me and yanked me back out into the hall.

"Alright, that's enough sir."

"Nooooooooooo!" I cried like a child. "No, I want my wife, PLEASE."

He struggled with me in the hall. He was a huge guy, towering at least a foot over me it seemed.

"Sir calm down."

I pulled forward with all my strength, but I was no match. He successfully restrained me, but I kept up the fight. Every one of our movements opened the doors, but I couldn't get close enough to go inside. Every time they opened I saw Alex asleep and I just wanted to get to her.

"SIR!" he yelled at me and took the upperhand, standing between me and the door.

"Fucking asshole, let me see my wife!" I yelled and punched him in the face, hit him in the stomach, trying to position my legs to find that weakest point.

I struggled even more fiercely and finally he fought me to the floor. I was crying as I lied on my back, sobs simply racking through my body, my blood coursing hot through my veins. The guard let go of me and let me lie there like a wounded child. I wanted to roll onto my stomach and pound my feet and fists on the floor and wait for them to carry me off to the loony bin.

Joel Madden Loses his Mind in DC Hospital.

Joel Madden busts a nut in hospital

Joel Madden assaults rent-a-cop

We thought Benji was the angry twin, man were we wrong.

The guard helped me back to my feet.

"You gonna be good now, sir?"

I nodded.

"Why don't you take a walk, cool down?"

I nodded again. I felt so incredibly wasted. I haven't gotten into a fight since I was 23 and Benji and I went at each other for something I can't even remember now. I didn't win that one either. I didn't know what I was gonna do. Part of me wanted to find the closest bar and take a few shots, I'd feel better after that. I'd feel more relaxed.

The other part of me, the bigger part of me, the biggest part of me wanted to curl up and die somewhere. I didn't wanna feel this pain right now, or deal with it. I wanted everything to go away. I suddenly got the idea of what to do. What I had to do. I saw a sign on the wall as I walked down the hall in no direction. It had a picture of a teddy bear wearing a shirt that said 'It's a Boy!' and printed underneath it said 'Visit the gift shop located on the 1^st floor.'

Yeah, I'll go to the gift shop. If it was the way I remember it, then it was a tiny convenience store. They probably had exactly what I needed. I grabbed the nearest elevator and pressed the 1. The doors opened two floors later with a ding and I wandered the first floor in search of this magnificent gift shop.

After I found it, I stood in front of the toiletries, looking like hell I'm sure. I must have stood there for a good 5 minutes just staring. The guy behind the counter was staring at me as well. The faint sounds of "Build Me Up, Buttercup" spilling from the radio making a comedic backdrop. I couldn't even see what I was looking for. I could only think about Alex upstairs. I wanted to see her so bad. I wanted to be happy and right now it felt like I would never be happy again. Why do you build me up? (Build me up)

I felt drained and alone. I felt like the world was crashing down on my head and I didn't have a helmet. It was almost child-like the way I was thinking. Razor, I needed a razor. Buttercup.

"'Scuse me?" I asked the guy at the counter, having to clear my throat and repeat myself to be heard. My voice was so hoarse and dry. Baby, just to let me down (let me down)

"Yeah?" he asked, again just staring at me. And mess me around.

"Do you have any razors?" I asked.And then worst of all (Worst of all)

"Right there, under the toothpaste." He said with some kind of accent. I gave him a double take to see he wasn't at all the guy I thought I saw when I walked in. I shrugged and grabbed the package. I found the other things I needed with ease and set them on the counter.You never call, baby

"Is this all?" he sounded scared of me, but I guess I was pretty scary. Hell I just beat the shit out of a security guard, I should be scary looking. I paid and walked out in the direction of the nearest bathroom. The music fading behind me. This had to be done, this was the only thing I could think of doing.

I locked the door of the bathroom. I didn't want anyone to find me. I was alone, I wanted to stay alone. I grabbed either edge of the sink and looked at my reflection. My pupils narrowed as I looked directly into my own eyes. "It's gonna be okay." I whispered as if someone listening. No one was out there.

I took the razor out of the bag and picked it up to examine the blue plastic handle. I tore the packaging around it and watched the halogen lights flicker of it's dull edge. It was a bic, it probably couldn't even cut through skin. I pulled out the other supplies and took a deep breath.

I nodded at my reflection in the mirror and popped the top of the shaving cream. I lathered my beard and my mustache. I had to do this. She hated it, she always did. I picked up the razor and brought it to my skin. It was surprising how easily it slid through the hair, leaving bare pinkish skin behind.

I don't know why I grew it. She told me everyday. She never wanted to kiss me. She complained about it all the time. Half of it was gone. I was beginning to look less like Grizzly Adams and more like Joel. Zack was scared of me. Benji made fun of me. Maybe if it was gone this would all be a dream.

If it were gone would the pain go away?

I shaved more furiously, eager to see my own face again. Eager to end the pain and the hate bubbling under my surface.

"OW! Goddamnit!" I cried as I made a sizable cut in my chin. The bright red blood spurted and ran down my chin as I reached around for a paper towel. I shut my eyes and opened them again. My eyes were rimmed with red from all my crying and my face looked so different. Clean, pink, pale.

I cleaned up my nick and finished my shave. I looked my self over again, running my hand along my smooth cheeks. I was Joel again. I looked 10 years younger without the beard, but I looked 10 years older with it, so I guess I looked my age. 37. Married 7 years, 8 come October. One woman, one helluva amazing woman. 2 great boys and one perfect little one. A million little heartbreaks, a million little lies, a thousand things to break my spirit, my body, but I was still here.

I had things to live for and everyone was right, telling me I had to be strong for Alex and Nate, but I need to pick myself up for me, as well. I couldn’t let myself fall into this pit of despair no matter how hopeless I felt. No matter how desperate. I did feel those things though. I couldn't do anything to make it better. All I could do was sit and wait.

***

The waiting room on the ICU floor was quiet, but it was far from empty. I took a seat far from everyone. Trying desperately not to watch them crying. My heart ached so bad with worry. My head suddenly surged with pain and my eyes began to sting. I shut my eyes tight to stifle my tears, but I couldn't help it. Maybe, I shouldn't fight it. Maybe, I just needed to cry, really long and hard.

I just sat there and cried into my palms hard. I shook and whimpered. I didn’t care who saw or what they thought. I wanted to be miles from here, with Alex and our kids, far away from pain and sadness. Safe and secure. Why God, why?

I sobbed harder, rocking back and forth when a small pair of hands rubbed my back and then wrapped equally small arms around me. It was my Momma, I knew her smell.

"Oh Momma." I cried hugging her back.

"Shh, shh, sweetheart, I'm here now."

"Momma I don't know what to do." I cried, still not looking up at her. "I…I'm so scared…"

She just rocked me back and forth like I was still a little boy and I needed soothing cause I scrapped my knee. I felt so much better in her arms. I didn't feel alone.

When I finally loosened grip on her I had to wipe my face on my arm and suck up my snot, I must look like such a bum. She just smiled at me and patted my head, smoothing my hair on my forehead.

"You shaved." She smiled again. "That beard looked so silly, Joel."

I attempted a smile but it didn't feel right to in the face of everything that was going on. I nodded, instead.

"Where is Alex?"

"ICU." I answered bluntly, watching the pattern on the carpet, it was like an optical illusion, it was almost moving.

"Oh honey…" her voice filled with tears and I jerked up to look at her, watch her cry, see that she knew what I knew. That my wife could die. "Can't you go in there?"

I shook my head, and shut my eyes, thinking about the guard on the other side of this short wall a few feet from me. Thinking about the bruise fresh on his face because of me. My anger bubbled and boiled a few seconds remembering the altercation from a half hour earlier. How can they not let me in, I'm her husband, I'm Joely, I'm the only person she has in the whole world.

"The boys, oh my God…" I stood up.

"Joel!" my mom screamed.

"Joel, I think you should sit down." a man's voice said, and I realized Jeff was here as well, standing in front of me and blocking me from leaving.

I spun back at my mom, not acknowledging Jeff's presence.

"Where are my boys?"

"They're at Benji's. He and Jessa are taking care of them honey, it's alright."

"No, it's not alright mom. I…I should be with them. I should've been able to help them." I cried.

"Joel, this isn't your fault." My mom stood up, her voice going stern and sitting me down. "THIS, is not your fault, Joel!" she repeated.

I swallowed and nodded.

"Everything is going to be alright Joel, do you understand?"

"Yes, Momma."

"You look like hell froze over, let's get you something to eat."

"I'm not really hungry, mom."

"At least some coffee, Joel." Jeff frowned at me.

I nodded and followed them out.

***

It's amazing what mom's do. She got me to eat an entire sandwich and a bag of chips. She wiped my face and even nursed my nicked chin. I was about ready to lay against her bosom and fall asleep sucking my thumb.

We went to see Nate again. My mom or Jeff weren't allowed inside but they got to see him through the glass and I got to feel his little body through the glove. Dr. Figg said Nate was doing really well and that it'd probably only be a few days before they could take him off the machines.

I started to feel a lot better, knowing that even though he was small he was surviving and he was thriving.

"The doctor said Nate would be off the machines in a few days, by Monday he said." I explained to my mom.

"That's so great, honey. See, things are looking better. So, his name's Nate?"

"Nathaniel Jakob." I answered.

"That's a great name." She smiled and I smiled back.

We headed for the elevator to go back up to the 5^th floor to check on Alex. I was really glad my mom was here and I felt bad for brushing Benji off. He wanted to help. My family really cared about me. I was never alone.

We passed Nancy's post and headed towards the waiting room again.

"Joel! Joel!" Nancy called and I turned around.

"Yes?"

She seemed surprised and I realized, she was startled by my appearance without my beard. "Uh…they moved Alex. She's in recovery now. She has a room down the hall.

"Really?" I smiled wider. "Can I go there?"

"Yeah, Joel, you can see her."

"Thank you." I suddenly hugged her. "Thanks a lot."

I smiled and she blushed. "Good luck Joel." She waved as we went back up the hall towards the recovery ward.

I walked quickly, wasting no time. I was ecstatic about seeing Alex and kissing her and hugging her and holding her. I missed her so much in these past few hours. We reached the nurses station and I had to catch my breath, before I spoke.

"Alexandra Madden?" I asked.

"Are you Joel?"

I chuckled. "Yes, her husband."

"Room 512." The nurse motioned.

I turned and smiled at my mom and Jeff. They smiled back at me.

"Are you coming?" I asked.

"You go first sweetie." My mom nodded at me.

"We'll be out here, Joel." Jeff snaked his arm around mom's shoulder. Benji would get so pissed off about that, but I just grinned.

I nodded and walked down the hall. Family members and friends were chatting away with different patients in every room down the hall. 509, was a man and what appeared to be his wife and children. 510 was a woman and her mother. 511, was a man with a toddler and an older woman sleeping in the bed. Finally I reach 512. The door was slightly opened and the lights were dim.

The beeping of the machines, seemed like an absolutely normal sound now. It didn't scare me or bother me. I walked forward, pushing the door open.

"Al?" I asked, my heart rate increasing as I got nervous. Worried about how she might look.

No one answered. I pushed the door all the way back and saw her lying before me in a big hospital bed, complete with rails. She seemed tiny in comparison. She was asleep, her head tilted to the side, slow gentle snores coming from her body. My baby. I smiled.

She looked so fragile and broken, but she was real. I sat down next to her bed and touched her warm hand. I pulled it up and leaned slightly to kiss it, happy tears springing from my eyes.

"Oh Alex." I sighed. I reached my hand up to stroke her cheeks. She was still so absolutely breath-taking.

She suddenly stirred and began to wake up. I watched her achingly stretch her muscles. She blinked her eyes a few times, but she hadn't seen me yet. She turned sleepily in my direction and her face was instantly one big happy bright smile.

"Joel!" she whispered.

"Hi Peaches." I grinned.

***

"Family Tree" Ben Kweller from the album Sha Sha

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